[Posted yesterday; reposted now for the hell of it.]
When I heard that the Washington State Liquor Control Board—which long ago outlived its uselessness—was doing all it could to shut down the Eagle, a dark & dirty gay bar that’s been on Capitol Hill for 25+ years, I was annoyed. Why was the LCB—in cahoots with the SPD—trying to shut down what would, in any other city, be a tolerated/beloved dark & dirty institution? It might not be a place that the mayor would take visiting dignitaries, but it wouldn’t be a place that the city and state would spend tens of thousands of your tax dollars trying to shut down. Then I saw exhibit A in the LCB’s case against the Eagle:
An LCB agent took this picture at the Eagle. If you look closely you’ll notice that the dick of the fourth man from the left is clearly visible. Actually it probably wasn’t clearly visible—the Eagle is a dark bar—until the LCB agent took a flash photograph of it. But it’s clearly visible in this flash photograph. Well, actually, it’s not clearly visible in the flash photograph. You can barely see the thing. (The dick is so hard to see that I don’t even need to hide this photo behind the jump.) But to make sure we can all see the dick the LCB report includes the original shot plus a bonus blow-up shot of the dick at the Eagle. You can see the LCB’s big dick pic—NSFW—by clicking here.
Disgusting, right? But in all honestly my first reaction was typical knee-jerk Seattle liberal stuff. “Thanks to the hard work of the LCB,” I grumbled to one of my coworkers, “more people will have seen this dude’s dick—in the LCB’s report, on our website when I post it—than would’ve seen it if that dude had spent the whole summer waggling it over the balcony at the Eagle. Our tax dollars at work!”
But a journalist is trained to look at issues impartially. (At least that’s what trained journalists are always telling me.) So I decided to take a step back and consider the full implications of dicks in bars like the Eagle. Yes, one could argue that trying to shut down the Eagle—and throw bartenders and barbacks out of work—is a huge waste of public money and manpower. One could point out that the same state that paid an LCB agent to sniff out cock at the Eagle just kicked 40,000 people off the state health insurance rolls to close a budget gap. One might be tempted to mention that the same state disseminating cock shots via public records is slashing funding for higher education. And one might be so petty as to point out the brazen disregard for state law displayed by an agent of the state here: the man on the balcony at the Eagle is wearing a Utilikilt and “up-skirt photography” is illegal in Washington state.
But what about people who don’t want to see dick at the Eagle? Imagine an innocent patron with no interest in dick innocently enjoying his beer at the Eagle. If he had looked up at just the wrong moment—say the moment the LCB agent’s camera’s flash went off—that innocent Eagle patron would’ve been exposed to dick whether he liked dick or not.
I can hear you snickering. But it’s just not fair to assume that every man who goes to the Eagle likes dick. Don’t stereotype gay men like that. Not all of us like dick. Some of us like opera. And, yes, the Eagle is a dark & dirty gay bar and everyone who enters it—and you have to be at least 21 to enter the Eagle—knows what the place is like. But if even one Eagle patron was exposed to dick against his will, well, we can all agree that that would be one Eagle patron exposed to dick too many.
After I came around to the Liquor Control Board’s POV on this—dicks in bars are menace and preventing dicks in bars is a wise use of public funds—I began to wonder if dicks were a problem at other bars in the area. To find out I went on a bar crawl yesterday during happy hour and what do you know? I saw dick pretty much everywhere I went. And I took pictures. Now I want our website to be SFW—unlike the NSFW reports the LCB cranks out—so I’ve covered up the dicks in these shocking photos with the faces of the unsung heroes working hard to protect us all from dicks in bars. Lorraine Lee, Roger Hoen, Ruthann Kurose are the three sitting members of the Washington State Liquor Control Board. You can read more about their thrilling exploits here and you can email them here to thank them for protecting you from the sight of dicks in bars and on blogs. (But the NSFW versions of these photos can be found after the jump for any dick fans out there.) Here we go…
Dick at O’Asian, a bar across the street from City Hall popular with city hall staffers:
Dick at Collins Pub, a bar frequented by deputy mayor Tim Ceis:
Dick at the Spitfire Grill, site of Christine Gregoire’s election-night party:
I have to say that I was shocked—shocked—by all the dick I found running around town yesterday. (And I was shocked when I got back to work and downloaded the photos and realized that all the dick I saw seemed belong to the same dude. I think this dude might be stalking me.) But what shocked me most was the fact that not once, not in any of these bars, did the staff seem to notice or care that an innocent patron—me!—was being exposed to so much dick. Not even at Spitfire, where the dick was exposed by the windows. Innocent passersby could see it! I thought about going to the LCB’s website and filng a complaint when I realized that I was right across the street for city hall. So I rushed to council chambers to speak with my elected representatives about all these dicks everywhere and—no way!
