I met my girlfriend about
three months ago on a social-networking website. The pictures made her
look attractive and in shape. We texted each other nonstop for the
first three months. This past weekend we met, and she didn’t look
anything like her pictures. However, we did still have sex twice. I’m
about to start my freshman year in college, and I do not want to be
tied down going into school. Breaking up with her will break her heart
into pieces. I have no clue what I should do.

Epic State Of Confusion

You didn’t meet your girlfriend three
months ago, ESOC, you met this girl last weekend. And if she
expects a lifetime commitment after posting misleading photos and
exchanging text messages and a single weekend of sex, she isn’t just
asking to have her heart broken, her heart needs breaking. So
you’ll have to break it for her, ESOC, unless you’re prepared to be
with this woman for the next six or seven decades.

She’ll conclude that the breakup has
something to do with her looks, of course, and that fact will make your
rejection hurt all the worse. Good. She set herself up for rejection
when she posted misleading photographs on that social-networking
website and forged an emotional connection with you under what amounts
to false pretenses. Your rejection may convince her to post
more-representative photos—honest photos—in the future.

Anyone looking for sex partners online is
free, of course, to post misleading photos of mysterious provenance.
But those who do this have no one to blame for their hurt feelings but
themselves. If I may paraphrase the caption under a famous New
Yorker cartoon: On the internet, no one knows—or has to
know—that you’re a dog. But when chatting becomes cyberdating,
when romance may be in the offing, and a face-to-face meeting becomes
inevitable, an exchange of better photos—or at least
more-representative photos—is simple common sense and common
courtesy.

And here’s where you went wrong, ESOC: You
fucked this girl. She naturally interpreted your willingness to fuck
her as a sign that you didn’t care about the discrepancy between her
photos and her actual appearance. It’s going to make the rejection she
has coming more devastating than it needed to be.

I’m a gay male in my late 20s
and a survivor of testicular cancer. I count myself lucky, but I’m
still down a testicle. I’m also coming out of a five-year relationship.
I’m now concerned about how much a set of balls counts in the gay
community. I am not getting one of those ridiculous ball implants. I
just want to make sure I don’t freak out any of my future partners.
However, discussing cancer during a first date or in dance clubs seems
to be sort of a turnoff. Tips?

Half The Man I Used To Be

Since having one ball isn’t going to place
your sex partners at any risk of anything or hamper your sexual
performance in any way, I don’t think you’re obligated to disclose
until you get home from the movie or the club and you’re rolling around
on the couch and making out. When hands start reaching for zippers, say
something like this: “Just so you know, I’ve only got one ball. Long
story, and I’ll tell you all about it later. And I only have one dick,
too—but you only have one throat, so we’ll find a way to make
this work.”

There may be a handful of gay guys out there
who won’t want to date a guy with one ball, and they’ll make their
excuses and refrain from seeing you again. But so long as you’re not an
insecure, tormented bag of slop always bemoaning his half-empty sack,
it shouldn’t interfere with your love life.

A wonderful guy I’ve known
since grade school zoomed in and became my lover after a devastating
divorce. He’s a tiger in bed, sweet and respectful, and an overall
terrific guy. The problem? I’ve always been considered a “knockout,”
while my lover is “different” looking. I love him even more for it. But
what do I say to assholes who ask questions like “What are you doing
with him?” It’s usually one of his “friends”—and they’ll say it
right in front of him.

My Boyfriend’s Not A Loser

“What am I doing with him? I’m doing all I
can to keep his nuts drained—basically, I’m doing for him what
your right hand does for you.”

I have been with my girlfriend
for nearly four years now. We are both 23. We are in love, but I want
to have sex with other people—with girls and with guys. I was a
virgin when I met her, but she had been with a few other guys. I have
brought up threesomes, and she seems fine with the idea and talking
about it turns her on. But she also says she doesn’t want me to have
sex with any other girls, only her, but a guy would be fine.

What Should I Do?

Find a guy you wanna fuck, WSID, check in
with the girlfriend, have a conversation about health and safety and
primacy (she’ll always come first), and ask if she wants to have an MFM
threesome. Then go fuck the guy. If you fuck the guy alone, check in
with the girlfriend before and after. If you fuck him together—if
you have that threesome—check in with the girlfriend before,
during, and after.

Then once you’ve shown the girlfriend that
you’re capable of sleeping with other people without being
irresponsible, unsafe, or insensitive, WSID, she
might—might—give you the okay to fuck another girl
sometime. The odds are even better if she fucks another guy with or in
front of you and realizes that, just as she had sex with another man
without feeling any less attracted or attached to you, you could have
sex with another woman without feeling any less attracted or attached
to her.

So a friend of mine and I have
been having a debate. She’s a lesbian, and she’s certain that there is
no possible way that she could ever contract a sexually transmitted
infection. Her logic is that fingerfucking and eating pussy are safe in
every way. But I remember taking a class on human sexuality where our
professor showed us pictures of people who contracted STIs in odd ways.
We saw a picture of a guy who had a yeast infection on his tongue from
eating a girl out (it kind of looked like cottage cheese was growing on
his tongue), and I won’t describe the picture of the guy who had
gonorrhea in his eye.

Is it possible for a lesbian to get an STI?
Or were those photos faked just to scare us?

Verification Desired

Yes, lesbians can contract STIs—from
each other, from the men some lesbian-identified women insist on
fucking, from lesbians who’ve slept with men. Skin-to-skin
contact—grinding pussies, fingerfucking—can transmit HPV,
for instance, and herpes and razor burn. Eating pussy is also a pretty
effective transmission route for herpes and HPV and gonorrhea and
syphilis and chlamydia and on and on. And if brain cancer were a
sexually transmitted infection, VD, your seriously fucked-in-the-head
friend would definitely be at risk.

mail@savagelove.net

144 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. The problems with the Savage Love Letters of the Day, in Slog, is that they keep you, Dan, from saving it all up for one good batch of weekly advicing in yer column. Which you do a swell-n-snarky job of here. Bravo, sir.

    Indeed: online dating: caveat emptor.

  4. Re: Half the man.

    I, too, have survived testicular cancer with one ball remaining. I think it took me a month before I could comfortably touch my own sac without recoiling. Now, it’s nothing unusual.

    Wife 1 is still with me. Wife 2 was impregnated after the surgery. The girlfriend on the side (who I didn’t start banging until after the surgery) hasn’t complained.

    Sure, I’m not gay or bi or otherwise interested in having sex with men, but I don’t see the situation as being any different in this regard.

    I would seriously consider the prosthetic nut if it had been offered to me when we scheduled my surgery. I was a little shocked when it was finally decided to yank it out so I didn’t ask about one (besides, the only prosthetic I knew about was marketed for use in animals). The nice thing about having both nads in the package is that they help keep each other in their proper place. With only one, it tends to move slightly off axis a little more often than I’d like. It’s not painful, but feels a little weird.

  5. Oh man I must have visited this page 20 times today hoping to see an update. (It was that kind of day.)

    I like how this week is bookended with stories of idiocy.

  10. OK, I’m a girl and not a gay man. So maybe the rules are different. But what’s up with the 1-ball insecurity? I once dated a guy with 1 ball & really couldn’t have cared less whether he had 1 or 2. I can understand why a man with 1 ball might feel insecure, but why would anyone sleeping with him care?

  11. The nut sack is not the sole reason I bought my ticket to the show. Who cares? Besides, my breasts are two different sizes.

  12. I am gay. I was with my first lover for 15 years. He only had one ball. You know, the issue never came up. We never mentioned it. It wasn’t an issue at all. It certainly didn’t matter during sex. To this day I assume he had an undecended testicle, but I was unconcerned.

