I never, ever believed I would find myself here. I am an empowered woman. I have worked with survivors of rape and
intimate-partner violence. I do not see myself as invulnerable or better than people who end up in violent relationships, but I do believe that I have a strong enough support network and know enough about the warning signs to be able to avoid it or to leave if it begins to evolve. So why is leaving you the furthest thing from my mind?

You gave me two black eyes. On our anniversary. You threatened to rape me during a fight. That it was a hollow threat seems almost meaningless—you wanted to see me that scared. Mission accomplished. You have been convicted of domestic violence in your past and have proven yourself capable of it again.

But our relationship looks nothing like an abusive relationship should. We are exquisitely egalitarian. You support me emotionally, love me unconditionally, share my values, and treat me with respect, compassion, and adoration at all other times. You do not try to destroy my self-esteem or my relationships with others. You are not jealous, irrational, or controlling. You are my strongest advocate and my most emphatic cheerleader. You are my best friend.

You have assumed full responsibility for your atrocious behavior and are taking concrete and measurable steps to fix it. But you have struggled with anger-management and impulse-control issues for your entire life. You got arrested, got help, and got better. Then you relapsed.

I don’t know if I believe that you will never do it again. recommended

96 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Wow. Tough situation. Although it seems difficult from your perspective, Anon, I think the drive for self-preservation ought outweigh your love for you partner and your desire to see your partner overcome and become a success story of rehabilitation.

    Definitely very tough situation. But get away. Black eyes are only the beginning.

  2. He will do it again. Leave him before it’s too late.

    Now we can read all the comments from the people who think everything is all your fault.

    Mr. Bret Gillete? Anyone?

  3. you need to leave. he will do it again. it will get worse. and if you don’t leave, your chances of being murdered by him become increasingly high. don’t be fooled by the fact that he doesn’t “fit the mold” of what you think an abuser looks like. anyone who punches someone in the face and threatens to rape them – no matter what they say they are doing to change that – is not someone you want to entrust your life with – get out now.

  5. I am really, really trying not to go down the “blaming the victim” path, but I do wonder there’s a level on which you think his anger is kind of hot? That you enjoy the transgressiveness of being a modern, empowered woman flirting with abuse? For people who are turned on by the idea of consensual powerplay and BDSM, sometimes a nonconsensual kind of dynamic feels exciting. Until it just feels horrible and abusive. If this is the dynamic (and I’m totally projecting based on my experience, and that of others I’ve known), figure out how to explore these desires in a safe, sane, consensual way, rather than one that could see you raped, disabled, or dead.

  6. You know there are others out there with all the same good qualities who would never punch you or threaten you with rape out of anger.

    If you stay you may think things are fine until *snap* and then it’s too late. You see the signs, enough to write to The Stranger about it. So run away, don’t walk, don’t let yourself be tempted, just get out.

  8. Whether or not your partner is controlling in all other aspects of your life in irrelevant. He has tried and succeeded in making you feel fear and rightfully so. So it took a long time for him to show you his dark side, that’s another side to abusers, they often try to come off as perfect gentleman. Abusers don’t abuse at first or no one would stay with them for very long, that’s one way people become trapped these relationships, because they are already heavily invested in the relationship they’ve seen their good side and they want it back plus they are afraid.

    There is only one situation I can think of right now where someone should let the abuser stay(that’s right, don’t walk, make them leave with a restraining order), and thats if the abuser not only starts some kind of therapy but makes a full confession making no excuses for his behavior to his family and friends as well as yours, and enlists them to help you feel supported by them. Abuse is not just a problem between the couple, the courts, and their therapist, it is a community problem and people need to respond in a communal way to fucking stop it.

  12. The signs are there. Read you own writing, pretending you are reading writing from someone you would want to help. The answer is there.

  13. Oh jeezus. I’ve been there – and my abuser was my soulmate, best friend, comrade, and protector. Of course he was – if he abused me ALL the time, would I have stayed with him? No, so he was sweet and kind and remorseful and egalitarian – just like all abusers are. They have to be. They are addicted to the thrill of having a punching bag. It is the ultimate control freak mindfuck to get someone to trust you and love you and then brutalize them. Talk to other women who’ve been through it — I got help at a battered women’s support group in my town.

  14. Is there something heavy you can grab? A rock, a brick, a boom box? If so, smash it against his head until he retreats or loses consciousness. Or mace the fucker.

  18. That’s the way it was with my abuser too – trust me when I say that waiting for him to work out his issues is NOT going to end up well for you. I actually truly believe that my abuser wants to be better and may, in fact, someday be a perfectly safe and reasonable person to date – but holy shit is my life better since I left him.

