I never, ever believed I would find myself here. I am an empowered woman. I have worked with survivors of rape and
intimate-partner violence. I do not see myself as invulnerable or better than people who end up in violent relationships, but I do believe that I have a strong enough support network and know enough about the warning signs to be able to avoid it or to leave if it begins to evolve. So why is leaving you the furthest thing from my mind?
You gave me two black eyes. On our anniversary. You threatened to rape me during a fight. That it was a hollow threat seems almost meaningless—you wanted to see me that scared. Mission accomplished. You have been convicted of domestic violence in your past and have proven yourself capable of it again.
But our relationship looks nothing like an abusive relationship should. We are exquisitely egalitarian. You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times. You do not try to destroy my self-esteem or my relationships with others. You are not jealous, irrational, or controlling. You are my strongest advocate and my most emphatic cheerleader. You are my best friend.
You have assumed full responsibility for your atrocious behavior and are taking concrete and measurable steps to fix it. But you have struggled with anger-management and impulse-control issues for your entire life. You got arrested, got help, and got better. Then you relapsed.
I don’t know if I believe that you will never do it again. 
My soon-to-be-ex husband is an emotional abuser, and I stayed married to him for 25 years. Working with a tough therapist now to help me refocus my life on me and our kids, and away from him and his endless lies, manipulations and needs. Although he never actually hit me, each time I’d catch him lying, cheating or manipulating, I could see behind his mask of love and caring, and it was terrifying. He, too, was my best friend, and when I had to have my wedding ring cut off, it had grown too tight over the years and I couln’t simply remove it, the jeweler snipped, completely by chance, into the tiny space between the word SOUL and MATES. I get shivers thinking how symbolic that is, and how slim the chances are that it would happen. He told me he was leaving for another woman, Monday, April 12, and I tried to take my own life with an overdose. Not, I think, because he was really leaving, but on some level, I was afraid he wouldn’t truly leave and I could never ever break the cycle of what is now clear to me was always abuse. Obviously, I survived, and though I had a rough first week, the past couple of days and working with my supportive friends, family, and counselor, I am already to a stage of relief that is almost elation. The grief was first, then the anger, and now I am feeling like a balloon, let go from an iron grip, floating towards the sky.
leave now, and don’t ever contact him again.
if you need more perspective than the stranger comments section, choose five of your most trusted, most admired colleagues in your domestic violence work. sit down with each of them individually and tell them the whole story. be honest and don’t leave anything out. then ask for their professional opinions.
please leave.
#55 has a good idea. You can even tell the story as a Friend of a Friend, saying “she” but meaning you. That way you could be more honest about your feelings, needs and desires. I also know that, in my situation, I overintellectualized, like #42 says, and was weirdly proud of staying, as in “99.99% of wives would have left him by now, but I didn’t give up.”, and like #46 says about their behavior being “supranormal”, that’s how my husband was. He was so over-the-top romantic that he melted other women’s hearts just to have them see how he treated me. Then he banged them all, in our bed. But first he called me at work, “just to hear my voice” and to make sure I wasn’t heading back to the house.
You need to ask yourself, like I am asking myself now, why am I even considering staying? I feel like I’ve been in love with a hologram, an image he projected onto my overly needy retinas. Don’t be stupid, don’t waste any more time on this man. Time is what your life is made of.
Please get help. And get out. Take some self-defense classes.
The best of all possible meals eaten under the Sword of Damocles will never be as good as simple bread and butter enjoyed in the sunshine and fresh air.
There are what, 6 billion people on planet earth? And if you’ve had the luck to find one best friend among that crowd, there are good chances that you’ll find another one. I try to remind myself of that whenever the attachments I’ve had to someone or something clearly not good for me have made it terribly difficult to realize how not-good those things have been. It is awful to leave people, to end things irrevocably, but this is the practice we must undertake to prepare for that most final of leavings, which is death. With that in mind, isn’t it better to leave someone forever and yet have the chance to go on living– as terrible as it might be for awhile, as lifeless as the world might seem for awhile without him in it– than for you to stay and risk possibly fatal bodily harm?
