The castrated-by-choice man whose letter was Wednesday’s SLLOTD—and who casually mentioned that he had been castrated by choice—wrote back to share his story and let us know how that happened…
So the castration saga.
I had problems with my testicles since childhood—both undescended. Had surgery at age nine but only half successful and it left big scars on both sides of my groin. So when puberty hit, I was very self-conscious about the scars and only one ball in my sac (plus I figured out very soon I was a homo). By the time I started having sex with men in my 20s, the scars had faded quite a bit and my pubes further obscured them, but there was still the half empty sac problem—at least in my own head. Some years went by, I had two relationships (both ended in death) and then I was single again for several years. In my 40s, the urologist said I should have the undescended one removed due to cancer risk. Got that done, then a year or so later figured out that I had low testosterone and went on HRT. Then decided to see if I could get an implant and found a doc at UCSF who was doing them.
So finally I had the appearance of two nuts, but it never really satisfied me. My sac was very small, and even with the artificial one in, it was hard for me to find a cock ring that worked.
Flash forward several years. Now in a healthy relationship with another kinky guy and I started having erotic castration fantasies.
We used the fantasies in our play. They were very strong and very erotic. I started discussing with my partner actually getting castrated and having the scrotum removed too. He was supportive if I decided it was right for me. And he found it erotic to think about having a eunuch boy. About three years after the fantasies started, I made the decision to pursue castration. I found a network of gay men online who are into this fetish. Met a guy who was already a eunuch, became friends, and he directed me to a cutter. Visited with him on the phone and then made a weekend visit to check each other out. We scheduled the procedure for about six weeks later. My partner was there, my eunuch friend, the cutter who was doing me (also a euncuh), another cutter friend who assisted and a friend of theirs. Once I was strapped to an X shaped bondage table, any resemblance to a BDSM scene ended and it was all business—sterile procedure and plenty of lidocaine. The recovery was a bitch—more so because of the scrotum removal—but no complications and it all healed nicely after 6 weeks.
Now that it’s been done for over two years, it feels completely natural. In fact, it feels like my body is finally the way it should be. I like having men check me out and some are very intrigued and turned on. I’m
very up front about it on my Recon and Manhunt profiles and as a result I get a lot of contacts from men who are thinking about getting it done. It’s just as erotic to be a euncuh as I had fantasized it would be, so this story has a very happy ending.There you have it. I’m always open to sharing the story and answering questions.
Discuss.
This doesn’t squick me out at all, I find it to be rather heartwarming, and I’d be willing to be there is a much larger body dismorphic crowd just like him (and likely women with similar issues).
Huh. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to get rid of the scrotum too. Is that a standard eunuch thing? What’s the point? It seems to significantly complicate an otherwise much easier surgery. I’m having a hard time imagining what it would look like, but I’m not gonna google it.
I assume that since he was already on HRT he’s continuing it.
From what I understand, you can still get an erection and ejaculate without your balls if you’re getting testosterone from somewhere else, you’ll just be shooting blanks.
@47: We don’t know the training of the BDSM guy. I wonder if there are doctors that do unusual body modficiation stuff in their “personal time.”
I’m not a doctor or anything…
but I thought males needed testicles to ejaculate.
Or is it that he can still orgasm, but nothing will come out because the testes aren’t there to produce semen?
Either way, good for him. He seems happier than ever.
Meh. Call me desensitized I guess. I have a friend doing a lot of modifications down there (and lots of other places for that matter) and it was tough to hear at first…but I’m over it. LW obviously has a lot going on, and has for some time, so a little comfort is likely to go a long way.
Nice. Happy ending and comfort with one’s body is the best anyone in any situation can hope for. Thank you so much for sharing with us!! Great story.
I have to admit, having read The Persian Boy at a *very* impressionable age (and not to mention, being female) this doesn’t make me shudder. I do find @15’s observation to be highly interesting, though.
I know @36’s already been corrected, but the basic question is still there, I suppose. Although there’s probably a fair amount of variation even in penile removal that there isn’t a simple answer to this question.
And finally, I have to admit it would never have occurred to me that one might might remove the balls but *not* the sack. Wouldn’t that be a dangly, irritating thing? Ya ya I know, easy for me to ask, my plumbing is all tidily tucked away already.
Well that’s that then. This doesn’t even strike me as odd – transwomen (not all, obviously, but many of those who choose surgical genital modification) have testicles and scrota removed all the time. It’s your body – chop it up however you like.
@54 I’m pretty sure that performing surgery in a BDSM studio could be grounds for getting your license revoked in most states, not to mention a health hazard. I’ll stand corrected if someone knows better than I, though.