    Don’t listen to all the shitbags who haven’t been in the situation you’re in. It’s hard to leave someone like that and you lose a lot of good things. But what you gain is more than worth it. Good luck.

  19. WOW! Sat’n, you totally called GilletteBret’s comment. You is some kinda psychic.

    I’m all for rehabilitation. But it doesn’t work if he has what he wants without repercussions. So, he gave you two black eyes. Get a restraining order, kick his ass out, and then after a year’s worth of serious work and therapy on his part (though you could use some too) re-evaluate his mental state. But after what he did to you, you must have distance. going thru the motions is bullshit… and that’s all he’s doing if you’re letting him stay. don’t be an enabler.

  20. “Relapse” is an interesting word, at its clear that not ALL domestic abusers are waiting in the shadows, plotting our demise.
    I suspect some are more like drunks or crackheads, overcome with the itch to use.
    And that can make it so tricky….
    How can the man who loves, honours and values you so much, get off on hurting and debasing you so much?
    I think I’m a bit like you, and I seem to have a partner a bit like that.
    The 2% is always lurking on the periphery.
    When stuff is good, I just take out my magic eraser and tell myself that the bad bit isn’t quite so real.
    But here is the deal (for me, anyway): As I have developed the courage to stand strong, I have found the ugliness so much less tolerable. Additionally, I have realized that I can only change myself, and not him.
    His ability or willingness to change is secondary.
    My self-worth and determination to live well, THAT is primary.
    Whether or not you think he’ll do it again is not relevant.
    Why you decide to stay, is.

    As for poor # 19, if you can identify him, SOMEONE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, give him some warm milk and a frontal lobotomy!
    The high blood pressure, loneliness, stress and addiction to internet porn, (not to mention the immense sadness) are surely killing him slowly.

  21. Dear Anon,

    Please, please run. The fact that he’s assuming “full responsibility” for his actions and being emotionally supportive? You have to recognize that’s part of the old textbook cycle of abuse. Trying to destroy your self-esteem or relationship with others, that’s just one tactic abusers use to control their partners. It’s far from the only tactic.

    I’m not saying he’ll always be an abuser, but it won’t stop until he’s really forced to own up to what he’s doing. And the only way he’ll do that is by losing you.

    You say that you don’t believe him when he says he won’t do it again. Even if he doesn’t, that kind of stress is not something you need to carry with you. Sometimes, you have to follow your head instead of your heart. End it now.

  23. You must get rid of him now. Leave. Just go. File a restraining order.

    That violent side of his will always be there. He may be able to restrain it most of the time, but it is never going away. It is part of who he is.

    Normal men do not have a desire to beat up women in the first place. It’s not a question of restraining or managing a desire to beat up women.

    As another commenter said, there are plenty of men who have all of the same positive qualities without the barely restrained desire to beat the shit out of someone.

  24. Ted Bundy didn’t seem the type either, did he?

    So now he’s broken you. You set boundaries, he’s pushed them, and you haven’t walked. What next? Probably escalation. Bet your empowered ass that next time will indeed come, and it won’t just be black eyes.

    Walk don’t run.

  29. @24 has it down pat: “The fact that he’s assuming “full responsibility” for his actions and being emotionally supportive? You have to recognize that’s part of the old textbook cycle of abuse. Trying to destroy your self-esteem or relationship with others, that’s just one tactic abusers use to control their partners. It’s far from the only tactic.”

    He is abusive, the good is to make you stay, and regardless of whether he wants to change, you can’t stay with him the way he is now. Break it off, and if you really, truly believe he is dedicated to changing and really, truly feel you need to help him on that journey, do it from a safe place–outside of a romantic relationship. Do not put yourself in a position of vulnerability where he could attack you again, and enlist friends or family in the situation, not just to help him, but also to watch for signs of emotional abuse or manipulation–because make no mistake, whether it’s intentional on his part or not, manipulation is what all that niceness and supportiveness and Being A Great Guy is.

    As several other people have said, read your letter objectively, and pretend it was sent by an acquaintance or stranger. What advice would you, as an empowered woman, give then?

  30. Wow, there are some really good comments on this one.

    And they’re right. There is no amount of emotional cheerleading that makes up for the fact that he GAVE YOU TWO BLACK EYES.

    MAYBE he can overcome his anger-management issues. MAYBE he can learn to control his temper. But maybe you deserve better than to serve as his punching bag until that day comes.

    But I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts that even after the NEXT time he hits her, she stays. Because he’s such a swell guy.