Dicks in city hall? Right outside council chambers? Is nowhere safe from this growing menace? And what about the children?
Before I went out yesterday and investigated the dicks overrunning our city I might’ve argued that bars—gay and otherwise—are open to the general public and a bar’s owner and staff can’t realistically be expected to police the behavior of all of their patrons at every single moment. Now I know better. The sheer amount of dick in our bars is shocking and I am now convinced that the LCB and the SPD must act to protect us all. But they can’t fight this fight alone. That’s why I’m deputizing you, Slog readers, to help me and the Liquor Control Board and the Seattle Police Department beat back these dicks off before its too late. LCB agents and SPD officers can’t be everywhere. So if you see a dick in a bar do something: Take a picture of that dick and email it to me. I will share your dick pics with the brave men and women of the LCB.
Of course if we find dicks in every bar in the city that will put the LCB in a difficult position indeed. If there are dicks everywhere and not just in a dark & dirty gay bar on Capitol Hill—dicks at the lobby bar at the downtown Sheraton, dicks at Fox Sports Grill, dicks at the Wildrose—then the LCB will be faced with the prospect of shutting down every bar, restaurant, and tavern in the city. And I can’t imagine that they’ll do that. But it’s a risk we’ll have to run because we can’t have dicks in bars. So go out, watch for dick, and if you see dick—or if your dick slips out of your trousers—take a picture and email it to me.
Together we can make Seattle’s gay bars safe for women and children.
O’Asian:
Collins Pub:
Spitfire Grill:
City Hall:
As a straight man, I don’t mind dicks in bars. I bring my dick into every bar I go into.
you should be very proud of this post
I was waiting for “Dicks at Dick’s”, just to give the piece a hometown, family feel.
Seattle’s government leadership (closing of bars, strip clubs, “massage” parlors) makes it an uptight prude city.
Raising a 7-incher in your honor Dan.
Oregon just cut the crap and makes it illegal to approach another person with your genitals or approach the genitals of another in any circumstance, makes erections or “obvious arousal” illegal and lets it at that.
An establishment that is 21+ should make no special concessions beyond preventing actual physical encroachment.
Beyond that, this post is fucking amazing.
Dan, you’re drunk. Go home.
Now *that* is some fucking journalism.
Fuck you, LCB.
Oh that was fucking awesome.
Now … let’s find some va jay jay in bars!
This game is fun.
I like how this post follows the “You Are What You Eat” post.
Ok, who’s dick is this? Dan??
Thank you for the public service (or should I say pubic service?) you are providing to all of us who love the dick.
It’s been a good day on Slog…a good day indeed. Very ballsy Dan…or would it be dicky? In fact, what would happen if balls started showing up around town too? Maybe you could do a report on free-balling around Seattle?
This is all very amusing, but I can’t help being more than a little outraged. Good reporting, Dan. Clean it up, and I’m sure you could arouse the attention of the mainstream media.
I’ll never pay enough taxes to pay for that flash moment, and it boils my blood. What can we do?
that’s a pretty nice dick actually
What the fuck?
This is so absurd, as a native Seattleite I can’t believe it and I’m embarassed. The Eagle is a weaker victim that is being singled out as easy prey by a homophobic element in the state government. It’s nothing more than a witch hunt. I think we as a gay community need to put a stop to it NOW! Maybe we need a stonewall all over again. It’s a gay bar and whatever individuals do is not necessarily the responsibility of the bar. It’s a man’s gay bar, and if your not gay and you don’t like what goes on in there don’t go in. This angers me so much I’m going to be calling my Councilmen and Mayor. It’s ridiculous.
