There was a letter in your
column recently that must have been painful for you to receive. I refer
to the letter signed God Hates You. I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate
mail, being an openly gay sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan
mail too. But just in case: I wanted you to know that your column means
a lot to me, and I love your bluntness, openness, and honesty. It is
comforting to see a pragmatic, funny, and, for the most part,
compassionate voice in print nowadays, especially when it comes to
something that so many are as willfully ignorant about as sex.

You Do Good Work

A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s
letter. Most wanted to reassure me that God does not, in fact, hate me.
And most, like YDGW here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my
feelings. I want to thank everyone for their kind words—and I
mean that sincerely—but someone telling me that God hates me is
about as hurtful as someone telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look
fat in these jeans. (“Really? She does? Thanks, I really needed to hear
that—now I’m gonna go sit on the other side of the subway car and
silently ask the Blue Fairy for fashion guidance, okay?”)

As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share.
But I don’t typically run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to
pleasure myself. I am, however, going to make an exception this week
and run a few letters from satisfied Savage Love customers. Not because
I like having sunshine blown up my ass—I prefer to have other
things blown up my ass, thanks—but because we know GHY is out
there reading, and I’m thinking letters from people who’ve found my
advice useful will annoy him way more than letters from people who
wanted to let me know that God loves me. So this one’s for you,
GHY…

I am a 21-year-old straight
girl, and I wanted to thank you. Reading your column and listening to
your podcast over the years has made my sex and love life so much
better than it ever could have been without your fantastic advice. It
gave me the courage to tell my partner about my interest in BDSM and to
be really GGG when he shared his fantasies with me. I’ve recommended
your column and podcast to friends having relationship and sex
troubles, and they all come back to tell me how much your advice helped
them. I wanted to thank you on behalf of shy girls everywhere who
secretly want to be tied up and spanked.

Eternally Grateful

I owe you a thank-you. Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized
my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing
to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about
experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from
anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She’s as
excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t have gotten to such a level
of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I’ll be thinking of
you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass!

A Devoted Reader

Thanks for your advice about the “death grip” and the damage males can do when they grip
themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had that problem: At age
48, a lifetime of death grip left me incapable of coming during regular
intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with a partner from intercourse
or oral or anal sex (my orientation is hetero). I carefully followed
your advice and lightened my touch and started using my left hand (I’m
right-handed) to provide the lighter stimulation that you advised. Any
time I was tempted to revert to the death grip, I squeezed my thumb and
index finger together, forming a ring without contracting it. This
managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without increasing the
pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come from
lighter stimulation! Thank you!

Beautiful Orgasms Beat Odds

I started reading your
column toward the end of my sophomore year of high school, which was
about a year after I started hooking up with girls. I was immediately
drawn to it because your “moral code” is based on common sense. That,
and it was about sex and I was a sophomore.

I tend to be insecure, and I tend to tell
the wrong joke at the wrong time. The one area in my life where I’m not
insecure, however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost entirely thanks
to your column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the wrong thing
to a girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one
night, I can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to
push them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you
bi or gay, so there was no identity crisis when I questioned my
sexuality. Most importantly, I know how to ask and I know how to
give.

Thanks, Dan. If politicians want to get
serious about reducing the amount of abortions, teenage pregnancies,
and divorces in this country, they should hire you to draw up a
national sex-ed curriculum.

Grateful Straight Boy

Thank you for saying some
kind words about “conveniently located and economically priced sex
workers” in your column. I agree that they deserve more gratitude and
respect. In my case, I am a successful, decent-looking professional and
a widower with three kids. I don’t have any trouble getting dates.
However, in my experience, dates either turn into relationships that I
don’t have time for or long conversations that I don’t have time for
about how I don’t have time for a relationship. So once every couple
months or so, I see a professional. I don’t have to feel bad that I may
not see her again, and I don’t get accused of misleading anyone. I
would like to tell your readers that they shouldn’t feel bad if they
are seeing pros. They should enjoy it for what it is, which is a great
time with a pretty girl and well worth the money.

Prefers Sex Workers

I had been reading your
column for years, and each time you told someone to DTMFA—dump
the motherfucker already!—I wondered why the people sending those
sad letters needed your advice at all. Couldn’t they see that they were
miserable? Then one day I had an epiphany and realized, while reading
your column, that I could have authored one of those DTMFA
letters.

It’s now three years since I dumped the
motherfucker. I got a transfer within my company and started over in a
new city. It was overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed
with my new boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE
to have someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who
listens to my fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who
appreciates my cooking, doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games,
and tells me I’m beautiful.

