I’m 21 years old and in a monogamous relationship. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. I was drawn to BDSM even before I began having sex, and he’s been happily fulfilling my needs. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he’d rather show me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction—me dominating him—but I felt nervous and self-conscious. I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for first-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this?
Not Quite A Dom
There are a lot of skilled, confident BDSM tops out there—people who are exclusively dominant or switch—who got into it for the same reason you’ve started to explore your dominant side, NQAD: to please a submissive and/or switch partner.
But “show me” is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he’s having a hard time articulating his desires because he’s shy, or maybe he’s insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex—even logistically complicated sex—should just “happen naturally.”
So here’s my first tip: Force him to talk about what sort of BDSM or D/s play he’s interested in. A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter—far too much is assumed, far too often—but what goes on during a sexual encounter involving BDSM has to be specifically and explicitly negotiated. If he’s too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn’t feel comfortable sending e-mails (they live forever on a server, they can be forwarded), tell him to write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up.
Second tip: The less a newbie dom has to fake during BDSM sex, NQAD, the less daunting the role feels. Instead of pretending that you’re a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what’s really going on—your boyfriend is so submissive that he’s submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that?—into your play and dirty talk. Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you’re bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that’s causing you to fail at it.
Third tip: A blindfold is an inexperienced dom’s best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An ACE bandage will do the trick. You’ll feel much less self-conscious if he can’t see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs.
I recently made friends with a guy who is in his first sexual relationship. He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he’s informed and being safe. But he’s asked me a question about oral sex that I don’t know how to answer. What is a man supposed to do when he’s about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of “Where do you want it?” that a guy can say to a woman, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it.
Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need
When your friend is getting close—when he’s approaching “orgasmic inevitability,” as the sex researchers call it—he should say, “I’m getting close.” (Duh, right?) And just as he’s passing the point of orgasmic inevitability—his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn’t keep him from ejaculating—he should say, “I’m coming.”
At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend’s new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can leave it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She’s the decider.
I’m a 24-year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I’ve never been molested and I don’t take pills. I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it’s about as interesting as a finger in a fist. Through googling, I’ve found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it’s a surmountable mental problem—which is vague and unhelpful.
So I’m asking for the opposite. Is there scientific research about this? Is there hope? Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction?
Wrong Type Freak
“I’d recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different positions, experimenting with placing pressure on the posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix,” says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. “The best position to do all this is with her on top, controlling the speed, depth, and trajectory—for lack of a better word—of the thrusts, and pairing this with clitoral stimulation.”
If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you’ll be “engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on” before penetration.
Chivers also wonders if you’ve discovered your G-spot. “If she hasn’t found her G-spot, finding it might be a watershed moment,” says Chivers. “For some women, G-spot stim is associated with experiencing intense ‘vaginal’ orgasms and ejaculating.” Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it’s best to attempt it when you’re very aroused. “Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,” says Chivers, by using a “come here” motion with the index finger.
And if you try all of that—or if you’ve already tried that—and it doesn’t work?
“Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfilling,” says Chivers. “If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference—one that is not uncommon—and not a malfunction.”
“As for telling her partners,” says Chivers, “I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship and whether or not she’s willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her first choice on the menu.”
In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn’t cause you emotional or physical distress—if it’s something you can take or leave—tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you’re up for it, or he’s desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.
Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers—and learn from her—on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.) 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
ows!
@fakedansavage ???
WTF is that?
“At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend’s new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother.”
I lol’d at that.
Who is this “fake Dan Savage”? Or for brevity’s sake, can we just call him “San Davage”?
Yeah, where’s @therealdansavage?
Men don’t need to tell us when they’ve reaching “orgasmic inevitability.” We know when he’s getting close and we can decide whether to switch to some other option or continue as is. It is incredibly hot when he starts to make those incoherent sounds and clutches the sheets and his movements become involuntary. Yes, I enjoy it a lot but I’m doing this for him. I would hate for him to have to get out of the moment to tell me what’s obvious.
“I’m a 24 yr old straight girl” are ya sure . . .?
@5: Don’t assume that all guys are alike. Some of us are more collected or cool-headed than others. Everyone’s different in bed, and some guys might need to tell their intimate others when.
If anything, NQAD provides more evidence for presumed homsexuality than presumed heterosexuality.