  13. Regarding half the man – no worries, man. I’m a gay guy, and my last boyfriend was also a one-baller. He was upfront about it before we slept with each other, and it didn’t bother me – nor did it make any difference in bed. Any guy who is going to wale on you for being a cancer survivor deserves a swift kick in the nuts.

  14. your breasts may be different sizes, but one hasn’t been chopped off. so not the same thing. unless you think that because women don’t usually ogle a man’s balls they are not important or a man won’t feel a profound sense of loss. i guarantee if the letter were from a woman who had cancer and now is missing a prt of herself the responses from women would be very very different than the “so what” responses so far

  15. Dan, your answer about lesbian VD may be technically correct, but one suspects that if you look at the big, furry picture, lesbians are probably at much, much less risk of VD overall compared to people who practice insertive sex (inserting their own genitals, that is – not dildos).

  16. ESOC texted that girl for 3 long months and then agreed to meet her, all the time knowing he didn’t want to be tied down going in to school. So who’s the bigger liar? Her with her outdated photos? Or him with his plan to meet her, have sex with her, then dump her before school starts? A plan so clearly defined that he carried it out anyway, despite the misleading photos!

    I say the photos are a red herring. He’s using them as an excuse to dump her, whether they were actually misleading or not. The truth is he’s an asshat — he not only used a woman for sex, he actually wrote into a sex columnist about her in order to make himself feel like the bomb about it. Here’s hoping he becomes the victim of some kind of frosh-hop hazing incident.

  17. Blass – No one is saying HTMIUTB should or shouldn’t care, just that his lovers probably won’t. And both women AND gay men have responded this way, so I think it’s safe to assume that it works both ways.

    Jane – You read that very differently than I did… ESOC doesn’t “want to be tied down” by what turned out to be an ugly girl. I’d bet he was totally willing back when he thought she was hot. But since she turned out not to be what he expected, he wants an out, and “I’m starting college, I need freedom” makes for a pretty good one.

  18. Jane, et al.,
    If you don’t want to be with someone – because they’re fat, skinny, stupid, smart, or pink or green or whatever – then don’t be with them!
    You don’t need an excuse! It’s your own life.
    The idea that someone had an obligation to STAY with a person they texted for a few weeks and then had sex with – it’s repulsive!
    (Same if they even got married, when you come to that…)
    Being tied down to anyone when in college is idiotic, by the way.
    Cheers.

  19. Half The Man I Used To Be: why is a prosthetic so ridiculous? When I was 17 I met an older guy (30 ish) who only had one ball; it was a casual pickup and I did find the discovery rather creepy. I am sure that in a serious relationship it wouldn’t matter but many gay man go on initial impressions – and a missing nut, fairly or not, could signal “faulty” goods. The prosthetic op is quick, simple and very safe meaning you can have the confidence of not needing to feel any different. So why are you so determined to put yourself in this situation?

  20. Yeah I’m curious about those pictures that “didn’t look anything like her.” He doesn’t say they were of another girl; he doesn’t say that they were old; he doesn’t say she’d put on weight. He just says she wasn’t as hot or fit as he thought she’d be. I think he is too young and dumb to realize that people pick flattering pictures of themselves and that if she was super hot she wouldn’t be some dork’s cybergirlfriend for three months.

  21. i know frist hand about the cottage cheese in the throat, i had it from an old girlfriend that i was eating out, so it possible to catch STDs from eating pussy

  22. I know firsthand about cottage cheese in the throat, I had got it from a girlfriend years ago that I was eating out, so it is possible to get a STD from eating pussy.

  23. my impression is that you (Dan) are so light and skippy and smiles and giggles when answering the straight or gay male questions… you seem to get grumpy with the lesbians… maybe it is in my seriously fucked up head though?

  24. @23, I think Dan would lay into ANYONE, regardless of orientation, if they were stupid enough to think they were magically STI proof.

  26. The hottest porn movie I’ve ever seen starred a guy with one testicle. My husband and I fondly refer to it as, “The one starring Cyclops.”

  27. All the links people are posting in the comments section are truncated so there’s no way for me to get to those pages. I want to see those sites. Help!

  29. Today’s main theme is honesty both in this week’s column and Savage’s love letter. i can not but agree on Dan’s answer to ESOC.Both lied the girl by not putting a true representation of herself and ESOC by being dishonnest in his intention ( i am going to college and what i want only a fuck body and not a long term relationship ). A question though, why did you engage in that sexual relationship, obviously she lied to you and this should have been a deal breaker but no this did not deter you. Is something more that you are not telling us, that you were attracted to her despite her BBB profile and you are afraid of that attraction?
    AS for the bi-girl, I think that those kind of truths must be said at a fairly early stage of the relationship the first 3 days let us say, by withholding this information can be at best described as non transparent relationship syndrom, if not outward dishonesty. I think the future ex BF should confront her (her search for women was in the public).
    There is nothing more demeaning, sad and infuriating when at the end of an evening and when you prompt the question my place or yours to hear : 1- you are not my type, 2-You are too old (at 38) 3.. I do not fuck decaying meat (at 35) 4-… your place because I am married… and my question is honesty an over rated virtue nowadays?

  31. @Jane, while reading ESOC letter, I KNEW there would be a response letter from an angry chick just like yours.

    You think he’s an asshat because he fucked her even though he wasn’t attracted to her. And he “used her for sex”, wow that’s comically naive – have you ever been on a date, it happens all the time, i.e. beer goggles.

    The simple truth is misrepresenting yourself online by posting a photo taken at a complementary angle, or with shadows in the right places, or is out of date, is misleading and COMPLETELY unfair. Anyone that does use faux photos and then gets dumped when a face to face meeting occurs is just asking for it. The lesson here is – no matter how well you connected via emails and IM’g, even if they lead to declarations of love, if your photos don’t look like you in real life, your going to get DUMPED, period.

    BTW, I know I’ll get the wraith of fat chicks but they’re the biggest offenders of the online faux photos scam.

  32. I’m gay, and I’ve slept with two guys who’d had a bollock removed after suffering from testicular cancer. Personally, it couldn’t have bothered me less – if anything, the male body looks kind of more neatly symettrical with just the one ball hanging directly beneath the cock.

  33. I don’t understand why the first LW thinks this girl is his girlfriend; as Dan noted, they just met last weekend. Neither behaved admirably, and I think it’s best they don’t continue any kind of relationship.

  38. Hey, RocketMan, I dated online for 2 years, and MANY times the guys had posted pictures that were 10+ years old, so it’s not just the “fat chicks”, as you so eloquently put it.

    I learned not to trust pictures, so it was always refreshing when you met someone and could recognize them because their picture was current and representative.

    And the writer is an asshat for screwing her without telling her that he’s just looking for some fun before leaving for school. Odds are that she was hoping he was going to be around for some long-term screwing since he had spent 3 months texting her.

  39. ESOC may very well be an asshat, although I see nothing to indicate this in his letter. However, I do not find it so farfetched that a kid who is just about to move out of his mommy’s house and go to college may not want to be tied down to somebody who up until the previous weekend was a text message buddy.

  43. Great advice to Uni-ball as to how to break the news to partners!

    That being said, call me an asshole, but if I discovered my man had only one ball, it’d be a big turn-off. If the guy were amazing and we had a great connection however, I’d be able to see past the Uni-ball… unless of course Uni-ball also had a micro-penis. Here’s to hoping that this guy is hung like a horse!

