Okay: Female, married 15 years, one young child. No sex with husband over last five years. Have tried therapy, confrontation, lingerie, kink, porn. Seriously, everything. A year and a half ago, I got into a relationship with a married guy, a man who also wasn’t getting any at home. Our agreement is this: no strings, no ties that could hurt our families, have as much fun as we can.
My husband just got diagnosed with cancer. He is dying. Six months. Leaving him is not an option. On some level, I feel guilty about still seeing my lover, but it’s the only outlet I’ve got.
Am I a CPOS?
No Good Acronym
You were doing what you needed to do to stay sane and stay married before your husband’s diagnosis, NGA, and you should continue to do whatever it takes to stay sane and stay married—for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake. If seeing your lover helps, I think you should continue to see your lover.
In consideration of the good years you had together and with the knowledge that his undiagnosed illness could have been behind his lack of interest in sex, let go of whatever lingering resentments you have. Do everything you can to make your husband comfortable and make his death “good”—and that includes keeping your affair from him.
Realistically and logistically, NGA, I think you won’t be able to see as much of your lover over the next six months as you have over the last 18. And six months isn’t that long to go without. But if you need to see your lover a few times in order to stay sane and stay married and get through this awful time, then you should see your lover—for your own sake, for your husband’s sake, for your kid’s sake.
I’ve been with my current boyfriend for a little over a year. Since the get-go, he has refused to give me oral sex because he just plain doesn’t like the taste. He says he doesn’t even like looking at my vagina. He does, however, like me to give him oral sex. I’ve tried explaining the importance of oral for me, but he says the act just grosses him out. I’m resenting this situation more and more. So much so that now I really don’t feel like giving him oral sex. Any suggestions on how to improve this situation?
Needing Oral Tonight
Your situation will not improve, NOT, until you find yourself a boyfriend who isn’t a fag.
There may be a few straight boys out there who don’t like to eat pussy, sad to say, but a straight boy who doesn’t even like to look at pussy? Unless there’s something very seriously wrong with your pussy’s appearance—a web of scars from a waxing gone horribly, horribly wrong; the Fox News logo tattooed on your pubic mound; the glowering face a parasitic twin where your clit should be—your boyfriend is a fag, NOT. Do to your boyfriend what my one and only girlfriend should’ve done to me: DTMFA.
Just wanted to share a funny story with you. It’s also, we think, a great example of being GGG. My ladyfriend generally requires more foreplay than I do, but on rare occasions we focus on me exclusively. Two nights ago, after three years together, we figured we’d give a high-school classic a try: I was going to get a handjob. I must’ve been temporarily transported back to my Little League days, because as she was contentedly pumping away, I asked if she could adjust her grip, saying, “Baby, could you choke up a little bit?”
“What,” she said, the sweetest, most GGG look on her face, “you mean, like, cry?”
I really think she would’ve done it, too, if I hadn’t laughed so hard I nearly fell off the bed.
Choked Up In Toronto
Thanks for sharing, CUIT, and now…
WHEREAS you’re writing from Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about conservative American politicians (like last week’s rant about New Hampshire state representative Nancy “Wiggle” Elliott), and WHEREAS my American readers might assume that Canada—where gay marriage is legal, everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter—doesn’t have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I will write about Canada’s batshit-conservative politicians every once in a while.
No time like the present: I could write about your batshit-conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, who’s always proroguing the shit out of your parliament. (I don’t know what proroguing is exactly, but like the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes, it sounds filthy.) But a better example of conservative batshittery would be Vic Toews. Canada’s unofficial “Minister of Family Values,” member of parliament Toews—surprise!—doesn’t like the gays because we’re a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic “Black Masses,” and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring the “jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people.”
You know where this is going, right?
It turned out that Toews—who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy—was cheating on his wife of 25 years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by yet another straight “Christian” bigot slamming his dick into someone who isn’t his wife.
Toews’s affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn’t destroy him—he became minister of public safety this January—because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews’s affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-
press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can’t be allowed to hide behind “my private business!” when it turns out that the only threat to the politician’s marriage was the politician’s own greasy cock.
One day, straight folks everywhere are going to realize that anti-gay ravers come in two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Joseph Ratzinger, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, Vic Toews, et al.).
