Dear Readers: Your faith in my counsel and
willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me. The
seriousness with which I approach this work would normally prevent me
from turning your letters over to a bunch of drunks in a bar. But when
Slog Happy, our monthy happy hour for readers of the Stranger‘s
blog, was held at a bar where I sometimes retire to write my
column—the Roanoke Tavern on 10th—I decided to print out a
few of your letters. Names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details
were removed, and your letters were passed from drunk to drunk, taped
to legal pads.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines “advice” as “an opinion about what could or should be done,”
and opinions, as Saint Paul famously observed, are like assholes:
Everyone’s got one (Esophagans 14:20). Since comments on Slog never
want for opinions (or assholes), it seemed only natural to give the
commenters a crack at this advice bidness.
My wife and I have been
married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don’t
have sex much, maybe three times a month. We’ve seen a therapist a few
times, and it hasn’t changed anything. I still love her, but my needs
haven’t been met and I’m frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an
ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get some erotic
interaction via the web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth.
However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized and said I never
wanted to be with anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I
was desired. My wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I
did.
Are we effed? I know what I did was
horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her, and I
don’t want this to end it.
Confused In Salt Lake
• “Since you live in Salt Lake, I’m
going to assume that you didn’t have sex with your wife before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your
wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the
cow.”
• “A lot of men make the mistake of
initiating sex by just being like, ‘Hey, let’s fuck.’ Try this: Rub her
shoulders, offer to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat
her out, but don’t ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show her
that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn’t work, sorry, you’re
fucked.”
• “You have four separate problems that
are now, through the magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your
wife’s not into sex, you live in Utah, your wife made you move out, and
you’re using Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical
honesty: Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. Insist she do
the same. Don’t censor. This will either finish burning your marriage
to the ground or maybe—MAYBE—allow you to start dealing
with each other like adults.”
• “Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you
to move out. It’s already over! HELLO?!?”
I have a submissive side. My
first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she
climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only
then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus
after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add “more
sauce” to the mix—bring another man into our play, and this other
man’s ejaculate—I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next
relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are
interested in bisexual behavior and being a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C.,
but the cohort for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it’s nothing
but fat women. I don’t want to pay, I work out, I have a salary, and I
eat my lunch every day. I don’t need to be looked after. I am totally
self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a
woman. If the right woman came along now, I would marry her and make
her very happy.
Should I be more patient and let her find
me, or should I find ways to put out more openly that I am a
submissive?
Where Are The Monogamous
Dominant
Women?
• “Where are your social skills,
douchebag?”
• “You sound like a dick. Only sex your
way or you dump them? WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly
introduce the dom/sub stuff. Right now you are SO demanding with your
fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else’s. That’s a dick
move.”
• “When I got to ‘I have a salary and I
eat my lunch,’ I stopped reading.”
• “There is nothing less attractive
than a ‘sub’ screaming, ‘Top me, Mistress—but not if you’re too
fat or too poly or too old or if you actually have fantasies of your
own or if you’re going to order me to do something I don’t want to do.’
That’s why you’re not getting any action, dummy.”
• “You suck. The end.”
My partner and I are in our
mid-20s and have been together since our teens. We have similar
interests and compatible lifestyles. We make an awesome pair.
Unfortunately, we are not sexually compatible. Over time we’ve grown
closer regarding most things, except for sex. I’ve come to realize that
I’m kinky and non-monogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky, though
she has said that if I slept with others she would NEVER want to know.
That leaves a door slightly open.
I love her and am committed to the
relationship, but I need some kink to be happy, and my outing myself as
kinky has led to a steady deterioration in our vanilla sex life. Is it
fair to put her on notice that I’ll be kinking out as opportunities
arise and deal with the fallout as we go?
Seeking Orderly Solution
• “She said she would ‘never want to
know.’ That is NOT an open door. That’s a double-shielded blast door
with padlocks and a sign on it that says, ‘Don’t even think about it,
motherfucker.'”
• “Putting her ‘on notice’ sounds kind
of ass-holish. Have the big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your
future. It’s not fair to either of you for you to have to stay
monogamous and be unhappy. You need to figure this out.”
• “Let her know that you are going to
do it if the opportunity arises, but assure her that you’re just
looking to satisfy your kink. Be sure to respect her desire not to
know, but always be ready to divulge if she changes her mind. If you
want the relationship to work, you need to be ‘allowing.'”
• “You’ll be unhappy for a few years if
you leave her, but you’ll be unhappy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE if you
stay.”
• “WTF? Get rid of the shit. I’m not
talking about ‘leaving’ her. She’s likely to have some of your secrets.
KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime,
rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family.”
Thanks to the Slog commenters who wrote my
column for me this week. And for the record: Murder is wrong, and Slog
Happy takes place on the second Thursday of the month. Check Slog at
thestranger.com/slog for
details.
My drunken advice has been used by Dan Savage. Win. I can’t wait to show Mom!
Okay, we get it, we get it. 99 percent of people suck at giving sex advice. But I secretly think and know I’d be really good at it, I swear!
