I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving
things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual
energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18).
I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women.
You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street.
He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my
feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is
your advice to me?
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I’m
going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a
“bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual
Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t
mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked
to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came
along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for
him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was
mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn’t that into me
or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is
why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging
comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on
TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down
constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did.
He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and
have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He
was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came
out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who
believed him when he said that he wasn’t really that into men.
(By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no
one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s,
straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole).
A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he’s
not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he
can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that
man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you
DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But…
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does
loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this
motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into
you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But,
like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about
what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as
that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his
true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big
women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into
your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person
you are on the inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,”
i.e., a guy who isn’t so shallow as to let a little thing like your
weight come between you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend,
FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic”
boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his
comments, FAT, whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction to
big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for
fat people. Either way, FAT, you’ve got to tell him—in no
uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don’t be
measured, don’t wrap it up in “I” statements, no mewling about your
feelings. Give him both barrels: “If you don’t knock it the
fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I’m
going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic blowup or two should
occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that
attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes
or his address does.
When I first met my
fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the
body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his
appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing
college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d
gained so much weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is
encased in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point
where I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means I
don’t have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle
way so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren’t you a shallow piece of shit. I
mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks?
What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side.
While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—”ugly” is an
entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a
Greek god” counts as “ugly”—you’re under no obligation to marry a
man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you
means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the
pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to
Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on
by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once
we’ve ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told
her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick
it off. She’s keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean
after I come. However, I’ve never been able to follow through. It’s not
a matter of some latent gay panic; I’m simply not turned on anymore at
that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to
complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife
will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of
this answer is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You’re going to have
to make him do it. You’re going to have to force him to
follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The
next time he tells you he’s going to lick his come off your tits, tell
him that you’re holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy
for him until he does. And don’t make an idle threat: If he doesn’t do
it, don’t let him fuck you again until he does. He’ll do it grudgingly,
and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But once he’s horny again, he’ll
be so turned on by the thought of what you “forced” him to do that
he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were only too recently saying,
and fuck the living shit out of you. You’re welcome.
Actually, I kind of see it as an OBLIGATION to finish your partner off if you come first, or at least help him/her finish him/herself off. It’s an obligation that one should fulfill cheerfully and with gusto, but an obligation nonetheless.
This week is about stereotypes. And Dan often uses “retarded”
I’ve tried to email Dan about this. He get’s a lot of email and missed it or just ignored it. Perhaps he responded to me, and it got lost in my junk filter. This is not off topic.
If Dan expects dignity for a minority to which he belongs ( gay marriage ) why would he not support it for all minorities through his constant abuse of the word “retarded” as a writer in a very public forum.
Dan’s readers seem to love or accept the “retarded” adjective. Dan would not dare use a stereotype like the N word because readers would respond and he would lose a significant percentage of readership and possibly his job.
Dan has thrown himself into this much like right wing people don’t want to be called for their lazy language and stereotypes. One might add fat phobic people.
I’m a long time fan of Dan. This is more about our culture than Dan. Dan long ago had readers call out to him with “hey faggot” which had less stir because he is gay. I don’t think he has the same right to so freely abuse other stereotypes.
there are many more examples:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Hey Beth, I’m sure you’ve got a button that is pressed by people who put you down with words. You seem to get all bent out of shape even at me.
You don’t deserved to be put down, but the next time you find someone offending you, listen to the excuses they might offer in defense of your humiliation. If you listen, they sound just like y o u. get it? Or are you , well, impeded by your lack of hypocrisy awareness.
There’s a great scene in Spike Lee’s “do the right thing” and Beth, you fight right in there, we all might in times of error. But are we aware of the differences between what we expect and what we do?
Thank you, Dan, for advising FAT to stand up for herself while trying to save an otherwise good relationship. ALL relationships have their rough spots and sore topics, and this could be stopped and wake up FAT’s boyfriend in the process. There are so many people with continuing bad habits that no one has the guts to point out, and then they feel as though they are doing nothing wrong.