  44. Re:HTMIUTB
    I don’t understand your reference to a prosthetic testicle as a “ridiculous ball implant.” My husband had one testicle removed 20 years ago, and a prosthesis was inserted at that time. I honestly can’t tell the real one from the fake, by sight or texture. It wouldn’t have bothered me in the least if he had chosen not to get the prosthesis, but it was his body and his choice. And HTMIUTB, it was your body and your choice, and you did what was right for you. But when you dismiss a prosthetic testicle as a “ridiculous ball implant,” you give people facing testicular surgery the impression that the artificial nut is odd-looking (it’s not)or obvious (it’s not).

  45. Oh for the love of Pete people, this is not “you’re an angry fat chick” “he was a shallow molester” black and white. Sounds like a classic case of being shy, insecure 18 year olds who tried to start a relationship, but had their expectations majorly let down (in looks, consideration etc.) How much do you build someone up over 3months, A LOT.

    Sure, disclosure and honesty is good with online dating, but profiles (social networks, dating sites etc.) are designed to feature the best/most attractive/smart things about us. Last time I checked “So, how do you really get along with your dad?” and “How bad are you at math, exactly?” and “What feature do you consider your weakest” aren’t questions on any online dating form. (I don’t think anyone has their “hung over, unwashed on a Saturday am” pic as their profile photo, come on!)

    We’re talking about two kids who met on facebook or whatever here, put it in perspective. Sounds like this guy spent the weekend trying to adjust to her looking different because he had begun to have feelings for her and just ended up realizing he couldn’t. Hard lesson learned.

  46. Guy who got yeast from girlfriend snatch: get that looked at? Very rare apart from people with HIV or on steroids, and some with diabetes and other immune problems.

    First writer was a jerk for giving the impression he wanted something longterm by texting 3 months before meeting? Um, that’s a hell of a lot of effort for a hookup. Stupid to sleep with someone who’ll feel entangled and you don’t like though–but hey, they’re kids.

    Tied down in college is bad? I started a 6 year relationship at 18 with BF#1. Totally wonderful experience.

  47. Even if someone’s picture looks EXACTLY like them, meeting someone IN PERSON isn’t the same as meeting them online, by text, or even by phone. Yet that’s the illusion people have when they date on line–an illusion that’s really heightened by electronic communication.

    Speaking as someone in her 50s, I met someone on line once who looked EXACTLY like his picture (or maybe he hadn’t even posted a picture, I don’t remember). We emailed each other back & forth for close to an hour the night before our date (this is back in the dark ages, I know, pre-text), & he seemed witty, charming, and wonderful, someone who really “got” me. I met him in person (MY picture looked exactly like me, probably even less flattering than it needed to be because I photograph so badly), and he was hostile, insulting, creepy, and obsessed with talking about how awful his ex-wife had been. Had he “misrepresented” himself the night before? Or was I supposed to understand that whatever either of us said electronically, IT DIDN’T COUNT until we met, because, unless I planned never to spend time in the same room with him, what really matters is the face to face (or body to body).

    Of course people should post accurate pictures, and I thought Dan was especially smart about saying that when ESOC had sex with that poor girl, he was telling her that he was attracted to HER and that the pictures didn’t matter. But the 3 months of texting also created an emotional relationship that ultimately didn’t have any basis. Insecure adults want to “correspond” before meeting, as do shy teens, and I get the appeal–but it’s a dangerous road, because what you learn is COMPLETELY without foundation. (I suppose if someone emails you something really creepy, that might be a good indication that they are a creep, but even then, you might just have misunderstood their sense of humor…)

    I actually think that’s true of pictures, too–even if someone looks exactly like a picture, you might be attracted to the person and not the image; or vice versa.

  48. I had a really good boyfriend long ago who was born with only one testicle. It made no difference to me at all. But he was bothered by it and got a prosthetic — which he lived to regret. His body surrounded the faux ball with scar tissue; it was hard as a rock. He was very unhappy with it.

    I’ve since had sex with another sweet kind guy who had lost a ball to a cancer scare. I like balls, but unless it’s your specific fetish, who cares!

  49. People are so desperate to be liked that they fail to use the best feature of Internet dating: the high-volume filter.

    Why bother pretending to be something you’re not on the Internet? Unless you’re just in it for cybersex, eventually you’ll meet in person, when it will become abundantly clear that you aren’t who you claim to be. The other person will be rightly mistrustful, and you’ll end up having wasted the time it took to get them to meet you in the first place.

    You’re much better off being *exactly* who you really are online. You’ll get a lot more initial rejections, but those will be rejections prior to any real effort on your part. Put another way, if someone doesn’t like who or what you are, they’re going to reject you eventually. You’re best off getting that rejection before you’ve invested any time in that person.

    Which isn’t to say that you should send folks your hungover picture, or tell them about your last awful breakup. Just make sure that the person you present online is the same person they’re going to meet and hopefully fuck in the future.

    I implemented this strategy the last time I was single, and it worked out great. I got shot down a few dozen times or so, but those all occurred after maybe thirty minutes of back-and-forth emailing, before I really gave a damn. I also met my current girlfriend, who thinks I’m hot (I’m not) and made of pure awesome (I’m not). So our relationship is great: I can be exactly who I am and she fucks me anyway.

  50. Re: I Hate Screen Names — great advice, and very well put. I wish more people had the guts & the good sense to take your approach.

  51. I’m guessing the lack of chemistry between ESOC and this girl isn’t all down to her not looking like her picture. I also wouldn’t be surprised if most people NOT looking to fuck her would say that the pictures did look like her. But the thing about online hookups is that it’s easy to become infatuated with someone you haven’t met and to fill in the blanks left by a blurry picture with your own personal fantasy. The fact that he went ahead and fucked this girl makes me think he was trying to “force it” when he discovered she didn’t fit the fantasy and is blaming the discrepancy between her photo and reality because he’s young and dumb and doesn’t know any better way to identify his feelings.

  52. Dan, can you please write and publish some erotica? Please? I almost creamed my jeans reading the script you provided for HTMIUTB

  53. Why assume this girl misrepresented herself? No one puts a “bad” photo online, but maybe this dude read more into that photo. Maybe he’s a shallow tool. Maybe another person would have thought the pic was accurate IF they had a real connection once they met. Chemistry’s a bitch.

  54. The first letter is a great example of why, when you meet someone interesting online, you should try to meet them in real life sooner rather than later. Three months is “later”.

  55. As a couple of people have mentioned, physical chemistry in person isn’t guaranteed, even if the pictures are totally accurate. The biggest mistake people make in online relationships is falling in love with someone’s letters/texts/IMs before meeting in person. The longer that goes on, the more impossible it is to live up to. Three months is just retarded (but then, so are 18 year olds).

    Talk online only as long as it takes to make sure the person isn’t a psycho (more than an hour, less than a week), and never get sucked into declarations of everlasting love (or even that you’re “dating”) sight unseen. Keep everything as casual as possible until you actually see how you sync up in person.

    You should only be making a quick check to see if you’d like to meet this person in real life, not waiting to make sure they’re your absolute soul mate before you finally get to consummate your love on your very first meeting. Or some shit like that.

  56. Why would she interpret his willingness to fuck her as anything other than just that? He’d probably fuck her again if she was OK with not getting anything else.

  57. Lesbians who think they’re immune to STDs burn me up. Especially the loathsome idea that “where there’s an infection there’s been a man.” That is some Valerie Solanas-level bullshit.

  58. I dated a guy once who had recently had a ball removed and while I was fine with it he was two freaked out to have sex with me and it was way before I started using misleading photos on gay.com…gosh it was way before the internet come to think of it.

