I am a 23-year-old male who
has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She
is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue
is this: I have a foot fetish and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t
like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in any way.
We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she doesn’t
want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a
stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m
getting mixed advice from different people and I just want a straight
answer. The sex we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more
if I could act on my desires once in a while.
Sexually Frustrated Fetishist
Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing
girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and I’m amazed that you’ve
put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot fetish is not
uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing
for a nonkinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or
Christian side hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard
indulging you as a no-brainer.
Share time: I have a good friend who’s not
kinky at all—unless you count being gay—and he’s a runner
who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets home, he
handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of
his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there
while he has breakfast. My friend—who came to me for advice when
his boyfriend confessed his fetish—isn’t really into guys with
sneakers duct-taped to their faces. But it gets his lover off, and
isn’t that what lovers are for?
Your lover has had things—she’s had
you—on her terms for four years, SFF, which means you’re going to
have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you have. Tell
her that if she can indulge your fetish—happily and
regularly—and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she
might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not
that “the one” is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the
sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)
Finally, SFF, don’t let the
girlfriend—or anyone else—tell you that you’re threatening
to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is
important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the
“triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial,
why not just indulge you then? And in a long-term
relationship—or a marriage—one partner’s sexual selfishness
and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long
haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.
I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man,
but I’ve been having an online conversation with a married bisexual man
that has become an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe form of
sexual adventurism for both of us. None of our dares has involved
sexual contact with another person, but some of our dares have begun to
involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads to
Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies from
dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result
in actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the
“flakes” aspect of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a
few times after making contact on Craigslist and then never hear from
them again. But it also feels a little like we are using these folks.
Is this expansion of our game to involve other people ethical?
Concerned About Harming Craigslist
Fellas
P.S. This letter is itself part of a
dare. If you publish it and include a dare in the reply, I will have to
fulfill that dare.
The expansion of your game to Craigslist
will annoy those guys on CL who are looking for actual contact, CAHCF,
but as those guys amount to something less than 0.02 percent of the men
trawling Craigslist at any given moment, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Everyone knows that CL is overrun with flakes and game players and
picture collectors; the odds that the “dominant men” you’ve chatted
with on CL are interested in actual contact are pretty damn slim. (Guys
interested in real-time BDSM play are likelier to be lurking on
Recon.com or in your local hardware
store.) So post at will.
P.S. I dare you to go to www.tinyurl.com/ye3otsh and take
the pledge.
I’m a straight guy in my late 20s. I
have a girlfriend of several years whom I live with and I love very
much. I just read your most recent column, in which you used the
acronyms HND (honest nonmonogamous dude) and CPOS (cheating piece of
shit), and it struck a nerve. I have never been an HND; I have in the
past been a CPOS (though not in this relationship). My girlfriend is
lovely, supportive, and generally GGG, and though the sex is good, I
have a significantly higher libido than she does and I would like to
have a little more variety in my sex life. I want to be an HND, but I
don’t know how to broach the subject with the girlfriend without
ruining our relationship. We are very open about our sex life and our
relationship in general, but I think this is probably a “next level”
topic that may not go over very well. How do I bring this up without
screwing up our relationship beyond repair?
Aspiring Honest Nonmonogamous Dude
Based on what you’ve learned about yourself
in past relationships, AHND, i.e., that you’re a CPOS waiting to
happen, I would encourage you to err on the side of screwing up your
current relationship with an honest conversation about your mismatched
libidos and your natural and normal desire for a little variety. Lies,
damn lies, and statistics all demonstrate that, in time, one or the
other or both of you will cheat. Better to toss that out there now,
even at the risk of calmly winding down this relationship before you
revert to form/CPOS, than to see the relationship explode after
someone, most likely you, winds up cheating.
