My mother died on March 27, 2010, in a car accident. She crossed the centerline and ran into a truck coming the other direction. It’s Mother’s Day weekend. I’m supposed to be grief-stricken. I’m just relieved.
My mom had me when she was 17. She always told me that having kids wrecked her life. (I’m the first of three kids.) When my youngest brother went to college, she announced that she was retiring from parenthood. She always drank heavily and used drugs. She encouraged me to drink and use with her when I turned 12. She gave me pot when I was 13 and heroin when I was 14. She let a friend of hers sexually abuse me when I was 11. When I told her that he was doing it, she beat the crap out of me for “trying to ruin a good man.” She then sent me to spend the night with him and his wife (no kids my age) to prove to my dad that nothing was wrong. I knew better than to complain when he stuck his hand in my vagina and touched my breasts. She would have beaten the crap out of me again. When I tried to commit suicide via overdose when I was 14, she didn’t even notice. She was in bed with a hangover. Three days later, my uncle noticed that I “looked sick.”
When I quit drinking and went to AA, I cried for weeks because I knew that if I got straight, I would never have a good relationship with my mother. I quit anyway. She hated my sobriety. She hated my new life. She hated my husband. She hated it when I chose to be a mother. She hated my career. Every single choice I made she took as an indictment of the choices she made. She was probably right. My choices were probably a criticism of her choices.
She’s dead. All I can think is, “Thank God.” 
Congratulations on breaking the cycle – I’ll bet you’re a great mom
You have to admit, if nothing else, it was thoughtful of her to bite it on Mother’s Day. Now, at long last, you will have a real reason to celebrate that day.
(I am so not being sarcastic).
Congratulations, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing that stops the worst women from becoming mothers right along with the best.
i think howard zinn said ‘family is the most elaborate prison devised by man’ but i could be wrong. but hey, you’re free! woot!
sounds like she needed a lot of help. maybe you could have got help for her
Good I, Anon.
Jeez, he stuck his hand in your vajayjay? Child-fisting is far from acceptable.
@4 Your suggestion is complete and utter horseshit. All my experiences with friends who got on the run away drug train were you can’t help them; they have to help themselves. That usually involves them hitting rock bottom. Then, if they’re still alive then they get help.
Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table. – W.H. Auden
I am glad you are free of her.
Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table. -W.H. Auden
I am glad you are free of her.
Hey! Hans Millionaire! Yes, I’m talking to you. Was she supposed to find time between healing from traumatic sexual abuse and when she decided to saver HERSELF by joining AA and reclaiming the life, her own life, that her mother never even valued in the first place? Was she supposed to forgo any measurement of happiness so that her mother, who clearly had absolutely no desire to help herself, could have one more person buffering her from the hard work she had to make herself better?
You, dear Hans, are what people refer to as a troll. And having grown up with a mother who was a heroin addict and who later died of it, I can tell you that you’re meekish attempt at a seemingly innocent observation is cruel and stupid attempt at real conversation. She had a man SHOVE his hands in to her vagina when she was 11. Give her a fucking break.
Just FYI “DF”, March 27th isn’t Mother’s Day.
all i’m sayin, she could have called the cops, a counselor, or child protective services at any time… saying thank god your mom died is cold hearted
actually, hans, relief upon the death of someone close is pretty common; telling an 11 year old abuse victim to call the cops is fucking insane. grow up.
I don’t think her saying “thank God mom is dead” is cold hearted. It’s pretty obvious that she was abused in more than one way by her mother. And at the age of 11, how do you know who you can trust when you can’t even trust the woman that brought you into the world?
Hans, I’m happy for you that you are so far detached from the reality some children experience at the hands of their own parents. When you are aware, as I was and, it seems IA also may have been, that the one person you most expect to protect you in this world – your own mother – is throwing you to the dogs, it give you practically no faith at all in any outside support. If my MOTHER can’t or won’t protect me, why would anyone else. And we learn to rely on our survival instincts alone. Not always successfully, but we certainly can’t be expected to get our crap mother(s) any help they don’t want or deserve before helping ourselves.
Good for you for knowing none of this.
see,anon,there is a god!
see,anon,there is a god!
Congrats, Anon. I hope you never feel guilty for the peace you’ve found. Honey, you’ve earned it.
go on ahead, assume i know nothing about abuse or drug addiction or messed up families… still, i say never give up on your family or friends, never wish death upon anyone
@19
At 12, I had saved my mother from suicide 4 times, driven her to the hospital for overdose, cooked, cleaned, and took care of her 24/7, and regularly called social workers asking for help.