@50
When has Savage ever claimed to be professional? :p
@Jester – though I do not share your specific fantasy/kink, I 100% empathize with the frustration: why oh why is it always pearls before swine? Dude sounds like a control freak and a definite case of topping from the bottom (I offer this thought as a BDSM “top” and a sometimes bi-male “bottom”).
Oh give me a break. To all the people bitching about the sub guy. Hey, Dan’s column is usually about telling people to go out and find somebody campatible to have sex with. Now everybody who answered was grilling the guy for not wanting to sleep with a fat woman who wanted another guy to fuck her? Were all the people who answered on a break from a Lillith Fair concert? As for the Mormon guy….hey, you escaped just in time, you’re lucky you didn’t have any kids with that fridgid woman. She was smart to kick you out and you would be smart to stay out and find somebody you’re compatible with. Most mormon guys and girls get trapped because they get pregnant in the first fewm onths of marriage. Your wife’s not wanting sex was a blessing in disguise.
OH wow I did not expect my advice to ever end up in a column. Ever. Thanks kokanee. A full 5 percent cup of water. Or 8 or nine. I lost track………..
BTW it was the buying the cow comment
@47 Joking about something in a group in order to get through some “emotional baggage” is one thing. But it’s important to recognize that just because something may “help” you, that doesn’t mean it’s not offensive to others. You can’t please everyone all the time, but the “kill her” comment was offensive and incredibly ignorant.
Opinions are like bodies; every asshole’s got one.
@58 It’s people like you, with your assumptions and generalizations, that have always made me feel excluded b/c of my birth defect.
Why did you print the murder thing? It’s not funny. I know more than one woman who was murdered by her male partner; in both cases leaving her children behind. That makes me sick.
I think you might have used better judgment and deleted the murder joke.. not really a funny joke… ever.
WATMDW, you just don’t sound like a real, full-on submissive and it feels like you’re trying just a bit too hard to be one.
Instead it sounds to me as if what you want is a loving monogamous relationship where the sex is a little bit kinky – and let’s face it hour long cunnilingus sessions and a bit of tease and denial are hardly whips, chains, inverted crosses and gimp masks – so I really do mean a little bit kinky.
A lot of women who don’t think of themselves as dominant would be up for that on a fairly regular basis, although some of them would enjoy other things from time to time too.
Maybe it would help if you stopped labelling yourself as submissive and your girlfriends as dominant and just thought of yourself as someone who likes to be bossed about in bed a bit.
You just don’t sound that kinky to me and I think you’re creating your own problem by trying to live up to an image that is not from yourself. You don’t have to “come out” as a sub to like having a girl sit on your face. You don’t have to be a slave to like having a girl say “not yet” when you’re about to come. Fact is, most guys like a bit of that and so do most girls.
Just don’t expect it every time, instead ask her about her needs and try to fulfil those too, and you’ll find that there are loads of slim, pretty, fit women under 35 who’ll want to do stuff with you.
CISL – not getting enough action after just 8 months? Stop wasting time in that relationship and cut your losses.
I understand that you’ve been doing this for a long time, Dan, and it’s nice to take a break and let others dole out the advice, like guest professionals and contest winners. But going to a bar and taping people’s problems onto a clip-board so drunks can comment on them? I think that’s going over the line. If I were one of the people that wrote to you and had my answer responded to in this way I wouldn’t feel good about it at all.
If I wanted to get sex advice from drunks (other than you) then I’d go to the bar and talk to them about it instead of writing to you.
And btw, no, none of the questions were mine.
Sorry Dan, I love you but this is a loser. I can read snarky comments by the readers already. Don’t do this again. You owe us a column.
@60 technically you knew them, unless you commune with the dead.
As for the rest of the offended asshats you do realize that a bar on capitol hill is not a bastion of testosterone ridden men. In fact one could make the case that these people who have alternate sexual lifestyles or preferences may provide sound advice without the patience to put up with a bunch of bitching from those who ask for it. but but but but. giv eme a fucking break. Yeah murder isn’t funny, but this guy probably doesn’t give a shit what his wife thinks at this point. Therefore one could say he is killing his relationship, burying his moronic mormon past and embracing his sexuality.
this was sort of like when the band points the microphone at the audience during a concert. i don’t show up to hear the asshole next to me, i show up to hear the band.
DAN PLEASE READ THIS COMMENT… I would be really interested to hear your advice, especially regarding the first one.
that was hilarious! please do this again in the future!
Could you give advance warning the next time you do this? I think this is just the sort advice I need. (Or am I just afraid of getting support? It’s prolly easier to be called a whiney arse titty baby than to try to fix one’s faults.)
/whine whine whine
Dan,
Not cool.
I’d bet that the “eat my lunch” line is a reference to the Monty Python Lumberjack Song.
All those answers to the sub guy were stupid. It doesn’t make you a bad person to not want to settle for someone old, fat, or demanding you eat cum.
It’s [sic], not [hic]! ‘Sic’ means ‘thus’, i.e. ‘that’s exactly the way they said it’. ‘Hic’ means ‘this’, which is not what you want to say here.
“I eat my lunch” means “I can stand up for myself in difficult situations”.