    We women are such morons…

  31. Once he’s abused you, it’s already poisoned the relationship. He may be capable of change, but if he abuses you at all and you stick around, he’s not going to be able to change with you. It’s already established in some part of his reaction machinery that he can hurt you, and you will stay.
    He may be intelligent, loving, and never, never *mean* to become an abusive person. But he’s made you live in fear, and you still live in fear, and now fear sets the tone in your relationship.
    Losing you is the natural consequence of what he’s done. Losing you AND facing criminal consequences, even. Natural consequences can bring about change in the willing.
    By staying, you’re removing the natural consequences, and you’re preventing yourself from having safety and peace – even of your own mind and emotions.
    Even feminists get battered. Even feminists get raped. Even people who believe in the equality of the sexes abuse their partner because when it comes down to it, it’s not about who’s “better”, but about who has the capability to control through fear.
    He wanted to win an argument, so he threatened to rape you.
    He is in control of his anger, don’t for a second buy the “I couldn’t help myself” bit if he tries it, or the “I have anger management issues” bit either. He controls his anger – and he uses it to control you and your responses to him.
    Maybe he can change. But he can’t change with you.

  32. You must leave.
    That’s all.
    I, too, work with victims of domestic violence and I’m horrified that the incident you describe apparently came out of a clear blue sky… I’m taking you at your word that the usual signs just were not there, that there were no red flags you ought to have heeded and that makes this assault *scarier* than one that could have been easily predicted.
    Whatever his pathology, you are not equipped to “fix” it, nor should you try.
    Your relationship will never again be blessed with that feeling of perfect safety, the firm belief that your partner will never willingly, knowingly bring you harm.
    You know now that he would willfully, deliberately cause you both physical and emotional pain and that knowlege will forever colour your view of him…. and if you stay with him, he will always know that he can get away with it.

  33. Jesus. Seconding practically everybody here… GET OUT. Get out now before he hits you again – and he will, now that he’s seen you’ll sit still for it and stay after he does. You say you’ve worked with rape survivors – don’t you think you should get the fuck out of this relationship before you actually become one of them?

  36. Many abusive men are “great guys” when they’re not busy hitting you. There are other men out there who can meet your needs with giving you black eyes. You know what you need to do. just do it. Leave before it’s too late.

  37. He will do it again. He will wait until he’s regained your trust, and part of you doesn’t believe it happened before. Then he will do it again.

    Get out. Be strong.

  38. OMG! You think your relationship is so special? It’s the same as every other abusive relationship. You all focus on the good and rewrite history and make excuses. They all say they’re so sorry just to repeat the behavior later. Once in a blue moon anger management will work but obviously it isn’t working for him. Just leave him already.

  39. You’re a pathetic enabler who will suffer the consequences because you’re too weak or stupid to get out while you can. Or too smart; your writing makes it sound like you’ve overintellectualized this and seem weirdly proud of it.

    “I was gonna leave the guy who beats me, but I’m so smart I talked myself out of it!”

    Get a clue, idiot.

  40. This is really reminiscent of a girl I was friends w/ in high school. I really liked her, and made it clear I would have been very happy to date her. She had several boyfriends like this, and said almost exactly the same things about them (in more high-school sorts of language).

    It made me feel pretty undesirable, knowing that she would rather get smacked around, raped and treated like garbage than date me. I think a lot of guys can relate to this.

    She married one of them, had a couple kids, weighs 300 pounds, and represents the largest metaphorical bullet I ever dodged.

  41. Get out of this relationship. It has no future. What if you get pregnant to this man? He will treat your child the way he treats you.
    Two black eyes is very serious. Get out before he damages you permanently.

  43. People who know they are batterers are the most expert at manipulating their behavior to appear normal – even supranormal! In their hearts they really WANT to be good partners, and certainly don’t want to be alone. But something will eventually happen, a minor argument, say, and the batterer will lose his/her self-control and the cycle will begin all over again: the fists striking your face, the kicks to your legs your stomach and back, the vicious verbal abuse; then contrition, apology and promises. (And YES, women can be batterers too!) There’s no easy escape… I can tell you from personal experience. He WILL hit you again, and again, and again. I guarantee it.

  44. People can change, if they are committed to solving the problem, work hard at it, get help, and have a good plan. My husband and I had trouble with fights that got physical when we first started dating (6 years ago). It was unclear who was the instigator. We were both committed to solving the problem, though, and both took responsibility for our actions. It took a lot of hard work over several years, but these days we no longer have problems with fights getting physical. Our fights are also less nasty generally, and we fight less than we used to. The hard work and the patience was completely worth it. We are very happy together, and marrying him was the best decision of my life!