Oh dear. Take it from someone who’s walked a mile in your moccasins. What you describe is a classic domestic abuse cycle. This person has a history of domestic violence with past partners, hits you then experiences extreme remorse, only to fall into violence all over again. That he respects you and loves you unconditionally when he’s not beating the crap out of you is spurious logic. Also, if he’s graduated from threats of rape to black eyes, the situation is not about to evolve in some hypothetical future. It has already evolved in the cold hard reality of right now.
Get out. Period. No one who is actually your best friend would give you black eyes or threaten to rape you. That kind of “relapse” can leave you dead.
A year and a half ago, I could have written exactly this. Be an empowered woman: leave now. You won’t believe the weight it takes off.
@43 It makes you pretty undesirable that your focus is not “how horrible it is that people beat and rape women”, but how bitchy and lame this girl was that she was getting raped and beaten instead of dating you. With that attitude, you ain’t much more of a catch.
It’s not her fault she got into an abusive relationship — you don’t know a relationship is abusive before you start it — and getting out of one is extremely difficult. I don’t understand what high people get from anonymously attacking people in crisis, but you’re even more wrong than usual this time, guys.
The first time he hurt you it was his fault…the next time he hits you it is your own fault for staying. This is the advice my mother gave me when I was a young woman, “Never let a man hit you twice.” Leave, and don”t leave a forwarding address.
Don’t be so hubristic as to think that you don’t need help, or that you “should know better” because of the work that you’ve done. None of us are immune to abusive situations, no matter how “empowered” we are.
You are an abuse victim. Get help – I’m sure you already know exactly how, and you’re lucky to – and get out.
If you stay, all you are doing is giving him a big thumbs up and saying, “It’s ok to hurt me!!”
Leave. Now. Inform a friend or relative, pack in secret, call the police, and LEAVE.
@58: Amen!
It seems like everyone has already said what has to be said. Good job commentators.
I just want to point out that this man is not all of those things that Anon listed: “You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times. You do not try to destroy my self-esteem or my relationships with others.”
How is punching someone’s two eyes and threatening to rape her “compassionate” or “adoring”. How does punching and threatening not destroy her self esteem? Hello?????! If it were only once in many years and he had no past, and it were ONE black eye… .well, I could see giving him another chance. But two black eyes. This seems WAY over the line.
There are good guys out there! Go find one.
A big hug to HRH. Float on, girl. xox
DTMFA
Once you leave this guy- pronto- I recommend you read ‘The Sociopath Next Door’. It’s about people who are without conscience and the ways they often develop to hide the lack, and keep people around, as they find useful. See, they don’t feel, like you and me do. They’re very good at pretending they do. They’re not all serial killers, you know them- AIG execs, politicians, wacko cult leaders, chronic small-time users and abusers. You’ll see this guy there, I bet.
Also, it’ll help you help others in domestic abuse situations. I’m not a counselor, I tried, but to be honest, I couldn’t hack it. So, I’m a psychology professor. Good luck to you, and what a warm, fuzzy I, Anon thread this is. It’s usually neither.
You know, while previewing my comment, it occurs to me to ask…if you’re still living with this guy, you clear your browser history, right? Or use your work machine? I hope.
Now get out.
God, people are so stupid. They’ll put up with anything from a**holes because he/she is their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife because they’ve been brainwashed by Hallmark and its clones into believing they’re incomplete unless they’re getting sex on a regular basis.
Like this moron here. Listen up, doofus. Ask anyone about their best friend, as you called this guy, and they’ll tell you that their best friend has never given them a black eye. What should happen is that you and this guy should part ways and keep in touch via phone calls/emails/live chat etc till the time he proves to you that he’s got his anger management sorted out, whether that is six months from now or five years from now.
Of course, that won’t happen. Instead, you’ll stay with this loser who has no incentive to change his habit of using you as his punching bag whenever his angry. If he felt like not doing it, he’d at least punch a wall and walk away till he calms down, but your face must feel so much nicer underneath his fist. And he also has no reason to go through the difficult path of self-improvement because his hardon-reliever already gives him everything he wants now. You’ll tell yourself that the black eyes, busted lips and broken noses are better than putting up with being single on Valentine’s Day, you’ll buy dresses and make-up so he’ll want to keep f***ing you, and he’ll buy flowers and jewellery so you’ll want to keep f***ing him, and capitalism wins again.
