Savage Love

1. DRUGS: Becoming a well-adjusted gay person includes: 1. accepting yourself completely in your own heart and 2. learning to navigate the reality of a disapproving society. It’s really hard to do either of those things alone, so an essential part of the gay ‘experience’ is finding other gays for support – a community. In the bad old days those communities kept underground. Today’s gay liberation ‘happened’ because of hard work and organized action. So I guess a question you might ask yourself is – are there others like you? Do you believe in your cause enough that you’d be willing to work to create a world where you would not have to hide your heroin use?

2. Most addicts I’ve known think they are on top of their drug use, even after numerous crises that should have let them know they are not. There’s always an excuse, a reason why it wasn’t their fault. In addiction, denial is the name of the game.

   RE Legalizing all drugs: One problem with letting folks decide what they will do with their bodies is that many folks who opt for drug use also drive. If someone wants to zone out at home that’s one thing but do we really need more folks on the road under the influence? Are people who have made the questionable decision to use heroin, meth, etc. likely to be responsible enough to stay off the road? Look at the national track record for drinking and driving. And yes, there are already illegal drug users on the road–Do we need more of them?

3. Most addicts I’ve known think they are on top of their drug use, even after numerous crises that should have let them know they are not. There’s always an excuse, a reason why it wasn’t their fault. In addiction, denial is the name of the game.

   RE Legalizing all drugs: One problem with letting folks decide what they will do with their bodies is that many folks who opt for drug use also drive. If someone wants to zone out at home that’s one thing but do we really need more folks on the road under the influence? Are people who have made the questionable decision to use heroin, meth, etc. likely to be responsible enough to stay off the road? Look at the national track record for drinking and driving. And yes, there are already illegal drug users on the road–Do we need more of them?

4. Most addicts I’ve known think they are on top of their drug use, even after numerous crises that should have let them know they are not. There’s always an excuse, a reason why it wasn’t their fault. In addiction, denial is the name of the game.

   RE Legalizing all drugs: One problem with letting folks decide what they will do with their bodies is that many folks who opt for drug use also drive. If someone wants to zone out at home that’s one thing but do we really need more folks on the road under the influence? Are people who have made the questionable decision to use heroin, meth, etc. likely to be responsible enough to stay off the road? Look at the national track record for drinking and driving. And yes, there are already illegal drug users on the road–Do we need more of them?

5. Most addicts I’ve known think they are on top of their drug use, even after numerous crises that should have let them know they are not. There’s always an excuse, a reason why it wasn’t their fault. In addiction, denial is the name of the game.

   RE Legalizing all drugs: One problem with letting folks decide what they will do with their bodies is that many folks who opt for drug use also drive. If someone wants to zone out at home that’s one thing but do we really need more folks on the road under the influence? Are people who have made the questionable decision to use heroin, meth, etc. likely to be responsible enough to stay off the road? Look at the national track record for drinking and driving. And yes, there are already illegal drug users on the road–Do we need more of them?

6. Most addicts I’ve known think they are on top of their drug use, even after numerous crises that should have let them know they are not. There’s always an excuse, a reason why it wasn’t their fault. In addiction, denial is the name of the game.

   RE Legalizing all drugs: One problem with letting folks decide what they will do with their bodies is that many folks who opt for drug use also drive. If someone wants to zone out at home that’s one thing but do we really need more folks on the road under the influence? Are people who have made the questionable decision to use heroin, meth, etc. likely to be responsible enough to stay off the road? Look at the national track record for drinking and driving. And yes, there are already illegal drug users on the road–Do we need more of them?

7. The drug question was totally a strawman argument. One simple question:

   Would you allow a homosexual to babysit your dogs/kids/plants? Sure, I’m past that particular prejudice.

   Would you allow a heroin user to babysit your dogs/kids/plants? Ummmm…NO!

