Hey there! I’m the socially defunct “idiot” that lives close to you, or perhaps that “freak” who you have run into at the store on occasion—the one who struggles with eye contact and simple human communication.
I want to offer an apology. I honestly don’t mean to alienate you or make you feel uncomfortable. Please remember that I am doing everything in my power to appear “normal” and not make you feel uncomfortable.
It may come as a surprise to those of you who shrug me off as a freak, but I’m really not a moron. I consider myself intelligent; I’m gainfully employed and make a pretty good living. I just share a vacuum when it comes to any situation that is social, and yes, thank you for noticing and pointing it out to me, in detail, on every occasion. Yes, it’s not you, it’s me.
In closing, my request is simple: Give the awkward guy a break on occasion. We never ask for anything, nor expect anything from anyone. We just exist. Being “social” is something that you take for granted, like breathing, and something we have to work at constantly just to coexist in your world. It’s not that I’m not trying to become a better human being every day—it just doesn’t show, like it does with “normal” folks.
With all my freakish sincerity,
The idiot you ran into at the grocery store and laughed at because my brain and mouth couldn’t agree on an appropriate response to your smile after I gave you my empty shopping cart
—Anonymous
Trouble being social? Here’s a tip;
LOTS AND LOTS OF COCAINE.
Um, or therapy? probably costs about the same, and it’s legal.
Seriously. If it’s lack of social training, you can learn. If it’s from a behavioral or mental disorder… you can probably still learn.
@2
therapy is not gonna make it all better, anymore then art lessons, or a good coach will make a artist or an athlete out of some one lacking talent or coordination. It may help a bit, it may give us some skills and practice and confidence, but that’s all.
I have spent years coming to terms with my oddness, my tremendous difficulty in navigating situations that others sail through on instinct. However much I practice, I will still be odd, and uncomfortable, and that’s ok.
I can cope. But it is easier for me to cope if people in general are aware that people like me exist. It’ll be easier for you to, if you know, you don’t have to be offended when I avoid eye contact and mumble in the dairy isle.
Thats all he’s asking for.
However, I have no sympathy for his highly questionable word usage: “socially defunct”?
never compare your own reality to someone else’s social mask. everybody sucks at some big important chunk of life, and for a lot of people, that thing is social interaction. i bet that MOST people feel awkward in social situations to one degree or another. some are just better at faking it than others. no worries, anonymous. we’re all freaks. it’s cool.
Not asking for anything, huh? Just a break?
Jesus, no socially-awkward woman would feel entitled to demand that everyone else accommodate her. Get over yourself.
Jesus the posters are on here are assholes.
My best friend (and the kindest/coolest/smartest person I know) has a touch of the Ass Burgers.
He’s wickedly socially awkward, but people who accept him for who he is and get to know the inner him are blessed.
Fuck these people, shine on my man. Shine on.
Seriously, putting ass burgers in your headline is beyond offensive. Have some fucking decency and respect for those with disabilities.
As a socially awkward non-Aspie, I’ve found that decent people the world over are pretty tolerant of social awkwardness, even if they can be a little perplexed by it. I think socially awkward people have the unfortunate habit of blowing the minority’s shitty responses (everything from ridicule to outright insults) out of proportion.
If Anon lives in Seattle, he especially can find many people who are willing to put up with him and at least pretend to be understanding.
And I have an acquaintance who falls firmly in the asshole side of the spectrum (which is why he’s only an acquaintance), and it never fails to amaze me the amount of shit his friends and acquaintances put up with from him.
People don’t understand Asperger’s very well. I know a couple people with it, and they are very difficult to deal with, and hard to get through to. But I do try to be understanding, it’s just tough.
But why do we pronounce it Ass Burgers? Asperger is spelled with a P, so I have always pronounced it Ass-Purgers, but everyone else says Ass Burgers.
Hey anonymous, I thought this was a thoughtful and rather sweet letter. I’m fairly awkward myself and appreciate the patience of others in those everyday situations where social anxiety rears its head. I hope you find that most people are patient with you too, and that the ones who aren’t or who are unkind are not worth a second though. Thank you for the reminder to extend a little patience and grace to those we encounter.
Nice Anon. This is real shit for a lot of people.
Introverts unite! Lets destroy the socialites and then sit quietly together without talking or making eye contact!
Next thing you know, these “social intraverts” will demand special parking spaces. Good grief!
Ye gods below, the commenters here are rampant asshats. As a person with near-total prosopagnosia who couldn’t make eye contact or initiate a conversation with a stranger if her life depended on it, know that you have my understanding and sympathy, at least.
What is the deal with the spite posts in this thread?
