I met my girlfriend about
three months ago on a social-networking website. The pictures made her
look attractive and in shape. We texted each other nonstop for the
first three months. This past weekend we met, and she didn’t look
anything like her pictures. However, we did still have sex twice. I’m
about to start my freshman year in college, and I do not want to be
tied down going into school. Breaking up with her will break her heart
into pieces. I have no clue what I should do.
Epic State Of Confusion
You didn’t meet your girlfriend three
months ago, ESOC, you met this girl last weekend. And if she
expects a lifetime commitment after posting misleading photos and
exchanging text messages and a single weekend of sex, she isn’t just
asking to have her heart broken, her heart needs breaking. So
you’ll have to break it for her, ESOC, unless you’re prepared to be
with this woman for the next six or seven decades.
She’ll conclude that the breakup has
something to do with her looks, of course, and that fact will make your
rejection hurt all the worse. Good. She set herself up for rejection
when she posted misleading photographs on that social-networking
website and forged an emotional connection with you under what amounts
to false pretenses. Your rejection may convince her to post
more-representative photos—honest photos—in the future.
Anyone looking for sex partners online is
free, of course, to post misleading photos of mysterious provenance.
But those who do this have no one to blame for their hurt feelings but
themselves. If I may paraphrase the caption under a famous New
Yorker cartoon: On the internet, no one knows—or has to
know—that you’re a dog. But when chatting becomes cyberdating,
when romance may be in the offing, and a face-to-face meeting becomes
inevitable, an exchange of better photos—or at least
more-representative photos—is simple common sense and common
courtesy.
And here’s where you went wrong, ESOC: You
fucked this girl. She naturally interpreted your willingness to fuck
her as a sign that you didn’t care about the discrepancy between her
photos and her actual appearance. It’s going to make the rejection she
has coming more devastating than it needed to be.
I’m a gay male in my late 20s
and a survivor of testicular cancer. I count myself lucky, but I’m
still down a testicle. I’m also coming out of a five-year relationship.
I’m now concerned about how much a set of balls counts in the gay
community. I am not getting one of those ridiculous ball implants. I
just want to make sure I don’t freak out any of my future partners.
However, discussing cancer during a first date or in dance clubs seems
to be sort of a turnoff. Tips?
Half The Man I Used To Be
Since having one ball isn’t going to place
your sex partners at any risk of anything or hamper your sexual
performance in any way, I don’t think you’re obligated to disclose
until you get home from the movie or the club and you’re rolling around
on the couch and making out. When hands start reaching for zippers, say
something like this: “Just so you know, I’ve only got one ball. Long
story, and I’ll tell you all about it later. And I only have one dick,
too—but you only have one throat, so we’ll find a way to make
this work.”
There may be a handful of gay guys out there
who won’t want to date a guy with one ball, and they’ll make their
excuses and refrain from seeing you again. But so long as you’re not an
insecure, tormented bag of slop always bemoaning his half-empty sack,
it shouldn’t interfere with your love life.
A wonderful guy I’ve known
since grade school zoomed in and became my lover after a devastating
divorce. He’s a tiger in bed, sweet and respectful, and an overall
terrific guy. The problem? I’ve always been considered a “knockout,”
while my lover is “different” looking. I love him even more for it. But
what do I say to assholes who ask questions like “What are you doing
with him?” It’s usually one of his “friends”—and they’ll say it
right in front of him.
My Boyfriend’s Not A Loser
“What am I doing with him? I’m doing all I
can to keep his nuts drained—basically, I’m doing for him what
your right hand does for you.”
I have been with my girlfriend
for nearly four years now. We are both 23. We are in love, but I want
to have sex with other people—with girls and with guys. I was a
virgin when I met her, but she had been with a few other guys. I have
brought up threesomes, and she seems fine with the idea and talking
about it turns her on. But she also says she doesn’t want me to have
sex with any other girls, only her, but a guy would be fine.