   Using heroin regularly means you habitually alter your reality in ways that can be very dangerous to yourself and other living things. Being gay doesn’t alter anyone’s reality (except for religious right fruitcakes and republican congresspeople).

   Now the real question is…would you allow someone on hormonal birth control to babysit???

8. @8: The sponge is fantastic! I used it, very carefully and steadily, with my last BF. Totally comfortable and easy to use. The only downside was not being able to receive oral sex while it was in. Well, until I got pregnant after 4 weeks. Having an abortion was a definite downside. Use the sponge only as an added measure of protection or at least make sure he pulls out if it’s your only method of birth control.

9. As I read the letter from DRUGS I am struck by the “introspective” nature of the question(s). In this world, and deepsixed economy…thank you Generalissimo Bush…the legalization of most ‘recreational’ drugs would seem to solve a part of the deficit. We would see a lowering of the turf wars, as once you filed for a peddler’s permit and set up your stand, the police would be helping you instead of whupping on you…the cartel killings and general slaughter in Mexico would slowly stop as they would no longer be forced to find mules to get past the border…of course, this would also equate to, as state run lotteries, slots, and casinos, a tax on the poor…those who can ill-afford yet another tax…if one only looks at history, which very few people are guilty of, the disparity between the prosecution of selling cocaine and crack…which settled out among all of those lovely racial/socioeconomic lines…now for those readers that didn’t tune out…

   The desire to take drugs has no relevance to the reality of one’s sexual orientation…this is coming from a hetrosexual married male whose best man and a groom’s woman at his wedding were homosexual, as well as two of the bride’s maids…who but a jealous, insecure yogurt would care if two people that loved each other wanted to get married, and they had the same genitalia…who would choose to not have basic civil rights…who would choose to live in a city with no representation…no one except a brain dead republican…the truth be told I am not surprised by the California decision…this is the same state that elected Nixon, and Swartznager…Swartzcoff…you know…Ah’Nold…

   And to the teenager PILL…as my beloved mother told me when I was younger…”No condom, no sex! I am too young for you to be knocking up some girl and bringin’ home a grandbaby!” Mutual masterbation, oral, striptease, you and your partner…all can be very satisfying. And as you will find out, hopefully, a real man takes care of the birth control…every time!

10. Does anyone “like” condoms?

    I have not met one person – male or female – that prefers sex with condoms to sex without. The use of condoms (and they can be used for oral sex, which everyone seems to be forgetting) remain a great choice for people willing to be mature about their sexual health and are not in a monogamous relationship.

    PILL needs to dump the little boy and find a nice young man. Men use condoms; boys whine about them.

11. All the comments are about the drugs and birth control letters. No one cares about the Raped Boyfriend letter? Dan, you had that nailed. It does sound like the “no sex, good home” boyfriend might be totally scamming him. At the least, the guy withheld significant information. “No sex — that’s not monogamy, that’s celibacy” is perfect. I wish more people would get this distinction early in their relationships, so they don’t end up celibate-but-partnered. Oh, and if this guy was my friend, AND the rape story was proven, I’d tell him to require the bf to get counseling or the relationship is over. Someone who doesn’t have sex AND refuses to get help is requiring their partner to be celibate. I’ve been there and it sucks!

12. Dan you’ve been duped. DRUGS wasn’t interested in your take on the legality of drugs but wanted to put you in a position of defending homosexuality. It’s a typical ploy by those gay-haters to try and make being gay look like it is some kind of sickness that can be cured and gay people should be shamed for their weakness. Read again what he says and I believe you’ll see that he’s mocking you (and all gay people).

13. Dan you’ve been duped. DRUGS wasn’t interested in your take on the legality of drugs but wanted to put you in a position of defending homosexuality. It’s a typical ploy by those gay-haters to try and make being gay look like it is some kind of sickness that can be cured and gay people should be shamed for their weakness. Read again what he says and I believe you’ll see that he’s mocking you (and all gay people).

