I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend of almost two years broke up with me yesterday over the fact that I used to be an escort. He went through my e-mails and saw that I was answering ads, putting ads up, sending photos. We had been planning a future together, talking about moving in, getting married, having kids, etc., and then this happened.
I know I either should’ve told him about my past or shouldn’t have succumbed to temptation. I started doing this again a year ago because I got fired from my job and couldn’t find anything. I was so in love with this guy that I didn’t mind staying at home waiting for him all day, doing everything and anything to make him happy. It took a toll on me, and I couldn’t support myself. Then a friend recommended that I start escorting again. And then this guy e-mailed me saying he would give me $3,000 to sleep with him, and I couldn’t say no.
What do I do, Dan? I can’t eat, sleep, or even do anything. All I want is to hold my boyfriend and to be held. How do I make things better? I am disgusted with the person I am and feel so dirty.
No One Real To Hold
I don’t want to salt your wounds, NORTH, but your boyfriend didn’t find out that you “used to be an escort.” He found out that you are an escort. Even those of us who believe that sex work should be legal, and that sex workers shouldn’t be stigmatized, also believe that a sex worker’s romantic partners have a right to know about the sex work—and consent to it—because it places them at heightened risk of sexually transmitted infections.
There’s probably no salvaging this relationship. The scale of the betrayal is just too great, NORTH, and your efforts to shift blame—it’s your friend’s fault for suggesting you get back into sex work, it was that guy’s fault for offering you $3,000, it was your boyfriend’s fault (!) for occupying all your time (?)—demonstrate that you have yet to take full responsibility for your actions. You would need to do that, NORTH, at least that, before your ex could begin to think about taking you back.
Finally, NORTH, if doing sex work makes you feel this way—ashamed and dirty—please stop doing sex work.
What’s the etiquette for having sex when you’re a guest in another person’s house? Friends spent the night and shared some passion. I don’t have a problem with this. However, this was period-sex, and I was left with bloody, sex-stained sheets. Am I wrong to be annoyed? Can I ask them to replace the sheets?
Hostess With The Menses
Your guests had to know—if your sheets were a bloody mess, so were your guests—and they should have offered to replace your sheets. You’re right to be annoyed. If you believe your friends are selfish and inconsiderate—if you think they didn’t care about the mess they left for you—confront them, ask for replacements, and cultivate other friendships. But if you know your friends to be deeply sex-negative, HWTM, it’s possible they were so mortified by the mess—evidence that they’d had sex!—and were paralyzed by shame. If that’s the case, let it slide, buy your own replacements, and cultivate other friendships.
The etiquette for having sex when you’re a guest in another person’s house goes like this: Polite guests do not leave a bloody, spunky, or santorumy mess for their hosts to clean up. Staying in the guest room and desperately horny? Sounds like the perfect opportunity for an extended—and tidy—oral-sex session. Staying in the guest room and want to fuck? Fuck on the desk, fuck standing up, fuck in the shower. If your partner is one of those only-in-bed, only-on-my-back types, lay a towel down on your host’s sheets—or, better yet, a couple of your own T-shirts—and fuck away.
Thoughtful hosts purchase dark sheets and towels for guest suites. And if guests leave a towel on the floor of the bathroom in a neat little ball, toss that towel in the wash—with extra bleach if the towels are white—without unfurling and inspecting. Be warned: An unwise host who unfurls a balled-up white towel may find herself staring at what looks like the flag of imperial Japan. And if your guests are courteous enough to strip the bed before they leave, those balled-up sheets go straight into the wash, too.
I’m a young-adult gay virgin. Recently, an incredibly sweet, incredibly intelligent guy expressed a desire to blow me (among many other things). He also happens to be, without exaggeration, the hottest guy I’ve ever met in my life. I lusted after him for the better part of a year before I found out he was gay. So, naturally, I want to pursue this.
There are complications. Along with my obligatory first-time jitters, I have to deal with the reality that we will be working together all day, every day, through the fall. Which could be awkward if there’s any awkwardness after the fact. Which brings me to my main worry: I’m not circumcised. I’ve always been a little insecure about it. The one friend I trust enough to ask about this basically said that she would immediately abort oral if she realized a guy was uncut.
If I don’t do this, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life (he really is that hot), but my friend’s opinion has me worried beyond reason. I’m at a loss, Dan. Please help?
Uncircumcised ‘N’ Completely
Unexperienced Teen
You shouldn’t put too much stock in one friend’s opinion about uncut cock, UNCUT, particularly if that friend isn’t all that experienced either and—I hope all the sex-and-foreskin-positive single ladies will forgive me for this—when that friend is a lady girl. Some young women are squeamish about oral generally, and foreskins particularly, because they don’t have much experience with cock, cut or uncut.
Gay men are much less likely to be squeamish about uncut cock; indeed, lots of gay men prefer uncut cock. My God, UNCUT, there are enough gay men out there with a fetish for foreskins to support a foreskin-specific porn genre for gay men. And even if this guy doesn’t have a strong preference for uncut cock, UNCUT, it’s highly unlikely that he’ll be turned off by your clean, uncut cock.
