I recently discovered,
accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room
prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously
disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible
to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with
Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside
job.
This raises several issues. There’s the
you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full
range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag
complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to
snicker over with his friends or whether he has used them. I’m dead
certain if he’s used my insertables, that he did so without putting
condoms on them first.
So it seems I need to force the
you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use
conversation. Suggestions?
Discomfited Aged Deviant
You’re gonna have to have a long talk with
the little shit, DAD.
First, apologize for
snooping—accidentally, of course, during “a renovation.” Uh-huh.
Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact about it, DAD, but firm
enough to communicate a sense of violation: He violated your privacy
and your glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo, a sex toy that was
consecrated to your orifice(s) and your orifice(s) alone. (“Your
orifice(s)” refers to your own personal orifice, DAD, as well as the
orifices of your chosen sex partners, a position that is not—one
hopes—open to your 16-year-old son.) Don’t let on that you’re
embarrassed, even if you are—force a smile, if you can.
Then turn the tables on your son and
embarrass the shit out of the little shit: Ask him if he was
penetrating himself with your crucidildo, and ask him if he has any
questions about sex toys in general or butt toys in particular. He’ll
insist that he wasn’t sticking that thing in his
ass—although we both know he was—because he’ll want to end
this conversation as quickly as possible. Your job, DAD, is to drag…
this… talk… out… to achieve maximum mortification.
Tell him that you’re aware that he might be
too shy to admit to using butt toys or to ask for info about the proper
use of butt toys, so… you’re going to walk him through butt-toy
safety and etiquette just to be on the safe side. Then explain it all
to him. Tell him about the importance of using lots of lube, of washing
sex toys with hot water and a little soap after each use, of putting
condoms over them for safety’s sake—and tell him about how one
preps an orifice to accept a glow-in-the-dark crucifix (and just how
many “Our Fathers” one has to say for penance after doing such a
thing). Conclude by pointing out that sex toys aren’t something people
share (particularly with their parents), so the one you’d been using,
the one he stole and used himself, is going to have to be deconsecrated
now, i.e., disposed of. Then offer to get him one of his own and a
bottle of lube.
The point is to make him feel bad for
invading your privacy and swiping your stuff, DAD, but not for whatever
it was he might have done with your stuff. A nice long talk about butt
toys—safe use, storage, ethical procurement—will make him
realize that violating your privacy and stealing your sex toys invites
conversations that he doesn’t want to have with his dad.
My wife of three years has a
problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I
wouldn’t do it while she’s in the house. That would be just fine with
me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is
really, really great, but I’m pretty horny and I like to masturbate
once in a while. She says that she feels like I’m cheating on her.
About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I’m an idiot—and
maybe this is my punishment, but I’ve always needed to masturbate a
lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny
and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can
concentrate on something else. This just doesn’t have very much to do
with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this
matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?
Jerk Off
When someone you love is irrational and
controlling about some aspect of your private life that doesn’t involve
or affect her—say, your masturbatory routine, JO—you have
two options.
First, you can waste a lot of time and
energy trying to talk her out of being irrational and controlling and
idiotic. That approach is unlikely to make things better, and it could
make matters worse: “Gee, you must really love to beat off without me
around, seeing as you’re really going to the mat for this.”
Your second, and far superior, option is to
tell her what she wants to hear—”For you, I won’t
masturbate”—and then beat off when you want to or when you need
to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen table when she’s out of
the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a “crap” or a “nap” when
she’s home. So long as you’re an attentive lover and you’re not
neglecting her needs, and so long as you’re not inconsiderately leaving
evidence all over the place (wash out your own crusty come socks), feel
free to work around her irrationality with a little harmless
deceit.
I dislike a lot of things about your column: I disagree with your stance on religion and I’m
against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: It’s like
a car wreck—I have to look. So I have a question for you.
I am a 32-year-old heterosexual married man.
My wife and I have a great sex life. We have been married just over a
year. She is pretty open to just about anything, except ONE thing: When
she is blowing me, sometimes instead of coming in her mouth, I want to
come all over her face. She finds that repulsive. She normally has no
problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on her chest. But
for some reason, the face just creeps her out. She says it’s degrading.
