Savage Love

1. BTDT got it spot on. It’s good to know all the options, from methods of birth control to methods of sexual expression.

2. OMG. Dan, Please do a podcast or something to help me deal with the horrific news just out today. The voters in California and the CA supreme court are so ignorant, stupid, lame. Why is it that people still believe the myth of “separate but equal”? Gay domestic partnerships in the back of the bus, same old, same old bigotry..

3. Right now the link is going to parenthood.org, not plannedparenthood.org. It’s very wholesome, but offers no birth control effectiveness chart.

4. Hey, the link to plannedparenthood.org is split, so it instead takes you to parenthood.org, which has an eerie god-bother vibe to it. Funny mistake, but you might want to tidy it up?

5. AHHH SO CLOSE! But Depo Provera is A BAD IDEA. It’s terrible for you (bone loss etc.), and was tested on poor minority women without their knowledge or consent, was used in an attempt to cull the ‘poor minority’ population, and we ship it to Africa by the boat load. It was also used as a way for women to reduce their sentences in court!!
   Depo is BAD for women.

6. I wish there were more birth control methods out there, for both men and women. Currently, for women, there’s the pill (hormones), different kinds of pills (different kinds of hormones), the patch (a patch hormone), depo-provera (a shot hormone), the ring (a ring hormone), hormone IUDs, other hormone devices… the problem is, it’s all just “the pill” but with different amounts/kinds of hormones.

   So realistically speaking, the only forms of birth control are: 1) female hormones, 2) male barrier, 3) female barrier. If hormone devices don’t work in one form, they’re not likely to work in any form. Thus, barriers are the only recourse, and since female condoms are strange and difficult, there is really only one choice left: condoms.

   Birth control is a fickle bitch.

7. @ 3 & 4:

   Thanks—it’s been fixed.

8. Re: BTDT, the sponge is back on the market. SPONGEWORTHY!

9. i have to say, the ring is a good solution, and i’ve tried many pills and condoms. it affects me the least and you don’t have to worry about remembering to take it everyday.
   oh, and heroin harms you, uses up precious seratonin, DA, etc… Being gay is not harmful at all unless you act irresponsibly, like driving without a seat-belt.

10. @ Urgutha Forka : you forgot about nonhormonal IUDs, which BTDT mentions having, and which Dan talks about on this week’s lovecast. I guess they’re back, better than ever before, which is good news for those of us who don’t like messing with our horomones.

11. You missed the boat with DRUGS Dan. Heroin use isn’t in the same category as homosexuality because heroin use is not an individual choice. Oh, sure, someone might be high-functioning, for now, but the second something goes wrong in the heroin user’s life, they’re going to be doing anything they can to feed their habit – stealing from their friends and relatives, stealing from strangers, whatever it takes. No matter how raging of a homo you are, what you do to your boyfriend’s cock isn’t going to affect anyone other than you and your boyfriend. Heroin use doesn’t work that way.

12. I appreciate the education on birth control, but remember the original poster was a teenager. I still think she absolutely needs a condom no matter what else she is using. And, learning how to be assertive now and let a guy know he has two choices — “in with one” or “not in” is a valuable lesson.

13. Waitwait… shouldn’t it be the other way around? Heroin use is a choice you make, and gayness is something you’re born with, ie Not A Choice?

    And the religious right would beg to differ with you on the “not hurting anyone” point. Won’t you think of the children? (sarcasm, btw)

14. regarding the IUD in some states it is only available for women who have had their cervix breached, meaning had a baby or an abortion because they can be related to other kinds of bacterial diseases that can lead to infertility and no one wants to be responsible for giving a teenager, who may want to give birth later, a problem with her cervix … so talk to your doctor, do your research, ask lots of questions…for me when i entered a relationship it took a year to find the right form and WE continued to use condoms until I decided which was right for me

15. I agree with biggie. Drug users affect everyone else around them whether they like it or not; just ask the families of those addicted to drugs. Oh, sure, people claim that they can use drugs responsibly (“No really, I can!”), but illegal drugs can cause all sorts of bizarre and frightening side-effects and reactions, like that recent news story of a PCP-user who ate his son’s EYES out. Or the kid who smoked pot and realized too late that mental illness ran in the family. After all, no drug user PLANS to be a messed up crack-head.