As for any potential awkwardness after the fuct, UNCUT, if the hottest guy you’ve ever swapped blowjobs with in your life—presuming the exchange of blowjobs goes down—is cold and distant, or even hostile, it might be because he doesn’t want to get with you again. And like an idiot/asshole/amateur, he believes that being a dick is the only way to keep you from getting the wrong idea. If that happens, UNCUT, you’ll have to be the grown-up. Get him alone and tell him that, hey, it’s totally cool if he doesn’t want to mess around again, but you don’t want things to be weird. Tell him you intend to burn through any lingering feelings of awkwardness by being civil and polite to him and that you would appreciate the same from him.
To 131, 133, 134,
Don’t get me wrong, nothing against bass players on my side. I just don’t like whiny,depressing, pretentious commentators who sign as “bassplayerguy”,as #112 did while giving us his laundry list.
And just so you know, Tal Wikenfield sounds like a very Jewish/Israeli name, which means he’s probably cut.
And I don’t mention it to hint that cut guys can play the bass better than uncut ones. I just want to highlight #112 “bassplayerguy” as a miserable, close-minded person, who gives us his unqualified and unwanted laundry list for no apparent reason.
And just for the record… Being an older guy, my favorite bass players are Chris Squire of ‘Yes’, John Entwistle of ‘The Who’, and not to mention Jack Bruce’s Solo on Frank Zappa’s ‘Apostrophe’.
All of them are creative, energetic, and amazingly positive bass players (and most-likely uncircumcised!!!).
As opposed to the miserable, close-minded “bassplayerguy” @112.
I am just surprised at all the “baby boy” comments re: circumcision. Where I live boys are circumcised the summer after grade 6. Guess one learns something new everyday!
@ 151,
Your take on this is interesting because you seem totally oblivious to the existence of personal preference in sexual stimuli. Say for example I didn’t enjoy sensations of anal sex; if my bf followed your logic, he would say “prove anal sex is harmful!” or “prove that woman can’t enjoy anal sex! double blind study please! if enjoying anal sex and orgasming from it is achievable, then you can’t hate it”.
So no, circumcision doesn’t have to do significant harm and many men circumcised as adults may enjoy its results and still there will be men who prefer having a foreskin. Just like anal sex doesn’t have to be harmful or painful and many women may not mind it but it is still a legitimate sexual preference to not like the sensations it gives.
1 Circumcised boys may end up permanently harmed;
2 definitely are forced to go through a painful healing process;
3 definitely are stripped of the right to experience sexual sensations with foreskin and
4 definitely are stripped of their right to choose what to do with their penises.
There is no reason to do this to infants: all as you call them “health benefits” of circumcision can be achieved at a later age, which would largely correct all these wrongs I stated. 1- there may be permanent harm but at least the boy will know no one forced it upon him, 2 – the pain during healing process will be easier to manage because the boy will see it as a step towards his goal; 3 – they will be able to experience having foreskin and all its nerve endings (huge numbers of them) 4 – I hope I don’t have to explain why it feels good when you make decisions about your body.
Now just because you don’t mind having been circumcised doesn’t mean that no one else should and/or that their feeling of being wronged isn’t legitimate. Or that we don’t have reasonable right to expect our parents to keep their hands off our bodies unless it is completely necessary and can’t wait. If it doesn’t pose an immediate danger and can wait, then I really don’t see why not let the penis owner make that decision for himself.
Hey…
you know, my mother was really conservative, and never told us ANYTHING about periods, sex etc.
So naturally, when I started getting my period, I would horrifiedly wash whatever it was that was stained with hot water and soap (How was I supposed to know any differently? Isn’t hot water what you use when you want things to be really clean??) there were times when I’d burn whatever was stained so my parents wouldn’t find out what had happened and try to talk to me about it (I couldn’t imagine anything good or wholesome coming out of a talk with very catholic parents about anything puberty related).It wasn’t until years later that I found out cold water works, and hot water sets the stain. So maybe she was similarly raised and similarly uninformed.
But ya, Dan, rolled up in a ball is a bad plan with blood related stains. Into the washer/under cold water as soon as you notice.
Oh, and genitally mutiliating people is wrong, whether they’re boys or girls. If you choose to mutilate your own genitals after you turn 18, whatevs, but chopping off bits of your children’s genitals is generally a bad idea, one would think.
UNCUT isn’t ready to have sex yet. Anyone that worked up over non-issues like being judged for being uncircumcised is too immature to be diving into sex. Period.
Also, I don’t understand what it was about UNCUT’s letter that suggested the hot guy was going to give him the cold shoulder afterward. Where did all that come from?
Re: the messy guest. I let a friend stay in my apartment while I was away once and discovered afterward that he used my sex toys. I threw EVERYTHING away and never spoke to him again. Have some fucking decorum when you’re a guest or go to a hotel. Jesus.
Male circumcision isn’t done for cleanliness. It caught on in this country because it was purported to be a way to stop boys from masturbating. Why do you think it’s so much more popular in the puritanical, sex-obsessed United States than in Europe?
Any adult male who wants to can go ahead an elect to get himself cut and I’m just fine with that. But leave an infant’s genitals the fuck alone.
