Yes, you’re fat. You’ve finally gotten me to say it. You are fat. I
look at you, and I see three chins just waiting to embolden themselves.
I see your stomach when you stand up; it’s practically the size of the
spare tire on a French bicycle. Yes, yes, yes, you were right the first
time: You’re fat. And you’re using the excuse that you’re
breast-feeding to eat every goddamn dessert in sight. And then you,
occasionally, complain that you’re fat (not two weeks after insisting
that you’re NOT fat). Look, you’re fat. You’re repulsive to me. You’re
not the sexy beast you once were, the one that laid everybody in
Olympia twixt 12 and 20. You’re fat, and you’re shoveling down ice
cream, cannoli, and every goddamn dairy product with a trademark that
you can find—and finding every convenient excuse to do so. I
figure you will be using these excuses for the rest of your life,
because it’s easy. I’m sick of avoiding everything fatty because of my
health, whereas there is not a single cake, ice-cream cone, pie,
muffin, cupcake, or mousse that you can find it in your heart to deny
JUST ONCE. You suck these things down twice a day, then complain about
it, and then expect some words of sympathy from me. Look, YOU ARE FAT,
YOU ARE DOING NOTHING TO STOP IT, AND YOU HAVE NEVER SHOWN ONE IOTA OF
RESOLVE THAT YOU WILL EVER TRY TO DO SO. So you got me to say it, in my
own passive-aggressive/through-the-media manner. Why do I have to deal
with it? Self-control: It’s better than bite-size Milky Ways, Bessie.
Catch the wave. recommended

121 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. this one’s a real prize. how bout you carry another human being in your body for 9 months and then feed it from your body for months after that and then MAYBE you get to make any sort of commentary about fat. i hope your fat significant other leaves your ass high and dry – asshole.

  6. i lost 35lbs over the past year. it is possible. the best is when super-hot chicks comment on your healthier look. put down the dreyer’s and go outside.

  7. She won’t be fat for the rest of her life. At some point she’ll wake up, freak out, eat some more cannoli, and then the next day she’ll decide it’s time to take control of her life.

    You probably won’t be around then, but it’ll happen.

  8. My guess? This jerk off is probably making her feel bad about herself for lots of reasons and the eating is just a symptom of that. Of course, it is her choice to behave that way – overeating – but these things are seldom the fault of only one half of a partnership.

  10. Nobody likes a fatty, nevermind paying for their bloated (no pun intended, ha!) healthcare from the public coffers, but anyone who uses the word “twixt” is a douche. And stop being a passive/agressive dick. Confront or bail if you’re capable of being a man, which I kinda doubt.

  11. “Oh yeah, I’m 5’2 and weight 112 lbs.”

    Add the typical internet slimming of 50 lbs. Subtract 2 inches.

    You are 5′ and 160 lbs. And probably enjoy midget-porn.

  13. Dude- If you really care about her (and the baby), tell her you’re going to help her and the baby by working out an eating plan to help them both be healthy. And gain some weight yourself by growing a pair…

  14. Stavick – did you pick that up from Adam Carolla? Because I was about to do the same internet math. Though mine would have gone as such:

    +10 lbs for internet
    +5 lbs for commenting on blogs
    +5 lbs for announcing her height & size.
    – 2 inches for renouncing the author.

  16. Breastfeeding actually helps lose baby weight faster. Unless you’re just eating crap all day. Then, no. Don’t blame the breastfeeding. Women been doing it for years.

  17. So, she was the village bike. Now she wants to lay around like a lawn chair and pound pastrys. Her body, her call. What do you know anyway, I Anon ? You’re caught up in a hell of your own devising. So quit ragging on old girl. Oh yeah, my shit is smellier than yours!

  18. stavick – are there really people out there who DON’T enjoy midget porn?

    Also, I love how any time there’s any mention of fat people, all the fat people come out of the woodwork to tell us that there’s something wrong with US for not being attracted to 50 extra pounds of blubber. If I wanted to fuck a walrus, I’d live in the Yukon.

