One of my best friends at college is gay. I’m a straight female with my own boyfriend. We’re going to be sophomores in the fall, and I feel like this is about the age where coming out to one’s parents is in order. However, my friend’s parents are conservative. His older brother is also gay—and when he came out, his parents cut off all funding for college and excommunicated him from the family, so my friend is understandably terrified.
When his parents come to visit, I tag along on “dates” with him to “meet the parents.” It’s a free meal, but it feels a little dirty to lie to his mom and dad about how “in love” we are. Moreover, my friend is coming to my house in California this summer. I had said I would love for him to come visit—as a friend. But his parents think he’s going to be staying with his girlfriend, and they’re thinking of tagging along so they can finally meet their future in-laws, i.e., MY PARENTS. I feel like this is getting way out of hand. How far should we take this act?
I Should Win An Oscar
When you feel bad about lying, ISWAO, remind yourself that you’re doing a good deed—you’re doing God’s work—every time you pass yourself off as this boy’s girlfriend. Yes, you’re lying to his mean-spirited, emotionally abusive parents, two complete shits who deserve so much worse than simply being misled. And he only lies to them because—for the time being—he must.
You should ask him to do three things to secure your continued cooperation in this deception. First, he has to make a solemn promise that he will come out to his parents the day after he graduates. Second, he has to reach out to his excommunicated brother and, if his brother can be trusted to keep his secret, he has to come out to his brother. Third, he has to break up with you at the end of the school year.
The course of true love never did run smooth, as someone or other once said, so a painfully messy June breakup with his college girlfriend—right before summer break!—not only makes your friend’s Potemkin heterosexuality that much more credible, it also gets you off the hook for this ill-advised summer visit. Then when September rolls around, ISWAO, you two crazy kids get back together. Repeat as necessary, i.e., be “on again” when his parents are in town, be “off again” when your parents are in town, over summer breaks, holidays, etc.
And help him look around for his next girlfriend—perhaps a lesbian student with similarly batshit parents—because he can’t expect you to be his beard for your entire college career.
I am a gay male teenager. I have not yet come out to my parents (I plan to soon), but my friends know. I’m curious why I relate more easily to my straight friends and am increasingly uncomfortable with my gay friends. Specifically, I have a lesbian friend who often makes jokes about “how gay I am.” In your opinion, are statements like that offensive (even considering the source)? Or am I still uncomfortable with myself? Your opinion on this matter would mean a lot to me.
Lost And Disillusioned
It’s good to have a sense of humor about yourself, LAD, whether you’re gay or straight or bi or whatever. Shrug off your lesbian friend’s comments if they’re not funny, laugh along with her if they are.
As for your preference for your straight friends: Right now there are a lot more openly straight kids in your life than there are openly gay kids. That means you’re drawing your straight friends from a much larger pool, and you’re able to be more selective about the straight people you hang out with. You can’t afford to be as selective when it comes to gay friends because (1) most gay kids your age aren’t out and (2) gays and lesbians are a tiny percentage of the population and you won’t meet lots of us until you get to one of those places where gays and lesbians clump up, i.e., large universities and big cities. Then you’ll be able to forge friendships with gays and lesbians whom you have something in common with besides your sexuality.
In the meantime, LAD, don’t write off all gays and lesbians everywhere as potential friends just because the few you had to choose from as a teenager weren’t among your best friends.
I need your help. I have entered into a period of my life where I am devoting all my mental resources toward my academics—grad school—and am not interested in dating. Thus, I bought a Real Doll so that I may enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period. Unfortunately, while my parents were visiting, my mom discovered it and she reacted very, very badly.
You see, my dear mother is a feminist.
She is very upset by the doll and believes that it is an indication that I have lost all respect for women. I do not feel this is true. I view myself as a feminist, and I realize this society sexually objectifies women. But I also believe that I can masturbate with a rubber woman and have wild fantasies and then come back to reality and respect everyone—men, women, others. My mother, however, is extremely upset, and we haven’t been able to have a civil conversation since. I am hoping you can possibly give me some perspective.
Dolled Up
My perspective: Your masturbatory routines—including your masturbatory aids/aides—are none of your mother’s fucking business. And if your mother wants to be shocked by something, DU, it ought to be that her son-the-grad-
student had $5K to plunk down on a sex toy.
Your options at this stage are pretty limited. You can apologize to your mother and tell her what she wants to hear (“You’re right, Mom, I’m making an appointment with a therapist and donating my Real Doll to sex-starved grad students in Africa…”). Or you can tell your mother to fuck off and butt out (“It’s my dick, Mom, and I’ll stick it in whatever I want. You remember that ‘my body, my choice’ stuff, right?”).