And while we’re on the subject of
cheating…
I suppose I’m obligated to say a few words
about Tiger Woods. First, let’s pretend that Elin Nordegren cheated on
Tiger and that Tiger went after Elin with a golf club. Would Elin be
viewed as the sole transgressor in the marriage then? Probably not. And
second, daily papers and cable news outfits reacted to Tiger’s
“transgressions” by changing the names in the same “Why do powerful men
cheat?” stories they’ve been pimping since Bill Clinton blew a load on
a White House intern. For the millionth time: Men cheat for the same
reasons women cheat, i.e., because they’re bored or horny or
unfulfilled or desperate to see someone else naked for a change. People
cheat because monogamy isn’t natural and we are wired to cheat. That
doesn’t make cheating right, of course; people should honor their
commitments, and blah-de-nine-iron-blah. But we shouldn’t encourage
people to make commitments we all know they’re unlikely to keep. The
end.
AUCTION NOTICE: Want to answer a question or
two in an upcoming column? I’m auctioning off a chance to give advice
in this space to raise money for some worthy charities. Go to
www
.tinyurl.com/SLauction for details and to bid.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly
podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
“blah-de-nine-iron-blah” Ha-de-18-holes-Ha. Totally agree with #46.
Not everybody is wired to cheat. I’m not. I love my husband and have no real sexual interest in anyone else.
Poo-eating dog-fuckers?
Do you people read Shortpacked?
Foot fetishism is frequently not just about the feet. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with the power dynamic aspect of it? I’ve always tried to be GGG, though I do have limits. I figure if someone needs something I can’t give, we can part ways and find a better match. In relationships where the kinks involved power stuff, though, like foot fetishism or bondage, I found there were other problems. In one instance, he couldn’t keep the power stuff in the bedroom and it turned into an unhealthy (abusive?) relationship. In the other, as the relationship waned, he grew sexually selfish and uninterested in sex that didn’t fulfill his fetishes and desires. This is not because of the fetishes, and I recognize that, but she might not. Maybe she’s tried it and it didn’t work out, like others have said, or maybe she knows someone or read about someone who tried it and it went badly, and she said, “That’ll never happen to me–I’ll make sure of it.” Who knows? Ultimately, Dan is right. Communication is key, but if it’s something you need, and something she can’t give, it’s time to move on.
I am also inclined towards monogamy. I’ve never once been tempted to cheat. Ever. I’ve been dating for only nine years, so maybe that will change some day, but I figure if I was going to be tempted, I’d have been tempted by now. This is not due to lack of sex drive, or because other people aren’t attractive. I simply have no desire to have sex with anyone else. At all. I don’t expect that from my partners, but I do expect honesty and monogamy. I know that’s hard to find, but I’ll keep looking until I do.
I, for one, do not cheat. It makes me feel like a piece of shit to lie to my wife, either of my girlfriends, or any of the occasional hook-ups that come my way. Plus, I just don’t have time for it. Some amazing things can happen if people are open to being caring, honest, and loving. Difficult? Yes. Worth it? Yes!
Also I believe that “natural” in the sense of the cheating/multiple partners discussion could also be “pervasive” or “nearly universal”. Semantics do not change facts (unless you are in the Grand Old Party, then they dictate reality).
And…Holy Shit! Thanks to Dan for bringing the Christian Side Hug to my attention. I just watched the video. I am guessing somehow that this is not a joke…It looks just delusional enough to be Xtian rap. Did Jesus CSH, yo?
Power stuff in having my toes licked, sucked and gently bitten until I orgasm ? I don’t get it.
How can there be a power dynamic in asking to have those acts happen on my clean feet, when it’s vanilla if it happens on my pussy ? I’m not tying my partner or anything. He’s not a foot fetishist, I suppose I am, right ?
If the girlfriend who did not like the foot fetish worked it right, she might start to like it.
“Sure, you can massage my feet, after a full body massage!”
“Sure, you can massage my feet, just do the dishes first!”
“Sure, you can play with my feet, right after you put those new pumps you bought me on them!”
I get no sexual pleasure from having my feet played with, but damn if it doesn’t just feel good and relaxing. I would love to find a partner into a foot fetish.
Agree with 96. If truly consenting adults want to do it, it doesn’t involve non-adults, or deceit, coercion, yada yada yada, who are we to pronounce on what’s natural? Like anyone really knows what that is. And spare me the Wild Kingdom logic, while you’re at it. I don’t give a rat’s ass what rats do with their asses. Why anyone thinks that seriously comes to bear, pardon the expression, on what human beings choose to do is another reason to sincerely believe in the dumbing-down of America.