An ACE bandage for a blindfold? I had a non-sexual playmate who always favoured them for restraints, and I agreed with him that they were much more comfortable than anything else I ever encountered.
And my inner cross-examiner is wondering why NQAD mentions the “loss” of virginity as such a great experience instead of saying, “He’s the only person with whom I’ve had sex,” etc. The most obvious answer would be that the BF isn’t the only person with whom NQAD has been, but then it seems as if the letter might have been different. It could just be fudgy phrasing, of course.
WTF – the thing about having something inside of you, even if it’s not moving, is it tends to make you come harder. Just because it’s there. Doesn’t have to be a dick. Could be a cucumber. But it works. Try masturbating with something inside you, don’t get all complicated and move it around, but just have it inside you. See how it goes. Give it a few tries. It’s something about giving your muscles something to hold onto. Make sure nothing breakable is directly across from you (crotch rocket alert!). And of course every guy who fucks you should be working your clit, right? Or you are if he isn’t? It’s true if you aren’t getting any clit action, for a lot of women, PIV doesn’t do much. Sort of a like a vigorous tooth brushing, but less satisfying. It’s pretty easy to fade out and start counting dead bugs trapped in the ceiling light. Don’t get all worried about it. PIV is good because of/with clit contact. If you are lucky, you might get some of those inside bits activated too. You can try to work that out on your own or find a handy man. We don’t have a lot of feeling up there for a couple of reasons (except in certain spots), so don’t get all tragic about your innards not lighting up. They aren’t supposed to. It’s the outside bits and maybe the first inch or two of depth that are of most worth for most people (hold on tight, you’ll feel it more).
WTF might also want to try positions that let her use a vibrator while being penetrated. I was like her at the beginning of my sexual life, not really enjoying penetration, but enduring it for my partner’s sake, and it sucked. Combining it with the use of the vibrator meant more lubrication, more fun, and the beginning of an association of penetration with orgasms. I still don’t come from penetration alone, but it’s a lot more fun than it used to be
WTF – also, for some reason, breathing matters. Deep slowish (I know, but try), actually seems to make a difference. Kinda weird.
Also of course, being on top. And why not give anal a whirl?
While I do realize that all men are different, I have to agree with #5. I know you’re coming, you don’t need to tell me. I would encourage the conversation of where do you want it to occur before the head of the cock passes between her lips. At least the first few times, unti lshe learns to recognize his tells. After that she can make the decision without consulting him, if she is the decider. I agree the swallow or aim that thing elsewhere should be consensual, but he should at least get a vote.
WTF needs to understand that there is nothing wrong with her. My understanding is that a lot of women don’t get much from PIV penetration. Lots of foreplay, lots of masturbation, lots of trying new positions. Also, engaging the parts of her body that she does derive sexual pleasure from during penetrative sex could help. In regards to the gspot advice (yes, Virginia, there really is a Gspot!) try having a clitoral orgasm (or 2 or 3, have a few, they’re small) before attempting to locate and stimulate the gspot–it can work like a switch, arousal can cause the gspot area to fill with fluid and become more pronounced. Maybe anal would be her cup of tea. And if she never has a just from vaginal penetration orgasm, so what? Orgasms come in all shapes and sizes, from all sorts of different stimulation. There’s no right or wrong orgasm, it really is all good.
Re WTF, I disagree with the expert’s advice to have her be on top, and instead like catballou’s advice @14 to try lots of different positions to see if any are especially fun, and to see which ones work best for clitoral stimuation. (For me, that’s doggie style — the only position where I can really get the Hitachi where I need it.)
I also like catballou’s advice to include lots of other parts of the body — during intercourse, he can nibble your earlobes, tweak your nipples, fondle your ass, insert a finger or toy into your anus…
Re NQAD, I recommend getting a copy of Dossie Easton’s The New Topping Book. And look for classes on running a scene or rope tying in your area. The classes themselves are handy, and you’ll meet people who can share ideas & tips with you.
I would also advise that, in your own head, you divide your topping activities into two categories:
A) SERVICE-TOP ACTIVITIES
These are scenes that you, the domme, are secretly doing for him, because you want to please him and help him explore this new realm of his sexuality. In these scenes, the two of you are teammates, helping figure out what flavor & intensity of BDSM he likes. Some things to try – orgasm delay or denial; nipple play; sensation / pain play (for instance, tell him you will spank him until he says yellow, and then he will get 5 more swats. You can also do a trial set for calibration where you ask him to name where each swat lies on a scale from 1 and 10.)
