I’m 21 years old and in a monogamous relationship. I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, and it was a really great experience. I was drawn to BDSM even before I began having sex, and he’s been happily fulfilling my needs. However, he revealed fairly early on that he also enjoys being submissive during sex. I asked him to explain what sort of dominance he was looking for, but he said he’d rather show me. Recently he tried to steer a sex session in that direction—me dominating him—but I felt nervous and self-conscious. I felt like I was failing a pop quiz. How do I become more comfortable with being a dom? Any tips for first-time doms? Or am I just not cut out for this?
Not Quite A Dom
There are a lot of skilled, confident BDSM tops out there—people who are exclusively dominant or switch—who got into it for the same reason you’ve started to explore your dominant side, NQAD: to please a submissive and/or switch partner.
But “show me” is not how a couple incorporates BDSM into their sex life. Maybe he’s having a hard time articulating his desires because he’s shy, or maybe he’s insecure, or maybe he mistakenly believes that sex—even logistically complicated sex—should just “happen naturally.”
So here’s my first tip: Force him to talk about what sort of BDSM or D/s play he’s interested in. A lot can be assumed during a strictly vanilla sexual encounter—far too much is assumed, far too often—but what goes on during a sexual encounter involving BDSM has to be specifically and explicitly negotiated. If he’s too shy to have a face-to-face conversation about his kinks, do it over e-mail. If he doesn’t feel comfortable sending e-mails (they live forever on a server, they can be forwarded), tell him to write you a letter, read it in his presence, then tear it up.
Second tip: The less a newbie dom has to fake during BDSM sex, NQAD, the less daunting the role feels. Instead of pretending that you’re a menacing and experienced dom, incorporate what’s really going on—your boyfriend is so submissive that he’s submitting to his submissive girlfriend, and how perverted is that?—into your play and dirty talk. Then your unfamiliarity with the dom role becomes something you’re bringing to the scene, NQAD, not something that’s causing you to fail at it.
Third tip: A blindfold is an inexperienced dom’s best friend. Not ready to visit your local BDSM sex shoppe? An ACE bandage will do the trick. You’ll feel much less self-conscious if he can’t see you fumbling with rope, suppressing a nervous giggle, or searching high and low for a mislaid key to the handcuffs.
I recently made friends with a guy who is in his first sexual relationship. He comes to me, his best male buddy, with questions, and I try to make sure he’s informed and being safe. But he’s asked me a question about oral sex that I don’t know how to answer. What is a man supposed to do when he’s about to ejaculate during oral sex? I feel like there should be a polite version of “Where do you want it?” that a guy can say to a woman, but I’ll be damned if I can think of it.
Sexual Advice Xactly Our Need
When your friend is getting close—when he’s approaching “orgasmic inevitability,” as the sex researchers call it—he should say, “I’m getting close.” (Duh, right?) And just as he’s passing the point of orgasmic inevitability—his mother kicking down the bedroom door and leading a SWAT team into the room couldn’t keep him from ejaculating—he should say, “I’m coming.”
At that moment, the blowjob bestower—your friend’s new GF, in this case—can remove the dick from her mouth and point it at her tits or over her shoulder or at his mother. Or she can leave it in her mouth, let him come, and then decide if she wants to spit or swallow. She’s the decider.
I’m a 24-year-old straight girl, and vaginal sex does nothing for me. I’ve never been molested and I don’t take pills. I feel sexual pleasure in other parts of my body and experience clitoral orgasms, but as far as getting fucked by a dick goes, it’s about as interesting as a finger in a fist. Through googling, I’ve found others with this issue, and the general response to us seems to be that it’s a surmountable mental problem—which is vague and unhelpful.
So I’m asking for the opposite. Is there scientific research about this? Is there hope? Or do I just have to learn to deal? It is lonely and depressing to experience the gold standard that is vaginal sex as a kind of animate masturbatory aid. Also, at what point do I tell my partners I have this malfunction?
