I am a 25-year-old gay man. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I’m exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups, and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by “straight” men. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.
I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure, and unhappy. But when I’m horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don’t seem to recognize it as just a fantasy, but instead believe in the homophobic views they express.
I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn, as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as people don’t seem to be “just playing” and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it okay for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are the people who contribute, participate in, and produce such gay-bashing sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?
Not An Inferior Faggot
P.S. Examples of these websites: faggot4ever.tumblr.com, obeythestraightman.tumblr.com, and tribes.tribe.net/qssm.
You’re not inferior, NAIF, and you’re not alone.
In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there—think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. I mean, come on: All those cliché gay male sex symbols—truckers, skinheads, marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers—don’t exactly represent the kinds of people or professions that have historically been associated with tolerance.
A person can safely explore degrading fantasies—even fantasies rooted in “hate ideology”—so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And, just as importantly, between your fantasies and your politics.) Once you do that, NAIF, you’ll be able to enjoy your “straight men abusing fags” fantasies without feeling devastated immediately after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies in the first place. Call it the sub’s paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled—regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.
But it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to build that firewall yet, NAIF, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be—a proud gay man—and the scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don’t really hate yourself any more than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped or the Jewish guy with Nazi fantasies really believes that Germans are the master race. (Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race? No, they could not.) It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during, and after you rub one out—it also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during some regular sessions over a period of months.
You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who gets off on this shit, too, NAIF, a guy who wants to explore these degradation fantasies with you in real time—safely, respectfully, and consensually. Cuddling after a hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex session with the “straight” guy who five minutes ago was “degrading” you for being a “worthless faggot”—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee—would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something that brought intimacy, companionship, and connection into your life, instead of self-loathing and self-recrimination.
But don’t start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, NAIF, okay?
Three months ago, I started a fuck-buddy relationship with an old friend. As we are both not seeking a serious romance, I thought it would be a good idea. My assumption was that the relationship was “open.” But when I asked him how he’d feel about me dating another guy, he got defensive and said that if I fucked other guys, he would “never” sleep with me again. I asked him if he was sleeping with other girls, and he said no. I don’t know whether to be happy (he likes me enough to be monogamous) or freaked (at his leotarded communication style). I do have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great. Any advice would be helpful.
Confused Canadian Chick
I would advise you to have a convo about upgrading your frequent-fucker cards from fuck-buds silver to boyfriend/girlfriend gold. The latter designation gets closer to the facts on the ground: You have feelings for him, he has feelings for you (however poorly articulated), the sex is great, the relationship is exclusive. You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.
I’m a straight male in a committed live-in relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week, usually on Saturday mornings. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she’s ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I’ve masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this. When I do masturbate, I always clean up after myself and I’m doing it before she gets home or after she’s gone to bed. So, again, why the guilt?
Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally
I don’t know who’s crazier, your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, BOMBAST, or you, for sticking around and putting up with this bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with having a low libido; it’s not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether or not he is making ends meet by masturbating now and then—and demanding to smell his hands!—is borderline abusive behavior. DTMFA, BOMBAST, and be so kind as to pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. Not a boyfriend, not a husband. A dog.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
Bow-Wow Dan! Happy New Year!!
Excellent quote about castration Dan! I plan on borrowing it.
Won’t somebody think of the puppies?
One night at the office a man is overcome with a fit of desire for his secretary. They make mad passionate love and linger for hours. When he awakes from his stupor, he panics not knowing what to tell his wife. He dresses, puts powder on his hands, and goes home. His wife asks where he’s been. He sheepishly tells her that he’s late because he’s had sex with his secretary. His wife quick grabs his hands which he’s held behind his back and says “Don’t you lie to me! You’ve been bowling!”
Translation: BOMBAST, if your girlfriend objects to your masturbating, you could always have an affair.
BOMBAST: I never understood why some significant others get upset if their partners masturbate. It’s better than someone going out to cheat. I think that it’s horrible that she accuses you of doing so, and going as far as smelling your hands is just, well, CRAZY!
To reduce the guilt you feel and the craziness of her smelling your hands, maybe you should go into the bedroom while she’s waiting to drift off to sleep, start masturbating in front of her, and then turn over and fall asleep when you’re done. You might wake up to an EX girlfriend…but you’ll wake up satisfied!