Breaking free of fascist thinking about sexuality doesn’t count for much if you then turn around and become fascist about what you’ve decided is “normal.” This is includes monogamous behavior and, as 96 points out, the fact that a lot of people’s lives don’t revolve around sex. Low libidos are normal, too, and they don’t imply anything about the person any more than other manifestations of sexuality.
I would ask the chick with the foot fetish BF just what it is she finds so horrible.
When I was younger and uneducated about such things, I thought it would be disgusting to indulge a fetish because I assumed it would only be about the fetish itself and no longer be about me or us.
I have learned it doesn’t have to be that way. It can just mean that there is an extra erogenous zone to play in.
Rule #1 of ultimatums: you have to mean it. You’d have to seriously rather not be with your gf than go without the fetish. Its also quite likely that while she might have done it in order to make her wonderful mate happy, she wouldn’t do it for someone who holds the relationship hostage. Someone like that isn’t as worth making compromises for, in a lot of people’s views. But I would bet after 4 years he’s tried the “can’t you just do it for me” approach and it hasn’t worked, so its probably time.
I also wish Dan would stop using science that doesn’t exist to prop up his views. “Monogamy isn’t natural” is so much bogosity I lose a lot of respect for anything Dan says. I have no respect anti-gayers who say ‘x isn’t natural because they say so’, for the same reason, they’re talking completely out of their ass just to try and justify something.
#96: “I’m no prude.” Maybe you’re an exception, but every person who has ever felt the need to say this throughout human history has, in fact, been a prude.
“On another note… I think the twin conceits of ‘natural’ and ‘unnatural’ are not particularly applicable to beings that have transcended, EVOLVED, as far as humans have beyond the basic life model of stay-alive-and-reproduce.” Any species that “evolved” beyond staying alive and reproducing would swiftly die out. Also, every other species on earth today has had exactly as long to reproduce as we have.
Worth mentioning, because the (meaningless and un-biological) idea that humans are “more evolved” than any other species is often behind the notion that monogamy should come easy to us.
I dated a guy with a foot fetish for a year and a half, and we broke up for reasons completely unrelated to sex. I was not into feet at all, but as long as he tried not to tickle them we were fine. Having my toes sucked did nothing, just felt wet and kinda gross, and then they got cold once the saliva started drying. Having a dick smashed between my insteps didn’t hit my hot spots but then, I didn’t do it for me. I had no problem with the foot thing and I’m still convinced that the reason our sex life, at least the parts that did hit my hot spots, was the best of my life was because he was getting what he needed too. I did all sorts of things in that relationship that I would never bring up first, and I assume he did too. Nothing objectionable, just nothing that turns me on. Being GGG is not hard unless they want something you feel actively uncomfortable with. If my husband revealed to me that he had an unlubricated anal sex fetish, I might have to argue against that one. But foot rubs, instep fucking, and toe sucking? Mild stuff. Plus it helped me with the guilt I tend to have during oral sex. I always feel like I take too long and am wasting the other person’s time. But with a foot fetish partner, your toes can rub on his cock while he goes down on you, so it’s reciprocating and not as “selfish”. But then, that only helps with my hang up.
I agree that the foot fetish GF should probably at least be willing to try, but I wonder what else there is to the story that’s missing. I know if I was dating a girl that was interested into that, I wouldn’t want it. For one, it doesn’t really do anything for me (though I’m willing to indulge in things that doesn’t do much for me), and two, I’d probably end up kicking her in the face because my feet are very fucking ticklish. Safety first. To say she’s selfish off the bat without knowing anymore is jumping the gun a bit.
@98, there’s a difference between monogamy and a species mating for life. If the human species mated for life in the same sense that some species do, we’d never feel attracted to anyone but the one we lost our virginity to. Species that mate for life really do mate for life. No step parents or break ups. One partner ever, species wide. The fact that we can consciously choose to immitate that behavior does not classify us as a species that mates for life. My great grandmother remarried after my great grandfather died. She mated for their lives, but not for here. Get it?
SFF, 23 is young to be settling down with and settling for a person who doesn’t share your tastes. You would always wonder how it could and should have been different.
