I’m a recovering anorexic and I am still struggling a great deal to eat normal and healthy portions of food. A friend and I have recently become “friends with benefits.” He lives very far away, so we primarily indulge through IMs. He knows I have issues with food, though he doesn’t know to what extent. Normally, I try to be GGG, even trying out a bit of vore in our role-playing and making it a regular thing since he really enjoys it. Recently, though, he brought up adding pregnancy play to our games, and I’m terrified of trying it. Just the thought of it is a bit triggering to me, and I’m so scared that actually trying it will be even more triggering, not to mention my fear that, once we finally get together again physically, he will want to indulge in pregnancy play with me wearing one of those fake-stomach things.

Am I overreacting? Should I just try it at least once? How do I explain to him that I’m scared that something he finds exciting could send me right back into the starving hell I was dealing with just a month ago?

Fearing Erotic Deeds

“Where to start?” asks Brian, a straight, married Catholic guy who won the right to give advice in this space via Strangercrombie. (Yes, yes: Writing an advice column is a sacred trust—blah blah what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you-Savage blah—and letting some auction winner rummage through my e-mail is a brutal violation of that trust, etc., etc., and I’m a bad, bad man, etc., etc.)

“That you are having trouble eating anywhere close to normal shows that you have not fully recovered from your anorexia,” Brian continues. “And that you’re worrying about pregnancy play and its effects on your psyche tells me that you are not even in the recovering phase yet. Pregnant does not equal fat. I’m not even sure that fake pregnant equals fake fat, but that is beside the point. While pregnant women can become fat, and fat women can become pregnant, the two have very little to do with each other.”

Let me break in here for a second: Vore play, FED? Really? Is that wise? Vore, for the uninitiated, is short for vorarephilia, which involves fantasies about being eaten or eating. It’s hard to imagine a more potentially damaging fantasy role-play scenario for a recovering anorexic than vore, for crying out loud, particularly when that anorexic has only been “recovering” for a month.

“If strapping a plastic baby bump under your T-shirt is going to send you back to Starvingtown, USA,” Brian advises, “then you need to address these issues with professional counseling. GGG or not, you are no good to your current FWB, any future ones, or yourself if you don’t get past this.”

Dan again: Frankly, FED, I’d advise you to give sex a rest for the moment. You don’t have to be 100 percent recovered before you become sexually active again, of course, but I’m concerned about your judgment and that your FWB—who knows that you have “issues with food”—would pursue these particular fantasy scenarios.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years. We have a really great relationship and we talk out any issues that arise, but right now we have a problem that can’t really be talked out. He has a really close female friend whom he supposedly has no romantic feelings for whatsoever. I get along pretty well with her. But recently, he has started to get our names mixed up. The first time he did it to me, we were on the phone. He said, “I love you, [insert her name].” It was upsetting, but I brushed it off as a one-time brain fart. But since then, he’s done it a half a dozen more times. We’ve talked about it, and he says he has no idea why he does it and that it doesn’t mean anything, but it still hurts me so much when it happens. Is it possible that it really means nothing? How can I just ignore it?

Hurt And Confused

“What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?” asks Brian. “You are about to find out. Heads you cut him loose and move on; tails you pass off his name switching as a brain fart and don’t give it another thought.”

Brian isn’t serious about the coin toss; he just wants to draw attention to your predicament and the choice you face. At least I think that’s what he means. Okay, back to Brian:

“Either you believe they are just friends or you don’t. My suspicion is that you feel threatened by this girl. The tone of your letter also implies that if you did pressure him, you believe he would choose her over you. But maybe not—I really have no way of knowing.”

And that’s what separates the advice professionals from the auction-winning
amateurs. Now, Brian’s a lovely guy and he’s doing a great job—and he made a sizable donation to three worthy charities—but advice professionals never let not knowing stop us from making definitive pronouncements: Your boyfriend may have feelings for this other woman, HAC, and feelings for you that are just as strong or stronger. Whether or not you should DTMFA depends entirely on how strong your feelings are for him.