BOMBAST found himself a psycho-bitch and needs to run as fast as he can. Sorry to use the juvenile, chauvinistic term,,,but it fits in this case.
Lube for masturbation? Won’t a little saliva do the trick?
CCC: Why did you asked your “fuck buddy” how he would feel if you dated other guys if this relationship was open from the start? I’m wondering if you secretly had feelings for your fuck buddy going into this “open relationship” and hoped that he would develop feelings for you.
I, too, had a “fuck buddy” who was an old friend of mine. He was in an “open marriage”, and I believed that our relationship was all it was along with an long time friendship. However, a situation caused that to change, and my “fuck buddy” became very aggressive towards me in the end.
I say that to say this: In your case, I hope Dan is correct about “the romance finding you”. But, just because your friend became “defensive” doesn’t necessarily mean he has romantic feelings for you unless he comes out and tells you that he does. It could be case of control and the good ol’ “I don’t want you but don’t want anyone else to have you.” Don’t ignore any red flags that may be there.
@7 – saliva dries quicker than some men shoot.
Hey Bombast,
Your SO sounds very insecure, maybe you should consider a round of counseling? Sometimes an impartial translator/negotiator local on the ground is enough to set things clear; before you DTMFA, decide if it is worth spending some time and money to get beyond “Meh”. Having a third party explain that she doesn’t need to feel guilty, or make you feel guilty about having PIV once a week might get rid of a lot of the drama.
BTW, you do try to go out on dates, right? And you (as a couple) hang out with friends, right? Being stuck at home may be a part of the problem as well.
Peace.
Holy cow, BOMBAST, scratch n sniff? Really? The honeymoon’s over and you weren’t even invited to attend. Thank all Gods you don’t have to pay for a divorce.
Imagine his life AFTER she’s got a ring on his finger; they’re only living together and this is his life? RUN, BOMBAST, RUN!
CCC: “He likes me enough to be monogamous.”
That is, if you don’t feel monogamous you must not like your partner enough.
True for you? Cool.
But in general? Beg to differ, CCC. Beg to differ.
Awesome answer for NAIF that made it real for so many people. This is why Dan is a sex advice columnist who just happens to be gay and NOT a “gay” sex advice columnist. No need to necessarily separate the two but I suppose it endears him to many of the straight readers.
Awesome answer for the confused chick. I don’t think I have ever seen Dan recommend upgrading from a fuck buddy to a BF/GF which is a far cry from DTMFA.
BOMBAST needs to run like the wind. Alternatively he could tell her something like yes, bitch, I have normal needs just like a, like, normal guy. So I am beating off and I am planning to fuck the first thing that falls in front of my path. So if you want to fuck in the missionary position once a week I will always be there for you. The rest of the time I will be living a real life you pathetic cunt.
Once a week after 20 years of marriage is grounds for an affair IMHO. Once a week while just living together means once every 3-12 months after the VOWS. I guarantee this woman will make AT LEAST 4 men’s lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and she will probably make out like a gold digging bandit…….
@13: “enough to be monogamous” is a semantic unit. If you remove the last three words, you change the meaning of the sentence.
CCC:
If you laid out the ground rules from the start (not clear from your letter), and he still got his panties in a wad when you talked about seeing other people, DO NOT DATE HIM. Do not even fuck him. That sort of behavior can signal some serious jealousy issues, even beyond those of your run-of-the-mill monogamist. He’ll never stop asking if you’re fucking someone else.
If you didn’t discuss the nature of the relationship before then, I’d still be wary. It’s 2011; no one in their right mind assumes sex means exclusivity without further discussion.
BOMBAST: have you tried just telling her that yes, you have masturbated, and what is she going to do about it? I’m a little confused why she even thinks this is something she should have any say in, or why you give her any authority over you on this. Sorry to sound rude, but you sound like a little boy trying to explain himself to his mother.
If she gives you any shit, tell her a) it’s not her penis, b) if she doesn’t want you taking care of your own needs, she had damned well better take care of them herself any time you ask, and c) once a week is not nearly fucking often enough.
CCC: When you say that neither of you are looking for a serious relationship, did that mean that either of you was averse to a serious relationship, if one happened to drop in your lap? Because it appears that one is in the process of dropping in your lap right now.