The guy isn’t attacking anyone, he isn’t demanding money, he isn’t demanding a mercy fuck, he’s just asking, very gently and humbly, that people not humiliate him…that’s all he meant by “give the ackward guy a break on occasion”.
This was not a cool thread to do dissing for the sake of dissing. Most of the posters here owe Anon an apology.
@6:
Asking not to have one’s every mannerism criticized and found wanting by complete strangers hardly unreasonable, and this socially awkward woman hereby makes the same request.
@18: Unfortunately, I think I, Anon is just somewhere for the kids to go when they just want to lay the boots to some sad or frustrated stranger.
Its too bad, because it is such a a cool and fun forum, if it wasn’t for the blue meanies.
I think extreme awkwardness, as well as the ass burgers, are something that people learn to accept in themselves as they get older. It can take many years to find a place where you fit, when you’re kinda “funny”. As you become more accepting of yourself, the people who can see your dignity and self-respect shining through, will seek you out.
In this way, you will find a community where you belong, and the normals who lack awareness and compassion, just won’t matter.
Apology not needed. Eye contact overrated. Communication meaningless.
Dear Ass Burgers,
Chances are some of the people you interact with are also socially awkward or have social anxiety problems. Nervousness is contagious. Yeah, some people are jerks and will laugh at you but it doesn’t mean everyone is. I smile when I’m stressed or nervous. The more anxious I get the more I clench my teeth in a sort of grotesque, manic jack o’lantern grin. You’re not alone. All us socially inept folks should all get together sometime and not talk to one another and avoid eye contact.
one of the better i, anons i’ve ever read, maybe the best. very heartfelt and intelligent, perfect use of the column. i used to be very shy and introverted, but i grew out of it after time. i don’t enter a room like krusty the clown, but i can usually hold my own at a party where i don’t know many people…something that used to terrify me in my teens/20’s. i hope this guy does get a break and will improve.
Great anon. and heard loud and clear.
Oh dear. Thank you, Anonymous. Like many Aspies I know (I know a lot), you’re smart and sensitive and write well. I’m kinda thinking, though, that that particular interaction was perhaps warmer than you thought. Maybe. Some people laugh at you in a kind manner, and if it looks almost exactly like derision, an Aspie will get nervous and see the more negative choice pretty often. I mean, people without Aspergers do that A LOT too, but then they are able to re-evaluate and calm down (or even ask for more info). Just try saying “what?!” and making a funny face next time (doesn’t take much work) and people will fall all over themselves apologizing and explaining themselves and laughing (kindly).
I’m sorry you struggle with this. You sound sweet.
Yes to what 25 said. What seemed like “laughing at you” might have been a more friendly response that you realize. Just like you have trouble communicating off the cuff, some people use laughter as a way of smoothing over awkward moments (for instance, if you smile at someone who doesn’t respond to you in kind).
Aww, Aspie, it’s ok. As others have noted some of the laughter you’ve encountered might’ve been an attempt at sympathy. Of course it came off wrong and awkward – even those who interact with an ease unavailable to you feel awkward all the time, too. Life IS awkward. Just continue to make an effort and continue being you. Random strangers shouldn’t get to ruin your day.
I know that in the moment this is not as easy as I am making it sound. But you’ll be OK.
Action Kate —-
Seriously? What a woefully ignorant comment. Asperger’s Syndrome is a neurobiological condition, not an attitude problem. You can’t just get over it. What would you say to an autistic child covering her ears and rocking back and forth in the corner of the room? “Get over it”? Try reading about autism spectrum disorder some time, or maybe go see that Claire Danes movie. It would, after all, be the socially sensitive thing to do.
@6
Holy crap. Did you really just say that? Do I have to remind you too that it’s a neurobiological condition? Why don’t you get over *yourself*? Why shouldn’t people who are different be able to ask for anything from others, but everybody else should be able to ask for whatever they want? That doesn’t seem fair. It’s not all about satisfying your needs. It’s about compromise. That’s fair.
Awkward socially inept people are so much more chill than loudmouth know-it-all assholes.
Have you tried COCAINE yet?
I did, and have made 347 new friends.
All my money is gone, I haven’t slept in 2 days, and I can’t feel my face, but GODDAMMIT I GOT OUT THERE AND DID IT!!!!
When I was a kid, the only Aspie person I knew was the constant butt of jokes at school, and I confess that I was too terrified of becoming a target again after being bullied a lot myself, and didn’t stand up to the bullies for him. I only heard once or twice that he was an aspie, and never learned what exactly that really meant. And our teachers definitely didn’t help anyone to understand.
Today, I’ve met plenty of aspies, have aspie friends, know of a number of aspie-supportive communities, and see aspies speaking up throughout net spaces. So kudos to all of you, writer included, who are doing the hard work to get it out there that this is a Thing, and to ask for much-deserved respect and understanding. I know it’s tough, but thank you.