  59. I had one of my testicles removed when I was very young, because it never descended and the doctors weren’t able to move it through the canal to the scrotum. Unfortunately someone in my class found out about it around 6th grade and kids being kids, I was teased pretty harshly for it and my social life up through high school suffered a lot.

    Once I was able to get away to college and figure out who I really was and meet people who knew nothing about me, things got much easier. I can tell you now I’ve had partners that never even noticed I only had one testicle, and none have ever admitted being weirded out or turned off by it. A tiny minority of gay guys might care and absolutely no girls will.

    I’d bet once the action starts happening, no partner is going to bolt. Sure there can be a weird stigma when people discuss it (see Lance Armstrong) but when it comes down to performance, you only need one piston to fill the cylinder.

  60. These questions were so basic and easy. Why would anyone bother to write these in?
    Better yet, why did Dan answer these easy no-brainer questions?

  61. i get that you still want to get laid, but don’t make insinuations of a relationship with someone if that is not your plan.

  63. Oh for heaven’s sake. If you want to dump the stupid lying bitch then dump the stupid lying bitch, you’ll have dumped her and won’t even have to deal with her goddamn emotional baggage, it’s ridiculous and stupid to carry it on just so that she can feel better, you’re uselessly delaying the inevitable. Fuck her emotions, you don’t want to see her again so you may as well tell her.

  65. I did a guy with no balls a couple of times. Having no balls made the penis look huge. I didn’t care about the missing balls and never mentioned, but I wished he had.
    Where they—balls—there and I didn’t see them? Did they ever drop? Did he have them removed? I’ll never know.

  66. lasalvage–he was missing BOTH balls?? I don’t think so! Were you fucking him in the snow, maybe? Or maybe his penis was so huge it was hiding his balls? I guarantee they were there, you just didn’t see them.

  68. For one-nut EPOC : If you care to adopt a wicked sense of humor, don’t mention the missing testicle. Then when a lover mentions it, act startled and say “What? Where did it go?”

  69. I met my husband online – and I made sure to post representative photos of myself – NOT the ones in which I looked FANTASTIC, because that’s just not a realistic depiction. Yeah, clearly sometimes I look that great – but not usually! The *last* thing I ever wanted to see when meeting a man in person that I’d first met online – was disappointment on his face when I walked in the room.

    That said, this kid really shouldn’t have slept with the girl that he thought would be a hottie and turned out to be a nottie. But he did. And that sucks. But in the end, it’s a good learning experience for her – lord knows I learned it – that lots of people out there will be unscrupulous to get laid. So hopefully she’ll be a little more savvy next time and be better able to weed out some of the unscrupulous ones. But our guy will be doing her a favor if he TELLS her (and easy does it on that one) that her photos were a little misleading. It might keep her from getting disappointment – or worse, more of the same – next time.

  70. Dan (and others) are absolutely right that lesbians can get STIs from each other. However, before you insult lesbians who think they can’t, consider this: I am a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I have been told BY DOCTORS that I do not need pap smears or STI testing because I only have sex with women. While I recognize this as extremely bad (even dangerous) advice, others who trust their doctors to give sound medical advice may actually believe their doctors. And doctors SHOULD be trusted to give sound medical advice, even to lesbians! So until all doctors are actually educated about the risk of STIs to lesbians and other finger-fuckers or carpet-munchers, we should be insulting or complaining about DOCTORS, not the women who listen to them.

  71. Seems like a bias in the responses to the ESOC, that GUY did something wrong by fucking GAL, as if it was all up to him. I suspect if the genders were reversed, the responses would be quite different. Sounds to me that two young and socially inexperienced people chatted online then fucked on the first date. Both willing, albeit possibly stupid, first for putting so much effort into an online “relationship” at their age and stage in life, second for considering that texting constituted a relationship, and third for having sex on a first date.
    Then again, they are young, they had sex (hopefully with protection), they have regrets. Welcome to life. That’s what being young and inexperienced is about.

  72. Gay guy here, had T.C. also and had one of the “boys” removed. I got the prosthesis which makes me look normal in the shower, gym, etc., but you can tell it’s not the real thing because it’s not as soft. For awhile, I was insecure about it and wore a cock ring because then you couldn’t tell the difference, but finally just reached the point where I figured if someone was going to reject me for something so stupid they weren’t worth my time anyway. Long story short, have been happily with the same guy for 10 years now and it’s never been an issue.

  73. I had T.C. and lost one of the “boys”. I was really psychologically devastated about it, so I got the prosthetic and look normal in the shower, gym, etc. though it definitely feels different and you can tell it’s not real. For awhile, I wore a cock ring for sex because then no one could tell, but finally just dealt with it. Long story short, have been with my partner of 10 years who could care less so it’s all good.

  74. My boyfriend and I met online, and had a face-to-face after 5 weeks of emails, chatting and nightly phone calls. The time between meeting online and in person meant that we had the chance to really talk about interesting and personal things, and to trust one another. You can tell by the way people talk about certain subjects if they are lying or not, and we both went with our instincts.

    As for pictures, our situation worked in the reverse of most; I sent him two or three current ones, which he liked right off, and I somehow thought that the photos he sent of himself didn’t do him justice (as it turns out, he doesn’t usually photograph well). And I was right. We had a romantic and sex-filled first weekend together, and that was 5 1/2 years ago.

    Moral of the story for EPOC and the girl? Be honest, post current and natural photos (don’t go to GlamourShots or a makeup artist first, for god’s sake), don’t “name” the relationship until you’ve at least met once…and if a first meet doesn’t create any sparks, don’t be afraid to cut your losses and say, “Sorry, I guess I’m not that interested.”

  75. I loved your advice about the missing testicle. I’ve dated two such men and it was not a big deal at all – but I worried for them if their remaining testicles were at risk. You know the expression “I’d give my left nut if…” Such guys could joke that they DID get that wish and leave it at that.

    Scott
    San Francisco

  76. Whoa! Dan is full of snappy comebacks today! Good work my friend!

    To HTMIUTB, prostheses have come a long way since they used to use sterilized ping-pong balls. A “ridiculous ball implant” is nothing compared to ridiculous cancer. I imagine that as you move through life, you’ll make your peace with your new lighter load; but if not, do consider a state-of-the-art implant.

  77. 15: I think that’s incorrect. Lesbians are MORE at risk because they don’t think of themselves as “at risk”. They can’t get pregnant, they don’t have big AIDS-style scares, and dental dam/finger-condom use isn’t as well advertised as normal-condoms. While penetrative sex might be higher risk, I think lesbians put themselves at high-risk when they are told that their sexual style is “safer”.

    I was with a guy who’s balls were to either side of his dick, rather than the “normal” configuration of under-the-dick. It was weird and unexpected, but it didn’t change that he was hot and hard as a rock.
    Besides, having one ball probably isn’t as big a drop as “I don’t have a dick, by the by.” /That one/ sends people for a loop, “I only have one ball” will probably be met with “Oh. So?” Try not to let it rattle your self-confidence.

  78. I’m a gay man and I’ve been with a guy who had only one testicle from birth, and another two guys who had one ball significantly larger than the other, one due to childhood trauma, the other just because that’s how he developed. It certainly didn’t affect my enjoyment of going down on these guys. If anything, I regarded their unusual ball sacs as being an interesting feature, not a turn-off. I don’t even remember talking with these guys about it until we’d been together for a little while–it just wasn’t that big a deal.

    I doubt that most of your partners will care, and some might not even notice. I think delivering a matter-of-fact “public service announcement” before you get naked is fine if you’re worried about a guy having a negative reaction in the middle of sex, but there’s no need to talk about the cancer unless and until you want to. There may be a few guys who will be turned off, but just about all of us have some physical feature that would be a turn-off for some guys.

