Dear Readers: Your faith in my counsel and
willingness to take me into your confidence moves and humbles me. The
seriousness with which I approach this work would normally prevent me
from turning your letters over to a bunch of drunks in a bar. But when
Slog Happy, our monthy happy hour for readers of the Stranger‘s
blog, was held at a bar where I sometimes retire to write my
column—the Roanoke Tavern on 10th—I decided to print out a
few of your letters. Names, e-mail addresses, and identifying details
were removed, and your letters were passed from drunk to drunk, taped
to legal pads.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines “advice” as “an opinion about what could or should be done,”
and opinions, as Saint Paul famously observed, are like assholes:
Everyone’s got one (Esophagans 14:20). Since comments on Slog never
want for opinions (or assholes), it seemed only natural to give the
commenters a crack at this advice bidness.
My wife and I have been
married for eight months, and I love her very much. However, we don’t
have sex much, maybe three times a month. We’ve seen a therapist a few
times, and it hasn’t changed anything. I still love her, but my needs
haven’t been met and I’m frustrated. Due to my frustration, I posted an
ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get some erotic
interaction via the web. I only sent a few pictures back and forth.
However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized and said I never
wanted to be with anyone but her, but that I just wanted to feel like I
was desired. My wife has asked me to move out for a while, which I
did.
Are we effed? I know what I did was
horrible, but I want to make this marriage work. I love her, and I
don’t want this to end it.
Confused In Salt Lake
• “Since you live in Salt Lake, I’m
going to assume that you didn’t have sex with your wife before you got marriaged [hic], and so it turns out that you and your
wife are incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the
cow.”
• “A lot of men make the mistake of
initiating sex by just being like, ‘Hey, let’s fuck.’ Try this: Rub her
shoulders, offer to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat
her out, but don’t ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show her
that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn’t work, sorry, you’re
fucked.”
• “You have four separate problems that
are now, through the magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your
wife’s not into sex, you live in Utah, your wife made you move out, and
you’re using Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical
honesty: Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want. Insist she do
the same. Don’t censor. This will either finish burning your marriage
to the ground or maybe—MAYBE—allow you to start dealing
with each other like adults.”
• “Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you
to move out. It’s already over! HELLO?!?”
I have a submissive side. My
first dominant girlfriend would face-sit me for an hour; after she
climaxed, she would ride me until she climaxed multiple times, and only
then would she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus
after intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add “more
sauce” to the mix—bring another man into our play, and this other
man’s ejaculate—I dumped her. A similar thing happened in my next
relationship. Do all dominant women think all male submissives are
interested in bisexual behavior and being a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C.,
but the cohort for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it’s nothing
but fat women. I don’t want to pay, I work out, I have a salary, and I
eat my lunch every day. I don’t need to be looked after. I am totally
self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely dominated by a
woman. If the right woman came along now, I would marry her and make
her very happy.
Should I be more patient and let her find
me, or should I find ways to put out more openly that I am a
submissive?
Where Are The Monogamous
Dominant
Women?
• “Where are your social skills,
douchebag?”
• “You sound like a dick. Only sex your
way or you dump them? WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly
introduce the dom/sub stuff. Right now you are SO demanding with your
fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else’s. That’s a dick
move.”
• “When I got to ‘I have a salary and I
eat my lunch,’ I stopped reading.”
• “There is nothing less attractive
than a ‘sub’ screaming, ‘Top me, Mistress—but not if you’re too
fat or too poly or too old or if you actually have fantasies of your
own or if you’re going to order me to do something I don’t want to do.’
That’s why you’re not getting any action, dummy.”
• “You suck. The end.”
My partner and I are in our
mid-20s and have been together since our teens. We have similar
interests and compatible lifestyles. We make an awesome pair.
Unfortunately, we are not sexually compatible. Over time we’ve grown
closer regarding most things, except for sex. I’ve come to realize that
I’m kinky and non-monogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky, though
she has said that if I slept with others she would NEVER want to know.
That leaves a door slightly open.
I love her and am committed to the
relationship, but I need some kink to be happy, and my outing myself as
kinky has led to a steady deterioration in our vanilla sex life. Is it
fair to put her on notice that I’ll be kinking out as opportunities
arise and deal with the fallout as we go?
Seeking Orderly Solution
• “She said she would ‘never want to
know.’ That is NOT an open door. That’s a double-shielded blast door
with padlocks and a sign on it that says, ‘Don’t even think about it,
motherfucker.'”
• “Putting her ‘on notice’ sounds kind
of ass-holish. Have the big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your
future. It’s not fair to either of you for you to have to stay
monogamous and be unhappy. You need to figure this out.”
• “Let her know that you are going to
do it if the opportunity arises, but assure her that you’re just
looking to satisfy your kink. Be sure to respect her desire not to
know, but always be ready to divulge if she changes her mind. If you
want the relationship to work, you need to be ‘allowing.'”
• “You’ll be unhappy for a few years if
you leave her, but you’ll be unhappy for the REST OF YOUR LIFE if you
stay.”
• “WTF? Get rid of the shit. I’m not
talking about ‘leaving’ her. She’s likely to have some of your secrets.
