I am a 25-year-old gay man. Although I have always accepted my homosexuality and never really felt bad about it, recently I have been going through a hard time psychologically because I’m exposing myself to very graphic homophobic online content. There are blogs, online groups, and websites that cater to gay men who like to be abused and degraded by “straight” men. Some people write extensively about how all gay rights should be rolled back.
I am very disturbed because I am actually aroused by content that shows supposedly straight men degrading gay men. I always come away feeling disturbed, insecure, and unhappy. But when I’m horny, I go right back. The worst feeling comes from knowing that a lot of those people don’t seem to recognize it as just a fantasy, but instead believe in the homophobic views they express.
I was never disturbed by BDSM-type fantasies or BDSM porn, as it never seemed to be related to homophobia at all. But this type of dom/sub thing is very disturbing, as people don’t seem to be “just playing” and it is playing with a real-world violent and powerful hate ideology. Is it okay for me to just view this as another harmless fantasy or is this something I need to control or get help dealing with? Secondly, are the people who contribute, participate in, and produce such gay-bashing sexualized content just indulging in a version of acceptable BDSM/kink or is it dangerous to use a prevalent hate ideology in sex play?
Not An Inferior Faggot
P.S. Examples of these websites: faggot4ever.tumblr.com, obeythestraightman.tumblr.com, and tribes.tribe.net/qssm.
You’re not inferior, NAIF, and you’re not alone.
In fact, you have lots of horny soul mates out there—think of strong feminist women with rape fantasies, think of faithful Jews with Nazi fetishes, think of empowered African Americans who get off on Master/slave role-play scenes. And think of all the gay men out there turned on by those vaguely threatening male archetypes. I mean, come on: All those cliché gay male sex symbols—truckers, skinheads, marines, cops, firemen, gangbangers—don’t exactly represent the kinds of people or professions that have historically been associated with tolerance.
A person can safely explore degrading fantasies—even fantasies rooted in “hate ideology”—so long as he/she is capable of compartmentalizing this stuff. Basically, you have to build a firewall between your fantasies and your self-esteem. (And, just as importantly, between your fantasies and your politics.) Once you do that, NAIF, you’ll be able to enjoy your “straight men abusing fags” fantasies without feeling devastated immediately after you come. In fact, successfully building that firewall and then enjoying your fantasies without shame can leave you feeling stronger and more empowered for having these fantasies in the first place. Call it the sub’s paradox: A D/s sub who can enjoy his fantasies without being shredded by them is in control, not being controlled—regardless of how things might appear to a casual or misinformed observer.
But it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to build that firewall yet, NAIF, due to feelings of shame rooted in a perceived disconnect between the person you know yourself to be—a proud gay man—and the scenarios that make your dick hard. But there is no disconnect, NAIF. You don’t really hate yourself any more than the feminist with rape fantasies really wants to be raped or the Jewish guy with Nazi fantasies really believes that Germans are the master race. (Could a people who routinely wear sandals with socks be the master race? No, they could not.) It might help if you reminded yourself of that before, during, and after you rub one out—it also might help if a sex-positive counselor reminded you of that during some regular sessions over a period of months.
You know what else might help? Finding a nice, out, proud gay man who gets off on this shit, too, NAIF, a guy who wants to explore these degradation fantasies with you in real time—safely, respectfully, and consensually. Cuddling after a hot, crazy, kinky D/s sex session with the “straight” guy who five minutes ago was “degrading” you for being a “worthless faggot”—and then getting dressed and going out to grab some fro-yo and chat about Glee—would go a long way toward helping you see your fantasies as something that brought intimacy, companionship, and connection into your life, instead of self-loathing and self-recrimination.
But don’t start exploring your fantasies with a boyfriend until that firewall is well under construction, NAIF, okay?
Three months ago, I started a fuck-buddy relationship with an old friend. As we are both not seeking a serious romance, I thought it would be a good idea. My assumption was that the relationship was “open.” But when I asked him how he’d feel about me dating another guy, he got defensive and said that if I fucked other guys, he would “never” sleep with me again. I asked him if he was sleeping with other girls, and he said no. I don’t know whether to be happy (he likes me enough to be monogamous) or freaked (at his leotarded communication style). I do have feelings for him, and the sex is progressing from good to great. Any advice would be helpful.