I want to thank you. I was in denial, and
your column was my wake-up call. I’m happier now than I ever thought
possible.

Content Lady In Toronto

You’re welcome, one and all. Next week, back
to the screaming, yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes, and
fuckwits. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

124 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. GSB’s got a point: why has Dan Savage never written a sex-ed book? Children of America saved, Dan newly rich, the bad guys in conniptions, this is an obvious move. What gives?

  4. An “unoffical” Dan Savage sex ed curriculum would be awesome (because, let’s be real, stupid puritanical & uptight adults would never legitimize it). Maybe a hipper, more honest parent-kid sex talk guide–a book for the kids, a companion book for the parents?

  6. I’m a regular reader, and I love this column. In addition to just being fun, I think of it as a weekly check in with my own relationship. Sometimes after reading I think, “Glad that’s not me!” and sometimes I realize, “Shit, that IS me!” No matter which camp I fall into, every week I take a little time to think if my partner and I are both being as GGG as possible. This column has often given me the boost I need to bring up a tough subject.
    If Dan is going to “hell”, I’ll ride in the handbasket! Anyone else?

  7. This column format is kind of a cop-out, and I skimmed it (for the first time in ~8 years). But I like this idea of Dan writing a book — maybe something like The Guide to Getting It On, but less bland?

  9. Dan’s book “Savage Love” (compilation of his columns from earlier years) is organized in a way that can be quite sex-educational. I have referred this book to various friends who have had sexual issues and it’s always helped them. While not a text, it’s pretty close! 🙂

  12. I’d buy your books by the dozen and place them in licentious positions (hah) all over my puritanical relatives’ houses.

    This must be done!

  14. It was really sweet to see all those people happy you helped them and hear about others coming to defend you, Dan.

    But that’s not all, the stories this week were really heart warming kinky stuff. Not only are they hot, but they also make me feel happier and better adjusted about my kinks. It’s really refreshing to hear such positive, grateful stories from people I can relate to.

    Thanks for all the years of happy reading, Dan!

  15. It was really sweet to see all those people happy you helped them and hear about others coming to defend you, Dan.

    But that’s not all, the stories this week were really heart warming kinky stuff. Not only are they hot, but they also make me feel happier and better adjusted about my kinks. It’s really refreshing to hear such positive, grateful stories from people I can relate to.

    Thanks for all the years of happy reading, Dan!

  16. I feel the need to add my voice to those who suggest that Dan write a sex-ed type book/graphic novel to help those who want their children to have an open mind about sex and its place in life.

  17. Gotta say I’ve been reading your column for several years now, and I was in a situation that prompted my sister to tell me to DTMFA, I did just that, but not until after he cheated on me with one of my closest friends. I agree that you should write a Nationally Accepted Sex-Ed curriculum, but it should be a class open to all ages (with the younger years being taught acceptance and such first, obviously). I’d certainly come to the classes and I know many of my friends and family would as well. Thanks Dan!

    ~Happily Single and Openly Bisexual in Hampden, MD

    But you can call me Sophie.

  19. Dan, I’ve been reading your column for 4 years, and I lovelovelove it. It has been a big reason for the quality of the sexlife of my husband and me. We both make the effort to be GGG, and to keep the frequency up in spite of the timecrunch we find ourselves in. Without the savagelove archives I’m afraid our relationship would have been in dire straits.

    So to everyone who wants to know: this gay sexcolumnist saves straight marriages! Woot!

  20. I love the many guides that just came out authored by foodies to get kids to eat adventurously and healthily… How about, along the same lines, a book that teaches sex-and-kink positive parents how to raise kids who can have sex adventurously and healthily without being all creepy about it?

  21. love that term “fuckwits.” but in my neighborhood, it was always “fuckwads.” either way, says the same thing about the folks to whom we’re referring. love today’s column, like every column, dan.

  24. I have to say thank you, too, Dan! And although my religious views are largely undefined (not sure what I believe, but I go to a UU church), I have to say that I think God loves everyone. It’s human beings who know how to hate, not God.

    You do so much good work. I personally could have written a couple of your thank you letters, because my own thoughts and sentiments are so simliar. Reading your column has been informative, entertaining, touching, amusing, and enlightening all that the same time.

    God bless you, Dan!

  25. If God exists, it obviously doesn’t speak through the mouths of people stupid enough to think that they know God’s will and opinion. So why do so many people think an intelligent person (i.e., you, Dan) would be affected by what such a moron says about God?