Geez, I wish my last girlfriend had been a quite cummer. She was of the young twenties type who’s grown up seeing porn since being a teen, and I think it polluted her ability to behave sexually. All i got was, ‘yeah, come on babe, I’m cumming, …’ constant porn cliches. At first I thought she was faking, but after a couple years realized that was just the way she experienced it. I tried getting her to shut up – at least after she came. Totally a concentration wrecker, and it couldn’t help but seem fake to an older guy who heard – porn talk=fake, since porn is basically fake at some level.
FIR5T for ANDY!!!
are you a friend of Dorothy?
here’s a great spike lee clip about stereotypes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOxOR3x8F…
i think FAT’s boyfriend is a passive aagressive A-hole. I got into a bad habit of put downs and snide remarks with my gal and it didn’t stop until she left me sitting at a restaurant table suddenly by myself. That was my wake up call. Her BF really doesn’t like himself, he just takes it’s out on her for being with him!
I agree with your advice to FAT, Dan, but I have to add one more thing:
FAT shouldn’t be afraid of standing up to him cause she thinks no one else will want her. First of all, size 18 isn’t that big (or unhealthy), secondly, there are so many men who love big women out there that if this guy won’t shape up, he should be replaced.
Hey Norseman, Dan addresses your concerns in this week’s podcast. You should check it out.
“Only Angry @Stereotypes” is being silly–Come on, the reason stereotypes exist is that there are just enough people who fit them to sustain the false image. Like the “Get Over Yourself Indignant Liberal and/or Persecuted Minority.” Of course there are actual persecuted minorities, but this sure isn’t the way to win people to their corner.
I wanted to say that I really enjoyed the way DS handled FAT; well-timed, controlled “angry” responses (damn those quotation marks!) are like small explosive charges used in making roads or bringing down buildings. You don’t need huge amounts, just enough, and well-placed, used strategically.
I’ve also experienced the sudden and complete change of mind about tasting or swallowing my own cum.
The way my wife and I succeeded at snowballing was all due to speed. At the very first spurt of cum, she immediately shot up and kissed me, squirting it into my mouth while I was still orgasming.
The point is to taste and swallow cum, not to get every last little drop of a load.
This way I was still in ‘the zone’ — very horny and very turned on by this. If she had waited until I was finished, I might easily had said, “Mmm… maybe not, dear.”
So – be quick! Or – after the first shot on your tits – squeeze the shit out of his dick until he licks it up.
I have a beef with Dan’s suggestion to “Fat and Tired” to use the implied threat of physical violence to get her way: “Scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that attached to—-when he slips up.”
On rare occasions, yelling at a guy is the only way to get him to listen to you. This method should be used with care, though, because letting anger out this way tends to snowball.
Smashing things (unless you’re punching a pillow) can lead to physical violence, too. A person may think, “Well, I felt better after I threw that bowl across the room,” so the next time, he/she may aim it at the other person’s head.
As someone who’s been the favorite target of a very angry woman, I would encourage Dan to advise people in this situation to break up with their partners if they can’t find healthier ways to communicate with them.
In a healthy relationship, problems get solved via good communication, not screaming, yelling, and/or smashing things.
I wouldn’t put up with a partner who says (in effect): “I don’t care for the way you look, and I’m going to badger you about it until you do what I want you to do.” I’d tell the guy who operates that way to get lost! I think “Fat and Tired” should get up the courage to do the same, and find someone who will appreciate her as she is.
Fat and Tired, ask yourself: are you better off being with this guy, and feeling lonely because he isn’t happy with himself and takes it out on you, or would you be happier if you were single and seeking someone with whom you’ll be a better fit? If you think it’s the former, get some counseling, please, and figure out how to value yourself more. You’re worth it.
Oh shit, the PC police is here.
My boyfriend and I are the opposite–if he comes first, he sticks around to make sure I get off; but all I want to do after coming is roll over, cuddle a bit, and go to sleep >.
FAT really should just sit on her boyfriend.
He’ll have two choices.