@154 What the fuck are you talking about? I’m sorry if you interpret the statement of facts as whiny and depressing but that’s something for you to work out. But of course seeing as you can’t even be bothered to click on a link to verify a particular position I’m not sure why I would care what you think about anything. Just so you know, Tal Wilkenfeld is a woman, and Australian; something you WOULD have known had you done even the tiniest bit of research, you know, like just clicking on the link that Kim had provided. But even though you couldn’t be bothered do that we’re supposed to take your word for it with regards to a debate of any kind? Sorry, don’t think so.
@159:
lots of people are nervous before their first sexual encounter. it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re not ready for sex. ironically, the longer you wait to have sex, the more you can get worked up about things that you wouldn’t have thought about years earlier.
as to the possibility of a cold shoulder: LW is going to be working with dude for 6 months or so. i would be concerned about an intimate relationship changing over that time period and making the work situation weird too.
count me as another who loves the uncut penis. my mom has told me multiple times about how upset she was that the docs cut my brothers (this was in the 1970s) and did not respect her wishes to leave them uncut. instead they just told her of the supposed health and social benefits and left her to listen to them cry angrily after being cut. so sad 🙁 will definitely not let any little boy i might have go through that (at least not until he’s 18 and can decide for himself).
Yeah, NORTH was cracking me up with that bit about being “so in love with this guy that I didn’t mind staying at home waiting for him all day”. Wow. Really giving her all, there.
I wonder how well that line would fly if a man had written it. (Assuming for a minute NORTH is, in fact, female.)
“Oh Baby, I’m just so into you I can’t get my ass off the couch and get a job. THAT’S just how much I love you.”
@ 161- So maybe Tal Winkelfeld is indeed an Australian woman and I made a mistake assuming this person is a man.
The argument wasn’t about bass players in general, but rather about a miserable, closed-minded dude who signs as “bassplayerguy” that keeps giving us his negative, twisted views.
I honestly wish you a good day, and hope your joy will be reflected in your bass playing as well as your comments on Savage Love.
And in order to help you achieve that I promise that this will be my last comment about you. I’ll let you say the last word, you “win” my friend, and lets move on. Deal?
Um… fif @ 154,
Tal Wilkenfeld is a very lovely Australian woman. Did the link not work?
You know, your response is very confusing, like perhaps you had a few. Nothing wrong with that. I enjoy consuming my share of “blues juice” (charming term for whisky, that I learned from an Australian) especially when messing with my guitars. I’m a blues fan. If that was the case, be careful, because your comments won’t necessarily make sense, unless the rest of us have hit the Wild Turkey, too.
And, as a straight woman my theory on dicks being cut or uncut can be summed up with the title of a Bob Dylan song “It’s all good”. That is why we left our son intact, so he can make his own decision in the future.
Take care.
And BTW, Here’s another Lady girl who prefers cock in its natural condition.
And thank you to the person above who pointed out what a tempest in a teapot this whole preference issue becomes once a guy’s penis is hard. The visual difference at that point is negligible.
Still, uncut cocks are sooo much easier to stroke and handle, with that nice, slippery sleeve. Most of my ex’es aren’t American, and aren’t cut. And there will always be guys who are haphazard on hygiene issues, circumcised or not. If a guy is conscientious about the routine toiletries (is his hair clean? Does he brush and floss regularly? Does he smell nice?) then he’s more than likely taking good care of his junk.
And BTW, I’ve never had a condom break, regardless of size. Not even during the eight years when condoms were the exclusive form of birth control for me and my uncut, normally endowed ex. I suspect that anyone who has this experience consistently with uncut guys isn’t allowing enough slack in the condom when they put it on. Uncut cocks have a good deal more “play” in the mobility of the entire length of the penile skin. You need to gently slide it almost completely back before rolling the condom down over the head and exposed inner foreskin, then let the foreskin slide back up to its normal position, hold it there and finish unrolling the condom down. This way you’ve got all the movement that makes uncut cock so much fun.
If you roll the condom over the cock with the skin trapped underneath in the higher position, all the pull of in/out is going to be concentrated at the head of the condom, instead of along its whole length. I wouldn’t be surprised if that leads to breakage during vigorous sex. Plus, that’s just gotta be uncomfortable for him, no?
@164 So you show up (twice!) with your ad hominem attacks and “who pissed in my Cherios” attitude and I’m the one who’s “miserable” with “negative” views? I don’t think so. FYI, you have yet to explain what’s “twisted” about views as well.
Also, my view used to be exactly like yours but after I started doing research I was confronted with overwhelming evidence that my view was incorrect therefor I changed my view. Whereas, it would seem that you haven’t changed your view of the subject nor are you willing to consider changing your view and yet you accuse me of being “closed minded.” Here’s an idea; buy a dictionary, use it, love it.
“but rather about a miserable, closed-minded dude who signs as “bassplayerguy” that keeps giving us his negative, twisted views”
followed by:
“I honestly wish you a good day,”
Really? Yes, I feel the kindness flowing from you like fine wine from crystal decanter.
Let me try: “I wish you well, you horrible person. I hope the crusty old turd that is you has a FABULOUS day!”
See? Doesn’t quite work.
Kim @165
As my now dear friend “bassplayerguy” pointed out I never bothered checking the link. My apologies to both of you.
Also, good observation on your side. It was Passover left over wine. Apparently Elijah The Prophet never showed up, so someone had to take care of business.