B) SERVICE-BOTTOM ACTIVITIES
These are to help you start to feel that topping is fun for you. Think of something you enjoy that you don’t get often enough: foot massage; back rub; oral sex, him getting you off with the vibrator, whatever. Then make him do it 🙂 If he doesn’t do it long enough, or enthusiastically enough, make him go sit in the corner until he behaves. (Don’t reward him for misbehaving by giving him fun sensation play – that teaches the wrong lesson and you’ll never feel in charge.)
Again, don’t make this distinction explicit – it’s important to act as if the Service-Top activities are just as fun for you as the Service-Bottom activities.
I also recommend avoiding punishment scenes unless it’s very playful — (“start at my toes and kiss all the way up to my ears, slowly. If you get up here in less than twenty seconds, I’ll give you ten swats on your bottom.”) That way he can “disobey” playfully, to “earn” a “punishment” that he really wants.
Another good tip for beginners: if you have the discipline, keep a journal of what you enjoyed and what didn’t work so well.
I think WTF should definitely try clit stimulation during PIV sex. I actually didn’t experience an orgasm until I tried that.
But, like some others have said, she doesn’t have to be on top for the guy to reach her clit (my ex actually said it was difficult to reach in that position). One really comfortable position to try is placing your knees over his hip while lying down (her on her back, him on his side, facing her). That gives him easy access to the clit while thrusting and lets both people lie down.
While NQAD’s boyfriend probably is just embarrassed to talk about his kinky interests, there is another possibility. For at least some submissives, being asked “How do you want me to dominate you?” is a huge, mood-killing turn-off. As unfair as may be to your non-dominant GGG partner, having to tell them “I want you dominate me by doing XYZ” can totally undermine the feeling that they’re dominant and in control.
@5 I’ve definitely been with quiet-cumming guys before. I would never get into a relationship with one, but I’ve had enough one-night stands to know that not every guy gets involuntarily twitchy and vocalize-y when he’s near orgasm. He may just close his eyes, which you won’t notice if you’re sucking his dick.
I’d be pretty pissed if a guy came in my mouth without warning me! I think it’s better to discuss “where do you want me to cum?” beforehand. I usually aim it at my chest for a one-night stand.
I liked Dan’s advice to WTF, which is essentially, keep experimenting, and don’t worry that there’s something wrong physically or mentally if vaginal never does much for you. I only come from clitoral stimulation (like so many women) but I do get a lot of pleasure from vaginal penetration. But how much pleasure depends on the position. My partner can shift just a bit and the intensity of sensation can drop from 60 to nearly zero. And size can matter a bit (sorry)–I had a partner with a pretty wide cock and that consistently provided more stimulation and sensation (however, my current partner, while slightly less endowed, overall provides MUCH more stimulation and pleasure, just in other ways). So, keep trying the angles and see what it’s like when you have different partners.
I’ve seldom been able to tell when a guy is going to come from a blow job, and if you’re not using a condom then it is often pleasant to have some warning, yes. It’s also nice to have feedback throughout! If he says “yes, keep doing that,” then I keep doing that, and if some other action gets no special response, I tend to stop doing it. It’s more fun for me when I know what things are causing the guy to have fun.
WTF, totally agree with the suggestions to experiment, relax, and stop thinking that something is wrong with you. I’d add: don’t think so much of the clitoral and vaginal as different and separate orgasms. There’s no steel wall between them, or between the sensations they produce. When I first started having sex, I never had orgasms centered around or beginning in the vagina. Over time, that changed, and now I almost always do. A lot of factors can change over time and affect the experiences you have. As long as you’re having fun, I wouldn’t worry about it. Just experiment and enjoy it.
I may have to break down and finally get a Twitter account.
http://www.bilerico.com/2011//dan_savage…
Dan, who wrote:
Been there, done that. By your choice of words alone, Dan, you’ve made me smile in this dreadfullly cold November morning here.
To NQAD: one thing that worked with some submissive girlfriends of mine who were also surprised by me having submissive desires was to play some little, non-threatening games. For instance, the kissing game: I pretend I really want to kiss her, and she says “no!” dramatically, until I “earn” the right to kiss her — either at a whim, or by doing something else (even something non-sexual, like washing the dishes) that pleased her. Then she’d say “you’ve earned your kiss” and we’d share a big vanilla romantic kiss.