Not an aspie, but I grew up painfully shy and had to learn social skills the way some people study chemistry. I’ve done a good job of it and people today tend to think I’m actually extraverted. But I empathize, oh, I empathize.
And to D.F., the aspie from my childhood, I’m sorry.
Awwwwww…
This is a sweet I Anon. I see no reason why Awkward Guy cannot be given a break on occasion, perhaps even regularly.
Whaddaya say, Seattle??
I’m with ya on this one. Its taken me years of serious practice and I still sort of suck at it. While I doubt I have full blow ASS Burgers, as this stuff isn’t debilitating, I can check off several things on the list that I have mild cases off. So I deal, and I learn, and I practice and sort of not worry too much. The people who know me and who care about me and vice versa, get it.
Thanks for a good Anon this week.
#6: I hope you’re not actually a woman because if you are you don’t must not hang out with many of your peers. Do you have any idea how many socially awkward drama queens there are in the fairer sex? I’ve known plenty of women who expect guys to bend over backwards to penetrate their social armor. It’s not even a gender thing; both sexes do it.
#6: I hope you’re not actually a woman because if you are you must not hang out with many of your peers. Do you have any idea how many socially awkward drama queens there are in the fairer sex? I’ve known plenty of women who expect guys to bend over backwards to penetrate their social armor. It’s not even a gender thing; both sexes do it.
Thank you for speaking out. I hope you will meet lots of people who basically assume that everyone’s just doing their best, and that it’s OK.
its a spirit of fear or timidity, speak Gods word and get delivered;(I declare GOD has not given me a spirit of fear but he’s given a spirit of love ,a spirit of power and a sound mind.) (i declare God has not given me a spirit of bondage again to fear but he’s given me the spirit of sonship whereby i cry out abba father) ( I declared the love of GOD is perfected in my soul which cast out all fear) i believe therefore i speak, i overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. speak this out loud as many times a day and you will see and feel the improvement. bless you, jeasus came to set the captives free
I have crippling social anxiety bordering on agoraphobia…it sucks. I also have a job where I have to deal with the public on a daily basis. In my experience, people are generally not going to freak out if you get tongue tied or do something a little bit weird. The person at the grocery store was probably laughing because she was nervous, not because she thinks you are a buffoon.
Oh Boo Hoo, nobody is going to cut me any slack for being the dork that I am.
Seriously, why are they only picking the lame IA’s anymore?
How do you tell the difference between someone who is acting like an ass burgers and someone who is acting like a jerk? I find it difficult.
@42: Perhaps a compare and contrast would help you. I anon gave someone his empty cart, which sounds like someone trying to be nice, IMO. Meanwhile, #2, 6 & 41 are assholes. Not knowing the proper response? Socially awkward. Making cruel and judgmental comments? Jerkdouchery.
Yeah… but I have known people with aspergers who have manipulated me and lied to me, and blamed it on being “socially retarded.”
Read 39. Totally worth it.
IA: I sometimes swear out loud when I think of something stupid I’ve said or done over the last couple of days. I only do it when I’m alone, but I’m still totally self conscious about it.
Anon, I agree with some other commenters that sometimes the laughter you get in awkward situations is friendly laughter. If we come upon each other in an aisle, and we both move to one side, blocking each other, and then we both move again, still blocking each other… Then we look at each other and laugh, and instead of an uncomfortably clumsy moment, we are sharing a joke. 🙂
Also, people will forgive almost any gaffe if you chalk it up to “just having one of those days.”
Thank God for some good comments, as well as some intelligence. You do not “get over it”. It is not like breaking up with a girl or boy friend, which can be hard to get over. There is way to much ignorance and hate in this world, bless all of you who were positive. What branch of logic did you negative commencementers use? Please elaborate your intellectual ineptitude’s; for we will enjoy your stupidity! Thank you Anon for a perfect post for these assholes.
Sounds silly, but serious meditation is really helpful.
The first time I met someone with Asperges, I didn’t know he had it. I just knew that he didn’t seem to get the social cues he was supposed to, and I got annoyed and snubbed him.
Years later, I found out why he was the way he was, after becoming friends with a family member of his.
I tolerated him for my friend’s sake, and also out of shame for being mean to someone because I didn’t understand what he had, and he never seemed to begrudge me my years of snubbing him, and now we’re on friendly terms, and I’m glad I gave him a chance in the end, because I’m now seeing that he’s quite a remarkable, smart, radical, interesting and caring person.
Just so you know, often when people laugh they’re trying to make you feel more comfortable. It’s all about context, which seems to be something you have trouble with. Just keep it in mind- most people know what it’s like to be awkward and don’t want to make you feel moreso.