Confused Canadian Chick
I would advise you to have a convo about upgrading your frequent-fucker cards from fuck-buds silver to boyfriend/girlfriend gold. The latter designation gets closer to the facts on the ground: You have feelings for him, he has feelings for you (however poorly articulated), the sex is great, the relationship is exclusive. You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.
I’m a straight male in a committed live-in relationship. My girlfriend and I have sex once a week, usually on Saturday mornings. During the week, she is either too tired or too full after dinner. She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she’s ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep. She asks me on a daily basis if I’ve masturbated in her absence. If I say no, she accuses me of lying. She has demanded to smell my hands to see if she can smell lube on them. I resent feeling interrogated and guilt-tripped over this. When I do masturbate, I always clean up after myself and I’m doing it before she gets home or after she’s gone to bed. So, again, why the guilt?
Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally
I don’t know who’s crazier, your controlling, psychotic, hand-sniffing girlfriend, BOMBAST, or you, for sticking around and putting up with this bullshit. There’s nothing wrong with having a low libido; it’s not a crime to want sex only once a week. But terrorizing a higher-libido partner about whether or not he is making ends meet by masturbating now and then—and demanding to smell his hands!—is borderline abusive behavior. DTMFA, BOMBAST, and be so kind as to pass this bit of advice on to your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend: If you want a companion animal you can castrate, lady, get a dog. Not a boyfriend, not a husband. A dog.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
tsk, tsk Dan, you of all people missed the possibility that the GF is turned on by the thought of him getting horny and getting off.
If you like the girl, 1. ask her if she wants to watch you, and 2. try and have sex earlier in the day. Maybe she’s a morning person! The Italians screw at midday and think we’re nuts for pushing it to when everyone’s tired and stuffed from dinner.
Thank you for pointing out that sandals with socks make for an inferior people. I need to get that word out to the guys in the city I live in!
Re: BOMBAST. The real problem here is that this couple is not being open about when and how they want to have sex. Her wanting to sniff out when he masturbates can be read as controlling and abusive OR kinky OR a powderkeg of resentment over weeks/months/years of missed signals.
Let’s not rush to crucify the girlfriend – seems to me that they may both be at fault.
It is very unclear from his letter WHY the girlfriend wants to know if he masturbates. It is not clear that he knows that she finds it abhorrent. Seems like he assumes she asks because she hates to think that he is masturbating. What if she is actually super turned on by it but afraid to admit it?
Why does everyone assume she has a lower sex drive than he does? Because of cultural messages about gender roles, women often have a hard time initiating sex. She may send out feelers and subtle signals that she feels are obvious but that he is totally missing.
She says she is turned on, but then is “too full” after dinner to have sex… maybe she is sending out signals that she would like him to initiate sex *before* dinner. When he doesn’t initiate sex with her when she is interested and he then goes and masturbates, she may feel rejected. If she’s a non-initiator and he’s also a non-initator it just leads to a lot of passive aggressive bullshit and resentment.
Regardless of all of the other stuff, it also also sounds like she’s just not into evening sex and maybe is just stressed out on weekdays. This guy needs to ask her what would help her relax to the point where she would really feel like having sex on a weekday. Maybe she wants a massage or help with housework so she can unwind.
@21 Ashley Amber: Ah! That’s right! I think I even remember Dan’s saying that in a column of many moons ago. Thanks for refreshing my memory.
I could be wrong, but CCC’s guy just strikes me as young and lacking in experience in communicating about relationships. All the same, she should proceed with caution, in case he turns out to be a controlling jerk.
@ 29. When did BOMBAST say his girl was fat? The closest thing I could find was saying she was too full after dinner. That happens to people of all sizes. Did you ever eat a good meal and not want to move? Can you imagine all that food sloshing around during sex? It would drive me nuts and I have a high libido. Sex is like swimming. You should wait 1 hour after eating to avoid cramps.
@ 56: “she was too full after dinner” = fat. Kind of like how some people say “let’s do lunch!”, and they’re blowing you off.