Okay, now back to Brian. It turns out that he is serious about a coin toss: “Go to the nearest vending machine,” Brian says, “and buy a can of Coke for 75 cents. Use the quarter you get back for that coin toss. If you find out later that your decision was wrong, then so be it. But to live in a state of paranoia about a name slip seems silly.”

In your advice last week to Lonely One Seeks Ties you said, “Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM…” I’ve attended various munches on a regular basis, and I’d have to say that over half of the regular attendees at each of them are not straight. The folks at the monthly munch I attend include my Husband/Owner (pansexual trans man), a gay male couple, a straight male/bisexual female couple, a lesbian possibly accompanied by one of her female partners/submissives, a hetero couple (at least as they present straight), a single bisexual man, a crossdressing male, and a straight man with two bisexual female submissives. Munches are for everyone!

Bad Dan’s Silly Munchconception

Sorry about that, BDSM.

I’ve actually never been to a munch, and the people I know who go are straight or, um, “straight presenting.” The fags I know into BDSM—hey guys!—have a much easier time finding partners than my straight kinky pals, which perhaps makes munches less necessary for gays, if no less welcoming of gays. Straights tend to be more invested in “normal”—and quicker to freak out about kinks—than proud-to-be-abnormal homos.

But I stand corrected: Munches are for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up.

Any takers?

HEY, READERS: Why not be like Brian and make a donation to a worthy charity? The people of Haiti could really use your help. I made a donation at www.redcross.org. You should, too. And fuck Pat Robertson and his vile, hateful, santorum-spewing mouth.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

115 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. All I can say for HAC is… In the same situation, I’d probably be feeling the same way. Sympathies, love.

    Still, it may be nothing. It may be a silly crush. But the thing about silly crushes is, if you can work through it (and want to work through it) together, they don’t have to be destructive.

    Besides… who knows. Maybe you have similar voices. Lol.

    That said, don’t stay in a relationship that has brought such painful insecurities to the forefront unless it’s worth it.

  4. One thing that occurs to me with HAC is: how similar are her and the Other Woman’s names? I have two friends named Hailey and Taylor, and though they appear to be completely different names, the predominant “A as in Gray” in the middle causes me to mix them up terribly. They are two very different people with very different personalities and appearances, and yet I get their names mixed up just because of the sound!

    Just a thought I felt worth sharing. Keep up the good work fellas!

  5. Hey FED,
    I’ve been in starving hell anorexia land, and eventually I got back to normal eating land again. One of the big keys was a very sweet, supportive and caring boyfriend. This guy was sensitive and never pushed me to do anything.
    I think that the things this guy wants to play with you with are kind of insensitive, given the mental state you’re coming probably from. Be bold enough to tell him no, especially if you think what he’s suggesting will be a trigger for you. And also, be bold enough to leave him if he’s pressuring you. Have the self esteem to know that you *are* beautiful, and not fat, and not ugly, and that a better guy to help you and support you really will come along eventually.
    *hugs* hon, anorexia land is no fun. I’ve been recovered for several years, but I still avoid triggers like the plague.
    Best of luck!

  6. FED should also come clean to her FWB about her issues with pregnancy play. She doesn’t need to get into the details of why, but being honest that it makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to participate should be enough.

  7. Hey Dan, the Red Cross isn’t a very good organization. It is not efficient, does not have a good reputation in the places it has recently helped, and is not established in any one community, so it can’t transition a situation back to any semblance of normalcy with the input of local people.

    It is much better to give to an organization that has been working in Haiti for a long time with many international affiliations, a strong reputation, and a powerful connection to the country itself. I recommend Partners in Health, which is somewhat famous for being a particularly successful organization in the graveyard of development projects that Haiti has long been.

    Please donate at:
    http://www.standwithhaiti.org/haiti

  8. HAC, I’ve been there. Happily married to the love of my life. But there was an incident once with her best friend. Terribly embarrassing.

    I walked up behind her and kissed her on the back of the neck, thinking she was my girlfriend (now wife). They look very similar from behind, having the same hair, skin tone, body shape, taste in clothes, etc. We were both horrified, but got over it.