Finally: Toews is pronounced “taves,” and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: If the mother of the 13-year-old boy with the latex-glove fetish had written to me and not Prudie—and she didn’t write to me—I would’ve told her that fetishes aren’t mental illnesses, suggested that her son might be feeling “horribly embarrassed and guilty” about his fetish because HIS MOTHER IS HOUNDING HIM ABOUT IT, and told her that any wife or girlfriend who wouldn’t indulge her son’s kink—once he’s an adult—wouldn’t be worthy of his time or affections. 
I don’t enjoy oral sex, not because of smell, cleanliness, etc, but because I find mouths to be disgusting. I’d rather have another vagina all over mine than somebody’s mouth.
@201..uhhh..oh..you might have to write me again. 😉 Yes I’ve been helping my fellow female friends break down some barriers. I’ve always felt like I have a male brain and yet dress and act the part of female and happen to like men. Something to do with having brothers, all their friends and very alpha dad and beaver cleaver mother. Then again us Gemini’s can have gender issues. lol! But one thing I discovered about A LOT (not all…being very careful here)of women is that they don’t like to be shocked by their own desires. My friends have found my antics very amusing, but they’ve also learned a lot about themselves I think, and OPENED THEIR MINDS.
@148- I agree. It’s already annoying enough to endure some of these chucklehead comments to endure those cryptic/ “our secret joke” bs in this section.
Dan, I think you got the first letter completely wrong. Even when an affair is purely sexual, the chemistry makes you think about the person and talk to them more often than you think you are doing. She can’t really give her husband the attention he needs while she’s involved with someone else. You said yourself that 6 months is not that long to wait. She should just cut off ties to her lover and focus on her husband and her kids right now.
Regarding going down on pussy, the last lover i had was totally amazed at my pussy and told me that i had a “playboy pussy” and a “pretty pussy”, he loved the way it looked, and he helped trim me too, which was very sensual. But when he went down on me, he was rough and tried too hard, licked too hard, pushed too hard, etc. I had to educate him, even though he has had a fair share of pussy in his day. He told me that i am the most sensitive woman he has ever known, but i knew it was due to the fact that he’d seen a few too many porn flix where the pussy is man-handled and over-zealously licked, pounded, tugged, pulled, yanked, and basically brutalized. He thought this was what it took to make a gal orgasm. It was fun re-educating him, and all worked out well. My point here is that i believe most men have been sullied by bad porn. My own view of porn (and i’ve seen a lot) is that there are lots of ugly pussies out there, used-up, gungy looking, frayed edges, flapping, off-coloured, gaping, gnarly looking pussy… but, to each his own. And a good, hot, sudsy shower should always come before oral sex, no matter what.
Perfection. I can’t believe the girl not getting any hasn’t dumped his long ago…
Can you IMAGINE if women were as specific about cock as men are about pussy?
SORRY your cock isn’t mushroom shaped enough. It also has a slight bend. What is with this purple vein???? EW, what’s WRONG with YOU??!?? This isn’t a porn cock AT ALL!!
#1: Girls do NOT smell or taste “bad” down there unless they haven’t showered of taken a 5 mile run. Same goes for guys. I Have been with my fair of squeamish gents and my response is always, “well if you want
me to give oral, i wholheartedly believe that reciprocation is always in order. I have still yet to understand why fellatio is something which guys generally expect, but something that many of them treat as only a “special occasion” event for us gals. LAME!!!
Speaking of which, I had an interesting discussion with one of my straight friends the other day. He admitted that he would never, ever taste or, god forbid, swallow his own come. My rejoinder was that hey, you expect women and non-hetero men to do that, so why the fuck are you not willing to try to get down to the nitty-gritty yourself with gals on a regular basis? He admitted the truth of train of my logic. still doubt he’d do it, but at least it’s food for thought. What is up with men’s sqeamishmess over their delightful boy secretions?? I’m not squeamish about my own
Unless you’re in an abusive relationship or 14-years-old, sorry, you get no sympathy for staying with a guy who won’t reciprocate when it comes to oral sex. He’s a douche, an asshole and possibly gay (or at the very least has some issues with real-life women), but you’re an idiot. Stop treating this like some sort of problem without a clear solution. DTMFA or at the very least STOP SUCKING HIS DICK!!!
out of all my bloke mates, i only know one who doesnt like going down on girls. funnily enough he’s also slept with the most out of all the people i know. i dont think he likes women too much to be honest, says he barely likes touching them when he ‘fucks’ them. maybe he’ll come out as gay one day…who knows?
basically if the thought of getting fully involved with your ladys sweet juicy fanny (british fanny not yank fanny – not really into eating that too much) doesnt enter your head at least 20 times a day then you’re probably gonna have to sit down and start asking yourself some serious questions
Amen, no. 1. Pussy rocks.