That said, DU, your claim that you bought a Real Doll so you could “enjoy fantastic masturbation during this loveless period” doesn’t quite pass the smell-of-day-old-spunk-moldering-in-the-lifeless-orifice-of-a-silicone-dummy test. Most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods with the help of the porn industry and their own right hands. And most guys who opt for insanely expensive, life-size, hard-to-hide sex dolls do have issues with women—most are plagued by feelings of inadequacy, not superiority—so you may want to entertain the possibility that your mother might be right.
But even if you do have issues with women—still an if—they’re still none of your mother’s fucking business.
Want more? Dan Savage will be in Questionland Friday, May 21, from 1-3 pm to answer as many of your questions about love, sex, and relationships as he can in two hours! Ask Dan Savage a question now!
These parents! I had an friend whose father tried to run over him with a truck when he found out he was gay. From loving dad to homicidal in five minutes flat. Insane.
And yet, I also knew a janitress who was very religious. She had five grown children, two of them gay men, and once told me the though she loved them all, she liked her gay sons the best. Being a walk yer talk person, she won a prize at work for donating the highest percentage of her salary to the United Way one year – a weekend in San Francisco. Her three straight children, all married, immediately started angling for her to give them the prize to use. Her gay sons went shopping and bought her a new luggage set.
See parents, what happens when you don’t disown the gay ones?
No, the parents don’t “owe” him a college education. But given that this young man is partway through his, it’s possible that he:
a) chose a school that is accessible to him through his parent’s means, though not through his own
b) didn’t do the legwork required to apply for scholarships/grants (and it’s likely too late to apply for any for next year)
c) may find it difficult to apply for the student loans/bursaries he would need, which in many areas are tied to one’s parents’ financial situation (regardless of their willingness to pay for college.)
If it’s in any way a struggle for the family, they shouldn’t be required to pay for a child’s education. But yanking the support out from under their son (except in the case of financial catastrophe) isn’t acceptable.
@7 My interpretation of “beard” is that a “beard” can be a sort of disguise (may be a fake beard, may hide a baby face); and also beards are recognized as a masculine feature (pubescent boys get teased about not being able to grow them, females get teased about having them)- facial hair is regarded as manly, and sometimes manly is used to mean, or confused with, “not gay”. Therefore, the fake girlfriend is a masking decoy as well as a tangible sexuality cue that communicates: “not gay”.
@47: Diane, I thought I was the only one whose parents refused to help me, and subsequently got physically ill (plus ruined my GPA trying to work 40+ night hours while carrying a full-time pre-med schedule). Thanks for sharing. People think I’m just lying when I tell the story.
I don’t think Dan’s advice to I Should Win An Oscar was very good. NOTHING ever good comes from being dishonest about who you are. The young lady’s friends may be jerks, and as a gay guy I agree they are. That said, once you are 18 your parents owe you nothing, and more importantly, you are finally in control of your own destiny. This young man may think he is “pulling the wool” over his jerky parents, but what he is really doing is diminishing his self worth as a human being. It is one thing if he doesn’t want to make a big announcement about his sexual identity, but it is quite another to engage in active deceit. I am sure this tired charade only makes him feel worthless as an individual. This young woman should stop participating in the deception and her friend should simply tell his parents that he and this woman are only friends and his private life is none of their business and leave it at that, or better yet, he should be brave and tell his parents he is gay whether they like it or not. Would coming out potentially cause him to lose his college funding and result in his family “cutting him off?” Possibly. But, at least he would start his new life with integrity and honesty and on HIS own terms, not his parents’ terms. One can always go to community college and then get loans and/scholarships (if you live on your own, your parent’s financial information is not considered) to finish off the remaining two years for a bachelor’s degree, but reclaiming ones self-respect and sense of self-worth after engaging in willful deceit is a much more difficult proposition.
@56
Yes, and its not whether you win or lose its how you play the game, and cheater never prosper, and violence never solves anything and .
I love the way commentors feel comfortable deciding how another person feels in a specific situation. Especially when the commentor seems to have no idea what its like to live in said situation. First, you have no idea how his self-worth is effected by lying to his hate mongering homophobic bigoted parents. Second, he’s had to live with these lies for years, probably ever since his parents terrified him into lying by cutting off his older brother while he was still a minor (presumably). Third, many good things come out of lying, the girl gets a free meal and the son has gotten half a college education, I’d call those good things. Whether the lie is worth the benefit is a subjective question.
Additionally, several commentors have stated that getting financial aid is based on parents income even if you do live alone, do you actually know your information is correct, or are you csimply guessing. Even if you are correct, in this economy, getting a good education is of vital importance to getting a job and beginning an independent life, some small deceit on an issue his parents have no right to know is actually a much less difficult proposition than starting a new life with no money, no job and no college education.
