As a 43-year-old single gay
guy, I recently had my first spanking experience and am feeling extreme
self-loathing. I was in a long-term vanilla relationship for most of my
adult life and never got to experience anything kinky, but I’ve had an
interest in it.
Long story short, I answered an online ad,
went to this guy’s house, and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and
quickly left. There was no sex other than me jerking myself while
getting hit. Now I feel awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather
the anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my
thing, as I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed
relationship. I feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my
standards, and I fear sliding down a slippery slope into a life of
anonymous, kinky encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those
guys.”
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I feel like
puking. I can’t talk to any of my friends about this—I’m too
embarrassed. Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting
spanked with a hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted
infections. Also, what can I do to deal with this guilt? I swear I’m
not exaggerating here, and I really do need someone to talk to about
this.
Shouldn’t Want Anonymous Thrashings
There’s no way you contracted a sexually
transmitted infection during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the
fuck down, okay?
Now…
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual
adventure, you took a very short walk on the mild side of the wild
side. And you learned something important about yourself in the
process: Just having your kink indulged isn’t enough. You need
your kink indulged in the context of a loving, committed relationship.
You want to be spanked by someone you love and who loves you. That’s
just how you’re wired. And luckily for you, there are lots of good,
decent, quality guys out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed relationships.
Don’t believe me?
You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You
are living proof that a guy can be relationship material and also be
into spanking. Put yourself out there, put your kink out there, and
you’ll meet other guys just like you.
I want a human pet. The human
pet must become a dog. My pet will wear a butt-plug tail, a collar, and
paw mitts. My pet will not speak anything other than its assigned safe
word. Its communications will be limited to barking, licking, wagging
its tail. The whole point is that, when done, there is a dog shaped
like a human, but the shape is the only thing that isn’t dog about my
pet. The pet becomes so completely a dog that I wonder if it is
bestiality to have sex with my dog/human pet.
Future Dog Lover
“Can vegans swallow?” used to be both the
most annoying and frequently asked question in the sex-advice business.
Now it’s just the most frequently asked.
Some people consider their pets to be
“members of the family,” but there’s nothing incestuous about fucking
your dog. There’s something sick and wrong about it, of course, but
it’s not incest. Similarly, a human pretending to be a dog is still a
human, FDL, so having sex with your dog/human pet isn’t bestiality and
never will be. I hope that doesn’t ruin it for you.
I’m a 19-year-old bisexual
female, and my current girlfriend and I have been together about three
months. She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at
home with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough
financial position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I
wouldn’t want to be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments,
auto insurance, etc. My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having
a lot of fun together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says
that she can’t be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship. I just
don’t know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our
relationship? Or is she the total cunt?
Comfortable Living In
Temporary
Secrecy
She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally.
The reasons you’ve given her for not coming
out to your family right this minute—fear of being retaliated
against financially, fear of losing your home, fear of derailing your
education—are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the only legit
reasons to postpone coming out to your family. Unless your girlfriend
can feed you, clothe you, house you, and cover your tuition, she
shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for the sake of a
three-month relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last
thing a young lady with a pair of controlling assholes for parents
needs is a controlling asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.
Does asexuality actually
exist? My partner’s younger brother claims to be asexual, but I think
he’s just a maladjusted little shit and that he’s intimidated by the
thought of sex. Your thoughts?
The Sister-In-Law
Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it
has its own website—www.asexuality.org—where you can
read this:
“Asexual people have the same emotional
needs as anyone else, and like [those] in the sexual community we vary
widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier
on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other
asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic
relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual
people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each
other.”
I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for
suggesting that asexuals who date “sexual people” are obligated to
disclose their asexuality, preferably on the first date and certainly
no later than the third date. Asexuals may have the same emotional
needs as anyone else, but most of us sexuals—heterosexuals,
homosexuals, bisexuals—expect to have our emotional and sexual
needs met in our “intimate romantic relationships,” thanks, and we’re
going to want to know if that’s not in the cards before we get
involved, not after. Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s
needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask
me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed. And I’m still
trying to wrap my head around this:
“Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate,
or to be monogamous in nonsexual relationships can be
challenging…”
Um… since monogamy is understood to mean
sexual exclusivity—you don’t fuck other people—I’m not sure
how you define monogamy in a sexless relationship. Does your asexual
partner promise not to not fuck other people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t
see what his asexuality and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re
prying into your BIL’s sex life, TSIL, I’d say he’s not the only
maladjusted little shit in the family.