Now, I cannot for the life of me understand how unloading on her face
is any more degrading than coming in her mouth or on her chest.
Any advice?
Facials Are Causing Embarrassment
Sorry, FACE, but your wife is correct:
Facials are degrading—and that’s why they’re so hot. Now,
I would normally arm a married man in your predicament with some killer
talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a load
on her face, FACE, but… I’m not going to help you out. While being
denied a little sex advice doesn’t compare to being denied the right to
wed, I reserve the right to discriminate against straight married
assholes who support discrimination against me.
Now, if there’s a married straight man out
there who supports marriage equality and wants some advice on talking
the wife into facials, I would be more than happy to share my surefire,
fail-proof, 100-percent-guaranteed pro-facial arguments with
you. And if you’re a justice on the Iowa State Supreme
Court—which last week ruled unanimously in favor of marriage
equality for same-sex couples—I’ll toss in a free phone
consultation.
I have a couple of quick comments Dan, the first is about DAD; since it doesn’t state anywhere in the letter, how do you know it is the Dad that wrote in instead of the Mom? Your advice however, is solid.
Second, your advice is bang on for Jerk Off, and I had the same problem with my wife in the past. I solved the problem by going to bed early some nights, like when she is watching the Biggest Loser or Private Practice on TV. Just because you aren’t getting enough sex is not a reason to cheat, you can take the matter into your own hands.
And for FACE, if his wife is willing to swallow or have him come anywhere else but her face, he should be very happy with that and stop complaining; some married men don’t get that much. The behaviour is more like a dog marking his territory and tell him that everything you see in porn is not healthy or safe and should not be copied.
JO’s wife probably believes that when he jerks off, hs is thinking about other women (models, tv stars, co-workers, random strangers) so that’s why she feels it is cheating. And where he has cheated before, she probably wants to prevent him from thinking about sex with other women.
It probably also takes him less time to get himself in the mood than to get his wife in the mood, so squirting into a sock is quicker and easier than talking your wife into a quickie or a blow job. Unless of course your wife is really great.
JO, Are you wandering around the house jerking off at will whenever you feel like it? While your wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner for your cheating ass? The living room wile she’s trying to do work on the computer? When she’s having a serious phone conversation?
Unless you two are involved in something sexual or you’re in bed together and she’s just not interested, why is this this even an issue? Why aren’t you just happily jerking off in the bathroom or during nap time as men have been doing for centuries? Unless,of course, your desire to have her constantly watch you is something you conveniently left out of your letter.
What I find truly disturbing is that “she rarely leaves the house” without you. Is she a kidnap victim?
FACE, she just doesn’t like it and doesn’t want to do it. Let it go. Come back in 5 years when you have three screaming little brats and your exhausted wife won’t do anything sexual. But omit the self righteous declarations about religion and gay marrige in your letter if you want help. Also, don’t assume that everyone enjoys watching the carnage of car accidents, especially if they’ve been in one.
@ TWJ
There are a multitude of people of read Dan’s column and don’t agree with his politics (like the whole blacks & Prop. * thing he keeps harping on about)
HOWEVER, you do not bring out that point when you want something from someone. Its just common sense. “I’m Against things that are value to your core… here’s my problem, help me, k? thx!”
Um, No. Lol. Fuck you. If he was smart he wouldn’t have included that first part to begin with, so he wanted Dan to say something about it. And Dan gave him a response.
Jade, you wack.
(Or, perhaps more accurately, you should)
@ stop the silly
I read it the other way around. It seemed that FACE was paying him a compliment. To paraphrase: “you oppose my core values and gratuitously insult those who share my beliefs, yet I enjoy your work and value your advice.”
I expected Mr. Savage to trade barbs playfully and then get on to the advice.
Perhaps I am being too charitable to FACE. Nevertheless, I am quite surprised at how thin-skinned Mr. Savage’s reaction was. If he found the letter offensive, he did not have to run it. Instead, he used a third of his column to thumb his nose at FACE. As a loyal reader, I feel shortchanged (am I alone in this?), and can only describe the move as childish.