14. Don’t know where exactly the “nanny-state” and health insurance got thrown into this mix but here’s my two cents. I’ve never smoked, don’t drink, haven’t done a single illegal drug since college (30+ years ago), exercise daily and don’t have a weight problem. I was never much in favor or supporter of universal health care even before it was a buzz phrase. Mostly I guess because I always had a job with health insurance. Eighteen months ago I lost that job but was fortunate enough, because of my health history, to secure reasonably, or at least affordably, priced insurance. Seven months ago it was discovered that I have a rare, but treatable, cancer – one however that requires a very expensive treatment that my insurance company does not cover because “they” feel it is experimental. I also was told by my insurance provider that they would no longer accept me as I was now, due to the cancer treatment that they refused to cover and which I was using my retirement savings to pay for, considered too high of a risk. So, at age 55 I am without health insurance and, seemingly unable to obtain insurance in the future because of my current condition. So I guess because anyone (myself certainly included) determines that universal health care is contributing to a nanny-state and only necessary for those who haven’t been responsible enough to provide for themselves they might want to take a step back and think that no matter how much they think or believe that it couldn’t happen to them they are absolutely wrong. I thought I did everything right yet I’m now in a position where I’m probably never going to be able to obtain health insurance thus resulting in my inability to seek medical treatment except when I can afford it or, as many others have done, use the emergency room as a doctor’s office and then skip the bill (resulting in higher costs to those who can pay either privately or through their insurance provider).

15. Dan, Are you giving us permission to inhale your boyfriend’s pheromones? Sounds like fun!

16. Regarding the Raped Boyfriend, IF the story is true, it seems really weird that the guy would choose a person who looks “exactly like” his rapist. That alone should tip one off that it’s baloney. I can’t imagine having anything but a horror reaction to someone who looked like the person who raped me. IF it turns out to be true, ANB should dump him anyway because the guy has serious problems.

17. BTDT’s absolutely right, but there is the STD issue too, which is reduced by non-vaginal intercourse to at least some extent but not at all by other strictly birth control methods.

    As for DRUGS, I don’t have very well formed opinions on this, but I think it is important to recognize that heroin is so incredibly addictive (it literally supplants your brain’s natural neurotransmitters, even to some extent in the beginning, and thereby makes consumption of heroin a necessity for survival). Even knowing that, you can’t really prescribe (no pun intended) any concrete course of action without getting into all sorts of “foundations of ethics” debates, but, if you’re going to talk about the “freedom of choice”/”rational adult” angles that I think argue persuasively for legalizing non- or minimally-addictive drugs, you might say that they don’t really apply, since a heroin user’s free will and rationality can be easily hijacked by the drug. This is why, for instance, courts have ruled that cigarette companies can be held liable for marketing to young kids, who may not have the fullest idea of the potential consequences of smoking are.

    Look, I think Dan’s right: complete criminalization doesn’t seem to fully recognize these freedoms (even with heroin) and doesn’t seem effective in controlling dangerous behavior, but I think drugs like heroin go to the very core of some of our ethical assumptions and raise questions that we do need to consider.

18. Difference between Being Gay and Drug Use:

    Being Gay is not a choice, but drug use is, just like religion.

19. I love these “nanny-state” hand-wringers. I’d like to see ’em having to dig their own wells to get their water. And if some large corporation buys land nearby, pumps the water-table dry (or just poisons it by dumping toxic sludge nearby) & sells it back to you for $5/gallon, well that’s just good market sense, and it’s your fault for not having the money to stop them. Long live Libertarianism!

20. The “society needs it” may work for miners, but it doesn’t work for mountain climbers, skiers, athletes who overdo it etc. etc. etc. A better way is to internalize (through taxation) the costs of caring for the side effects of things. In fact smokers already pay back to the state several times what the state spends on their smoking-related health problems. There’s no reason a similar approach couldn’t work for other drugs – they would still be less destructive than in their current illegal status.

