As a 43-year-old single gay
guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme
self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my
adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I’ve had an
interest in it.
Long story short, I answered an online ad,
went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and
quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while
getting hit. Now I feel awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather
the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my
thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed
relationship. I feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my
standards, and I fear sliding down a slippery slope into a life of
anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those
guys.”
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like
puking. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this—I’m too
embarrassed. Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting
spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted
infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I’m
not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about
this.
Shouldn’t Want Anonymous Thrashings
There’s no way you contracted a sexually
transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the
fuck down, okay?
Now…
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual
adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild
side. And you learned something important about yourself in the
process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t enough. You need
your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship.
You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That’s
just how you’re wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good,
decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.
Don’t believe me?
You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You
are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be
into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and
you’ll meet other guys just like you.
I want a human pet. The human
pet must become a dog. My pet will wear a butt-plug tail, a collar, and
paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its assigned safe
word. Its communications will be limited to barking, licking, wagging
its tail. The whole point is that, when done, there is a dog shaped
like a human, but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog about my
pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is
bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.
Future Dog Lover
“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the
most annoying and frequently asked question in the sex-advice business.
Now it’s just the most frequently asked.
Some people consider their pets to be
“members of the family,” but there’s nothing incestuous about fucking
your dog. There’s something sick and wrong about it, of course, but
it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a
human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and
never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.
I’m a 19-year-old bisexual
female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three
months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at
home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough
financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I
wouldn’t want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments,
auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having
a lot of fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says
that she can’t be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. I just
don’t know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our
relationship? Or is she the total cunt?
Comfortable Living In
Temporary
Secrecy
She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.
The reasons you’ve given her for not coming
out to your family right this minute—fear of being retaliated
against financially, fear of losing your home, fear of derailing your
education—are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the only legit
reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend
can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she
shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a
three-month relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last
thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents
needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.
Does asexuality actually
exist? My partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think
he’s just a maladjusted little shit and that he’s intimidated by the
thought of sex. Your thoughts?
The Sister-In-Law
Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it
has its own website—www.asexuality.org—where you can
read this:
“Asexual people have the same emotional
needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary
widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier
on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other
asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic
relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual
people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each
other.”
I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for
suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated to
disclose their asexuality, preferably on the first date and certainly
no later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional
needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals—heterosexuals,
homosexuals, bisexuals—expect to have our emotional and sexual
needs met in our “intimate romantic relationships,” thanks, and we’re
going to want to know if that’s not in the cards before we get
involved, not after. Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s
needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask
me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed. And I’m still
trying to wrap my head around this:
“Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate,
or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be
challenging…”
Um… since monogamy is understood to mean
sexual exclusivity—you don’t fuck other people—I’m not sure
how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual
partner promise not to not fuck other people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t
see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re
prying into your BIL’s sex life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only
maladjusted little shit in the family.
.
Dan I love it when you post early in the week! It’s like a little treat for us east-coasters who stayed up late on a weeknight. I started reading Skipping Towards Gomorrah tonight, then got early Savage Love online as well, made my night – thank you for being you!
Dan, please wrap your head around the idea that not all relationships revolve around sex. I don’t care if yours does, but you should practice the tolerance that you preach and stop knocking the happiness of others (no matter how implicitly you do it).
4 for 4 Dan. And your last sentence? FTW!
Wow, great advice to all three:
– Spanker needs to “get down to some business”. I mean c’mon they could turn that guilt they are carrying around into another masterbation session.
– Clits… you are dating a control freak, kick her “business” to the curb.
– Lastly, Sister in law you need to mind your own business.
So… can vegans swallow?
As always, food for thought, especially FDL.
Firsties. And that was one of the best closing lines ever.
Firsties! And that was quite possibly the best closing line ever.
“Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction, but some experience romantic attraction…” from the link. What is the difference?
Nothing in what was printed of CLITS’s letter indicates that she has told her girlfriend anything about why she doesn’t want to come out to her parents. It is entirely possible that she shied away from the conversation with her girlfriend the way she shies away from coming out to her parents. Yes, her reasons for waiting to come out are valid, but it is not just her girlfriend being a controlling cunt if CLITS has not shared those reasons with the gf.