My point is, fat or not, the gf’s not visibly well-mated with her bf. Figure it out now and decide what to do from there on out.
She could boink her husband before dinner, so she’s not farting, burping, passing out and getting otherwise quite unlady-like while digesting that filet mignon.
I agree with #20 – BOMBAST has some serious boundary issues he needs to resolve. Once those are resolved, here’s an idea: Get a slow cooker. Put dinner in the slow cooker to cook. While dinner is cooking, go fuck.
And for CCC: No matter how much you like him or how much you enjoy the sex, a dude with a ‘leotarded communication style’ is not a dude you want to start a relationship with.
…wait, what? Once a week is considered a low libido?!? I’m not kidding here. Really?
In my last relationship I was considered an oversexed degenerate freak for being absolutely thrilled with sex twice a week(but being totally fine with once a week).
..hate.
I wonder if BOMBAST’s wife gets off on the idea of him masturbating. Or if she’s really making sure he doesn’t. If the former, it can lead to more hot things (videos, pics, reminders of j/o sessions left open, D/s scenarios, etc). If the latter…run away!
CCC has obvious communication skills of her own. Why didn’t the conversation of monogamy open into a further redefining of the relationship? Communication is a two-way street honey.
Are there pics of NAIF? Can we see? Those fantasies can be fun.
Dear Browbeating Okay, Meat Beating Another Story Totally: Either she doesn’t like sex, doesn’t like sex with you or she has never come.
Ever tried introducing a vibe toy in your Sat morning romp? Ask her if she would like to watch you masturbate? Or maybe you can ask her to masturbate in front of you? Maybe dare her to read/view something sexually riske and exciting, no judgment attached?
If all that fails and she really is the controlling prude she seems, time to move on and live life a bit, with regular sex in it. RM
p.s. if it was totally not ok for me to indirectly answer your Q to the Master (DanSavage), my sincere apologies!!!
I really don’t get the response to BOMBAST. I regularly ask my husband how much he’s masturbated in my absence. (It lets me know how hard I’ll have to work to get him to cum again.;) I don’t think that’s abusive or sex negative in the least, but then again, my husband isn’t a fucking liar.
I don’t get why someone with a partner telling them they want to have sex is waiting until their partner goes to sleep so they can masturbate instead of jumping them stat.
@59 I wouldn’t call once a week a low libido either, especially not if one or both partners has a stressful tiring job. I’d say it’s well in the average range. However she does have a lower libido than her boyfriend and wants to enforce it on him. That I think is where it crosses a line, your own hand isn’t cheating.
@62: Yeah, I sometimes ask my partner if he masturbated, because I think it’s sexy. But if he says he didn’t, I don’t accuse him of lying and then demand to sniff his hands for lube. It sounds more like BOMBAST’s girlfriend is trying to police his sexuality than asking sexy questions.
From what I infer, BOMBAST’s girlfriend is saying she wants sex, but then turning him down when he tries to initiate because she feels too tired or sluggish from dinner. Which, hey, may be an actual legit thing for her. But the solution isn’t to keep tabs on her boyfriend’s wanking schedule, the solution is to find ways to work more sex into their lives by adjusting their daily schedules – maybe they start going to bed an hour earlier, so they can wake up earlier and have some morning sex. Or they find recipes which allow time for sex while dinner is cooking. Or maybe they readjust their definition of sex to include handjobs and oral.
Almost made me cry- you are the best Dan! Rock on forever!
Ms Cute – AGAY wrote in after NAIF – he’s 58, went through unsuccessful straightening therapy in his twenties, has been an extreme sports competitor for many years, is only attracted to twentysomethings, doesn’t want sex without mutual attraction, and can’t force himself to be attracted to men closer to his own age.
AGAY and NAIF seemed at least potentially likely to fit right into each other’s strengths.
@#66
Some type of lubrication makes things better. It’s just a matter of preference of whether the rigorous cleaning up afterwards is worth it.
And man,
It’s not just you, but a significant number of others as well.
Why so harsh? It seems like instead of wanting people to deal with problems and issues, the answer is to just discard them.
Granted, that’s probably not the case. You want them to work out an understanding, or at least a compromise. But, it’s stuff like that, that makes me blow my gasket.