Finally, you’re use of the word possibly when you suggest his parents cutting him off was especially idiotic. Given that these miserable excuses for parents did the exact same thing to his gay brother, possibly should be replaced by almost certainly. At least have the common decency to acknowledge being cut off by his parents as a virtual certainty, not one of other equally likely possibilities.
@56 — You know what’s likely to kill a guy’s sense of self-worth and feeling of integrity more than lying to his parents about his sexual orientation?
Doing the ‘right thing’ and being told by his parents that he’s a hell-bound abomination who isn’t their son any more and doesn’t deserve an education because of something outside of his control. Would he have more integrity if he were to get cut off for his honesty and milk the trauma of that to help get loans and scholarships?
No matter what he does, at his age he’s not going to get anything entirely on ‘his own terms.’ If the biggest indicator of his self-worth is going to be how he managed to pay for school and not, say, managing to successfully graduate then he’s got problems that honesty with his parents isn’t going to solve anyhow.
Plenty of teens do what you suggest and are driven to suicide (or, less often, killed or beaten) over the resulting fallout. I’m pretty sure far less people commit suicide as a result of going to some effort to not have to hear “I hate you and you should burn in hell” from the people who spent a good chunk of their lives raising them.
As a former grad student, I had plenty of time for sex. Yeah, it’s hard to sustain a relationship with a non-grad student. But grad programs are full of other busy graduate and professional students, many of whom are also busy and horny. Not to mention the undergraduate option; it’s really not creepy for a 24 year old grad student to bone a 22 year old undergrad. I strongly recommend he make Saturday night a night to ditch lab/the books and go be social. I know plenty of very successful graduate students who didn’t completely sacrifice their sex and social lives for their degrees.
56
Not true that your parents’ income isn’t considered if you live on your own. Unless you are orphaned, or a ward of the state, your parents’ income is counted until you are 24. My parents couldn’t afford to help me, and I lived on my own, and paid my own taxes, and I still couldn’t get independent status. You can’t even get it if you claim estrangement, unless you have a priest (or someone with similar status) vouch that you really are estranged. I know that, because I had to wait until I was 24 to transfer to a four-year school.
So quit pretending it’s easy to blow your parents off while in college. Remember– I couldn’t afford to pay for the portion my parents were officially considered to be paying AND THEY WERE TOO POOR TO ACTUALLY HELP ME. If this kid’s parents actually can help him, then their income is high enough so that he probably can’t get any grants at all.
@55
Yeah. And it kills me how people are always saying it’s “good” for you. Builds character and what not. It builds character when it doesn’t freekin’ ruin your health.
I couldn’t afford food, so I lost a lot of weight. I also became anemic. I started throwing up randomly, and I had a nervous breakdown at one point. It was most pointedly *NOT* good for me. I almost asked to be emancipated with the report of abuse, but my father was a cop and if it got back to his boss, he’d have lost his job. And I had a fifteen year old sister at home.
And NO-One believes that a parent would do that to their child. “Oh I’m sure your parents wanted t
My parents never went to college so they believed all these lies about college students from TV. o help.” or “You couldn’t have been that sick.”
(ex. That college students lie to their parents to get money so they can party. Or that they waste their money on toys and extras.) Oh, and most insulting of all, my parents believed that if they co-signed my student loans I would not pay my loans and they’d have to. Because I’m an immoral dick that way. Of course.
Yeah. I’m a little bitter.
Great column! I really enjoyed the “Potemkin heterosexuality” reference.
I wonder if LAD’s experience with gay friends vs. straight friends also has to do with young GLBT being focusing on sexuality as a key aspect of their identity. You know, learning the new stereotypes, wanting to mark their belonging in the community by trotting them out.
I think young straight folks also can be highly focused on sexuality, like sex is still such a huge deal when you’re like 19. You’re thinking it all through and wanting to think it all through with your friends. I think the sexuality as identity thing tends to have another layer with GLBT folks though.
First: IMO, parents DO by and large owe their kids a college degree.
No, they shouldn’t spend their pensions or medical funds on sending their kids to college. But if they can afford it, and their kids can qualify academically and perform adequately in college they *DO* owe it to them to pay all or as much of the tuition as they possibly can. And yes the kid should work at least summers to help with those costs.
What parents don’t owe their kid: an iPhone, a car when they graduate High School, Yale tuition, or a fucking wedding.
At one time an adequate education in the U.S. meant a one room school. Nowadays, if the kid isn’t going to go into a trade or sales, or just live in the basement, it means seeing them through an undergraduate degree.