Just saying.
@9 – Sexual attraction is where you want to have sex (or share sexual acts) with the object of your attraction. Romantic attraction is where you want a romance (intimate relationship, often but not always involving sex) with the object of your attraction.
@2 – his head is well wrapped. He even says just that in his response to TSIL’s query. However, sex plays an important enough role in enough relationships that the majority of the population will expect sex to factor into their relationships. If someone has absolutely no interest in sex, ever, then they are obligated to disclose this when beginning a relationship with someone likely to (reasonably) expect sex to be a part of the relationship.
Dan: “I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated to disclose their asexuality, preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals—heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals—expect to have our emotional and sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want to know if that’s not in the cards before we get involved, not after.”
Absolutely they’re obligated. While the lives of most people don’t “revolve” (as #2/Snickerdoodly put it) around sex, sex IS important to them so if you’re truly asexual and dating, you should disclose your lack of interest in sex.
While I’m sure asexuality exists, and that younger brother could be asexual, he also might very well be claiming to be asexual because he’s intimidated by sex. After all, if a guy is intimidated by it, it’s not as if he’s going to come out and admit that. I’ve met older women who professed to have no interest in sex and, only later, admitted they wanted it but had gone so long without that they convinced themselves they weren’t interested as a way to avoid acknowledging how much they missed it.
Frankly, I’m more worried about FDL. Couldn’t he just get an open-minded Rottweiler?
@14 – How about an open-minded pit bull?
@15 – At least then it could rip his throat out and no one would be surprised.
Good news – even Prudie is on the DTMFA train!
http://www.slate.com/id/2227682/pagenum/…
Maple Grove, Iowa: I love your columns. Small question. What do I do about a boyfriend, whom I love very much, but who is constantly getting jealous too easily. He is eight years older than me and thinks every man we meet is trying to sleep with me.
Emily Yoffe: Glad you like the column, but you probably won’t like this answer: Dump him. That kind of obsessive jealousy is a demon that will ruin your life.
@2
Of course not all relationships revolve around sex. There are many, many wonderful people in my life that I never have, or even desire, sex with. I feel blessed to have these people around me. They provide me with support and friendship and. . . . I’m not dating any of those people.
With respect to your response to CLITS. She is a self centered, manipulative bitch, just like most 19 year old girls and you are just her enabler. Her parents legal responsibility to/for her ended when she turned 18. Anything more is or should be done out of love for her. As she admits, she’s just using her parents. Something I didn’t think you condoned. If she had the least bit of personal integrity, she should come out to parents and accept the consequences of who and what she claims to be.
Always hard to do, but welcome to adulthood. Accepting support under false pretenses is fraud.
Perhaps she should consider making restitution to her parents once she does come out to them and they realize just how badly they have been used. Aren’t her parents people, do they not bleed when you prick them. Just gotta love Shakespeare. So trenchant.
Asexual people can be non-monogamous by being involved romantically with more than one person, even though no sex is involved. What’s so hard to understand?
Thank you Mrs. Norris, that’s absolutely the thing. Emotional monogamy isn’t just important to asexuals, it’s a basic part of monogamous relationships between sexuals, too.
Firstly, I hate the term “asexual”. I think “unsexual” or “nonsexual” is a more fitting word. Asexual is a biology term describing an organism that reproduces without a sexual union. Can you nonsexuals reproduce alone? No, fuck you.
Secondly, asexuality is abnormal. Humans, like any other animal, have the basic primal drive to reproduce to further the species. Homosexuals may have sex with the same gender and therefore cannot reproduce, but they still have that instinctual drive to have sex. No matter how kinky or illegal a fetish one may have (see Lassie lover) it stems from a sexual drive. Asexuals claim to have none, which as a normal human being, I find hard to believe. Maybe these people are afraid to have a truly intimate relationship. Or perhaps they have some defect gene which inhibits them so they won’t pass it on. Whatever it is, asexuality is pretty much the only sexuality that is strange.
Also, if you are “asexual” and you are dating a “sexual”, you’re being selfish. Particularly if you expect to be monogamous. You can’t expect to be in a relationship and not meet each other’s needs.
