Credit: Steven Weissman

To all you sugar-free, dairy-free, wheat-free fake celiacs from South Beach, please stop coming to my cafe. I know it’s trendy in Seattle to be healthy, and even trendier to be gluten-free, but don’t come to a fucking sandwich and crepe shop and
expect us to have multiple options for you. When I ask, “Are you allergic or are you wheat-free by choice?” don’t be a smart-ass and ask me, “Does it matter?” YES, IT FUCKING MATTERS! YOU CAN DIE! We had one customer who carried an EpiPen around with him, he was that allergic to wheat. It was a pain in the ass trying to find something for him to eat, but he’s lived with the allergy all his life and was not even half as entitled and narcissistic as all you health freaks. I’m sorry our crepes are made out of flour and our wheat bread is full of wheat, but I don’t know what you were expecting. Also, stop giving me shitty tips because we don’t have anything that works for your self-inflicted diet. I’m just a fucking waitress and have no control over the menu. Go find a PCC. The employees there are better trained to deal with your bullshit.

129 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  2. well… I hate the same kind of pussy pricks she does , so rage on sistah! I wish they’d all go back to ‘frisco , but I’m afraid they are here to stay and fuck this state up too.

  5. agreed…stop being such ferkin douchenuggets about what you consume in public eateries. If you want to micro-manage your diet make your own food and stop expecting the world to cater to your semi-retarded self-imposed restrictions.

    “Welcome to Baskin Robbins what would you like”

    “I’d like a sugar-free, lactose-free sundae with shade grown organic walnuts”

    “Fuck off”

  7. Additionally, when did wheat become bad for you? I think these people have transitioned from “health-conscious” to “eating disorder.” New Age nonsense for the new age.

  8. Yep, when I was a waiter whenever some look-at-me douchehead would ask something like “do you serve free range chicken?” I’d always say yes.

    Yes, it moved freely from the freezer to the refrigerator, then freely to the range.

    Or ask me if the beef is hormone-free. Sure, we throw the hormones in for free.

    If you want purity, grow your own food and eat it straight from the ground. If you go to a restaurant the only thing you’re sure to get is answers that will make you buy our food.

  9. I love my friends who are vegetarian, but don’t make a huge deal about it.

    I feel sorry for the ones who are allergic and get in serious pain due to accidental ingestion.

    I really hate the “food allergy” ones who went through the food allergy diet and detected it that way. They make the most noise about it, and are the least affected by it. Many say it makes them cranky.

  13. It also sucks trying to prepare a meal in a home for these fucking whiners! Eat at home before you come over pussy! Cry about wheat and then they drink an american lager full of wheat! I know a couple one is a little bitch about onions and the other is a gluten sissy, and they had kids. Back in the old days they would have died of starvation! Feed yourselves ya fuckin’ snivelers!

  14. Snooty little yuppies… yep fuck em. I cooked in a small bar that was totally visible to the patrons and I had to put up with their stupid little “look at me” questions and comments all the time. I finally quit I was so sick of their narcissism. Plenty of times I told people to go home and cook their own damn food if they were going to be that anal.

  15. Are you a fucking crappy waitress by choice or are you genetically pre-disposed to giving shitty customer service? … YES, IT DOES MATTER!!!

  16. Are you a crappy waitress by choice or are you somehow genetically predisposed to giving shitty customer service? …YES, IT DOES MATTER!

  17. Agreed. There’s nothing that pisses me of more than people who have self-inflicted diet restrictions and act like assholes about it. And I say that as a vegetarian. I recognize that my not eating meat is my own choice, and I live accordingly. Going to a bakery and complaining about gluten is like me going to a barbecue joint and complaining about the pork. It’s dumb.

  18. Dude, don’t lump in people who have real, true diagnosed Celiac ( an auto-immune disease like MS or lupus) with fuss trip health nut yuppies. The attitude of the latter pisses me off as much as you, because it makes my life just that much harder cause everyone thinks I’m being trendy or picky. BUT I am a little thankful that it is trendy, because that means more options for me, compared to when I was diagnosed, when there were absolutely none.

    If I could eat wheat tomorrow I would lock myself in the essential bakery and not come out for a week. I don’t have a choice. I was diagnosed ten years ago. It’s genetic. Multiple members of my family have it, and it SUCKS. I have permanent, embarrassing health problems because I wasn’t diagnosed until my late twenties.

    I don’t expect you to have gluten-free products, I know the flours are expensive and it’s a pain in the ass to make ’em. But honestly, when I find places that do have gluten-free options I’m so, so grateful.