    I’d be concerned less about what your dates think, than about how you are adjusting to this change. Losing a testicle to a life-threatening illness sounds really traumatic. Talk to your friends, find a shrink, get some counseling at the hospital where you had the procedure done, or whatever. You may need some extra support right now, especially since you’ve also just ended a relationship. In any case, you’ve got a lot more to offer both in bed and in a relationship than what’s in your ball sac.

  80. Might Dan consider having a lesbian colleague (or really anyone else might do) answer the rare lesbian questions… assuming there is such a colleague?

    As far as @victims are us, what does ‘the men some lesbian-identified women insist on fucking’ mean? Funny… has the phrase ‘the woman some gay-identified men insist on fucking’, or ‘the men some straight-identified men insist on fucking’, or ‘the women some straight-identified women insist on fucking’ ever appeared in this column.. and again.. what does that mean… (particularly in light of dan’s views on bisexuals..)

  81. @31: Although you do have some good points about truthfulness, you sound like a typical lookist asshat.
    Go back to your kidporn and stay there.

  82. @31: There’s a difference between taking a picture at a complementary angle and using a picture that’s ten years old, or, worse, of someone else entirely. What do you want people to do, submit their DMV photos? (I’m not an axe-murderer, I just look like one online.)

    And the “wraith” of fat chicks? Look out Rocket Man! The ghosts of fat chicks past are coming to get you!

  83. @77: wrong; lesbian sex really is the safest sex around. They don’t get more stuff because of the false sense of security; they get some stuff with a reasonably accurate but not perfect sense of security. The really bad stuff is very hard for them to transmit, eg, HIV.

  84. um… abour the 18 year olds… do you think he’d have been more willing to be tied down if she’d been as hot as her pictures lead him to believe? He was hoping for his myspace hottie… what he found was a liar, but he was so worked up he fucked her anyway. He’d have been totally in the right except for that one small thing… he went ahead and fucked her. Now they’re both deceptive. But still, when he dumps her, she has no right to be hurt… she knows what she did. So does he. It’s gonna be messy… just rip it off like a band-aid and don’t fuck people you’re not into anymore. You could end up with warts.

  86. Dan I lost one testicle in a childhood accident.I’m a gay man who was in a relationship for 18 years.My lover never once in all those years even mentioned this fact.My advice to this young man is to just stop thinking about this,there are a lot more important issues in life to deal with.If another guy has a problem with this you don’t need the jerk!

  87. @42 and @52,

    Thank you for putting a huge smile on my face. I needed that today.

    And Dan, I second #52’s motion! Please, please, please.

  88. Brilliant response for MBNAL! I found myself in this situation last weekend, and had no idea what to say. If it happens again, I’m prepared!

  90. Regarding having one testicle instead of two: that’s why we have redundant systems sometimes. With no loss of sexual functioning or hormonal activity, most lovers and relationship partners would be happy that you are healthy. Only get a testicular implant if you want the cosmetic and psychological benefits for yourself. The best people in your life will care more about how you feel about yourself than about your testicular number.

  91. @ 83 You can still get HIV transimitted through oral sex, men or women though the risk of contracting it is pretty small. It is foolish to assume, however, that all lesbians have it “safer” than everyone else as they do not.

    Two words: cervical cancer. If a guy gets an HPV infection he might get a little bump on his penis. If a woman gets an HPV infection and lets it go untreated (a la no Pap smear) she could die of cancer.

    Lesbians do other things OTHER than eating each other such as using toys. If toys are not cleaned properely after sharing (boiling them) or heaven forbid they go ass to mouth or pussy without cleaning the toy there can be dire consequences. Many, many infectious diseases can be caught this way, not to mention STIs.

  92. Re ‘The Big Furry Picture’ – the question was never whether sex with penetration carried more risk than sex without penetration. The question was that the lesbian (his friend) thought there was no risk at all with nonpenetration sex. Just read more closely before you criticize.

  93. Um, re lesbians catching HIV, a blood-borne disease… I’m a woman and I have significant discharge of blood once per month in my joy arena. While I don’t *know* that HIV lives in menstrual blood, it seems strange to think that it wouldn’t.

    Re Mr. Uniball — having only one testicle seems like such an incredibly minor issue. If I were in the market again, there are much, much bigger issues that I would care about first. Kindness, compassion, responsibility, confidence/humour… As far as physical attraction, while I quite enjoy fondling the nutsack, I can’t imagine that it would make any difference at all whether there were one or two in there, sort of like whether he had five freckles or six on his back. It’s just not relevant.

  94. I’ve never met a guy who looked just like his on-line photo, but I don’t think it was because they were trying to deceive, it’s just that people in real life tend to look different from the photos taken of them. People who’ve met on-line should keep in mind before meeting in person that they’ll probably look different from what they’re expecting but not feel guilty for not continuing to date someone they find unattractive.

  95. @91, of course individual circumstances vary, but it remains true that lesbian sex is significantly safer than sex with men. Yes, any woman can get cervical HPV and die of cancer (as men get it anally and die of anal cancer), but, lesbian sex is much less efficient at transmission and most of their risk is due to the men they may have slept with AND paps are quite effective. Saying lesbian sex is the safest does not mean they should share dildos with all of san francisco or that they should forgo paps. Educate us on ass to vaginal infections, please (no one sucks dildo, much less after ass use): what dire consequences? Women get UTI’s all the time with poop bacteria, which passes through the vag on the way without causing local disease, and I’ve had patients with colovaginal fistulas who shat through their vag for years without (vaginal health) consequences.

    @93, yes, HIV is blood borne and women menstruate, but its also vaginal fluid borne and vaginal fluid is pretty much a given. Women could pass HIV, hep B, syphilis, conceivably hep C thru toy sharing (don’t do it) or even oral sex, but the risk is much reduced because of the lower STI prevalence in other lesbians and reduced efficiency–men give an hiv injection, there’s a lot less hiv around on even a shared dildo or in a vagina and its not deposited as well, hence the lower transmission rate female to male.

  97. I once recycled an ex who had had a testicle removed since we were together. I was curious and intrigued to see how different it would look, and lo and behold I could barely tell. The only downside I could see was that he was less likely to be able to get a girl pregnant with half the sperm, so had we gotten back together seriously that could have become an issue, but that’s a straight problem. I can’t imagine a gay man being bothered by it. Everyone’s their own worst critic.

  99. 1. “Breaking up with her will break her heart into pieces.”

    Christ on a Crutch, ESOC, get over your conceited self. You are not her only reason for living; she only met you last week. Pretty soon, she’ll find another goob who wouldn’t insist on meeting sooner.

    2. Balls v Breasts

    Christ on a Crane, kids. America objectifies boobs more than it worships money and Mustang convertibles. Of course it’s harder to lose a breast than it is to lose a ball.

  100. @95, Yonush18,
    My partner frequently sucks dildo. If people engage in unprotected analingus, what make you think they don’t suck dildos after using them for anal penetration?

    What can occur from ingesting fecal matter? All kinds of fun things, like emptying your stomach at an alarming rate in two directions at once. Yuck.

  101. I actually slept with 2 guys that only had one ball. It didn’t effect anything for me, so I didn’t care. Well, they were easier to put in my mouth lol!

  102. I like balls. I really like balls. I could go on, but you don’t need or want details.

    I would find a guy with only one a little off putting, truthfully, but if he had a cute smile and a nice sense of humor and I would get over it soon enough.