    I should add that I had just gotten up off the couch from a totally wicked weed/wine/beer marathon session. Could inebriation play into your boyfriend’s brain farts? If so, do you consider it a problem, or is it ok if he gets fucked up? Cut him a bit of slack, but if you think he’s really got a thing for her, then do something.

  9. As someone who has worked in non-profits for years, I strongly recommend donating to Haitian through an established relief organization rather than the Red Cross. The Red Cross is famous for accepting donations for specific disasters (9/11, Katrina), then keeping the money rather than channeling it to the immediate disaster. It is not a government organization, and there is very little oversight. I worked for/with several people who worked for the RC and I could tell you stories that would make your hair fall out. Your Catholic, Lutheran, Episcopal, what-have-you local church should be able to direct your funds in such a way that they will actually get to those in need in Haiti. The Salvation Army is also a good organization for actually using the disaster money for the disaster victims, as opposed to handing out 6 and 7 figure salaries or letting the funds sit indefinitely in the bank, accruing interest…Not trying to foist religion, just trying to get the funds to the folks who need it.

    And for the best response to Pat ROBertson’s comment, see http://www.startribune.com/opinion/lette…

    Thanks for everything, Dan!

  12. “But I stand corrected: Munches are for everyone. I should’ve checked with a regular munch-goer, and someone really ought to punish me for screwing this up. Any takers?”

    And just how much would I need to donate for this privilege, and to whom? Somewhere, there are legions of gay male/queer-friendly female tops who need to clean their pants after that invitation.

  13. If anyone else hadn’t already, I was going to mention it: About 2/3 of the money going into the Red Cross vanishes into the organization for “overhead” or “expenses” and is never seen by anyone who actually needs it. A trusted acquaintance of mine used to work for them and has shared some pretty specific numbers (I think he might have said that no more than 37% actually goes to the people being helped by the Red Cross, but don’t quote me on that).

  14. My advice to HAC would be: I don’t know if your boyfriend loves the other woman, or even cheats on you with her, but he better find out why he says her name instead of yours. It’s not your business to come to terms with this hurtful habit. It’s his business to make himself stop, and if he can’t do it on his own, he should see professional help. (I’m not recommending a full psychoanalysis, just a little help in getting this worked out.)

  16. dear FED–

    do what you can to avoid triggers–taking care of yourself if the most important thing right now. I struggled with ED for years, and for the past three have been “recovered”–but I still, like @6, avoid triggers like the plague. I can deal with them better now than I could a few years ago, but if you’re a scant month into recover, you should not be flirting with the edge like that. If this guy respects you, he should respect the boundaries you set. Being GGG doesn’t mean you have to do *everything.* Good luck!

  17. If FED can’t stand up for herself or at least steer an IM conversation to something she enjoys talking about, I would gently suggest some serious counseling around setting boundaries and self-esteem. Often people with anorexia have control issues, and eating is the one thing they know they can control with an iron fist. Ultimately, the disorder controls the sufferer – what a slap in the face! I’ve always been at the other end – fat – and I think I’ve suffered less than my anorexic sisters and brothers because I have an amazing sense of self-esteem (most days!). FED, I wish you well. You can be sexy at any weight, but “healthy” and “confident” are the best attractants, outside of pheremones!

  18. “FWB” does have “friend” built right in, there. If you can’t trust him something that’s a huge part of your choices and mindframe right now, I’m not sure he’s the right partner for any kind of sex play that requires… trust.

    Also, for HAC: I kept calling my sister in law (joined the family in 2005) by my dog’s name (joined my family in 2006) for a solid year. They didn’t sound that much alike, either. I have no idea why I was doing it. I really like my sister in law, and I eventually managed to stop. If he looks horrified every time he does it, just laugh. If he gets defensive and says you’re the one with the problem, dump him.

  20. Also: where is Brian that a vending-machine can of Coke only costs 75 cents? Criminy! It’s like a buck and a half everywhere I look.

  21. FED:
    You tell someone that their fetish freaks you out (and is potentially VERy DAMAGING to your psyche!) by being upfront about it. Being GGG does NOT mean sacrificing your health, mental or otherwise.