21. The whole universal health care debate is dumb. Do we want to be a civilized nation, or a nation of dog-eat-dog animals? Access to health care is about human dignity. PERIOD.

22. @ Goldilocks: I prefer condoms. I’m a woman, and frankly, I find it too messy without them. I figure my junk is subject to the campsite rule: pack it in, pack it out.

23. Hey y’all, this is unrelated to any previous post, but I was wondering if anyone had any advice or links to articles, etc.

    My nine-year-old niece was shocked and somewhat appalled to hear rumors that her American Idol favorite, Adam Lambert, was gay. I overheard her talking to a friend about it, and asked her later what was wrong with being gay. At first she said, “Are you kidding me? *What’s wrong with being gay?* Oh my God.”

    She maintained that gay people are weird, and not okay. I know my sister (a single mother) did not raise her with these values–she is an openminded, liberal, accepting human being and parent–so I attempted to change her mind about it.

    She has red hair, and I pointed out that statistically, more people are gay than have red hair, so she’s actually weirder than gay people. She thought that was pretty funny, but I’m still worried that someone out there–I’d assume classmates in our fairly conservative town–is feeding her bigoted values.

    Does anyone out there have experience or suggestions as to how I should handle this? My niece already told my sister about the conversation, so I know she knows too. I don’t want to be too pushy, as I know she has a strong, intelligent parent taking care of her, but at the same time I’d hate to see my niece grow up holding onto these misguided opinions.

    Help please!

24. Dear DRUGS,
    Dan did not mention this, but if you feel the need to constantly hide your drug use, YOU ARE AN ADDICT!

25. Oh heavens you anti-drug pro-gay folks. it is perfectly clear that one can use drugs responsibly and safely and one can have sex safely and responsibly. (Well, most drugs. PCP is an exception, perhaps. But heroine is not. One of the most important professional philosophers of the 20th century – and not a french artsy philosopher, but a math-related analytic one – used heroine every weekend for over a decade. Had one of the greatest careers in one of the intellectually hardest fields in history.) One can do either irresponsibly and dangerously. Of course there are sex addicts and of course they affect the people around them. If you compare reasonable, responsible sex with out of control addicted drug use, of course the latter look bad. And at least please remember that cigarettes and alcohol cause vastly more death than all illegal drugs combined. (by a factor of about 100.)

    As for danger, should we get out the waivers for driving – which at its best is far more dangerous than illegal drug use – or motorcycles, or bicycles, or walking around in polluted cities, or playing football, or ocean swimming, or … All add more to health costs than drugs. Or why don’t we just stop hassling people for things they do that don’t affect us, and have national health care like any civilized country.

26. @ 74

    Maybe she is too old for this book, but it’s worth a shot!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/And_Tango_M…

27. Anyone considering Depo should read patient accounts readily available on the internet. There are far more enjoyable ways to lose hair, severely damage your emotional health and suddenly gain large amounts of weight… any combination of which can be a great birth control tactic in itself. Depo should be less legal than heroin, if that’s even possible.

28. To BB (#15),
    That is exactly the kind of information that people use to scare people off drugs. Drug use effects people very differently. Instead of likening it to being gay, how about comparing it to alcohol? There are functioning full-blown alcoholics who have figured out how to hold down a job without endangering others. There are also people who drink occasionally, get a buzz and then won’t touch it again for a month. Both are functioning “users” of alcohol. You can’t use the extreme cases (alcohol poisoning at a frat party, perhaps?) to discount cases where people have figured out themselves and their methods of happiness well enough to live fulfilling lives. Some people run up $50k of credit card debt, some drink a fifth of Jack. Which one is more destructive?

    It all comes down to peoples responsibility and accountability. If we used the scare tactics of the drug campaigns towards car crashes and the _huge_ cost of money and life to society, would that change things? Freedom and autonomy can be as much of a high as a drug hit, no?