FACE: It’s degrading because you have to clean it off, and it’s fucking annoying getting it off the face. It might get in her eyes. It might get up her nose. She seems to be doing almost everything else (I’m seriously not convinced that swallowing is THAT rare, but whatever), so shut up and treat her to a nice dinner for being such a great sport to your bigoted ass.
Re JO:
As someone who has been in a relationship where cheating was involved, I have to disagree with Dan on this one. To successfully come back from infidelity, it’s extremely important that the cheated partner be able to completely trust the cheating partner, ESPECIALLY where sexuality is concerned.
Even a year out, this woman is probably still extremely insecure at the thought of him masturbating and thinking of someone who is not her (which, let’s face it, he probably is). If she were to catch him lying about this—and maybe she wouldn’t, but she might—it could undo much of the work they have put into repairing the relationship.
Instead, what if JO tried to make masturbation less threatening to her? Next time they want to have sex, instead of actual penetration, they could masturbate side by side. He could tell her how hot it is when she masturbates and ask her to touch him with her other hand. This will make her feel more connected to the process. Do this a couple of times in lieu of sex.
Then, as someone else suggested, the next time he just wants to rub one out, he could ask if she wants to join him. No? Does she want to watch? No? Then would it be okay if I just took care of it solo, babe?
Holy shit, where do I find a glow in the dark, crucifix shaped dildo, with Jesus in relief? That’s just too cool.
Gloria: “(I’m seriously not convinced that swallowing is THAT rare, but whatever)”
That’s because you’re not a man who has sex with women.
Aside from that, I agree with your comment that it’s annoying. I don’t know from personal experience but I imagine it would be. I love what someone else mentioned: comparing eating spaghetti to having it all over your face.
——————–
TWJ: “I read it the other way around. It seemed that FACE was paying him a compliment. To paraphrase: ‘you oppose my core values and gratuitously insult those who share my beliefs, yet I enjoy your work and value your advice.'”
You’re missing a fundamental difference: Savage may oppose FACE’s core values but he isn’t trying to impose his values on FACE and his kind; i.e. he’s not trying to prevent different-sex marriage. FACE and his kind, on the other hand, not only oppose Savage’s values but are actively trying to impose their values on Savage and other homosexuals by working to prevent same-sex marriage.
I have a different take on JO, as a wife who has had to ask her husband to masturbate less. In my case, the husband was masturbating to the exclusion of sex with me. He was keeping his sexuality to himself and not including me in it. JO didn’t indicate this, but why would he? I suspect he is choosing to masturbate over trying to bed his wife. However if he cheated, then he masturbates a lot (his words), she is probably feeling excluded from his sex life (and maybe wondering why his hand is more sexually appealing than her). What worked for me was asking my husband to come to me first (no pun intended!) when he was feeling the need to get off instead of first considering his right hand. If I turned him down then he’s free to squeeze one out, no hard feelings. That way, he gets his orgasm, and I get to be a participant in his sexuality. This tactic might work for JO.
Any bodily fluid splashed on the face (not just cum, but pee, vomit, poo, spit, etc.) is indeed degrading. Maybe FACE should let Dan cum all over his face and see how he likes it. As I’m typing this, I’m also thinking that the facial recipient is virtually always below the ejaculator, never above him, thereby adding to the debasement.
I personally do not like receiving facials because I have a hangup about seeing cum out in the open air. (I turn my head during money shots in porn.) I would rather swallow. Only recently did I let my BF fuck me between the tits, something he’d been asking for for a while, because if I don’t like seeing cum, I sure don’t want to see it coming at my face at 60 mph. (He’s fixed, so it’d be clear, not white, but that’s not the point.) It was dark, and I kept my eyes closed. Glad we got that out of the way.
“What if he’s masturbating? …I could end up on the ceiling!” Woody Allen, in Everything you Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*but were afraid to ask)
JD: “You’re missing a fundamental difference: Savage may oppose FACE’s core values but he isn’t trying to impose his values on FACE and his kind; i.e. he’s not trying to prevent different-sex marriage. FACE and his kind, on the other hand, not only oppose Savage’s values but are actively trying to impose their values on Savage and other homosexuals by working to prevent same-sex marriage.”