.
As someone who has actually READ asexuality.org (and who – disclaimer – is friends with a founder of that website), i have to say that you folks making claims about the asexuality movement could stand to educate yourselves a bit.
Asexuals don’t claim to all have exactly the same needs, feelings about sex, relationships, etc. They don’t claim to be “superior” to sexuals (as one poster suggested), at least not the ones who run that website. What they’re coming together around is a shared sense that sex isn’t what they want, and to figure out (a) how to communicate that to friends, family, romantic partners, etc; (b) how to have their preferences taken seriously and not pathologized, told “it’s a phase,” “you’re actually just gay,” “you’re afraid of sex,” etc.
I certainly don’t think that they advocate being a “sneaky” asexual and tricking some poor unsuspecting sexual into a relationship, as Dan suggests. The website has resources for how to “come out” as A in one’s dating life; they also suggest figuring out what compromises work for some couples. They certainly don’t prescribe a one-size-fits-all model for intimacy, other than to suggest openness and honesty…which Dan, it seems, should be all for.
Can we stop worrying about what asexual means for a second? It’s a poor word choice, but it has become entrenched. Many words do have more than one meaning.
Now, if we’re going to be picky about word meanings. It’s hard for an asexual person to be monogamous. The definition, you see, revolves around sex. If an asexual person chooses to have sex to please a partner, he can be monogamous. He’s just simply not sexually atrracted to her. (Switch the pronouns however you would like.)
The idea that some people aren’t attracted to men, women, or anything else in that way isn’t hard to grasp and is the core of the asexual movement.
I can’t understand why no-one has realized that being clear to the person you’re dating about your asexuality is as important as telling the other person about your sexual preference.
I’d be pretty pissed off if the girl I was dating didn’t tell me until months into the relationship that she was actually only sexually attracted to other women, though it would be okay to form a “romantic relationship” with me that didn’t involve sex.
Doesn’t anyone else see the analogy? Homosexuals date other homosexuals. Heterosexuals date other heterosexuals. If the asexuals are so committed to mainstreaming their sexuality they should date other asexuals instead of someone who’s expecting something else.
@ pretty much everyone fired up about asexuality: are you asexual? I can’t see any other reason to be so angry other than you are asexual.
@ 29: I’m wrong for thinking someone lacking an instictual drive is strange? Ha. Also, your comment “(I’m okay with gays because they’re sooo close, even if they haven’t yet seen the light!)” what exactly is this supposed to mean? It sounds almost like an insult. As for the biological organisms that forego sex, do they look for relationships? No.
@32: Many good points. You’re a lot nicer than I am.
@39: I read your comment 3 times, it still doesn’t make sense. You need to learn to convey your thoughts clearly.
@47: Sounds like your roommates were openminded to me. They just find it shocking you’re lacking a basic need. Also it’s likely you’ve twisted what they said in your memory.
@48: Wow. What a good question. Why ARE asexuals reading a sex advice column?
I’ve never seen anyone over 20 call themselves asexual. It seems to me to just be a fad for teens who haven’t quite matured yet. Or can’t get laid, you pick.
Also you can call me any names you want, I’m exercising my right to free speech. I’m not throwing paint on anyone who calls themselves asexual.
@54: That’s a really shitty thing your ex did. That doesn’t mean it’s what asexuals do. Part of there being an asexual movement is that it expands the pool of visibly date-able asexuals; there may also be asexuals who are open to their romantic partners having sex outside the relationship (assuming that works for their partner); there may also be asexuals who date sexuals that have very low sex drives, and who thus don’t experience a lack of sex as a hardship.
Your last paragraph is telling: “homosexuals date other homosexuals. heterosexuals date other heterosexuals.” That’s true for some of us. Some also date bisexuals. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous. Some may have thought they were a homosexual dating another homosexual, but then found out they were dating a straight-identified, pre-op trans person. I think the point in all of this is that we shouldn’t be so rigid about who is allowed to/supposed to date whom, but that different people have different needs, and what we all hope for in this world is to find someone (or someones) who meets our needs, and whose own needs we can fulfill. the more honest we are about our needs, the better our chances of having them met.
And people are STILL making these idiotic comments about how asexuals need to declare their asexuality early in relationships, as if this is some kind of massive revelation.
Here’s a hint: every asexual I know agrees with this.