Wrong Type Freak
“I’d recommend that she spend some time exploring her vagina, trying different positions, experimenting with placing pressure on the posterior and anterior walls of her vagina, and with friction on her cervix,” says Meredith Chivers, an assistant professor of psychology, a clinical psychologist, and a sexuality researcher at Queens University in Kingston, Ontario. “The best position to do all this is with her on top, controlling the speed, depth, and trajectory—for lack of a better word—of the thrusts, and pairing this with clitoral stimulation.”
If you decide to give vaginal intercourse another shot, Chivers also recommends that you warm up with lots of oral sex, toys, masturbation, and the other stuff you enjoy. That way you’ll be “engorged, erect, and lubricated, and subjectively turned on” before penetration.
Chivers also wonders if you’ve discovered your G-spot. “If she hasn’t found her G-spot, finding it might be a watershed moment,” says Chivers. “For some women, G-spot stim is associated with experiencing intense ‘vaginal’ orgasms and ejaculating.” Finding the G-spot can be tricky, Chivers adds, and it’s best to attempt it when you’re very aroused. “Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,” says Chivers, by using a “come here” motion with the index finger.
And if you try all of that—or if you’ve already tried that—and it doesn’t work?
“Perhaps it simply is the case that for her, like a substantial minority of women, vaginal penetration is not all that fulfilling,” says Chivers. “If so, I would strongly recommend that she reinterpret her lack of interest in vaginal sex as a preference—one that is not uncommon—and not a malfunction.”
“As for telling her partners,” says Chivers, “I suppose it depends on the nature of the relationship and whether or not she’s willing to be GGG and have vaginal sex to satisfy her partner, even though this may not be her first choice on the menu.”
In other words, WTF, if penetration doesn’t cause you emotional or physical distress—if it’s something you can take or leave—tell a new partner early on about your strong preference for other forms of sex. Then indulge the dude in vaginal intercourse when you’re up for it, or he’s desperate for it, while incorporating lots of clitoral stimulation during the act.
Meredith Chivers tweets on sex and gender research, sociopolitical issues relating to sexual and gender minorities, and psych research in general. Follow Chivers—and learn from her—on Twitter @QSagelab. (And you can follow me at @fakedansavage.) 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
NQAD: Talking about sex is part of having [good] sex. Therefore, as your boyfriend’s dom, you could try ordering him to tell you what he wants as part of your play.
16 said that for many subs, telling your partner what to do to you can undermine the feeling of being dominated. But what if you framed it more like this: you’re commanding him to make himself vulnerable by confessing his fantasies to you. Speaking for myself, being pressured to share my secret desires, rather than revealing them on my own time, is a very vulnerable experience. It would definitely feel like a power game if somebody did that to me. Your boyfriend might get off on that feeling.
@50: You GO, girl!! I envy you!!! Better hang on to him!
WTF – it might also get better as you get older. I also had a “meh” feeling about penetration when I was younger. Vaginal orgasms were out of the question. But I really felt like my body “learned” or “made more connections” down there as I aged. All you teens or 20-somethings: I mean it! Be patient, but don’t be afraid to tell your men to focus on other kinds of orgasms in the meantime. Your 30’s might be your decade of vaginal epiphany.
But hey – if that doesn’t happen there’s nothing wrong with that. You got your clit and tits and all other sorts of things to play with.
@38: “Above all, forgive your body for not behaving like the unrealistic ones you read about in romance novels.”
Be very careful about dubbing anyone’s sexuality as “unrealistic”. There’s a whole continuum of orgasmic response, ranging from complete anorgasmia to multiples-at-the-drop-of-a-hat. The picture in romance novels may seem idealized, but it represents some people’s reality.
I’ve noticed that people who struggle with their sexual response like to dismiss the experiences of more responsive people who reach orgasm easily from a variety of stimulation. After a while, it really does start to sound like sour grapes (not saying you did this, though other posters are hinting that way).
Most women can’t come during vaginal sex. That last girl shouldn’t be so concerned.
