Why the fuck am I buying you a wedding present? You’re in your mid-30s—if you don’t have a blender or a throw rug or a set of 12 porcelain teacups, that is not my problem. In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other, it made sense to help them start out their lives with a free roster of kitchen essentials, bedroom basics, and dining flatware. But you have two incomes and stable careers, and even purchased your own home! And now some single, unrequited, whiny bitch like me has to go online and be the asshole who buys you a paper shredder due to my reluctance to give in to your Christmas list? I suppose so. But before I do, don’t think I haven’t bemoaned this outdated tradition directly to soon-to-be-married fiancées. I lean over with my drink in hand and begin, “I just can’t believe what weddings have turned into! All these traditions we have to endure, right? And just imagine, I’m supposed to buy people with two cars and a couple of master’s degrees between them an Iittala vase!” They nod, they agree, and invariably they send me a wedding invite with a list of registry demands.
I’m happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals. But do I need to buy you shit you don’t need and I likely can’t afford? (Don’t tell me it’s quid pro quo because you’re giving me free drinks and food at the reception. I earned that when I went to the wedding shower, with ANOTHER GODDAMNED GIFT IN HAND!)
The only time it’s required to bring a gift is a shower. Wedding gifts are not mandatory. Wedding registries are for ideas only and for convenience so whatever you get them is already in their taste. And so they don’t get double the same stuff. If you don’t want to give a gift for the wedding, don’t. Your shower gift should be enough. But please for the love of god grow some perspective and understand that some people want to give gifts, the the registry is easiest for them. It is not a personal affront to you.
Cash/check, ’nuff said! Your friends are inviting you to join them in celebration of their love and devotion to each other (while paying for the venue, dj, dresses/tuxedos, food, drinks, etc… EVERYTHING!) and all the while you are whining and bitching about the logistics of gifts for said ceremony. You are a shitty friend and it’s no wonder you are all alone.
Oh get over it! They’re getting married and you’re single because you whine and whine and whine. Don’t buy them a gift, chances are they probably won’t notice you didn’t anyways. Chances are they didn’t expect you to come.
When my husband and I got married, we were doing pretty well and already had a nice, well-appointed house. We decided that we would have a fun wedding for our friends and family and if guests wanted to contribute gifts to celebrate our union, they could contribute to some charities we favored. We listed a few pet charities, like a pro-gay-marriage charity (I forget which, sorry) because his brother was gay, and Dressed-for-Success because I had a special affection for that charity, and some more mainstream charities that anybody could get behind. It turns out we raised thousands of dollars and everyone really liked it. It seemed like the guests were less resentful and more generous than they would have been had we asked for gifts for ourselves.
Again, You do not have to 1) Go to the wedding, 2) Buy them a gift from their registry, or 3) Buy them a gift at all. You are the one who is putting all of this pressure on yourself. Unless they expressly said that you MUST give them a gift, then cut them some slack. The reason that invites have cards with where they are registered at is because a lot of their other guests actually want to know that information and are actually grateful that their is a registry to choose something from. No one wants you to spend money on a gift that you can’t afford and that you feel like you HAVE to give as opposed to wanting to give. Because then is it not a gift so much as an obligation.
Judas!
Please just send your regrets that you’ll be unable to attend if you’re this angry about the prospect of giving a present to people who you, presumably, like and wish well. It’s unkind (and bad for your own blood pressure) to be this concerned about what people already own and what you perceive them to need or not need.
BUT, it appears that the couple also put their foot in a bucket:
Registry information should not be included in the invitation. The utterly correct way for the registry information to be shared is by quietly asking the wedding party and a few others to “let people know, if they ask, that we registered at Widgets-N-Stuff.”
And the registry is NOT a mandate- it’s not obligatory to buy an item on the registry and even if you do, for example, want to make a gift of 12 demitasse cups, you’re free to look elsewhere to see if they’re available at a better price.
If you can’t spend a fortune (or think everything on the registry list is lame and that you fear your friend is becoming a Stepford spouse), then get a cute basket from a crafting store and fill it with tea, cocoa and a pair of mugs or whatever would please them on a cozy “at home” evening… or whatever suits your budget and fancy.