Second, as a straight, 60 something woman, I am amazed at all those “lying is always wrong” commenters.
You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.
He isn’t just lying to get the college degree that will offer him a decent life as an adult. It is also to protect him from his parents’ abuse and terroristic threat of abandonment – abuse and abandonment for which he has no legal recourse, BTW.
Given how they treated the older brother, I suspect the homophobic parents of ISWAO’s gay friend have been watching him and pushing him to “behave normally” since he was a toddler. Especially once his older brother revealed his “contaminating ways”.
Who knows what kinds of things happened to this kid at the hands of these parents as they watched every move he made, or didn’t make.
I bet Dad has been forcing his boys to watch and engage in “manly” stuff and ridiculing the least evidence of “sissy” preferences or inclinations. I bet the kid has endured more than one prayer intervention.
ISWAO, you have been doing a good thing for your friend – saving him from a lot of psychological abuse. What other choices would your friend have had? – get kicked out and live on the street? – let the parents haul him off to a ” Gay Cure” camp or some anti-gay psychiatrist?
Third. ISWAO’s friend should be very careful and consider whether he can truly trust the brother to be as helpful as ISWAO has been.
Otherwise, I think Dan’s solution is excellent. I also think @42’s is the way to do it. Wonderful idea!
dan, there are a LOT of gay and lesbian folks working within a lot of universities’ financial aid offices. they know which strings can be pulled for financial emergencies during the year, and usually they like to help the poor LGBT students with coming out family problems. of course, it’s all quiet/hush-hush/DL, and a student can’t usually just blindly walk in with a sob story – but ask around and find the helpful administrators and staff that would know whom to speak with within the departments. we are everywhere. we can help.
I looked up the “beard” use in the OED. I find a use of it to mean “one who bets for you” in the 1950s. In the early 70s it started being used in both straight and gay culture as Dan used it here. I, too, thought it was from Shakespeare. I do know of early uses of “beard” to mean insult/mock as in “to beard the lion in his den.” I bet it did come from the idea of a false beard as a common disguise, and I suspect first use in the gay community, though the OED has no evidence of this.
I guess I’m naive, but when I finished reading the first letter, I went into shock when I realized it was written in 2010. This ludicrous lying-to-please-the-parents bullshit is still going on?? I guess it wouldn’t be much help to recommend they look into PFLAG, would it…
@Creezy – right, just as if being 100% honest in the rest of your life is always the right option.
If you were desperate to get out of your job, and knew your boss would fire you if you told them that, would you be honest or perhaps use half a brain and continue to look for something else whilst still in a job?
His parents want him to be educated and find a decent job – he’s holding up his end of the bargain. The fact there are also unspoken conditions isn’t necessarily relevant.
All the comments here are right on the money–what I cannot believe is that they are already measuring their college sophomore son for a wedding tux and wanting to meet his girlfriend’s parents. That is way over the line; it sounds like they are very controlling of his life generally. There might be a lot more ways for him to lose his college education than just coming out. They want him married at the age of 20? That is at least as sick as disowning their other son. I’m wondering if this is an immigrant family, as this would be typical of their approach.
It’s always nice to take the moral high ground of “Don’t ever lie, you’ll lose your self-respect!” when looking at someone else’s life. Note that the people in support of that are usually ones who have not actually experienced this situation themselves, while many of the ones in favor of lying are those whose lives were fucked up due to things just like this.
The real world does not offer black and white solutions. I too can vouch for the fact that your parents’ income continues to be considered, despite independent living, until you’re 24. And in today’s world, it is extremely difficult to live a financially independent life at 18, even if you are extremely motivated to do so. Others have pointed out how housing is almost impossible to acquire, not to mention that it’s practically impossible to get a job out of high school that could remotely allow for you to pay for college. Notice how those here who have managed it only did so at the expense of their physical and mental health.
Basically, to come out to his parents, ESPECIALLY considering the earlier example of what happened to his brother, would cause an impact that might effect the entire course of his life negatively. People lie to their parents about all kinds of things they wouldn’t want to know about their kids. Sometimes there are situations (like the Real Doll), where lying would have preserved more self respect than truthfulness. Outside of a situation, it’s always easy to say how someone ought to act in a perfect and upstanding way, but the outcome of such acts is not universally what’s best for all involved. And yes, I do think there is some cosmic justice in this guy’s parents being taken for all he can get from them, after what happened to his brother. That’s not what I think he’s doing – it just sounds like he wants his damn education – but I’d be grinning evilly if he managed to get a new car and some other random things out of the deal.
My biggest problem would be feeling guilty that my brother took the hit that allowed me to not make that mistake. I wasn’t entirely truthful about everything I did in college because my Mom wouldn’t want to know. Did she know? Sure, but it wasn’t thrown in her face.