NQAD: Extending what #52 said, you might even try an interrogation scene. Simply tie him up and give him a soft, slow, well-lubed handjob while you “interview” him about his naughty little submissive fantasies. Tone of voice can be whatever you feel will get the most erotic response out of him, but if in doubt, start out professional with a hint of sensuality. Stroke him while he’s still compliant, coherent and clear-speaking and pause if he lapses or if he gets too close to orgasm. There’s no hurry. You will probably notice him becoming more subby as the scene continues. If he has any fetishes you know about, consider making use of them. Applying an exam glove before you start can help set the scene and will ease cleanup afterward. It’s your call whether he comes at the end or not, but I recommend going with the opposite of what you think he’d prefer.
Big caution about this type of scenario: just like in official interrogations, information obtained may be unreliable and should be verified before use. He might get a bit ahead of his actual readiness level; note these in your head for later. He might say things he think will please you; a hand gently closed around his balls accompanied by “It’ll be much easier if you only tell me the truth” can dissuade that behavior.
I can get off from vaginal stimulation, but usually only after being extensively warmed up. The one exception is when my partner and I have sex laying on the side and he enters from behind – it means his hands are free to do whatever they want, and since I’m not either moving his weight or mine, I can go as fast or hard as I want. Win win for both of us.
I get all twitchy and shit when the deluge is forthcoming, but even if I didn’t I’d fake it out of courtesy for the person kind enough to suck my cock to orgasm. (It’s just good manners people.) Additionally, asking her where she wants it is a lovely opportunity to engage in some exciting banter. 🙂
@29: Hey, 1990 called. They want their sex theory back. I’m currently with a woman whose G-spot sensitivity and squirting are things of amazement which just can’t be faked.
@55: Such a response may indeed exist, but because it is a statistical outlier, it is therefore “unrealistic” to expect most people to respond in that fashion. They aren’t saying you specifically are an “unrealistic” actress in bed because you happen to come like a Harlequin heroine.
Anybody who is told that, for example, multiple orgasm is “unrealistic,” thinks to herself “Well, I’m multiply orgasmic,” and ends up feeling delegitimized by that should go see someone about her self-esteem issues. That’s roughly the same as feeling bad about getting all A’s in school when it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to. It would be silly to feel anything but (quietly) pleased with yourself.
WTF: You should also know that there are males out there (myself included)that just aren’t that turned on by vaginal. Everyone else seems game and I’ve gone along, but I find it can’t really stand up to intense foreplay or other options.
So find the things you do like, and don’t be able to tell your partners about them! Some guy may simply breathe a sigh of relief and just say, “yea, me neither.”
@30 – great ideas!
@31 – thank you!
@57 – hot!
@40 “Also, being on top, even with the dildo, is key.” – Could you describe how that works with the dildo? Are you squatting or kneeling, or lying down on your stomach? And do you remove the dildo before squirting? And if so, do you remove it before you start to feel the approach of the inevitable orgasm, or after?
@49 many, many women in America love giving blowjobs. Try asking passionately for blowjobs and show your pleasure by moaning while she does it. Also give her sex acts in return that she asks for and loves. Then dump any woman who doesn’t have fun with both giving and receiving – in other words, stand up for yourself and take your sexual desires (and hers) seriously.
@29
Oh, honey…
Are you just sad your man can’t find yours? Why don’t you go whip yourself up a batch of cookies and make yourself feel better. A bit of sugar might calm down your wacky conspiracy theories.
Moving on: some women absolutely CAN be satisfied from vaginal penetration alone (no fingers! no vibrator!) and some of these women even forgo receiving oral sex because they’d much much much prefer get to the good part and skip ahead to getting pounded. Yeah, hi.
@Erica
I’m sorry, you think women who don’t enjoy receiving oral sex should get dumped? Dislike.
Um…you gotta RUB your clit while he’s bangin’ ya. Most women are like that – there is NOTHING wrong with you! Dan should have stressed that more! And sex expert is stupid!