    If you’re gay, there’s no ‘weird reaction’ that causes harm to yourself or others. You’re not tempted to steal to feed your gay habit if times are hard. Being gay can’t KILL you if you take too high a dose accidentally. So damn not comparable.

16. Oh dear, PILL: get really, really informed about various birth control methods. I know tons of women with horrific experiences with the shot, various pill, various patch and IUD’s. Which is absolutely NOT to say they are not good ideas, but that you should make sure to get informed, talk to doctors and other people you know who use birth control methods and then try around for what works best for you.

17. Cats vs. Twitter – this clears up everything for me.

    Thanks!

18. Knowing the available types of birth control is always good, especially for those in monogamous relationships but many of those types don’t prevent STDs.

19. i’d like to comment that i’ve been using fertility awareness method successfully for nearly 5 years. there are other options besides simply hormones or other hormones.

20. @ Biggie and BB,

    I agree with Dan on this one. Drug USERS can function without necessarily harming anyone. I mean, think of all the people that consume alcohol recreationally, or maybe ecstasy at raves or pot at home, most of them don’t automatically begin robbing their friends and murdering people to feed their habits. Drug ADDICTS are where the real problem lies, like gambling addicts, alcoholics and bulimics their use has major consequences for everyone in their lives. I would contend that the number of such addicts is and always will be a fraction of the number of users. Now, although I agree heroin is a much stronger drug, as is meth-amphetamine, there are probably people that can tolerate it. There are many people on methadone treatment that lead relatively benign lives for instance.

    All drugs should be legalized and we should use the resources for the “War on Drugs” on treatment of and research into addiction and harm reduction efforts for the addicts that can’t handle their drugs.

21. How do you know you’re fertile, Nicole? There may be other reasons that method has worked for you.

22. I agree with Trying to Help that PILL’s main issue should be dealing with the fact that her teenage boyfriend (they were 17 right?) won’t use a condom. Sure he likes it better without, but come on, she needs to tell him to wrap it up or put the pants back on. He must learn sometime that this is how it goes. And all those other birth control methods won’t protect from STDs.

23. Most teens CAN’T get an IUD. Docs reserve them for women who are in long-term, monogamous relationships. If you’re changing partners frequently, like many teens do, it can increase your chances of coming down with an STD.

24. I agree with 12 and 23. No, we don’t want the teen getting pregnant, but we also don’t want her getting an STD. All of Dan’s methods kept her free from disease as well as pregnancy. I will get my daughter whatever birth control method she wants, as long as she promises to always use it with condoms.

25. I think there is no comparison to be made between drug use and being gay. It’s apples and oranges, so it’s not even on the same spectrum. Being gay doesn’t affect mental functioning, emotional stability or cause DUI’s.

    Can a person be a recreational user? Of course it’s possible. It’s a slippery slope, though. There are only a few places to go from recreational use: addiction, jail, DWI/DUI, overdose/accidental death, or quit before it becomes an addiction. I would say that for 99% of people those are the choices available.

    I was a recreational drug user during my misspent youth, so I’m not saying that there aren’t people who use on an experimental basis and then move on with life. I did. My best friend and I used to go out clubbing every weekend, smoke weed and also take the occassional x pill or do a line of coke. But I know from watching other people around me with problems that not everyone was able to quit as easily as I did. Many people have serious consequences from drug use.

    As it turns out, my best friend had some kind of undiagnosed mental problem that doesn’t mix well with drugs. She’s the kind of person who gets crazy/psychotic even on pot. Everyone else in the room would be chill and sedate and she’d get irritable and high strung. I can’t tell you how many times I had to clean up after her or watch out for her safety when she was high. I almost had to call an ambulance for her, because I couldn’t get her to wake up. Long story short, her substance problem continued well into her adult life. Over the course of our friendship, she stole $100 from me to buy coke, killed a dog and a cat on separate occasions while intoxicated, and is a super scary person now. I haven’t spoken with her in 3.5 years because her alcohol/drug abuse scares me.

    The problem is that drug use is a serious gamble with your life/health. You don’t know if you will become an addict or have serious problems until after you start using. It’s unpredictable. The fact that there are functioning addicts is not evidence that drugs are safe. I recently saw a statistic about addicts stating that 75% of all addicts have jobs. Addicts aren’t just junkies living on the streets- they are also high-functioning users who think they have it all under control and that the rest of society just doesn’t understand.