If you have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great, why are you still looking around? Are you poly? If not, is there something else about him or about your circumstances that would disqualify this relationship from progressing to the next level?
WOW—-and I thought my ex was bad!! BOMBAST, leave her NOW!
CCC: Romance found you. Congrats. All the best.
Anybody: One dumb question regarding CCC’s letter to Dan: Why the word “leotarded” ? I’m not nitpicking, just curious. Does the definition possibly have anything to do with the fifth astrological sign? I’m a Leo, but I don’t consider myself “leotarded”. Spanxed, maybe, but not leotarded.
BOMBAST:
Dan missed the real problem here, and the real problem is you.
Your natural reaction to a situation where some other person demands something unreasonable from you is to pretend you’re meeting their expectations.
This is not healthy. If someone demands something from you that you do not think is right of them to demand from you, tell them that you do not agree. After communicating that you do not agree with their expectations, you will have the opportunity to either create expectations that you can both mutually agree to, or decide that such an agreement is not possible and move on.
Those who are upset because they feel they must hide their true behavior from their significant other have only themselves to blame.
@19:
Dan came up with the term “leotarded” to replace the word “retarded” as an insult.
“Bitch.” “You pathetic cunt.” “This woman will make at least four men’s lives a living hell during her pathetic so called life and will make out like a gold digging bandit.”
Wow, #14…why so angry? I think you revealed more about yourself in your comment than you did about the letter. And, here’s hoping you’re not really a “Professor,” or at least one with women in your classroom.
17 and others– Being in an exclusive relationship does not give one partner a say in how often the other masturbates. We’re in agreement there. My quibble is in whether her once-a-weekness has anything to do with it. I’d say that was irrelevant to the discussion. My boyfriend is always glad to have sex with me whenever I want to have sex with him. That doesn’t preclude my liking to have sex with myself now and then, and I’d guess he does the same, though I’ve never concerned myself with asking.
@22 — I was wondering (and hoping) the same about 14. FWIW.
and … lube?? you need lube?
@22 happy,
Translation for 14: I got caught having an affair because my wife wasn’t enough in bed, and I’m paying lots in alimony now.
Peace.
@22 – Don’t feed the troll.
BOMBAST – are you for real? I am not sure if your letter was sincere or farce/parody. Assuming (as Dan did) that you are sincere, I highly highly highly recommend you read @20 about 20 times. It’s the best synopsis of this dynamic I’ve ever seen (said as a fellow sufferer).
There is a way of asserting yourself without having to work up the kind of anger someone like the perfesser (clearly terrified of women, like most misogynists).
“Cuddling…with the ‘straight’ guy who five minutes ago was ‘degrading’ you for being a ‘worthless faggot’—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee…”
Hilarious. That’s what keeps me coming back.
BOMBAST’s letter reeks of power exchange. Maybe that’s her kink. And perhaps it’s just confirmation bias, but the formal, compliant style in which the letter is written makes it seem he’s not entirely against the idea. I mean, why else would someone put up with that shit?
Ooh! Ooh! OOOHHH!!!
This is the first time I can recall being really gladdened by the reappearance of a previous letter:
We match NAIF with AGAY. NAIF is the right age and AGAY likely has the spiel down pat. If there’s enough attraction between them, each is just the right type to suit – AND we can look forward to more letters from the two in future. A win all round.
BOMBAST’s gf is pushin’ him out the door without (maybe) realizing that she actually is.. Nothing is more of a drag than any S.O. who needlessly cramps the other’s style and space. If she’s not fucking him more than once a week, then who is she to be getting bent ‘cos he whacked his tallywhacker in her absence? It could be worse: he could be out fucking the barmaid down at the local tavern or something.
The gf oughtta give herself a reality check: recognize her dour behavior, stop eating so damn much that she’s roly-poly in the gunt and can’t be bothered to get her bf’s pennis (yes, pennis! ;-D) wet in the name of a good roll in the sack.
Or…;)
Who’s to say the gf isn’t messing around on BOMBAST behind his back? People who hide things tend to project their secrets onto others as accusations. Maybe she met a guy online who likes ’em big with rolls of flabber flaps, and her overeating after 9:30pm is her bid to maintain that gunt while pushing her out-of-her-league bf (BOMBAST) out the door.