Don’t you get it? The problem is not asexuals deliberately concealing their orientation. The problem is that asexuality isn’t even taken seriously as an orientation, as so well demonstrated by so many of the comments here, so how the hell can you expect people to declare themselves asexual when they’re constantly being told that such a state doesn’t even exist?
of course vegans can swallow. there is no non-consensual use or abuse of an animal involved. the whole “no animal by-product” thing does not apply to a human made product when the human producer can say “please, eat me.” If they weren’t allowed to eat cum, they also couldn’t kiss with tongue for fear of ingesting saliva, another human product.
@ auntielarrie #58
I have known vegans who draw the line at cum-swallowing if the cum-producer eats meat. It’s up to the vegan in question to decide exactly what counts as “edible” and what doesn’t.
I think it should be remembered that the typical 19 year old is not only naive, lacking experience, but also extremely self centred. There are exceptions, and older people aren’t necessarily better, but that’s the stereotype.
It’s entirely possible that she’s not seeing it from her girlfriend’s viewpoint. Making mistakes like this is how people grow up..
@Oh Suzanna (59) How bizarre.. Each to their own i guess, seems more like a ‘i don’t want to swallow and this is a good excuse’ thing to me.. :0P By that logic some vegetables are meat if they’ve been fertilized with animal manure.. For myself, I’m vegetarian and happily swallow and even joke about my boyfriend’s cum as a valuable source of extra protein.. ;0)
On the asexual thing.. I’ve known 2 couples where 1 partner is profoundly disinterested in sex. The major problem was that both of these people were willing to fake sexual interest until there partner was emotionally involved and then withdrew it. I consider this to be deeply unfair and deceitful and it ultimately resulted in pain for all involved. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual/nonsexual, unless you pretend otherwise. Any emotional/romantic relationship that is founded on faking/lieing about sexuality/asexuality/sexual interests is destined to cause pain.
#55, what I’m trying to say is that you say it’s perfectly normal to not have the drive to reproduce, even though that’s a basic evolutionary need. Then you go right around and say that lacking a “basic need” like sex, which is highly intertwined with the desire to reproduce (in evolutionary terms), is strange and wrong. That doesn’t make sense. Why is it so hard to believe that some people just don’t feel the need for sex? The reason you don’t hear more of it is because of people like you saying that they’re all faking it or they’re just underdeveloped or whatever. And there is NOTHING “wrong” or “strange” about lacking a need for sex. Her roommates had no right to tell her that suddenly just because she doesn’t want to have sex that she was WRONG and that she had to change. If it’s so easy to lose the need/want to reproduce, then why is losing the need/want to sex so much more difficult?
The reason we’re getting all “fired up” over this is because you’re marginalizing an entire group of people and making their lives that much harder by claiming that they don’t really exist. You say they’re weird because they lack a “basic need,” but just because it’s basic to you or to 95% of the population, doesn’t mean that those people should man up and start fucking.
As to why they;re reading Savage? It’s entertaining as hell.
As for the people who doubt whether asexuals “exist”, please. I’m sure you accept there is a range of libido levels in humans, from wanting it several times a day to perhaps wanting it several times a year. And regarding those who only screw on the high holy days, no-one seems to question the validity of their sexuality or their relationships. So why wouldn’t there be people with no libido at all? It’s a bell-curve for a reason.
Personally, I couldn’t be in an entirely sexless intimate relationship, but I’m not everyone, amazingly.
Thanks, Trix and others, for your understanding. I just thought I should point out though that asexuality is not quite the same as lack of libido. Some asexuals do have low or non-existent libido; others have quite normal libido. What makes someone asexual is their lack of sexual *attraction*.
Who knew there even WAS an “asexual” movement? What for? You couldn’t “promote” asexuality. A person eitehr is or isn’t.
CLITS: your parents already know.
@65: There’s an asexual movement for (at least some of) the same reasons as movements for queer visibility and acceptance. Not to “promote” one form of (a)sexuality, but to become visible, to have one’s preferences respected (and not called “wrong” or “sick”), and to find community, to name just a few reasons.
@19: If you think that a switch is flipped the moment your 18th birthday comes around that says “you have to be completely independent… now!” you’re an even bigger retard than the girlfriend. Basic survival instinct says “stay the course until you can be on your own”. That’s not manipulation, that’s life.