If the parents have committed to his education and haven’t outright asked if he was gay first b/c of the older brother situation, then I think he is justified in getting the education. He and the beard can love each other as friends…. so is he actively lying, or allowing them to jump to conclusions?? Not his responsibility to manage their expectations, although if that was possible probably both he and his brother would be happier people. And DrReality, if he gets a car and some other goodies, he should give them to his brother…
The use of “beard” as a woman who pretends to be the female companion of a gay man dates back to at least the 1960s. According to the interwebs the male equivalent for a lesbian is a “merkin”. A merkin being a pubic wig, first used by prostitutes in the 16th century when the shaved their pubic hair to prevent the spread of lice.
Who knew? I recommend merkin as The Stranger word of the day. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merkin
What the fuck is the difference between ISWAO’s buddy and any other collaborator? If a black person were to slap on some white make-up and kiss some honky ass for a scholarship, he would be shunned. This is why a lot of blacks thought you were all so full of shit in the Prop 8 battle. Have fun convincing people being gay is not just a lifestyle choice as you gleefully pull this crap.
I’d like to thank Dan for his no-bullshit response to Dolled Up. It seems this guy probably does have some issues with women. And if he doesn’t, what the heck is a kid in grad school doing spending $5,000 on a sex doll? (I’ve seen the Real Doll Web site before, it’s pretty absurd). Both points Dan raised.
Most students who are “too busy” for a relationship do use porn, or find other people who are “too busy” for a relationship to be their fuck buddies.
I’d say anyone who spends $5K on a life-size, custom-designed fuck doll has some serious issues.
wow, I thought I was the only one who got cut off and physically ill trying to get an education…
My parents, who were kind and loving in my early years, got more and more distant as I matured and they suspected I was gay. They flat out refused to pay for college, sign loan applications, ANYTHING, and I was in the top 3% of my class nationwide! I missed a partial architecture scholarship at Ohio State because they wouldn’t budge.
Finally, they relented and let me go to art school IF I paid entirely for the first year and said they would pay for the remainder…
I spent several thousand dollars I had saved working at a grocery all through high school for tuition and room and board. During the second semester, my older gay roommate was in cahoots with my father and outed me to my family, way before I was ready. This caused incredible problems and stress for me; I was hospitalized with stomach ailments and missed so many classes I flunked out of school.
Then they disowned me. I was 19, homeless, broke, and uneducated.
I moved to Florida with ex-schoolmates and got a job in a toy store. I eventually got into graphic art and became an art director making more than $100K a year, but I often wonder where would I be today if that episode hadn’t happened?
BTW, my straight little brother lived at home, got a 4 yr degree and 2 masters with their help.
Yep, every child deserves a mother and father.
wow, I thought I was the only one who got cut off and physically ill trying to get an education…
My parents, who were kind and loving in my early years, got more and more distant as I matured and they suspected I was gay. They flat out refused to pay for college, sign loan applications, ANYTHING, and I was in the top 3% of my class nationwide! I missed a partial architecture scholarship at Ohio State because they wouldn’t budge.
Finally, they relented and let me go to art school IF I paid entirely for the first year and said they would pay for the remainder…
I spent several thousand dollars I had saved working at a grocery all through high school for tuition and room and board. During the second semester, my older gay roommate was in cahoots with my father and outed me to my family, way before I was ready. This caused incredible problems and stress for me; I was hospitalized with stomach ailments and missed so many classes I flunked out of school.
Then they disowned me. I was 19, homeless, broke, and uneducated.
I moved to Florida with ex-schoolmates and got a job in a toy store. I eventually got into graphic art and became an art director making more than $100K a year, but I often wonder where would I be today if that episode hadn’t happened?
BTW, my straight little brother lived at home, got a 4 yr degree and 2 masters with their help.
Yep, every child deserves a mother and father.
@19.
The problem with a gay person pretending to be single to prevent beign dosowned by parent/grandparents whatever is that as long as they’re perceived as single, those parents/grandparents/whatever will tend to endlessly parade potential heterosexual mates before them and try to set them up.
I take issue with Dan’s generalization that “most guys manage to tough out their loveless periods with the help of the porn industry and their own right hands.” While that may be true for many, it’s not always the case.
Some of us are left-handed.
@27
I suppose I could have been more diplomatic. Instead of saying it’s a categorical obligation, I could have said “insofar as parents are able, and have indicated a willingness, they owe it to their children to pay for college, and not revoke it for entirely stupid reasons”.