From what I have read, both sides feel that the other is imposing its values, feel under attack, and are quite passionate about the subject. They do call it the culture wars for a reason. Personally, I find the “anyone who disagrees must be a hateful bigot” approach fairly closed-minded.
It seems that despite the differences, FACE was reaching across the aisle. Given his question, I would hazard a guess that he is not a puritan.
It is really too bad that FACE has to be treated as an enemy instead of a fellow traveler fascinated and perplexed by sex and relationships. This is why I really wish Mr. Savage would keep political advocacy out of his columns. Passions run too high, and it is a distraction from what he does best.
stopthesilly wrote:
HOWEVER, you do not bring out that point when you want something from someone. Its just common sense. “I’m Against things that are value to your core… here’s my problem, help me, k? thx!”
—————-
Totally off-topic, but this sums up George W. Bush’s approach to foreign policy perfectly. Well done, sir or madam.
How large was this cache of sex toys, DAD? How long have they been disappearing, before you noticed? Where did you think you’d been putting them? We want details. You are a good father.
Great, GREAT advice, Dan!
That DAD letter reminds me of something that happened in 1975. I was helping to deliver/install air conditioners for [a huge retail outfit] in south Florida. At one house we were working in the bedroom, when I noticed something prominently displayed on the dresser. It was a 6-8″ white plastic Vigin Mary which, when seen from the back, was very obviously a dildo/vibrator. I must have stared at it for two seconds (about a second-and-a-half too long), and when I looked up into the face of the dark, short-haired milf whose house it was, I could only stammer, “That’s cute.” She smiled slightly and nodded. Nothing more was said, and we quickly finished putting in the A/C and left. I’ve wondered for decades if I missed a great opportunity there, and I’ve “relieved my stress” over the incident many times since. Best wishes to all.
@DAL
Dan has a long-standing tradition of making an acronym out of the words a person signs themself off with. In this case, the person identified himself as DAD, since it doesn’t take much reading of Savage Love to figure out this practice.
additionally, he usually/often has to cut some letters down in size, it may be that DAD included other information identifying himself as the father.
I googled cross shaped dildo w/ jesus but got nothing.
I WANT ONE !
Any ideas where ?
Well said to FACE. What a jerk.
Dan, about your 2nd post, I’m not too sure I agree. Sometimes I simply feel that when my partner jerks off while I’m around the house, when I want some… He is not able to give it to me because he cannot get a hard on because he just finished blowing his load… Normally he would be extremely horny and this totally gives away the fact that he just jerked off… If I’m in the house, I’d rather him just come fuck the shit outta me no matter where I am or what I’m doing… it’d be so hot if he stopped me from cleaning the house or something and would just throw me on the kitchen counter, bend me over and start banging me.
And for your first post.. LMFAO.
I think JO’s wife’s problem may have more to do with WHAT he’s using to masterbate with than the masterbation itself. I have found myself in that form of jealousy in the past and if he was using his MIND and fantasies, it didn’t bother me, but photos/videos of other women did. It really had more to do with the fact that he was jerking off alone with images of other women when I’d really much rather have him involve me. This was when we had a fairly dry sex life. Now that we’re really quite active, his solo activities, no matter what he uses, don’t bother me.
Jade- it’s true that it doesn’t fix the situation, but it can clear your head and give your brain the ability to focus and relax. Just like some people exercise to clear their head.
Just last night I had a bit of an anxiety attack and restless legs that wouldn’t let me sleep until I had an orgasm and then I was _out_. I often use orgasms as my sleep-aid.
Oh- and I’m a chick AND I think this is just common sense. However, I also started reading Dan’s column- as any good Badger did- in the Onion in 1994, when I was 18. So maybe I’m ahead of most women on that front for that reason.
So, thanks, Dan! Without you I’d have: 1) spontaneously combusted, 2) had an array of STDs, and 3) way more emotional trauma from getting sexually involved when I wasn’t ready or had unrealistic expectations.
http://www.divine-interventions.com/jack…
If I hadn’t just spent $30 on a jackrabbit, I’d totally get one!