  103. …in regard to the lesbian sex letter… the writer specifically states finger fucking and pussy eating… since when are ANY finger fucking and pussy eating people being super vigilant about finger or dental dams…and since when would Dan respond so incredibly harshly if someone brought up the question in general…

    Indeed what would the response be to a het who is wondering if they can get away without said dental or finger dams… would there be any mention of ‘fucked in the headness’? I am sorry… I just think there was something ‘fucked’ about Dan’s response.

    I would love to know how many people who don’t sleep with half their community members use dental or finger dams?

    I don’t. That’s one for the don’t users… (my rate of sleeping with others is about three different people a year when not committed)

  104. I have been advised that some people like to lick used dildos. Does anyone like to lick shit off of dildos, however? When I read, “If people engage in unprotected analingus, what make you think they don’t suck dildos after using them for anal penetration?” my response is that the reason people suck ass is because their partners like it, and its a sexual part of the person they’re attaracted to, whereas I would be interested in a poopy dildo like I’d want to beg them to let me munch on used toilet paper (that is, not at all). That said, lesbians can suck ass, they may suck assy dildo, and yeah you can get fecal-oral infections that way (dur). I have met two people with infectious diarrhea from fecal oral sex, and I’ve had infectious diarrhea a bunch of times NOT from fecal oral sex (it only take a tiny amount, just ask anyone with E Coli or others from veggies, meats, dairy, or hell, a doorknob and almost all acute diarrhea is infectious). In the scheme of things, its not a big deal. Hep A can be–get vaccinated; I am. But diarrhea has to come from somewhere, and lesbians in a stable relationship can’t “make” pathogens, and lesbians who aren’t sleeping (and ass eating) with tons of people can’t easily get pathogens that only linger for a week or two at most in the bowel. Hence, no hordes of poisoned lesbians in our ERs, just like I’ve never suffered from my cookie dough consumption. It remains not perfectly, but much safer, than sex with men. Which is why every patient with an STD I’ve seen has been a female who had sex with men (HPV, PID asymptomatic chlamydia, herpes (relatively easy to get from oral tho)) or a guy with multiple sex partners, or especially guys who slept with guys. Admittedly there are far fewer lesbians, but I can’t recall seeing a lesbian STD in the last 11 years.

  105. Haha, in previous comment, substitute “anal-oral sex” for “fecal-oral sex;” the route is “fecal-oral,” and one of those two patients was a very open HIV+ dude whom my medical student asked if he had “fecal oral sex.” Patient laughed his ass off and said, no, he just rimmed a lot of people.

  106. #97, take it from my personal experience that having one testicle has little if any effect on fertility. The only concern I had was with sports injuries or mumps. Once one nut is gone, you need to protect what’s left if you want to have kids.

  107. I will say, as a lesbian who has had abnormal paps, health care providers are much less concerned when they find out I only sleep with women. There is little to no research done on disease risks and rates for lesbians and doctors/NPs rarely have read the research that’s out there. It is partly the lesbian community’s job to educate our health care providers, but we cannot be expected to know everything, otherwise why do we trust our doctors?

  112. Nobody gets a yeast infection in their mouth “from eating a girl out,” but someone in deep, deep denial about having the HIVvy could have a fungal infection in his mouth. An uncircumsized man and a woman can keep a yeast infection going between them in the right circumstances, but you have to be pretty immunocompromised before you get yeast in your mouth.

  113. Angry fat chick here, proud to be one (I’m also sexy, sexual, lovable, and ass-kickingly successful at my job) and checking in bc posters 25 and 85 so thoughtfully provided a link to a pretty damn insulting site that uses some extreme photo pairings (she looks hot; oh no, she’s a PIG) to make its specious argument that women are liars, that they lie about their looks, and that if they’ll lie about their looks, *what* *else* will they lie about several months into the relationship, by which time you poor defenseless non-lookist hetero men will be terribly terriby scarred by a breakup.

    Howsabout a little intelligent and truthful deconstruction?

    1. With the exception of the woman in the first/second shots, the women being mocked for being fatties (“your bigger-than-expected dinner bill”) aren’t carrying much weight. Unless, of course, you’re looking at them thru a lens distorted/polluted by this toxic culture and thus think that any woman larger than a size 2 is an oinker. (Interestingly, the 1st woman appears in a short skirt and skimpy top; could it be that she — GASP — feels good about herself even tho society has expressly forbidden that???!!!?)

    2. Most of the “undelicious dose of reality” photos are as skewed as the flattering ones: Most of them are lighted badly, with unrelenting brightness that makes everyone a fat face, or with weirdly placed shadows that distort any subject’s looks; some were taken at angles that make everyone a fish face; at least one of the women was snapped as her eyes were closing so only the ghoulish whites show.
    No one is immune from being the subject of a bad photo, and these “reality” shots prove it -– they’re no “realer” than the “unreal pretty” shots that the angry lookist hetero men are so steamed up about.

    3. The unrelenting “fat chick” putdowns are staggering to me; I don’t remember anything of this magnitude, anything this aggressively HATE-filled, when I was growing up, in the 70s-80s. Worst of all, women who aren’t even fat but are curvy — who LOOK LIKE WOMEN — are getting slammed with snide remarks about how fat they are (that wasn’t her brother standing next to her, it was her last meal! if you take her out, your dinner bill is going to be huge! She‘s so big she attends Moo U.!). Hateful, hateful, HATEFUL. (Oh, by the way, a gun-toting man fueled by his hatred of women recently shot up a gym [irony upon irony] full of — you guessed it! — women and killed three strangers, and that wasn’t the first time that some woman-hating lunatic has done such a thing, and don’t even get me *started* on the 42% of murdered women who are killed by their “loving partners” — but we as a society have NOTHING to worry about when it comes to the immense man-hatred of women that this culture promulgates, and yes, “hatred” does include stuff like the hateful things that men feel perfectly comfortable saying to/about women, such as all those lovely “She’s a cow!” put-downs.

    4. In our culture, there is an absolute, unmistakable, and utterly hate-filled correlation between women’s increased independence/power and society’s insistence that women disappear themselves, either by dieting until they’re little more than wraiths (maybe that’s why Mr. Angry Woman-Hating Lookist [31] got all brain-mushed about wrath/wraith) or by obsessing so much about how they look that they never feel at peace — and have little or no energy to fix the actual ills of this world.

    5. All you hetero guys out there who really like tits, here’s a li’l tidbit for you: BREASTS ARE COMPOSED LARGELY OF FATTY TISSUE, SO WHEN WOMEN PUSH THEMSELVES TO BE A FRAT-BOY-APPROVED SIZE 2, THOSE TITS GO BYE-BYE.
    Don’t believe me? Google some images of Keira Knightly, Kate Moss, Calista Flockhart. No tits for the anorexic! Then Google the lovely-and-atypically-slim-but-not-scary-skinny Eva Langoria and Kylie Minogue: small-breasted, in keeping with their low-fat frames. Then Google up some images of Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell in their “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” days — breasts, yes, and also hips, asses, thighs, lovely feminine rounded (not FAT) upper arms. You want the tits? You get a general roundness everywhere. Which men for centuries enjoyed.

    6. Women’s bodies are — uh, d-uh– very different from men’s in some crucial ways, not the least of which is fat storage: Women need a certain amt of body fat to carry healthy babies to term and then to manufacture milk to feed said kids; bc Nature didn’t think it would be useful for this mechanism to toggle on and off, women weren’t given a nifty wifi-card-type thingy to be popped out when fat production is less crucial. Our bodies make and store more fat than yours because of that whole “giver of life thing.” Which you can’t do.

