My 13-year-old son came out to us this morning. He plans to tell his brothers in the next few days. We love and accept our son, and this news isn’t surprising (but when will the stereotypical neatness kick in?), but we do have some concerns. He has, apparently, already made the news public at school. Any pointers you can give? We want to make sure he knows that we love him and don’t care about his sexuality, while at the same time preparing him to deal with those people who do. Also, any advice you can give for when he starts dating would be appreciated.
Dad Seeks Support
“On behalf of advocates for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth everywhere, let me be the first to say ‘thank you,'” says Eliza Byard, executive director of GLSEN (www.glsen.org), the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, which works to create safe school environments for LGBT—and straight—youth. “Simply by giving your son your love and support, you have already significantly increased his chances of living a happy and fulfilling life. The importance of an accepting home cannot be overstated.” (The damage that can be done by a hostile family also cannot be overstated: LGBT youth whose families are hostile are eight times likelier to commit suicide than their straight peers. Hostile parents can’t make their gay kids straight, but they can make them dead.)
“The bad news is that school can be a miserable place for LGBT youth,” says Byard. “GLSEN’s 2009 National School Climate Survey found that nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT teens experienced harassment in school in the past year. The good news is that engaged parents can make a huge difference.”
So, DSS, while it’s admirable that you want your son to understand that you “don’t care about his sexuality,” you also have to make your son understand that you care about him and that you’re aware of the challenges he faces.
“Talk to your son and learn more about his school and his experiences there since coming out,” advises Byard. “What kind of response has he received? What supports are in place for him at school? Does the school have a Gay-Straight Alliance? Do students have access to LGBT-affirming resources in the library? Does the school have policies that address bullying? Are there adults in the school community whom he trusts and feels are supportive?”
Call your son’s school, DSS, and set up a meeting. Making sure his teachers and school administrators know that you’re on your son’s side—and they know you intend to hold them accountable—can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for your son at school.
“Send a GLSEN Safe Space Kit (www.safespacekit.com) to your son’s school to give educators the tools they need to provide support and create a safe space in their classroom for your son,” advises Byard. “Visible signs of support, such as a GLSEN Safe Space sticker on a door, can fundamentally alter the school experience of an LGBT youth by helping them identify those adults in the community who are supportive.”
As for dating and sex…
“Treat your son with the same awkwardness you would your other kids,” says Byard. “I’m speaking as a mom myself now. Make sure he has access to all the health and safety information he needs. (Sitting down to watch reruns of Will & Grace together won’t cut it.) I have two daughters and want to be absolutely sure they have access to all the information they need to make smart and healthy—and potentially life-saving!—decisions. Make yourself available to talk whenever he needs and welcome his boyfriends inside the house the same way you would if they were girlfriends.”
I’m into BDSM and my safe word is “safe word.” It’s short, memorable, and unmistakable in its intent. Someone recently told me that “any serious BDSM player” would laugh me out of the community if I used that. Is she right? Is she just being a dickhead? Should I have to say something silly like “grapefruit” in order to get my point across?
Grapefruits Aren’t Good
I may not be the best person to adjudicate this dispute, GAG, as my safe word is “popcorn.” (And, yes, I cross my arms over my chest when I use it, as demonstrated here: tinyurl.com/safewordpopcorn.) But in my opinion, the woman who informed you that you would be laughed out of “the community” for your choice of safe word is being a huge dickhead. In fact, it sounds like she has a bad case of You’re Doing It Wrong.
YDIW is a social-skills disorder that members of the BDSM community are at particular risk of acquiring. (Others at heightened risk: religious conservatives, sports fans, advice columnists.) BDSMers with YDIW feel they have a right to inform other BDSMers that they’re doing it wrong—whatever it might be—even if the “it” being done wrong poses no risk to the YDIW sufferer or anyone else.
