The final reason why Seattle is better than New York City? If you wage war on our favorite hybrid of Marie Antoinette and a class-destructing communist, we will wake up early, shake off our hangovers, strap in, and war you back harder. And it will be a just war.

And then we will burn your has-been, unoriginal, bossy, illiterate, easily offended, Puff-Daddy infested, politically tone-deaf, musically loathed, theatrically and romantically uninspired, sweltering, smelly, “obsolete,” inefficient, buggy, “ugliest, filthiest, shittiest,” sugar-phobic, artless, sexually frustrated, unvolcanic, soggy city to the motherfucking ground. The end.

And now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go toast the beginning of happy hour. We’d ask you to join us, New York City, but we understand that all of your happy hours are done because it’s already 8 o’clock over there. (Lame.)

63 replies on “Mission Accomplished! The Stranger Declares Victory in Its War on New York City”

  6. Sweet, your resident Gucci Clad Marxist got you involved in a made up war, against an entity that looks at you like a bedbug on a mammoth, then you declare victory and move on and the takeaway is that the any criticism of Charles is deflected by pettiness and lilliputian chest thumping.

    Though you all did(maybe) get a few extra page views out of it, right? So it’s all good.

  7. Today was an epic day on the Slog.

    I’m going end it on this image of the remodel I want to do on my home at the corner of Ground Zero Blvd and Go Fuck Yourself Ave.

    Suck it New york City!

  8. ah, shallow pride and competitiveness….there is very little I detest more…well done idiots, thanks again for signing our names to “fuck you” letter we didn’t endorse.

  13. oh, i get it. i kept checking slog randomly through the afternoon and had no idea what you were on about. but then i linked here nad now it makes sense. i’m kinda amazed that slog would come to mudede’s defense since the gawker article was totally right in every way imaginable.

    well, i hate to break it to you all, but the bottom line is that if you don’t like new york you’re either racist, stupid, or you just don’t like life. but on the flipside, if you don’t like seattle you’re an asshole. FACT.

  16. WOOT!
    About time New york stopped being worshipped.
    Now we need to set about shipping the transplants back, I suggest cattle cars.

  17. Hah, over on this (the east) coast happy hour isn’t done anywhere near 8. It’s just getting started.

    But after living 7 1/2 years in Seattle, I realize that’s unfathomable — surely everywhere in the world must close by 7! Why would anyone want to do anything in the evening / late night D:

  18. Aha ha ah ha ha ha.. This was a most amusing Sloggery today…….

    Of Course Seattle’s gonna come out on top because, duh, WE GOT THE BEST WEED! Game! Over!! w00t!!

    But the best consequence for me is that now I have Nina Hagen’s song “New York” playing in my head… a song I recently re-discovered.. Can’t wait to get home and dial it up on the Yew Toobz.

    Thanks Gawker! And, thanks too for “hybrid of Marie Antoinette and a class-destructing communist”. Classic!!

  20. NYC has us beat with a 4 a.m bar time. 24 hr subways. very fucking hot, sexy guys with the attitudes that make them hotter than WeHo queens in LA, and the luxury of having 3 airports to fly into with hella cheap destinations to the Caribbean during the winter.

  22. Was anyone who writes for The Stranger paying attention in kindergarten? Because you all seem to have forgotten what to do when a bully calls you names. You don’t throw a 24 hour low-self-esteem tantrum. You ignore them.

    Everyone who lives in Seattle knows it’s better than New York. We don’t need to prove it. In fact, we don’t like talking about it since we don’t want more of them moving here.

  23. That was the most stupidest thing I think I’ve seen in a long time…and I totally laughed my ass off every time I read it.

    Nice, and good show!

  25. Jesus fucking christ, thank fuck this shit is fucking over. I was about to lose it. Wasted, wasted, pointless, stupid day on Slog. Please never do this again. What an exercise in ‘got nothing better to do’ this was.

  26. i second the woot woot piece of cake win of the nyc, but i’m having serious fears about taking on the duchy of grand fenwick.. them bitches fight dirty..

  30. As a true born Seattleite who has been living in Manhattan for the past 8 years, all I can say is you’re spot on with all your burns, but really who cares? Seattle’s a cool city. So is Portland, Austin, Asheville, Vancouver, Nashville, Madison, Omaha, etc. No need to make a big deal about it. NYC knows it’s fucked.

  31. You guys remind me of freshmen entering high school and trying to one-up each other on which middle school is the best. Or people stuck in high school who go to high school reunions and try to justify their lives to people they don’t really care about. In short: This is ridiculous and annoying and I’m taking the Slog off my update feed because it’s been such a stupid, annoying day.

    And you can accuse me of not having a sense of humor if you like — maybe I don’t. I thought the first post or so was funny, but then you kept going and going and it just became pathetic.

  32. @26:

    Sorry, we’re already drawing up the armistice treaty right now. Some of us still remember the shellacking they gave us back in the ’60’s, and I don’t want to go through that humiliation a second time.

    (P.S. I hear that Tully Bascombe is one MEAN old M-F…)

  34. Profiles in Wankery: SLOG, August 13, 2010…

    *mostly notable because it far exceeded its’ already elevated levels of pointless self-important flagellation.

  37. A commenter on the Gawker’s article pretty much nails it:

    “Every once in awhile, I totally miss living in Seattle, that freaky capital of mis-placed self-righteousness, where Stranger Columnists Disturb the Populace. Happens routinely, and the outrage can last for days.”

  39. @37: Yeah, I really wish I was in NYC paying two thousand dollars to live in a dog kennel so I can brag to the folks back home how I live in the city that never sleeps.

  40. @17: Happy hour == the hour after work where people leave the office in groups and go unwind at a bar for a bit. Whatever is “just getting started” at 8pm in NYC or here or Chicago or wherever, it’s not happy hour, it’s people going out for the evening. Different things. Sort of like how the fact that lunch is usually not served after 2 o’clock in most restaurants does not mean that those restaurants are no longer patronized after 2 o’clock. It’s just no longer lunch.

  41. You know .. you guys are juvenile ass holes. It’s like you peed on your roommates tooth brush … and told everyone or your buddies but would never have the stones to stand up to your prank.

  43. I was greatly encouraged, cheered up by this Unmasking of NYC. I am a what is called a Theistic Satanist (see spiritualsatanist.com to see what I mean).Last night, before The Stranger published this, I got into a Fisticuff on Facebook last night with a New Yorker who thought they could spit on me and that I’d do NOTHING.-Seattle style. So I Flamed her and her Pathetic, Conceited city.
    I knew my FB wall would flame up with the White-Lighters, (what few were still left around) ,Expressing OUTRAGE and I was feeling some ambivalence about losing them as FB friends, but…
    The Stranger! You’ve Strengthened My Back! I’m working through your Anti-NYC links, and I’m finding some of them well-thought out…
    Some of them are going on my Wall.
    Thanks for making me a Better Satanist!

  45. @43, thank you, this is the Best Slog Comment Ever.

    “Fisticuff on Facebook” is my new favorite phrase ever.

    Elenchos, are you seeing this?

  47. Kept me laughing all day, and made me believe, if only for a few fleeting seconds, that Seattle might actually be sorta kinda in the same league as…well, not as New York. But Brooklyn, maybe.

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