Their response? “If she’s not beating you, you’re better off where you are.”
I had three friends die in foster care–one from lack of medical treatment for CF, one from drug overdose, one from suicide after she’d been raped by her foster dad.
Getting “help” is a laugh. Don’t talk about what you don’t know about, and DON’T patronize IA for this much-deserved sigh of relief.
yikes, time for another diversion….
anybody listen to that new hold steady record yet? preeeeetttttyyy goooooooood. yup.
gonna pop that sucker in right now, and forget i read this crap.
baaaaa baaaa da da baaa da da da……..
By the Way, MARCH 27TH IS NOWHERE NEAR MOTHERS DAY!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……fake?
By The Way, MARCH 27TH IS NOWHERE NEAR MOTHER’S DAY!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……fake?
@22 Not necessarily. She could have submitted it around Mothers Day and they’ve only just gotten around to printing it.
Getting back on topic, I don’t think feeling relief at the death of someone who treated you worse than dirt and let others do the same is anything to feel guilty about, even if she was your mother. Good for you for breaking the cycle.
She wrote the I ANON on Mother’s Day weekend. Her mother died on the 27th. She isn’t saying Mother’s Day was the 27th.
Many MANY choices are a criticism of their parents’ choices. I know mine are. That doesn’t necessarily mean the choices on either end are always good vs bad.
That said, by being sober and by forming caring relationships, you are opening a whole new world to your child(ren) and giving them the best you are able. That’s a HUGE part of good parenting. More power to you.
Good on you, Anon. I worked in Child Protection for a while, and one of the worst things was hearing about the thoughts and lives of children trapped in circumstances like this, because they accepted it as normal in so many ways and carried so much on themselves. You accomplished something amazing by escaping from that hell–especially conquering your own drug and alcohol abuse–and by providing a safe and loving home for your own children. Kudos, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for being happy she’s gone. Just keep living your life on your own terms, the way you are now, and congratulations.
Dear Anon writer,
Life dealt you a sh*tty hand when you were born and it totally sucks. How horrible. I hope you can find peace and that you are able to have the fortune of healthy relationships the rest of your days.
Hans, you have no clue what you are talking about. Kids growing up in abusive homes accept the abuse and neglect as normal. Although this may not apply to the Anon, abused kids sometimes are even told “I only hit you because I love you.” And if they are afraid of, and can’t trust their parents, how likely are they to trust strangers? I think most abused kids have at least a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome, especially if their parents display any positive emotions toward their kids in between bouts of abuse.
I, Anon – I’m so glad you broke the cycle of abuse. Many of us do have to think about what mom or dad would do and then do the opposite to avoid their mistakes! Not every parent is a good parent, sadly.
Congratulations, Anon, you are finally free! You are not alone. I sometimes worry that when my mother dies, my primary emotion will be an overwhelming sense of relief, and my experience pales in comparison, but she still manages to make my life miserable. I guess it’s time to stop letting her do that.
Is it too late to say, “Let’s have a hand for Anon’s mother dying!”
Congratulations on your survival of a hideous upbringing and remarkable resiliance.
I hope your husband is wonderful, your children marvelous and your career thriving and fulfilling and now that she’s gone the way of all flesh, I hope that you can, perhaps with the help of a therapist, manage to leave behind you the toxic waste dump she created in your one and only precious life.
All my very best wishes to you and yours.
While I never suffered that kind of abuse, I can relate. My life has been on a consistent upward trend since my father bit it. My only regret is not cutting off contact with him much earlier.
My dad died April 9th big sigh of relief for my sister and me. I’m not glad he’s dead, just glad I don’t have to fear the hatred and abuse he bestowed on us. Just saying…
Keep coming back. I know how you feel. AA 2.4 years, happy joyous and free.
i hate it when i post something stupid. especially twice. ugh.
It’s hard hating your parents. Not only is there all the bullshit of being at war with people who are supposed to be supporting you, but most other people have no fucking idea what it’s like; when you say your mom died and it’s the best news you’ve gotten all week, they just get uncomfortable and judge you — even if they say they aren’t judging you. Having had that experience with my dad’s death many years ago, I just want to say, I Anon, that some parents have it fucking coming, and admitting to yourself that your mom deserved your antipathy and that you’re glad she’s dead is a morally correct and healthy thing to do, and you should keep doing it until it all just fades into the background. Your mother is something you survived, like a mugging, and you don’t owe her a fucking thing. Past that, your only duty is the one she utterly failed to fulfill: taking care of you.