29. I agree with dan’s advice for the first problem. That guy is totally giving him a snow job instead of a blow job. Verify story, and probably start looking around for someone a little more reasonable.

30. @ego Well said. I think that would also make a great tattoo 😉

31. Dan I normally think your advice is honest and fantastic, but I kept waiting for you to rip PILL’s pouty little BF a new one. A teenage boy who “doesn’t like” condoms? Big surprise! I’ve yet to meet anyone who thinks sex feels better with a latex tube over their penis, but it beats no sex at all. While I agree that young women need to be informed about all of their birth control options, sexual responsibility lies with both partners, and “I don’t like condoms” doesn’t fly as an excuse not to use them. Perhaps PILL’s boyfriend should prepare for another widely-prescribed birth control option for teenagers: abstinence.

32. Right on, BTDT!!

33. Inhaling Dan’s boyfriend’s pheromones?
    Sounds like one helluva party!

34. Ah, I love the smell of idealism in the morning… smells like… pheromones. Sure, some folks can control their heroin, but they are in the small minority. At least be honest and admit that it has a MASSIVE propensity for uncontrollable abuse.

35. To all the sexual assault and domestic violence survivors out there:

    Date who you feel comfortable with, have sex with who you feel comfortable with and respects you. Or don’t date or have sex. Don’t listen to that bull about not dating until you’re completely ready to handle it- if you have PTSD you could be waiting forever. Go live your life and keep yourself as emotionally safe as possible. If you’re with someone who doesn’t want to wait or can’t handle what you’ve been through and how you choose to deal with it, that’s their problem.

36. @74
    How ’bout talking with your sister? It’s her daughter after all and together you are more likely to find a good way to handle this.
    Also, it might help to remember that for kids and teenagers, lots of things that aberrate from the perceived norm are new, shocking, weird and make them uncomfortable and most kids don’t bother with political correctness but simply reject what makes them feel bad or insecure (that’s why kids can be such mean little brats to other kids and still grow up to be awesome adults).
    So don’t force the issue down her throat.
    Actually, I think your reaction was pretty cool, and your niece’s reaction – first “What? You kidding?” (meaning that someone asking for *reasons* was probably new to her and that she herself might not be entirely “normal”, statistically, was likely food for thought as well) to her talking about the conversation to her mother means, that she’s thinking about it, that the wheels in her head are turning.
    So let her think. If she wants to know your opinion, she’ll ask and you can talk to her in a situation, where she wants to hear what you have to say (versus lecturing her or going after her with all the missionary zeal of a pushy liberal with a mission).
    If she’s a smart girl, and she kind of sounds like she is, she’ll compare your reactions and explanations to those around her and draw her own conclusions.
    I don’t think you can do much about the general opinion in your hometown, though.
    Well, apart from being a friendly, decent person yourself, of course.
    ~Alice

37. Dan, according to one of your books, you have also taken ecstasy, once, at Los Angeles Pride.

    Don’t hide from your past!

38. Dan, according to one of your books, you have also taken ecstasy, once, at Los Angeles Pride.

    Don’t hide from your past!

39. Bravo Dan,
    When we allow a portion of society to dictate what life choices we make, it is a dangerous slippery slope.
    Shame on those that pick fights with, say ciggerette smokers, claiming there mortality costs more then anyone else who is doing the inevitable(dieing)Perhaps the medical element of society should own up to the fact that they have out-priced health care to the point where a living wage can’t pay for treatment, long term or short…
    thanks
    smokin a cig at the bottom of the hill…

40. Bravo Dan,

    When a small portion of society dictates what life choice to make it is a dangerous slippery slope.
    Shame on those who would pick a fight with a ciggarette smoker instead of the medical community that has out priced treatment long term or otherwise for every illness, and treatment. It cost no more for my mortality then it does for anyone else. I can tell you now it is not ciggarette smokers who is blowing smoke up anyones ass, it is the medical proffesionals pretending to make everyone imortal.
    Thanks Linda Herron
    smokin at the bottom of the hill.