The guy might have had training, sure. But something says that’s pretty unlikely.
Either way, I do hope my next surgeon doesn’t have a boner when he cuts into me.
Okay, glad the guy is happy, but the main thing I want to know is if Dan knew before this letter about the eunuch / cutter network?
Wait, another question – what did he say to his real doctor the next time he was there? ‘Oh, well, it fell off…’
Okaaayyy….
As a stridently sex-positive person, I wholly support the LW’s right to self-castration if that’s what makes him happy. More power to him, no matter how much it squicks me out. And being roughly a similar age, my first assumption was that his two earlier partners died of AIDS. There was an awful lot of that in the 1980s.
The backroom surgery part scares the shit out of me. It’s somewhat reminiscent of the old backroom abortions, many of which ended in disaster. Is there no way to get this procedure done legally and safely?
Rockshine, I believe it’s the prostate that produces the ejaculate. The testes contribute sperm to it, but that’s only a small fraction of the total amount.
@55, the testes produce sperm, not semen. Semen comes mostly from the seminal vesicles and the prostate, which are tucked away up inside. Balls hang outside because body temperature is too high for sperm.
intellectually, i totally support this dude doing whatever he feels is right for him. and w/ how happy he is about it all, it really is in one way a ‘happy ending.’ physically, i’m trying to take deep calming breaths & stop my jaw from clenching.
I’ll preface this by saying that I absolutely do not dispute anyone’s right to do whatever he wants with his own body, within of course the rational limits of harming no one else and making exceptions for mental illness. I fully support homeslice’s – pun unintended but delightfully inappropriate – right to be rid of his balls.
That said, any kind of fetish, compulsion, or especially discomfort or trauma that logically concludes with what is (albeit sterile, reasonably safe, and eroticized) self-mutilation really falls uncomfortably close, for me, to that “mental illness” line.
Again, a disclaimer: it is, in my personal feeling (and not as any sort of legal or analytical opinion) only in an ideal world in which everyone with body dysmorphic or gender dysphoric disorders could be let comfortably and reliably to a place of comfort with their physical selves, and in the real imperfect world, any freely elected outcome with which everyone is happy is a win.
I wish we lived in a world where circumstance never forced people into positions in which their only practical relief from constant unhappiness is surgical modification or even what I’d consider mutilation of their own bodies. As it is, I think the current standard of requiring a certain amount of professional care and counseling prior to gender reassignment is probably the best we can do, since it makes every attempt to make people happy with the safest, non-surgical options, but still leaves modification open as a path for those who can’t feel good any other way.
But purely as a personal reaction… ugh. It is hard to imagine anything I could find less erotic. I get squicked out by a variety of fetishes that others enjoy, though, so to each his own.
@63, 64
Thanks for satisfying my curiosity! 🙂
Stories like this are not that new if you’ve spent time on BME. Congrats to this guy for owning his body and the happy outcome.
To most of us unfamiliar to this type of fetish/procedure/decision, its new and strange and is definitely eye-opening…
Those of you who are using wording like “ick factor”, “nutjob” and other similar phrasing really makes me disappointed, as I would think that readers of dan savage would have the maturity and wisdom to not act like a straight frat boy who says shit like “lesbians are hot and gay men are gross…”
This person had a problem with his body all his life and did something about it after tons of networking and making connections with like minded people… and he didn’t need our trusty mr. Savage to tell him to go find like minded people… shouldn’t we be praising this person for not only doing the self examinating to come to his own best conclusion, but also for acting as a mentor or sorts to other guys that may be cut from a similar cloth… I think LW is awesome for taking action and doing what he thought was the best thing to do for himself.
@61- There’s a Friends episode where Joey is up for a part with a nude scene, and he’s told the casting agent he “isn’t Jewish” without knowing what it means. So Monica made him some various prosthetic foreskins out of food (bologna, fruit roll-up, etc) and he found one that worked. At the audition, he takes off his pants, the casting people nod approvingly, and then you hear a faint splat and everyone looks at the floor (the scene is shot from behind and between his legs) and you hear him say “Well that’s never happened before.”
I imagine that’s how this guy’s next Dr appointment went. The doctor said “Where did your testicle go?” and the guy looked down and said, “Well it’s always been there before. I wonder where it could be.”