What Should I Do?
Find a guy you wanna fuck, WSID, check in
with the girlfriend, have a conversation about health and safety and
primacy (she’ll always come first), and ask if she wants to have an MFM
threesome. Then go fuck the guy. If you fuck the guy alone, check in
with the girlfriend before and after. If you fuck him together—if
you have that threesome—check in with the girlfriend before,
during, and after.
Then once you’ve shown the girlfriend that
you’re capable of sleeping with other people without being
irresponsible, unsafe, or insensitive, WSID, she
might—might—give you the okay to fuck another girl
sometime. The odds are even better if she fucks another guy with or in
front of you and realizes that, just as she had sex with another man
without feeling any less attracted or attached to you, you could have
sex with another woman without feeling any less attracted or attached
to her.
So a friend of mine and I have
been having a debate. She’s a lesbian, and she’s certain that there is
no possible way that she could ever contract a sexually transmitted
infection. Her logic is that fingerfucking and eating pussy are safe in
every way. But I remember taking a class on human sexuality where our
professor showed us pictures of people who contracted STIs in odd ways.
We saw a picture of a guy who had a yeast infection on his tongue from
eating a girl out (it kind of looked like cottage cheese was growing on
his tongue), and I won’t describe the picture of the guy who had
gonorrhea in his eye.
Is it possible for a lesbian to get an STI?
Or were those photos faked just to scare us?
Verification Desired
Yes, lesbians can contract STIs—from
each other, from the men some lesbian-identified women insist on
fucking, from lesbians who’ve slept with men. Skin-to-skin
contact—grinding pussies, fingerfucking—can transmit HPV,
for instance, and herpes and razor burn. Eating pussy is also a pretty
effective transmission route for herpes and HPV and gonorrhea and
syphilis and chlamydia and on and on. And if brain cancer were a
sexually transmitted infection, VD, your seriously fucked-in-the-head
friend would definitely be at risk.
I’m guessing the lack of chemistry between ESOC and this girl isn’t all down to her not looking like her picture. I also wouldn’t be surprised if most people NOT looking to fuck her would say that the pictures did look like her. But the thing about online hookups is that it’s easy to become infatuated with someone you haven’t met and to fill in the blanks left by a blurry picture with your own personal fantasy. The fact that he went ahead and fucked this girl makes me think he was trying to “force it” when he discovered she didn’t fit the fantasy and is blaming the discrepancy between her photo and reality because he’s young and dumb and doesn’t know any better way to identify his feelings.
Dan, can you please write and publish some erotica? Please? I almost creamed my jeans reading the script you provided for HTMIUTB
Why assume this girl misrepresented herself? No one puts a “bad” photo online, but maybe this dude read more into that photo. Maybe he’s a shallow tool. Maybe another person would have thought the pic was accurate IF they had a real connection once they met. Chemistry’s a bitch.
The first letter is a great example of why, when you meet someone interesting online, you should try to meet them in real life sooner rather than later. Three months is “later”.
As a couple of people have mentioned, physical chemistry in person isn’t guaranteed, even if the pictures are totally accurate. The biggest mistake people make in online relationships is falling in love with someone’s letters/texts/IMs before meeting in person. The longer that goes on, the more impossible it is to live up to. Three months is just retarded (but then, so are 18 year olds).
Talk online only as long as it takes to make sure the person isn’t a psycho (more than an hour, less than a week), and never get sucked into declarations of everlasting love (or even that you’re “dating”) sight unseen. Keep everything as casual as possible until you actually see how you sync up in person.
You should only be making a quick check to see if you’d like to meet this person in real life, not waiting to make sure they’re your absolute soul mate before you finally get to consummate your love on your very first meeting. Or some shit like that.
Why would she interpret his willingness to fuck her as anything other than just that? He’d probably fuck her again if she was OK with not getting anything else.