Some people on here think gay marriage is about to catch fire all over the country. Wake up. 29 states ban gay marriage in their constitutions. We are a couple generations away from being able to amend state constitutions. 14 more ban gay marriage by law, and most did so relatively recently with healthy margins.
Iowa will amend its constituion to ban in a couple years, and California’s ban will hold up for quite a while. If we’re lucky we’ll end up with half a dozen states that allow it, almost all of them small ones in the northeast. And that’ll be it for a long, long time.
It seems that despite the differences, FACE was reaching across the aisle. Given his question, I would hazard a guess that he is not a puritan.
It is really too bad that FACE has to be treated as an enemy instead of a fellow traveler fascinated and perplexed by sex and relationships. This is why I really wish Mr. Savage would keep political advocacy out of his columns. Passions run too high, and it is a distraction from what he does best.
Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 8:43 AM
Yer a douche. A mindless douche. Your namby pamby, can’t we all get along attitude offends me much more than FACE’s bigotry. Seriously, FACE knows he’s an asshole at some level. You are a clueless gunt with nothing to offer anyone. STFU.
Robin: RE: your statement “because if I don’t like seeing cum, I sure don’t want to see it coming at my face at 60 mph. (He’s fixed, so it’d be clear, not white, but that’s not the point.) It was dark, and I kept my eyes closed. Glad we got that out of the way.”
When men are “fixed”, their spooge doesn’t become clear, you dummy. you better inspect and report back.
If the sex is already good and she’s game for most everything else, don’t ruin it by harping on the facials. Most women find them degrading. Personally not a fan of cum in my hair and in my eyes, nose, etc. I will occasionally let a partner do them, but it is entirely for him not for me.
Fuck off FACE! My wife hasn’t blown me in over a year and you get to shoot your wad everywhere but one place. Get bent you fuckin’ discriminating douche!
Wow, the audacity of FACE! Poetic justice would be FACE’s dick falling off while trying to give his wife a facial.
I thought Dan’s use of
“I’ll toss in” was very appropriate.
Robbin: being fixed doesn’t make semen clear.
JO’s situation is about control AND punishment. He can subvert the control by being deceitful, but what about his penance? From where I sit it seems like the price of staying in the relationship is acceptance of her restrictions. He does have two choices, but they are: pack his bags, or accept his fate.
Response to DAD…
UM…why was the whole CREEPY factor left out? What 16-year-old son wants to use one of their parents’dildos? I don’t care if the kid was just super curious or was too ashamed to purchase his own…that is downright CREEPY! Neither DAD nor Dan Savage mentioned that!!
“That’s because you’re not a man who has sex with women.”
Touche. I know it’s rare, but I don’t want to believe it. It didn’t take much for me to do it (just Dan’s preaching, and a bit of common sense) so I fail to understand why so many women hate it or refuse to do it. (1) It’s really, really not so bad that any adult woman can’t teach herself to be OK with it (like all other tastes acquired with age — coffee, raw fish, etc.), and (2) I’d find it deeply hurtful if my boyfriend ran to the bathroom sputtering and spitting every time after going down on me.
Hilarious Dan,love your response to FACE.I’m against gay marriage too but I agree that facials are degrading and would NEVER allow it.
@ Jade – no.
@TWJ
FACE’s comments were completely unnecessary and were obviously going to elicit that type of reaction given Dan’s stance and earlier articles. FACE was just stupid for bring it up.
While I appreciate your sticking up for FACE I think you’re giving FACE a lot more credit than the asshole deserves. He said reading this column is like car wreck…i.e. he looks down on all the people who write in because they’re lives are messed up. That’s not cool. Don’t write asking for help all high and mighty. Read Dan to learn something. FACE is an idiot. Stop sticking up for him.
FACE, I’m a married woman who welcomes my husband’s semen on my chest and occasionally in the mouth, but not the face. We sorted it out a long time ago: I said that the night he lets me piss on his face is the first time he’ll get to come on my face. He’s just happy that I’m not asking to piss on his chest or in his mouth.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
I particularly love your last response!!!
