I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving
things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual
energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18).
I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women.
You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street.
He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my
feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is
your advice to me?
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I’m
going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a
“bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual
Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t
mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked
to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came
along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for
him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was
mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn’t that into me
or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is
why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging
comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on
TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down
constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did.
He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and
have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He
was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came
out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who
believed him when he said that he wasn’t really that into men.
(By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no
one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s,
straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole).
A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he’s
not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he
can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that
man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you
DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But…
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does
loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this
motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into
you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But,
like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about
what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as
that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his
true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big
women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into
your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person
you are on the inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,”
i.e., a guy who isn’t so shallow as to let a little thing like your
weight come between you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend,
FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic”
boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his
comments, FAT, whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction to
big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for
fat people. Either way, FAT, you’ve got to tell him—in no
uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don’t be
measured, don’t wrap it up in “I” statements, no mewling about your
feelings. Give him both barrels: “If you don’t knock it the
fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I’m
going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic blowup or two should
occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that
attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes
or his address does.
When I first met my
fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the
body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his
appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing
college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d
gained so much weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is
encased in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point
where I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means I
don’t have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle
way so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren’t you a shallow piece of shit. I
mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks?
What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side.
While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—”ugly” is an
entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a
Greek god” counts as “ugly”—you’re under no obligation to marry a
man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you
means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the
pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to
Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on
by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once
we’ve ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told
her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick
it off. She’s keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean
after I come. However, I’ve never been able to follow through. It’s not
a matter of some latent gay panic; I’m simply not turned on anymore at
that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to
complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife
will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of
this answer is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You’re going to have
to make him do it. You’re going to have to force him to
follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The
next time he tells you he’s going to lick his come off your tits, tell
him that you’re holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy
for him until he does. And don’t make an idle threat: If he doesn’t do
it, don’t let him fuck you again until he does. He’ll do it grudgingly,
and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But once he’s horny again, he’ll
be so turned on by the thought of what you “forced” him to do that
he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were only too recently saying,
and fuck the living shit out of you. You’re welcome.
For LIQ- guys arent the only ones who start to lose interest… I have to get ‘almost but not quite’ there repeatedly to hang in there for my long lasting guy, otherwise, I chill so thoroughly I fall asleep under him…aparently necrophilia can be a turnoff
Terry, that is awesome. I am going to try that one with my next boyfriend!
“Men who eat cum are fags”
Men who make ignorant comments like that are less likely to find anyone who’s interested in eating their cum in the first place.
FAT’s boyfriend sounds like a belittler – even if she lost weight he would ridicule something else. This is not likely to change, he has self esteem problems.
Hey Norseman: would you accept “moron” or “idiot”? Retarded, moronic and idiotic are legitimate medical terms used to describe mental capacity. So he’s not making fun of actual retarded people, he’s saying that some people have that limited mental range. GET OVER IT!
I kinda have the same issue. Things that seem really sexy to me in the heat of the moment, just arent interesting to me after I get off. When I bottom for example my BF finds it really exciting if I get off while hes fucking me, but if he’s not ready to right after that, then it annoys me because I lose most of the enjoyment from the act. So depending on how generous or horny I am at the moment I switch it up who gets things to go the way they want.. lol
Dan the MAN–you rock AGAIN!!
Your advice to FAT was absolutely perfect!
There is a difference between calling someone a retard and using practically any other slur: the group in question does not have the capacity to get offended. If someone is actually retarded, they do not have the mental capacity to feel bad when they hear that word.
“They do not have the mental capacity to feel bad when they hear that word.”
The severely impaired ones do not, but others in this community certainly are aware of the insult attached to the word “retarded.” I don’t think you’ve given us a good reason to feel free to use it as a general put-down.
I don’t think a campaign against its use in the general lexicon is going to gain any traction, though. People of limited imagination need a handy insult to use to describe those they feel are inferior to them.
I totally agree that LIQ just needs to suck it up (ok, pun intended;). So WHAT if you are no longer sexually aroused and looking forward to getting your nut off? Sex is not all about YOU but also about your partner and meeting their needs. Just do it and get over it.
If you won’t, then you are a selfish prick and SHOULD be denied pussy for the duration.
As for using the word “retarded” as a slur, I’m not too down with that myself. Like using “gay” in the same manner, it’s offensive because actual retarded or gay people didn’t CHOOSE to be that way and their state of being has nothing to do with the implied insults being hurled.
One of my daughter’s friends (both of them 9) was over recently and kept saying, “That’s so retarded!” I was just about ready to say something when she said “I’m so retarded!” and my daughter said, “no you’re not, you’re just stupid.” Good girl:)
P.S. to assume that the mentally challenged are unable to comprehend the slur “retarded” is ignorant (note I found another, more apt term to describe the situation…English has tons of them)
Mental disabilities vary widely and most I’ve know who are “retarded” are perfectly capable of grasping such concepts and language and are not terribly thrilled about them.
One reason my daughter knows the difference between “retarded” and “stupid” or “ignorant” is that her father has an adopted cousin who is mentally handicapped. He’s that way because his birth parents locked him in a closet and didn’t give him the nourishment, physical or mental, he required for proper brain development for his first few years of life.