It’d be easier if people with issues, (and especially people with destructive and bad issues), took themselves out of the game, but it’s not a particularily easy thing.
Bombast, perhaps she’s smelling your hands to see if you’ve been with another woman.
@63
Thank you. I was almost incandescent with anger(perhaps I even turned silver with rage for a second)there for a minute.
****
In regards to BOMBAST.
First, awesome acronym. Good job.
Second, and this is going to be hard. You need to call her out. If she wants to go for the hand sniff you should ask her why. If she says you masturbating is hot, then show her how you do it and let the awesome sex times roll(pro tip, have condoms handy!, or perhaps consider asking her to be all sexy while you masturbate and tell her how hot and awesome she is after you’ve worked it out). If she thinks it’s gross, then ask her how, exactly, she recommends you get your sexual ya-yas out if she only has sex with you once a week(and be prepared for some sex negative bullshit).
@68
Why aren’t you poking her weekday mornings?
And why only Saturday mornings? What’s wrong with Sunday?
Re: BOMBAST. I don’t think the situation is that complicated, at least going by the info as presented by BOMBAST. The girlfriend seems to be a selfish control freak with a low libido and thinks her boyfriend should only want sex when she wants it. She doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of the word “compromise” nor does she respect his right to pleasure himself, in the alternative. She seems too immature to realize that regardless how infrequent or infrequent they are having sex together, that he has a right (as does she) to masturbate whenever he likes. I don’t understand why she would feel threatened by that. Sounds cliched, but we each have a right to that personal self-love whether we are in or out of a relationship with another person. The kind of behaviour exhibited by her makes me wonder if she respects or even loves him.
@29
Wow. Did your mommy let you on the internet unsupervised? You went right for the PG-13 material, didn’t you? That’s okay. We won’t tell.
@59
Depends on who you ask. I think it’s on the low side.
@66, I think you make a good point towards the end: “maybe you’re not a good fuck.”
Has BOMBAST had an open, sincere conversation about what will get gf off regularly? If she doesn’t come during sex, she’s not going to be motivated to initiate sex very often. Granted, she should speak up if she’s unsatisfied, but sometimes people need a gentle push. Opening up about how we want to be fucked can be a bit of a challenge. It makes us very vulnerable and involves a lot of trust. Have a legit convo about this (start with “what can I do differently to excite you in bed?”), follow through with her requests, and maybe more sex will ensue.
But before you do any of that, stop letting her smell your hands! I think you’ll know if you should try to work on this relationship based on how she responds to you saying “no, I’m not okay with that; it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I haven’t.” Unless it’s some sort of “clandestine self-pleasure makes me wet” thing (which she should *really* tell you about because you’re feeling super guilty for nothing!), that shit is bad bad bad for you. What happens when you say yes, btw? However, it says “she *has* demanded to smell my hands” which makes me think it was a one time thing, not that it’s any less crazy… you still deserve to not feel like shit for rubbing ’em out.
That’s the trouble with the columns in the Stranger. They leave it to us filthy Sloggers to fill in the blanks.
p.s. I know they live together and you’d think she’d have talked about what turns her crank a long time ago, but that’s not always the case. People are together for years and years sometimes before they achieve mind blowing sex. Also, it’s always fun to talk about what we want to try out in bed, yeah?
@23: Quibble accepted. I fully agree that there is no general right to control whether your partner is allowed to masturbate, let alone as some sort of function of how often you service him/her.
I wouldn’t say they are completely unrelated concepts, however. It isn’t that a good-faith effort on her part would give her the right to issue a prohibition. However, the conspicuous absence of good-faith effort on her part does give him reasonable ammunition to tell her to sit down and shut up because she is being a hypocrite. If she can’t be bothered to pay enough attention to his needs to meet them, then she bloody well can’t be bothered to pay enough attention to thwart them either.
One proposition being true does not necessarily require that its symmetric opposite be true.
It’s also reasonable for him to tell her that if she does not like him masturbating, then he may (or may not) be willing to engage in a suitable substitute when offered, — but if once a week was anywhere near an acceptable rate for him, this conversation would not have happened in the first place.