  29. Dan! I love you column and read the SLOG daily. Your piece on This American Life brought me to tears, and like Mark Twain, you are an honest and irrascible commentator on American life (and its quirks). I for one can say that your advice has brought a lot of fun experimentation to my marriage and for that I am grateful. Keep up the great work!

  30. I’ve been reading Dan’s column since the mid-90s, when I worked for an alternative weekly that ran it in syndication. And I have learned more about sex from Dan than any other source (or all other sources — sex-ed class, parents and older siblings, friends, book, and porn — put together). Thank you, Dan, for helping to educate an entire generation of horny, hopeful people such as myself!

  31. I don’t have any kids, and not currently planning on it, but I’d love to see a book by Dan on talking to your kids about sex.

    Of course, I do have a nephew, and his parents are like UPTIGHT. I’ve got a horrible feeling he’s going to be gay and trapped in the closet for fear of his parents.

  33. Better yet! Instead of a book, can Dan write little pamplets that we can leave stuck in people’s doors and on gas pumps and in restrooms?

  38. I was horrified when I learned my high school aged and sexually active daughter would be only receiving “abstinance only” education in sex-ed. I have talked openly and honestly, but I know there are some things you just don’t want to hear from your mom about intimate things. i really hope Dan does take the idea to heart and write a book.

  39. Years ago when our son was about 12 or 13, a woman in our community tried to get the school board to ban the book, Boys and Sex (and supposedly its companion volume, Girls and Sex. At our first opportunity, on a long road trip, we bought both books for our son and gave them to him. There was a lot of silence from the back seat for the rest of the trip, and when we got home, our son and his friends spent a lot of quiet time back in his bedroom, obviously getting a lot out of the books. Yay for sex-positive books!

    Today our son is one of Dan’s very vocal supporters, and introduced us to Dan’s column as well. I think he would voice equally strong support for a sex ed book by Dan Savage. We do! Go Dan, go!

  42. Dan, my parents didn’t talk about sex. Until 11th grade, when I learned to put a condom on a dildo in health class, my sex education consisted of the medical books my dad brought home (he found them on a curb where a doctor’s office was throwing them out) so that I would be able to read about sex instead of having a conversation. For years and years, because I was so sheltered, I knew everything there was to know about the clinical side of intercourse (I could quote chapter and verse of Masters and Johnson), but I didn’t know anything about sex in the real world.

    When I graduated college, I discovered your column in the back of Pittsburgh’s City Paper. To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. I think the first column I read of yours had something to do with medical scenes in BDSM. Anyway, it intrigued me – the fact that you wrote so frankly, I mean, not the medical scene – and I kept reading.

    I can honestly say I got most of my sexual education – real world sex, not book learning – from you. I would love it if you wrote a book for parents and children, and I’d recommend it to the parents of the kids I work with in a heartbeat.

  43. Oh Dan, you KNOW I’m still the eager acolyte to your cult. None of yer peeps are wrong.

    Still loving your work after all these years,
    Sister Emily Force

  44. you gotta love Mr. Savage he always shoots advice straight can gives great advice to any situation and can do while making you laugh Dam good job Dan

  45. When I was young I used to watch the sunday night sex show with Sue Johanson. I thought it was the greatest thing ever to see some “grandma figure” giving people tips on how to have butt sex.

    Why don’t you have a tv show where people call in and ask questions and for advice?
    Someone should give you one already.

    I don’t even have cable, but id watch that.

  46. I started reading Dan’s column in the Village Voice, when the proper salutation for the letters was still “Hey Faggot!” And yes, I told my son about it.

  47. I started reading the column in the Village Voice before the salutations changed, got my son started reading it shortly after he hit adolescence. Thanks for the years of infotainment, Dan.

    Keep plugging away against the darkness.

  48. Yes, Dan.

    Thanks for encouraging people to use the word faggot.

    Thanks for encouraging them to abandon their pets if they find them inconvenient.

    Thanks for encouraging gay people to blame blacks for Prop 8, and thanks for encouraging black people to believe that all gay white men are racist.

    Thanks for your endorsement of the Iraq War, too.

  49. Dude, if you are thinking of Dan Savage while getting pegged by your girlfriend, you might need a boyfriend. I’m just sayin’.

  50. @50

    Fair points, mostly. I love Dan, but sometimes I’ve thought he was an asshole.

    When did Dan encourage people to abandon pets? The only mention of the subject that I recall is a podcast where Dan said that gays shouldn’t abandon their adoring supportive adolescent fag hags after they come out of the closet, because it’s like abandoning an unwanted dog out in the country. (He apologized for comparing girls to dogs, and actually the plea came across as heartfelt, not crass.)

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