BDSM players should speak up, of course, when they witness other BDSMers doing something dangerously wrong. BDSMers who observe dangerous or nonconsensual play at public parties have a responsibility to speak the fuck up before someone is seriously injured. The secondary, tertiary, and quaternary goals of creating a BDSM community were the sharing of skills, the promotion of good play practices, and the holding of dangerous or malicious players to account, respectively. (The primary goal? Getting BDSMers laid.) But some BDSMers confuse a responsibility to speak up when they witness dangerous play for an invitation to critique other people’s kinks, sexual interests, preferred fetish roles, safe words, etc.
YDIW in BDSMers—and social conservatives—can be treated and cured through the application of “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK, ASSHOLE.” It should be applied liberally whenever YDIW flares up.
I enjoyed your pieces and posts about monogamish couples. However, it’s time for a Savage Love column or two dedicated to people who are in successful monogamous relationships! I have been with my partner for 10 years. Sure, we’ll both flirt with a cute waiter and dance with hot guys at gay clubs, but we always go home together. It pisses me off when people assume that, because we are gay, we’re having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Couple Of Compatible Keepers
That’s a wonderful idea, COCK.
People in successful, long-term monogamous relationships—even those of you who aren’t but think you are—are invited to send in their stories. Letters from monogamous sufferers of YDIW will not make it into the column, however. If you can’t write about your monogamous relationship without disparaging those in nonmonogamous or monogamish relationships then, um, you’re doing it wrong. (I told you advice columnists were at heightened risk of YDIW.) Tell us why monogamy works for you, how you’ve made it work, and what the upsides are. But please refrain from telling everyone who isn’t doing it the way you do it that they’re doing it wrong. That’s my job.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADA’S UNKNOWN LAWYER: Next time there’s a legal hiccup in the fair application of Canada’s marriage laws where same-sex couple are concerned, let’s err on the side of not declaring thousands of same-sex marriages—mine included—to be “invalid,” shall we? Let’s skip the shitstorm next time and jump right to the fair and just resolution.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
@39/41: The idea of “treating your son’s boyfriends like they’re his girlfriends” is good intro-level advice, for parents who are not quite comfortable with their son’s homosexuality. But DSS does not need the intro advice: he seems fully accepting of his son and loves him unconditionally. So for gay-friendly parents, I think the better advice is to treat your son’s gentleman callers as if they were courting your daughter.
@43: You might want to keep in mind that 13-year-olds are not 30-year-olds, and that junior high / high-schoolers are much more influenced by social roles and expectations than adults are. Our society characterizes men as sexual aggressors and women as hard-to-get, so it’s hardly surprising that young adults, struggling to define their own identities and understand their own sexuality, might latch on to the “expected” roles.
As @45 said, there’s a difference between promoting a viewpoint and being cautious of it.
I would love to say that I have *a lot* of fun in here, enjoying you all. You all f***ing Rock!
Please Take Your Bows: Individually As Well As Collectively 🙂 .
Props of course to Mssr. Dan and to his cohort, the most-mysterious and enigmatic “@fakedansavage” courtesy of twitter.
Peace Y’All 🙂 .
+~+
p.s.: I now rescind my offer for physical retaliation for the futile exercise of giving Santorum a sound palm-to-noggin thrashing. It wouldn’t improve anything: it would only stir about, splash and leak from his orifices the vile, noxious waste product that begs to seep from his orifices and pores: the emulsified remnants of he and his poopy-headed idealogies. Not to worry; his tent will be packed, folded and shop closed down by no later than a month.
No one gives a shit: he’s just the last one to know, as usual lol.
Rick Santorum For The Bathouse 2012!
@ 35, Crinoline: Awesome advice, this following bit, if I may quote you:
“Encourage him to keep a harassment/teasing diary.”
That *Is* Brilliant as an idea. It helps you to understand and absorb stuff quicker when you write it down sometimes. It helps you to gain a better, more well-rounded perspective, so you can be armed with as much poise, street smarts and cool as you can.
P.S.: I meant to say Bath House, not Bathouse.
My condolences to the Wayne family as well as Batman(tm) 😉 .
@ 52, Not normal, just happy. I’ll never be normal lol, but I’m rather happy. Never really was, until… 🙂 .