Either die from suffocation, or change his ways.
There, problem solved 🙂
@cc — my guy was kind of quiet too, and he tended not to be very, well, “active” while coming either, esp. during blowjobs. Who knows why? Maybe someone yelled at him once for moving while being blown. But I find his arousal and orgasms reaallyyy hottttt . . . so I started a gentle campaign of telling him so during the warm afterglow period. Stuff like, “It’s really hot when I can feel you come.” Or “I really got off on feeling you come.” It’s worked. He doesn’t exactly go off like a rodeo bronc (which is probably good in certain instances), but he’s a lot more emotive these days.
“much more serious case of the gay”…LMAO!
Great advice, Dan. No one should EVER tolerate abuse because some prick feels the need to make himself better for whatever reason.
I hope she dumps this asshole.
About FAT:
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
“A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does.”
The problem with it is in order to ‘reform’ him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He’s an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that ‘makes’ you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can’t fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to ‘bully’ her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to ‘look down’ on her for.
CC, one trick is to ask him to tell you how good (or not) something is by making a noise. If he doesn’t want to use words then when he likes it he can just moan a little, and the more he likes it the more/louder he should moan. If it doesn’t feel good he should be quiet. Of course most things feel good to most guys and since you can probably play his body like violin it shouldn’t be too hard to get him vocalising. Start off a little clumsy, and then become more intense, letting him think that you are being guided by his sounds. As his pleasure builds he’ll get noisier and by the time he squirts the neighbours should be banging on the walls and shouting out for him to shut the **** up!
Hope that helps.
Maybe LIQ needs to go work out some, get a little exercise, so he gains some stamina and can go another round once in a while.
Guys losing interest in sex immediately after coming is nothing more than evolution at work. The caveman/monkey/whatever who lost interest and got back up on his feet to guard the camp avoided being attacked by saber toothed tigers, other cavemen, etc., lived longer as a result, and passed his post coital disinterest seed on to his offspring.
post coital disinterest seed… that’s good :o)
actually bojangles sucking cock and fucking guys up the ass is homo…. licking your own come up is just recycling
I used to be a quiet cummer…. trying to masturbate in places and not be heard takes its toll. But after living for a while in private I’ve gotten a lot louder. It’s taken years though.
My current girlfriend makes noises like a porno, and I happen to know for a fact she’s never seen one in her life. This is crazy to me. Well, the content is the same, anyway, but the inflection is a lot more dynamic.
Thanks Electra….
I am a thinner woman (5’5″ 120 lbs) who dated a guy that professed to hate/be disgusted by fat women. His ex-wife “got fat” and he couldn’t stand for her to touch him and his baby’s mama got fat and lazy. His words, not mine. Anyway, he dumped me (thank whatever god had a hand in that) and is now in a relationship with a girl that, as he use to say, “has a fat ass and more than a muffin top.” Probably treats her the same way FAT’s boyfriend treats her. I guess I just wasn’t enough woman for him…and my skinny ass is happy to be done with him for a whole host of reasons. I did follow some advice you gave a while ago about getting over a break-up: Masturbate. Hang out with friends. Repeat. Some of the best advice ever. Thanks Dan.
I got over the post ejaculation problem (which is caused by a hormone naturally released after ejaculation) by using a subliminal computer program which I also use for other things. Now the problem is moot as I seldom ejaculate because of my age (81) and because it takes me two days to recover my desires which interferes with my normal daily masturbation activity.
Dan’s funny podcasts on “gay” and “retarded” were helpful. I think Dan nailed it. Both the caller and I objected because we are high school teachers. With elections and prop 8 passing I thought he had gone nuts and given up on sex advice. Let’s have more sex advice and less lazy adjectives.
Dan knows where I’m coming from.
I may be oversensitive here, but the advice to LIQ strikes me as a bit off. What if Dan advised a guy to “force” a girl to do something that she would “hate while[s]he was doing it”? If a girl said she was fine with anal, then changed her mind, would Dan tell her boyfriend to force her to do it or else deny her sex?