For those questioning the possibity of a power dynamic being the problem, you’ve got it reversed. It’s not “I want to worship your feet because I’m in charge” — it’s her being placed on top, and she may not want to be there.
Helgaleena has happy feet now that she has quit neglecting them in order to have ‘kissable toes’… just saying.
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Two quick points – anal sex isn’t a “fetish”. Look up the word.
And the other – it’s kind of condescending to call someone’s foot fetish “tame”, “boring”, “no big deal”, etc. I dated a guy with a foot fetish and we were together for a *long* time before he “came out” about it. Each relationship he enters is at risk with this revelation of kink, just like any other kink.
#35, love the name! I agree 100% with you comments, why the double standard? Makes my blood boil!
As far as monogamy is concerned, every individual is oh, I don’t know individual!
Dan, thanks for the thought provoking columns, my life broadened considerably when I found you!
#35, love the name! I agree 100% with you comments, why the double standard? Makes my blood boil!
As far as monogamy is concerned, every individual is oh, I don’t know individual!
Dan, thanks for the thought provoking column, my life broadened considerably when I found you!
@35 – Thank you! You are right on the money.
I think the world is completely insane and brainwashed sometimes. I see this Tiger Woods thing on the news for the first time at work and I say, “wait–she beat the crap out of him with a golf club?” and the hens around the table are saying he “deserved it.” I make the point that beating someone so that he will want to be faithful to you is batshit insane, and the hens tell me “yeah, so he won’t do it again.”
Uh–yeah. This is the mentality I work with. And apparently, this is the bats;hit sociopathy of some of the people who read the Stranger.
Are you all out there beating the shit out of each other in order to fix your relationships (fetishes aside) and telling yourselves that this is your karmic reward for millenia of sexism? Because I feel totally sorry for you, if this is what your life is like.
Rationality goes along with honesty, and, believe it or not, it works with love MUCH better than some bullshit idea of romance. Having a happy life is the point, sociopaths. Not “winning.”
As much as I love Dan, I’m a little sick of this “everyone must accept non-monogamy” line I keep hearing. Just because one partner wants sex more often (or ‘a little variety’) than the other does not mean every partner should willingly accept that.
There are a lot of issues with non-monogamy that I would not want in a relationship. One, time- the time a man spent looking for new sex partners is time he wouldn’t be spending with me, his friends, his job, or his hobbies. There’s a limited number of hours in the day. Two, disease- condoms simply do not cover all diseases (plus they break, so if there’s a man and woman involved, there is a risk of pregnancy), and multiple sex partners mean multiple tests and the possibility of disease. Third, the actual breakup of the relationship caused by new sex partners. It’s not just about “The One” or “endless love”.
I know people who make non-monogamy work. And that’s great for them. But it’s not for me, and people should not be pressured into accepting it because their partner is somehow entitled to fuck other people. Like Dan said, a foot fetish is just a small private thing, so why not just indulge your partner if you love them- but I feel non-monogamy is a much bigger deal than a foot fetish.
I have not seen a post on monogamy that deals with the emotional issue. We don’t know if animals have the same emotions as us so it’s not a very relevant comparison. My husband after 15 years wants to be with other woman, have “variety”. Knowing him as well as I do, I know that he would never be able to have sex without the risk of being emotionally involved. That’s the problem, you risk connecting with another person and you have a wife and kids at home counting on you to be there. Even if everyone agrees, how do you garantee you won’t fall in love?
SFF should find a person that appreciates his fetish. That would have been me 20 years ago. If she isn’t into it now, trust me it only gets worse. I can’t even get the hubby to rub my feet let alone do anything kinky with them. Run and find your “soul” mate.
Why is everyone more interested in Mr. Woods’ apparently excessive dance card than in Mrs. Woods having apparently committed assault with a deadly weapon?
Ok- He cheated and that sucks, that hurts- leave him, forgive him,stay and make him pay for his errors for the rest of his days, whatever but NOTHING justifies assaulting your partner.
@16 FTW!
I love that Dan is working in a reference to the “Christian side hug”, and I appreciate that he’s including it in a list of scary kinks like choking and shit. I still laugh when thinking about that vid put up here on Slog a week (or two?) ago.