Um I don’t think that sounds like “romance” found her. I think it sounds like monogamy by default did. Ew. The “we’re having sex and going on dates and kind of like each other so let’s act like married folks” thing. Yuck. It’s about as far from romance as one can get. Ew.
This is why I made it extremely clear when I was dating before Mister came along that I refused to be monogamous with anyone for at least one year so we could actually have a relationship and not move into mono default. Ew. Gives me willies just thinking of it.
and I wonder if BOMBAST’s gf would do better on a paleo diet? No really. Too tired and full after dinner says someone is eating inappropriately, probably lots of large gluten based (pasta) meals. Vegetarian chicks are famous for this crap. :-/ Dated way too many in my time.
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren’t they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed ’em and they go berzerk!
@73 mydriasis: Trolls are everywhere, aren’t they?
Apparently, they must be like gremlins. Feed ’em and they go berzerk!
Ahh, shit! Sorry again for the double post!
re BOMBAST: I’m amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I’m a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved.
BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I’m tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.
Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
re BOMBAST: I’m amazed at all the responses that seem to imply that he is masturbating because he is not having sex more often. I masturbate every day regardless of whether or not I have had sex, usually in the afternoon at my lowest energy time.
Oh, and I’m a woman. My husband when we first got together 15 years ago did sort of take my need to masturbate personally but we had to just have a talk about it. Obviously, her need to control the issue is a problem that needs to be resolved but BOMBAST and his girlfriend seem young to me. I’m tired at night and my sex drive is greater than my husbands. Sometimes you have to figure out how to work sex in at other times in the day.
Also, I am bothered by some of the misogyny of the comments.
my advice to BOMBAST would be to wait until one of those hand sniffing week nights she falls asleep in front of the TV then DTMFA… all over her face…
I have to disagree with Dan about CCC. He said ”You two may not have been seeking romance, CCC, but it looks like romance found you.” It is entirely possible that the guy still wants NSA and expects to ‘move on’ when he finds someone worthy of a relationship. My first clue? He hasn’t asked her to commit to him in any way other than no fucking someone else while you fuck me. This girl could confuse this with I have feelings for you or jealousy. Maybe he just wants to know she’s only fucking him till he finds someone he wants to commit to?
I agree with the comments suggesting that BOMBAST and his gf should be communicating more about when they each like sex and whether her interest in his masturbation is because it turns her on, or she feels deprived, or something else entirely.
I’m just like the girl in BOMBAST. And I get mad when my boyfriend masturbates during the day then complains how we only have sex on the weekends for a while. I commute over one hour each way to work and school, so basically I leave at 7am and get back at 8pm. When I get home, the first thing my boyfriend says is what’s for dinner. After dinner and a little TV it’s around 10:30, I need to be up in less than 8 hours, my job is super stressful and I get ready for bed. Then as I lay down also with a full stomach, he’ll initiate. I love my man and he’s super sexy, but it sucks because I know the longer I stay up with naked time, the more tired I will be the next day and I dont feel sexy just after eating.
I’ve noticed, on days when he doesnt masturbate, he’s less questioning about dinner and more likely to make a move earlier in the night. I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it’s difficult to remember on a daily basis. So she’s probably in exactly the same situation as me but just doesnt know how to vocalize that she’d like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening. Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship. And he can make that change.
@ 73 Yourdryvagina, and @ 80 Auntie Gristle, like those nasty, chewy bits on a badly-overcooked hamburger:
You are too stupid to even wonder. I like how you wanna take these discussions in here as something serious, and thought-provoking, but meanwhile you’re both (one and the same) idiots. Overly-analyzed, frivolous BULLSHIT MUCH LIKE YOU.
Whatever. Fuck off.
@87 Thanks for showing the other side of the situation. A lot of people were really quick to dismiss the reasons she may have. (Though, no matter how good her reasons for not initiating sex/turning down sex regularly, the hand sniffing think icks me out as anything outside of a situation where it turns her on).
I wonder too, if it’s not so much that your bf is initiating late and after dinner, but that he’s expects you to work all day, come home and cook, then have sex with him. I’m sure that can be a libido killer too. I know I have a decently higher sex drive than my bf (though he’s catching up!)but if I feel like he hasn’t been paying me attention other than in bed, I’m not feeling super sexy and/or generous if he tries to get his.