If they then bitch that you did not abide by their shopping list, I suggest that the next gift they need is a book on proper etiquette.
Honestly, I hear ya. Why don’t you give them your plate of food at the wedding – tell them to wrap it up for themselves and take it home with them – that’s your gift: leftovers.
Honestly, I hear ya. Why don’t you give them your plate of food at the wedding – tell them to wrap it up for themselves and take it home with them – that’s your gift: leftovers.
Make a donation in their name to the Human Fund.
I truly can’t believe that only one person out of the 61 above commenters said “Make a donation to a non-profit in their honor.”
Especially if you’re feeling self-righteous–you get a tax deduction and proof that you’re a bigger person. Or, that is, you’re a bigger person in the logic of self-righteous fury. You’ve been there and you know it, no matter who you are.
@43 Good call. As for charities to choose…I would go with Lambda Legal or a similar LGBT-rights organization.
Registries don’t have to be evil. Done right, they are just a convenience for those who want to buy something and don’t know what to get. For ours, I made sure to choose items in a wide variety of price ranges, including a few that were close to $10. But you don’t have to follow the registry. Some of my favorite wedding gifts were items not on the registry because I just hadn’t thought of them.
How about buying a $10 scrapbook, and then creating an artful collection of business cards from divorce attorneys in your city? There’s more than a fifty percent chance that the happy couple will really NEED that in a few years.
Give to charity in their name.
Couldn’t agree more – donate to your favourite charity in their name instead.
I was asked to be a bride’s maid for someone I hadn’t really been friends with since high school. If there was a way to have politely declined, I would have. The resentment started when someone informed me that I had to buy her a gift for the shower that I was throwing and paying for. Then I had to buy her gifts for the other showers that I was expected to attend. The true disgust came when I went to the store to buy a wedding gift, and to anyone who says that a gift is not required or expected…Bullshit. I had hoped to buy them something lovely, something they would always have that would remind them of my participation in their wedding. The cheapest item on their registry was a $104.00 steam iron. If there’s a difference between a $14.00 steam iron and $104.00 steam iron, I don’t know what it is because it sure looked like just a regular steam iron to me.
They’re divorced now. I wonder who got the iron in the split?
I just got hitched. Did not need any more crap, but accepted the advise that if you don’t register, people we buy you shit you really don’t want. We registered, received gifts off the registry from people I did not know who were not at the wedding, very kind all around. We put on 2 charity options on the registry. Many of my good friends have not given us anything and I don’t care one bit. Was a super fun night, that is the bottom line, the rest is crap details. Real friends will not keep score or have resentments.
Your Anonymous stinks of envy. You can’t stand that your friends are happy and getting married or that they doing well financially.
A registry is a COURTESY for gift givers so that they don’t have to think too hard and won’t end up getting the same thing as some other guest. You and another attendee could go in on one of the items on the list. OR you could get all Martha Stewart and come up with some inexpensive but meaningful gift which will–in all likelihood-be even better received than the registry stuff.
Gift giving is not necessarily an exercise in materialism. It’s a way of expressing congratulations, celebration and friendship.
Your candor is refreshing.
Fuck yuppie bridal registries.
BUT…the smart thing to do is play nice and buy them shit, then call in a favor when they start to go splits in a few years and one of them need s best pal to cry all over when ‘Rene’ turns out to be a frigid bitch or ‘Jason’ spends as much time watching gay porn as he does writing code for Adobe.
Hell, you may have first shot at the husband – or wife, if you swing that way, you little Breeder-H8ter!
I tend to be somewhat on the writer’s side here, having given my share of unneeded wedding gifts over the years. As a long partnered gay man, I think that if we were to make it official, we would actually prohibit gifts, as we have too much crap already.
But niceties must be observed, mustn’t they? Give a suitable donation in their name to some cause that you know would annoy or embarass at least one of them, and call it a day.
“If you’re in your 30’s and can’t afford a $35 bottle of wine, you need to reevaluate your life, priorities, and finances.”