@51: It’s called “Bangkok” FFS. If you get out of there without having someone bang your kok, you should either get a medal or a smack to the head, and I’m not sure which. Maybe both.
@19 – I’m with you 100%. The way I see it the only legitimate reason for not coming out (other than you simply don’t want to) is for your personal safety. All of those other so-called reasons are phony. You’ll lose your job! If that’s the case you’re going to lose it when someone stabs you in the back and tells you boss you’re gay just because they are pissed at you. You’re family won’t love you anymore. Well, surprise surprise – if being gay is all it takes to lose the love of your family then they didn’t really love you in the first place and their love isn’t really worth having . If you don’t want to come out, don’t come out but don’t hide behind some shallow reason for not doing so. I came out at 17 – I lost a lot but I gained a lot more by doing so. It’s a personal decision but you need to be honest about how much it is really worth to you to be who you are and have the right to live your life.
@2 Snickerdoodly
All relationships are about sex, even the lack of sex requires sexual compatability and fulling each others sexual needs. If one party has sexual needs and the other does not then there is sexual incompatability.
Sexual compatability is even more important for an aesexual person than one who is sexual.
Sexual incompatability is one of the leading causes of divorce and infidelity, and a sexual person with an aesexual person without some form of allowance for the sexual person’s needs is a disaster waiting to happen.
As an aesexual person; you may not realize what it is like to have a sex drive much in the same way sexual people do not understand how you do not have one or how straight people do not understand how gay men can be attracted to one another and so on. Dan’s statement was spot on and in strong support of aesexual people and you attacked him for it out of ignorance.
dan’s advice is always related, and that means it get’s it pound of entertainment.
perhaps there is more to the hate crime legislation than just the Cesar’s dog whisperer debut magazine.
as for me and my kind…
I say kill them with kindness and don’t spell it c’zar.
Sorry CLITS, but dating closet cases sucks. I started dating a closet case with catholic parents Freshman year of high school, and she kept it quiet until graduation.
In college she told her mom she was Bi but didn’t acknowledge me as her girlfriend. She told me that she wanted to wait to come all the way out until she graduated from college and was financially independent.
After she graduated from college, she still didn’t come out, and moved in with a guy without telling me while I was studying abroad senior year.
So CLITS, maybe it’s not fair for your girlfriend to ask you to risk their future for a 3 month relationship, but it’s also not fair to ask someone to come into the closet with you, which is what you’re doing to her.
So, don’t tell your parents if you want them to keep paying your tuition, but don’t blame your girlfriend if she leaves.
why are so many of you so bothered by the existence of asexuals, and to their vocalizing their needs and identities through a “movement”? they don’t want to feel like freaks, like there’s something wrong with them, hence the “movement.” you doubt it’s really asexuality, it must be sexual hangups, etc. etc. can’t wrap your mind around it? fine. they can’t wrap their minds around actually wanting sex, and they are tired of the pressure to do so, no doubt. they miss out on some good stuff by not being sexual, but they miss out on a hell of a lot of bad stuff, too.
p.s lack of testosterone seems to be a major factor, from what i’ve read.
From the 1979 film Manhattan:
Woody Allen: What kind of dog do you have?
Diane Keaton: It’s a dachshund. I know, a penis substitute, right?
Woody Allen: In your case I would have guessed a Great Dane.
I know it’s selfish to ask my partner to come into the closet with me, that’s why I’ve been so conflicted and had to write to a sex advice column. I’ve decided to end things or “postpone the relationship” until I am able to support myself and come out.
Maybe I am self-centered and immature and using my parents, but please don’t discriminate against my age. There are a lot of 30, 40, and 50 year olds that suffer from those same character traits.
i don’t think a sex advice columnist should have any hangups about having trouble advising people about being asexual.
let me splain.
your inclinations for a while now have been to help people find a way, whatever way that is, no matter gender, orientation, bits, lack of said bits, involvement of objects, emotions, puppets, jugglers, the odd bit of 18th century poetry, whatever…
asexuality is just the opposite, for whatever reason. if there was such a thing as an asexual advice columnist i’d say it was a nun, or something. yeah, so don’t fear the asexual. just look at them the way you’d look at a pussy. An enigma, slightly repellent, but ultimately someone else’s baggage.