I think next time BOMBAST’s gf asks to sniff his hands, he should just confess to being a bad boy who jerked off earlier that day, and demand to be spanked in punishment. See what happens?
The hand-sniffing thing really only makes sense to me that way. But I am also dismayed by the many predictable, bullshit reactions to that letter, assuming that the problem boils down to the woman not putting out enough.
For CCC– “When I asked him how he’d feel about my dating another guy …”
Is this an abstract, non-existent, haven’t met him yet other guy, or a real, attractive, he asked me out other guy? It could make a difference.
“I understand that I should be making an effort to make the moves, but it’s difficult to remember on a daily basis.”
Translation: you get mad at him for not remembering to initiate SOON ENOUGH, when you can’t manage to remember to initiate AT ALL.
“she’d like the change and she probably doesnt want to take the responsibility to initiate earlier in the evening.
In other words, you get mad at him for not figuring out to do what you yourself have realized but won’t do.
“Maybe just a quickie before dinner instead of jerking in the afternoon once or twice a week would save thier relationship.”
Great idea. Why don’t you give it a try? I have seen no evidence so far that he would actually turn you down for a before-dinner quickie on a day where he had masturbated in the afternoon.
“And he can make that change.
So could you, but you choose not to, and get mad at him instead.
@90: Fun suggestion, but at this point there is so much miscommunication already going on, that they need to back away from the games and have an honest, serious, no-tricks conversation, where they both lay all their cards on the table.
@89: I agree that those may well be factors for both #87 and for BOMBAST’s girlfriend. (was going to mention them above, but that post was already getting too long.) However, if you are upset that you are too tired from working all day, coming home and cooking, and then starting sex way too late, the way to address that is not to demand that your boyfriend stop masturbating! The answer is to tell your boyfriend to start taking over dinner duty, or jump his bones when you walk in the door before you are too full.
You aren’t going to get your own needs met by demanding that the other person stop meeting theirs.
@90: That’s what I was getting at in #27. A grown (hu)man who willingly submits to hand smelling inspection has been a very naughty boy.
Another comment for CCC: “My assumption was that the relationship was “open.”
Wait, wait…you assumed that? Meaning you didn’t explicitly say exactly that up front? Saying you are “not seeking a serious romance” is not synonymous with “we are strictly just fuck-buddies and I intend this to be an open relationship.” Saying “not serious” can be just a way of saying “I’m not a stalker looking to slap a ring on your hand asap.”
Sounds to me like the two of you have spent the last three months under different unspoken expectations of what “not seeking a serious romance” means. Just about the time that he started falling for you and getting ready for the relationship to progress, you started making noises that sound like you are ready to find a replacement for him.
Probably the reason he said he would “never sleep with you again” is that he is at that point where exclusivity has kicked in for him, (for all we know he could have felt that way the whole three months) and your sleeping with others would feel like you are cheating on him.
Before you condemn his leotarded communication style, you might want to check in with yourself to confirm whether you truly did due diligence yourself.
@88: Yawn. Please refer to mydriasis’s comment to @29 from @73.
I love watching gay porn. I enjoy watch porn of all kind.
I dont know why, but i enjoy the thoughts of being degraded as well, i feel very shameful about it though.
I am really disappointed nobody commented on NAIF’s delimma.
Its far more interesting than the uptight girlfriend’s problem with masturbation.
Anyways, thanks for the maschoistic gay links.
@95 repete regarding your post @27: I didn’t see it that way, originally, but that makes sense. It seems like BOMBAST (I agree: he should win something for the excellent anagram!) has a major trust issue with his current GF.
@92
For some women, initiating takes some of the fun out of it. Personally I like my gender roles old-school – that’s what gets me off.
@100: If you get mad at your partner for not doing what you yourself refuse to do, you’re a hypocrite.
That’s not so say that you can’t find yourself an accommodation that is perfectly acceptable to both parties. There are plenty of men who like their gender roles old-school too. Just don’t do it the way that #87 seems to be going about it.