I’m a mostly gay male with a boyfriend who is also mostly gay. We are into BDSM—we are both tops and sometimes play with other sub men. I say we are “mostly” gay because we do like to fuck/top submissive women once in a while. We haven’t done this a lot, and never together because we don’t have the same taste in women—until recently. One of our new neighbors, a straight female, is very shy, but she’s opened up to us about her interest in BDSM. We took her to a play party, and she was okay watching others play, but any time anyone expressed an interest in her, she clammed up and withdrew. She stayed at our side the entire time.

We are interested in propositioning her. Our dilemma is in how to approach someone so gun-shy. We want to seduce her into the experience and not make her uncomfortable, but we can’t agree as to how to go about it. Another issue is that we think the reason she has been so open with us is because she assumes we are both 100 percent gay.

Two Guys And A Girl Toy

She meets two guys who live together, have presumably noisy BDSM sex with each other and other men, and identify themselves as gay. I’m sure you can appreciate why, under the circumstances, your neighbor might assume you two were gay, right? And that assumption convinced her it was safe to open up to you guys about her sexual interests—interests that are clearly scaring the shit out of her for the moment—because she further assumed, entirely reasonably, that you guys didn’t wanna stick your dicks in her.

The sooner you come clean, the likelier you are to get into her pants, mouth, ass, twat, etc. Do not attempt to be seductive. Putting the moves on her now could transform a minor and perhaps unwitting violation of her trust into a relationship-ending violation. Instead, just be, um, straight with her: “We should’ve said something sooner, [her name here], but we’re both actually bi, and we thought you should know that. And we also wanted you to know that we’re both attracted to you and, hey, if you want to explore any of this stuff that you’re curious about with us, we’d be up for that. If not, we’re happy to keep being your kinky, gay-identified, completely platonic buddies.”

I am a single, thirtysomething female who has been having a long-term affair with a married man. We have one rule: We tell one another if and when we fool around with other people. About a year ago, I discovered another affair he was involved in while he was out of the country, which he failed to disclose to me. I discovered it because he left his e-mail unattended. He was not apologetic, and I ended up being the one who begged for forgiveness for invading his privacy. He did, however, promise to end his relationship with the woman overseas. I recently discovered that he has struck up a fresh correspondence with this same woman. I gained this knowledge by invading his privacy again—this time by outright hacking his e-mail—but he also betrayed me, and he needs to be held accountable.

You are probably wondering why I am not just cutting this guy out of my life. We have amazing sex and enjoy the same kinks. It is difficult to find someone trustworthy to engage in these activities with. But how can I trust anything he says anymore? I really want to call him on this. He broke our rules. Do you think I am out of line in confronting him?

Mistress Is Pissed

According to the “Mistress, whining about being cheated on” listing in the Association of American Advice Columnists’ Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Staggeringly Self-Serving Bullshit, I’m supposed to slap the shit out of you, MIP. The DSM instructs me to respond to letters like yours with something like this: “Your lover is cheating on his wife with you, you dumb piece of shit, and you’re shocked to learn that he’s cheating on you, too?” That strikes me as a little harsh. So I’ll go with this instead: You can’t expect a guy to take your rules more seriously than he takes his vows.

As for confronting him: The last time you confronted him about another other-woman, MIP, you wound up begging for his forgiveness. So let’s skip the confrontation and accept reality: Unless you’re willing to walk away from the amazing sex, unless you’re willing to dump the motherfucker, he’s going to go on cheating on you and lying to you about it, rules or no rules. He won’t disclose when he’s messing around with other other-women, MIP, because it’s not just the sex that turns him on. Sneaking around, getting away with it, deceiving you and his wife and his other other-women—all of that gives him a feeling of power and control, and those feelings are as, or more, important to him than the orgasms. Accept it or get out.

I need support under my scrotum in order to ejaculate. I am 52 years old, and this condition has gotten worse as I have gotten older. When I am having intercourse, I need a position that supports or raises my scrotum, and when I masturbate, I need to put something under it. Is this okay? Is there a solution to make coming during intercourse easier?