Dan, you have run “foot fetish not being indulged” complaints more than once, and it’s always a guy with the fetish complaining. You always come down like the proverbial ton on the partner. You might want to ask a question, though. Is the man treating his partner like a pair of feet that happen to have a girl attached? If she does indulge him, does he immediately obsess and demand more? I was once in this situation and I figured, well, what the hell, it’s harmless and SHAZAM, there went the sex life into nothing but feet. YAWN. When someone tells you their partner’s being completely, incomprehensibly unreasonable, please remember it takes two to tango, and there’s a good chance the unself-aware letter writer is dancing hard as well. I doubt it was “no, not feet, not ever” straight out of the box, it probably became “no more feet, no way, you haven’t gone down on me in six months!”
HNM, not getting to completely indulge your sex drive is the price you pay for a solid relationship, OK? It’s not some major existential conflict that your soul can’t abide; it’s something most people in committed relationships live with every day. You’ll survive, trust me. A solid relationship is a hell of a lot harder to find than sex. If you can’t, please end your relationship with what sounds like a jewel of a girl so some decent guy who understands reality and commitment can treat her right.
I gotta put this out there – feet gross me the fuck OUT! anybody’s feet. I am morally opposed to sandals – I don’t wanna see everybody’s skanky toes! and pedicures?? GAH! the thought of some stranger missing with my feet in a bowl of hot water that have had other nasty feet in it – not to mention attacking my toes with used instruments – makes me want to HURL. And I am fiendishly ticklish to boot, so it wouldn’t work. I’d consider myself GGG, but feet are a no-go for me. (and toe sucking/licking? I would NEVER EVER kiss that person again!)
*shudders indelicately*
I think I’d say find some female friend of ours, give her a pedi monthly, and then come home and do ME all night. 🙂
Oh the poor abused and persecuted monogamous. ..you poor people, you’re such a fucking abused minority. Shut the fuck up and read Dear Amy if Dan pisses you off so much, but the empirical evidence and logic are really on Dan’s side on this one. Get over it already you fucking whiners.
Has SFF talked to his girlfriend about why she won’t indulge his fetish? She may be a selfish bitch, or she may have a good reason. I’m pretty open to a range of sexual activities, but one thing I cannot stand to have fingers stuck in my vagina. Anywhere else, fine, but not there. I had some bad experiences in the gynecologist’s office when trying to get pelvic pain treated, and since then, the thought of fingers in my vagina freaks me out. I’m anxious just thinking about it while writing this. SFF needs to make sure his girlfriend doesn’t have a good reason for refusing to indulge his fetish- maybe she’s had bad experiences in the past. As Dan has pointed out, if you can’t talk to someone about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.
Shout out @68 Lucas!@!@!@!
Thank you @105. BTW @108, Zukomi said “Foot fetishism is frequently not just about the feet,” not “is NEVER just about the feet.” It sounded like Zukomi’s experience. If your experience was different, @108, and it worked for you, then sweet. Thanks @118; this has more often been my experience.
@128: COMPLETELY. America is F@$K’D UP. Glorify violence, yet obsess about repressed sexual fantasies…We can do better.
BTW yes Happy Hannukah, folks. And best of luck avoiding America’s Consumerist Holiday. Go have yourselves some nice, juicy full-frontal (hugs).
Savage means that “cheating is natural to HIM”,is what he means;and that it’s difficult for HIM not to cheat.People are always talking about themselves,personally,not anyone else.
The most sensitive part of a woman’s body is her feet.Foot massages by the opposite sex are extremely sexually arousing.-or they can be.And very pleasurable,relaxing.Just a thought;maybe his girlfriend is afraid to “let go”,relax,or feel that much sensation.Or,prudish.(“No,I don’t believe in that!”)
This column is supposed to be “Savage Love”but it usually ends up being about”Savage Sex”.Nothing wrong with people liking sex,but,to listen to S.,sometimes,there is nothing else BUT SEX in a relationship,and the big goal is to satisfy that,even if it hurts your loving partner.The problem with cheating,is,once you start,you might fall in love with the new person,and the partner gets kicked to the curb,along with the partnership.Have we learned anything from watching politicians cheat on their wives,in front of the whole country?Most wives would like to NOT KNOW,if the old man cheats once,on the side,cause they need to save face.