@30 – can you imagine what these people would be like if they negotiated like that in other aspects of life? “No, I don’t want an interest rate of 4.25%, it’s too low.” “I’d love to hear about your time-share proposal – please, tell me more!” “No, please keep my account open and continue to charge me interest, fees, and penalties!” It’s like living in Oppositeville. I think you’re too kind in calling that person simply clueless, and I hope you came out of it okay.
I don’t know if I’ll need this advice or not (2 kids with orientation so far undetermined), but I’m wondering how parents of gay kids handle sleepovers. It’s pretty straightforward with hetero kids, like my oldest. Same sex sleepovers are just dependent on if you want to allow that kid to stay over. Opposite sex (until you decide it’s okay for your kid to have sex in your house) are not allowed or require some kind of enforced separation. So with gay kids, do you just do vice versa, allow sleepovers with opposite gender friends but not with same gender?
@ 58, snoozn: Good question. Sometimes though, there’s friends that anyone has, even if you’re both gay or lesbian, etc., where there’s no overt sexual tension, so therefore, it would be like a regular sleepover…
It all depends on the age, too, of course… I pretty much knew myself that I was probably going to be gay when I was like three years-old.. I Just Knew. Very strange to think about, even now..
I never had sleepovers with any gay friends, etc.. Shit, I barely even had gay friends until well into my early 20’s (late bloomer, here).
I think the same set of standards and rules should apply to any childhood couple: gay, straight, lesbian, bi, transgendered.. Why should the general rules be any different, especially when it’s all basically young kids living under your roof during that time? It *is* a tough call on one hand..
You wanna be cool parents, but you also have to be *parents* at the end of the day.
If you think Johnny’s little friend is going to befriend Johnny while they sleep upstairs in the fort that built out of blankets and furniture…then well, maybe getting to know your own kids and their friends is the best medicine of all.
Sounds plausible 🙂 lol.
GAG, “safeword” is arguably the best safeword. It’s unambiguous and attracts the attention of other players in a group setting. Don’t play with someone who has issues with it. It is for YOUR security, not their ego (and the person who put you down for using it is not someone you need to form a relationship with).
DSS, thank you. You’ve already done a lot more than far too many fathers in my parents’ generation did to make your son’s life better. That’s not a reason to stop. In dealing with the inevitable issues, keep your sense of scale. Is the situation something that a teenager should be learning to handle on his own? Is it something that it is within his capability to handle on his own? (Single other kid calling him “Fag!” in the hall–yeah, sort of on his own on that one; teacher telling the class that homosexuals are destined to unhappiness, early death, and an eternal lake of fire in Algebra–make the first visit to the principal with your wife and without your lawyer as a sign that you have confidence in his ability to manage his faculty & if the response is remotely mushy, make clear you will release the hounds of hell and then do so if necessary.)
PFLAG: Even if you’re not much of a joiner, they’re worth having in your bookmarks. Who knows? You could end up chapter president.
@ 44, hrchick: Well said. To quote you:
“The parent who “doesn’t care about [their son’s] sexuality” might need to rethink that phrasing. (“I don’t care” sounds a bit hostile.)
I care about my kids’ sexuality, and I’m sure that this person cares about their kids’ as well. I think what the LW means to say is that “I am neutral about my son’s sexual orientation, but want to support his developing sexuality so that it becomes a source of joy, inspiration and love for his lifetime.”
Exactly. I just want my kids to be happy, healthy and as well-adjusted as I can provide. Loving your kids unconditionally: it’s what you do. No one really has a choice about what their sexual orientation is gonna be: only a choice to not suffer for it with abuse, silence or denial.
It takes guts to stand up for yourself honestly: LGBT or not. Love and support, man: it goes a long way.
@44/61
I’d go one better than saying “neutral,” even. Neutrality or indifference suggests that there is a preferred orientation, but you’re putting up with the alternative because you’re a supportive person. Can’t you just be happy that your kid knows who he is?
It occurs to me that age 13 maybe a little early for any hard and fast pronouncements of what a teen’s orientation is. But, given that I’m not familar with either the teen in question, the family, nor the process of coming out, perhaps it isn’t too soon.