    A couple of months ago I had my first real burger that I didn’t make myself in years and it was tremendous. If you make GF stuff you get all of my business, and eateries in Seattle who have included that option get a HUGE uptick in business because not many places do GF. Most days I eat at home.

    Now those vegans, don’t get me started.

  19. Ah, this one made me titter.
    I’m one of those whiners, diagnosed with celiac disease at 6 months. I’ve spent my entire life living dangerously every time I eat out.

    I tend to skip the awkward questions in restaurants, and just pick carefully. Up until recently, noone even understood what I was asking. “Yeah, there’s no wheat in it, the package just says flour, that should be okay”. And now, people might assume I’m one of THOSE people :p

  20. @19. I feel for you. I’m lucky I never grew up eating bread products, so I don’t know what I’m missing. It doesn’t even smell like food to me.

    And gawd, I hate vegans too. Idiots with their self-imposed little food religion.

  23. @24

    You’re an asshole.

    You’re wondering if those “real medical issues” are overstated?
    When I was in the first grade, I didn’t grow for the entire year because I had undiagnosed Celiac Disease and my body wasn’t able to absorb any nutrients because of how screwed up my intestines were. Are you seriously comparing that to play dates and ADD?

    Go fuck yourself.

  24. The lives of children has really changed. It recently occurred to me that I never see kids running around the neighbor, ever. This is all we did when I was a kid! It freaks me out actually… what is going to happen to them?

  25. Maybe it’s because of these fuckers that people give me shit about my food allergies when I ask about ingredients. Maybe this is why I spend the next day home sick when some food service person doesn’t realize that allergic to dairy means makes me physically, severely ill.

    Hmm, maybe waitstaff should give customers the benefit of the doubt on this one? I should know, I am a waiter.

  26. Yeah, gluten-free, unless you have celiac disease, is pretty stupid. And, I totally feel for the people who actually have celiac disease and are made to feel like they are one of “those people” now that it’s so trendy for people to be obnoxious about wheat.

    On the flip side, if you’re a server, and someone tells you they have an allergy, don’t act like they’re lying. Maybe they are (and they just don’t like whatever food they’re talking about), but some of us have food allergies that will make us throw up on your shoes and then not be able to leave the bathroom for 3 hours. Just sayin’.

  27. We have turned into a nation of pussy’s. I understand that people have real food allergies and need to ask questions about ingredients for self preservation. What I can’t stand is all of these douchebags who put all of these restrictions on what they eat out of vanity. 1st world bullshit. And I am with you on the contempt with the new age “play date” parenting freaks out there. No wonder this country is swirling the bowl. When Palin is elected in 2012, I’m taking my Irish passport and getting the fuck outta here.

  28. gee, i wonder why customers get angry with you, with people skills like that! of course no-one will be offended when you blatantly question the authenticity of their food allergy as though you, who have never met them before in your life, would really know.

    sure the celiac thing is ‘trendy’ for some people but just shut the f*** up about it. and if you don’t have any gluten free stuff, just say you don’t have it. and you know what? gluten free food is not even that hard to make. maybe suggest that you start making it.

    a plague on both your houses – you for not having enough sense to understand what customer service is, and your customers for being too stupid to realise a crepe has wheat flour in it.

  29. My best friend’s daughter doesn’t have celiac disease, but when she eats gluten, she has seizures. Since we learned that, we found it has that effect on many epileptics. So while it may be a pain in the ass to have people questioning every ingredient, for some of them it really is important to know.

    And to all the oldsters who say “When I was a kid…”, you need to remember that you were a kid, so you probably weren’t all that tuned in to the troubles that other people had. I remember a few friends who had peanut allergies back when I was young (30+ years ago), so it’s not like it didn’t exist. Maybe it just wasn’t as well publicized.

  30. I’m sure some people can be very irritating, but I must agree that people with the “fad diets” really do help out those with legitimate food allergies. My daughter is only 2 years old, but she has been diagnosed with several food allergies, via blood test. We didn’t test her for fun, or because it’s “trendy” to have food allergies. We tested her because we wanted to know why every time she got a flu shot, she spiked a dangerous fever and nearly choked on her vomit (Class 5 Egg White Allergy)…we tested her, because we wanted to know why she projectile-vomited when she ate yogurt (Class 5 Cow’s Milk Allergy). During that testing, we also found out that she has a Class 5 Peanut Allergy, which can be life-threatening. It’s a hard thing to know that your sweet baby girl could die, if a friend eats a peanut butter sandwich and then breathes on your child (yes, it can be THAT bad).