    HAC:
    I’m a person who has trouble with keeping names straight (I’ve called significant others,both mae and female, by my brothers’ names on occasion!) It means very ltitle other than that we happened to be having a conversation that was similar to ones I’d had with my brothers inth e past.
    Given those circumstances, however, the fact that your boyfriend’s slip-ups involve “I love you” should be a bit of a red flag…

  22. I think FED should definitely (a) seek counseling, if she’s not already, and (b) come completely clean to the FWB, because if these are his fetishes, it’s essential that he knows exactly how they effect you. It could be that he’s got plenty of other kinks and he’d gladly switch things up if he knew how triggering these are. If he’s not more concerned about your health than about his weight- and eating-related kinks, then dump him ASAP.

    You don’t mention how long you’ve struggled with anorexia, but you might know that the longer you go without attaining recovery (or at least help), the worse your chances of ever fully recovering. I started restricting back in middle school, and due to clueless parents and therapists, things got out of hand and I had to be hospitalized several times. I didn’t fully recover until I was out of college.

    Playing around with triggering kinks just seems too dangerous, in my experience, to try so early in recovery. Your long-term health and your *life* aren’t worth that risk.

  23. I was the girl whose name was getting mistakenly said by my male friend to his wife instead of saying his wife’s name. It was very uncomfortable for me, too. He always said it was because the names “sounded” the same in his head,(Helen/Lisa) but ultimately, that was not really the main cause. We just got too close to each other. He finally confessed to me that he was more emotionally anchored to me than I realized, or than he should be as a married man, and that he felt more connected to me than to his wife. I’ve since considered chronic “slips” like that to be a good indicator of where someone’s heart is, if not his brain.

  25. Vore play often involves the fantasy of being tiny and crawling into and/or being crushed by the vagina… not always about eating. Can be swallowed alive by something other than a mouth.

    Not that I’d expect many of your experiences with vore to involve vaginas, Dan. 😉

  26. Charity Navigator gives the Red Cross three stars (out of a possible four), which suggests it does not suck as hard as some commenters suggest. However, Charity Navigator also has a long list of four-star charities that are involved in Haiti. AmeriCares looks like it is one of the most efficient, but there are many others.

  28. So HAC could consider that her BF does have romantic feelings, and they could all get along. I’m surprised Dan didn’t bring up the possibility of an open, honest relationship between the three of them. It doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game.
    That said-my brothers often call me by their wive’s names but I doubt they’re harboring romantic fantasies. At least I really hope they aren’t.

  29. All I have to say to HURT and CONFUSED (bad english and all) is: Aint NO WAY in HELL…” DTMFA already.

    The fact that he has said those things so many times to you means that these are things he ROUTINELY says to her.

  30. I agree that Partners in Health is a better choice for helping Haitians that the Red Cross. I donated to them a few days ago, and the emails they are sending me detail the work they are doing, and the situation in Haiti. Paul Farmer started PIH to get Haitians the help they need in TB and HIV treatment. His TB protocol has been adopted in many countries, and shows better results than other ways of treating TB. PIH health care professionals are on the ground running, b/c they are already established in Haiti, know the culture and many ARE Haitians!

    Look it up and donate!

  31. FED needs to stay the hell away from things that threaten her mental (and in this case, physical) health. Be GGG when you’re all better. Until then, you need to take care of yourself. Get rid of anyone who wants vore-play or pg-play while knowing you have “issues” with food. For real. And yeah, you need help, so get some – why go it alone?

    As for HAC, and I’m not proud to say this, but that ‘I love you (insert female friend’s name here)’ would make me apeshit. I mix up my husband’s name occasionally with other people’s, but never after an ‘I love you’. I’d be willing to let that one go, but it would raise a red flag. Furthermore, since it seems to be openning up the floodgates a little bit, I would be flexing my muscles on this one. He needs to get his woman’s name effing straight. I don’t care if he’s the type of guy who mixes up names (which HAC didn’t mention him having a history of) or the names sounding similar (which HAC didn’t mention being a possible cause). All it takes is a little effort on his part to not accidentally (ie, thoughtlessly) say something that would hurt his girlfriend’s feelings. I don’t think that’s asking TOO much.