Lesbians who think they’re immune to STDs burn me up. Especially the loathsome idea that “where there’s an infection there’s been a man.” That is some Valerie Solanas-level bullshit.
I dated a guy once who had recently had a ball removed and while I was fine with it he was two freaked out to have sex with me and it was way before I started using misleading photos on gay.com…gosh it was way before the internet come to think of it.
I had one of my testicles removed when I was very young, because it never descended and the doctors weren’t able to move it through the canal to the scrotum. Unfortunately someone in my class found out about it around 6th grade and kids being kids, I was teased pretty harshly for it and my social life up through high school suffered a lot.
Once I was able to get away to college and figure out who I really was and meet people who knew nothing about me, things got much easier. I can tell you now I’ve had partners that never even noticed I only had one testicle, and none have ever admitted being weirded out or turned off by it. A tiny minority of gay guys might care and absolutely no girls will.
I’d bet once the action starts happening, no partner is going to bolt. Sure there can be a weird stigma when people discuss it (see Lance Armstrong) but when it comes down to performance, you only need one piston to fill the cylinder.
These questions were so basic and easy. Why would anyone bother to write these in?
Better yet, why did Dan answer these easy no-brainer questions?
i get that you still want to get laid, but don’t make insinuations of a relationship with someone if that is not your plan.
I love your answer to “My Boyfriend’s Not A Loser”. I will teach my wife to say the same 🙂
Oh for heaven’s sake. If you want to dump the stupid lying bitch then dump the stupid lying bitch, you’ll have dumped her and won’t even have to deal with her goddamn emotional baggage, it’s ridiculous and stupid to carry it on just so that she can feel better, you’re uselessly delaying the inevitable. Fuck her emotions, you don’t want to see her again so you may as well tell her.
Avoiding an inevitable dumping to spare someone’s feelings is a very, very bad idea. It was a terrible mistake I made.
I did a guy with no balls a couple of times. Having no balls made the penis look huge. I didn’t care about the missing balls and never mentioned, but I wished he had.
Where they—balls—there and I didn’t see them? Did they ever drop? Did he have them removed? I’ll never know.
lasalvage–he was missing BOTH balls?? I don’t think so! Were you fucking him in the snow, maybe? Or maybe his penis was so huge it was hiding his balls? I guarantee they were there, you just didn’t see them.
Make that, I guarantee at least ONE was there.
For one-nut EPOC : If you care to adopt a wicked sense of humor, don’t mention the missing testicle. Then when a lover mentions it, act startled and say “What? Where did it go?”
I met my husband online – and I made sure to post representative photos of myself – NOT the ones in which I looked FANTASTIC, because that’s just not a realistic depiction. Yeah, clearly sometimes I look that great – but not usually! The *last* thing I ever wanted to see when meeting a man in person that I’d first met online – was disappointment on his face when I walked in the room.
That said, this kid really shouldn’t have slept with the girl that he thought would be a hottie and turned out to be a nottie. But he did. And that sucks. But in the end, it’s a good learning experience for her – lord knows I learned it – that lots of people out there will be unscrupulous to get laid. So hopefully she’ll be a little more savvy next time and be better able to weed out some of the unscrupulous ones. But our guy will be doing her a favor if he TELLS her (and easy does it on that one) that her photos were a little misleading. It might keep her from getting disappointment – or worse, more of the same – next time.
Dan (and others) are absolutely right that lesbians can get STIs from each other. However, before you insult lesbians who think they can’t, consider this: I am a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. I have been told BY DOCTORS that I do not need pap smears or STI testing because I only have sex with women. While I recognize this as extremely bad (even dangerous) advice, others who trust their doctors to give sound medical advice may actually believe their doctors. And doctors SHOULD be trusted to give sound medical advice, even to lesbians! So until all doctors are actually educated about the risk of STIs to lesbians and other finger-fuckers or carpet-munchers, we should be insulting or complaining about DOCTORS, not the women who listen to them.