But, holy crap man, would that have been a mouthful. For the record, I paid for college myself, but my parents would have paid for it if they could. What’s with the rugged individualist shtick? Good for you, that you supported yourself at eighteen, but why in the world would that mean that it’s unreasonable to expect that those parents who can provide for their children’s education should?
And, not for nothing, but I’m fine with lying, conniving, and cheating parents who would deny their child the benefits of paying for his college education solely based on sexual orientation. I’m honest to a fault, but people who are total scum don’t deserve the respect of honesty or forthrightness.
@30
Always nice to be appreciated :-). There do seem to be a few people here who don’t devolve into personal attacks and vitriol at the first sign of disagreement. @27 notwithstanding
@35
If it were a constant necessity, I would agree. If she had to be his beard 24/7, even to the preclusion of her own romantic interests, I would think her friend were being unbelievably selfish. Or if it were over the top; if she were expected to make out with him in front of her parents, or if he demanded that they ‘catch’ them together, I would agree he’s being unreasonable.
But, he’s asking for a relatively small amount of time out of her life in order to prevent his from becoming awkward (at best) and much more difficult (at worst). Should she set better limits? Obviously. Is he a bastard for asking? No
@36
So, in the interest of being “open” and “honest” and “owning his gayness”, you’d advise him to basically throw away the financial support of his parents, and make it much more difficult for him to finish college?
And what does he gain? A sense of accomplishment for telling bigots to fuck right off? He can do that any day of the week, just find a few Republicans. The sense of wholeness that comes from embracing his identity? Maybe, but he’s only closeted to people who can adversely impact his life if they find out, and who would disapprove. He’s out to the people who matter to him.
You know what’d really stick it to his parents? Graduate, and on the day of graduation, tell them that they’ve sent a big ol’ gay son to school for four years, and now they can blow it out their ears.
@38
Solidarity is nice. Knowing that you’re in it together is nice. But screwing yourself over for no gain except to be put in the same “yep, we got screwed” boat isn’t worth it.
If your brother got shot by gangsters, and lost the use of his legs, would you feel guilty if you didn’t go get shot as well? If you learned from his actions that a set of behaviors (even if the behavior itself is innocuous) can be harmful to you?
Or do you think your brother would feel good knowing that his sacrifice meant you didn’t end up just as fucked over as him?
@56
Jesus. I have now learned that the only thing more pontificating and condescending than a straight-laced college student is an out-of-the-closet homosexual.
Is it good to be open, and honest, with yourself and with the people you care about? Sure. Is it necessary to throw that in the face of everyone in the interest of making a break from anyone who might disapprove? Probably not. Is it smart to do so even when it has obvious and directly adverse consequences? Hell no.
@73
Never let the facts get in the way of a good story, eh?
But, you’re trolling, and know you’re trolling, so I’ll not belabor the point.
I always assumed that fake girlfriends were called “beards” because they do the same thing a beard does – make a man look more stereotypically “masculine.”
And how the hell does a grad student come up with enough money for a RealDoll? I live in a college town, and most of the grad students I know can barely scrape up the $2.00 for a happy-hour PBR. His mother is probably mad because she’s been giving him money to help him make rent, and just found out where it’s all been going.
Seriously, dude, something you sink that much money into is NOT a casual tool to help you through a dry spell. That’s a lifestyle. It’s a fine one if it makes you happy, but own it.
I love the Real Doll letter. I love hardcore feminists that don’t believe in male sexuality. But I think what we have here is alot more Freudian than feminist. Mother wants to control her son and son wants mother to love him. Cmon Dan, you are such a pragmatist that some of the deeper things are overlooked. Oedipus, baby!
I agree that part of being a good friend is helping out the people you care about. However, anyone who asks you to lie for them or in any other way compromise your person or beliefs is no friend of yours. Granted there are exceptions in the case of imminent life and death situations, but that does not appear to be the case here. Once a person starts to lie and becomes comfortable with lying, they run the risk that they will choose to lie because it is easier and less painful, in the short run, than to tell the truth.
For some people it is extremely stressful to be put in a position where they are coerced into lying (e.g. you’re not my friend unless you lie for me).
ISWAO is now being put into a position where she is not only deceiving her friend’s parents, but would be required to deceive her own parents during the summer since I kind of doubt that her parents would be willing to participate in the deception. Even if they were willing to participate, their attitude towards their daughter may change since she will have demonstrated a willingness and ability to lie and deceive. That is not something that would bring joy to most parents.