I would have counseled that the teen should keep it to themself for now, and see if they still feel that way later…but that the parents still love and support them. (I know some will rally at the thought of having to keep one’s orientation quiet… but it’s just a bit early to be making permanent statements, in my book.
Some people change their minds. Some experiment later and modify their lifestyles both ways. I just think 13 is a bit young…. for everything.
@59, thanks for the input. I agree that mostly I’d want to be fair about it. I want all my kids to feel like they’re living with the same set of rules, even when those rules may be different from other households. Which means that by about puberty, no sleepovers with whatever gender he/she is attracted to. At least not until he/she is mature enough and has a partner who I trust enough to allow for “that kind of sleepover.”
Of course I’m still stuck because my two near- or at-puberty kids don’t seem to be attracted to either gender as far as I can tell. At least neither is too big on sleepovers at the moment either!
@57 and 30, about “Oppositeville” negotiating… my very abusive ex was like that in ‘negotiation’. We went through a phase of telling each other what we liked and disliked, loved and couldn’t stand. He did what I liked a few times before it clearly bored him, but he would not stop with doing what I didn’t like. It was like I’d given him a shopping list of how to harass me and he couldn’t stop trying to check those boxes off.
But he was a complete asshole, not clueless.
@63: no, absolutely not. You are correct that 13 is much to young to be making set-in-stone statements about one’s identity. My experience of my sexuality has changed in major ways since I was 13.
That said, you can be “out” at 13 and change later, I know people who have done it, I know people who have been “out” as questioning as well. Kids and teens need to have space to explore themselves and their identity OPENLY without fear of judgement or censure (especially from parents). “Keeping it to himself” would have meant hiding what he was going through. One can speak about things without them being “permanent statements” and sexuality doesn’t have to be a permanent statement to be a valid discussion.
I think the idea that being out means making a serious and non-voidable declaration is a bit dangerous. I’ve had bi friends who came out as gay first and changed later, and OH! the vilification and unpleasantness from people. What we need is to give people space to explore, expecting a 13 year old to hold true to the things they say about themselves for ever is just as dumb as asking them to clam up about it until they are 100% sure.
@63: At 13, I knew I liked girls. Not only did I have a long and glorious tradition of getting a new crush on a girl each school year, but by 13 I was having (literal) dreams about fucking girls, usually one or two nights per week.
So I can easily imagine a 13-year-old knowing exactly whom he wants to kiss/love/fuck, as much as that squicks me out today. They’re just kids, for gawd’s sake!
@63: no, absolutely not. You are correct that 13 is much to young to be making set-in-stone statements about one’s identity. My experience of my sexuality has changed in major ways since I was 13.
That said, you can be “out” at 13 and change later, I know people who have done it, I know people who have been “out” as questioning as well. Kids and teens need to have space to explore themselves and their identity OPENLY without fear of judgement or censure (especially from parents). “Keeping it to himself” would have meant hiding what he was going through. One can speak about things without them being “permanent statements” and sexuality doesn’t have to be a permanent statement to be a valid discussion.
I think the idea that being out means making a serious and non-voidable declaration is a bit dangerous. I’ve had bi friends who came out as gay first and changed later, and OH! the vilification and unpleasantness from people. What we need is to give people space to explore, expecting a 13 year old to hold true to the things they say about themselves for ever is just as dumb as asking them to clam up about it until they are 100% sure.
@58
Classic parental leotardation.
I don’t know what’s worse. The idea that you can stop your kids from having sex via any control mechanism? That it’s somehow better if they have sex in a park somewhere? Or the idea that you cannot share a room with someone of the sex you’re attracted to without fucking?
Or maybe just try bundling bags.
@58: If you have a gay child, then sleepovers with anyone are ok, because nobody can get pregnant, which is the big life-ruining consequence of teenagers of opposite genders associating.
@70
Um, no.
Pregnancy is not the worst consequence of sex. Think harder.