26. RIP_Thurgood —
    Unfortunately the purview of the CASC was only to determine the eligibility of Prop 8 to be inserted into the CA Constitution. Since CA has its stupid proposition system…. Prop 8 is legal. It’s a horrible, ignorant thing, but don’t go blaming the CASC for it. Their job was to determine whether the dumb@ss voters of CA could insert that POS into their Constitution. And they can…. dumb@sses!

    Personally I find it deplorable that ignorant @ssholes want to take any Constitution, state or Federal, which is essentially about liberty and justice and use it to exclude people from liberty and justice.

27. Actually Dan’s methods don’t necessarily keep her 100% STD free. You know a lot of STDs can be transmitted by skin touching (ala Herpes or HPV) or kissing even (oral herpes anyone?). It is all about risk management versus pleasure. Most people dont want to be wrapped in saran wrap from head to toe every time they have sex so we take risks. But please don’t imply everything but penis in hole is 100% guaranteed to keep you clean because it isn’t.

28. Hate to break it to you guys but outercouse and blowjobs can give you STDs. Some diseases transmit with skin contact (herpes and HPV) and you can get pretty much anything in the mouth you can get on your genitals (say oral herpes or syphillis). They are safer than unprotected sex but not 100%.

29. I agree that the “War on Drugs” needs to be ended and I am in favor of licensing the sale of drugs of recreation – but I doubt it will ever happen in this country. For such drugs to be available “over the counter” would call into question the need for a prescription for any drug at all and requiring a physician’s prescription for these drugs would be largely ineffective as few physicians would be willing to prescribe recreational drugs.

    However, if such legalization WERE to happen, I would be one of those at the forefront insisting that those who choose to partake of “recreational” drugs also sign waivers declining their right to state-sponsored healthcare for any health condition linked to their drug abuse. I already feel this way for cigarettes – it drives me mad that there are those with conditions predicated on their use of cigarettes who require extraordinarily expensive healthcare and expect the taxpayer to cover the cost. So please, smoke/inject/swallow all the heroin you want. But please do not expect anyone else to cover the cost of any conditions that might arise as a result of your drug use.

30. Another good choice for PILL is to have a menage-a-trois (in the sense of a sustained three-way relationship) with her bf and another girl, who is okay with birth control pills, and he can just come inside her. It’s important to understand all your options.

31. Fertility awareness is a great way to get more informed about your body and your cycles, but if you’re in your teens or early 20s it’s pretty likely that your cycle will still vary too much for it to be effective. (It’s also more subject to momentary lapses of judgement than more obvious physical methods of birth control.) I’d only recommend it if you’re prepared to have an abortion or a baby… I tracked my cycles for several years in my early 20s, I learned a lot and was very careful, but eventually got pregnant anyway.

32. @ #9: how is being gay analogous to driving without a seatbelt??

33. I find it funny that with IUDs people always bring up the risk of infertility. People should realize the risk of infertility with an IUD is lower than the risk of DEATH from Hormonal birth control.

34. I think a more essential point for BTID is that PILL was dating someone who was clearly not very mature. If he “doesn’t like condoms” well he better get used to it, because not every woman will want to take the contraceptive burden on themselves; also, condoms prevent STIs, and “I don’t like condoms” will not cut it on a one night stand. Pill’s boyfriend needs to grow up before they’re ready for intercourse.

35. Dan — I’m listening to the podcast and you’re explaining GGG to us again. Two items:
    1) expand it to the world in general… this planet needs some more GGG in a general capacity. Sheesh, does it ever.
    2) http://www.acronymfinder.com — everyone should bookmark it!!! (somehow your definition only ranked #7 in the GGG list, go figure.)

36. @23 and others: You say it’s important for a teenager to use condoms because they could be changing partners a lot and methods like IUDs are intended for long-term, monogamous relationships. I agree … except PILL’s problem was not with condoms, but with her PARTNER’S problem with condoms.

    PILL, if you change partners, use condoms, poof!

37. @ #32 rumblebee:

    Really?? Do you need your hand held that much?? Your reading comprehension skills are dwarfed by your ability to add extra punctuation!!!!!!!!

38. @29, ok so does that mean obese people would have to sign that waiver too? How about people with highly physical/dangerous occupations? These are all choices we make that affect our health. Who, exactly, is worthy of state-sponsored healthcare?