To comment #2: Yeah, those are called friendships. You’re an idiot.
To FDL: To whomever you decide to make your pet, make sure you tell them you like it “ruff”.
I second what Mrs. Norris said. It goes along with the concept of an “emotional affair”. Just because your bf/gf/spouse didn’t sleep with someone else doesn’t mean they are being faithful if they are emotionally intimate with another person.
@2 There are no romantic involvements that don’t have the assumption of physical intimacy at some point down the line, whether it’s tomorrow or after marriage.
To 19: CLITS did not accept support under false pretenses, her parents give her money for school, bills, etc. and she uses it for said. Her actual sexuality has little to do with the central issue: whether or not her witholding of information regarding her sexual orientation represents an abuse of her parents willingness to be used–we all use our parents and each other, the meaninful distinction is between use and abuse–and it does not; for, the purposes to which they turn their finances as regards CLITS are fulfilled or at least pursued by her. I can’t tell if she’s “a self centered, manipulative bitch,” or not from a few paragraphs, but I believe dan’s advice was sound and that she shouldn’t come out prematurely at the expense of her livelihood, or at least she shouldn’t do so because of a thoughtless spouses’ ultimatum. Also, apropos of nothing, your sweeping and idiotic claims about the ontology of “19 year old girls” and your pop-psychological rebuke of their “enablers” along with the rest of your “argument” would be laughable if it weren’t so dishearteningly earnest, or you didn’t have agency.
To 19: CLITS did not accept support under false pretenses, her parents give her money for school, bills, etc. and she uses it for said. Her actual sexuality has little to do with the central issue: whether or not her witholding of information regarding her sexual orientation represents an abuse of her parents willingness to be used–we all use our parents and each other, the meaninful distinction is between use and abuse–and it does not; for, the purposes to which they turn their finances as regards CLITS are fulfilled or at least pursued by her. I can’t tell if she’s “a self centered, manipulative bitch,” or not from a few paragraphs, but I believe dan’s advice was sound and that she shouldn’t come out prematurely at the expense of her livelihood, or at least she shouldn’t do so because of a thoughtless spouses’ ultimatum. Also, apropos of nothing, your sweeping and idiotic claims about the ontology of “19 year old girls” and your pop-psychological rebuke of their “enablers” along with the rest of your “argument” would be laughable if it weren’t so dishearteningly earnest, or you didn’t have agency.
Dan, once again you’ve made my day! I sit, lonely at work, in an office by myself, and check to see if you’ve written a new column. When I find one, and a really good one like todays, I just get a warm and fuzzy feeling that stays with me all day!!
SWAT-I’m sure there is some deep hidden feeling that Kinky is wrong or bad, maybe something that happened in his childhood that made him feel this way?! If he finds a LTR that involves spanking and still feels the self loathing, he may need therapy.
FDL-Sounds like you ARE into bestiality, but don’t want to do anything too illegal… Next thing you know you will be gluing hair all over your “pet” and finding some way to give your pet Floppy ears!!
CLITS-I don’t think she is using her parents. I know a parent’s LEGAL obligation ends at 18, but most parents house, clothe, and feed their kids way beyond. Especially if that child is in college… Anyways, I think you should dump your girlfriend, 3 months is way too early to start making demands that could change your life!!
SIL-I can see her curiousity about asexuality, but the comments she made about her partner’s brother seem that she is just a prying douchebag. She does need to stay out of his life!
Sometimes it takes a few minutes for a newly-posted comment to appear in the list. Please don’t double post.
#22, the “unnatural” bit about asexuals is a crock of shit. As a biologists, I agree the name is a little problematic, but I don’t think it confuses your average Joe, and anyone who knows better also knows the difference. But when you start calling this sexual behavior normal and that one abnormal, you head down the scary, slippery slope that bigots use to bash gays, fetishists, etc. Trying to frame other non-vanilla, non-hetero behaviors as more natural because they’re somehow closer to “normal” sex is arbitrary and, frankly, offensive. (I’m okay with gays because they’re sooo close, even if they haven’t yet seen the light!) I’ll also invoke a little biology here to point out there are plenty of reproductively obligate sexual species where a good portion (even the majority) if individuals completely forgo sex, so even that part of your argument sucks.