@69 (The way I see it the only legitimate reason for not coming out (other than you simply don’t want to) is for your personal safety): huh? Someone may end up getting kicked out onto the street by parents or landlord, end up not getting to go to college, losing an important job, and those are all “illegitimate” reasons to stay closeted? It might be nice if everyone came out to help the movement, props to you if you had the chutzpah to take a chance, but to me major life catastrophes are MORE legit than “not wanting to” which is totally lame and a cop out.
I went on asexuality.org and found the general vibe of the people posting in the forums to be one of hostility towards sexuals- maybe the founders didn’t intend it, but it seems that at least the people posting are rather “militant” about their asexual needs and often refer to “sexuals” as base, crude people with something wrong with them- some even going so far as to say that sex is dirty and completely unnecessary and can’t be a “need” at all!
My fiance has finally dropped the “no sex, ever again, ever ever ever” bomb on me…after 4 years, and my son and I living with him; can you imagine how that is tearing up our lives? And he’s trying to make it out like I’m the one with the problem! And no, I can never EVER get any on the side if I’m with him. So, there goes the last four years of me and my little boy’s life. I went to the website for support, but everyone treated me like a selfish, cave-dwelling bitch.
@24- Many women, although guilty of extremely bad judgment, form romantic involvements and even marriages with men serving life sentences, or death sentences, in prison. They are in romantic relationships without the expectation of any physical intimacy ever. They exist, therefor you’re wrong.
@78, I’m sorry your hubs turned out to be a total fucking asshole 🙁 There is no clearer indication that you must DTMF or at a minimum insist on outside satisfaction for yourself with or without his approval. What’s he gonna say next, you can’t have any money of your own? I could never imagine denying happiness to a partner, and if I’m rendered incapable by spinal trauma, as soon as the immediate drama is over and my potato life begun, I’d make it clear I want to hear some hot stories about the fun my guy is having.
@39 – I don’t think Dan is judgmental of one-night stands in general. He’s judgemental about SWAT’s one-night stand because SWAT was obviously upset about it.
However, I do agree with one key point: SWAT doesn’t necessarily need to find a great guy who’s into spanking. He could also find a great guy who’s not really into spanking but is GGG and will happily indulge SWAT to the best of his ability.
Asexuality ABSOLUTELY exists. I was with a guy for 4.5 years who was this way! We had sex 4x during the last year we were together (if you can count one hasty half-asleep 4am grope-fest as one of those times). I could fault him for not “disclosing” this info in a conversation early on, but I have to take my share of the responsibility as well: his behavior showed plenty of red flags and indications that he would be this way, starting at about the 2 month mark.
He was just born with a low sex drive and had always been this way, he later mentioned how much he avoided dating in college due to it. I think there are people who can maintain more frequent sexuality at the onset of a new relationship, just due to the newness, adrenaline, hormones, etc. This soon tapers off and they return to their M.O. I would NEVER accuse my ex as “deceiving” me for seeming more sexually active at the beginning than he normally was, as these patterns were likely not something he fully understood himself at the time. This is not to say that there are some out there who MIGHT deceive (a women who feigns an interest in sex until marriage, for example), but we can’t make blanket statements about all the members of any group.
And, not wanting a sexual relationship certainly doesn’t preclude people from still wanting romance, companionship, emotional intimacy, etc. I know my ex is still actively seeking that. I hope he has learned to be more effective at weighing & communicating the importance of sexual compatibility earlier in the dating process.
A great resource is the “Mismatched Libidos” board on http://www.ivillage.com/messageboards. This was instrumental in my decision to end things, and later, to understand the hurt I had gone through and what low libido/asexual people are actually dealing with. There is a ton of participation from both sides that may present a good balance, if asexuality.org comes across as too hostile. Since thoughts of sex often do not occur to asexual, it seems unlikely that many would spend time seeking out a forum for discussion, unless they had been through some hurt themselves, perhaps with a high libido partner.
@55: Whoever mentioned that libido is a “bell curve” is dead-on. I would ask dazanii how s/he feels about my complete and total lack of maternal instinct and desire to never have kids.
I have felt this way since the day I turned 15. (I’m 30 now.) Happily I have found a BF who is likeminded. And we know lots of other people like us. Are we abnormal, to be lacking this “basic instinct” to reproduce?
@48: Why are we asexuals reading this column? Curiosity. Entertainment. Because people like me post links whenever asexuality comes up somewhere. We may not need the advice, but we do care about how people perceive us.