@211 & 212…NICE!!! Okay we’ll end on that note! 🙂
Yep- Prudie’s answer sucked.
you missed the “so” before the “be it resolved”
I had a boyfriend once who wouldn’t go down on me because he thought it was a turn-off. He, however, was 100% absolutely supportive of ME giving HIM head and often would praise me for giving the best head he’d ever had in his life. This, of course, led to him getting even more head. I stuck it out for a YEAR with this douche! A YEAR! (I shake my head.)
When I finally snapped and ran for the hills, I almost immediately called up an old “friend” to help me out. The sense of relief that came over me at his enthusiasm for giving me head and the absolute earth-shattering, mind-altering multiple orgasms that quickly followed changed the very core of my phsyche in an instant. Or maybe it was five instants, I can’t recall. I will never, NEVER! EVER! put up with anything even remotely akin to my pent-up ex-lover’s hangup about cunnilingus.
I mean, seriously, why would you date someone who thinks of your genitals with DISTASTE? Fuck that! Or better yet, DON’T.
I am a Canadian who hasn’t voted for a ‘Conservative’ for twenty years. I’d be ashamed of twenty years ago, except our ‘Conservative’ party was then only ‘fiscally conservative’, and supported equality under the law of men and women, straights and homosexuals.
Like ‘santorum’ (brilliantly played), ‘Toews’ should refer to something familiar to people of all sexual preferences, and unpleasant to most. It has to be something all genders produce, and like ‘santorum’ embarrassing for the ‘catcher’, and off-putting for the ‘pitcher’. ‘Toews’: pubic hair in the back of the throat that can’t be removed without coughing like a cat with a hairball.
Signed: ‘god always commands kemptness’
Unfortunately, Toews is also the name of a famous hockey player, so I really don’t think you’re going to get anywhere with that.
Nevermind the fact that politicians with run-of-the-mill affairs like this are a dime a dozen, and minority governments like the one we have now are typically aged in days, not years (unlike the one we have now). I suspect Toews will be without a job in politics in short order anyway.
I used to be in a relationship years ago with a man who refused to give oral. He was OCD about certain things.. and somewhere down the line he got it in his head that vaginas are not a sanitary place, even right after a shower and refused to let his mouth venture “down there”. To be fair, his own parts grossed him out as well.
I don’t think that makes him a fag.
He found a partner now that hates to give head, so they’re both happy with the arrangement of never doing or having pressure to perform oral sex.
Why I have a hard time receiving oral sex (@177 and everyone else who “can’t fathom how a woman could dislike her lover going down on her”:
-yes, bad body image (@179). I have a hard time looking down at my body. I have a hard time looking down at my lover when he is between my legs, because I know he is able to look up and have a full view of my body. Then I tense up and experience oral sex as trauma instead of pleasure. I can get past this, but it takes work.
-fear that it smells/is ugly/etc. Do you remember the plethora of “rotten fish” jokes that boys make in middle school? Jokes that they’ve picked up from lousy “macho” movies & etc? Even once you grow up and realize that the guys making those jokes are just insecure, it is hard to forget that early fear. It takes work.
-not believing that it is feminine to request, assert or demand what you want in bed. Holding the (misguided) belief that women are supposed to meet the needs of others, not have their own needs met. You can get over this, and it takes work.
-lack of self-confidence. I have had to develop a strong sense of self to be able to enjoy receiving pleasure. Five years ago the idea of a guy going down on me was a turn-off because I couldn’t believe that he would actually enjoy it. Note that I dated some great guys who earnestly tried to convince me otherwise. But no one else will ever convince you of your own self-worth. You have to do that for yourself. It takes a lot of work!
Anyway – these are just a few of the many ways psychological issues have prevented me from enjoying oral sex. Even though the behavior of NOT’s bf is what I used to fear, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there are deep-seated psychological hang-ups at the core of his fear of eating pussy. Or maybe he’s just a selfish jerk. Either way, NOT shouldn’t hesitate to move on if she desires oral sex and he’s not willing to go there. It’s not up to her to fix his issues, but she needs to make sure her own needs are met.
Cancer sucks ass.
