Hey, assholes: When I’m walking around all morning with a big piece
of light-green chewing gum stuck to the front of my sunglasses, feel
free to help a girl out. Hey, barista—don’t just turn your eyes
away from me like I’m a leper with my shirt on backward. Use your
words: “Hey, hon, you have a big wad of chewing gum stuck to the front
of your face.” Hey, bus driver! I blame you, too—you saw the big
wad of green and let me stroll to the back of the bus like an asshole.
Hey, guy sitting next to me on the bus! I saw you do a double take on
me—so not only did you make me feel like an asshole for thinking
you were flirting with me, you let me walk into work and say hi to
myboss with a big wad of gum on my glasses. Thanks a lot,
ass-holes.

72 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. How in the sweet fuck do you not notice you have gum stuck to your glasses?

    Morphine haze? The ultimate hangover from beyond the universe? What?

  3. I feel bad for her, Seattle people can be so cold sometimes.

    I think you would have to carry a purse to understand how this could happen:

    sunglasses on the bottom of purse + chewed up gum you put back into the wrapper and tucked back into purse because there was no waste bin around (note: did not spit gum on the sidewalk like a jerk) and then forgot to throw it out later = gum stuck to glasses & rude ass people calling you a coke head

  7. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for entertaining us. While riding the bus, I heard the bus driver remark about “that weirdo with a huge wad of gum on her sunglasses” and a fellow passenger snort back, “yeah, looked like a crazy cat lady or something.”

    My barista guffawed as he poured me a drink later that morning (coffee and soy, no frills) and slapped his knee as he mimed this haughty gal stromping into the place with some extra sugarfree stuck to her oakleys. “Did she notice? Is she stupid?” he laughed.

    I do hope you enjoy knowing that you gave us all a big chuckle that day and certainly hope you’ll follow through with some equally outlandish stunt.

    Maybe a used nicotine patch on the back of your shirt?

    Love,
    Seattle

  8. #6 – I suspect it was stuck to the frame, not the actual lens. Although honestly you’d think she would have noticed when she took them out of her purse.

  9. hmm well #6 – I guess I would say maybe it was stuck to the front side of the glasses and that a quick one handed rummage in purse, flick glasses on face because of a bright glare as one heads out the door to get coffee might cause this to happen.

    I’m no Sherlock Holmes but I would probably rule out you suggestion of Morphine Haze to a more common I Need Some Freaking Coffee Now Haze.

  10. I just assumed you were a piece of epic fail performance art. People do/wear stupid shit like that all the time here on purpose, have you not noticed?

  11. Brondo: Agreed.

    I’ve seen people with worse (one student wearing old rubber-duck-print Pajama Bottoms with the ass ripped out comes to mind), and assume they are just Cornish students doing a final.

    No seriously, have seen some of the Cornish Kids’ stuff?

  12. Maybe everyone was just as self-absorbed as you apparently must be. Here’s a tip someone once gave me when I was feeling particularly self-conscious: “Don’t worry about what anyone thinks of you. Because they’re not. They’re thinking about themselves and worrying what you must think of them.” Let it go already.

  13. unless you’re blind, i fail to see how it’s other people’s responsibility to tell you what you have on you. i mean, yeah, politeness and whatnot, but acting like this is a big fucking slight, and writing an I, Anon? yeah get a life.

  14. Hey! Stop chewing us out! What do we care? I mean, it was right in front of your face! Sounds like somebody needs to go to Babes In Toyland and find something to double your pleasure with! Geez, Louise…

  16. LOL! This was too funny. I would have said something, but it could be that maybe other people just didn’t notice – okay except for that guy who did the double take.

  17. I think a lot of people don’t say anything because they don’t want to embarrass you and risk getting a negative reaction. Simply put, they are big pussies. When I tell people about that kind of stuff they usually thank me. I know that I like it when people tell me if there’s something weird going on.

  19. Excuse me, but how is it everyone else’s fault that she is running around like an idiot with gum on her glasses? I must have missed the law that says you must immediately inform every dumbass when they are doing something stupid. How should anyone know that she didn’t want her gum there in the first place? Who does she think she is to demand that the entire city be on the lookout for her embarrassing gaffes?

    I’ve read about a lot of self centered morons in this column, but this one sets a new low.

  21. Gee. I’m sorry. Guess I didn’t get the memo about how it was MY job to keep you from looking like a fool.

  22. Gee. I’m sorry. Guess I didn’t get the memo about how it was MY job to keep you from looking like a fool.

  23. fatbellieddragon: you’re right, that’s my job.

    You look like a fool for double posting. Quit it.

  26. They were probably more concerned about the urine soaked masturbating hobo a few rows down from you on the bus. Sunglasses with some non-sequitur shit on them are not usually a cause for concern. Wads of chewing gum are the new duct tape.

  28. I anon is obviously just embarrassed. She morphed her embarrassment into misplaced anger. She had to make this “someone else’s” fault, it couldn’t possibly be her own (gasp!). Why? Because people have trouble taking responsibility for their own ridiculous actions. We all do dumb shit, and for fuck’s sake I would hope someone would let me know if my fly was down or I had a booger hanging out of my nose (I won’t go so far as to say gum on my sunglasses … because that would never happen). But for fuck’s sake I don’t blame other people for “letting” it happen. I’d tell you, but I certainly don’t expect that much from everyone.

    And @13 hit the fucking nail on the head … no one else is giving two shits about you anyway, they are way too self absorbed.

    And why are you still wearing those sunglasses once inside your office anyway? Sounds like a hangover to me … maybe you should think twice about getting so fucked up on a “school night” that you walk around the next day with gum stuck on your glasses.