Right, in this time of record unemployment, THAT is what people should be measuring their priorities against.
I’m disabled and living hand to mouth due to that disability, and that comment is also an ablist bunch of jackassery.
FWIW, I give the people I love things I make. Luckily I have some skill with craftery and making stuff out of general crap other people might throw away (like fabric scraps). But not being able to afford to give someone else a $35 bottle of anything that isn’t medication doesn’t really keep me up at night wondering where I (or my body) went wrong.
71: Or just… don’t get them a gift.
For fuck’s sake, people, it’s a very simple solution to “not wanting to give gifts” that has been posted a thousand times.
Yet everyone’s still acting like there’s no way out of giving forced gifts once you’ve lain eyes on a registry list.
What part of “suggestion” don’t Seattlites understand?
Oh, I understand, Bonefish, I’m just passive-aggressive with some disposable income.
Have a great day, okay?
My roommate (actually ex-roommate now) got married yesterday. They registered at the alternative gift registry and included a bunch of different things that cost nothing or very little. She asked for 20 “best recipes” from people, 10 “homemade gifts”, as well as things like “any 1 cup measuring cup” and “any 9×12 cake pan.” Measuring cups can be bought at the dollar store, best recipes really only require a pen and paper, homemade gift could cost $2 (like the woman who made them a card) or $100 (someone knitted them each a sweater out of cashmere wool). It was a lovely chance to get them things they wanted, without needing to damage anyone’s pocket book.
I understand not being able to buy a present, but why would you go to a wedding where you didn’t care enough about them to want to give them a gift? I know that everyone’s love language isn’t gifts, but the idea of not wanting to give a present seems completely strange to me.
MISS MANNERS AGREES WITH YOU. And if you think she’s a stuffy old hag…well, you haven’t read her take people to town. So ignore the people telling you you’re a bitch.
I was taught to give a gift at least equal to the value of the giant meal I’m going to eat at the wedding. Open bar? Better gift.
If anything the registry makes it easier to get a nice gift without the hassle of actually thinking about it.
Anonymous is a cheap twat.
21-you’re onto something. Everybody (including yours truly) needs to broadcast their snarky counterpoints and make sure that their little egos are heard even if they are hypocritically contrarian from one post to the next. Truth value, validity, consistency and critical thinking: these are merely secondary considerations to personal validation in our culture. Especially amongst so-called skeptics and rationalists.
Anonymous clearly states that she’s already given them a gift at the wedding shower. It’s stupid to suggest she owes them another because she’s getting a free meal at the wedding itself.
Trust me – for those of you who think she’s a whiny bitch, you just don’t want to believe how many of your friends feel this way. Celebrating your commitment? Bring it on. I love my friends. I love a good party. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that most of us middle class 30-somethings who are getting married already have everything we need. (If you don’t think you do, well then you have other issues to sort out. But I digress …) My respect for a couple and level of excitement for an event always goes up when I receive an invitation that states “Please, no gifts. Your presence is all we need.” You bet I’m going to sneak something in–a card, a gift card, something clever. As was stated above, there was a necessity to this tradition back in the 30, 40s, 50s … in 2010, it’s self-entitled gift-grubbing and many, if not most, people–normal, functional, loving, happy, healthy, professional people–DON’T LIKE BEING SHAKEN DOWN by their friends. Oh, and if it’s your second wedding, don’t even get me started.
Dear Anonymous. What the f*ck is wrong with you?? You are a worthless ingrate and a shitty friend and should certainly not attend this wedding as you will only darken their celebration with your cynicism. FYI: my husband and I did EVERYTHING ourselves to bring the price of our celebration down and it still cost us over $80/person in site fee, basic food/drink and rentals items (glassware, silverware, sound system etc). Even for a dual income couple in their 30s, ANY wedding, even the most modest, is a significant financial setback–especially when you take into consideration the absolute gouging that goes on when any vendor (even one who sell out of a taco truck, for Christ-sakes!)hears the word “wedding”. It’s an expense that most couples are willing to take on in order to bask in the communal celebration of their love. Your gift–and it doesn’t need to be off the registry; those are just useful suggestions to avoid redundancies–is just part of that communal support. If you’re not feeling supportive, just don’t go. Save the couple $80 and your bad attitude! Really, what IS wrong with you??