Seems like a bias in the responses to the ESOC, that GUY did something wrong by fucking GAL, as if it was all up to him. I suspect if the genders were reversed, the responses would be quite different. Sounds to me that two young and socially inexperienced people chatted online then fucked on the first date. Both willing, albeit possibly stupid, first for putting so much effort into an online “relationship” at their age and stage in life, second for considering that texting constituted a relationship, and third for having sex on a first date.
Then again, they are young, they had sex (hopefully with protection), they have regrets. Welcome to life. That’s what being young and inexperienced is about.
Gay guy here, had T.C. also and had one of the “boys” removed. I got the prosthesis which makes me look normal in the shower, gym, etc., but you can tell it’s not the real thing because it’s not as soft. For awhile, I was insecure about it and wore a cock ring because then you couldn’t tell the difference, but finally just reached the point where I figured if someone was going to reject me for something so stupid they weren’t worth my time anyway. Long story short, have been happily with the same guy for 10 years now and it’s never been an issue.
I had T.C. and lost one of the “boys”. I was really psychologically devastated about it, so I got the prosthetic and look normal in the shower, gym, etc. though it definitely feels different and you can tell it’s not real. For awhile, I wore a cock ring for sex because then no one could tell, but finally just dealt with it. Long story short, have been with my partner of 10 years who could care less so it’s all good.
My boyfriend and I met online, and had a face-to-face after 5 weeks of emails, chatting and nightly phone calls. The time between meeting online and in person meant that we had the chance to really talk about interesting and personal things, and to trust one another. You can tell by the way people talk about certain subjects if they are lying or not, and we both went with our instincts.
As for pictures, our situation worked in the reverse of most; I sent him two or three current ones, which he liked right off, and I somehow thought that the photos he sent of himself didn’t do him justice (as it turns out, he doesn’t usually photograph well). And I was right. We had a romantic and sex-filled first weekend together, and that was 5 1/2 years ago.
Moral of the story for EPOC and the girl? Be honest, post current and natural photos (don’t go to GlamourShots or a makeup artist first, for god’s sake), don’t “name” the relationship until you’ve at least met once…and if a first meet doesn’t create any sparks, don’t be afraid to cut your losses and say, “Sorry, I guess I’m not that interested.”
I loved your advice about the missing testicle. I’ve dated two such men and it was not a big deal at all – but I worried for them if their remaining testicles were at risk. You know the expression “I’d give my left nut if…” Such guys could joke that they DID get that wish and leave it at that.
Scott
San Francisco
Whoa! Dan is full of snappy comebacks today! Good work my friend!
To HTMIUTB, prostheses have come a long way since they used to use sterilized ping-pong balls. A “ridiculous ball implant” is nothing compared to ridiculous cancer. I imagine that as you move through life, you’ll make your peace with your new lighter load; but if not, do consider a state-of-the-art implant.
15: I think that’s incorrect. Lesbians are MORE at risk because they don’t think of themselves as “at risk”. They can’t get pregnant, they don’t have big AIDS-style scares, and dental dam/finger-condom use isn’t as well advertised as normal-condoms. While penetrative sex might be higher risk, I think lesbians put themselves at high-risk when they are told that their sexual style is “safer”.
I was with a guy who’s balls were to either side of his dick, rather than the “normal” configuration of under-the-dick. It was weird and unexpected, but it didn’t change that he was hot and hard as a rock.
Besides, having one ball probably isn’t as big a drop as “I don’t have a dick, by the by.” /That one/ sends people for a loop, “I only have one ball” will probably be met with “Oh. So?” Try not to let it rattle your self-confidence.
I’m a gay man and I’ve been with a guy who had only one testicle from birth, and another two guys who had one ball significantly larger than the other, one due to childhood trauma, the other just because that’s how he developed. It certainly didn’t affect my enjoyment of going down on these guys. If anything, I regarded their unusual ball sacs as being an interesting feature, not a turn-off. I don’t even remember talking with these guys about it until we’d been together for a little while–it just wasn’t that big a deal.