41. fshkit — as a an ex-smoker of 15 years that lives in a country that hates its own people enough to deny them basic health care I say, fine… smoke… but you should be paying taxes on them to support your inevitable healthcare costs.

    I also say as a believer in human dignity that health care shouldn’t cost as much as it does.

    But as a 6 year non-smoker I say smoking is one of the dumbest things you can do to yourself (and others). Lots of folks who are dying didn’t bring it on themselves, like smokers and junkies do.

42. Thank you your advice. I hadn’t heard of that book, but I’ll definitely look into it, and Alice–you’re right. She is a smart girl. I need to be careful not to be too didactic.

43. Thank you your advice. I hadn’t heard of that book, but I’ll definitely look into it, and Alice–you’re right. She is a smart girl. I need to be careful not to be too didactic.

44. IUDs are not appropriate for teens. Just sayin’…

45. Well, while we’re taxing fat people, smokers, and drug-users for their supposed cost to health care (which is nonsense anyway since all three die earlier and therefore in the end cost less in total health care costs than those healthy virtuous people who exercise and eat right and therefore spend and extra 20 years of nonproductive life on the planet sucking up more social security and medicare than they ever could have paid), let’s also tax basketball, soccer, tennis, and football players, skateboarders, gymnasts, cheerleaders, and most definitely bicycle riders, especially those of the baby boom generation (http://www.cpsc.gov/library/boomer.pdf), whose injuries as a result of their narcissistic pursuit of “fitness” costs billions of dollars every year in medical treatment, long term disability care, and lost work. In terms of health care dollars spent, it’s no more “healthy” to ride a bicycle or play basketball than it is to eat a Big Mac. You can do non-impact calisthenics right in your own home or neighborhood park with almost no risk of injury–just like the billions of Chinese who manage to stay fit with tai chi..

    So how ’bout it all you self-righteous bicyclists and weekend warriors? I’ll pony up my pot smoker’s premium if you’ll pony up for a reckless exercise tax.

46. Well, while we’re taxing fat people, smokers, and drug-users for their supposed cost to health care (which is nonsense anyway since all three die earlier and therefore in the end cost less in total health care costs than those healthy virtuous people who exercise and eat right and therefore spend and extra 20 years of nonproductive life on the planet sucking up more social security and medicare than they ever could have paid), let’s also tax basketball, soccer, tennis, and football players, skateboarders, gymnasts, cheerleaders, and most definitely bicycle riders, especially those of the baby boom generation (http://www.cpsc.gov/library/boomer.pdf), whose injuries as a result of their narcissistic pursuit of “fitness” costs billions of dollars every year in medical treatment, long term disability care, and lost work. In terms of health care dollars spent, it’s no more “healthy” to ride a bicycle or play basketball than it is to eat a Big Mac. You can do non-impact calisthenics right in your own home or neighborhood park with almost no risk of injury–just like the billions of Chinese who manage to stay fit with tai chi..

    So how ’bout it all you self-righteous bicyclists and weekend warriors? I’ll pony up my pot smoker’s premium if you’ll pony up for a reckless exercise tax.

47. Taxes on a pack of smokes went from .31 cents to well over a dollar a few weeks back they want me to smoke, or I couldn’t…

48. Taxes on a pack of smokes went from .31 cents to well over a dollar a few weeks back they want me to smoke, or I couldn’t…

49. Sorry about the double writing I must have button issues also.

50. I employ a ‘high functioning’ heroin user. Like DRUGS he believes that heroine is OK as long as he shows up to work, does his job and pays his bills on time. He is weird with my customers and his teeth are rotten. I am going to fire him.

    (…and yes, I have mentored him and offered to get him treatment. he doesn’t believe he needs either of those things.)

Comments are closed.