Dan Engstrom
Fremont
It’s most likely DJ’s other dad, your boyfriend. I hate to throw this in your face, but it’s very…uh…how do you say this…….it’s a bad move as a parent to behave this way and reinforce it as a spouse.
Ugh
I know my boyfriend’s dick. I’ve served my boyfriend’s dick. My boyfriend’s dick is a friend of mine. That’s not my boyfriend’s dick.
Oh, ok. Strike #17 (I wish there was an ‘edit comment’ feature)
My apologies, Dan.
I will be in town next weekend. I have marked this as a place to go.
No worries, StillNon. But… seriously… if you knew my boyfriend… there are things he won’t do. This would top the list.
We’ll never know who the brave soul is who exposed his piece for this piece.
Who ever it belongs to, its nice, attached to something even nicer, and probably gets appreciated up close and personally frequently.
Ahhh, happy memories from my Eagle days. I always bought the best weed there from a Jewish lesbian there who goes by Heidi sometimes, Jesbian other times. She’s so manly she completely fits in there.
Oh My, is that some poor intern? Back in my day, the most degrading thing an intern had to do was process microfiche (ask your parents about that one, dear)
With budgets getting cut, why do we still have an LCB? What would it take to get an initiative on the ballot to get rid of the LCB?
Best Slog post ever.
At least he didn’t sneak a gun into City Hall, using his press credentials as cover.
Oh, Don. The point of that piece wasn’t the gun. It was the drugs. The mayor wanted bars owners to report any and all drug activity even though doing so would, under the mayor’s proposed rules, result in a bar’s closure. Bartenders, doormen — they had to watch for drugs, report it. I told the mayor’s staff, once in was in, that I had drugs on me. I offered them drugs. They didn’t report it, ask me to leave… they didn’t do anything.
The gun was a side issue.
I was really impressed by the correct usage of “passersby.”
Oh, and great dick!
Dan @ 16, it’s not just an insult to gay men. It’s an insult to all rational adults in this state, whether we frequent adult oriented establishments or not: The idea that we somehow need to be sheltered from vice in the places that we choose to visit.
We love to talk about how we are a “world class” city, yet we let a paternalistic, anachronistic bureaucracy like the WSLCB exist out of fear that people might think we are advocating alcoholism if we suggest that it is an organization that was never needed to begin with, and is even more unneeded now.
But beyond that, if we were to abolish the liquor board tomorrow, we would still be burdened with a puritanical mindset that allows the Seattle Police Department to shirk their real responsibility – public safety – in favor of harrassing bars, stripclubs, and other “dens of iniquity”. No one’s forcing anyone to go to the Eagle, and no one’s forcing them to stay – so why is the SPD even there in the first place?
And it’s not just conservatives who are guilty of this – many liberals get preachy and screechy when the idea is floated that we don’t need such strict regulation of bar and strip clubs. The children are trotted out, as they always are, as examples of why we need to restrain ourselves: If we were to relax zoning on strip clubs, for instance, or let them serve booze, there’d suddenly be a pole installed in the lobby of the Olympic Hotel, and you’d see the Seattle Girls School offering classes in lap dancing.
Abolition of the WSLCB and reform of the morality laws are exactly the sort of thing the initiative process is designed for – but we will never see a movement like that, because there is not the corporate interests to bankroll that sort of initiative. We’ll just continue to pretend that we need this sort of “protection”, and that liquor control is a desirable function of government in the 2qst century.
God, that took everything out of me. Where’s that bottle of Frangelico…..
Thanks Dan,
If your point was to make clear how the degenerate neo-urban gay man stereotype is, then you did a great job.
Has it ever fucking occurred to your diseased and egomaniacal mind, that waving your dick in public is, in point of fact, illegal and certainly not something that normal decent people who go out for a few drinks with friends want to see? To me, whether it happens in a nightclub, church, or the city park, it is a form of sexual assault by a social misfit, one that deserves to bring down the rule of law.
The fact that you find it funny, and see fit to show your pathetic ding-a-ling as some sort of protest, demonstrates your disgusting opportunism.