I doubt that most of your partners will care, and some might not even notice. I think delivering a matter-of-fact “public service announcement” before you get naked is fine if you’re worried about a guy having a negative reaction in the middle of sex, but there’s no need to talk about the cancer unless and until you want to. There may be a few guys who will be turned off, but just about all of us have some physical feature that would be a turn-off for some guys.
I’d be concerned less about what your dates think, than about how you are adjusting to this change. Losing a testicle to a life-threatening illness sounds really traumatic. Talk to your friends, find a shrink, get some counseling at the hospital where you had the procedure done, or whatever. You may need some extra support right now, especially since you’ve also just ended a relationship. In any case, you’ve got a lot more to offer both in bed and in a relationship than what’s in your ball sac.
@16: Go, Jane, GO!!!
Great advice as always, Dan.
I love this column!!!
Might Dan consider having a lesbian colleague (or really anyone else might do) answer the rare lesbian questions… assuming there is such a colleague?
As far as @victims are us, what does ‘the men some lesbian-identified women insist on fucking’ mean? Funny… has the phrase ‘the woman some gay-identified men insist on fucking’, or ‘the men some straight-identified men insist on fucking’, or ‘the women some straight-identified women insist on fucking’ ever appeared in this column.. and again.. what does that mean… (particularly in light of dan’s views on bisexuals..)
@31: Although you do have some good points about truthfulness, you sound like a typical lookist asshat.
Go back to your kidporn and stay there.
@31: There’s a difference between taking a picture at a complementary angle and using a picture that’s ten years old, or, worse, of someone else entirely. What do you want people to do, submit their DMV photos? (I’m not an axe-murderer, I just look like one online.)
And the “wraith” of fat chicks? Look out Rocket Man! The ghosts of fat chicks past are coming to get you!
@77: wrong; lesbian sex really is the safest sex around. They don’t get more stuff because of the false sense of security; they get some stuff with a reasonably accurate but not perfect sense of security. The really bad stuff is very hard for them to transmit, eg, HIV.
um… abour the 18 year olds… do you think he’d have been more willing to be tied down if she’d been as hot as her pictures lead him to believe? He was hoping for his myspace hottie… what he found was a liar, but he was so worked up he fucked her anyway. He’d have been totally in the right except for that one small thing… he went ahead and fucked her. Now they’re both deceptive. But still, when he dumps her, she has no right to be hurt… she knows what she did. So does he. It’s gonna be messy… just rip it off like a band-aid and don’t fuck people you’re not into anymore. You could end up with warts.
I found the thingy at officialdatingresource.com …just type in beware myspace angles.
Dan I lost one testicle in a childhood accident.I’m a gay man who was in a relationship for 18 years.My lover never once in all those years even mentioned this fact.My advice to this young man is to just stop thinking about this,there are a lot more important issues in life to deal with.If another guy has a problem with this you don’t need the jerk!
@42 and @52,
Thank you for putting a huge smile on my face. I needed that today.
And Dan, I second #52’s motion! Please, please, please.
Brilliant response for MBNAL! I found myself in this situation last weekend, and had no idea what to say. If it happens again, I’m prepared!
We need a new catchphrase for “angry fat chicks.” I propose “pissy thin guys.”
Regarding having one testicle instead of two: that’s why we have redundant systems sometimes. With no loss of sexual functioning or hormonal activity, most lovers and relationship partners would be happy that you are healthy. Only get a testicular implant if you want the cosmetic and psychological benefits for yourself. The best people in your life will care more about how you feel about yourself than about your testicular number.
@ 83 You can still get HIV transimitted through oral sex, men or women though the risk of contracting it is pretty small. It is foolish to assume, however, that all lesbians have it “safer” than everyone else as they do not.