That sort of made the mindset of dominance easier for said girlfriends to parse and relate to. Later on, things could evolve, depending on each girl’s own interests and level of comfort.
To WTF: curiously enough, there are also men for whom the penis-in-vagina (PIV) traditional type of intercourse isn’t so rewarding. I’m one of those. PIV sex can be fun, but it takes (for me at least) too much effort for too little sensation. I usually do it at the behest of my female partner (despite the claim — or fact — that many women can’t orgasm for PIV intercourse alone, I’ve noticed most girlfriends I had wanted, sometimes even demanded, it).
Maybe finding such a guy — who wouldn’t be so fixated on ejaculating in your vagina — would be a possibility for you? Or are you rather more interested in trying to make PIV sex worthwhile for you? (I’ve learned a few tricks, but of course they’d work only on men who don’t like PIV sex, not on women).
I had that lack of interest in vaginal intercourse thing going on for a long time. I thought I was a dyke even due to this. Then I discovered men who enjoyed and were proficient at giving oral sex. Never mind that dyke thought 😉 I never thought of it as a malfunction tho; I just figured I was one of the majority of women who don’t get off that way.
I should note, about 10 years after I discovered that oral was how to get me off, I met a guy who did get me off from sex. He never made it his mission, he never treated me like I was broken, we never “worked on it” just one day while fucking everything went right and it happened. And after a couple of years, we even got really good at making it happen. Good enough that I married him.
@25(wendykh), how sweet! 🙂
I should also add even while not orgasming from PIV, and it really not having much more sensation than a warm sensual massage at most, I craved it and yes, like 24 says, was one of those women who really “needed” it for sex to feel complete. I just really dug the sensation of a good pounding and knowing my partner was into me. Which leads me to wonder if WTF is simply not orgasming from it, doesn’t find it that exciting, or has an outright aversion to it. It’s not clear from her letter. I would have freaked out personally to be with a guy who didn’t want to fuck even tho I personally wasn’t into it in the way I thought I should be.
Oh and go fig, when I did finally start orgasming from PIV and loving it? Plain ol’ missionary. And it’s the only way I can get there too that I have found thus far, about 7 years in.
Finally, I find it a bit weird WTF chose Dan of all sex columnists to write to about this. I only say that because I remember feeling super inadequate until I had the chance to meet and spend time with a female sex columnist here who very regularly let women know most women can’t/don’t come from PIV and don’t feel bad about it. She really was inspirational to me. So I find it strange I have to say that WTF is not only going to a man, but a gay man who has a rather well known pussy aversion, to get advice on this. I just really think there might be better places out there?
Aaaaaaaand, time to spam about my book again. The Orgasmic Diet. Will help wake up the sleeping vagina. Give it six weeks.
Re LW3: There is no such thing as a “G-Spot”: it’s a myth invented by straight men so that they can claim that a woman should be satisfied by vaginal penetration only, without clitoral stimulation. (Female ejaculation is similarly a myth: human females do not have a gland with which to produce ejaculate.)
Needing clitoral stimulation is not a “malfunction” for a woman any more than needing penile stimulation is for a male. The clitoris IS the source of the female orgasm.
If your bf is unwilling to take care of your orgasmic needs because he’s avoiding your clitoris, then it’s time to move on to someone who’s mature enough to consider your needs equal to his own.
@NQAD
When my BF and I were first incorporating a little BDSM into our relationship he came up with a fun game that gave me the experience of submitting while still having a lot of control:
He had two glasses of wine – one, the cup of pleasure, and the other the cup of pain. I continually chose which one I wanted to drink from. If the cup of pain, I got held down, spanked or whipped, if the cup of pleasure, he stroked, kissed or went down on me, maintaining his dominant character. Repeat for as long as both parties are enjoying it, then stop/ fuck/cuddle/whatever. I could request pain as many times in a row as I felt good with it, then switch to pleasure when I needed a break. Very loving, continually consensual, a fun and gradual introduction to the possibilities, with a continual reassessing of boundaries all as part of the scene, with the option to switch to vanilla at any point.