@69
You’re sixteen, aren’t you? 😉
@64:
I don’t know that the hard-and-fast rule of “no sleepovers with people of the gender to whom you’re attracted” is always necessary. Some of my fondest memories were of mixed-sex sleepovers as a teen. Here are some of the factors that kept them (as far as I know) sexless:
1) large, group sleepovers–wall-to-wall kids on the living room floor. No privacy, which meant much less opportunity for sex, unless you were pretty immodest, and teens are often modest.
2) I am a straight female, and as a teen had lots of straight male friends that were just friends. There was never a sexual tinge to those sleepovers, and I’m glad that my parents just went ahead and let us have them.
@73
1) When I was a teen I definitely (on more than one occasion) got very frisky with several other people in the room. It wasn’t a sleepover either. When were you a teenager?
2) My parents were strict so I wasn’t allowed to go to mixed gender sleepovers. It would’ve been no problem though since I wasn’t interested in any of the guys at any of those sleepovers. Once you’re a teenager sleepovers are kind of a nerdy thing, especially group/mixed gender ones. Not to diss on nerds, a good chunk of my friends from highschool were nerds and most of my friends now are from that group – but… they generally aren’t the friends you want to have sex with.
I don’t know. Have the rule, don’t have the rule, whatever makes you comfortable. The teen years are short anyway. If they think it’s unfair, they’ll get over it.
@69 Bundling bags…now why didn’t I think of that! But really, I know I can’t “stop my kids from having sex” nor do I wish to as long as they are mature and make good decisions. I talk to them about trust and about good and bad reasons for having sex, etc. As far as enforcing rules, well I grew up in a pretty lenient household. So I see the positive side of having parents make rules so that kids don’t act completely on impulse. If my kid thinks they are ready for a sleepover with someone they actually want to sleep with, I’d like them to discuss it with me and spend some time thinking about whether it is really a good idea, which leads me to why I disagree with…
@70, because I definitely don’t see pregnancy as the main downside of having sex. There are plenty of risks, both physical and emotional, associated with sex. Teens and young adults are vulnerable and I want my kids to go down the path of having positive sex rather than negative sex, whatever their orientation.
@73 and @74, yep my oldest had a few of those group sleepovers with everyone in the living room where parents could theoretically pop in at any time. Is it a nerdy thing? Maybe — my oldest is a nerd!
Whatever I do and whatever my kids’ orientations end up being, I’m sure I’ll screw up somewhere. Ah well, I never expected to go through life without doing leotarded things now and again.
@75
I’m probably too old to be able to accurately comment on what the kids are doing these days.
Nerds are rad though, so hopefully he is!
Sounds to me like you’re on the right track anyway.
@74 mydriasis,
@74 #2: You’re the nerd dream that breaks their hearts. (Dramatic sigh)
Peace.
@36 Hunt: Actually, my babe and I have known each other since we were kids. He has been around all along. And then one day we shared a long, smoldering kiss, and—-WOW!!!! He’s especially great for hugs, someone to talk to and snuggling. Does 28 years count as monogamy?
@38 EricaP: I don’t know if what I’m so lucky to have is really dating (we don’t go to bars), but thanks for the warm hugs!! Right back atcha!!!
@47 anklosaur: Thanks! Actually, I never have met Hunter78 in person, face-to-face. We just blog each other.
@49 pigeon park: Unless you’re just being sarcastic, please see my response to anklosaur, posted above.
XOXO, everybody!!
@ 64, snoozn: You’re welcome! It’s a wistful age, isn’t it? When your kids are still kids 🙂 , before puberty and everything kicks in. I love children. I hope to have some more 🙂 some day.
@ 78, ankylosaur: Totally in jest about you and Hunter78 being anything more than you who you are to one another. Forgive me: I sometimes wing it and say stuff that isn’t meant to be taken with any offense or anything. It’s not sarcasm (I apologize if you registered my bits as that): it’s just playfulness 🙂 . XOXO Likewise, Everyone!
🙂
+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
@78(auntie grizelda), clearly you’re having a lot of fun, which is something the doctor always recommends. Enjoy! (I just hope your beau won’t distract you from that opera buffa and from your symphony. Music also needs you 😉
Ha, my safe word with my ex was “Bazinga!” (yes, from “The Big Bang Theory”).