@55: Ejaculate is formed mostly from fluids from the seminal vesicles and prostate; the testes just provide the spermatozoa. The pubococcygeus or PC muscle (also not in the testicles/scrotum) provides the contractions that force the semen out during orgasm, and most of the physical stimulations that build up to and trigger orgasm come not from the testes (in fact one could, in theory, trigger orgasm in the brain only or with non-physical stimuli, as orgasm itself is a neurological phenomenon, though the non-physical approach is difficult-to-impossible for most people while awake). No real barriers to orgasm/ejaculation other than lack of testosterone leading to low libido (though he appears to be mitigating this with a hormone supplement).
@55
No, testes produce only sperm and testosterone. Semen is produced by the prostate gland and seminal vesicles. Sperm is a small proportion of the mix; men with vasectomies or orchiectomies (testicle removal) produce just as much fluid as do other men.
And guys can ejaculate without testicles. They just won’t want to do it as often, unless they have periodic testosterone injections.
I swear, I will never EVER complain again about my left one being noticeably bigger than my right one.
HOLY FUCK! I’m pretty open minded so while the eroticism of getting your nuts cut off is lost on me I’m totally fine with it if everyone’s happy. The problem I have is that he went to a strangers house to have a surgical procedure performed on his ball sack by an amateur while strapped to a bondage table. WTF???? That is so not OK. That’s where I draw a big black line. Woah!
@69
I think we should praise you for finally figuring out how to properly use a period.
The only thing I’m concerned about was that it wasn’t done in a urologist’s office. Beyond that, whatevs.
@54 – Having recently watched the documentary “Modify,” I can say that while there may be doctors that do body modification on the side, there’s a LOT of body modifiers out there who are little more than self-taught.
@66 I’ve had to wrestle with that a bit — there’s an area of “disability fetishes” out there — not only are some people sexually attracted to specific kinds of disabilities, but there are those who feel their bodies “should have been born disabled,” and yes there are people who have found (god knows who) to remove assorted body parts so that they may truly be disabled in the way they feel they “ought” to be, or who have managed to blind/deafen/etc themselves to “align” their internal self image with their external bodies.
And I can’t separate that whole line of reasoning and thought from things like transgendered folks (the arguments are absolutely the same) so by and large, I’m forced to leave it alone but…. *deep breath* ooooohhhh yyyyeeeeeaaaaahhh.
I will concur about the “backalley operations” — way too close to backalley abortions, and not a way someone should be forced to risk their lives.
Huge thorny nest/ball of ethics, safety, individual safety, individual self identification…
Well, everyone knows Lance Armstrong won all those Tour de Frances because he doesnt have testicles and a scrotum. so more power to ya, dude.
Fake.
@80 now is that a record for the longest time for someone to call fake (not counting those where it never got called of course)??? 🙂
@70 – i have the entire friends collection on DVD, watched it through a couple of times, and do not remember that episode at all. not saying you made it up, just saying that’s the sort of thing i’d remember. weird. sounds like a great episode, tho!
@82, according to the internets, it’s episode 165, “The One With Ross and Monica’s Cousin” from Season Seven.
While it would be ideal to have procedures like this done in a medical environment the simple fact is that it would be extremely difficult to find a doctor willing to do it as elective surgery. Honestly it doesn’t bother me too much that it was done in a BDSM context because that’s likely the only way he could have it done. I hope he followed up with his doctor shortly afterwards though.
@52 I would assume removing the scrotum would be for aesthetics so there isn’t an empty sack of loose skin hanging between the legs.
For people getting on my case about calling the guy a nutjob:
Note I said he’s free to do whatever he wants. That’s all that’s required of me as a good progressive. I in no way want to deny him the ownership of his body and the freedom to do with it as he pleases.
I could be dishonest and say I approve of his decision, and am totally accepting of it. But that would be dishonest.
The truth is, if someone I cared about confided in me that they were having sexual fantasies about castration and that they were strongly considering going through with it I would urge therapy. I would urge them to reconsider something that drastic and permanent.
If they still went through with it, that would be their choice, but I would try to get them to seek therapy first and address the underlying issue that is leading them to think this is a good idea.
That’s the reality. I bet lots of other people feel the same way but aren’t honest enough to cop to it. Which is fine, I’m usually more honest than anyone else I know.
Well, if he’s happy with the results, then power to him. Obviously castration is not something a person should go ahead with without putting a lot of thought and careful consideration into it, since it is a big change to the body and it is irreversible. Still, it was clearly right for him, and for a lot of other people, too. Good on him to share his story and enlighten the rest of us about something that most people would view with a knee-jerk negative reaction.
Mazel tov and thanks for sharing.
I almost long for the days when I felt my own jaw drop. I guess I’m too old to be shocked anymore. When I’m 80, people are going to tiptoe around me and it’ll just make me more pissed.