    I’m happy for those of you who don’t have to educate yourself on every alternative flour (rice, amaranth, teff, tapioca, etc., etc.), but I do and they didn’t build an entire Gluten Free aisle at Whole Foods for my daughter, they built it for all the “health nuts”.

    I don’t care who they built it for, but I thank my lucky stars that those “health nuts” spend a lot of money and have that kind of power over merchandising. Many restaurants carry GF options, but my daughter has so many food allergies (milk, egg, peanuts, wheat, soy and walnut) that I just bring special food with us when we go out.

    I do not feel “entitled” to any special menu items, and I can understand your frustration with people with bad attitudes, but it seems like you don’t have much of a shining disposition, yourself. Remember that you are working for a business and those “yuppies” are paying customers. I don’t think they should be rude or mean to you, but if they are just asking a simple question about ingredients, you should just see it as a “product inquiry” from customer to provider. If you don’t have what they want, they will go elsewhere and that’s how business works.

    I do think that “more” people have allergies there days, because it’s easier to diagnose, now. Before, we would have had to do a painful trial and error process and may never have known about my daughter’s peanut allergy. Luckily for her, I never even offered her anything with peanuts, because we are more educated now. If I had given her a PB&J after she turned 1, I shudder to think of the consequences. I agree that you just have to assume that people are asking for legitimate health reasons.

  33. Wow, what would you say to a vegetarian? I’m not allergic to meat but I sure as hell will never eat it. I know a ton of people who have wheat sensitivity and probably wouldn’t really appreciate someone asking them whether or not wheat will make them sick every time they ask for gluten free options.

    Dairy makes me deathly ill, so because I don’t eat meat I’m vegan. It’s easier to call it an allergy than explain everything, and my food had better be free of the things I asked it to be free of.

    People’s dietary choices are your fucking job accommodate; it doesn’t really matter whether or not you agree with them. If your cafe has that many gluten free customers, then maybe it’s time to reconsider the menu.

  34. You know, it’s not a crime to manage what you eat. Why does everyone have to be so up in arms about people’s personal dietary choices? I understand that if someone is an arrogant asshole about it, that sucks. But if I ask someone if a food item has dairy in it, why am I an asshole for that? Dairy isn’t going to kill me or make me sick for days, but it makes me feel kinda crappy, so I’d rather not eat it. What is wrong with that?
    When a lot of retaurants advertise dairy-free or gluten-free items, and you are a competing restaurant, you should expect that customers are going to ask if you have dairy-free or gluten-free items. If you don’t, then you’re not a very savvy business owner. That being said, customers can and should be polite about it.

  35. @24: Yup, you’re an asshole.
    When I was a kid, I was the one “special” kid in the entire school that couldn’t eat from the school cafeteria. Maybe there was a kid like that in your school, and you didn’t notice them. My childhood was a series of constant reminders on a daily basis that I could be made deathly sick at any time. Couldn’t eat anything that the other kids ate whereever I went. Nothing was ever simple. My mum tried so hard, must’ve made a million disgusting sammiches made from inedible fake “bread”.

    I’m not bitter, made me the man I am today etc, but I feel glad that kids with celiac disease today get treated a little better. Change is for the good, asshole 🙂

  36. Lets just lump everyone into a “you’re all a-holes except me,” category as that seems to be where these comments are going. So gluten-free allergies are understandable, but someone who doesn’t want to support animal cruelty (vegan) is an a-hole? Umm, self-entitled pricks who hassle waitstaff is one thing, but bashing a bunch of people with dietary constrictions you don’t have yourself is DICK.

  37. Why are ALL vegans assholes? Just because they choose their diet? I’m all for ragging on self-entitled pricks who harass waitstaff, but come on. Not all people who pick their diets are a-holes. As a vegetarian, I don’t go to a steakhouse and demand they feed me. Lets just say ANYONE who acts like an elitist cunt is that, and the rest of us just eat what we eat.

  38. @8: Whoa, fuck you. The way we raise animals for slaughter in this country is horrific, you don’t need to fucking LIE to people who care. Say no and they’ll go elsewhere and you won’t have to worry about customers who–God forbid!–ask a simple fucking question.

  39. We are all talking about different people here, no need to call each other assholes.

    People like Anon get frustrated waiting on these people because as they rudely gesture to you to make their point about how they CANT have gluten at any cost because of their severe allergy they are stuffing a roll in their mouth with their other fist.

    In my kitchen, if a guest has an allergy the chef has to stop everything they are doing to speak to the guest so their food is cooked safely. I did have someone lie once and identified themselves as allergic when it was just a preference. They ordered an entree which contained the offending ingredient, but the chef refused to make it saying “well, you said you were allergic, I can’t in good conscience serve you this food …” That bitch was so mad … served her right …

  41. I would like to extend a warm thank-you from my heart for all those “soft yuppie pricks” who choose to eat gluten-free.