The foot fetish thing: the girlfriend clearly finds it a turn off, and quite possibly will lose respect/sexual feelings towards the boyfriend if he insists on indulging it. I know I would be totally, permanently turned off a guy who revealed he was into adult diapers for example. Unfair? Maybe. But undeniable. Feet I haven’t considered. But honestly, yes, I think I’d lose respect for someone who needed to fetishise something like a foot. Or a shoe. Or anything else that isn’t more specifically a sexual organ. Breasts/legs/genitals/curves – fine. But not feet.
At any rate, clearly this couple is not really compatible long term. Not because he has a fetish, but because of this: “I’m at a stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish.”
What a whingey, indulgent, self-help piece of crap. Who here went through a “process” of “sexual growth”? Most of us lost our virginity, went through a few partners, maybe learned a few tricks along the way. That’s it. It just happens. “I’m a at stage…” etc sounds like frankly he’s looking for ways to become more hardcore in his fetishes.
And Charlie: no one could have put it better than you. Monogamy is a valid choice. It’s also to some extent a sacrifice of thrills, adventure, and sexual variety. Not a big sacrifice though, assuming you and your partner are sexually imaginative and generous. But what you gain, in terms of commitment and intimacy with a long-term partner, is worth that sacrifice.
The Tiger thing? There were two issues here. Either a guy genuinely falls in love with another woman, can’t bear to leave his wife, and has a long-term affair/”second wife” or mistress French-style. Or a guy has a big libido and ego and feeds it with a long string of lapdancers and strippers and party girls. What goes on tour stays on tour. But it didn’t with Tiger, did it? He enjoyed lengthy relationships and relationship intimacy with at least a dozen different women. It was far more than just sex and a high libido. No wonder his wife is devastated.
I believe Dan’s advice was accurate about SFF and his foot fetish. If his fantasies aren’t fulfilled, he will become a cpos. It would only be his fault is he didn’t do something about it before it made him become a cpos. I have a PhD in human psychology and I agree with his response. I enjoy how blunt this guy is! I really enjoy your column Dan Savage.
I have a question for those of you who successfully manage non-monogamy: assume you have the “one relationship partner, many sex partners” model going on. What happens if your relationship partner gets emotionally hurt by one of his or her lovers on the side? I know that relationship isn’t supposed to have the emotional connection yours does, but getting your feelings hurt – maybe just a little – can be a hazard of even the most casual sexual relationships. So, do you end up having to comfort your partner when he or she gets dumped on? Or at least having to put up with a sulky mood until your partner gets over it? Or do you expect him or her to hide the feelings?
This is an honest question, no kind of judgement. I don’t know how this works for people and I’m just curious.
Tiger Woods’s wife didn’t actually go after him with a nine iron. She was trying to help him get out of the car. “Wife beats husband with golf club” makes a funnier SNL sketch and late-night topten than “Wife pauses in middle of spouse fight to help spouse exit ruined vehicle,” but in this case it’s had the side effect of completely misinforming the public if even writers like Mr. Savage think the story is real.
Yes, it is messed-up for the media to condone spousal abuse, regardless of the gender of the abusing spouse, but what we should be wondering about is why we’re reacting to something that DIDN’T HAPPEN.
I’ve always thought saying monogamy wasn’t natural was just an excuse by people trying to get out of trouble. It really is simple if you want to have more than one partner at a time don’t get married.
Every open relationship I’ve ever known involved one person who was happy to have it all ( dedicated mate/the chance to date) and another person or two who were going along with it but really not the least bit happy with it. (And the former was invariably a pretty selfish a-hole). Ergo I can’t help thinking about it as something that sounds great in theory but most of the time, in actual practice, you probably can’t really have the best of both worlds. The vigorously nonmonogamous still want the kind of deep relationship that comes with exclusivity; the deeply attached monogamous still want variety. But hell, isn’t that the way most things in life are? Most people can’t manage to have millions of dollars and lots of leisure time, too. If the bucks are that important you, you’re going to make sacrifices to get them. If never having to do anything you don’t wanna do is that paramount, you’re going to have to give up some material comfort. Yeah, you can tweak it somewhat, but most of the time life means making trade-offs and dealing with it.
polyamory/monogamy; foot fetishists; “the smell of anal” ?!?!