Best to you and all other bass players out there- male, female, cut or uncut…
BTW fif, if you have any desire to discuss something I actually said instead of just making spurious claims about how I’d rate on a happiness index then I’m game.
I thought it was funny how she said that if she “realized” that he was uncut. Like, there she is, doing oral, then has a sudden epiphany that the guy hasn’t been snipped.
Lamenting that one’s genitals were NOT mutilated at birth? What is the world coming to?
Well I guess I’m in the minority here, but I’m a gay dude who cannot STAND uncut. Yech!
Fine, yes, I’m totally down w/the idea that there’s more of ’em for the rest of you. All yours, peeps; have at ’em! Buh-bye.
@ 172 … i am stunned at the fact that you would accept or reject a guy based on the fact that they are cut or uncut.
How shallow can you get???
Does love not come into the equation for you at all? I feel sorry for you.
You don’t have to go as far as Europe: Most French-Canadian men in Quebec are not circumcised. I’m a bi woman and I far prefer uncut men. Encountering a cut cock is, in fact, a little sad. They’ll never know what they’re missing; they’re less sensitive, and they miss out and all the really fun tongue stuff you can do with a foreskin. Recently I found an English-Canadian man who was uncut and almost cheered! He thought it was funny.
For the record, my ex-husband was uncut, we always used condoms for birth control, and never once did he break one. Surprisingly, a lot of men don’t know how to put on a condom. That’s what makes them break, not whether or not they’re circumcised. When I see a guy fumble, I take things into my own hand, or mouth and roll it on for them.
If you like uncut and don’t want to fly to Europe, just drive to Montreal.
Guest sex was also in today’s Dear Abby – I smell a fake
DEAR ABBY: Is it OK to have sex when you’re a guest in someone’s home? I say no, but my husband feels the host knows we’re married so it’s not inappropriate. I think it’s rude and shows a lack of respect for the host.
Would you please settle this once and for all? When we stay with friends, we end up fighting during our vacation. — UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: For a married couple to make love when they are houseguests isn’t rude or disrespectful, provided the pictures don’t fall off the walls and there are no complaints about noise from the neighbors. However, if the idea makes you uncomfortable and unable to relax and enjoy the intimacy, then you and your husband should vacation in a hotel where you can expect to have more privacy.
I am broken up with my baby’s daddy. It was a 10 year relationship. We still live in the same house for now until we can afford to make a change. We are responsible, loving parents and we are calm and friendly to one another but there has never been a lot of sexual chemistry. I had an affair with a man. I don’t know him well and what I do see in him is that he is unpredictable and a pot smoker, and has a p/t job in a restaurant. He doesn’t seem to have goals. Our sex is really great though and it is something I was missing for a long time. I got pregnant by him. I am 5,6 weeks pregnant. I am 37 and I want another child. I don’t know the father well though and I have concerns about having a child with a father I don’t really know. I told my baby’s daddy yesterday. He is furious because he feels betrayed and lied to because we still live here together and it is just rotten timing for what I have gotten myself into. All the same, my heart is crying when I think of aborting this baby. I am sure, logically, that I should. Do I listen to logic or my heart? I have an abortion scheduled for next week. I don’t want to go.To worsen matters I took cocaine while I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant (something I never do!). I also took a Klonopine, and a tablet of morphine. Yes, it has been a wild month. I am usually so chill. Anyway — I don’t know. I probably have to abort — but I don’t want to.
The first letter is an almost word-for-word plot from Diary of a Call Girl. In that show, the 3000 (pounds) in this case was a trap to see if she was still hooking.
I am Jewish, circumcised as a baby. Never minded, never had a problem with it. Never felt short-changed sexually. Perfectly happy the way I am. I continue to be baffled by people who scream that it is “mutilation”. Not according to me!
I’m not sure if it’s been raised or not, but one reason people get squeamish about uncut cock is because many guys–especially inexperienced ones–don’t always remember to pull back the foreskin and soap/lather/rinse the head EVERY TIME THEY SHOWER. I have the world’s perfect guy, but it took a couple weeks at the start to drill that lesson into his head. As soon as it clicked that “keeping clean = getting head”… let’s just say he’s fastidious nowadays. 🙂
@152
Your “jackass-fu” is a little weak. if you really wanted to back me into a corner on the cosmetic surgery issue, you’d have said something like “a surgery which removes healthy tissue for purely cosmetic reasons”.
Otherwise, you give me ample examples, the most obvious one I’ve already cited (seriously, check my post):
surgery to repair a cleft pallet. We do it with any child born with it (and even have entire charities dedicated to raising money for it). We also remove vestigial tails, any webbing, ect. Similarly, we perform tonsillectomies despite a lack of evidence they help anything, painful recovery, ect.
Hmm… I’m seeing some holes in your argument.
Argue the facts, and the points I’ve made, not personal attacks.
And, before I forget, if you think there’s any similarity between male circumcision and Female Genital Mutilation, you need to go to a library, read a book, or do a Google search. Conflating removal of the foreskin, and removal of the clitoris is like comparing removal of a fingernail and removal of a finger.
@156.
I accept all of your points without objection. Especially the part about it being a subjective, personal, question.
