Credit: Steven Weissman

Why the fuck am I buying you a wedding present? You’re in your mid-30s—if you don’t have a blender or a throw rug or a set of 12 porcelain teacups, that is not my problem. In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other, it made sense to help them start out their lives with a free roster of kitchen essentials, bedroom basics, and dining flatware. But you have two incomes and stable careers, and even purchased your own home! And now some single, unrequited, whiny bitch like me has to go online and be the asshole who buys you a paper shredder due to my reluctance to give in to your Christmas list? I suppose so. But before I do, don’t think I haven’t bemoaned this outdated tradition directly to soon-to-be-married fiancées. I lean over with my drink in hand and begin, “I just can’t believe what weddings have turned into! All these traditions we have to endure, right? And just imagine, I’m supposed to buy people with two cars and a couple of master’s degrees between them an Iittala vase!” They nod, they agree, and invariably they send me a wedding invite with a list of registry demands.

I’m happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals. But do I need to buy you shit you don’t need and I likely can’t afford? (Don’t tell me it’s quid pro quo because you’re giving me free drinks and food at the reception. I earned that when I went to the wedding shower, with ANOTHER GODDAMNED GIFT IN HAND!)

127 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. For a gift, make a donation, in their name, to a group YOU like!
    They get the newsletter, you get over the headache!
    End of tedious story.

  4. Most people put a registry on their invites so that people will know where to look for gifts (if they are buying any). In fact, the parents of the bride can sometimes insist on having it on there, or telling people about it.

    I am sure the bride and groom don’t expect a gift from you, and would not be terribly hurt if you don’t get them one. Sheesh.

  6. @87 – who gives birthday presents anymore? Aren’t we adults? All I want for a birthday gift is a drink. My family doesn’t even buy christmas gifts for each other anymore. We do a white elephant booze exchange, and thats it. We work hard for our money & know what we would like the best, so why not spend it on ourselves rather than buying random shit for people that thy may or may not actually use?

  7. Reasonable people do not expect gifts, but some guests (especially older relatives) will want to buy them, and a registry is a nice way to help them select something.

    I’m one of those yuppie scumbags that got married mid-30’s and still had a registry. My husband and I had been subsisting on Ikea (in his case) and donated (in mine) plates, etc. We registered for nicer dishes, but certainly didn’t expect them.

    We also put several items on our registry that were in the range of $1-$10 (prep cups, bbq tongs, etc). So someone who wanted to give a gift, but didn’t have much money to spare, could still find something. We would have been honored if someone had donated to charity in our names.

    Other than my mom, no one who gave a gift at the shower gave another at the wedding. My “bachelorette” party was wine with the girls – definitely a no-gift occasion.

    In summary: Anon is overblowing the fuck out of this situation. The shower gift (or none at all) is perfectly fine. However, if the couple included registry info on their invite, or failed to write thank you notes after the shower, they’re committing major etiquette fail. If they’re the type to complain if you don’t give a gift at the wedding, they’re assholes and you’re well rid of them.

  8. Whiny or not, I agree with Anon. Especially where established 30-somethings are concerned, it IS unnecessary. It’s an outdated tradition that probably stems from the notion of a dowry from ancient times when a father had to give the groom some hefty financial help when the “burden” of caring for the woman shifted from Dad to Hubby.

    That’s usually not the case today, and I agree the gift registry is a tradition that should die an untimely death. As should most of the “Wedding Industry.” Exactly what is the point of spending $6,000 (or more) on a dress that’ll be worn for a few hours?

    Weddings today are (often? usually?) over-the-top coronations rather than what they should be: “celebrations of the union of two loving individuals,” as Anon eloquently put it. And what about the ridiculous price-tags? It’s not uncommon for a wedding to cost six figures, which would be a great down payment on a house in most parts of the country.

  9. @ladysafety

    thats the only thing in my life that ever made a wedding sound remotely appealing in any way.

    I am said future groom.

  10. Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s NOT quid pro quo. It can’t be quid pro quo. You won’t spend fucking anywhere NEAR what we’re spending on you, our bitchy, whiny, entitled, self-absorbed “friend”. And if you’re thinking we’re expecting YOU to give us something as part of your ticket price, you’re the one with your priorities backwards.

    Yep, I’m your thirty-something who’s getting married this year. We’re spending (yes, WE) are spending a fair amount of change to throw a party that we could, if we so chose, essentially not throw at all. We needed a place to throw it, wanted to feed people, wanted to give people good wine and cocktails, and wanted it to be a night to remember. The total for that evening’s tab, were you to do it yourself for the eight hours of experience comes to around $175 a head. Ish. Yeah, we could probably pare that down, but you know what? We live in Seattle and the cheapest place we can rent for that timeframe indoors is still at or around $10,000 for an evening. But we’re choosing to do that as OUR gift both to each other and our family and friends who are coming to be with us on that day.

    So, you know. Shut up. And stuff.