And on the long run, you’ll settle down with him (again, beware the curse of the single people who find their path in life alone!) where his abuse will most likely shift from physical to emotional/sexual/financial (the ones that are committed more because they’re less visible) and you’ll keep telling yourself that you’re happy while desperately doing retail therapy or drinking booze every morning for breakfast or snorting coke.
Empowered woman, indeed.
Moron.
Look, by staying with him, you’re telling him this behaviour is acceptable. The only way some of them ( I say some, cos most can’t learn) learn is through loss.
If you really want to help this guy, the best thing you can do for him is to LEAVE.
Anonymous: leave and look into Washington State’s Address Confidentiality Program. It will enable you to have a confidential mailing address, along with being able to register various state documents anonymously including your drivers license and voters registration. Check with your nearest police station or domestic violence advocacy center.
If you need to quit your job in order to evade an abuser, Washington State will enable you to collect unemployment for this purpose. Good luck.
Holy @!?*ing SHIT, Batman! Did ANON hook up with my ex??
I pray that you can utilize the resources available here in Washington State to get out of your abusive situation.
You and all others who have suffered from rape and abuse remain in my heartfelt thoughts and prayers. I’ve been there too.
You know, the truly sad thing is all the
“Me Too” comments here. Truly fucked up, for real.
Many years ago I was married to a “nice” man who was loving and supportive between his bouts of irresponsibility and anger. The only reason he didn’t do me any physical harm was because I was the same size he was, athletic and physically fit, and let him know exactly what was going to happen if he hit me. So he raped our nine year old daughter. I would have endured a thousand black eyes in order to prevent that.
So, he went to jail, I divorced him, found a good therapist, went back to school and found a good job. I had a rough first year, but my daughter has had ongoing problems and some really hard times. I help her as much as I can. I thought I was so smart, but staying was the worst choice I ever made.
You can’t even imagine how bad things can get if you stay, whether you put up with the abuse or not. Save your own life! Be the heroine of your own story. And don’t die of a life unlived!
everyone that’s being so psychotically dismissive of this woman and saying she “deserves” to get what she’s getting because she’s stayed this long, has clearly never been in such a cycle. People can get used to tolerating all sorts of suffering, their own or others’. Change will only come when you do; for now, he’ll keep being his sometimes-great, inevitably-abusive self, and you’ll continue to bear the brunt until you decide you DON’T deserve it. and you don’t.
You do the outreach work with for ther women. Why make yourself one of those satistics. It’s like you want to go through it so you can know what those women are going through. the first time is just the entrance to the footpath. He WILL do it again. Don’t be stupid like many women and think he will change. JUST GET OUT.
I’m seconding what #52 said, but you know what? If he makes you feel good, and loved, and respected, and bla bla bla, you stay with him.
Because as long as you stay, and continue to enjoy your pseudo-romantic drama and self-destructiveness (“Oh, but I luuuv him!”), some other woman is that much less likely to step in that pile of shit you’re currently rolling around in.
Go for it. Then you can add Martyr to Love Slave.
GIRL, I grew up in this kind of family. My parents loved each other blah blah and dad would beat the shit out of mom on the regular. I cannot begin to tell you the horror stories and the nightmares us kids had to deal with……JUST LEAVE before you have a kid with this guy. Please? your decisions have the power to affect more than just your life.
I think anon may be hung up on feeling that this guy doesn’t fit the abuser profile. She could be right, in the sense that there are people out there with violent anger management problems who don’t have the whole charm and control M.O. going on, and who are genuine sorry and shaken when they really flip out.
The fact is, it doesn’t matter what the nature of the relationship is- all the matters is that it only takes it happening one time for you to know that that is a possibility with him for the rest of your life. And it’s been more than one time. Even if he successfully dealt with his problems/behavior and never repeated his actions, you will still be walking on egg shells and spending your life with someone who you know is willing and capable of hurting you like that.
The relationship that you had that you liked and are tempted to try to preserve was over forever the moment you found out was he was capable of doing to you, now it’s time to take it off life support.
Fuck all these comments and thoughts. Only one thought you need to think of.
Get The Fuck Out.
period.
You can analyze it later.
Why is this anonymous? Oh, I guess because leaving is the furthest thing from your mind even though you think it may happen again. Thanks for sitting on that info.