What I blanch at is the hypocrisy. Women of all kinds have posted here that they prefer an uncut penis. One gay man posts preferring a cut penis, and he’s blasted for it.
Why does a preference for an uncut cock not count as terribly shallow, utterly silly, and completely subjective?
If we want to have the discussion of medical benefits, I accept there are two sides (as I said in my first post). But, there being a debate doesn’t make it categorically wrong to circumcise, nor does it make it “mutilation” or “disfigurement”. I’ll accept the subjectivity of the questions, but not the rhetoric.
@173, 174
I find it really funny to see your posts juxtaposed. One is lambasting a previous poster for being shallow about circumcision, the other is being shallow about circumcision.
Consistency, people. Either circumcision should be treated as a cosmetic, minor, issue, and thus take a back seat to more important things like “love” and “acceptance”, or it can be a Big Fucking Deal.
But if it’s a BFD, the gay gentleman who doesn’t like uncut penises is no more “shallow” or objectionable than the woman who “cheered” for a foreskin. Accept everyone being prejudiced, or deny it of everyone.
@160
I see that statement touted a lot, but the basis of it is questionable:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Circumcisio…
America also has a higher Jewish population than Europe.
Oh, also:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15711…
Just gonna put those here.
@176, you don’t sounds real, but just in case you are, google the effects of the drugs you took may have on the fetus, then consider whether you are prepared to raise two kids on your own, one of whom may turn out disabled. Anytime after 35 you have to be even more careful because the stats are against you anyways, you know? Sounds like you gotta get a grip and get your life organized for the sake of the kid you already have. I would go and abort. You know you’re fertile and if you want another child you can plan for it right. And lay off them drugs for the sake of your other kid, too.
Ugh. I cannot believe I’m going right of Dear Abby, but I’d be majorly grossed out by guests screwing in my house. Yuck. You are imposing upon someone’s hospitality, not paying a hotel for service, and that person’s exposure to your bodily outputs, be they liquid, dried, solid, cuticle-based, or noise, should be kept to an absolute minimum out of politeness. Get a room.
I’ve had both cut and uncut. Mister Uncut was gross because he never washed behind the actual foreskin. When he remembered, blowjobs were great fun.
Mister Cut is clean as a skin whistle. 🙂 I actually commented on his Zesty penis just the other night during an oral session. He was pleased, and I clearly demonstrated my pleasure with him.
However, the difference is that with Cut, I have to work harder and longer to get him to come. Uncut wasn’t so bad, and when I wasn’t in the mood and he got oral in return, at least it didn’t make my CSC* flare up!
That being said, I do know of some instances where men have had to have circumcisions performed in the later years of life, usually due to medical issues. The most common of these is where the male’s foreskin does not grow along with the penis during puberty, and it makes it hard to have the foreskin retract during arousal and urination. It becomes quite painful, and surgery is the only option. While Mister Cut has no qualms about being circumcised (“How would I know if I wanted my foreskin back? I don’t even remember having it!”), I believe we discussed it once, and he also sees no reason behind removing it on any subsequent sons we have.
Oh, one more thing, he’s Catholic and we both have no idea why he was circumcised in the first place.
*CSC = Cocksuckers Cramp.
No, UNCUT, if things don’t go as you’d like them to and dude goes from completely hot to complete d-bag, don’t talk to him afterward. Just be civil and polite and if he’s still a dick about it, continue to be polite or just pretend he doesn’t exist…to the best of your ability. Talking to him about not wanting things to be weird will only make them weirder. Also, your friend’s OPINION is just that…an opinion. A preference on her part, if you will. Perhaps the person you should be asking about said preference is the guy in question.
I’m against routine circumcision, so I’m very surprised that, as I read this thread, I’m far more annoyed by some of the anti-circumcision posters than by anyone else.
There are a few things that need to be said:
1. Someone’s stance on the ethics of routine circumcision, and someone’s personal feelings as to whether foreskin is sexually desirable or not, are very often COMPLETELY different topics. As it happens, I believe that the practice is irrational and cruel, and I also happen to find circumcised penises to be far more attractive and pleasant to the touch than uncircumcised ones. There’s not a whole lot I can do about my preference, and it certainly doesn’t indicate anything about my open-mindedness, maturity, or ability to feel compassion.
2. While it may very well be the case that the original movement to circumcise in the US was brought about by anti-masturbation puritans, it’s silly to act as if preventing masturbation – as opposed to preventing infection – was what kept the practice standard for so long.
(For the record, I’m not even saying that the arguments about preventing infection were valid. I’m just saying that if you asked an American doctor in the 1960s why it was routine to circumcise baby boys, he would be far more likely to say “It prevents infection,” than to say, “We need to stop our children from touching themselves!” or “Change…bad! Baaaaaad!”
3. Far from all gay men are turned on by foreskin. We’re more likely than straight women to fetishize it, but a lot of the people who are the most turned off of by foreskin – because of actual experience with it, rather than a fear of the unknown, that is – are gay men. (At least from what I’ve seen time and time again.)
4. The ethical issues surrounding circumcision aren’t always totally black-and-white. While I disagree with routine circumcision for a number of reasons, I’m very, very glad that my parents had me circumcised. Why? Because I grew up in an area in which ALL of my classmates were circumcised. (At least that’s the sense I got from the locker rooms at school.) I would have grown up feeling extremely self-conscious about my cock, just like the guy who wrote the letter. That wouldn’t be worth some possible extra sensation – hell, I cum too easily as it is.