    Do you bitch and moan that OH MY GOD, THOSE YUPPIE BASTARD MOOCHERS don’t need more of your hard-earned dollars when you take presents for birthdays? (I’m guessing no, but who knows? Maybe you really are just that cheap. Your nieces, nephews, and assorted other children must think you’re something special, huh?)

    I’ll admit, if you’re flying in or crashing at a hotel, that’s some dollars out to you, and for those people whom we’ve asked to be in the wedding party, it’s an added expense for their clothing and some of the stuff we’re doing.

    So do forgive me for putting up a wish list for my parents, grandparents, friends and family who do want to give us something, even though, as I’ve said to them all, “At this point in our lives we’re not looking for MORE stuff, so we put the fun stuff on the website registry. We don’t need more “stuff”. We’re not expecting any other gift than people’s attendance at our wedding, and it’s an option if you DO want to give us a gift, here’s some of the stuff we do like (and will replace with your really nice gift we’ll remember and enjoy) but ONLY if you feel like it. We know budgets are tight; your presence is gift enough.”

    See, we wanted our wedding (which is our first, for both of us, in our mid-thirties) to be what one would call “special”. I realize that with the high rates of divorce, odds are good your friends ain’t gonna make it till the first two kids hit high school, but then again, we went a different route. We could have told all of our friends and family to just…show up somewhere, told them to bring potluck, or skip it all and go to Vegas.

    Or we could choose to treat everyone to a really good dinner, a good evening of dancing and drinking, and get good memories. And if people give us gifts, we’ll thank them for their generosity. If they don’t, we’ll thank them for coming.

    That was me being nice.

    This, dear I,A, is me being not nice.

    Funny thing is, I find it more telling that you’re reading a wedding registry as “We need this from you to justify your attendance.” So that speaks a great deal to YOUR materialistic yuppie bastardism than your friends’. You’re the person who brings a bottle of wine to the party and a bottle of hard alcohol, then takes them home with the undrunk portion at the end of the night. You’re the person who’ll wear a dress to a special occasion, then return it, saying it didn’t look right when you got it home.

    In a word, you’re a cheap bastard, and you’re projecting your cheap bastard issues on us.

    You don’t want to admit that you’re that fucking cheap and don’t like your friends enough to give them a gift, but you’re more than willing to freeload a chance to go out, drink, dance, and maybe give some head in the hallway when you think nobody’s looking on that hot groomsman/woman/llama.

    You don’t “owe” the bride and groom anything. You don’t have to bring a gift. In point of fact, if you’re one of my so-called friends, I’d actually prefer you to “gift” me with your absence on my wedding day. I’d rather you, and your affectations of class struggle and singlehood stay the fuck away from us on our wedding day. I’m gettin’ married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and I’m dead-on happy and grateful for this chance in my life. I thought you might want to come be a part of that day with us. Apparently not, because your inner Marxist has decided to unfurl its flag from your socialistically vagjazzled cooch and march around proudly proclaiming its independence from capitalistic gifting. It’s sad, because up until now, I’d thought our friendship meant more to you than some cheap chotchke we’ll probably donate to Goodwill, knowing you and what you wind up buying anyway.

    Guess not.

    Surprisingly, we did not build this entire day, plan for eight months, hire a band, get the space, the caterers, select all the wine for the courses, get an amazing wedding dress and a very good lookin’ tuxedo, plan the menu, order the cake, and get the limo all fired up and ready to rock, plus put the honeymoon together because we thought we really needed that new set of Crate and Barrel dishes.

    We did it because we’re deeply in love and we wanted to give our friends and family a kick-ass party to help us celebrate the finding of that love.

    So, thanks, but stay home and be Bitter Single Person; we’d rather we didn’t have any of those around when we decide to get married. If you decide that our friendship really doesn’t mean anything to you, and you’re so tit for tat that you think our having a wedding registry means we EXPECT you to give us things, you’re probably not our friend anyway, and we more or less invited you because it was expected of us. Sounds like you’re more of the person in our circle of friends who always says something awkward that makes everyone need to refresh their drink at the bar or use the bathroom anyway, and we would have probably needed to stick you in the back at the Leftover Awkward People table between the cousin I haven’t seen in eight years and that one college friend she knew and felt obligated to invite.

    Besides, the wine we’ve been collecting to serve was made from some pretty sour grapes. You might not like it. It’s not really for your kind of palate.

  11. When I got married I had a registry of what we needed : baby furnitures because I gave birth 2 months before the ceremony (no baby showers in my country). And we asked for small contributions to items. I had everything I needed in time for the birth, from the younger guests.

    But the elder guests were not happy about it. They wanted to buy unnecessary stuff like silverware or porcelain plates… because it’s tradition. Huh.

