Savage Love

Stop using the word “retarded”
as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but
make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a
dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the
money to the Special Olympics.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember
that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with
mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I
don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your
podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental
disabilities.

The Real Other Sister

I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit
of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on,
instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say
“leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally
challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the
strong—and the limber—and not the weak.

I’ve lived with my boyfriend
for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving
relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to
look at porn. However, I’ve made it clear that porn makes me
uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel
insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser
history if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porn-viewing habits private.

We had a huge fight about this. He was
raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is
oppressively prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed of
looking at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see
my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of
his private life private?

On The Outs

It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to
be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration
for your feelings. And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being
willfully leotarded.

But there are other solutions: Get your own
personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears
automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and
then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser
history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.

And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I
share. It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be
concerned if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law
that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing
browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what she’s likely
to find there is going to upset her.

I’m a 29-year-old hetero male
considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I
can’t find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do
all the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve been talking
marriage and family all year.

But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming
boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I
were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on her
terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not happy with the
restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because she gets so depressed
talking about it.

Am I being self-destructive in wanting to
throw away the love of my life?

Let Me Have It

You’re being a self-destructive leotard,
LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of-
intimacy issues are
totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you
jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never
again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever
finding another girl—for a long- or short-term
relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing
to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would be able
to see that you’re not going to do better than this girl.

And make an effort to kick your sex life
with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If
she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with
other people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy open
relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented
under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening
this relationship up, but she’s not really ready to go there.

I’m a big fan of something
called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic
boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with her at any time during her
period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in
California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my
loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn’t even
realize I have it in. It’s a little messy to take out and dispose of,
but it’s totally worth it. Here’s the website: www.softcup.com.

And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck
her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely
DTMFA.

Cup Up Pussy

Readers: Since you’re reading this in The
Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I
had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a
question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her
while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To
read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice
to her, see last week’s complete column at thestranger.com/savage.

As for you, CUP: I’m familiar—not
intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I
spaced it. Thanks for writing.

Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t
see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.

Need More Savage Love

Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast
and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to Twitter?

Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have
dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they
created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage)
and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but
I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would
cut into my drinking time.

mail@savagelove.net