@64 — nope. read it again. I’m telling him to figure out what sex acts she loves, and give her lots of that. I’m not referring to receiving oral sex, but receiving sexual pleasure, by whatever means works for that woman. And, yes, I think men-who-love-receiving-sexual-pleasure should dump women-who-don’t-love-receiving-sexual-pleasure. My experience is that sex has to be about both people’s pleasure (simultaneously or in turns), or it will shrivel up and die.
I could take or leave vaginal penetration. Then I reached my sexual peak and found my position (from behind, with my head hanging over the edge of the bed), and it makes me SCREAM. So there’s still hope.
@66
I’m on board with that.
I find that men who LOVE giving oral have a certain vibe that I find reeeeeally unattractive.
You’re right though, I agree. 🙂
@46 (blackmoreinc): Haha, I had the same thought! *fistbump*
As to NQAD: If you’re finding it hard to shake off your own submissiveness, think of the whole dominating-him thing as a service to him. He clearly wants it, so you’re actually submitting to his desires by being dominant. Yes, it’s convoluted, and that’s why BDSM is fun!
@48
29 is female. This is not her first comment and if you go to her profile you can see that other comments of hers mention that she is female. Unless, of course, 41 is right; trolling is done by both sexes.
WTF Dan — really? You didn’t tell her that it’s not a malfunction. It’s actually more normal than not!! Most women rarely or never have an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. I’m 32 and have been sexually active since I was 18. I’ve done it in every single position and at every angle. And I have never had an orgasm from vaginal stimulation. Which is actually totally normal. Every study I’ve ever read (many) say that somewhere between 70-90% of women have the same experience. And not every woman has a g-spot. In fact, many sex researchers would to as far as to say most women don’t have a g-spot. I know I don’t have one. The only orgasms I’ve had were from some kind of clitoral stimulation. Like most women. Which makes sense — the clitoris and the penis are made out of the same tissue. Even women who do have vaginal orgasms usually have them because of some kind of indirect clitoral stimulation. You’re usually awesome Dan. But I think you talked to the wrong expert about this one. Your last couple of paragraphs were the only ones you really needed. And I don’t even think she needs to tell her partners as if this is some kind of “malfunction” or unusual thing she has. Most guys already know this if they’ve had sex with a few women since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm! And if they don’t know yet, then she can teach them — not just about her, but about normal female sexual response. Then the next girl won’t have to explain it to them!
I’m built like WTF and I don’t think I’m a freak, I think a lot of women are like that. We’re brainwashed by porn to believe that a woman’s favourite sex act is penetration.
@72
Ugh. I’ve never watched straight porn in my life and penetration is my favourite sex act by a million miles. Disagree.
If you don’t like it, that’s fine, but just leave it at that.
@71
caliclimbgirl, when you say that orgasm from penetration comes from “indirect clitoral stimulation,” you’re right…sort of. The current research says that what is traditionally considered the clitoris is the external portion of a much larger organ, which extends across the labia and surrounds the wall of the vagina. In that case, it’s not indirect stimulation at all.
I don’t think Dan pushed the idea that this girl is somehow malfunctioning, because it’s true that many women never come from penetration alone. However (and I think some of the comments here will back me up on this), just because a woman hasn’t really enjoyed vaginal penetration doesn’t mean that she can’t enjoy it. It’s not helpful to make a big deal out of it either way, but I don’t think your approach is particularly helpful either:
Most guys already know this if they’ve had sex with a few women since most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm! And if they don’t know yet, then she can teach them — not just about her, but about normal female sexual response.
Soooo…it’s those crazy G-spot bitches who are abnormal, is it? The average straight guy should be aware of all varieties of “normal” in female sexuality. And women who have yet to come from vaginal intercourse shouldn’t close themselves to the possibility, because their bodies might surprise them down the road (see @25, @27, @42 and @50).
@55
Yes.
@60
Disagree.
It does feel like a put down when people try to say that the way you are is some fictional thing created by porn and real women aren’t that way. I’m a skinny girl who is proportionately well endowed in the breast department, and I hear women say all the time about how that combo is “not natural” and only happens from plastic surgery and it’s just a male fantasy and blah blah blah. And it’s not just that, I also prefer PIV to all other sex acts (which several women here have said is a made up male thing) and I am very vocal and etc etc etc.