I think Dan’s comments and advice were spot on. Your comment, not so much.
@22 “Normal” is just the largest behavior group. But then, having several different behavior groups is also normal. So while being asexual may not be normal in the sense that it is the most common behavior group, having a sexual behavior group and an asexual behavior group is entirely normal.
Just like it’s entirely normal to have Republicans who have mistresses and Republicans who solicit in airport bathrooms. (I don’t have enough data to know which of those groups is the normal one though.)
There is no reason to think that CLITS’s girlfriend is manipulative or controlling. Assuming she is also 19-ish she may well just be naive, thinking that no family would actually disown their child because of sexual identity. When you come from a loving home where everyone accepts you for who you are, it might take you longer than 19 years to figure out that is not universal.
I can accept asexuality as a legitimate lifestyle for some. I don’t get it, but if it works for another person and it’s not hurting anyone else, who am I to judge? However, I would argue that an asexual person has very different emotional needs than a person who wants to be in a sexually intimate relationship. For most people, sex is not merely a physical need, but a psychological and emotional need as well. In fact, it is included at the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of psychological needs (hey, I didn’t get that BA in psyc just so I could work 70+ hours a week at a non-profit making less than the average server. I got it so I could impress people mith my half-baked, useless knowledge of charts, statistics, phrenology, palm-reading and psychological constructs.)
Anyway, my point is that I don’t think you can say that asexual people have the same emotional needs as sexually active people. That doesn’t make them freaks and I’m not trying to pathologize asexuality. However, saying that they have the same emotional needs as a sexual person would be like saying a person with Aspberger’s has the same social needs as everyone else. They don’t have the same needs and they never will.
Even though human sexuality is fluid, personality and sexual orientation are relatively stable characteristics. They tend not to change over time. Just like a person with Aspberger’s, something is wired differently in an asexual person. Different doesn’t have to mean bad, wrong or less than, but asexuality by it’s very definition comes with a profoundly different set of emotional, psychological and physiological needs.
Ignoring the differences only sets the stage for failure. The psychological and emotional needs of a sexually active person and an asexual person are vastly different. It’s not fair to say that an asexual person should expect to be in a relationship with a sexually active person. It’s much better to just admit the differences at the outset and adjust expectations and lifestyles. Maybe have an open relationship, for instance, or only date other asexual people. Admitting the differences in emotional and sexual needs helps a lot more than denying or suppressing the differences. If you can’t even define your differences, then there is no way that you will ever be able to talk about them in any real or honest way with your partner.
22 FTW – especially this part:
“No matter how kinky or illegal a fetish one may have (see Lassie lover) it stems from a sexual drive. Asexuals claim to have none, which as a normal human being, I find hard to believe. Maybe these people are afraid to have a truly intimate relationship.”
32 – yay for education!
Speaking for myself, I’m not judging asexuals, but I don’t understand it. Like you said, sex isn’t JUST physical – it’s psychological and emotional. Since sex is more than just simple insertion (oral, kissing, intimate touch), I can’t see how the use of the prefixes “a”, “non” or “un” would properly define someone who may have a low sex drive.
The whole asexuality movement to me seems like a way to feel mentally superior to those people who love having sex and have huge amounts of it.
More for 32 – I think it’s safe to assume that ANYONE under 30 could possibly still be adjusting to how their sexuality fits within the context of their everyday life, so that’s another reason I’m reluctant to take this “asexual” movement seriously.
I don’t see how Dan concludes that the kinky gay guy needs to find a kinky relationship oriented guy. Maybe, maybe not. I’d say his big problem is he needs to drop his judgmental attitude about people who have one night stands. One of them in 43 years, and the guy is a basket case. Sounds like he enjoyed the kink part, and he says he not ashamed of getting spanked. His big fear is about “becoming one of those people”. Since he’s single and 43, about 99% of his potential dating pool consists of “those people”. Dan should have told him to get over himself and join the club, cuz he’s one of us now.