No… Sorry but this is the second in a row of quite a few lazy and boring columns…
As an American who has a (traditional) marriage and a Canadian marriage license, I’m a little upset about Canada’s antics.
http://www.ellwoodcityledger.com/columni…
After a lot of years experimenting with various forms of non-monogamy, Mr and I decided (and it was more his preference than mine, and no he wasn’t jealous because I wasn’t seeing or interested in other men and he doesn’t care about other women) monogamy was more appropriate for us. We may have the desire to not be at some other time, but the last two years of our 10 year union have been monogamous and we’re relieved, frankly. That said, we both agree if either of us were unsatisfying sexual partners for us, being happy in monogamy would be extremely difficult. As such there’s no sexual activities either of us want that the other objects to, we’re both very competent in performing those activities in a way that pleases the other, and we’ve done enough threesomes and more to be “eh, BTDT” about it.
We quit because managing our two personalities and desires and needs and wants in our relationship was difficult enough without adding more people and their desires, needs, wants, and issues. Not to mention scheduling. No really, it’s an issue.
Erica P, I can’t help but feel so much of your experiences have been other people minimizing your feelings. From your husband convincing you it’s perfectly normal to be non-monogamous and you were just being silly to object, to now BDSM people claiming this guy was just clueless and not an asshole. As a retired BDSM’er, I strongly disagree. He was indeed cluless, and this is precisely what made him an asshole. Doing that to you was horrible and shame on him for not getting out of his own aggressive asshole headspace to notice he was actually hurting you. If he wasn’t sure or aware that yes, some people actually want that as a hard limit, he had NO BUSINESS doing that scene with you. Do not minimize his crime, which is precisely what it is to perform rough anal on someone who says NO. He had no business presenting himself as a top if he didn’t know this shit, and yes, that does indeed make him an asshole at best and a rapist at worst.
@wendykh, but if being clueless makes you an asshole, why the two words? Isn’t there a difference?
I’m glad you’ve found out monogamy works best for you. Please enjoy. But, as Dan said elsewhere, there’s no reason do YDIW. Everybody gets to discover for themselves what works (or doesn’t work) for them.
Quoth @85 (ankylosaur):
I would hazard that being clueless in some circumstances makes you an asshole. The two are not mutually exclusive. For instance: I’m clueless about 19th century Russian literature. I maintain that does not make me an asshole. If I were clueless about the needs and wants of my fiance, that would make me an asshole.
Put more simply: for the important stuff, we have an obligation to know our shit. You don’t get to make the six-year-old’s excuse of “I didn’t knooooow better.”
Now does knowing a BDSM partner’s hard stops qualify as “important stuff”? I would venture yes, but I have no experience with that scene. Maybe miscommunications are common enough that they can be forgiven or at least excused? I dunno.
@84, @86, et al non-monogamous persons,
It just seems so convoluted and confusing sometimes when I read your posts.
Best wishes though.
Peace.
@87: FWIW, I’m currently in a monogamous relationship, and that relationship has always been monogamous (once we got past the initial “dating” stage).
Both my fiance and I have been in non-monogamous relationships before (not with each other), and I enjoyed them immensely, but these days I just don’t have the time or the energy to navigate all the feelings, communications, and scheduling involved. For me, the “cost” of maintaining non-monogamous relationships is no longer worth the “return.”
Which isn’t to say the cost would NEVER be worth the return again. If for some reason we couldn’t have sex with each other, I can see us deciding that the benefits of non-monogamy are worth the costs. Same if we’re forced to live in different countries for a long time. And I can certainly understand how someone with more relationship needs, or with more available time/energy, might decide that non-monogamy made more sense for them. I’m just not that person right now.
Why not a safe word of “safe word”? One of the most common passwords is “password.” And safe word is a hell of a lot better than “abc123.”
popcorn,
jill
@79 pigeon park: No sweat. It’s all good.
@80 anklosaur: No worries—he’s as much into music as I am!
While snow & ice are still on the ground, there’s a lot of time for practicing, playing, composing, and….well, you know.