It is eventually somewhat upsetting to hear, especially when it feels so constant.
Most of the time I’m able to shrug it off and just assume people are jealous or it’s sour grapes as 50 said but that takes quite a bit of ego to sustain and even a person with a healthy self esteem might struggle to come to that conclusion each and every time.
“Stimulate the anterior wall of the vagina (side nearest the belly button) about five centimeters in,”
Or not.
Everyone I’ve ever known who likes g-spot stimulation – and especially those who have huge gushing g-spot orgasms – have their g-spots at or very near the vaginal entrance (again, at the top, but this is the only correlation). Just like I’ve always been told, it’s a spongy spot, but it’s position can vary fairly widely in my experience.
I still need to read the rest of the comments, but a bit of advice for NQAD: If he isn’t comfortable just sitting down and telling you, have him describe it to you like a sexy fantasy (possibly during mutual masturbation). You can even “order” him to describe a fantasy. That might make it sexier for him than feeling like he’s handing you a script. When i first started subbing, I felt like it might tell the fun out to have to tell the dom what do do, so I just told them my (realistic) fantasies while making out. Good Luck!
Hey WTF, try not to stress about this. You’re normal. And I promise you that sex changes a lot for most women from your early 20’s – your 30’s.
A big part of it, I have to say, is that the men you will be with will be more experienced and better lovers.
When I was your age I thought PiV sex was fun, but not terriby exciting. Or particularly orgasmic. Now the kind of orgasm I recieve via PiV is earth shattering. It just takes some time. Have some fun on your own with a toy, when the pressure’s off, to see what you like, and find a guy who’s dick fits you well, and whose sexual cadence matches what yours. It’ll happen, I promise.
I’ve got a question: I find it better to stimulate a woman’s G-spot with the middle finger…seems to be easier and with a better orientation than the index finger. Perhaps a stupid observation, but do other people feel the same?
my husband tried to stimulate my gspot once and it was just intensely uncomfortable. he’s doing it wrong? or i don’t have one? or should i be further along in the process than just-got-undressed? in any case, i was not encouraged.
@80 You need to be really turned on already. Further along in the process, yes.
@79: Hmmmmmmm…..MIDDLE finger vaginal & G-spot stimulation…
Thanks! I’ll try that!
@80, @81 has a good point, but even then, I have to be rather gentle about it. Too much poking in that area can be VERY painful to me, and I normally come VERY easily from purely vaginal sex. I think it just depends on the person, though it can be better when I’m further along.
I also suggest girl-on-top for trying it, because you have greater control (to keep it from being too much, or too poke-y).
@40 let’s see that study.
Any moron can tell that it’s just pee.
Try this: mysexlifewithlola.wordpress.com
29 does have a point. If a guy refuses to touch the clitoris and tells his girlfriend she should be able to come from PIV alone, without foreplay, she has a very good reason to DTMFA.
@60: To me, it seems like women who aren’t highly orgasmic push hard to have THEIR version of reality construed as normative, and the women who are highly orgasmic branded as “outliers”. Yet that statistical curve doesn’t match up with my experience AT ALL. Should we construct an image of women’s sexuality that emphasizes the low-response end of the continuum, just to keep some women from feeling bad?
It’s no secret that many women who have a hard time getting off, and who don’t enjoy it all that much when they do, resent intensely multiorgasmic women. Some will even accuse multiorgasmic women of lying — of making it up to please a man, or for the sake of theatrics or status, or whatever. They’re usually the ones who pop up saying that the G-spot isn’t real, that clitoral stimulation is the ONLY way, that if a woman claims to have an orgasm from just PIV then she’s faking it, and so on. Why? Because that’s THEIR experience…but not everyone’s, or even most women’s. But they want their experience to be normative, because otherwise they have to acknowledge that their dissatisfaction isn’t universal.