    7. Looks sure as hell do matter — they matter to all of us. But that’s “looks” plural, not “the look” singular. Most women are trained to have very broad definitions of “attractive” (for ex., I have a thing for actor Sam Lloyd; bald and amply schnozzed, he ain’t never going to be on People’s “Most Beautiful” list — and, that doesn’t make him any less hot); most men are given a narrow def., and — even more disheartening — they don’t bother to question their faulty belief system when they’re old enough to perceive that human faces and forms vary tremendously. Tulips, lilies, roses, peonies, irises, daffodils, etc. — all different, all beautiful, all worth having.

    8. Yes, the words and pictures that constitute a person’s online self should truthfully represent who that person is. And, until the day when everybody turns off the inanity-spewing TV, uses the intertubes in non-hateful ways (that link, with all of its slam-the-size-12-women garbage, is hate speech), and basically decides to grow up, people are going to cling to the old and bullshitty ways: Women online will pretend to be thin, and men online will pretend to be 5-10 years younger than they are/will pretend to be earning upwards of $250K.

    C’mon. All of this is exhausting. Let’s just open our minds already.

  114. The best piece of advice I’ve ever read about dating applies perfectly to EPOC’s situation. When on a date watch how the other person treats the waiter, because that’s the treatment you can expect to get in the future. And that’s why online dating can be so misleading; you never get to see the your online lover interacting with other people. Most of us can be charming and witty when given the extra time to compose an email or even a text message. It’s how you react when the waiter spills the soup in your lap that shows the real you.

  115. @ angry fat chick: It’s one thing to be fat and proud, it’s another to false advertise. It’s not fair to anyone to give people an impression of someone who you are not and any amount of brains in the world can figure that out, not to mention the fact that if you are fat out and proud, what incentive to you have to post inaccurate photos?

    @ 95 Thanks for making my stomach turn. I am going to remain on the side of Dan in that ANY sexual act has inherent risks and all parties involved should take reasonable precautions. For instance, lesbians do fuck men and men are *as everyone seems to be hung up on* carriers of diseases…

  116. Angry fat chick @113, as much as I’d like to blame the shadowy beauty-care cartel conspiracy for shaping common male expectations of women, it is, according to the Our Bodies, Ourselves team a natural side effect of the gradual blending of gender roles in society, hence we want our heroes to look more masculine (i.e. like Arnold Schwarzenegger NSFW) and our heroines to look like Barbie, as we search for places on which to project our dwindling gender identity. The side effects of this, which have included trends of eight-year-old boys taking anabolic steroids to beef up as well as eight year old anorexic girls, has been the cause of some alarm. Fortunately, we’re slowly developing an awareness of the problem, hence some shows are presenting persons of more realistic proportions. Not many, yet, though.

    I always felt like putting out-of-date or modified pictures up online was not unlike the ’70s college film idea of stuffing a sock in my pants; at what point does one own up to the deception? I’m actually so hyperaware of it that I’ve date-stamped the pics I’ve sent, and have even recently updated my avatar (yes, the one I use here) to be more current.

    What I cannot change, however, is that my personality is noticeably different when I communicate online (say, by email or on a forum) which is more cerebral than who I am in person, which contrasts to the nervous wreck I become on telephone. But this isn’t because I put on airs, so much as that different aspects of me emerge according to the modus communicatti.

    Justice @91, there are vaccines for all the known cancer causing strains of HPV, though I think only women can benefit from them. I advise all who have access to it to get one.

    There’s also a HSV vaccine out there, also women only, but I don’t know much about it, or why it’s not available around here yet.

  117. Dan,
    Your even-handed and pragmatic, and often hilarious advice is such a great beacon of sanity in this f’d up world. Thanks, and don’t stop what you are doing. Bravo, man.

  119. I’m a gay man who’s had 1 ball since birth, and none of the men I’ve been with in the past, or my present boyfriend have complained or said anything negative. If anything, it adds to the post-sex conversation.

  120. You know…on ESOC….it occurs to me that if she had been HOT, he would have very much have wanted to continue a relationship or be “tied down” even though he was in college. He didn’t decide he didn’t want to be tied down until he was disappointed in her appearance. Was she wrong? yep. Was he an ass? Yep..on several accounts. For not being honest up front and for sleeping with her anyway. Guaranteed he calls her his girlfriend because he’s been telling everyone his gf is this hot chick…and now that he doesn’t think she’s so hot, he’s embarrassed.

  121. I never knew so many people who read the stranger have only 1 ball. If I stuck my hands into a consenting womans’ pants and she only had 1 ball, I’d go through with it.

  123. I’m bi, and absolutely not embarrassed by it. In fact most guys are either indifferent or thrilled and my other friends would have no problem with it. I don’t bring it up early in relationships though, unless a convenient topic comes up. I guess if I had ads up I could use a conversation about the dating site as a segway. Since I have not used a dating site the usual way I broach the topic is ‘Oh your into threesomes? I’m game!’or ‘I’m attracted to guys who … AND girls who …’ or ‘My sexual history, well …’ It’s kinda a non-sequitur otherwise. I think if I dated a girl I’d bring it up really early as in ‘you know, I have only had relationships with men before’ since I think that would be really relevant info.

  125. Dan – please, I would love to know… who out there is using finger dams or dental dams?

    Would you put a little effort into figuring this out?

  126. No comments on the reply to What Should I Do? It was the hottest “real-life” thing I’ve read in years. Do such people really exist?

  128. In response to HalfTheMan… SO I had a hot guy I picked up online.. invited him over to my place… got naked and was having a lot of fun… I was blowing him, fondling, licking, and then I realized his nutsack was “not fully packed”.. noted it and went on with my business… didn’t matter.. till he started in with the “Suck my nut.. oh yeah wrap your lips around that ball.. ” … I had to stop so I wouldn’t laugh… not only was it cheesy.. the specificity of it made the situation weird.

    If you’re going to do that, then a little warning is in place cause if you’ve fetishized your last ball … you partner needs to know it’s a big thing for you.

    Otherwise, it’s not a big issue … or it shouldn’t be with guys who aren’t mentally 12.

  129. #126 :: there are tons of people like that. polyamory is pretty wide based. the communication has to be there between partners, but once an agreement is made and everybody knows of the rules, then its a hell of an experience.

    i think his advice on WSID was spot on…actually, on all of them. especially the ‘what your right hand does for you’ comment.