@78: Hostility? Certainly some people are hostile, and they’re likely to post rants about it. They do need a place to vent, and so we tolerate those rants. On the advice- well, I went looking for a similar question to yours, and the first one I found had these responses:
“Heartless? If I understand correctly, he suddenly stopped wanting to be intimate with you, and then pretended that you should have known it all along. It really sounds pretty bad, like he was purposely misleading you from the start; you’re certainly not the heartless one here. Am I the only one getting this impression?”
“Marriage between you two would have been a really bad idea, and it’s good that you didn’t get into it.”
“It is time for you to move on.
Listen to your instincts. Good luck!”
That’s empathy and agreement, not hostility. Just like bisexuals can be monogamous, sometimes the compromise of an asexual/sexual relationship works. When it doesn’t, we call for a breakup just like anyone else.
Great column, excellent advice, as always. The last bit to SWAT (“Don’t believe me? You’re one of those guys”) is something everyone should realize about themselves.
#78, I’m sorry to hear both about your situation and your experience on AVEN. I don’t know who you are on AVEN or which one was your thread so I can’t comment on that, but just FWIW I don’t think what you described is representative of the board as a whole. There are a wide variety of individuals, posting styles and opinions there but I think the overall tenor is quite sex-positive and supportive towards sexuals. Of course (like most other places) people often react badly if (rightly or wrongly) they feel like they’ve been attacked or threatened, but other than that I’ve not seen too many problems.
I sincerely hope things work out for you.
In response to #68. Either you’re an adult or not and for an increasing number of children, adulthood is thrust upon them literally overnight. For me it was before I turned 16 and I had no choice in the matter of being independent while assuming the responsibilities of adulthood. Independence and responsibility are hallmarks of adulthood. Pardon me if I have little sympathy for people who play at being adults whether they are 19, 99, or somewhere in between. Children should not engage is sexual activity since they aren’t prepared to accept the consequences of their actions and most 19 year olds are just playing at being adults.
In response to #25 and #26. Are you so enamored of your erudite witicisms that you had to post the same labored comment twice? You obviously are not the parent of a teenage daugther and have limited or no experience with teenage girls.
@81, Thexalon, I didn’t mean Dan Savage is judgmental about one night stands. Obviously he isn’t. SWAT is the one who is judgmental about “those people” and that is the core of his dilemma, since he thinks he is on the slippery slope to becoming one of them.
There are a lot of judgmental serial monogamist gays who look down on those who cannot or will not form long term relationships (often in their terms, long term is 2 to 5 years). Personally, it smacks of desperation to me. They will settle for someone who meets their racial/social/wealth/attractiveness criteria, they get together for the infatuation, and then as long as they can stand each other when the infatuation is over. It’s about as romantic as hiring a secretary. But they’re very smug about it.
Sorry about mispelling daughter, I’m somewhat dyslexic along with having several other interesting health issues. O woe is me. However, my problems are as nothing compared to what CLITS may be facing. She really needs to grow up before making any life changing commitments. I’d be really interested in finding out how old her girlfriend is. If there is any significant age difference she could well be dealing with a predator, they come in all shapes, sizes, genders, and sexual orientations.
I also find it interesting that CLITS describes herself as being bisexual as opposed to being a lesbian. Does the girlfriend know about the duality of her sexuality and is she threatened by it? Being actively bisexual would seem to preclude a monogamous relationship, which is what the girlfriend could be trying to force upon CLITS. Is the girfriend also bisexual? If not, is she trying to constrain CLITS sexuality? So many questions, so little information provided by CLITS. Just another confused teenager, more interested in having fun than being an adult? I doubt her parents are supporting her, paying for school, etc. so that she can have a lot of fun with her girlfriend. She should be more focused on her education which is presumably why her parents continue to pay her bills.
#81 you hit it right. All these uptight queens judging SWAT because he wasn’t a whore like them is just pathetic. It’s nice to know there’s at least one gay guy out there who actually has an internal, moral compass.
Besides, these negative queens ripping on SWAT are just jealous that he managed to get a hot enounter when they can’t even get someone to buy them a drink at the local gay rat hole they call a bar.
We don’t know enough about the brother in law to know WHY he’s a maladjusted little shit other than being asexual. I have had the express displeasure of meeting an asexual who thinks that sex is immoral under all circumstances for any reason and that it degrades humankind as a whole. Like, Carrie’s mom type asexual. If they just don’t want to have sex, that’s fine, to each his own, but some asexuals are every bit as much judgmental bastards about sexuals as some heterosexuals are about homosexuals. If that’s the case, he is a maladjusted little shit.
