The final reason why Seattle is better than New York City? If you wage war on our favorite hybrid of Marie Antoinette and a class-destructing communist, we will wake up early, shake off our hangovers, strap in, and war you back harder. And it will be a just war.

And then we will burn your has-been, unoriginal, bossy, illiterate, easily offended, Puff-Daddy infested, politically tone-deaf, musically loathed, theatrically and romantically uninspired, sweltering, smelly, “obsolete,” inefficient, buggy, “ugliest, filthiest, shittiest,” sugar-phobic, artless, sexually frustrated, unvolcanic, soggy city to the motherfucking ground. The end.

And now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go toast the beginning of happy hour. We’d ask you to join us, New York City, but we understand that all of your happy hours are done because it’s already 8 o’clock over there. (Lame.)

63 replies on “Mission Accomplished! The Stranger Declares Victory in Its War on New York City”

  2. Only one minor problem Slog: the other side doesn’t even know they are in a fight with you.

    Typical Seattle hicks desperate for attention and a job in NYC so they can get out of Podunk

  3. Only one minor problem Slog: the other side doesn’t even know they are in a fight with you.

    Typical Seattle hicks desperate for attention and a job in NYC so they can get out of Podunk

  5. Oh look little Seattle is trying to compare itself to New York.

    Really?

    Yeah.

    Well, they’re not really like Juneau anymore.

    Yeah, more like a coastal Denver, plus computers.

    Yeah. those computer folks, they’re very interesting what with their RAMs and chips and their 001001000.

    So, maybe we’ll go out there one week?

    Sure, why not? We’ve already been to Europe 10 times, the hamptons, the carribbean 20 times, New Orleans, Chicago, Miami, the Bahamas, Santa Fe, and California about 20 times…we can go on the way to Hawaii maybe…or combine it with Vancouver.

    Sure. So maybe next August when even the beach is too hot?

    Sounds good.

  6. Wow. What a bunch a sad pathetic fuckers. Do y’all really think Seattle compares to New York. Really? I mean aren’t you being a bit disingenuous? New York is one of the most cosmopolitan cites in the world. Seattle is a small time wet hell hole that lacks a night life after midnight. Please get over yourselves.

  8. I was trying to stay neutral all day, but as I was enjoying some leisurely retail therapy in my clean and overall pleasant smelling metropolis, I stepped into a Pacific Place restroom and remembered that back east they do not employ the use of toilet seat covers in their restrooms! Resourceful girls can hover, sure, but that doesn’t make them tough or smarter, as I’m sure the argument may be….. it’s just GROSS.

  9. Moved from NY to Seattle with girlfriend in 1992. WE got place on Queen Anne. She’s a native. Of Seattle. One night we’re out for drinks and walking home she stops in the QA baseball diamond in the park they have? Yup she squats down and pees right in the batting area.

    Yes, we broke up shortly thereafter.
    She also didn’t shave her legs.

    But yes, in general, Seattle has it all over NYC is being “clean and overall pleasant smelling” ….

    ….yawn.

  11. New Yorker here- never stepped foot in Washington State. Reader of slog for almost five years now. Why? Dan Savage. He (and Lindy West- god I love her) are international and gather audiences far outside the normal sphere of The Stranger. Just so you know.

  12. What’s most amusing here is that virtually nobody writing here about the wonders of Seattle are, you know, actually from Seattle. (They’re usually the most insufferable types.)

  13. I lived in NYC on the upper east side for 5 years…. Compared to any west coast city it is a piece of sh!t. Can’t use credit or debit anywhere because all businesses evade taxes. everything is overpriced, crummy little apartments (slumlords), idiots (see jersey shore) from the bridges and tunnels are everywhere, poor/unsafe driving, sports cable monopolies, sweaty weather in the summer, freezing wind in the winter — and no matter matter what it is, to a new yorker it’s always “the best” because they never have been out west

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