  19. BRAVO, BRAVO. Yes Sir you hit it right on the head, the epidemic of the pregnant girl blooming to hundreds of extra pounds when pregnant.The fact is these girls stay skinny just long enough to get pregnant then they got your wallet for 18 years! you can leave now or put up with her ever increasing girth. Guess what youll still be paying for her Hagen Daz for years to come! The old excuse of eating for two is bullshit, If that were true she would only eat healthy foods, watch her caloric intake, exercise, etc. Sorry its just an excuse to be a pig. Dont lie, tell her shes getting fat. If you care about the girl,and the baby do be proactive and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Get rid of the crap, make her exercise, show her some before, and after pics if neccecary, or just cut your losses be real, bail, and get out your wallet and give her half your shit for next 20 years. P.S. I,Anon much better this is the stuff, or closer anyway

  21. SausageFingers, if it weren’t for fatties and smokers dying off at the rate they are, not only would universal health care be completely untenable, fewer people than there are now would have any access to a doctor. Too many people live to a ripe old age, and elderly healthcare is the most expensive of all. That’s why every morning I hug and kiss a fatty smoker: my boyfriend. Mwah! Thanks honey!

  24. My Name,

    I’m not fat. Why would I hate myself? Odd reasoning there…

    Dirty Time,

    I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter….

    Sheryl,

    You make a good point. Pass the bacon.

  25. I am so fucking sick and tired of fatties blaming everything but themselves for their blubber, and then expecting everyone to be ATTRACTED TO THEM. Its simple math, people….consume FEWER calories than you use during the day to lose weight. SO FUCKING WHAT if your metabolism is “slow”, you still SIMPLY need to consume fewer calories. Get off your asses and quit eating crap, fatties. We learned this math in FIRST GRADE.

  26. Yeah, nobody likes a fatty Sausage Fingers. It’s the last bastion of acceptable prejudice. Not all fat people are unhealthy, and not all thin people are healthy. The term “Fatty” is intended to diminish,embarrass, and render invisible the person to whom it is leveled. Insurance companies will pay to treat alcoholics and smoke cessation but try and get them to pay for bariatric surgery for the morbidly obese.

    All fat people are lazy couch potato face stuffers and all thin people are paragons of self control, right? And mocking fat people is presumed to help motivate them to change their slothful ways, but in fact has the opposite effect. Fat people are so ostracized, is it any surprise that their only solace and friend is food?

    It is you, Sausage Fingers, who is the douche. Kiss my fat ass.

  27. You suck,

    Actually it’s one of two final bastions of acceptable prejudice, the other being black on white hatred, but that is another story all together…

    Keep it up with the excuses for being fat, though. Face it, you eat too much and exercise too little. Simple as that. No one owes you a damn thing. I’ve been both fat and an alcoholic in my lifetime. Wanna know how I stopped being fat? I stopped eating and worked my way up to running 75 miles a week. You do the same and you won’t be fat anymore either. Wanna know how I stopped being an alcoholic? I stopped drinking.

  30. i like fat chicks. it really depends on how the fat is shaped though.

    there are attractive fat girls and there are unattractive fat girls.

    its in the eye of the beholder

  31. Lovely way to talk about the mother of your child, in a public forum no less. I am assuming she would rather fill her mouth with sweets than with a dick that’s attached to a complete piece of shit.

  32. So she bares a child, and IS eating for two, and doesn’t have time to do the overly rigorous maintenance necessary to maintain the tiny body you seem to demand (probably because you aren’t helping her do jack shit), and then you decide that it is her job to be sexy for you RIGHT NOW. because it’s all about you- right? right?

  33. holy crap, I can’t believe how many people think that just because a fatty doesn’t want to be CALLED a fatty means that they expect everyone to want to fuck them. I’m a person of size (yeah I said it, deal with it) and I realize that there are a lot of people out there who wouldn’t be sexually attracted to me because of that. But that is NO reason to call me or any other big person nasty names, or treat them like crap. Seriously, you people can fuck right off.

    Size acceptance isn’t about forcing everyone to get all hot and bothered about extra pounds. It’s about teaching that overweight people aren’t lazy, bad, nor do they somehow deserve to be ostricized because they are not the social norm. And PUHLEASE don’t get me started on how fat people are ruining health insurance. Because let me tell you how sorry I feel for the average skinny minny who goes to the doctor and actually gets TREATED for what ails them instead of being told that everything will be fine if they “just lose some weight.” Because if it was easy to just lose some weight, don’t you think we would have done it already?

    And to those people who would call ME a couch potato. Again with the fucking right off. Yup, when I get home from work I sit on the couch and watch tv. Wanna know why I’m not all gung-ho about going to the gym? Because I work as a catering chef, and my average day is 10-16 hours working on my feet. So, I know it would be better for me to get out there and get some exercise, but honestly I’m just too damned tired.