As a health care professional, I have to say that psychological counseling before *any* significant body alteration is becoming the norm – even if the procedure has been mainstream and refined for decades and is intended to correct an obvious problem or defect. The fact that the procedure seems to have been done without any thought to frame of mind beyond the extremely subjective “I decided it was right for me” should be a huge red flag to any qualified surgeon. I also wouldn’t trust “sterile procedure” in that situation – hospital ORs and surgery centers have a lot of built-in features to promote sterile/aseptic technique, and procedures are constantly refined and monitored. I think the LW totally lucked out in a) not having any major long-term complications from the procedure (so far as he knows) and b) being happy and fulfilled afterward. I also think the cutter is totally immoral and lacking any ethical refinement – assuming the situation is roughly as streamlined as the LW presented it.
I find it very impressive to see all the careful, careful steps he took: taking the time to do it safely, finding a person who’d already been there and who he felt comfortable around, going to a person that friend trusted. And while as a nurse’s daughter there is a small voice in the back of my head that just shrieks at the thought of amateur surgery — hey, he took a calculated risk and it paid off.
Plus, I’d bet it was cheaper than it would have been at a hospital or clinic.
That’s a brave soul. Good for him. The non-clinic part does give me a little heebie-jeebies, but it apparently ended well.
Being a frequent traveler, I immediately go to wondering how the full-body scan readers at airport security react and how our friend feels about knowing his image is being scrutinized and discussed for approval or further investigation. I hope he is not embarassed/mortified and maybe even gets his rocks off (so to speak) in that particular situation.
@90 – unlicensed doctors are usually cheaper. And @91 – they usually don’t kill you by accident, either.
@17: Vince, I’m so sorry. Has it been at all helpful to read this guy’s story?
@66
Eroticism & body dysmorphic disorders:
Women consensually have their chest sliced open in two different locations, only to allow someone to stretch open the wounds and shove in plastic bags full of goo before sewing them shut again.
Men and women alike actually pay other people huge sums of money to STAB THEM REPEATEDLY with a vacuum cleaner.
And people faithfully stand in line to have BOTULISM injected into their FACE.
The lengths people go to in order to be comfortable in their own skin are often extreme. The above scenarios are are examples of modifications to body parts or general appearance. They are no less eroticized than RINM’s, it’s just that the above examples of “self mutilation” are viewed in the context of cultural norms. Now maybe this doesn’t speak very highly about the sanity of our culture, but it would also seem to indicate that beauty, like sanity, is relative.
I find this so much less disturbing than so many other things featured on this site. Already had surgery, already an adult with life experience under his belt, understood the long-term ramifications, doesn’t directly (negatively) impact anyone else, etc.
I find it hard to believe, however, that this guy couldn’t have found a real plastic surgeon to do the job, though. You get folks who go in for penile implants (that don’t work) and labiaplasties (that no one notices). Especially with the history of cancer risk, he might have even gotten insurance to cover it! While the surgeon might have been a little “judgey,” LW probably would have been a lot less likely to end up with a potentially devastating or deadly infection.
If his story seems like a “how to” for folks out there – check out a doctor first!
@69 I agree with you on “nut-job” but “ick factor” not so much. After all “ick factor” just means that the individual using the phrase is personally squicked out. Much as some are squicked out by water sports, or snowballing, or even something as simple and mundane as eating yummy sushi (minds out of the gutter for once that is not a euphemism). “Eww I think that’s gross, but whatever.” is a far cry from, and much less judgmental than “nut-job”.
@85 The problem is your use of “nut-job” implies mental incompetence on his part. Implying that he shouldn’t have been allowed to make his own decisions in this matter.
@96
Fault me for what you will, so long as it’s not hypocrisy. I’m not really a big fan of any kind of elective surgery – I think it’s all pretty unhealthy – but I recognize all around people’s right to do it.
I don’t think it’s any less borderline pathological to want bigger, more socially sought-after breasts so much that you get rubber or salt water stuck in them, but if you’ve been socialized that way and it’s the only way you can be happy, well, fine, go for it.
I’m certainly not going to naysay when I will be first in line if and when real personal augmentation becomes available. Carbon fiber bones and a computer in my head with a heads-up display spliced straight into my optic nerve? Sign me the fuck up. Maybe that’s just as weird as wanting no balls or bigger breasts.
My first reaction is “Oh hell no”!
But I would also like to add that I think it took a lot of balls for the letter writer to do what he felt was in his own best interest. Different strokes as they say.