Anonymous is not a cheap twat. And why are the women always the ones that get stuck with this crap? This shit gets old:
possible engagement party gift
bachlorette party
shower gift
wedding gift
house warming, baby showers, etc
Top it off they’ve lived together for years? Those who think this is being stingy is the guy who picks up a $35. bottle of wine and isn’t responsible for doing the rest of the crap. Its even worse when its wedding #2 or 3…
I’m curious – are the fire-spitting people speaking up there the gracious, doe-eyed brides and grooms? Crikey. Why so defensive if true love has made you whole? Or is it the wedding you need? Has Anonymous touched a nerve? If it’s really about your love, then why not make that part personal? Why not elope (I did!) and have a nice low-key party with your friends when you return? Don’t go into debt. Skip the drama and stress. Or wait … is it about you having your ‘15 minutes’ and wanting the click-flash-flash? How about you let your friends be happy that you found true love (because if you have, you can bet your friends are genuinely thrilled for you–THAT will never become passe) without asking them to treat you like movie stars and spoiled children for a day. Wake up from the fairy tale and marketing spin. If you really see your guests as friends, you wouldn’t presume to drag them through your me-me-me episode. How self-centered do you have to be in 2010 to spend $15,000 on an event for yourself, so people will pay attention to you for 3 hours–one where you pass an expectation of a return on investment to your “friends”? Give half that amount to a worth charity and grow a conscience. Your friends will love you for it.
Oh yes!
Thank you Ianon. I am so fucking sick of the nuptual industrial complex.
@81: You said, in a nutshell, “I’m spending a lot of money on you, so you should turn around and spend some on me!”
Except the $80 you spend on each guest? That’s really for you too. The whole wedding is about you and your ego; otherwise you could just get married at the courthouse for (almost) free.
Remember, (s)he who dies with the most stuff, still dies. And probably is more miserable while alive.
When I got married, we had a bunch of stuff already, but not a lot of money, so we made a honeymoon registry. People didn’t feel like they were just getting us useless crap we didn’t need, and we were able to afford a much nicer honeymoon than we would have otherwise. It enabled our friends and family to give us memories that will last forever instead of crap we’ll get sick of looking at or have to put in the attic so the kids don’t break it in 5 years.
Anyway, that said, Anonymous probably knows what type of people her friends are, so I’m giving her the benifit of the doubt on this one… of course she could just be having wedding burnout, it sounds like this couple isn’t the first of her friends to get married recently.
Do those of you who are so pissed about the social obligation of wedding gifts feel the same about birthdays too? After all these “people with two cars and a couple of master’s degrees between them” probably have birthdays every year too! Gift giving is part of the celebration game in both settings and it’s really the thought that counts, buy a bottle of champagne, make something for them, whatever…and don’t give me the I can’t afford to make or buy a single thing line of bs. No one with internet access is so poor that they couldn’t come up with a $20 gift! Even homeless people find ways to gather a few dollars to spend on those most important to them.
If it’s an open bar, spend $20 on a gift. Quid-pro-quo
It has been said, but give them sex toys. Every couple can us a vibe, an assortment of butt plugs and a ball gag or 3. Or maybe a gift certificate would be better.
Alternatively you could donate to a charity in their name. This is a really good suggestion that has been made by several people.
I had friend who recently got married and they added on their cards to out of town friends that us making it was our gift since they know that we are broke. It was really sweet and took the pressure way down.
Gift registries were created by department stores. End of story.
Established households should NOT expect gifts, and adding a registry to your invitation? Do you KNOW how tacky that is? That’s a no-no in every etiquette book I’ve ever seen.
Absolutely, so many weddings have become gift grabs. Just because you’re registered with the state does no mean the world owes you presents from Target that you will inevitably haul back in your fancy hybrid and try and get cash for them. Luckily you can’t.