KILL HER. Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime,
rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family.”
Thanks to the Slog commenters who wrote my
column for me this week. And for the record: Murder is wrong, and Slog
Happy takes place on the second Thursday of the month. Check Slog at
thestranger.com/slog for
details.
That was the best EVER! (and I’m not being sarcastic)
dust4ngel has made a glaringly accurate observation, which makes this little weekly relationship advice exercise either more or less fun, I’m not sure.
“Dear Savage Love,
I’m a regular guy trying to please his wife. She’s not going for it because she’s not in the mood right now, have any tips on how to finesse a proper response from her?”
Dear Disgusting Middle American,
First of all, gross. Vaginas are totally retro and stupid, and they make you a homophobe, you dick. Obviously your wife’s a fat, stupid cow, too, and neither of you should breathe anymore because you’re obviously a country hick who likes to pork farm animals. I bet you’re even a Republican. Go die in a ditch. Lol, I bet there’s a ditch on your farm. Go back to your trailer and root for McCain while you get cancer from that steak you wolfed down for dinner (fucking carnivore). Fuck, ten dollars says you’re one of those damn born-again Christians. I sincerely hope that you die in a fire along with your other beer-drinking, English-slurring asshole friends.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Wrote Something In This Article, Dan Savage Included
Everyone Who Wrote Something In This Article Is Mean.
While the slogs were entertaining, I personally prefer your take on things. I recommend your column to the younger generation (early 20s) who don’t quite yet understand boundaries and appropriate behaviour in a relationship. I’m always amazed how much people are willing to tolerate because they think it’s OK. Your column tells them it’s not. So if you want to do this on a regular basis, I hope that’s it’ infrequent.
Re: Urleen – 141
Thanks for your response. Fantasy BDSM imagery has become so mainstream in advertising and and mass media that people for get that it requires complex communication and negotiation to create (never mind mind maintain) a successful sub/dom relationship, and those that have managed it often forget how difficult it is and become arrogant and condescending to those that are still trying to find their way.
Personally I feel sorry for WATMDW. He doesn’t seem at all clear about what he wants – saying he wants to be “completely dominated” by a woman but seeming only to understand that in terms of sex and sexuality.
I wonder how he would react if his “mistress” told him she wanted him to go to the local deli and bring her a chicken and avocado sandwich. I wouldn’t want to speculate too much but I suspect it would turn out to be a deal-breaker.
This is so funny to read for a virgin like me.
I kinda agree with what someone else said that it would be awesome if you put your own advice in with the drunken advice. While insanely entertaining (and this is, after all, and entertainment column), I’m sure that most of the people that write in about their problems have gotten the drunken advice of their own drunken friends a thousand times over and wanted to hear from someone who has an idea what he’s talking about.
Definitely put more random advice in more columns, but, please, give us an informed opinion as well. 🙂
You Rock my socks off!I think it was very amusing and should happen again, BUT maybe add in your advice too since the letters did come to you? Great Job keep up the good work!!!!
By the Way I loved your Title of this weeks advice,clever 🙂
So WATMDW has noticed a trend in his relationships. All the women he dates wants some non-monogamy. So why has he not figured out that he should discuss this BEFORE they get serious. Something along the lines of “I really like you, and I love being submissive to you, but in order for this to be a long term relationship, non-monogamy is a deal breaker for me.” Who knows, maybe she’d like him enough to agree. This is basic common sense.
WTF??
Dan, people who write in are asking for YOUR advice, not the drunk opinions of a bunch of a**holes at a bar! It’s pretty not-cool to take the honest-to-goodness questions of your readers/fans and allow whomever happened to be in the bar that day answer their questions. If you don’t want to do your job, Dan, then quit, but don’t subject us to anymore of this garbage!
Comment 162 needs to take a chill pill.. like, featherweight is not paying your salary.. shut the fuck up featherweight, some of us like an extra creative Savage-fix every once in a while, and don’t freak out if its not the same style. goodness.
Sic semper tyrannis may know latin, but he’s not very smart. It’s a play on words. [hic] for [sic] because they are drunk. That’s really funny.
Loved it. Love you Dan.love.love.love and the murder comment was my favourite. loving love! Oh sweet Jesuus, life is too good!
@141 I am so, so sorry. Wow. Talk about topping from the bottom.
I liked this, but I think it would have been better if you had included your advice too, Dan.
Wow… Dude says he doesn’t want to fuck fatties – something almost everybody can agree on whether they say it or not – and he gets word-raped by every dipshit with a keyboard. Well known fact: NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK FATTIES. Next time, try giving advice in an advice column instead of telling the guy he’s an asshole for sharing the same opinions as you, but being brave enough to share them. I got some advice for you: Move out of DC. If the SnM group is that small, and that fat, it’s probably scared away others like yourself too. Fat people are just unattractive. You shouldn’t be berated for wanting to fulfill your fantasies. Why seek out a sex group that will repulse you? Those comments were bullshit, probably made by the fat whores in that group.
Devo, “Subgoloid,” unreleased draft
Thanks for explaining that to us @168. Do you find that people want to fuck jerks?