That’s all 🙂
<3 Emily
Thanks for the shout out to Iowa. We’re glad to help shed the image of a bunch of hicks. And remember, the Iowa Caucuses started Obama on the road to the White House. Just wish he’d change his stance on LGBT rights.
If JO’s wife might be concerned about his feelings for her, after all the jerk did cheat, he should ask if he can masturbate to her. She could hold him while he jos or do a little strip tease, flash a little breast or whatever. That way she is reassured that it is her that he is horny for.
Or just take a long shower each day. Unless she’s in there with you, she’ll never know.
So, one time when I was younger my parents were mentioning a present they had gotten for my grandparents. I asked what it was, and they said, “You don’t want to know.” Well, I was like 13 or 14 and so of course now I had to know, and I bugged them and bugged them… until they showed me the small jar of chocolate body licking sauce… that they had bought for my grandparents… Suffice to say, I have never since pushed when they said I didn’t want to know.
Jade–ownlee moroones speel eet meesterbatetion
@jade What’s up with the whole quick nap thing to relieve tiredness? Wouldn’t it be better, albeit more difficult, to try to examine head-on the underlying issues to our being tired?
Well done. Maybe his wife would be more open to facials if they were liberals? Just a thought
And to FACE, the “chutzpah of the century” award: not just denying Dan et al. their rights but actually asking for Dan’s help. Beyond belief! May your body change such that you’re perpetually aroused and never able to achieve orgasm, and may your inner grossness be manifest so that no one will touch you. Oh, and long life!
“invites conversations that he doesn’t want to have with his dad.”
A good T-shirt slogan but a questionable hypothesis in these days of Jerry Springer, reality shows and Twitter
Is there really such a thing as a crucifix shaped dildo? The letter sounds fake to me. If it isn’t then the world is a bit stranger than I thought!
Oh, TWJ, you sad little moron. Nothing that we humans do is separable from politics — that’s what living in society entails. We can’t buy everything we want (lots of stuff is illegal or regulated), we can’t do everything we want (I’d like to empty the bank account of every AIG executive, but laws prevent me from doing so; some people probably want to see dogs drive cars, but that’s illegal, too; and so on). And despite your weird, blustery attempt to argue “logically” (I loathe and never use Internet acronyms, but for you I’ll make an exception: LMFAO) that both sides are attempting to impose their views on one another, the reality is that hetero marriage is allowed everywhere but in most places homo marriage isn’t, thanks to a frightening coalition of social and political conservatives. As other backwards laws have fallen, so will this one; until it does, reasonable people (don’t worry, that label excludes you) will argue for progress.
C’mon. You know this (the current marriage reality), and you know that relationships — the stuff about which Dan gives such masterful advice, as you’ve acknowledged — are inherently about marriage (their either do or don’t end in it). So stop wasting everyone’s time with your disingenuous crap. Oh, and while you’re at it, how about a little therapy to find out why you’re so threatened by the idea of an equitable society?
@Red
Am I the only one who watched Lucy, daughter of the Devil? One of the first episodes was about a crucifix-shaped dildo with jesus on it. Seriously. You can find it on iTunes (under adult swim).
“I disagree with your stance on religion and I’m against homosexual marriage.”
“She finds that repulsive.. She says it’s degrading.”
Coincidence? This guy is suffering from his own sex-negative philosophy of shame! Aww… poor baby.
Tip: If you want a rewarding and fulfilling sex life, be willing to let others have it too.
I wouldn’t mind a facial, but you have to clean up afterwards and that is just a pain in the ass- do I seriously have to scrub my face and wash my hair after sex? I can barely stand having to take a shower, what a pain! You should be able to sit back and relax after your big finish, not jump up and clean to make sure it doesn’t crust on your eyelashes or run into your ears. Just unpleasant. I’d let him do it if it was a deal breaker for him, but otherwise, un uh, that would just ruin sex for me.
Crucidildo. Words cannot express how grateful I am to you for this new addition to my vocabulary. BRILLIANT!!!!