@144 – Mike1222, tell yourself what to do. Please don’t assume you know what’s best for me. My marriage to my husband is none of your business. We are non-monogamous and married and it works for us. Our marriage, our rules.
@142 -Magpie, I can’t speak for anyone’s relationship but my own. I have had an emotional connection to my other partner(s). Like any relationship, there are emotional risks. Yes, I comforted my sweetie when another person “dumped on” them. Even when I was RELIEVED that the offending person had left the scene. (One person was mean to one of my guys, one person tried to convince one of my guys to leave me – bzzzt, wrong answer!)
@94 – XoXo, ME, TOO! I adore having my feet attended to. Maybe I’ll have to audition for that position! 🙂
@ 85 – Portland Scribe, oh, I hope you are kidding about “the smell of anal”! If the anus being penetrated smells funky, it’s because it’s not clean enough. Find yourself Tristan Taormino’s book about anal sex for women. (Or contact me to purchase a copy.) There’s a LOT to know about anal, it can be way fun!
@27, I agree with you. I’m monogamous, and I prefer things this way simply because there’s probably 80% less drama in my life this way. I also have been cheated on in the past, and I don’t like the feelings that came with it. I am hardwired to not accept that my mate has chosen to go to someone else for something that I could provide. If I haven’t been providing, what are the circumstances? There are always ways around relationship issues if you just talk, and not assume.
Tiger Woods. The only thing that baffles me about that whole situation is why he even bothered to get married in the first place. If you didn’t want a monogamous relationship, why did you marry her? Did she pressure you? Make threats? That’s no better than cheating, so it seems to me that they could very well both be in the wrong here.
Either way, this whole thing could have been headed off at the pass if they had both been honest with each other, no matter how much it hurts.
SFF’s girlfriend is missing an important opportunity. He could be giving her pedicures and foot massages every night. That would make them both feel good. What’s wrong with that? It’s not like he wants to poo into her mouth or something.
I happen to think some humans are “wired” for monogamy..I was in a 23 yr relationship and never cheated or wanted to (and am as sure as it is humanly possible to be that he never did either). Now that I am “single” for the first time since age 19, (due to his death a few yrs ago) I find I am just not cut out for the whole one-night-stand/casual sex thing…I’ve had plenty of offers and chances, but it just doesn’t do it for me. I realize I HAVE to have some deeper connection to a partner AND while I am totally fine with the idea of an honest, safe, open relationship, I could never go there..it is just against my nature. Guess I am a goose (one of the many species who mate for life…we had a gander when I was a kid whose mate was killed and we tried several times to replace her to no avail..he just ignored or attacked them and lived the rest of his days a mean, bitter old beast!…I hope my fate is more promising, lol)
P.S. the key is in people knowing and being honest about THEIR “wiring”…yes, some of us ARE wired to cheat, and if so, we need to accept that and structure our lives around the fact so as not to leave a swath or destruction in our wake.
@147 but there is something you can’t provide a cheating lover – someone else. Every hole might feel the same in the dark, but you aren’t a redhead and a brunette and a blonde, you aren’t asian and white and black and hispanic and arabic, you aren’t tall and short and thin and fat. We don’t expect anyone to only have one friend ever – we see those people as weird, in fact. We don’t expect people to only eat one type of dinner ever – macaroni for every meal would be boring. Yet society often expects a person to be 100% fulfilled by their spouse/lover/partner/whatever, for as far as 80+ years? Macaroni can be your most favoritestestest meal, but you’re probably going to be eyeballing some chicken salad after a few years of just macaroni. It can be the same with people, too, you know.
And for the record, I’m a guy who is utterly grossed out by feet. Toes in particular. I would rather eat shit or fuck a dog than suck on some toes. So all you people talking about how it’s not really that bad? For some people, it can be. Ultimatums are BS, but if I were given one I’d have to say goodbye. I can be GGG in almost any area except that, and for all we know, so is this woman. Maybe she’d be willing to spank him, change his diaper, peg him, pick up strange so he can beat it furiously later for him, but this one thing is just over the limit. Everyone’s got different limits.