You can be nonmonogamous without having sex with other people. Most strictly monogamous people would not want their partner doing anything romantic with an outside person, even if there was no sex with the outside person.
Sex and romance are very closely linked (unless you’re asexual), but they are not the same thing. They are two different drives. People have a sex drive and a romance drive.
A person with no sex drive, but who does have a romance drive, would practice romance by having many friends, but only having that romantic life-partnership relationship with one person at a time.
Anyway, I don’t think Dan is asexophobic for saying asexuals should disclose. But he’s an insular asshole for the way he talks so rudely about anything he doesn’t understand. And yeah, supposedly he’s “always” an asshole, but we all know that’s bullshit. He’s only an asshole to people who are different from him, and who he cannot relate to in some way. Sometimes they deserve it. Sometimes they don’t.
Dan’s response to CLITS – “Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future” – even if the girlfriend COULD feed, clothe, house CLITS, that would create a debilitating dependency on the potentially controlling girlfriend. Even if being dependent on her parents isn’t ideal, at least they’re a known evil, and she’s free to date whomever she wants.
Seriously, 22? That doesn’t make sense. Just because you can’t fathom that one doesn’t want sex it doesn’t suddenly mean that it can;’t exist at all. And your argument is flawed as well- if the gene for heterosexuality is so easily lost/modified, why is it so different for the sexuality gene? The only reason sex is so important in evolutionary terms is for reproduction. If the need to reproduce is so easily lost then sex shouldn’t be that much more difficult. And to summarize and entire established group of people as a bunch of misfits who are afraid to have a real relationship is just absurd and presumptuous.
Just because you can’t fathom it doesn’t magically mean it isn’t true.
And not all relationships require sex. Assuming that all the nuances and details of a good relationship require that sex be had doesn’t make sense either.
Re SWAT: Some of his guilt may be because he feels he used the guy who spanked him by not allowing that guy to get off too – a legitimate concern IMO.
Re asexuality, I can understand it. I was emotionally abused for many years by a parent with borderline personality disorder. I am sexually attracted to people of that gender, but I’m too warped by my bad experience to feel comfortable with intimacy with them. I’d rather just stay away. (Sadly, I have no problem being emotionally intimate with the gender I’m not physically attracted to!)
So really, can vegans swallow? I thought I was the only person wondering about that. Im extra curious now, as I have an annoying vegan friend and cant get a straight answer from them. Help me out Dan/Peoples…
@2, 39
Dan is 100% right. He never said every one wants sex, or should. He said if you DON’T want sex, but DO want a romantic relationship, then you have to tell your prospective partners that up front. Anything else is false pretenses and assholery.
How many times have we all been involved in or seen our friends involved in relationships where mismatched expectations regarding the level of sexual activity came out very, very late? Inevitably, the partner who wants less sex pulls the “love isn’t only about sex” card, and our puritanical societal norms back his or her side. The thing is, it’s absolultely true that love is about more than sex. Most people, though, expect to have a sexual connection with their romantic partner. Can there be healthy romantic relationships that don’t involve sex? Absolutely, but not against one of the partner’s will.
It would not surprise me at all to find that there are at least some people out there who, for whatever reason, find that they honestly do have such a low sex drive that they could reasonably call themselves “asexual” or “nonsexual” or whatever.
It would also not surprise me at all to find that some people say they are “asexual” when in fact their suspected asexuality is merely one stage of their development.
Either way, they have every right to develop in the way that makes sense to them at the time. However, as others have pointed out, a sexual person is usually justified in expecting that a romantic-type relationship will become sexual at some point, so Dan is right-on in saying that asexuals have a responsibility to disclose early on that with them this will not be the case. Having no sexual desires of your own is no excuse for failing to respect the importance of sexuality to others.
I’m with #20 on this one – it’s completely possible to be in a monogamous relationship with someone without sex being involved; in the absence of sex, the monogamy part would have to do with emotional/romantic exclusivity between partners. If, for example, a sexual and asexual were in a relationship, it would be possible for them to be in an open relationship in which the sexual partner had license to go out and get his/her physical needs met but was emotionally/romantically/spiritually/whatever committed to his/her asexual partner. That scenario doesn’t have to be limited to an asexual/sexual partnership either – as Dan has often stated, open relationships between partners often operate along similar lines, with the key being that all parties involved follow agreed upon guidelines and maintain an open line of communication. For some people, sexual fidelity is separate from/not as crucial as emotional fidelity and if it works, why not? I personally don’t get being asexual – sex (or at least good sex) is one of the best things in life and I can’t fathom doing without, but that’s just me and I’m not going to knock someone for not being as into getting it on as I am.