  32. @19: “If he looks horrified every time he does it, just laugh. If he gets defensive and says you’re the one with the problem, dump him.”

    Right on. If it bugs you, keep telling him to try harder. You’re not wrong to feel hurt.

  33. I have four guys in my life who have very different names and very different personalities, my husband, my brother and two sons. When I start calling for one I frequently have to go down the whole list till I get to the right name with a lot of J..R..P..E..etc. I’m voting for the slip of the tongue.
    Also, to Fed, DTMFA, I get the sense that he’s playing on your issues intentionally to torture you.

  34. My husband’s name is Dan. My dad’s name is Dad. Whenever the family is together, I mix them up. Everyone laughs at me, but no one thinks I’m into my dad.

  35. I come from a largish family where my parents never could get our names straight, often going through the whole list before they got the right one, so I have a lot of sympathy for HAC. (Some will say that it’s different for a parent to call one child another child’s name since parents are supposed to love their children equally and therefore there is no implied disrespect; I can only say that when the family got a dog, the dog’s name joined the list.)

    However, I do think that Brian got one thing right when he said that it appeared that HAC felt threatened by her guy’s female friend. HAC should realize that the real issue here isn’t the inability to get the names straight, but rather whether her guy’s friendship is unhealthy to their relationship. It could be unhealthy even if there is no sexual relationship, or even sexual attraction, between her guy and his friend, for example, if they are so emotionally close that it doesn’t leave sufficient emotional room for him to form a strong inimate relationship with HAC, or at least as strong a relationship as she wants.

    I would not have a problem with my partner having a close friend of my sex as long as it was clear what the primary emotional support and intimacy was between my partner and I. If that wasn’t the case then the relationship might still work for some people but it wouldn’t for me.

    HAC should look at the big underlying problem and not the minor symptom. My parents’ trouble with names is a non-issue (except as a joke) for my siblings and I because we are confident that our parents love us as parents should. HAC obviously doesn’t have the same confidence, although she needs to decide if that is her problem or her guy’s. Perhaps the best way of looking at it is that it’s a problem for both of them if they want to stay together and they need to work on it together

  36. @minteh:

    Actually, the vagina is the one hole that isn’t considered vore. Going in that way is unbirthing.

    When not otherwise specified, vore is presumed to involve being eaten in the traditional sense. To no surprise, almost all instances of vore is done through roleplaying, typically online.

    Oh, and since Dan thinks he should be punished:

    (Releases giant, unpopable, balloon animal which runs up to Dan.)

    *SLURP*

    (Watches the balloon puppy romp around with Dan in its belly.)

  38. On mixing up names. It is also possible that he is mixing up names because he is trying so hard not to. If he sensed your discomfort the first time, his mind may be thinking, “Don’t say Jane, don’t say Jane, don’t say Jane” and then Jane is the first thing that comes out.

    This happens to me all the time.

    It’s a pretty common phenomenon and seen in Tourette’s too.

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg16…

    It’s kind of interesting to read about.

    But the question still comes back to: is he avoiding saying the name because he’s seeing her or because he doesn’t want to hurt you.

  39. Dan, is there any place on the internet where you have collected a sort of summary of your views on stuff? Like, as a long time reader, I have a sort of general sense of where you’ll stand on things like monogamy (nearly impossible!), pornography (healthy!), kink (GGG!), and a number of other things. I also tend to agree with you on a lot of these things. You are a much better writer than I am a talker, and as such I wanted to be able to show people (friends, a potential girlfriend, whatever) a professionally written explanation of why these things are so obviously true in my mind.

    If this sounds really daunting, I’d also just appreciate it if you or someone could find me the column / podcast where you explained why and how “what are you into?” is such a great question, as a friend of mine was complaining the other day about how awkward it was to bring up spanking mid-coitus.

  40. Suggestion for a charity to support for Haiti: The Episcopal Church Emergency and Development Fund. The Episcopal Church has been supporting Haiti and has had contacts there all along. So giving to them would do two things: Support a GGG religion and get $$ direct to where it is needed.

    http://www.er-d.org/

  41. @HAC. I’ve been known to call the boyfriend by the brother’s name and vice-versa. No, there’s nothing scandalous there; I just hang out with the both of them a lot. So, although I know that it hurts when another woman’s name is the tagline to “I love you.” I really do think this could be an innocent slip-up (unless you have another reason to believe otherwise).