Yeah, it’s something LIQ has said he’ll do, but if he doesn’t want to at the time, he doesn’t want to. You’re allowed to change your “yes” to “no” at any point, aren’t you? If LIQ asks his wife to force him, that’s fine – but if the wife does it of her own accord, that’s a little sketchy, IMO. I think LIQ should either man up and put his money where his mouth is, ***of his own free will***, or else stop leading his wife on without following through.
Dan, your comment to Fat and Teased is so savagely potent and true. Thanks for keeping it real.
I hope Kirk R. is kidding cause the “post-coital disinterest” of most guys I’ve been with seems to be expressed by promptly passing the fuck out, which would surely lead to being EATEN by the saber toothed tiger.
And Masturbate til I die- thanks for bringing the creepy.
oh thank god i’m a lesbian.
I’m missing your analogy there, “Only Angry @Stereotypes”. I think Dan is referring to the fed-up defenders of bisexuality, who take so much heat from condescending know-it-alls claiming that true male bisexuality doesn’t really exist. Not because “Angry Bisexuals” have Kick the Dog syndrome.
to FAT: I have to back up what Dan is saying. I had a similar situation (not with bad comments about me, but bad attitude about unrelated things)that would crop up from time to time from an otherwise awesome guy. After a few times of “I will not take this crap from you – stop or leave” rants, it eventually took, and I married the now-perfect one.
Men who eat cum are fags. Ipso Facto, fatso.
As a bisexual (as in into both guys and girls, and some somewhere in betweens as well), I’m not offended by you Dan, your ex-boyfriend however. Geeze, I wish people like him wouldn’t use the word ‘bisexual’ it makes us look… so annoying.
In the past however I have objected to a few statements that seemed a bit over general, but I’ve pretty much always agreed with your advice (for example the gay man with the married bisexual boyfriend, you were totally right) though there are bisexuals who don’t end up with a partner of the opposite sex, and we’re not all douche bags like the guy in the column. Basically bisexual or not married men (or women) that repeatedly tell their bit on the side that they’ll leave their spouse for them are a douche baggy population.
In my continuing rant about the perception of bisexuals (not your perception Dan, you seem to be pretty cool about us switch hitters) is that why is it whenever a lesbian chick gets dumped by a bisexual girl and the bisexual girl goes on to date a dude is it assumed that the bisexual girl left the lesbian because the bisexual girl broke up with the lesbian, not because of relationship/compatibility issues, but most certainly because the bisexual girl felt the need to conform to social norms (or because she wanted dick instead of pussy, to be crude) why can’t the bisexual chick ever just have had issues with the girl she was dating? Why can’t it ever be about “well actually no, we broke up because she kept blaring the same Paul Anka album all the time and I never got any sleep” or “Well actually, no, it was because she smelled funny” or “well actually no, it was because her favorite movie was 30 first dates” or… ANYTHING BUT THE GODDAMN BISEXUALITY. Not that I’m never saying there’s never any chance it might be the bisexuality, but I think in a certain way, blaming the bisexual is the ultimate “it’s not me its her” it takes all blame off the bisexual’s lovelorn ex, it wasn’t anything they did, it was just that a case of a bisexual being bisexual.
My first partner was a girl, we were together for three years and we broke up because we grew apart, she wanted to be an accountant, and I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be wild, and she wanted to be comfortable, and I wanted monogamy, and she didn’t (both of which are fine decisions, but we just weren’t compatible any longer), and into my life walks a boy, a rock musician, into traveling, into monogamy and long term commitment. His name is Lillie, I like how he looks dressed up as a school girl (or naughty librarian), and I’m more than happy to be on his arm in public with him wearing a dress and a full face of makeup, I’ve introduced him to my mom and dad with him wearing a skirt.
Now, if my first girlfriend had remained the punk rock photographer she was when I met her, I’d probably still be with her, and I’ve never cared what’s up Lillie’s skirt.