And just as a tip: go ahead and have her buried someplace, with a grave marker of some kind. My dad was cremated and his ashes were scattered in the ocean, and one of my only regrets after he was gone was that he didn’t have a grave I could piss on, as the urge would come upon me from time to time.
now that the hug fest is over , congrats on your moms death. i am sure she’s proud of the spiteful , whiney person you’ve become. so what if your a mother , anyone with a vagina can do that. what do you want a medal? suggestion :place a toilet on your moms grave so you can squat to pee more comfortably, don’t forget to wipe!
I hate your mother. I’m glad she’s dead. The only thing her existence left as a mark is you. And look at yourself, you are amazing. I wish I could believe in religion and be comforted by the idea of her roasting in hell. Every good thing you do leeches her power. I want you to come to a point where she has none anymore, then she will truly be washed away like dirt.
Hey, speaking of dead mothers! How’s yours, GilleteBeck, you worthless shit-guzzling drunk!
@ the people commenting on March 27th not being Mother’s Day- She isn’t saying that that’s mother’s day, she’s saying her mom died on that date and that she is writing this I, anon piece on mother’s day weekend as she thinks about her.
Anon is not sad because she grieved her mother long ago, when she finally realized that her mother would never change and that she was never going to get the love and support she needed from mother. Resenting a child’s happiness because it contrasts with the parent’s failings is truly selfish and small.
@19 – hans,
ever heard of interventions? that’s what they do when the family is ready to give up on the user/abuser. if they don’t want the help then they’re on their own.
it would be nice not to give up on the mom, but only if there was even a chance of saving her. from the sound of it the chances were nil.
and i wish you were dead, hans
Good for you. I have been clean and sober for 20 years. I never could have “saved” either of my parents. They were drunks, and were beyond salvaging. I don’t have to live that life. I always say we make our own families, if the ones we are born into are not good. I have no regrets. My many wonderful friends are my family.
@ the people commenting on the people commenting on march 27th not being mothers day.
the people commenting on march 27th not being mothers day are responding to #2, not to IA.
First of all: eff you, Hans.
Dear IA: I am so happy you feel relief. I won’t go into detail but I had a similar upbringing to yours, and the best thing my mother ever did for me was to provide an example of how NOT to live my life.
And @44: My friends are my family, too. I couldn’t have chosen a better bunch!
This is the kind of I anon that we keep reading for.
I anon, I’m happy you’re going forward and helping yourself when your mother wouldn’t, and being strong and positive, (and clearly resilient) and building a life for yourself out of the inadequate, and damaging childhood that your mother subjected you to.
The old empty cliches that society imposes on us that all mothers love us and we should love them, and that death is always a tragedy… bullshit. who decided that those blanket statements were true and always true. Getting pregnant and giving birth to another human being doesn’t make a person instantly good or worthy of the love of their children. A lot of people don’t want to hear the ugly truth that not all mothers are good, and that the death of a mother isn’t always something worthy of grief and mourning. mourn the horrid life she lived, and mourn what she put you through instead.
I know why you had to put this on I anon instead of just saying it freely to the world. People don’t know how to respond to the ugly truth you just wrote. wishing you strength and happiness and a positive new life that you’ll build for yourself. And if it’s not too much to say this…. may you be happy.
Hey, I’m glad she’s dead, too! Happy Mother’s day, muthas.
I swear, somebody at the Stranger just wrote this based on the movie “Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire”. They did it because they watched the DVD and realized Mother’s Day was coming up…
I understand where you’re coming from to a certain degree. While my life was not nearly as bad as yours, my mother never supported and gave me unconditional love. She disowned me for 8 years because I’m gay and she was a right-wing fundamentalist christian. She died in mid-February of this year and I don’t find that I miss her much. It constantly broke my heart that she would never accept me and my partner. I was very loyal to her until the end, even helping her out financially for the last 6 years of her life. I can’t tell you all of the birthdays and mother’s days that I labored over what card to get her…none of them fit…
I’m so sorry for the pain and suffering your mother inflicted on you. I wish you the best in this life and good for you for persevering.