@ Kinky Ana & EricaP – thanks for your anecdotes and advices. Really enjoyed reading them!
Safewords: good to negotiate a safeword for a new play partner, but with people I trust, safewords don’t really get used, it’s usually the plain English communication method. I also like having the option to signal “go slow/yellow lights”, rather than a stop-the-scene red light, it’s been far more useful for me than the actual safeword.
@84, you may be right. I liked him, before the assault, so I prefer to think of him as woefully uninformed about how to run a scene rather than scheming villain. But I’m attracted to “bad boys” and he came across that way, so there is a part of my brain that says this was a useful lesson about the possible consequences of fucking “bad boys.” The goal is to tell the lightly bad boys from the serious bad boys… but if I were sure, then I’d be less attracted… My reptile brain is unhelpful to me, sometimes.
@91, agreed – phrases that serve to slow down the scene are generally more useful to me than ones that threaten to end the scene. In particular, because the top can then purposefully drive the scene to a ‘yellow,’ to verify that the bottom will communicate when unhappy or in serious pain.
@ YOU 😉 : +~+~+~+~+I Love You! Wanna? ;-)xoxoxoxox+~+~+~+~+
Nearing The Beginning 🙂 …..
😀 Of The Beginning, Of The Beginning, Of The Beginning, Of The Beginning….. :-)+~+~+~+~+
“Tomorrow Never Knows”: The Beatles: ‘Revolver’: 1966 Through To Immortality.
True Love 😉 .
+~+~+~+~+xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo+~+~+~+~+!!!!!
I can’t be bothered to write a letter, but am happy in my 10 year monogamous relationship and don’t give a rat’s posterior what other people do with their relationships as long as they don’t make drama that propagates into my or their kids’ lives. (I care about their kids because emotionally damaged kids grow into emotionally damaged adults who live in our society).
@ 96: GG1000;), You Are A Soul After My Very Own!
Well. Fucking. Said.
😉
.
I could totally quote you for what you wrote, for I agree a zillion % over: zenith;) percent to my bones 🙂 .
Monogamy, schlagogamy, polygamy, whatever:
Are ya happy? What makes ya happy? Whatever works for you and doesn’t harm, hurt or damage anyone involved (especially children), then who would care who is or isn’t this, that or the other thing?
#95;-)+~+~+~+~+ Sends Their Love ;-+-;+~+~+~+~+
@ 93 & @ 94 Also Love Ya Immensely, For The Record 🙂 +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+
55 pigeon park– Thanks for the compliment. Here’s the down side to keeping a teasing/harassment diary. It forces you to focus on the negative. Let’s take it as a given that a 13 year old will, at some point and probably at many points, do something stupid and that his friends will call him on it probably in the form of teasing. He’ll say something dumb in class, and his buddies will call him a dumbkopf. If he’s out, they may call him a sissy dumbkopf. If he’s smart beyond the idiot thing he said in class, he’ll call them weirdos; they’ll all make fart noises, punch each other on the shoulder, and all will be right with the world.
If he keeps the diary, he should note when the kids and/or teachers are picking on him, but he should also note when they come to his defence. Maybe the teacher handled the stupid comment well by making it clear that her class is one where people should feel free to think out loud even if it means getting it wrong sometimes. Maybe his buddies won’t punch him too hard on the shoulder or will accept the dumbkopf/weirdo designation with good grace.
My idea with the diary is to be able to notice trends. Maybe one kid is turning into a bully. Maybe sissy is starting to go along with dumbkopf a little too often. Maybe he’s getting a few too many insults, or he’s getting the sense that kids are keeping away from him. He needs to be able to go back and see when it started and what the general direction is.
I am highly involved in my local BDSM community and have to agree with those here who say using “Safeword” as a safeword would not be laughable at all. In the really real world where flesh and blood people meet to get their kinks on, we tend to be pretty supportive when people make an honest attempt at clear communication.
We use the universal “red” but most players I know also use checkins (squeezing a partner’s hand is a wonderful non-verbal cue) and just plain English (I’m much more likely to call FOOT CRAMP! than red).