Unless ISWAO’s actual boyfriend is fully aware of the situation and completely on board with her actions, she is courting disaster and jeopardizing her relationship with her boyfriend. What ISWAO didn’t say is what her actual boyfriend is doing this summer. Imagine how awkward things would be it he decided to surprise her with a visit while her friend and his parents were visiting. How would her boyfriend react if she told him she didn’t want him to visit or she invented an excuse (lie) so he wouldn’t visit. Think about the repercussions if he discovered the lie
Even if her boyfriend fully supports her actions, she will have demonstrated to him her willingness and ability to lie and deceive planting the seeds of distrust in their relationship. Most people don’t want to be in a long term relationship with a known liar since you always have to worry about whether they are lying to you.
To those of you who are condoning lying when you are doing “God’s work”. Remember, this is just another way of saying the ends justify the means, which has always been used to justify torture and an infinite number of atrocities.
#81 — I was gonna say it, but you said it first, and better.
I am so sorry to hear how many contributors have been treated badly by their parents for coming out. For the record, if any of my 3 children in australia come out in college- its off to PFLAG (yes, we have PFLAG in Oz), kisses all round, brace myself, and tell ’em how much I love ’em for being so brave. I would feel I had failed as a parent if they kept it from me.
@39 You brought up the problem that many Wiccans and similar folks have something similar to a “coming out” moment. Speaking from experience (both my own and many of my friends), the most common pattern is very similar to ISWAO’s friend: keep it carefully hidden until you’re no longer dependent on parental support. And you’d better believe that most of em don’t let on to their religious viewpoints in a professional context either.
There is one difference though, because being Wiccan is really a choice, whereas being gay is not.
DU’s mom thinks his doll means he hates women?
HMMM.
So do feminists’ plastic dildos mean they hate men?
NOT NECESSARILY.
There’s nothing wrong with DU having a sex doll if he enjoys it, and has plenty of cash to spend on it.
What doesn’t ring true is that he has no time for a woman. Clearly he has enough time for sex, and probably enough time to socialise, so the answer is that he’s not prepared to maintain a casual relationship.
I can understand that viewpoint – I don’t put up with bullshit behaviour like being asked to drop everything at short notice for no sensible reason. However, the solution is to look for a no bullshit woman – not to buy a sex doll.
I assume DU’s mother’s reaction to his Real Doll was that he had it custom made to look like her.
“and then come back to reality and respect everyone—men, women, others”
Trolldar not just tingling but lifting my luggage!
The college guy’s parents have shown themselves to be jerks, so the son doesn’t owe them honesty, quite yet. I probably wouldn’t want him to come out to his brother yet either–there might be feelings of resentment and bitterness and the brother would out him to the parents. Maybe send the brother some money and offer some help if needed. There’s really no point in telling the parents quite yet. Do you tell your parents the whole truth about your life? Sex dolls, number of sex partners, abortions, same-sex experiments, fetishes? No. I don’t think there’s a need to have a constant girlfriend either. Take a semester off. One other good point about having the parents pay for college–it keeps them from donating this money to Focus on the Family, or other right-wing causes.
Lack of a college education, on average, drastically affects earning power throughout life.
Lack of parental support adversely affects ability to pay for college, particularly as has been mentioned in the other comments, the government and colleges calculate your eligibility for financial aid based on parental income.
If parents cut off a child’s tuition support that can delay or even end a child’s college career, negatively impacting their future.
And about “owing” a college education — if the parents have already MADE that promise — which in essence they have because the gay son is already in college on their dime — then they DO owe it to him to finish. And if they are going to renege on THEIR word because of additional conditions they throw onto it (ie, he has to be straight to keep getting funded), then he is absolutely justified in continuing a charade until he graduates and can start to stand on his own two feet.
He should try to minimize the effect on his friend the beard, like Dan and others suggest, but when the parents have already made it clear there will be adverse consequences if he comes out (ie, what happened to his older brother), then it’s the parent’s problem, and THEIR fault, not their son’s.
“It’s not lying if they make you lie”.
@13 Since when is paying for college “charity” or anything other than meeting basic parenting obligations? No one forced them to have a child, they chose it, and when you choose to create a child in a world where that child’s best chance for success and well-being is to graduate from college, you are assuming an obligation to do everything in your power to facilitate that happening. And that obligation doesn’t go away because the child is gay, even if the parents happen to be bigoted Fuckasauri (that’s the plural of Fuckasaurus Rex).