Remember: don’t piss him off…
this sounds like pretty typical offender behavior mr nice guy all supportive and then he turns into an abuser, but he says sorry and owns up to it. this guy needs to be put in jail or better yet removed from the gene pool entirely.
Maybe this is just me, but IMO the biggest “get the fuck out of there!” sign is the rape threat. Threats of physical violence in a moment of anger? Not good, but can be understandable. Even hitting someone in a moment of anger, while inexcusable, is a natural instinctive response. Rape threats, though . . . that shows a much deeper level of fucked up than just a bit of difficulty reining in the lizard brain. DTMFA, in a public place, with large friends present.
A relationship is not ‘exquisitely egalitarian’ when one partner threatens to rape the other and then beats her.
All the pretty language doesn’t cover the fact -you are a battered woman
There is no excuse for what he did.
Now get out
@78: You’re right, PunchDrunk—abuse truly IS fucked up.
Get out now.
Just shoot him. Get a gun and shoot him. Better yet a compound bow and a couple arrows w/broad head blades. Aim for center of mass. Or gut shoot him. Very painfull. You dont need this and shouldnt pass it on to another women in the future. The man needs to be removed from the population. He is a menace.
It is really all your fault. You must have done something to upset the lovely man enough to blacken both your eyes and threaten rape. You should spend some time looking deep inside youself to see how you can be a better mate and partner to this outsanding man. Sometimes a bitch like you just needs some firm discipline to learn how to behave properly. You should abjectly submit yourself body and soul to his benevolent will. Go forth- no more whining or complaints!!!
Is the abuser a man or a woman? Maybe I missed something.
From personal experiences it seems that some (many?) abusers have issues bordering on multiple personality disorder. Something (not the victim) sets them off and they switch into this abusive, sociopathic personality, taking the aggression out on something proximate that in their mind set them off (usually the partner). When they calm down they switch back into the non-abusive personality and can be legitimately horrified by what they’ve done. People are reluctant to mention this because it paints the abuser as a sort of mental-illness ‘victim’ and it’s easier to tell the abuse victims that their abusers are simply evil and conniving. And some of them are. But obviously these other victims are picking up on the illness and empathizing with their abusers anyway.
Here’s the thing: he may abuse you because he’s mentally ill, unable to stop himself, and is later legitimately sorry. But if he can’t help himself, HE CAN’T STOP IT and — stay with me — will keep abusing you. He will keep morphing back into the abuser when whatever-it-is (THAT NEITHER OF YOU CAN CONTROL) sets him off again. It sucks for him, but more importantly, it sucks for YOU. You need to decide RATIONALLY (not with the illogical and optimistic assumption that he’ll be able to improve himself) how often he abuses you, how bad it is, and if you are willing to stick around and take it. I know you love him, and he probably loves you in his ‘good’ personality, but love isn’t going to stop it.
you should’ve given up the butt, then he wouldn’t have had to tell you twice…
@95, YES, this is a lot of how my situation was. He was also a victim of childhood abuse, emotional, verbal, physical and sexual, and his personality would shift drastically, and quickly, sometimes. He is a damaged person, and I kept excusing his behavior, due to that damage which happened when he was an unprotected innocent. But long story short, I was NOT able to keep him stable, NOT able to keep myself safe, and therefore, I now realize, I need to just get away. Also, some of the stuff he did, he did in the cold manner of a sociopath, just because he knew he could get away with it; he would even brag to me how easy it was to fake sincerity, that he could lie to anyone and he would not just be believed, but sympathized with. So who knows?
So he’s an angel with anger management problems? Doesn’t matter. You could very well be perfect for one another and wonderfully in love and have a glorious relationship otherwise – but “otherwise” is the key word. And if he hits you wrong one day, or too hard, then it won’t matter how kind or supportive he USUALLY is, because you’ll be in a wheelchair. Or dead. And that’s the fact of the matter.
If you’ve given him one “never again”, and it’s happened again, then don’t give him another. Get out.
This letter could’ve been written by me, ten years ago…before I pulled my head out of my ass and dumped the motherfucker.
Repeat this over and over until it sticks: He will do it again. He will do it again. He will do it again. THEY ALWAYS DO IT AGAIN.