39. Dan, you have just earned a place in the simile hall of fame (which I hope does not actually exist) for the phrase, “gay is like Cats, while heroin is like Twitter”

40. I have a feeling that DRUGS’s question was really just a trap for you to fall into, trying to make you write something stupid or hypocritical, and yet Dan you handled it flawlessly

41. Prop 8 decision: http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/opinions/doc…

    Read it for yourself!

42. @6, you’re neglecting the surgical options. Vasectomies are cheap and effective (Planned Parenthood has been known to sponsor discounts for them). For the huge numbers of guys I’ve met who do not want kids under any circumstances, vasectomy is an option. It’s just that most guys are pansies about doctors messing with their junk under any circumstance.

    There’s the copper IUD for women, which is extremely effective and reversible, but not for those at high risk of STIs. And of course women also have surgical options for birth control.

    Not for everyone is every circumstance by any means, but surgical options do work for a lot of people.

43. @38 – Dangerous occupations are not the same as drug use. Society needs someone to work dangerous occupations. Society doesn’t need any heroin users. If everyone chose to NOT work in mines, for example, society would be in trouble. But if everyone chose to NOT do heroin, society would be just fine. So we cover the health care of people who step up and work the dangerous jobs, but shouldn’t cover the health care of those who make the purely selfish choice to do heroin.

44. @38. Actually yes, I happen to think that if you are obese and desire state-sponsored healthcare, you should have to agree to strictly monitored exercise and diet plans in order to receive healthcare sponsored by taxes. Highly physical/dangerous occupations? It depends on the benefit of that occupation to society – if society is paying for the results of an accident on the job, I think society should benefit from that job in some concrete, tangible manner. Thus firefighter, police officer, construction worker? Yes to state sponsored healthcare for accidents on the job. Professional wrestler or professional stuntman? No.

    Clearly we’re painting with broad strokes here, but of course all of this is IMHO.

45. Personally I don’t want a nanny-state, but it seems I am in the minority these days in America. So if you want a nanny-state that regulates your healthcare, you should prepare for a nanny-state that monitors your lifestyle choices that will affect the cost of that healthcare. If you think government sponsored healthcare will turn out that different than healthcare monitored by insurance companies, you have your head in the sand. Both have a tendency to think about people as widgets and costs associated with maintaining the health of individuals in terms of risk/cost vs. benefit.

46. Personally I don’t want a nanny-state, but it seems I am in the minority these days in America. So if you want a nanny-state that regulates your healthcare, you should prepare for a nanny-state that monitors your lifestyle choices that will affect the cost of that healthcare. If you think government sponsored healthcare will turn out that different than healthcare monitored by insurance companies, you have your head in the sand. Both have a tendency to think about people as widgets and costs associated with maintaining the health of individuals in terms of risk/cost vs. benefit.

47. huh, so being gay is exactly like doing heroin ? who knew.

48. Hmm.

    I have a terribly dangerous job working on energized powerlines that provide electricity to all of your little laptops, and I have private insurance.

    That being said, DRUGS isn’t saying that using drugs is like being gay. He’s asking Dan if the feelings of hiding something are analogous to being in the closet, and then Dan answers him in typical Savage Love fashion. Sheesh, why the eff does everything have to come down to “for” or “against” anything? I mean, come on, we’re all individuals… sure you can shuffle me into many different boxes (handsome, witty, male, humble) but we’re really an accumulation of our experiences and choices. DRUGS is doing a little introspection and wondering about if his situation is unique to him, or if maybe he has something in common with a sex columnist’s demographic.

    And PILL, use condoms. Period. I didn’t use one ONE EFFING TIME and ended up married with a kid. No pregnancy scare, nothin. If the guy says “but I can’t stay hard, baby” then put on your panties and DTMFA.

49. There are lots of condom options out there, too. My partner couldn’t stay hard with the brand that are given out free by our students’ union, but a $7 investment in a different brand that had a different size and shape available was well worth it. There’s tons out there- before exploring different birth control (though not STI prevention) options, why not shop around the various kinds of condoms? It’ll be a fun scientific experiment for PILL. And well worth it.

50. There are lots of condom options out there, too. My partner couldn’t stay hard with the brand that are given out free by our students’ union, but a $7 investment in a different brand that had a different size and shape available was well worth it. There’s tons out there- before exploring different birth control (though not STI prevention) options, why not shop around the various kinds of condoms? It’ll be a fun scientific experiment for PILL. And well worth it.

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