This Old Scrote

Before I touch on your sack, TOS, I’d like to briefly—very briefly—touch on George Rekers’s. Rekers is a towering figure in the religious right. He’s the cofounder of the Family Research Council; a member of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality, a group that claims it can cure homosexuality; and the go-to guy for “expert” testimony about how gay people threaten and endanger children. And last week, Rekers got busted coming back from a 10-day European vacation with a 20-year-old male escort he found on Rentboy.com. Rekers told two reporters from the Miami New Times that he “can’t lift luggage,” so what other choice did he have but to hire a 20-year-old with an eight-inch cock?

To mark the downfall of yet another crazy and hypocritical closet case, I propose that “whatever floats your boat” be immediately and permanently retired in favor of “whatever lifts your luggage.” This will be George “Rentboy” Rekers’s legacy, his lexi-colonic gift to the English language. Help spread the meme.

Back to you, TOS: First, talk about this with a doc—get your sack examined and your prostate checked. If there’s nothing medically wrong, rest assured there’s nothing wrong. Some guys have large, loose sacks and sensitive balls, and the slap, slap, slap of intercourse or masturbation can be uncomfortable, and lifting your luggage spares you the slap, slap, slap. Alternately, TOS, let’s not forget that your dick, balls, sack, and taint compose one big erogenous zone. Lifting your luggage may provide you with a little bit of extra ball/sack/taint stimulation, added stimulation that helps put you over the top, and naturally you rely on that zap more at 52 than you did at 32. So instead of viewing your need for a ball lift as a problem that needs solving, why not view ball support as the solution to a problem. Or to put it another way…

Whatever lifts your luggage, TOS, whatever lifts your luggage.

mail@savagelove.net

142 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. The scrotum guy’s question reminds me of that traditional Jewish joke – “Hey Doctor, my elbow hurts when I move it like this.” “So don’t move it like this!”

    Whatever it takes!!

  4. My luggage has been lovingly lifted like that for about 50 years.

    While lifting my luggage has probably helped me to come over that period of time, it’s certainly lifted my desire to elevate my partners’ liking for what I can do for her to greater heights.

  6. To Blah @ # 3
    Take me, I’m a sub male (and a part-time cross dresser). I’m not that much into pain, which means I’ll probably scream pretty loud once you really hurt me.

  8. What a fantastic column. Best advice ever to MIP. DTMFA already. And on your way out, tell his wife that her husband has been getting his kickstand wet with you and at least one other bitch.

    and BTW. If I had any faith in humanity, I’d have lost it after reading your letter, MIP.

  9. MIP is a ridiculous woman who needs to sit in a corner. Is this a trend? Look at that lame porn star who slept with Tiger Woods. She lawyer’d up because her feelings were hurt that he didn’t apologize for going back to his wife(!). What the hell! Isn’t infidelity a sin or atleast act to be ashamed of. When did the third party become the victim?

  10. Jolly good on the outing of Rekers. Now gayness is a little bit closer to being recognized as an unchangeable preference, maybe? Eh??

  11. TOS, I don’t see the problem. Do what you need, in order to get the job done!

    I feel bad for MIP. There’s no point hitting her over the head with a stick in regards to the immorality of cheating with a monogamous married man. She already knows all that, and pointing it out to her won’t change her mind.

    But somebody needs to be a bit harsh and tell her to wake up! He is willing to cheat on the person he is married to and shares his life with. I’m not going to speculate on the emotional or sexual bond between him and his wife, but you cannot deny that there is a bond, nor can you underestimate it. His wife is his next of kin. She is the one who gets to decide what happens to him in the case of incapacitating illness. She is the one who is responsible for his debts, and whose debts he is responsible for. Even if he’s not in romantic love with his wife, he at least trusts her and likes her enough to keep her in this position in his life. And he’s willing to cheat on her. Why wouldn’t he be willing to cheat on any other woman he sleeps with?

    If you are going to keep sleeping with him, accept him for what he is. Don’t be another in a long line of women who lie to themselves about their man, despite the truth staring them in the face.

  13. TOS – I am SURE that someone, somewhere makes a sex toy or some other sort of device that can be worn during sex that will lift your “luggage”. And if not, there’s someone who will make it for you custom.