I don’t think sexology has caught up to reality in this department. We’ve gone from the Freudian perspective, which says that PIV is everything in order to reinforce normative heterosexuality, to the second-wave feminist perspective of the 1970s, which says that PIV is nothing in order to destroy normative heterosexuality. Both perspectives are fatally flawed, and both have deep-seated political agendas, but sexology is dominated by the latter — and researchers have a habit of finding what they’re already looking for.
“She’s the decider”. I’m sorry to disagree with you, Dan, but it’s common knowledge that George W. Bush is the decider. I’ve even heard him say it more than just a few times. Even though I’ve got Dubya on my speed dial, he never seems to be available for a decision in time. Another thing, I’ve also heard Dubya call himself the “dick tater”. Exactly what is a “dick tater”? Is it like a genital wart or something? Anybody who knows, please jump right in!
@52, @57 and @72 are correct, NQAD. Tie that boy up and tell him to start spilling – if he does tell you a real fantasy, rub his dick a little and if he doesn’t, threaten to smack it one. A light smack on his cock and a promise to hit a little harder the next time (and the time after that) is very motivational (just don’t hit too hard leaving bruises is bad).
Promise him that you’ll let him orgasm if he tells you the truth and threaten that he’ll get nothing for a week (or longer) if he doesn’t tell you everything.
Ask him what he wants you to call him – his name, maybe, or ‘boy’, ‘toy’, ‘slut’, perhaps? Ask him to tell you exactly how he intends to serve you – his fantasy might be to lick you to orgasm, be ‘forced’ to cook you dinner or to just be utterly passive while subjected to whatever your cruel whims are. Ask how you should punish him when he is bad. Ask how you could reward him when he is good. Make him tell you a fantasy he jacks off to. And watch which questions/ answers make him hard.
Happy Topping!
@88 – the Mayo Clinic says: “Although some women can reach orgasm during intercourse, many women find it easier and actually prefer to achieve orgasm through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris.” http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/female-…
When you say “that statistical curve doesn’t match up with my experience AT ALL.” – do you mean that the studies you have done of thousands of women reveal that most are highly orgasmic? Or do you mean that your twenty best friends tell you they are highly orgasmic?
@78 – It seems foolish to promise her that she’ll eventually have earth-shattering orgasms from PIV sex. People are different. A 2005 twin study “found that between 34 and 45% of the variation in ability to orgasm can be explained by underlying genetic variation.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/461689…
Just to be clear, I think it is great for multiorgasmic women, ejaculating women, or women who come easily from PIV, to tell us about their experiences and to expect to be taken seriously and not be accused of lying.
But I think it’s odd for them to act as if they are the norm, rather than roughly a standard deviation away from the norm. (Not an outlier; I’d reserve that for someone who regularly squirted, multiple times, from PIV alone. Like someone on the other end who wasn’t able to orgasm by any means at all, even after taking a class on the subject with Betty Dodson…)
I would so welcome some comments in depth from Mr Ank on Dump Culture.
@91: I don’t really think your question is sincere, so I’m not interested in answering it. On the topic of medical studies, though, it would be worth reading some of the recent articles that have been published (The New Yorker had a pretty good one) about how many of them have turned out to be 100% bogus. You wouldn’t be referencing the Mayo Clinic if it weren’t telling you what you wanted to hear.
Female sexuality is extraordinarily complicated, and depends massively on physical, emotional, and psychological factors which make quantitative study almost impossible. The same woman who thinks that she needs twenty minutes of intense clitoral stimulation to have a basically unsatisfying orgasm with a guy she doesn’t love, can suddenly become powerfully multiorgasmic from PIV (or dildo-in-vagina) if she’s with the right partner who has the right penis/dildo, and they’re passionately in love, and she works through whatever issues made her predisposed to not want to let go 100%.
Or not: some people never reach that point, and maybe never will, and maybe they don’t want to. Or they reach it with one lover, and never get back to it with anyone else. Or they reach that point, and then go on the Pill, and suddenly they can barely get off.