  130. R.E. HALF THE MAN? Im proud of my one nut story and lucky to be alive. @ 8 years ago i had a nutsack vasectomy, at the advice of my now ex wife (heartless mole).Ever since the op i had serious pains and every time i ej’d i had a severe dull ache for @ 10 seconds which wasn’t good for sex. I was and am still a fulltime bobcat general hire operator. Anyway i ignored the daily pain and ignored the gradual swelling of my left nut. Years went by, the denial went on and the pain came and went but constant ache after sex. The work was constant, bobbing around in a digger (mind you it made me a top operator constantly improving my style to reduce the pain). @ 2 years ago i scored a job offshore drilling on a semi submersible rig for TRANSOCEAN in the TIMOR SEA North west shelf, Western Australia. I lied my way thru the medical with my now very swollen nut, but still in denial thinking it may just be like a big pimple and burst then go away. Anyway i was workn on the drill floor tackling treble stands of pipe and swinging chains etc. The pain was fucken intense so i lied my way into the engine room as a motorman by saying that i knew my shit with diesel engines. Less hard labor more thinking, assy fucker when i have to be. Got my head @ the G.M. E.M.D.’s and all the other shit was basic stuff. Had an accident on board and broke my foot-Compo for 14 weeks. Frequented my local doctor with my foot (lovely lady Miss Buchann). The rig wanted me back, i needed a compo release and got Doc to give it to me. I had a 1 week wait. I woke up 1 morning and could not walk. It had gotten the better of me and i could lie to myself no longer. Went to Doc and she almost punched me in the head when she saw it, screaming at me ” you fucken idiot” She got me sorted at the hossy, 4 days later i was down a nut. Tests showed i had a 5cm tumor inside my nut (no shit). The doc said it would have been 2 weeks to a month before it burst then i would have been fucked totally. Last year was a very bad year. Lost my nut, my wife ditched me thank fuck! (self serving asshole), lost/gave her the house, worst of all lost my dog to her. Moved my shit out to a mates house-totally fucked after some chemo sessions and bad living, gettn ready to die but making the most of the last of my life partying and getting wasted on various vices. I was 75kgs when i stepped off the rig. I was 61kgs when i moved into my mates place. Another girl had moved into my mates place 2 days earlier (relationship breakup). We hit it off big time. She nursed me back to health, fed me, rubbed me, fucked me, and vitamined me. Turns out she was an ex onchology nurse and knew her shit. it went from bad to the best. super hot and sexy, tight bod, very intelligent and very fun. Losing a nut doesn’t make you half a man, unless you are half a man to begin with. Men don’t be in denial, go to a female doc n pull down those pants. My cock works fine but you don’t need a cock if you are 6 foot under. Its a hard core story but i was a dumb fuck for letting it get that bad. Life is great now and me and EM are 2 peas in a pod loving life. I LOVE YOU EMMA XXX. THE END.

  131. More on my left nut-Yes i was offered a prosthetic nut-i declined. My sac is fine, a bit saggy but normal. Had some phantom pains for a while, also had to readjust my walking stance as i had been limping for so long. Put on the weight again and all clear from docs. For you males out there it was removed via a tunnel through the upper groin, not just out the side of the sack. I have heard some horror stories regarding nerve endings and intense lifelong pain, but i think technology and the private medical system over here (Australia)has advanced to a top level providing a thorough service but there is room for more improvement and not many people can afford private insurance which may lower the standards a bit. I here the medical system in the USA is a FUCKEN JOKE, correct me if im wrong please.

  132. Half the Man: I’m a straight girl, so not exactly an authority. But I felt like sharing, anyway…

    My ex had only one, and granted…I couldn’t have cared less: he was gorgeous, and I was smitten. I wouldn’t have minded him having one of anything we’re generally born with two of.

    But here’s the bit that *might* be useful(?) When we first got together, I couldn’t help but be curious…So he told me I could have ‘the Story, now’ or ‘the Truth, in 3 months.’ (Delivered with a wicked grin, and not an ounce of self-consciousness.) It didn’t affect me either way, so I went with the more amusing option: wait for it.

    In three months (okay, it was more like 3 weeks), not only did I get the Truth (motorbike, mountain road), but the Stories, as well…which were hilarious. Less patient lovers had been forced to accept incompetent sherpas, surfing disasters…one poor girl was forced to entertain the idea of him rescuing a small child from a mountain lion. (Bet she wished she’d gone for Door Number Two:)

    It doesn’t have to be something you have to worry about. It can actually be a PLUS – after all, it doesn’t affect your – erm – workings – at all, right?

    So why not reward the genuine with the Truth (cancer), and the shallow with the Story (the more ridiculous, the better)? If you like them enough to see them again, you can choose to give them the Truth if you feel merciful. And if not, well…

    F*ck em if they can’t take a joke;)

  133. To the testicular cancer survivor: while I cannot speak for the gay community, when I lived in ALaska, I dated two guys IN A ROW that only had one testicle. (what the hell were the odds of that??) One was a cancer survivor like yourself, and the other guy had something dropped on him during a military training accident and lost his testicle. (eeeouch) I knew before hand….one told me when we first started talking, and one told me later. My only question was “are you ok now?” Both were fine. It didn’t matter at all – on one guy, you could tell (he lost testicle and sac on that side) and on the other guy, you couldn’t until you started playing with it. Really, it didn’t matter AT ALL – they were still themselves, and attracted me. So. don’t judge yourself by the nut you lost…think of your remaining testicle as a Navy Seal, just the man for the job. 😉

  134. Rocket Man, I’ve got to say that your comment about fat chicks is clearly from a guy’s perspective. From a woman’s, it’s the dudes whose photos show a healthy head of hair, and then when you meet them, there’s nothing there! I’ve had that happen – it didn’t matter, as I think they wore the bald well, but c’mon, like I wouldn’t notice? Everybody – short, fat, bald, skinny, hairy as hell – want to find somebody. I agree though, that huge misreps are gonna get you dumped and disappointed, as well as disappointing the one you mislead. So, be honest! My worst one? A guy told me he was “working on his Masters.” I asked in what…then he said, well, I gotta finish my undergrad…In what? uh, I have to START my undergrad….I told you “you need your GED before your PhD!” and cut the liar loose. 🙂

  135. @ 75, I think you had the best approach with the “left nut” joke. I think he should just say “I saw you in the [bar, book store, etc.] and thought to myself that I’d give a left nut to fuck a hot guy like you – and well, here we are!”

  138. I had phone sex with the same guy for 5 years but neither of us was deluded enough to think we actually KNEW each other. It was just bizarre fun, till I got in a LTR, and he moved in. Kids these days growing up with online “relationships”, it makes me worry people will lose the ability to actually relate to real people.

    Oh yeah and what’s up with the insecurity about dicks and balls? If you have the parts you want and they work, STFU. Some of us aren’t that lucky.

  140. @ 71 what’s wrong with sex on a first date? You get to know the bedroom prowess from the get go. I consider it being a concerned consumer ;P If you use safe-sex methods such as condoms or birth control, you are likely to be safe. Granted, not as safe as if you were in a looooooong term monogamous relationship, but that situation is not necessarily possible or ideal for a lotta us ‘hos. Part of the greatness of sex is its spontaneity! 😀

  141. @ 16 and 17: BINGO! on both! It’s that old chestnut of “I don’t want a relationship” but then you see ’em with someone else the very next day, week or month later. He even described her as “his girlfriend” and was committed from the sounds of his letter yet when he met her, she didn’t cut the mustard but she was just attractive enough for a fuck. This creep doesn’t give a fig about breaking her heart. That guy’s letter should have gone into fill B1N because the whole thing was a non-issue as far as him needing any “advice.”
    If she was so unattractive and didn’t match her photos then it is curious that she was attractive enough for him to fuck.
    WTF is up with Dan laying into her for posting old photos. She was probably just insecure AND she did what, probably 90% of those who go onto those sites do: portray themselves in their best light.
    She didn’t do anything wrong but he for sure as hell did! At least Dan acknowledged that it was a shitty thing to fuck her.
    Liar, liar, liar and more liar.

  142. @ 18 – Way to miss the Big Picture! It isn’t a big deal that folks don’t want to be with another for whatever reason but for crying out loud, at least own your dealings with others.
    Or, are you too, one of those people who’ll take, take, take from others and then make up some dull excuse as to “why” even though you were just calling another your “girlfriend” you can’t be with them but you can fuck them.
    Pretty flimsy. If you don’t want to be with someone, then that is jim dandy but why fuck them after weeks of giving them the impression that you were into them?
    Once again: BIG PICTURE

  144. I would seriously consider the prosthetic nut if it had been offered to me when we scheduled my surgery. I was a little shocked when it was finally decided to yank it out so I didn’t ask about one (besides, the only prosthetic I knew about was marketed for use in animals
    *************************************************
    Why in hell would a sheep, pig, dog etc..
    need a fake ball?

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