Other than that, great column as usual, Dan!
@ everyone wondering if vegans can swallow:
Oh please, people!
Specialty diets (like vegetarianism, veganism, Weight Watchers, etc) are defined by the people who practice them. Each vegan will have their own answer about whether s/he can swallow. And knowing how sanctimonious vegans tend to get (speaking from experience… I used to be vegan, I hang out with a lot of vegans), each vegan will also have their own answer about whether other vegans are allowed to swallow.
@22 You remind me of some supposedly openminded roommates I had last year. When asked about my sexuality, I identified as asexual, and was promptly lectured about how THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. If I had told them I was only interested in a relationship with a pre-op trans submissive furry – they would have helped set me up with someone. But being uninterested was somehow sick and wrong.
@34 I can emphatically assure you that identifying as asexual is very very hard – not something we do to feel superior. Explaining this to people who want to have sex with or date me is unbearably awkward. Getting roommates, friends, and family members to (like the nosy bitch SIL) stay the hell out of my bedroom is mind-numbingly frustrating. Being reamed for my queer activist work because I am somehow a ‘traitor’ to the movement is brutal.
Nothing about being an asexual is about superiority – it’s about a fervent wish to be left the fuck alone. Why are so many people threatened by a professed personal lack of interest in sex?
@#47: The only question for me is, why are you here reading a sex advice column?
@17 you dumb the asshole. Every man you meet might want to fuck you. That doesn’t mean that you would fuck them. Trust me on this if he is telling you that the other people are the problem he is lying to you and himself. He doesn’t trust you and if you let him have more control over your life you won’t be allow any friends male or female. Trust me this man isn’t worth the bullshit. Maybe you should prove him right and move on with another man.
“Nothing about being an asexual is about superiority – it’s about a fervent wish to be left the fuck alone. Why are so many people threatened by a professed personal lack of interest in sex? “
It’s the same mentality that makes people think that the only way to have a fulfilling life is to go to college(even if you could earn just as much while paying less for/spending less time in a technical school or trade school), be married by age 30(with the wife getting as expensive of a *diamond* ring as the husband can afford without filing for bankruptcy), have 2.5 kids by age 35, and move to a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence around it. People get scared when you break out of social conventions, especially ones as universal as getting married or wanting sex(with the opposite gender, in the missionary position(man on top), in the dark, and only *after* marriage).
When it comes to other people’s sexualities, whether they’re straight, gay, bi, or asexual, and no matter what kinds of sex play(BDSM, scat play, pegging, threesomes, threehundredsomes, human pets, whatever) that involves…follow the golden rule: Stay the hell out of their sex life(or lack thereof) unless they’re hurting other people. Why do you even care, unless the situation involves you or someone close to you? Some of the people who are going “asexuals are just trying to feel SUPERIOR to us normal people who like to have lots and lots and lots and lots of sex(did I mention I have LOTS OF SEX?)” remind me of the “clever” assholes who go “for every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three!” to vegans/vegetarians. Sorry, you’re being the bigger douchebag here…unless you actually know an asexual who lords it over everyone that they don’t have sex. I can’t imagine doing that, but I’m sure there’s at least one person out there ruining it for the more polite among us.
Speaking of polite: Yes, my fellow asexuals, it IS your responsibilty to let potential partners know that you don’t want sex in your relationship. Most people DO expect sex in a relationship, and telling them at your first meeting that you’re not going to give them any is better for both of you than dropping the bomb after you’re getting deeper into the relationship.
The whole ‘asexual’ gig is just a dodge because its tough to get laid in America without a whole lot of palaver and setup, or worse, a relationship. It can also involve white chicks, which makes it even scarier.
I challenge anyone to go to Bangkok for 24 hours and stay ‘asuexual’.