It also makes clear just what a poor example of the gay community you are. You do a great job making us look bad. The religious right has nothing on you when it comes to keeping us down in the ghetto.
YEAH!! Everybody get your sharpies and timestamp those dicks and SLOOOOGGGIT!!
Oh, ecce! I love you and I’ve missed you! Welcome back!
Not my dick though. But you can fantasize all you like.
xo
Dan
“…dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick dick.” “How many dicks was that?” “A lot.”–Quentin Tarrantino, Reservoir Dicks (1992)
Oh my gosh. Whoever that dick belongs to needs to eat a good meal. Such skinny legs!
You have completely lost your mind, or you have been ingesting a lot of some legal or illegal substance.
I can’t decide if that is a good thing or not.
As far as I am concerned, if some guy wants to let it all hang out in a gay bar, who cares? I’d honestly have an issue in mixed company, though. I’m not a prude (I looked at the pictures after the cut), but I don’t necessarily want to see that if I’m out having a drink with friend after work.
But yeah, the LCB should either have something better to do or should be cut back if there are budget problems. And that applies to all states. Unfortunately, in my state, there are only two areas where the legislature can make cuts to balance the budget: health care and education (which includes the arts and museums). You gotta love Louisiana.
Dan, it boils my blood (call me humorless). Thanks for raising your voice.
I have to agree…. one of the best posts here yet.
but i had always imagined Dan a bit more hung…..
I don’t have a dick attached to my body. The one I usually enjoy belongs to someone who probably wouldn’t go along with the idea. Would other NSFW pictures help your cause?
Catalina – I have fond memories of being but wee and my mom setting me down in front of the big, bright, and loud microfiche reader.
Catalina – I have fond memories of being but wee and my mom setting me down in front of the big, bright, and loud microfiche reader.
As a straight woman I’ve seen a whole lot of straight guys whip it out in mainstream bars. and the other day in a coffee shop…lucky me?? If every establishment in which dick was exposed were shut down, no one would have anything to do on a friday night or basically ever. The absurdity of the LCB is completely overwhelming.
I wonder if I wear a low cut shirt and expose my breasts by accident (or on purpose) I’m going to get some bar shut down. Somehow I doubt it.
and off the subject, Dan, I freaking love you.
How do we get their budget cut? Seriously. Here’s a HUGE waste of tax payer dollars which is bad for the economy. That money should go to things that actually make things better – like schools.
As a former Eagle DJ i must say that the Eagle’s reputation is based more on the great fucking music there than the dicks. At least that used to be true. Have been out of town for a number of years now, but i believe that tradition is being upheld.
Or, maybe it’s always depended on who you ask. Some people are cock-obsessed and that’s all that matters to them. To me, though, the music playing makes all the difference, and it was the only gay bar i could stand to be in for any length of time. (Re-Bar doesn’t count, does it?).
Um, does the Cuff still suck dick?
I should add that I do believe there’s more than a little old-fashioned homophobia inside the SPD and WSLCB. This isn’t the first trouble the Eagle has had about this sort of thing. In the minds of all those uptight twits, The Eagle has represented the lowest of the low, being a real den of depravity. It’s even seen that way by a large part of the gay community.
I’m certain you understand this point, Dan, that’s this is all about people’s uptight attitudes about sex, (and by association drugs and rock music). The Eagle has long been an easy target. So, what I’m wondering is: is there anything really different or unusual about the current cirmstances?
And i must say, brilliant idea to use dicks everywhere in defense of The Eagle. It would warm the cockels of my heart if all pubs and bars, both ritzy and dive, straight and gay, rally to support this cause. Death to the prudish, homophobic WSLCB!
31ftw
got to say love the article , liked the dick a lot… hope this dick is not orphan… made up my day, already 12.37 here in Athens and day dreaming about it.
edits>
#44,¶3: Um, does the Cuff music still suck ass?
#45,¶2: …circumstances. Maybe what’s changed is your ability to be aware of what the WSLCB is doing. Which raises the question: how did you discover this news (and how can we get updates on their “progress”?)
¶3: …straight and gay, rise to the occasion to support this cause.
Great post Dan – awesome work!
Great idea! Everybody have a fun time on the sex offender registry when you get caught!