There’s also the issue of circumcision in sub-Saharan Africa, which makes a lot of sense to me, considiering that the AIDS rate is lower among cut men there than uncut men, and because of the lack of opportunity many men have to regularly wash themselves properly down there.
5. It may only take a little bit of soap and effort to keep foreskin clean, but that does not change the reality that there are quite a few men out there who don’t bother to do it. Saying, “No need to worry about your uncircumcised partner being smelly or dirty down there, because it just takes a little effort for him to prevent that,” is like saying, “No need to worry that the employees at your restaurant don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom – it only takes a short time to wash up!”
am i the only one who remembers hearing all these questions on various lovecasts?
Time for my post-anal laundry tip: For some reason, even if you use water-based lube, santorum is tough to get out of sheets. Use stain stuff & soak. Otherwise, you might have to toss the sheets.
And if you use any non-water-based lube (I know, probably a fairly small percentage in these modern times, with hetero-targeted KY commercials on TV), you WILL get permanent grease stains on your sheets. Yet another reason to stick with water-based lube.
And for UNCUT, I agree with AJD @ 55 & 56. Keep it clean, and if/when the magic moment comes, demonstrate to him (in a sexy way, of course) that you’re quite clean down there. Even if he’s unfamiliar with uncut dick, if it’s clean, and he knows it’s clean, and he’s horny, he’ll have little to no problem with your unaltered condition. As a cocksucker who is perfectly OK with clean uncut dick, I can almost guarantee it.
As wise American parents know, one of the best reasons for keeping your son intact is that it’s an excellent way to screen out ignorant and shallow future partners.
Males have foreskins. It’s part of our anatomy. To not like intact penises is to not like the male body. Sorry, the sliced ones aren’t simply another variant; they’re surgically-altered males.
Only Americans delude themselves into thinking that circumcised cocks are somehow healthier, handsomer and maintenance-free. Want a big study to disprove it? It exists: it’s called Europe, South America and Asia. The US cuts more, spends more (nearly a billion a year to chop and fix botched chops) and has poorer health outcomes on virtually every measure: HIV, other STIs, ED, overall sexual health and sexual satisfaction. You’d think for a billion bucks a year you’d get at least a small advantage. But… nope.
Circumcision slices through meters of blood vessels and nerves, impairs blood flow to the meatus and glans, affects tumescence and detumescence, and has a ridiculously high complication rate when done in infancy. What is remarkable is how well the penis bounces back from such a substantial wounding. Enough to work, anyway.
The nuances of what you can do with a foreskin are completely lost on the circumcised (and sadly, plenty of the intact), so it’s not even worth enumerating them here.
All UNCUT needs to know is that he’s going into sex with 100% of his male anatomy. What an advantage! With luck, his hunk is similarly equipped — and experienced at exploiting all a healthy foreskin has to offer.
Heck, UNCUT, your hot date may ALSO be intact! And even if he’s not, don’t assume it will be an issue. If he’s not, though, be prepared to have to teach him. Too many cut guys (and some intact guys who’ve only dated cut guys) assume that the foreskin just gets in the way, and they’ll yank it back so they can go for your glans. That can hurt.
There’s a page (downloadable as a pdf leaflet) at the Intactivism Pages for intact teens (www.circumstitions.com/Teen.html), reassuring them they are normal. Looks like there should be one for adults too.
Dan,
I have just discovered you and am dismayed to have gone without your brilliant perversity the first 43 years of my life.
It is extremely likely that you make the world a better place. Now, if I can just get my uptight colorado friends to read you, perhaps I can do my part for this conservative corner of the planet.
DC
Great advice to UNCUT and for the record: I’m a female with a strong preference to uncut cock. It’s an instant turn-on for me.
I haven’t yet met any guy with an uncut cock without basic hygiene but I look at it this way: if a guy can’t keep his cock clean, he can’t keep his cock clean regardless of foreskin. The foreskin just makes it more obvious that the guy has hygiene issues.
i need your help dan.. i told y aunt i was gay and she gaave some avice but i want to go stay with her for a wle should i ask or no.. because she has a girl friend and all?
Dan, You always nail it– but missed a couple beats in the houseguest arena. As someone as open minded as anyone, I do believe there are a few rules in addition to not leaving behind a bloody or spunky mess! My take: Have at it–BUT nobody had better hear you (moans, groans, excited screams, squeaky beds) or be able to follow the trail (leave nothing behind). This goes for the single guests wanting to rub one off as much as it goes for the couples. My partner and I have had quite a bit of fun, using the need for silence and, um, swallowing the evidence, as part of the thrill of a new location.
@180
“surgery to repair a cleft pallet. We do it with any child born with it”
Do you really not understand the difference between corrective surgery to repair birth defects and optional cosmetic surgery? A cleft pallet in and of itself is medically problematic, specifically for speech development and in more sever cases the infant can’t eat (breast feed) with one. If a cleft pallet was part of natural human development and if half of the population was born with one then maybe you’d have a point but that’s not the case.