I know not everyone thinks this about bisexuals, but I know a lot of lesbians that won’t date bi chicks because they don’t want to deal with the girl “turning straight on them” and I mean, yes that’s their prerogative, but come on, for goodness sake, more often than the relationship ends not because of the parts someone does or doesn’t have, but because of who they are, because of their snoring, evil pets, high levels of crazy, powerpuff girls sheets, collection of bottle caps, intense career, inability to pronounce bagel, constantly mismatched socks, snooty country club affiliation, racism, preference for grapes over blueberries, anal retentiveness, unsanitary bathroom, or whatever other trait might possibly have made them incompatible with their partner.
I’m sorry “only angry @stereotypes” but GOD! Stop living up to all lesbian stereotypes everywhere. Are you listening? That “bisexual” wasn’t actually bi — he was GAY! and he later admitted it. So stop being so fucking sensitive already!
Tex messsages are bogus, as the kids be saying.
Excellent response to the Size 18 woman, Dan. I think you’ve nailed it.
Hmmm answer. I’m one of those quiet cummers, however, I don’t lose interest in what’s going on. My BF misses my cumming and will ask. Like yea, 15 minutes ago and don’t stop what you’re doing.
If FAT does what you advise her to, Dan, she will end up with a black eye or worse.
Trying to abuse/violently confront an abuser DOES NOT WORK. It only escalates the problem.
I agree that women in their 60s have a hard time finding partners, so this asswipe should get one warning talk on the subject. Only one, and then he´s out.
Unfortunately this kind of behavior in a 60 year old man is probably quite ingrained and its likely a hopeless case. Some people need to psychologically destroy their partners as part of a power trip. She probably can´t stay with him.
However, I can say as an older woman who´s dating with the demographics against her, I all too often find that if a man is still single at that age, there always is a damn good reason for it! Good luck FAT, you will need it.
About FAT:
No > NO > NO
Sorry I do not agree with the advice.
“A strategic blowup or two should occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does.”
The problem with it is in order to ‘reform’ him she has to become a ugly person on the inside. He’s an asshole why should she become one to stay with him?
Never stay with someone that ‘makes’ you compromise your own values or makes you be a worse person to be with.
You can’t fight abuse with abuse. It only creates a unhealthy emotionally destructive cycle.
When FAT looks in the mirror instead of seeing a good yet overweight woman she will see the person who just had a temper tantrum broke things and tried to ‘bully’ her boyfriend into not emotionally abusing her.
She will only give him something else to ‘look down’ on her for.
Ok, seriously, retarded is a perfectly fine adjective to use to describe mentally deficient people. All the sissies who get their panties in a bunch about the un-PC-ness of this should probably not be esposing their delicate virginal minds to the HORROR that is this column. And no one who is retarded should be reading it and then having sex either, we don’t need THAT drama. People sure do take themselves seriously.
I hate when the guy cums and then BAM its over. Goodnight, please leave or just lay there. This has happened with ex-boyfriend and one night stands. Maybe us women shouldn’t let them come until they get us to come, even if it takes all day
cc – yep, mine’s the same way and it’s like “man…give me a sign!” I actually have to ask on occasion if he even did.
I don’t know what the answer is. I’d prefer he make some noise but to be honest he’s kind of a quiet guy in general.
i agree with your advice to FAT, except for the part where you suggest she smash stuff. the guy might actually come to a point where he can admit that FAT is sexy. however, i seriously doubt he will find any sexiness in “FAT & Crazy.”
regarding:
“I was at an LGBT conference this weekend that discussed how prevalent prejudice against bisexuals is, even among LGBT’s… “
conferences like that are led by people who get off on the sound of their own voice and attended by people who thrive on the victim mentality. there are enough real victims in the LGBT community without having to invent new ones. You put the wuss in the word wuss.
Thank you, Dan for pointing out that sometimes we can dispense with the “talk in I terms” crap. That approach may work well on a rehearsed episode of Dr. Phil, but in real life the “I” statements bit does not work and one needs to speak from the gut and put it in “you” statements.
an old girlfriend would make me go down on her after I climaxed. Her idea was she always came last and too bad if I didn’tlike it – I learned to like it.