So she KNOWS what “retarded” is, and it’s NOT some relatively fully functional individual who is simply acting like as asshole.
Dan — your description of your ex boyfriend is literally matches word for word my roommate right now, but he’s a little older… and it’s so frustrating because I just want him to be honest with me and himself. My mouth was gaping in shock… he does want the “white picket fence” family and acts as if “flamers” have a case of the gay… yet he hooks up with men when he’s drunk. He says offensive terms, and he’s the last person who should be calling people names. Anyway, thanks for revealing that experience, I really related to it.
I think that Fattie should date some stuper-fit 20-yr-old and tell him “Sorry, your ass is too OLD for me…your saggy man tits don’t do it for me any more” and then go get the bejesus banged out of her. Don’t put up with that bullshit, sista!!! MOVE ON – whether it be to a McD’s or a new love. 🙂
to FAT,
I’m sure your’e man ain’t all that himself, so give him a taste of his own medicine and pick on him for a change…or save yourself the trouble and just dump his ass.
One of my daughter’s friends (both of them 9) was over recently and kept saying, “That’s so retarded!” I was just about ready to say something when she said “I’m so retarded!” and my daughter said, “no you’re not, you’re just stupid.” Good girl:)
I like this. Retarded people have a good excuse for their diminished mental capacity. Plain ol’ regular dumb shits don’t. This makes it intensely unfair to associate retardation with the sort of willful ignorance that causes perfectly able-brained people to refuse to use the ol’ gray matter.
That said…I think we’re getting to a place with the word “retard” where we can separate the clinical meaning from the casual meaning and the two will branch off from each other. Like the word “dumb” or the word “right” (meaning “morally correct” – yes, this was originally a slur against left-handed people). Maybe. Only time will tell for sure, and in the mean time, I’d rather be safe than sorry. For all the whining people do about being “PC,” good manners and tact never hurt anyone, so quit your goddamn bitching, you whiny little twerps.
Dear FAT:
Dan’s got a great suggestion: DTMFA.
This inhuman scumbag obviously doesn’t deserve you! It sounds like he’s not willing to grow with you, either.
Move onward and upward.
I left a scumbag asshole like that recently and am much better off for it. Unless you’re really into S & M, who needs abuse?
oh, aren’t I lucky. my bf is usually good for at least two, no problem. he finds this typical, doesn’t believe me when I tell him he’s exceptional 🙂
I would just like to point out that retarded is no longer the accepted term for people with mental disabilities, and considering I work with developmentally disabled people, I should know. My specialty is autism, but there are many people there who fall under the blanket mental disability term in different ways including down’s syndrome. Retarded is regarded as offensive as a term for these people, and is probably acceptable for use as a term meaning “unintelligent” at this point, because its no longer clinically used.
Can we NOT talk about developmentally disabled people on this forum please??? I thought we came here to talk about sex and relationships! THANK YOU!
I would like to say that the bisexual community, by and large, gets up in arms when it might appear that someone doesn’t except their sexual orientation. As a member of this community, I am aware of the problems that are faced…but may I suggest that people just chill the fuck out?? Why does everyone need to be so goddamn pc??
Getting your partner to do anything new is always a challenge. Good Luck hunny!
Hey “only angry”, I’m a tried and true bisexual and GLBT activist etc and it seems to me you totally didn’t get what he said. People get angry so quickly, looking for that insult. It wasn’t there.
I actually like that Dan’s gotten a lot friendlier toward us bisexuals over the years. Back when I forst read Savage Love I felt like he was insulting bisexuals or just flat out denying their existence every second week. I think Dan’s comment today was a sly reference to the many bisexuals (including myself) who have written him angry letters over the years. These days, he’s downright civil toward us! 🙂
As for guys for whom it’s all over after one orgasm, I’m usually in that camp (I used to have two or three in me when I was younger, but I haven’t been able to do that since my mid-twenties, except on special occasions).
You can fit that description and still be a good lover. All you have to do is know your limits, know your body, and pace yourself. It isn’t hard to make sure your partner (or partners!) have had all the fun they need before you let yourself go, especially in a long-term relationship in which you can really learn your partner’s rhythms). It just takes bit of self-control and consideration.
I could be wrong, but I always took Dan’s claim that “there’s no such thing as a bisexual” (or something to that effect) as being directed towards which sex a person is fundamentally drawn to, not who they are sexually attracted to or sleep with. There’s no question there are plenty of people who are bisexual in that they enjoy having sex with people of both sexes but I feel that when it comes to “falling in love”, or a strong emotional connection, the vast majority are fundamentally drawn to one sex over the other.
As for the come-eating/licking thing, it’s always amazed me that guys who love it when their wife or girlfriend let them come in their mouth get all freaked out at the thought of their own tongue or lips touching their come. Are they afraid a drop of their own come on their lips is going to turn them gay?
guys, bisexual was in quotes because the guy was actually plain old gay, and only half-out-of-the closet during their courtship.
just to clarify.
Guys eating their own cum is not gay. I won’t let my boyfriend cum in my mouth unless he’s fully aware that there’s a Very VERY good chance that I’m gonna put it in his mouth, and I do. Not every time, but there’s something sexy knowing that I can and I will.