She ain’t all that, by what you describe, BOMBAST. I’d jerk off in front of her just to freak her the fuck out, as a goof! ;-D lol
Chicks like that are the reason why mean cheat, and why Viagra is for men stuck in horridly-boring marriages with wives who share the same brushcuts and gaucho, khaki shorts as their husbands or boyfriends. They can even change the sparkplugs on the lawn mower as good as their husbands and boyfriends.
BOMBAST’s woman better wise up, and fast, before she loses him altogether. I’d say cut yer losses now, BOMBAST. You should be fucking once a day, minimum. Not once a week.
Hand her a box of frozen pizza snacks and send her on her way; presumably back to her parent’s house upstairs in her bedroom where she has a webcam for chubby-chasers who like to count the flaps of flabber bouncing up and down as they tug their lil’ members from the privacy of their own homes. Or something ;-D LOL.
Moral of the story? BOMBAST’s girlfriend is all wrong for him. Cut her loose, BOMBAST. She sounds like too much work for too little payback. Set her free to go to her real love’s house to strip and jiggle her flabber-flaps LOL.
Pretty ho-hum on all the ask and answer, but I’d like to nominate BOMBAST for the SL Acronym Hall of Fame.
@ 4, 5 & 6: I echo your sentiments. It’s just unreasonable behavior from BOMBAST’s gf’s end. They either need to hash it out for real, and get to the bottom of what’s actually going on, or they need to part ways. Life’s too short to be shackled to a hopelessly-unhappy relationship.
@ 7: Saliva never lasts long enough lol. Believe it or not, I tend to like hair conditioner as lube for jacking off. Easy to wash off, it smells nice and it exfoliates your skin most lovely lol. Buy a bottle of Suave conditioner sometime. It’s cheap, it’s effective and does the job 😉 .
@ 8, 13, 16 & 18: Like you were all implying, I think there is some kind of feelings dynamic between the two fuck-buddies.
I just don’t get the poly/non-monogamous thing. But then, that’s just me and my own particular inclinations. I sometimes wish I was more dismissive and don’t-really-give-a-shit about having multiple sex partners because I could.
Love finds you: you never find it. By my own experience, love has been hotter to me than the notion of fucking a parking lot of people in an afternoon in a meth-fueled gang bang lol.
If either one of you is not on the same page about what the rules are, as far as your negotiating who else you sleep with outside of your fuck-buddy environs.
It will never work if one tends to veer toward monogamy, and the other is licking their chops about getting into three other stranger’s pants by sundown, or sun-up lol.
If yer gonna keep fucking, use protection. Who wants to croak from getting some good ass? Not me, no sir-ee fucking way, man! lol ;-D
Cheers & Happy New Year Now One & All+~+
BOMBAST’s girlfriend doesn’t sound like a person with a naturally low libido. She sounds like a morning person.
Why “going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee?” Can they not go out for dim sum and chat about the possibility of life on other planets, or is refusing to conform to a stereotype too “heteronormative?” There are plenty of gay men out there who think Glee, Lady Gaga, and all that stuff is a load of horse hockey.
NAIF’s fetish for straight-guy dom play isn’t that unusual. I have that fetish myself! It takes the right person, the right chemistry and a whole lot of trust and connectedness to pull it off the way Dan describes it. There are people for everyone out there; you just have to wait for it, or them, to find you, rather than the other way around.
As John Lennon sings during “Beautiful Boy”: Life’s what happens to you while you’re busy making plans.
I abide by that, actually.
😉
BOMBAST’s situation has some other issues that nobody seems to be questioning (excellent comment BTW @biggie / #20).
1.) Maybe there’s some subtle kink that they’re sharing; he gets extra joy while jacking while he’s “not supposed to” and she is probably getting off on the discovery.
2.) If a simple DTMFA is the solution, then nothing will change. BOMBAST will find another woman who is just as manipulative, and the wench will find another manipulable guy. Some self-reflection is very much needed on his part, as well as hers but having known women like this, her ego will probably prevent it.
DTMFA by all means, but learn from it or you’re wasting your time.
@27
People put up with a lot. I know that I’d probably be OK with that situation, which is sex one time a week more than what I’m experiencing.