  42. HAC my BF sometimes slips and calls me by his ex-ex-gf’s name. The first time he did it he was mortified and coulnd’t stop apologizing. I could not have cared any less. Slip of tongue…brain fart…big deal!

    It still happens every now and then and only with this particular ex-ex-gf and I still don’t care and he still gets all upset (it’s rather funny honestly). I think maybe 4x or 5x have been after a quick “I love you” and I honestly haven’t given it a moment’s thought. I’ll put that down to being 100% confident and secure in him, myself and us.

    So from my point of view, it appears you are already insecure about something else in the relationship (perhaps his female friend). You need to address that and stop dwelling on the slip up with names. That is not the issue.

    And finally, this may not be in line with the Sisterhood, but if you have no other complaints or concerns other than he occasionally calls you someone else’s name, then do him a favour and leave already. I would NOT be comfortable with my partner holding slips-of-tongue against me or otherwise getting in a tizzy over something so simple. So again, examine why YOU are so insecure about this.

    Good luck!

  43. I had the name slip up happen with my former boyfriend. Every time we visited one of my really good friends (whom earlier in life I was convinced I would marry), I’d start mixing up their names. It didn’t mean I loved my guy any less, but probably did stem from the romantic feelings I had had for the other guy.

  44. FED
    Though there are at least a few reasons one develops anorexia nervosa, the fact that pregnancy-play was a trigger for FED reminded me of my own history with anorexia which was caused by a social fear not always acknowledged in association with the disorder. I’m not trying to psycho-analyze FED or offer a cure but perhaps sharing my story can be a cogent facet to the fractured looking glass she’s looking through right now.
    My own anorexia began to appear when I was on the verge of puberty. By denying myself sustenance I was able to successfully delay most signs puberty by about ten years and avoid what to me at the time was the mortifying transmogrification of maturity (what a healthy person might have called blossoming into womanhood.) Though I was comfortable being admired for boy-like androgyny, being regarded as sexy for any feminine aspect of a physique which threatened to develop, would send me back to the pool for a hundred more laps (unlike Michael Phelps, swimming made me too tired to eat.)
    Why did I not want to be a woman?
    There may be a few reasons why a person does not want to develop the sex they are born with, mine was not a transgender issue. Mine was a misogyny issue. This was difficult to recognize because I did not feel like I hated women. Rather I hated the idea of being a woman and I feared the restrictions that being a woman would place on me. Emblematic of the greatest restriction of all is procreation; being pregnant, having breasts.
    From a clinical standpoint I can now be regarded as fully recovered. I eat normal portions, and I actually enjoy having a feminine figure, but it wasn’t until my forties that a man could express to me his pregnancy fantasies without my loosing all interest in him over it.

  45. I’ve called my husband by both my sister’s name (which sounds nothing like his) and my cat’s name (both start with the same letter). I’m pretty sure I don’t feel the same way towards my sister and my cat as I do towards him. However, it always happened in the course of lighthearted, non-meaningful conversation, not after saying “I love you.” I wonder if context really does mean something in this situation? To me, it seems like it would be a lot harder to mix up your SO’s name with the name of someone you don’t “love” when you’re pointedly telling them you love them.

  47. @ FED,

    You finally found a fetish I had not heard of.

    @ HAC,

    Big family, multiple people with the same name, absent mindedness, sound alike or rhyming names. My mother can’t keep my name straight half the time. The worst case I’d ever seen was a high-school teacher who insisted for half the year my name was “Erica”, when it is absolutely nothing like “Erica” in anyway. “Erica” apparently sat in the same seat all last semester.

  49. @46: Exactly, right? How many people here giving their examples of absent-minded parents/SOs are talking about situations when they’re saying “I love you”? How hard is it to keep that kind of emotion straight? I have conversations of all types with all kinds of people, so yeah, names might get mixed up, but “I love you” is a fairly exclusive club.

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