“Similarly, we perform tonsillectomies despite a lack of evidence they help anything, painful recovery, ect.”
It’s fascinating that you’d use this example b/c they no longer do routine tonsillectomies for the exact reasons you mentioned. The approach now is if a problem arises then fix it otherwise leave it alone.
“if you think there’s any similarity between male circumcision and Female Genital Mutilation, you need to go to a library, read a book, or do a Google search. Conflating removal of the foreskin, and removal of the clitoris…..”
Except no one said that b/c they’re obviously not comparable. However not all female circumcision involves removing the clitoris, many involve only removing the labia/clitoral hood which is directly comparable. They both have nerve endings, they both have mucosa membranes, and the primary function of both is to protect the glans. Surely you don’t think that it’s an anatomical coincidence that both men and women are born with a protective layer of skin over the most sensitive external part of the body.
“Why does a preference for an uncut cock not count as terribly shallow, utterly silly, and completely subjective?”
Break each statement down to its essence and compare them:
“I prefer how people are born.”
vs.
“I prefer people who have had cosmetic surgery.”
If a guy had posted that he prefers women with breast implants then most people here would consider that shallow. Now maybe you wouldn’t find that shallow, who knows? But this is really getting away from the point, isn’t it? You’re sexual preference as an adult shouldn’t have any bearing whatsoever on whether or not you allow your son to decide for himself if he’s going to be cut or not.
“I see that statement touted a lot, but the basis of it is questionable:”
No it’s not, that is where it started. What’s questionable is whether or not that’s when mass circumcisions were performed. Here’s a quote from John Kellogg that illustrates it:
“A remedy (for masturbation) which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision, especially when there is any degree of phimosis. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases. The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice, and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed, it may be forgotten and not resumed.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey…
@195
You said there were no examples I could name of cosmetic plastic surgery routinely performed on children without knowledge and consent. I was able to cite more than one. Don’t change the goalposts and claim victory, now. That’s just dishonest.
To be honest, I’m not sure what you mean by “routine tonsillectomies”. Here in America, the policy even today is to remove them if the child has many infections, despite no evidence that a tonsillectomy actually fixes it. But, I think my point was that we do lots of things to kids when it doesn’t cause them long-term harm.
Your thing about FGM is still misstated. Removal of the clitoral hood still is not the same thing as removal of the foreskin. Your comparison (they share some qualities, so they must be comparable) is a bit like saying drinking must be bad for your stomach because alcohol hurts your eyes, and your stomach is made of some of the same tissue as your eyes.
There’s simply no medical comparison between the two practices, especially given that while there is evidence for a benefit to male circumcision, there is simply no medical basis for FGM (except in cases of removal due to infection or other problems).
And, yes, actually, I agree it’s shallow, think of it this way:
Compare the statements “I like women with big breasts” to “I like women with small breasts”.
In neither case is it not-shallow. But, there’s no way to quantify one being “less shallow” than the other. Given that a full half of the adult male population in America (and about a third in European countries and Australia) has been circumcised, it’s simply a matter of personal taste.
But, there are two separate arguments we’re having simultaneously:
1. Is circumcision “good” in a categorical sense?
2. Should circumcision be performed on infants/children?
If we can simply remove the first question as being one of personal taste, we can have a serious discussion of the second.
Let’s pretend your child has a vestigial tail. It’s a part of her body, but serves no great function. Still, it would hurt her to remove it (because it would have nerves, and sometimes even requires bone reformation). Would you have the tail removed, or wait for her to become an adult and decide for herself? Would you not worry about her getting undressed with a boy (or girl) and being embarrassed? What about gym class?
That’s the issue here, please don’t mistake it.
Oh, finally, citing a kook about what he thinks circumcision is about isn’t in any way proof of the reason why circumcision became a regular practice in America (and elsewhere). I bet I can find some nut who thinks the purpose behind prohibition was to try to increase the population by forcing people to have more sex for their entertainment.
John Kellogg did not speak for the American people writ large, or any part of the legitimate medical community. Don’t mistake him for someone qualified to comment on the reason behind circumcision.
Let me put it another way: if I claim that the purpose behind tonsillectomies is to make oral sex easier, would you believe it?
Love you Dan, great column!
IMO, The ettiquet for fucking in a friends house if you’re staying there is to ASK. My boy lives out of state – when he comes to here, we stay a friends place (because I currently live with family)because they like us, and they’re cool with us fucking. Because we asked. Same with any other friend’s I’ve stayed with with a partner.
Said friends also pointed out where all the sockets in the wall were, and also pointed out where the safer sex supplies and toys were. Which is what I’ve done for guests as well.
Why is it so hard for people to just ask?
This lady will take it a step further: I prefer men who haven’t been genitally mutilated.
Yeah, yeah, I know. There’s a very broad range of severity to the horrors of FGM, and how dare I make the comparison, blah blah.
Cutting a child’s junk is mutilation. It’s sick and wrong. Girls. Boys. Intersexed. Do not alter unless immediate illness is inevitable. Easy enough?
Cut, uncut, mushroom, small, big, medium-they’re all good. Be happy with what you’ve got.
You said there were no examples I could name of cosmetic plastic surgery routinely performed on children without knowledge and consent.”
Sorry but I didn’t say that and claiming that I did is dishonest.
