There’s only one thing I hate more than a hot cup of coffee, and that’s bad behavior. You’ve really gotta shape up. I don’t know what else to tell you. Yeah, I’m almond-extract sweet, but I’m also crack-your-molars hard. I’m twice-baked and as old as time. I’ve seen it all, and I’m on to you.
• Even though you’re “not into reality TV stars,” you’ve been keeping tabs on Kylie Jenner ever since she got that baby. You refuse to follow her, but her Instagram page is always in your most recently searched. What kind of loser are you?