NQAD could try something like that, to get a feel for her boyfriend’s preferences very safely for both of them – after first discussing things and thoroughly establishing important preferences and boundaries as well, of course. This kind of game can give you safety for your boyfriend to demonstrate his capacity for pain/submission, without you worrying you’re going to go too far, or pushing him into things he doesn’t like. As this side of your relationship develops, you can gradually increase the intensity of the activities (if you want to) when you begin to feel confident that you know his needs and limits. And I second Dan’s blindfold suggestion, to help you maintain your role, until you’re confident!
But he does have to discuss things with you. Important things you NEED to know may include: Is he happy wearing a blindfold? Is he happy to be physically restrained? Does his pleasure come from pain, or only from the idea of being obedient? Are there parts of his body that, if struck, produce a bad, unsafe sense of vulnerability, as opposed to a fulfilling, exciting one? If he likes pain, what degree of pain is ok for him? What degree of helplessness/vulnerability does he want to experience? How far does he want his mistress to help him push his boundaries? Does he have emotional triggers you should be aware of? Until you are confident that you know what he needs and can cope with, he needs to be telling you these things.
@14: what a helpful, practical, concise and friendly bunch of advices! Thank you for taking the time. I’m sure any kink newbie in the LW’s position will appreciate it.
le sigh. i’m sure it’s been said in previous comments but there is NOTHING wrong with you if you just can’t come from vaginal penetration.
actually, that is the norm. all these people telling you that you can learn… well they may be right but why make it the be all and end all? and the end effect is to make you feel inadequate when an equally plausible explanation is that your lover is not very competent.
Um. The G-spot is not a myth. Sure, we don’t really know shit about it, but I most certainly have one. Clearly you don’t.
To the woman who doesn’t enjoy PIV sex: that may just be how it’s going to be, or it may be because you haven’t had good experiences. My first several encounters with PIV were SOOO boring and disappointing I cried for like a day. PIV sex, with the right partner and knowledge about my body, became an ridiculously awesome source of pleasure that has only increased over the years.
But again, as other have said here, there are sooo many other ways to have sex, feel good, and get off.
Great advice to WTF both in the column and within the forum already.
I would only add that, if she’s in the exploratory phase, I would have a clitoral orgasm first before exploring different positions or trying G-spot diving. I too “evolved” to now getting my G-spot in the game as early as possible, but in my early 20s I was one of those fear-consumed fools who didn’t think it existed. It was only after I started thinking of the first orgasm as a warm-up, or really a gateway to something far more intense, that things started to change for me.
The advice too of inserting something *without* thrusting (especially if you use it to put sustained pressure on the G-Spot) is, ahem, spot on. If my partner does that shit with hands or toys and then fucks me I go ballistic. Thinking that also makes me think back, with a kind of fondness actually, of that fear-driven fool I was in my 20s who insisted that all women in porn who carry on like that were faking. Ah, to be young again…
@29 I feel genuinely sorry for you. Truly.
It would be nice if Savage could have one forum on female sexuality where we didn’t have to spend time, yet again (ffs!), having to prove that G-spots and female ejaculation are real. If it’s this fear-driven and denial-laden in Savage’s corner of the world, which should by definition self-select for more sex-positive and open people (plus trolls), I really despair for women elsewhere.
The first question, with the key fumbling, giggling, etc… makes me hungry to hear more of these. Like BSDM–for lack of a better word–bloopers.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
@29
You are a moron.
Just because YOU personally have never experienced stimulation of your G-Spot or ejaculation doesn’t mean that other women can’t.
Maybe you should look into the vast amount of scientific research proving both a G-Spot and female ejaculation THAT SHE SPECIFICALLY ASKED ABOUT before giving unsolicited advice. Yes, she asked for advice, but she didn’t ask YOU for advice, she asked someone who professionally gave advice and also provided a doctor with a degree specifically in sexology to fill in any blanks he had.
Educate your ignorant self before telling someone she should end her relationship, a relationship she MAY NOT EVEN HAVE, as she only mentioned hypothetical partners; she never referenced a real person.
@35
It would be a good idea for him to have a page that compiles scientific studies on sexuality and summarizes them for us general folk, with links to the actual studies if someone wants more information.
@29 That seems to be the most up to date sexual finding, from what I can determine. I suspect women’s physical situation is more complicated than has been determined at this point. I say that because our equipment is just more complicated and I think the research, particularly for women’s sexuality, is in its infancy.
I don’t believe there is a G spot either, at least not with anything like the results from clit stimulation. I know that for me, PIV sex generally creates such a stretch in my entire crotch area that I can’t even successfully stimulate my clit at the same time.