  14. O, Dan, I am so greatful every time you make me laugh! Your avice to TOS is just great and has such a punch line that I’m still smiling as I write this.
    This week’s column is solid, each advice straight (or gay) to the point, nothing important to add. Just a bitching coment for MIP: Ma’am, you are just trying to act as a control freak with your lover. Go on, keep doing it and destroy your affaire AND your marriage at the same time. Deep down, perhaps that’s what you are attempting to do.

  15. Good advice to 2 Guys and a Girl Toy … seduction sounds like it could be *scary* in that situation. She’d probably end up too mortified to speak to either of them again.

  16. Is it really so abnormal to be a little shy at a first play party (RE: two guys and a toy)? She only went to one and she hasn’t known those people long. Were they really expecting her to get tied up by strangers in public after 2 hours in the scene?

  17. @10: The third party is only a victim when he/she is unaware of their third party status. One of my good friends was in a relationship with a guy for 3 friggin years (and she ain’t dumb) before finding out SHE was the piece on the side.

  18. Total seconding of what Dan said & what Brie said to Mistress is Pissed. Don’t be pissed. Rewrite the rules or be willing to leave. You give away too much power when you assume that you won’t find anyone else to play your dirty games w/ you. You will. & maybe they won’t lie to you. You must be 100% willing to leave if this is a make or break issue, but I’d just scale back the guy’s importance, look harder for someone else who flicks yer Bic. Sounds to me like MIP’s lover is seeing other ppl but maybe she is not?

    @ 17 I don’t think the gayish neighbors were expecting her to go for it right away, at the play party. They might forget what’s it’s like to be squeaky-new in such a scene.

    I would like to add to Dan’s excellent advice to the want to be good neighbors: when you have the conversation Dan suggests above, please don’t have it in your or her apartment or house. Take her out somewhere for lunch. 😉 There’s a disruption of balance of power, telling her something like that over your place, & she might feel weird if you guys drop this news on her at her home as well. I dunno, maybe that’s only my hangup. But I suggest a neutral space for that revelation. I have many gay guy pals, & decent gaydar, so I dunno if this situation could happen to me. But if guys in my life I thought were gay really weren’t & liked me, I’d definitely need a drink w/ that news. OH the things I tell my Gay Boyfriends…

    Boffo, Dan.

  19. Mistress is pissed needs to equalize the power relationship. This is not a relationship based on trust. Keep reading the emails and keep it to yourself, get something on him, keep him guessing. You got to get your mind right. “Sneaky, backstabbing bitch with a smile” will get you much further than “good girl done wrong.”

  20. MIP says “But how can I trust anything he says anymore?” Why would you have ever trusted a guy who’s cheating on his wife with you?
    Good advice Dan.

  21. I can’t think of anything more pathetic than people like MIP, who whine about being “betrayed” by their married boyfriends. Just incredible.

    Oh and how exactly does one keep one’s email “unattended”??

  22. Ooh, good one, Dan. Most advice people would have focused on the “he’s cheating to BE with you” thing without explaining the underlying cause and therefore why he’s not going to change.

    Off to work “lifts your luggage” into a manuscript.

  23. Good advice to MIP. It’s amazing how people see what they want to see. She’s obviously in denial about this relationship … thinking she should be able to trust someone who has proven himself untrustworthy. There really is no other bottom line than “accept it or get out”. Pretty simple.

  24. Dan, I’m somewhat disappointed in your advice to TOS. Do you have no site he can go to to shop for a ball sling he can wear? (I would go looking for one myself right now, but I have to go to work.)

  25. It never fails to amaze me when “the other woman” starts to whine about men not being faithful. To be honest, I think it is incredibly fucking stupid.

    My step-dad was unfaithful with my mother, and divorce ended the marriage. The woman, or the last woman, he was unfaithful to my mother with ended up marrying him. Many years later, I ran into one of her daughters. She was telling me how my former step-dad had been, wait for it, unfaithful to her mother. All I could say was “No shit?”

    I am beginning to think that some women just like the drama and choose men like that on purpose.

  26. @20: You’re actually proposing that MIP transform herself into an obsessive, eavesdropping psychopath? That certainly won’t ‘get her mind right’ as you put it. She’s involved with a married man, and she needs to stop worrying about power and deal with reality. As Dan said, she should either accept the current situation or get out, plain and simple.