“I was able to cite more than one.”
Yes and all three were in reference to birth defects not naturally occurring anatomy. As I said before, if half the population was born with webbed fingers or vestigial tails then you’d have a point but that’s not the case.
“Here in America, the policy even today is to remove them if the child has many infections”
That’s a perfect example of how it’s done. If there’s a direct, reoccurring problem then you deal with it; you don’t remove the kid’s tonsils b/c something MIGHT happen. Likewise, if your son was having constant infections/inflammations with his foreskin then you very well might need to consider a circumcision but otherwise you should just leave it alone.
“Removal of the clitoral hood still is not the same thing as removal of the foreskin…… There’s simply no medical comparison between the two practices.”
I’m sorry but you’re wrong:
“In female human anatomy, the clitoral hood is a fold of skin that surrounds and protects the clitoral glans. It develops as part of the labia minora and is homologous with the foreskin (equally called prepuce) in male genitals.”
“other women opt to have the hood surgically trimmed or removed so as to permanently expose part or all of the clitoral head. Such a procedure is akin to male circumcision and is sometimes known as female circumcision”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoral_ho…
“But, there are two separate arguments we’re having simultaneously:
1. Is circumcision “good” in a categorical sense?
2. Should circumcision be performed on infants/children?
If we can simply remove the first question as being one of personal taste, we can have a serious discussion of the second.”
Considering that this is pretty much exactly what I said in my last post then I think this is exactly what we should do. Even though there’s a big difference in my mind between “I prefer such and such version of how you were born” vs. “I prefer someone who’s had cosmetic surgery to someone who hasn’t” in the end, if people want to be shallow then that’s their deal. I you had a preference for women who’ve had antlers surgically implanted on their foreheads then I couldn’t care less.
It seems like the crux of your argument is based around whether or not your child might be teased at school. The majority of American men are circumcised therefore if your son is too then it would reduce the chances that he’d be teased. Well if that’s the case then if you lived in Europe, Japan, or Brazil then you’d absolutely NOT circumcise your son b/c the majority of men in those countries are uncut therefore by circumcising your son in any of those countries you’d be opening him up for being teased for his cut penis, right? And if this is the primary reason that you feel your son should be circumcised then shouldn’t you be petitioning to have parents declare whether or not their son is circumcised when they’re enrolled in school so that you can correctly place your son with similarly configured boys? Even in America it’s POSSIBLE that he’d be the only guy in the gym class with a cut penis.
But I don’t think the belief that your son MIGHT be teased comes close to being reason enough to surgically alter him without his consent. For example, my brother was teased mercilessly in school for having big ears so in your opinion my parents should have had his ears surgically tacked back so that he’d avoid being teased? Likewise, my friend’s sister was regularly made fun of because of the size of her nose so if you were her parent would you have taken her in for a nose job so that should wouldn’t have had to deal with the barbs and taunting? I can tell you for a fact that the worse taunting and teasing is reserved for fat kids so I guess my parents erred by not giving me a stomach staple or liposuction?
“Let’s pretend your child has a vestigial tail……..etc., etc.”
If there was any chance, even a very small one, that the process for removing the tail could result in extreme harm, up to and including castration, then no, I wouldn’t. And at the very least I’d wait till she was old enough to be anesthetized for the procedure.
“Would you not worry about her getting undressed with a boy (or girl) and being embarrassed? What about gym class?”
I’d do what it is that parents are supposed to do and explain what’s going on; I wouldn’t reach for a knife as the first solution to what may (or may not) be a problem in the future. And I don’t get the whole “but what about being teased by the other boys in gym class” angle. I went to gym class and even played football and there was not one time that we all sat around looking at each other’s penises. Not once. As a matter of fact it came up in conversation a while ago between some very old friends and me that two of them weren’t circumcised. I had absolutely no clue that they were uncut, despite spending the majority of our childhoods together, going to gym class together, and playing football together. Same thing goes for the “he needs to look like his father” argument. I’m sure that I’ve seen my dad naked in my life but it certainly wasn’t a pivotal moment in my development. And even if my penis did look different from his (which it would have anyway considering how young I would’ve been) then it would have easily been addressed with “I know you look different from me but your mother and I thought that you should decide for yourself…..so on and so forth.”
@196
“John Kellogg did not speak for the American people writ large, or any part of the legitimate medical community. Don’t mistake him for someone qualified to comment on the reason behind circumcision.”
I hate to burst your bubble but Kellogg wasn’t some fringe kook; he was very mainstream and popular during his time and he wrote many well selling books which is one of the reasons why his “nutritional supplement” was able to become one of the largest corporate empires in American history.
Although it’s still completely moot. Whether it was Kellogg saying that circumcision should be done to bring a stop to masturbation or it was turn of the century doctors claiming that circumcision cured epilepsy, convulsions, paralysis, elephantiasis, tuberculosis, eczema, bed-wetting, hip-joint disease, fecal incontinence, rectal prolapse, wet dreams, hernia, headaches, nervousness, hysteria, poor eyesight, idiocy, and mental retardation (all of which are turn of the century claims in favor circumcision) that fact remains that it still came to prominence in the US based on faulty medical information to the point of almost being farce.
BTW, 201 is @ 196