  29. I agree with 13 too.
    Maybe no one said anything because they were probably thinking, “Who’s this bitch wearing her sunglasses on the bus/in the coffee shop? And WTF is that stuck to them? Gum? What is that? Should I tell her? Oh well, she’s gone. Whatever.”
    How the hell do you get gum on your glasses, really? The purse explanation above is not cutting it.

  31. A decade ago, I took a big swig of pepto before heading out to work at the head shop. It wasn’t until I used the restroom about 2 hours later that I discovered I had a big pink stain above my lip that everyone had let me walk around with and interact with customers with.

    When I asked why (beyond the obvious humor of “how long will it take?”) it turned out that they thought it was actually lipstick I got from a hot lezbo make out session from just before work. I liked that better and went with it.

  33. I feel for you, gum girl.

    All of the comments calling you ridiculous for not being able to SEE YOUR OWN FACE are just closed-off douchebags justifying. People should be getting others’ backs, not being fucking assholes.

    Unfortunately, the only solution is to move, because these people are hopelessly tied to the idea that doing it yourself is the only way to do it.

  34. I’ve come to the conclusion that the comments section in “I, Anonymous” is routinely more interesting than the column itself. Well done, everyone!

  35. are you serious? didn’t you look at your glasses before you put them on? who’s fault is it really? oh, hey dumb-ass, there’s gum on your face!

  38. At least this I Anon isn’t about some guy who gave his girlfriend crabs because she was a bitch for being fat and he was too “kind” to tell her.

    And, girl, you’re probably better off not having someone from Seattle tell you you’ve got something wrong going on. I was doing the wrong pose during yoga the other day, and someone behind me pointed it out, then spent the next 10 minutes apologizing for possibly having offended me.

  39. Yeah okay, there’s no rule or law dictating that you should tell someone when they’ve got a booger on their face or something’s unbuttoned, it’s just basic decency.

    I would have told I-Anon.

    As somebody who’s generally pretty preoccupied w/ my job or what I’m reading or whatever, I could see myself doing this, although I don’t chew gum so that wouldn’t be the problem. The average person’s life is pretty complicated so it’s easy to live in your head and miss somethhing, despite your best efforts.

    The phenomenon I-Anon describes is pretty typical in my experience. Somebody could get shot or their pants could fall down or whatever, while getting on a bus and most Seattle bus riders wouldn’t flinch for fear of actually expressing themselves. I do have a story about an exception, though. My skirt zipper was down (it was full, flowy kind of skirt so it was easy not to notice) and a woman across the aisle passed me a note to let me know. I really appreciated it.

    As for all the nasty responses posted, they’re akin to chimps in zoos throwing their own feces.

  40. Think it this way: 1-Seems that you gave a great day to everyone that saw you, and 2- you are giving us, readers a great time reading your story. Congrats.

  41. Seattle people don’t say anything, unless it affects them somehow not to…and even then it is usually the most passive attempt at communication you’ll ever encounter.

    Seattle: grow a pair. I’ve been here 13 years and still am amazed at what a navel gazing city you are.

    Again, Seattle people won’t say shit, even if they have a mouthful.

  42. I think this is pretty fucking hilarious myself…. I also think people chewing gum look pretty disgusting doing it anyway; so having it stuck on your stupid glasses isn’t that much worse.

  43. It is weird how reserved Seattle people are. It’s kind of like invasion of the body snatchers at times (Reference explanation: 50s, sci-fi movie where pod people invaded human bodies so they looked the same but acted like zombies, It was re-made in the eighties w/ Jeff Goldblum before he got buff, anyway……..). Everybody has a pet theory. I have no idea.

    If you’ve never noticed, try breaking w/ the unspoken code, however innocuously, and watch what happens. Once, on a rainy day, I slid down the bus aisle and landed hands first in this guy’s lap. The guy was gracious and laughed. Nobody else made a peep. While it was nice not to be publicly ridiculed, and it wasn’t like I needed help or anything, it felt pretty chilly. You might also try actually speaking to someone who’s lolly-gagging at Whole Foods, right in the middle of a walk way. A politely stated: “Excuse, I need to get by,” if the person actually hears you and responds, is often met by the wince-smile–meaning the person’s smiling w/ their mouth but not w/ their eyes–minus spoken language. I’m not sure how to interpret this reaction, but the vibe I get is: How dare you disturb my private reverie. I’m going to be the bigger person about it by not sinking to your level and actually speaking. Yeah, it’s great to be left alone. I prefer it most of the time. But sharing the world with other people requires communication.

  44. Back in the day, I felt the exact same way, when my friends didn’t take the time to inform me that I had coke residue on my nose ,after taking a “Scarface-style” face plunge into a pile of coke.

    But then again, that was “back-in-the-days.”

  49. Hey doucuhe nozzle – if you’re too fucking leotarded to notice gum on your glasses, that I have to assume there’s a whole book of other acts of stupid that come out of you that ALWAYS end up being somebody else’s fault. Try a little common sense and a mirror check before you leave your cave. Otherwise, don’t blame anyone else for your lack of ability to differentiate sunglasses from gum…

  50. Hey doucuhe nozzle – if you’re too fucking leotarded to notice gum on your glasses, that I have to assume there’s a whole book of other acts of stupid that come out of you that ALWAYS end up being somebody else’s fault. Try a little common sense and a mirror check before you leave your cave. Otherwise, don’t blame anyone else for your lack of ability to differentiate sunglasses from gum…

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