1) “Accepting support under false pretenses is fraud.” Ha Ha!
2) “Perhaps she should consider making restitution to her parents once she does come out to them and they realize just how badly they have been used.” Ha Ha Ha Ha!
3) “Aren’t her parents people, do they not bleed when you prick them. Just gotta love Shakespeare. So trenchant.” Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Stop it, beentheredonethatgotthetshirt, you’re killing me!
Hey Dan,is douche bag spelled as one word or two or does it need a hyphen as in douche-bag?
Snickerdoodly says, “Dan, please wrap your head around the idea that not all relationships revolve around sex.”
Snickerdoodly, Dan’s not saying all relationships should revolve around sex; he’s saying all relationships should revolve around honesty. If you’re not going to want to meet a potential partner’s needs, you should be upfront about that–whether the need is for sex or monogamy or nongamy, for BDSM or long walks in the park, for an active healthy lifestyle, or whatever. I can’t imagine why you’d find that suggestion upsetting.
Coming from someone involved in the BDSM D/s kink as well as being a “human pet,” the idea of giving up my life completely – down to actually BECOMING a Dog is terrifying to me.
How far does that go? What about when you’re not home? What about your pets family? Their friends? Their jobs?
I wear my tail, I’ve even worn it underneath my clothes…and i’ve worn paws while sceneing or just while in the comfort of my home, and I always, always, wear my collor [as long as I am collored], but i will, always, always, have human needs outside of my pet ones. To take those away from me entirely – i’d almost consider that torture.
Just make sure if you do find your puppy – that he/she/it, is completly willing in every way.
My Fiancee is Vegan, she swallows. but there’s no way in hell i’ll ever question why she does. lol
I don’t think either CLITS or her girlfriend are horrible people. They’re just at different places and need to either accept that about each other or move on.
This exchange has shown me, if I didn’t already believe it, just how important groups like AVEN are. It’s going to take a LOT of talking before asexuals and sexuals really understand each other, and I can see we’re not there yet. That’s one of the reasons I read “Savage Love;” since sexuals are the majority I think it’s important for me to understand how they think and feel. I encourage sexuals to do the same at AVEN. You may find some ranting, but don’t you think that’s to be expected from any minority group that’s still generally misunderstood by the majority? Maybe we need our own Dan Savage, to make it all a bit more entertaining.
Most thing in nature fall into some sort of curved distribution. Do you think it’s incumbent on someone with a HIGHER than average need for sex to make an annoucement of it on the first date, before you;ve even had a chance to get to know the other person?
I adore you, Dan. But for adjusted, adult asexuals, AVEN can be an albatross.
Years ago I invested a lot of time in AVEN, as a poster, a moderator, and trying to rewrite some of the ridiculous content Dan quotes. I sorted some things out for myself and found some good friends, but on the whole the place has gone way downhill and now primarily hosts a forum for a bunch of pubescent maladjusted shits who feel better about themselves by villifying ordinary folks who–shock–experience sexual attraction. AVEN is not representative of people like me who are just at the low end of the spectrum. I feel bad for otherwise adjusted asexuals who find the site and can’t relate to inanity in static content or the vitriol on the boards, because being asexual without acceptance can be very painful.
There are various other asexual communities online–the human amoeba on yahoogroups, apositive.org, several on livejournal and probably other networking sites–and there are offline groups too, though many of us met online to start. There’s also a lot of academic literature coming out about asexuality, which I think provides a more honest look at populations at the low end of the sexual-interest spectrum.
One thing, Dan is spot-on about disclosure. Asexuality can be analagous to having a dealbreaking kink: you have to be honest up-front if there’s a low chance of sexual compatibility. Anything different is unfair to all involved. The way I see it, if you’re not comfortable bringing sex up with someone, you don’t want to be in a relationship with that person anyway.
citrusfruit is of course welcome to his or her opinion. I’d just encourage anyone else interested to check out the board and a few threads for themselves before deciding whether the characterization of AVEN he or she offers is accurate.
@97 – how old are you?
If you’re over 30, PLEASE start your own site, forum or whatever and educate people the RIGHT way about what Asexuality is. There are people out there who truly want to understand and have compassion for what this issue is.
Maladjusted little shit… lol.
Woo-Hoo Dan! You’re the shit… I love reading your column and I love what you dish… Thank fuck you are so honest…