If you really want to know what I think, here’s your answer:
Our culture is so profoundly fucked up that we have incredible difficulty being open to genuine sexual pleasure. When I hear about a woman who thinks PIV feels like “a finger in a fist”, I feel the same way that I do about a man who pounds away at his sexual partners because that’s the only way he feels anything. People are anesthetized, alienated, numb, and filled with bottomless pits of rage and hatred and resentment. It’s not fashionable to say so, but none of their experiences are ever “normal”, even if they prove to be the statistical mean. Barring injury, the problem is between people’s ears, and in their hearts.
@50 – I’m a guy, but I think you have some of the best advice here: find the right dick. I don’t think my style, rhythm or my dick have changed much in like 20 years. And some girls, PIV with me, rocks their world. Others…I do nothing for. Of course, a considerate partner would do other things and I think the advice to get good and warmed up first is fantastic adivce – have at least one nice clitoral orgasm from oral first, and then start trying different positions (the squirrel thing was hilarious) to see what ‘hits it’ for you.
@WTF – Dan’s advice is great. Get a book too as others suggested and sit down on the couch together during snuggle time (not sex time) and talk about the various ideas you get as you read the book together.
@85: My ejaculate is not pee. It tastes like my vaginal fluid, it’s just a lot thinner. It’s not yellow, it doesn’t smell or taste like pee. Honestly, I don’t need a study to tell me it’s not pee. My boyfriend also thinks that it’s not pee, since he’s not into watersports but he’ll still lick up my squirt because it’s sweet.
@68 “I find that men who LOVE giving oral have a certain vibe that I find reeeeeally unattractive.”
Whaa? Can you elaborate please? I’m genuinely curious.
Oh, and I goofed above, I meant @NQAD, not @WTF.
@recognition – you are definitely sounding like a “bottomless pit of rage and hatred and resentment”. What the heck?
@95 – Educate people, wake them up, sure, but don’t say they’re in the minority when they’re not. I agree with you that we don’t have any idea what women’s potential sexual response might be, in an ideal world — but we’re not there yet and it’s not helpful to scold people as if it’s their individual fault for having trouble.
@98 Some men really want their partners to come, but have a chip on their shoulder about how that should happen. For me, it takes the form of them not wanting the vibrator around.
@98
It’s sort of an intuitive thing, to be honest, so it’s hard to describe or elaborate on. I guess just in my own personal experience I’ve seen a correlation between men who love to give oral and pseudointellectual types as well as guys who fancy themselves very sensitive and enlightened. Plus, honestly, physically as well. I wonder if unattractive guys develop a love of oral sex if they aren’t able to develop the skill of being hilarious. :p
I’m not saying these things are actually related, I’ve just found it to be a weird quirk of my personal experience.
@Erica
“Just to be clear, I think it is great for multiorgasmic women, ejaculating women, or women who come easily from PIV, to tell us about their experiences and to expect to be taken seriously and not be accused of lying.”
It would be great. If it happened. :p
Do you think I’m acting like it’s the norm?
@99: I think we’ve gone too far, though, with the pendulum swinging so that nothing is ever any woman’s fault. It’s all either biology, or biochemistry, or anatomy, or the patriarchy — anything but self-knowledge, self-reflection, and the admission that one’s own issues aren’t anyone else’s fault.
I mean, look: we don’t have a problem telling guys that premature ejaculation, impotence, or retarded ejaculation are problems that need to be fixed, and that make them subpar lovers until they work things out. Why is it forbidden for women to ever be told the same thing, i.e. that mastering the mechanics of their own bodies are an important part of being a good lover — that it’s their RESPONSIBILITY to do so — and why do we go a step further, and so often insist that female sexuality be defined by its least enthusiastic, most walled-off participants?
@98: I think if what I said doesn’t have any resonance for you, you’re either very very lucky, or haven’t gotten out much. The world is full of deeply fucked-up people who see the world in adversarial, power-oriented terms, and who pride themselves on how little they feel; it’s also full of intensely loving people who see the world in generous, compassionate terms, and who are open to feeling dangerous emotions like love and intense sexuality.
The former group should be treated as pathological, not normative…but they’re also the ones most interested in power, so they usually set the terms of discussion.