@ 99, Crinoline 🙂 : If I may quote you kindly…
“If he keeps the diary, he should note when the kids and/or teachers are picking on him, but he should also note when they come to his defence.”
Absolutely :-). There may be a lot of idiots, cretins, cruel fucks and/or ignoramus’ running rampant in this world, but there *also* are people who care, who get it, who are supportive and can *applaud the courage* it takes for *anyone* to say, “This is who I am: this is the truth. Don’t like it? Well, have a nice day then, ‘cos I don’t really need to give a shit anymore about whether or not assholes think well of me or not, ‘cos, well, they’d be assholes then!” LOL It *IS* That Simple! Maybe not in the application (until you get the hang of it), but it *is effective*.
For a child of 13 to know that they are truly homosexual (or lesbian, etc.) and to have THE GUTS to do what many people three or four times his age probably will never have the courage to do: BEING YOURSELF DESPITE ANY NAYSAYERS, SCUMBAGS, ABUSE FUCKS AND/OR DOUCHEBAGS (LOL Sorry to scream in caps! 😉 ).
The thing is though, is that if a 13-year-old already has the fortitude and focus to know the difference that living truthfully is the only way to go: that kid must be the product of parents who truly love him unconditionally, and who would never turn their backs on him for something that commands immense respect: living honestly within his own skin.
Anticipate on occasion the likelihood of the negative, focus on the positive (but moreover, *the constuctive*) and *trust yourself* to be able to feel/gauge your way through (and around) people who help you and love you…..and phasing out or more or less steering clear of negative, toxic, abusive people. It may not happen all of the time, or even for a long time (it took me ages to learn to love myself enough to finally say, “fuck it and fuck you!” insomuch to the world when I came out at 27 years-old.
A family’s love, unconditional support and empathy does more than any of us can imagine sometimes. Family could come in any bloodline shape or form: *people who truly love you and who would have your back until the very end*: THAT’S the kind of truly-loving parent I want to be!
If you screw up raising your kids, what else woudl anyone else honestly have to show for their time on Earth, you know (unless you opt to not have kids, which is also to be applauded: knowing yourself enough to know kids would be cool or that kids wouldn’t be in your plan, or something).
(deep sigh…)
To bolster what you shared, Crinoline, I’d would offer that maybe the parents can have a great heart-to-heart with their 13-year-old and to teach them a very universally-recognized practice: if people aren’t there for you and like/love/respect you for who you really are, then steer clear of them whenever possible! Life’s too short to suffer other people’s ignorance. Fuck that, and fuck them! Fuck ’em all! ;-D LOL
Living as honestly as you can is the most-rewarding, hard-won, clear-as-a-bell fuck you to anyone who tries to diminish you for having the guts to be yourself, and to thy self be true, and all that stuff;) .
The diary thing can shed *so much insight* into your own condition: often enough by your own words helping your own self to get through, heal and improve.
I actually have been writing heavily in diary form these past four+years;) in particular.
I get your drift;) .
Thanks, Crinoline.
🙂
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As well as…
“My idea with the diary is to be able to notice trends. Maybe one kid is turning into a bully. Maybe sissy is starting to go along with dumbkopf a little too often. Maybe he’s getting a few too many insults, or he’s getting the sense that kids are keeping away from him. He needs to be able to go back and see when it started and what the general direction is.”
I appreciate that you mentioned not dwelling on the negative, which could happen if the teasing/harassment diary is solely about that.
As you’ve mentioned, it should be about noticing patterns, trends and/or certain repetitive behaviors: either within the one writing the diary as well as the people who inspire him to want to write a diary in the first place.
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@ 100: Anything verbal (if you intonate it loudly and emphatically enough) can serve as a safe word. Or a safe phrase, like, “get these fucking nipple clamps off of my pecker, pronto!”
“Safe word!” or “ABC123” could work, too.
I haven’t had to use safe words yet. That, and I’m not quite ready for the torture wheel in the basement with the flogging as well as having a master step on my ball sac with his steel-toe boots.
Eh, maybe tomorrow ;-D LOL.
Cheers.