Two words: cervical cancer. If a guy gets an HPV infection he might get a little bump on his penis. If a woman gets an HPV infection and lets it go untreated (a la no Pap smear) she could die of cancer.
Lesbians do other things OTHER than eating each other such as using toys. If toys are not cleaned properely after sharing (boiling them) or heaven forbid they go ass to mouth or pussy without cleaning the toy there can be dire consequences. Many, many infectious diseases can be caught this way, not to mention STIs.
Re ‘The Big Furry Picture’ – the question was never whether sex with penetration carried more risk than sex without penetration. The question was that the lesbian (his friend) thought there was no risk at all with nonpenetration sex. Just read more closely before you criticize.
Um, re lesbians catching HIV, a blood-borne disease… I’m a woman and I have significant discharge of blood once per month in my joy arena. While I don’t *know* that HIV lives in menstrual blood, it seems strange to think that it wouldn’t.
Re Mr. Uniball — having only one testicle seems like such an incredibly minor issue. If I were in the market again, there are much, much bigger issues that I would care about first. Kindness, compassion, responsibility, confidence/humour… As far as physical attraction, while I quite enjoy fondling the nutsack, I can’t imagine that it would make any difference at all whether there were one or two in there, sort of like whether he had five freckles or six on his back. It’s just not relevant.
I’ve never met a guy who looked just like his on-line photo, but I don’t think it was because they were trying to deceive, it’s just that people in real life tend to look different from the photos taken of them. People who’ve met on-line should keep in mind before meeting in person that they’ll probably look different from what they’re expecting but not feel guilty for not continuing to date someone they find unattractive.
@91, of course individual circumstances vary, but it remains true that lesbian sex is significantly safer than sex with men. Yes, any woman can get cervical HPV and die of cancer (as men get it anally and die of anal cancer), but, lesbian sex is much less efficient at transmission and most of their risk is due to the men they may have slept with AND paps are quite effective. Saying lesbian sex is the safest does not mean they should share dildos with all of san francisco or that they should forgo paps. Educate us on ass to vaginal infections, please (no one sucks dildo, much less after ass use): what dire consequences? Women get UTI’s all the time with poop bacteria, which passes through the vag on the way without causing local disease, and I’ve had patients with colovaginal fistulas who shat through their vag for years without (vaginal health) consequences.
@93, yes, HIV is blood borne and women menstruate, but its also vaginal fluid borne and vaginal fluid is pretty much a given. Women could pass HIV, hep B, syphilis, conceivably hep C thru toy sharing (don’t do it) or even oral sex, but the risk is much reduced because of the lower STI prevalence in other lesbians and reduced efficiency–men give an hiv injection, there’s a lot less hiv around on even a shared dildo or in a vagina and its not deposited as well, hence the lower transmission rate female to male.
@95 – Some people do “suck dildo.”
I once recycled an ex who had had a testicle removed since we were together. I was curious and intrigued to see how different it would look, and lo and behold I could barely tell. The only downside I could see was that he was less likely to be able to get a girl pregnant with half the sperm, so had we gotten back together seriously that could have become an issue, but that’s a straight problem. I can’t imagine a gay man being bothered by it. Everyone’s their own worst critic.
Sweet mustache, Dan, it must be Snark Week! Awesome!
1. “Breaking up with her will break her heart into pieces.”
Christ on a Crutch, ESOC, get over your conceited self. You are not her only reason for living; she only met you last week. Pretty soon, she’ll find another goob who wouldn’t insist on meeting sooner.
2. Balls v Breasts
Christ on a Crane, kids. America objectifies boobs more than it worships money and Mustang convertibles. Of course it’s harder to lose a breast than it is to lose a ball.
@95, Yonush18,
My partner frequently sucks dildo. If people engage in unprotected analingus, what make you think they don’t suck dildos after using them for anal penetration?
What can occur from ingesting fecal matter? All kinds of fun things, like emptying your stomach at an alarming rate in two directions at once. Yuck.