The writer here is fucking right on. It’s about damned time that someone became a “whiny-ass bitch” (because they didn’t conform, thou wisened Stranger reader) and said the truth about this corporate-invented way to sell more cheap-ass shit that ends up cluttering a hoarder’s back room, still in its package.
Somehow I can understand why she’s still single. This is a maiden aunt in the making. You know the type…sends your kids a 5$ bill for Christmas and Birthdays. What a sport!
If I ever get married again, which I seriously doubt, I will have NO mention of gifts on the invitation, and will certainly not expect any gifts. However, if friends and relatives do want to give something, at their own discretion, I think a “Help Stock Our Bar” gift is fun and easy. NOT TO BE CONSUMED AT THE WEDDING but for use in the newly-combined home: A decent champagne, a bottle of wine with a cute name, a flavored vodka, a weird bottle of tequila, or absinthe for the daring. The more interesting, the better. That would be my way to go, and I think it would bring a lot of fun to the opening festivities, more so than 10 toasters.
You don’t need to bring a gift to the wedding if you already brought one to the shower. Unless you’re in the wedding party, double gifting isn’t necessary.
We explicitly requested no presents at our wedding. Never the less most guests felt obliged to bring *something*. I wonder in retrospect if it would have been better to give them some ideas rather than force them to guess what might be suitable.
Bravo! They aren’t gifts if you have to ask for them.
The couple must be from out of state.
Everyone in Washington knows that we like our cold, hard cash in little white envelopes as wedding presents or something we can get drunk on or something that will make us cry.
I have been to a ton of weddings and never received a registry … usually the invites state PLEASE GIVE US MONEY, OH GOD, WE NEED TO PAY FOR THIS STUPID THING or Please give us _____ so we can fix up our ______.
I love the charity idea. That’s brilliant.
@31 – +1 Totally. Make a donation to the Socialist Workers Party in their name.
When I get married, I’m going to show up early, naked, & with 3 dozen bottles of eyelash glue. Anyone wishing to give a gift will be directed not to buy a gift, but to show up early the day of the wedding with cash in hand, otherwise don’t bother. Alcohol will be served. Then the gift-givers will be instructed to glue the cash they brought directly onto me. Extra love if it’s in a visually-appealing fashion. This should, in one event, eliminate the following: the goofy bachelorette party with that GD TP dress; having to find, buy, or commission a dress; allowing all genders to participate in some version of a strange pre-ceremony bridal ritual; the registry; and lastly the embarrassment or self-imposed guilt & shame from the people who cannot nor wish to send money or gifts our way by providing them an easy out. “Hey the naked and the gluing cash thing … it’s just not me.” And I am not biased toward my future groom either. He is certainly welcome to have cash glued to him too.
Well… maybe I’ll wear some white fur panties. A tiny bit of modesty and white for the bride.
@46 – Because quality of life is measured by our capacity to afford luxury items. Wait, what?
Spending a fortune on your wedding is dumb. You are saying I DO. You get to set the date (it’s not a sudden emergency expense). Spend what you can reasonably afford. When I got married we lucked out and were able to have probably 80 guests with MORE than enough food (thanks, Mom!) and booze. MP3 player, free photog found on CL, family member officiated. I doubt we spent more than $1,000. Everyone enjoyed the short ceremony, lots of laughs, talking eating, then went home when they pleased. It was a party we threw for them.
If you must have crystal, flowers, a band and videographer, that’s your problem. Do you think that really makes it any more enjoyable for your guests who are supposedly there to share in your joyous event? Hardly. Maybe asking for gifts is rude. Maybe not registering leaves those who WANT to buy gifts in the awkward position of not knowing what the couple would most enjoy. Anon is not an ass for feeling shaken down. But Anon should really just relax and go without the damned gift. Eat and drink as much as you can stand. If the couple even notices, they truly are assholes.
fuck the people who expect gifts, or to sit thru the super long ceremony, or to pay for the god damn tux or dress! we all know your together why do have to buy you shit because you decided to publicly announce it? fuck weddings … unless your gay then their great and totally ok