  34. If I Anonymous doesn’t want her I’m sure there are plenty out there who do! She won’t always be breastfeeding but if she is smart she will dump the easy 150 pounds first…you.
    Curves in all the right places beats straight up and down any day! And as for the larger than curvy people….I know men who won’t settle for anything less. As my sister once said there is a seat for every ass.

  35. She sounds like she has postpartum depression, compounded by the fact that she married a shallow, nasty asshole who resents that she’s eating stuff he can’t. Calling the mother of your child “Bessie” sucks ass. Know what else contributes to weight gain? Lack of sleep, stress and no time to exercise. You don’t like her weight gain? Do the 3 a.m. feeding and watch the kid so she can go to a gym. 15 years from now the kid will be writing in about what an asshole his dad is.

  37. Dude, can I assume she is breast-feeding your child? And since you didn’t hand it off to a nice pair of faggots to raise, you might be TRYING to raise it together. So ask yourself:

    –What is wrong with YOU that she doesn’t care whether you get near her and knock her up again so she gets another round of squalling, wet diapers, sleep disturbances, hormonal yo-yoing and probably disrespect from you?

    –What does she see in the ice cream that she doesn’t see in you? If you aren’t doing more laundry, housecleaning, trash removal and contribution to the household than the box of icecream, at least the box of icecream is not going all judgmental on her ass.

    –Have you ever heard of post-partum depression? It’s a REAL problem. Women get it lots of ways but lots of times overeating can be a symptom of depression. It might be something you or she could ask her doctor about though if her doctor has any brain cells they should be screening for depression anyway. And if she doesn’t have a doctor, you both need one.

    So my advice:
    It’s totally understandable to be concerned about her weight even if the first reason that comes to mind is you just want to screw her ass some more.
    Hire a babysitter.
    Take her to a nice Valentine’s outing.
    Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her and you can see all the ways the baby has changed your lives.
    Talk about the good stuff.
    Talk about what is hard for you.
    Ask her what is hard for her.
    ASK her whether there are things you can do to make her burderns easier.
    Find out whether she is getting good emotional support from her family or from other moms because they can do a bunch of stuff you cannot.
    Find yourself some other young dads to be friends with because they can help in ways she cannot.
    Be honest and tell her you miss the sexy babe she used to be. Tell her you are worried about her health. If writing all over the paper was the first time you have said anything, you need to keep trying and get yourself some mental health assistance too.

    Seriously, talk can be amazingly sexy and she deserves to have you try. I do not guarantee all this will work, but if you try at least you will look like a lot less of a turd than you do right now.

  38. i’m pretty fat.

    i’m also a lot of other things.

    like smart enough not to allow people to abuse me or negate my opinions just because i’m fat.

    i hope she leaves that asshole.
    and i hope you, concerned citizen, learn that there is more to people than their size.
    i won’t hold my breath regarding either tip though.

  40. I can’t wait to read your lament once your kid is about five, and your wife is down to a size 8 again and headed out to meet her lover when it’s your night for custody. For many women, losing control of their bodies during pregnancy is a relief. You become huge, then less huge when the baby is born, then totally devoted to the kid for the first few years. Not having to worry about being sexy for a few years is a relief for many women, and you should let her enjoy that. The guy who wants his wife to be the slim wild child he fell in love with six months after delivering inevitably becomes the douche bag who constantly whines about sex. Just chill out for a while. Go masturbate. Give her some space, and plenty of backrubs, then come back to the game. Trust me. She’ll be ready for you. She gave up her body for nine months to carry the kid, another year plus to breast feed, then another year plus tending to the kid before he learned to play well with others. You give up desire for two years. Its a fair trade. Guys who get this and roll with it are the ones who stay happily married and get sex all the time. Get with the program, dude, and get over yourself. For the next few years, it’s all about the kid.