    The things that worked for us were Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and couples therapy. I would completely recommend either. If you try couples therapy, find a couples therapist who you are both comfortable with and whose emphasis is on working on solving the dynamic between you, rather than fixing a particular person. DBT would be for him only and helps with impulse control (greatly!). I tried that for impulse control issues of my own and it DEFINITELY made a difference.

    I want to caution you that it would be unrealistic to expect him never to hit you again, even if he works hard on it– these things take time. They get less frequent over time, but not uniformly so. They get better for a while, then worse again, then better again, and so on, but the overall trend is progress. Decide whether or not you can live with that, because it will only bring you unnecessary hurt to expect him to change more quickly than is possible and it would also be unfair to him. He can probably promise that it will be rare and that it will more-or-less get better with time, but he probably can’t promise never. He should, of course, agree that hitting you is always wrong, and that if he ever does mess up he owes you one enormous apology and you have a right to be upset with him and uncomfortable with him for a while afterward.

    One final thought: the fights my husband and I had were sometimes physical, but never involved real injury. Actually, your situation is slightly worse in this respect because neither of us ever got a black eye. But black eyes, as injuries go, are not serious injuries. They are only serious symbolically. (And in that way, they are a big deal! I am not minimizing that!) If you believe your partner might escalate to giving you serious injuries, you should not even consider staying in the relationship and trying to make it work. In that case, get out now! Another reason to get out now would be if you are living your life in constant fear, whether or not you believe it is justified. Don’t put yourself in those positions. You deserve better than that!

  46. I DO NOT beleive that he will never do it again. And he doesn’t deserve the chance. If he gets his head on straight, there will still be women in the world. Let him have his second (third? fourth? fifth?) chance with them.
    You, run for your life.

  48. This is the most sensible and loving I Anonymous comments thread ever. Please listen to these people. Best friends do not hit you. Ever.

  49. I absolutely cannot muster up any sympathy for you. How lacking in self-awareness does one have to be to identify as “an empowered woman” and oh, by the way, you can’t even imagine leaving a convicted wife-beater who gave you 2 black eyes and threatened rape?

    Please don’t do any more work with rape and domestic violence survivors. They deserve better than you.

  50. No one is worth that. No matter how good the things are when he’s not abusive, they’re not good enough to make up the difference for an abusive piece of shit ruining your life.

    I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, but I did have a close female friend who was abusive. We were friends for 17 years, so breaking off our friendship was like a divorce. It was a huge loss for me. She stole from me to buy drugs and then convinced me that I was the one with the problem- not her. She killed two animals that I know of- the first time she told me about it, I didn’t believe her. The second time I was in denial, not understanding that the warning signs were clearly there. It took a year of being her roommate and taking shit from her before I finally said fuck you I’m done.

    I’ve been in therapy and it’s taken a lot of work to understand that I didn’t do anything wrong. For awhile, I felt like I should have seen it coming, because she was always a bit of a troublemaker. I blamed myself when I should have blamed her. Abusers can be extremely manipulative and they prey on your vulnerabilities. They do everything in their power to make you think that all of their problems are somehow your fault. My former “friend” had serious addiction and mental health problems that had nothing to do with anything about me personally. This man has serious problems of his own and nothing you do or say will fix whatever is broken in his warped psyche. It’s him, not you.

    Leave this piece of shit in your past where he belongs. Walk away and don’t look back. You are so much better off without him. It hurts at first to lose someone you love, but what you find on the other side is that you are so much better without an abusive, hateful person in your life. You will lose him, but find the parts of yourself you gave up in order to be with this loser. Don’t make any excuses for him- Lot’s of people make it out of bad situations without growing up to become monsters. He alone is responsible for what he is doing to you. No one else made him who he is- not his friends, not his family, and most certainly not you. All you did was try to love him and he repaid that with violence.

    Be careful when you leave him, because there are too many horror stories out there. An abusive partner is not likely to respond well to what he perceives as being abandoned. I’m sure you know from your professional life that leaving him won’t be easy.

    As someone who has worked in the mental health field, I know personally that it is doubly painful to realize that you are the one who needs help. Not only are you worried about your personal life, but you are worried that you could be perceived as less fit to do your work. Don’t worry about your professional credibility, your safety and health are worth a lot more. Get help anonymously if you are worried that you could lose your job.

    Find whatever resources you can and get the help that you need, especially because of the work that you do. Tell yourself what you would tell a client- you wouldn’t tell a client that it was her fault or that she should have known better. No man is worth your self esteem, professional credibility and mental health. You know what you have to do, so just do it. Just leave.

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