    Because of you, there are many restaurants and cafes in Seattle that I can go into without having to worry about leaving hungry and creating an awkward situation for my friends and family. Only a few short years ago, I hadn’t met a waiter who knew what gluten-free meant. Now, I can count at least a half-dozen places where I have a LIST of menu items to choose from. For someone with celiac, that is a triumph.

    So, if you have to put up with picky health nuts who ask for wheat-free foods, so be it. Their “whiny” voices enable me, and others like me, that little piece of joy and normalcy that comes from being able to pair a social life with food and the ability to leave the kitchen once in awhile.

  42. @24

    Yes, things *have* changed. The sheer amount of pollution, chemicals and other toxins that we are surrounded w/ have altered our chemical make-up. Food allergies & intolerances have skyrocketed. There’s very little reason to look for specific causes & effects, if it’s the toxic fumes from plastics or pesticides/herbicides, it’s a cascade effect, which is reflected in our bodies’ unhealth.

    I think it’s evolution in action: humans are vastly overpopulating the planet, and we’re making it increasingly difficult for our species to survive. Remember: global climate change won’t affect the planet any. It just means that a lot of humans (and sadly, many other species) will die off. If only it could be selective and kill of the conservatives & fundamentalists.

  43. If you actually think “it’s trendy in Seattle to be healthy”, it’s a pretty good sign that you’re a fatass who moved here from some place where most people are fatasses.

  44. I agree w/ #47…

    I don’t understand why more restaurants won’t offer things in wheat varieties. They are healthier, taste BETTER, and digest faster. Wheat tortillas for example — how does Taco Del Mar offer this but not a nice restaurant?

    As for this cafe, you SHOULD sell wheat scones (otherwise the same — sugary, blueberry, cranberry almond, whatever) and other varieties. You’d make more money from people like me, who will return and return because I can get something that tastes good and is relatively healthier.

  46. Many years ago, I worked at a place that had a little sign proclaiming THIS AIN’T BURGER KING. YOU’LL GET IT OUT WAY OR YOU’LL DO WITHOUT THE SON OF A BITCH. The place wasn’t in business long, but it was a fun place to work.

  47. @45

    Thanks for pointing this out. I’ve been through some mentally unstable times and generally tuffed it out and tried to sort things out as a strong person instead of blaming society, taking self pity, or my least favorite option, medicating.

    When I learned that wheat might contribute in any small way toward how I felt, I saw the possibility that abstaining from this prolific part of our western diet as a particularly un-pussy like way to help myself cope. As it turns out, it has helped me focus, be less despondent and less irritable. I used to put down a baguette like nobodies business. I couldn’t imagine not eating wheat. Worshiped it practically.

    So…. I’ll try to abstain from judging what I think makes you a pussy and you can lay off what makes people feel better about themselves and be better people to be around. thanks.

  48. I was recently diagnosed with Celiac (by my doctor, not by myself, I had no idea one could develop the disease as an adult). I promise not to be a jerk about it, but please don’t think we’re all full-of-shit-pseudoceliacs and lie to us, because having functional intestines is nice.

  49. Who the hell avoids gluten if they are not gluten intolerant? NOBODY!!
    Yes, if you don’t want wheat, don’t go to a bakery that doesn’t advertize that it is gluten free, don’t go to a butcher shop if you’re a vegan…. and if you want a job where people don’t ask what’s in the food they are about to put in their bodies, DON’T WORK AS FUCKING WAITER OR WAITRESS, YOU BITCHY LOSER!!!!

  50. @24, my dad’s best friend growing up (they grew up in the 60s) was deathly allergic to tree nuts. Yes, there are more people with diagnosed allergies now, but that does not mean that there were not people with serious allergies in the past.

    Anyway, regarding the I Anon, I’m perfectly able to consume gluten, but my mother and younger sister have Celiac and will become EXTREMELY ill if they have even the slightest bit of gluten. The worst part of this? My mother is a gigantic hippie, so she has a ton of friends who are on gluten free diets for idiotic reasons, and every single one of them contributes to her being taken less seriously about her actual autoimmune problems.

    On the plus side I guess there are more gluten free products available thanks to those jackasses, but sadly my mother lives in a very small town where basically none of those things are available.

    But really, co-opting a serious food allergy or intolerance for a dietary choice is very dangerous, because it can lead to things like servers being nonchalant about whether those items are actually in food or not. At least the person who wrote this I Anon seems to understand the difference.

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