  13. You know, I can actually see merit in the idea that gifts should become less associated with weddings, and that weddings in general should be less materialistic. The problem, and the reason I had a registry when I got married? Is people *want* to buy you gifts. They *expect* to. Especially your older relatives, your family friends, your mom’s book club. But those people don’t always know you very well. And left to their own devices, they’ll buy you crap you don’t need, don’t want, and can’t use — which feels like an even bigger, consumeristic waste of resources than if at least they’d bought you something you’d use, right?

    So we made a registry. Prominent on that registry — the first item in fact — was a request for donations to two charities we supported: one for gay rights, since that helped us straight people feel a little less icky about getting married when many of our best gay friends can’t yet; and the other for an incredible homeless service organization in our home city. The other stuff on the registry ranged from cheap-but-useful items through schmancy china that we only honestly expected our older relatives to go for.

    You know what didn’t bother me at all? When our friends didn’t give us gifts. You know what was awesome? When some of our friends wrote great cards about our friendship, or gave us delightful mix cds of gorgeous, obscure love songs, or hand-drawn art, or cute vintage kitchen items. You know what the only thing was that bummed me out? When some people ignored our request to donate to charity, and chose to buy us clearly expensive, luxury-style items that we’d never use. Though I guess donating those to Goodwill counts as charity of a sort…

    In short, if you don’t know these people well enough and care about them enough to (a) write a nice card or give a low-cost, but personal gift or (b) cough up some dough for a moderate gift off the registry or a charitable donation, then why are you going to their wedding (and why did they invite you?) in the first place?

  16. @112, you confirm that it’s those about to be or recently married who are so enraged by IAnon. (“Stop saying this! I haven’t got MY loot yet!”)? No matter how you spin it, it’s still an “All about me [bride], but deluding myself that it’s something to do with you [guest]” scenario. Spend as much as you like–your party won’t be any more meaningful or memorable for your guests. I don’t mean to be cruel but these parties all fade together.

  18. I’m with 115. I’m gonna go registry when I walk down the aisle.
    One – we don’t live together and we won’t until after we are married, so we don’t necessarily have all the things we may need.
    Two – we are both pretty bare bones right now, but when we have our one home, I expect that we will have to do alot of entertaining, as is custom for our families, so we will likely need non-ikea dishes and stuff.
    Three (and my major point of contention) – oftentimes, those people you have to invite – extended family, people who knew your parents when you were 5 but you haven’t seen in ten years but it would insult your mom if you skipped them – give you idiotic crap that you never use or couldn’t possibly every use. Cheap clothing from some store NOT in North America so you can’t return it, costume jewellery from their dead grandmother, a set of neon throwpillows. Trust me, as the youngest in my family, I have seen ALOT of shitty gifts being given to my sibs @ weddings…all because they never thought to have a registry.
    People aren’t obligated to buy us anything, I’d rather just have a big old party where everyone truly puts in effort to making it a fun night. But if you are going to spend money, please don’t buy us something we will bury in a box in the basement because we’d feel guilty giving something that ugly to the Sally Ann.

  22. And if I was a cunty rich yuppie couple with a double income and a house, presumably in the fucking Seattle area, I would ask that all wedding gifts be either donations to NPR KUOW or to a deserving charity or the ACLU or whoever Dino Rossi is running against…

  23. good comments, lame rant! … I would WANT to give friends a gift on a wedding day & am not a bloody psychic … hi, here’s toaster #12 … much better to give something they actually want? … also, weddings ain’t cheap ~ well they can/should be, but usually not … and really does I suppose depend on whether you really like the people & want to celebrate something or are just bitter that you have to be there & hope they have a nasty divorce in like 2 years … love is good

  24. I am really surprised how people feel about this. For me, personally, I hate formal events. I love my family and friends but when I get married, it will be a true celebration. Come dressed however you want, bring whatever you want or nothing. It really doesn’t matter. When I go to a wedding, I always bring a gift. Not because I am obligated to but instead because I want to. I am a broke 21 year old who struggles to pay my rent even. And I work very hard for my money. So, easy solution? Stock up. Every time I see wine and cards on sale and I have some extra cash, I buy them and put them in my “gift closet”. It’s convenient and cheap. There’s something for everyone in there- toys for the kids in my life, toys for adults 😉 and formal gifts also.

  25. Concert or show tix. As long as they’re to a good show they’re appreciated whatever the cost – plus it’s nice to get a present that’s redeemed a few months down the road after the glow of the initial flood of gifts has faded.

  26. On the other side, I decided not to have a registry and try to discourage guests from buying us anything, and we were barraged with “where are you registered… we want to buy you a present!”… to which we finally caved in and created a registry.

    I think the problem here is that the couple shouldn’t have invited you, because you obviously aren’t close enough with them to be part of this joyous occasion, or you would have just gotten them a card and enjoyed yourself at their special day instead of being a spiteful, whining bitch. Registry does not equal mandatory presents. It’s to help people who want to buy, but don’t know what to get.

  27. Personally, I think that instead of wedding gifts donations should be made to a trust fund set up to defray the most expensive part of most weddings: the divorce.

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