    Additionally, electronic eavesdropping is a criminal offense…

  27. “While we are extremely disappointed when any Christian leader engages in the very activities that they ‘preach’ against, it is not surprising.” — The Family Research Council
    Finally the FRC and I agree on something! Only for that one sentence, but, hey, it’s a start. Take out Christian and replace it with generically religious, political, or just plain leaders.

  28. Also, new twitter meme:
    George Rekers and his ilk to bring back “I’m not gay, but my _________ is!” t-shirts. Fill in the blank #hypocriteshirt
    Rentboy, bellhop, contracted European holiday companion who provides massages and dinner dates…

  29. MIP knows damn well she can’t trust this guy. If she didn’t know that, then she wouldn’t be repeatedly checking his email looking for evidence.

  30. About Rekers: I read the article that busted him, and it pointed out that he walked out of the terminal PUSHING THE LUGGAGE CART, while his young hireling walked ahead.

    Back feeling better?

  32. A woman who has decided to be the side project for a married man CAN NOT TRUST HIM. It’s part of the deal, honey, sorry to tell you. He is by definition untrustworthy. I know this from experience – despite the fact that he tells me one of the things he loves about me is our “honest conversations”. Ha. You mean the conversations we have about how we’ll hook up without your wife finding out?
    (And yeah, I’m in 5 years and counting. Yes, I’m a fucking idiot, no need to tell me.)

  35. I wish I had TOS’s problem. I come too damn quick. My wife started fucking other guys because of it. I’d asked her to work through the issue with me, but she just took care of her own needs with no concern for mine. There, I said it. In public, even. But guess what, I’m not using my real name…

  36. As much as I generally agree with DS here, I think he’s being a little hypocritical w/r/t MIP. If I remember correctly, DS has authorized or approved cheating by married men when they aren’t getting laid at all, especially when they’ve discussed it with the wife and nothing’s changed. If married men can sleep around, then they’ve got to with whom to sleep. For all we know, MIP’s married lover is one of those men. She and MIP made a deal to fuck non-exclusively. He lied, she found out. She’s got at least some right to be pissed. Now if MIP’s fuck buddy isn’t cheating on a sexually dead marriage this changes things. But jumping right on the “you deserved it” band wagon without further information was harsh and hypocritical.

  37. TOS’s letter is too perfect for the Rekers scandal! Dan, you would never make up a letter would you? In this case, you might get a pass.

  40. MIP’s excuse for getting out of the relationship is just weak. She can’t find anyone else to have sex with, no one else who enjoys the same kinky stuff? She’s single, and in her thirties, and CAN’T FIND ANYONE? That’s bullshit. Hell, I’m in my fifties, and with a little effort, even an old crank like me could find (probably more than one) person to enjoy sex with (as it is, I’m quite happy with the partner I’m with). Nah, she’s just a nitwit, afraid to look at her own B.S.

  41. this old scrote should fuck with a pair of women’s panties on. it’s really hot when my boyfriend wears mine when we do it (i’m a girl). that’s if this old scrote is straight, i guess. most pairs are flimsy enough for him to slip his dick out with ease.

  42. 26, I agree completely with the drama speculation. In addition, I think a lot of women who become mistresses do so because it makes them feel like they are special, because they must have something extraordinary about them to make a married man stray. It serves as an odd proof to them than they are “better” than the wife. Truth is the guy is often just an insecure POS looking for power and control and recognizes the other woman’s own insecurities and they play off each other. Though I do recognize that sometimes people stray from a loveless/sexless marriage and stay together for the kids, while having a very loving romantic relationship on the side. Though it doesn’t seem so in this case. MIP sounds like a moron who is just being used.

  43. 43 – yep, and the insecure POS somehow knows and feeds on the insecurity of the mistress who is looking for “something special”. It’s codependency at its finest.

  44. @37: Possible, and I mean, fair enough, but I think the onus here is on the letter writer to explain it if that’s the situation.

  46. I read the links on google re: the Rekers story.

    Dan> was the ‘we tried to change the sexuality of our child’ line a joke or an admittance of total hypocrisy on this issue?

  49. maybe the mistress wants to know about her man’s other women because she’s worried about STDs? if she doesn’t care about her man cheating on her but is worried about contracting something then she has every right to know who he is boning.

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