I certainly can sympathize with WTF. Inability to come from vaginal sex was a major source of disappointment to me for a long time. I feel such a strong desire for penetration, but then the completion just doesn’t happen that way.
I felt inadequate that men had to do so much work and such careful manipulation to get me off. I resented myself for this situation, not them.
Over time I found that I had to actually adapt my body into the discomfort of intercourse before the pain and irritation didn’t drop me out of arousal completely. Now I can sometimes have a vaginal orgasm from hard, thrusting penetration, although it’s never as big a reaction as a clitoral orgasm.
My tips: Dildos of varying sizes with Gallons of lube. VIBRATORS of every kind. Find a guy who is GGG, and a *willing communicator*. Above all, forgive your body for not behaving like the unrealistic ones you read about in romance novels. Practice delayed satisfaction.
Besides couple foreplay, if you get aroused by reading graphic romance novels, looking at pictures of sex, or viewing porn, do that as well. You can even try writing your own porn as I did. It’s the best way to customize precisely what mental images get you in the mood.
If I was rich enough, I’d finance some really good women’s porn films. I suspect I’d quickly become one of the 1% . LOL
@29
Gotta join @33 and @37 on this one–the G-spot is real. Perhaps not all women have one, or perhaps a lot of women have a hard time finding theirs, but it’s not a myth.
It is, however, awfully obtuse of you to tell women who have G-spots or are able to ejaculate that these things simply “aren’t real.” What, are we crazy? Imagining things? When I am able to come hard–and easily– from penetration alone, is this some kind of psychological anomaly? Fuck that, @29. It’s bullshit like this that gives feminism a bad name; not everything is a plot by evil straight men to control us.
I feel WTF’s pain. I, for years, hated vaginal penetration. Particularly if I wasn’t “warmed up” enough. It kinda hurt and I certainly never came from just the penetration. Here’s what worked for me. I bought a dildo. Not exactly a vibrator, though it did vibrate, more of a jelly-fleshy like thing shaped generally like a penis, and not a huge penis, but a regular one. I would start masturbating with only clitoral stimulation and when I was particularly aroused, I would insert the dildo and just do what felt good, sometimes thrusting, sometimes just keeping it in there and continuing clitoral stimulation. And I started having the most intense, squirty orgasms of my life. And now with my boyfriend, vaginal sex feels good and while I still need intense amounts of foreplay and clitoral stimulation, at least I can come during vaginal penetration. Also, being on top, even with the dildo, is key.
Also, to poster who disbelieves the existence of g-spots and female ejaculation, the science is most definitely not on your side. Dan wrote about this eons ago, but a study was conducted on the chemical composition of female ejaculate and it was NOT urine.
@29: babby’s first troll
@25 & @27 — Me, too. All of sudden, it was great. I had passed my 30th birthday. Maybe it was purely physical or maybe I had just become comfortable in my own skin, but PIV is wonderful and now I know what all the fuss is about.
“(Female ejaculation is similarly a myth: human females do not have a gland with which to produce ejaculate.)”
Clearly you have never had (or been) a lover who has female ejaculated: it is *quite* real. (and delightful :).
@8–
It’s true that “virginity loss” is sex-negative terminology. The preferred term in reproductive health practice is “sexual debut.”
This might not be true with all, but every time a girl didn’t want me to cum in her mouth she said so before the blowjob. Just a quick “hey, by the way, tell me when you’re about to cum, I don’t want it in my mouth”. Every girl that was ok with it said nothing and just went down. Like others said, it’s not hard to tell when a guy is about to blow a load.
I wonder if Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need is a Doctor Who fan.
@45
I agree with everyone who’s been saying that it’s not hard to tell when a guy’s about to come–in general. The first few times you fuck someone, it’s just good manners to let the person know when you’re about to come. I can usually tell, but I always appreciate the heads up (ugh, no pun intended).
Do we know that #29 is female?
@19 WHAT?? There are women out there that have FUN giving blow jobs? where can i find one?? All too rare (and valuable)
I used to be so bored by vaginal intercourse that I thought I was a lesbian. But then I actually started dating a guy who has the perfect penis (not too big, not too small), the perfect touch, and the perfect style. Now I am gooey wet without any foreplay and I initiate vaginal intercourse twice a day. I love it. Maybe she just hasn’t found the right dick yet.