I’m a 33-year-old straight female, been with my husband for ten years, married for six. When we first started dating, I was an extremely jealous person. Fortunately, I got it under control with lots of therapy. But once I did, I started having fantasies about him hooking up with other people. We incorporated these fantasies in the bedroom—as a fantasy—and it was insanely hot. Anyways, I had a baby a year ago. It took some time for my libido to come back, but she is back with a vengeance. I’m horny all the time. I’m so horny that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another city was getting flirty, I immediately encouraged him to see if anything might come of it. With my blessing, he shared with her that I might be a cuckquean. (Sticking with “might” for now, as we’ve never actually done this). She was interested, and the flirting escalated. Now she’s coming to town for work. Having never actually done anything like this, I started to feel unsexy jealousy creeping back in. We decided that he wouldn’t do anything with her, just grab a quick drink. But she asked to have dinner with both of us instead. That changed the math and I agreed to dinner. But I find myself vacillating between titillation and anxiety. Am I there to watch or participate? (I’m bi, so it’s not out of the question.) They’ve already got a rapport going and I’m insecure about feeling left out. I’m writing because I don’t know how to process this cognitive dissonance. One minute I’m so excited about realizing this fantasy that I’m sneaking away to get myself off just thinking about it. The next minute I’m worrying about what will happen if I see him giving her more attention than he gives me. I don’t know how to make sense of what I’m feeling. Am I really a cuckquean if I feel this conflicted?
Completely Confused Cuckquean