@5: my boyfriend just dumped me because I had surgery, lost over 100 lbs, and am no longer fat enough 🙁
I know I am going to get some flack here, but……I am a gay man who disagrees with Savage’s answer to the Gay Closeted College Student. GCCS is over 18 now, right? If he thinks that his parents will “cut off his college funding” if he comes out; well then…he should get his OWN funding. There are grants out there, even for students who have already started college. Get a part time job. By becoming self sufficient he will no longer have to live by his parents whim. Plus “using” them for their $$ is wrong if he is just biding his time till he can graduate/come out/be done with them. Plus faking a relationship with a girl,…giving them false hope that their other son is ‘Normal”….is going to crush them emotionally even more than if he had been dropping hints this whole time, or had even come out when he was younger. Though the parents feelings are misguided, THEY have feelings too. Plus….they might have a change of heart when they are faced with the choice of disowning (“you are dead to me”) BOTH of their only sons, rather than learning to accept what he is. This might eventually lead them to welcome the older son back, someday. No matter how strict a parent is, giving up two sons would be highly difficult for any parent to do.
Grow some balls, take care of yourself, and give your parents a choice. They might surprise you. Though the PC ideal is that parents love for each child is equal, in reality parents love for each child is different.
what the fuck is up with ISWAO???!!! HORSESHIT ADVICE FROM SAVAGE!!!
what the fuck does having a pretend relationship have to do with your friend being gay? NOTHING!!!
YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE SHIT!! for putting on such a stupid bullshit lie to these supposed homophobes. and so what if they are, thats their issue.
if i was your real boyfriend whom you somehow keep happy on the side, i would think you insane and leave.
YOU BOTH NEED TO GROW THE FUCK UP.
Some parents can help with education, some can’t. Some will, some won’t. I hope like hell some of the responders so bitter about not getting help really understand the difference. ’cause from here it sounds like a whine-fest. There is nothing stopping anyone from getting themselves through college. Nothing. You do have to WAIT until you’re 23 to get student loans and grants, but if it’s not worth the wait then I guess working for min. wage will be good practice for college life anyway.
Careful…although I completely agree with Dan that ISWAO’s gay friend’s parents are hateful shits and deserve to be conned out of their college tuition money, my concern is for her. Playing the “beard” can hurt if it gets hard to keep it in perspective. How much do you care for your friend? Quite a lot, if you are willing to go to such lengths to help him. Could be that if you play the role of a couple in love too long – or too well – you’ll end up wishing it was more than an act. And that can ruin what would otherwise be a lovely friendship. Just make sure you’re fooling everyone except yourself.
Lying is never the answer. Why can’t he come clean with his parents, stop asking a friend to be deceitful and work for his tuition?
One thing to lie but asking someone else to do it is just plain bad taste.
No-one owes you anything. If you have those beliefs, then it’s easier to be happier for the little things in life.
Everyone, remember – this is ISWAO’s letter, and her problem – not her friend’s.
True, he’s in a lousy situation and he has lousy parents. But this isn’t about HIS relationship with his parents. This is about ISWAO’s relationships; HER problem.
ISWAO has already gone above and beyond in helping out her friend. Lying once or twice to help him out? Fine. A good deed even. But then lying for months? And possibly involving her own parents in the lie as well? Screw that.
If her friend has to lie to his parents, it’s understandable, and it’s too bad. But in asking her to go to such lengths, he’s trying to make his problem hers, and that’s no way for a friend to act.
He needs to cowboy up, and at least tell his parents he’s not seeing ISWAO anymore. Leave her out of his drama. She’s paid her friend tribute; meanwhile, what has he ever done for her?
13, 27, & 56 and anyone else saying Dan’s advice to ISWAO sucked are right.
Integrity is important.
I think it’s understood by all that ISWAO’s friend coming out to his parents most definitely is NOT the easy way to go. Nobody’s denying that. But is there no longer ANY value in taking the high road in life? Should situational ethics always be our yardstick? Sorry, but I don’t think so.
I agree with those saying ISWAO’s friend is no friend if he’s getting her to participate in this deceit. ISWAO needs to end this, NOW.
I firmly believe that it is completely acceptable for ISWAO to lie to his parents about being gay. I think his parents are twits, and right now his first obligation should be to himself. People may like to rant and rave about honesty and integrity, but compromising your well-being (your food, your housing, your education, your employment opportunities) so that your bigoted parents can hurt you is foolish. He should only tell them when they no longer have the ability to hurt him in a way that compromises his future.
That being said, ISWAO and the guy are making things too complicated. Keep “dating” until closer to the end of the year and then break up. Don’t get back together. He can tell his parents he just hasn’t found the right person yet. He shouldn’t need to have a girlfriend CONSTANTLY in order to maintain his straight card with his parents. Lots of straight guys don’t have girlfriends. If his parents start getting icky again, he can re-evaluate getting a beard again, but these should be SHORT term girlfriends (no more of this “future-in-laws” stuff).
If ISWAO’s friend ever feels the need to atone for lying to his parents, an appropriate way would be to quietly complete his degree on Dad’s dime, get an awesome, well-paying job, and then fund his brother’s education.