#206 Well aren’t you the lucky one having a perfect little pussy?!! That kind of attitude against your fellow women is partly what leads young women to have their delicate bits surgically “tidied” for purely cosmetic reasons. Wrong wrong wrong. Pussies come in all shapes and sizes and their beauty is IN their function as much as appearance (which being a rug muncher I rather like!). And no, I’ve not come across one yet that I’d not want to lick.
Hello from Quebec! nice post as usual, but I just wanted to tell you that ”the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes” ain’t filthy at all… Province of Quebec has a French Speaking majority, and if no one makes English Canadians shit with our ‘filthy’ language, well, we’ll disappear within a few decades, I’d say. We get enough shit for being french speakers already… so drop it.
Thanks for understanding – otherwise, I really love your column, Dan, keep up the good work!
To be far, as far as right-wing homophobes go, Harper’s far from the worst. In fact, there’s almost something a little bit noble about recognizing that the Canadian people wanted and deserved gay marriage even though it went against his own believes. And he’s not always dismissing parliament, people just have a short-term memory about how many times leaders past have done it.
Also, to the girlfriend of the fag who doesn’t like the sight or taste of pussy,if she’s intent on hanging onto him for his taste in clothing or his health insurance (you guys still don’t have that? Weird), she ought to blindfold him and use an oral damn of some variety. I hear they make them in flavours so he can get one in Gay Grape or something.
I would have to add a note of caution for No Good Acronym. Honey – this is gonna be bad. You’re gonna be a mess, and you’re gonna be alone with a grieving child. I would suggest NOT seeing the lover for a while – including a while after your husband passes. You won’t intend to, and you’ll feel awful about it later, but you will almost certainly cleave to your lover for comfort and it will cause both of you pain and complications in violation of your agreement. It’s only natural – but it could cause you more problems than it solves. Get a good vibrator and spend the time preparing yourself and your child, and healing afterwards. You and your lover will be glad you did. All the best wishes in the coming months.
Vic Toews wasn’t big news in Canada, because political sex scandals don’t sell… The papers could write and write on it, and nobody would care. We’d rather hear about Angie and Brad, I suppose. Canadian politicians aren’t sexy.
@222… i got off track there with what i was trying to say in my post #206, but when i talked about ugly pussies it was totally in regards to rotten porn. I apologize to have offended you. I guess i was only trying to make a correlation between guys who think pussy is ugly or unsightly, and perhaps it’s because they have watched bad porn and think that all pussy is …how did i describe it?… used-up, gungy looking, frayed edges, flapping, off-coloured, gaping, gnarly looking pussy. I was not saying ALL pussy is like this, and in fact, when i saw this kind of porn, i was kinda shocked – didn’t know there were ugly pussies out there like that. That being said, all cocks are not created equal either, and although there is a “gold standard” when it comes to porn cock, there doesn’t seem to be that same standard when it comes to porn pussy. It leaves one wondering why. My point here is that guys who take licking and fingering notes from porn are perhaps getting the wrong message…
Toews:The act of boring a new hole in a human being solely for fucking it with your penis.3 ways to use toews.1 Allan toews more than he should.2 I am going to toew that fucker! Forget about Meisja’s mouth,vag and ass.I toewed her!
VIc Toews: verb. A verbal barrage of obscene insults hurled at a lover involuntarily at the height of passion.
Problem: Toews is a surname shared by perfectly upstanding Canadians, such as writer Miriam Toews and hockey player Jonathan Toews, neither of whom deserve the Rick Santorum treatment. Please find a way to put Vic Toews’ bullshit on blast without hurting other people who share what is apparently a relatively common surname in Canada. (Compared to Santorum in the US, anyway.)
@ 91 – Do you have this guy’s number?
@ 117 – I STILL think you made some valid points. In fact, MOST of your words were valid and anyone who doesn’t see that hasn’t a clue. They just took the intensity of what you wrote and made it “personal.”
@ 191 – You wrote: “LOL’d on public transit…just broke up with ‘fag’ who wouldn’t go down on me. That wasn’t ‘thee’ reason but going on 3 mos and he never gave it a whirl? We’d had the safe sex talk, etc. When I asked him why his response was “didn’t know it was ‘on the menu'” – wtf is that?!”
“on the menu? Wtf is that?” Er, the only time I’ve heard that reference was on an episode of Sex in the City where Samantha talks about a sex act being “on the menu.”
Yep, you were right to dump him. The times that he wasn’t busy having you suck his dick with his eyes closed whilst he imagined a guy doing it, he was chilled out in front of the Sex in the City box set….