Having said that, it IS unreasonable what BOMBAST’s girlfriend is asking for. I kind of agree with Dan’s DTMFA assessment, but a real option is to quash those feelings of guilt, and carry on. Just stomp em down.
Hey, I speak from experience. I’ve been almost 20 years with my GF and endure a life of NO SEX. She hates it and says normal sex serves no purpose outside of reproduction. We’re both “fixed” therefore there’s no reason to fuck each other. So finally I told her that she has no right to force monogamy on me and she won’t. It’s my body and I do with it as I choose. She made her choice long ago to separate herself from our sex life, so now it’s MY sex life.
I do enjoy our life together, so I stick with her. I get tired of having to jerk of and it’s a waste of time, so I save a little from each paycheck and spend time with a couple of lovely call girls I know when I really need to get laid. I don’t want or need another relationship and I choose to stay with my GF, but can see a time when it will be time to leave.
So, BOMBAST, you’ll know when it’s time to go or stay, that decision is yours and yours alone. And don’t fret about having to masturbate for the time being. Just know you have options in life.
@CCC It may be romance – or it may be the start of deep shit.
I second #8 and #16 : be careful. Abusors tend to rush things along, to get to a monogamous relationship, where they can control you ; it doesn’t mean they love you in any way – even when they threaten reprisal (to never fuck you again is one, if you two started out as fuck-buddies). Old friends can very well become abusors, once the relationship progresses. I’d be freaked out by his words as well – they mirror the start of my own abusive marriage. I was not much into the guy but I did believe it was love on his part. So I went along because I was willing to give his love a try.
Besides, since communication is key in a LTR, it’s a pretty bad sign for enduring romance if he’s already bad at communicating with you at this early stage…
Of course you could have found the odd decent guy unable to express himself, but with a heart of gold. To make up your mind, you can check red flags lists at http://drirene.com/redflag.htm and http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/m… (they don’t pay me).
But even if he has no abusive tendencies, you should ask yourself whether you want an open relationship or a closed one – and then, stay truthful to yourself.
@5: great idea, but how about this: wait til she IS asleep, then come on her face. What a goodbye kiss.
@28 (Mr. Ven): I get so confused. Who is AGAY and what was his problem?
I had the “monogamous or not” discussion with my current partner – at the beginning. I told him I didn’t want be limited by monogamy, since I was just out of 10+ years of monogamous abuse.
His answer : he understood my point. He was going to be monogamous, since he had no desire for any other woman than me ; he agreed that we should tell one another if we had, indeed, been non-monogamous since last meeting ; he just hoped that whenever I fucked someone else, that I would find the other to be a worse lay, and that he would laugh at me for the time lost being bored in bed with the other.
I liked his answer, and we’re still monogamishly together.
@ 20: That was great, what you said. I agree fully. Thanks for that!
C’mon babe! I’m here of my own volition at one of your playgrounds of choice! Never say I don’t try 😉 lol…
+~+
For a second I thought BOMBAST’s GF might have been me (until I got the part with the interrogation & the hand sniffing. Woah). My husband and I recently had a similar revelation; it’s not that I have zero libido, it’s just at at its lowest in the evenings when I’m tired and would rather be sleepy & snuggly. I definitely wanted to have sex more often, but when it’s been a busy week and evenings are the only free time we had together, it just didn’t pan out. He’s kinda vanilla so he was working on the assumption that bedtime = sex time, but for me the mornings & afternoons were much better! So perhaps BOMBAST’s habit of regular Saturday morning sexytime with the GF might be a clue. Barring the cray-cray masturbation interrogation aspect, maybe it’s just that she is more ready for sex during daylight hours, and therefore gets irrationally jealous that he’s masturbating that time away without her.
BOMBAST – I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. Although, my wife encourages masturbation to “make ends meet”.
love is messy, isn’t it? Bombast’s wife is human and their relationship is real. Bombast, do not kick her to the curb without exercising all the compassion you have. Give it the effort that love demands. I find this blood-thirsty condemnation by haters to be myopic. Who here isn’t in some way neurotic or otherwise incapable of loving their s.o. perfectly?
BOMBAST – I regularly jerk it with a dry hand. No problems. But, my wife encourages masturbation to “make ends meet”.
Read and absorb, baby.
I’m playful, but right now I’m not playing.
Rgds, as billb would say.