  41. oh yeah, peta. that’s how it works. i carried my boy to a nice healthy 9 pounds at birth without gaining an ounce. i looked like marilyn monroe after giving birth, and continued to do so for a year or so after, because i was nursing full time due to the vexing dearth of monetary sources necessary to buy little things like ‘formula’.

    i didn’t, in fact, have any money through the pregnancy, or until he was over two years old, when i finally went on assistance for a bit and then became employed. adding to this adventure, those three hour a night sleeps were a real hoot.

    guess why i was so skinny?

    perhaps the same reason the cops were notified once (to say nothing of all the times they weren’t) when i went off on him (actually, i went off on a garbage can with my mcdonald’s tray — but it was quite the performance) one depressing february afternoon?

    allow me to clarify: i was a fucking psychotic, starving, sleep deprived, hormonally whacked-out mess. childrearing/nursing is quite taxing on the body. but let me tell you, original poster, i was hawt. it sounds like you would have approved — psychotic, evil AND abusive! feeling hot hot hot!

    why don’t you deny her the monetary resources that allow her to fatten up?

    it sounds like that’s what she really needs…

    enjoy that eighteen years of child support. you can damned well be sure my son’s father won’t………..

  43. OH GOD, fat … the horror beyond all others…

    I am over weight but very good looking … you should have my sex life … fuck yourself and your tiny dick

  44. Pregnancy only requires 300 calories- thats a fucking PB sandwich. Lactating moms don’t require much more. Calcium intake is a different game. The I Anon complains of dairy ingestion. Many women crave cows milk during both pregnancy and lactation because both are high in protein and calcium.
    Pregnant and Lactating women will result to Pica- craving of things- to resolve mineral imbalances. While no one has the excuse to make themselves a fat fuck, check your diet. She has different needs then yours. Especially if you are vegan.
    If she is eating around your needs- she will consume more calories then she needs.
    Of course it could be the whole horse and BS. Man knocks up girl, I am safe you stay with me always… been both places.

  45. k knows so much. heed his wisdom! marvel as he sucks down another pack of camel lights as he extolls the martyr vegan, mocking yet another lazy pregnant bitch.

    chuckle as he writes yet another child support check!

    three hundred calories times three, if the state has any sense of decency, dollars, every month until your precious underfed offspring graduates into life, which is more than i can say for you…

  46. We grow humans inside of our bodies.
    Even though I know it’s how everyone who has ever lived got here, it still sounds so amazing to me.
    Some cells slowly change into a live human, that you can feel kicking and moving inside of you.
    That’s not even the crazy part!
    After all of this, a child somehow gets out of your body. No matter how many books you read, or movies you watch… no matter how confident you are , nothing can prepare you for all the ways your life changes the very moment that child is out. All at once, there is a person. A person who is completely dependent on YOU.
    I don’t think I ever really knew what it meant to be tired until I had a child. Mothers are far stronger than anyone will ever know.
    I have been a fatty my whole life, but I gained more weight then I would like to admit(OK 70 pounds!!!60 I have been able to shed) while growing my small human. I think I know WHY too.
    YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING ELSE.
    This person who has no means of getting around without you, eats what you eat, breathes what you breathe, and shares that guilt filled glass of wine you allow yourself once a week. Most likely you are holding down a full time job and sustaining a human life with milk from your BOOBS. If this girl has “Anonymous” as a Baby Daddy… I am sure of two things:
    1. She’s probably doing EVERYTHING herself.
    2. She deserves to have a vice! Right now that vice is cannoli!

    Did you know that there is a certain point in weight loss where you go from being fat to just overweight, and strangers treat you differently?. One day I went to the store, juggling my tantrum throwing daughter in one hand and a cart in the other, as usual. Some guy asked if I needed help. I looked at him like he was nuts. Me? No one at the store had tried to help me in a year!
    So, Women do the most selfless important job there is… and yet we receive constant criticism and are judged on our excess body fat. Really?
    I hope my kid is a lesbian. I am not joking.

  49. “Dirtytime, You are right, no one is trying to fuck you, here or anywhere.”

    The point, walrus, is that no one is trying to fuck me because I am an insufferable prick and not because I’m a slob with no self-respect who packs a FUPA the size of a Prius in the front of their stretch pants.

  50. god i love this woman (fatty mcfat, that is). she and i could dish all week.

    for what it’s worth, i don’t think your weight loss necessarily affected whether you were asked if you would accept any help. i figure for about every 200 public displays of tantrum, i got about 2 offers, and i was relatively fetching at the time..

    (p.s. my comment to you was meant as a compliment, not a dis. rereading it, it sounds a little sarcastic. from one service industry pro/single mom to another….)

    alright, that’s enough back scratching for now…

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