And that is why it is used in the Pythons’ Lumberjack Song to illustrate how manly a man the ‘jack is supposed to be….
FWIW: Dan has two declaimers of the “murder is wrong” variety in the syndicated column (and some other changes) – if the Onion’s A. V. Club version is representative of how the column appears in non-local venues.
people are so f’d up, we should nuke the planet and start from scratch, then the only thing we would worry about is eating or being eaten….ugh!
people are so f’d up, we should nuke the planet and start from scratch, then the only thing we would worry about is eating or being eaten….ugh!
I fast forwarded through the pre-face and it read just like any other savage love edition.
this read just like any other edition of savage love. so what i mean to say is, your ideas are a tad bit homogeneous for freethinkers.
SOS:
Yes the door is open, no you shouldn’t put her on notice. She’s not saying she doesn’t want to know exactly what you did with whom on what surface in what costume. She saying she doesn’t want to have any idea you are even thinking about slipping out that door for some kink.
@74 I took “hic” as Drunken Latin.
Oh for heavens’ sake, people. Of course people sitting around at a Slog Happy are going to try to go for the answers they think are funny rather than ones that are actually helpful. These people aren’t writing to Dr. Ruth, after all, they’re writing to Savage Love. I do think it’d be nice if Dan also provided his (slightly less drunken and slightly less snarky) responses, but I also think this should be a regular feature of Slog Happy. I totally want to get to do this myself!
Oh, and the sub guy – extreme much? Why not just tell her no, you’re not interested in that? Why does it have to be my way or the highway? Ever hear of negotiation and compromise?
It was an experiment well worth trying, but, uh…no. However, Dan has said on numerous occasions that there are literally no qualifications for his job, and this proves it. Also, I think drunk people are more inclined than sober people to tell someone The Painful Truth when it needs to be told. Interesting experiment, but not so entertaining. Sorry.
This was really awesome. The only thing that would make this better would be you also putting in your 2 cents, Dan
@34: There is *a* BDSM group in DC? There are several. There are a lot of kinky folks here in your nation’s capitol (surprise surprise).
Barbara Mikulski? Is that you?
Capitol:the building in Washington, D.C., used by the Congress of the U.S. for its sessions.
@33 — my feeling exactly. my response to the sub was “Did you just try ‘No’ first?”
And that guy didn’t say “I eat my lunch.” He said “I eat my lunch EVERY DAY.” Big difference. no fucking clue what it means, but it’s different.
“WTF? Get rid of the shit. I’m not talking about ‘leaving’ her. She’s likely to have some of your secrets. KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime, rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family.”
possibly my favourite thing ever written on savagelove. EVER.
advice to the dude that “eats his lunch everyday”, dude….
just keep eating your lunch and hopefully you get something new in that special lunch bag…..cause it looks like you’ll be eating “lunch” by yourself
Seconding the idea that Dan offers his own advice after entertaining us with the advice of the drunkards. Some of them were funny, but (not to brown-nose) I think Dan is usually funnier. These just sound like they’d be really funny if you were there, but are kind of bland when read online or in the Weekly. Also, he splices his humor with real advice.
to some of the commenters up there: uh, since when does mr. savage owe us anything? if he stops being interesting, i’ll stop reading.
“…I eat my lunch every day. I don’t need to be looked after. I’m totally self-reliant…” I took the “eat my lunch” comment to mean that he doesn’t need a mommy or a woman who will nag him. However, to me, the fact that he needs to say the same thing three different ways sounds like he’s protesting too much.
Since when is feedback the same thing as entitlement?
Shit was SO cash. Thanks for putting my murder advice in. The list comes from exp.
blushingflower, I would happily feast for hours and then when you’ve had enough quietly collect my things and go leaving you to bask in the aftershocks
blushingflower, I would happily feast for hours and then when you’ve had enough quietly collect my things and go leaving you to bask in the aftershocks
It almost seems like Dan genuinely believes that “anyone could do this” and he just got lucky getting the job, which isn’t true, of course. The reason the column is so popular is that Dan is really good at it. Ugh. If I wanted to read some random asshole’s opinions, I could just write something in my head and read it off the inside of my eyelids while drifting into a stupor.
Two comments…
1. I believe St. Peter actually said “opinions are like assholes – everyone has one and they usually stink.”
and
2. It was kinda irresponsible to post that last piece of Slog advice without a BIIIIIIGGGG fucking notice to all the idiots out there in cyberspace that the “murder” comment was merely intended to be humorous. Rather, you opted to add a half-assed “murder-is-wrong-mmm’kay” bit into an area of the column that most people stop reading once they see the words “thanks to.”
Two comments…
1. I believe St. Peter actually said “opinions are like assholes – everyone has one and they usually stink.”
and
2. It was kinda irresponsible to post that last piece of Slog advice without a BIIIIIIGGGG fucking notice to all the idiots out there in cyberspace that the “murder” comment was merely intended to be humorous. Rather, you opted to add a half-assed “murder-is-wrong-mmm’kay” bit into an area of the column that most people stop reading once they see the words “thanks to.”