I’m a straight male college student in a relationship, which had been going great. The only incongruity was that, for a religious reason, I don’t want to have penetrative vaginal sex before marriage. I’m up for anything else—I would eat her out, piss on her, whatever else—but not vaginal sex. I made this clear at the beginning. My girlfriend started bringing up how she wanted to have “actual” sex. I told her, “I love you, and if you need to fuck other guys, go for it.” To my relief, she was offended by the suggestion.
A week later, she confessed that she had slept with someone. I feel like I can’t trust her now, and I can’t bring myself to sleep in her bed anymore. I feel like a hypocrite, since I brought up the idea of her sleeping with someone else in the first place. But I was unprepared for the reality, since she berated me for making the proposal at all. Still, I told her to do this. She regrets the hookup. I don’t know if I’m even asking for advice. I just wonder if I’m acting childishly.
Wishing Ancillary Fucking Felt Less Emotionally Ruinous
Your dilemma is interesting, WAFFLER, but you know what I’m more interested in? I’d really be interested in finding out which particular faith tradition frowns on penetrative vaginal intercourse before marriage but smiles on eating pussy and piss scenes and okays women having vaginal intercourse before marriage so long as they’re having it with guys they don’t intend to marry. That sounds like a church I’d like to visit. Hell, that sounds like a church I should be tithing to.
Look, WAFFLER, doing everything-but-sticking-your-dick-in for religious reasons is deeply silly. If you’re going to be in a sexual relationship, be in a sexual relationship. I promise you that any God who frowns on fucking-pussy-before-marriage also frowns on piss-play-before-marriage and eating-pussy-before-marriage.
As for your dilemma, WAFFLER, either you need to find a girlfriend who wants what you want—or doesn’t want what you don’t want—or you need to stop playing bullshit games and start fucking the girl you’ve got.
To say that I have recently been bored at work is a gross understatement. I have turned it into an opportunity to read all the archived Savage Love columns I can find on the internet, which has led me to three questions:
1. Your advice has always been sassy and matter-of-fact, but it seems to me that your advice is becoming less acidic as time passes. How has your attitude toward the sex-advice business changed over the years?
2. Why don’t women brag about their clit size?
3. Are you still into Ashton Kutcher or do you have a new fantasy flame?
Your Devoted Reader
1. I get a lot of mail from people telling me I’ve changed. Half write to tell me that I’ve become an insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick, and half tell me I’ve gone soft, I’m too nice, I’ve lost my edge, etc. Not sure what to make of that.
2. Clits aren’t inserted into anything—not typically—so a big clit doesn’t earn a woman any bragging rights. And a small clit, harder to locate and harder to stimulate, is nothing to brag about either. And while the clit—all of it, not just the exposed part—is central to a woman’s sexual pleasure, it’s not the showiest part of a woman’s package. That would be the labia. And it’s not the part a man is most interested in. That would be the vagina. So while the clit is hugely important to her, it’s not necessarily all that important to him.
3. I still admire Ashton Kutcher’s work ethic—the man is an acting, producing, tweeting machine—but my crush on Ashton evaporated halfway through the first episode of Punk’d. My current celebrity crush is Bill Hader as Stefon on SNL‘s “Weekend Update.”
I have recently started dating a sexually adventurous man. He is the first person to successfully fist me, and it’s fantastic. When I orgasm, I squirt. Lots. Afterward, the sheets are soaked and I’m in a puddle. We’ve put towels down, but the sheer volume of liquid soaks through them. Without towels, it soaks all the way through to the mattress. I’m not super-pleased about ruining my mattress, and the postcoital sleeping on very wet sheets is not ideal.
I don’t really want to sleep on a plastic-wrapped mattress and change my sheets every time we have sex. Does anything exist that’s super-absorbent that I could put down during sex, or even something that might go under the sheets to at least protect the bed?
Wasting Endless Towels
The bed is a nice place to sleep, a good place to read, and an obvious place to fuck. But you can have sex elsewhere, WET, and you can acquire just-for-fucking furniture/furnishings without going to hell with the vaginal-before-marriage crowd. Go to a sporting-goods store and pick up a large, folding wrestling mat. Store it under the bed, WET, and when your sexy time involves fisting—and hopefully you’re not fisting every time you have sex—GET OUT OF BED, pull the mat out, throw some towels down, and fist and squirt to your heart’s content. Then when it is all over—all over the towels, the mat, the floor—you’ll be able to crawl back into your warm, dry, comfortable bed.
HEY, EVERYBODY: Jason Robinson is—was—the football coach at Mandarin High School in Duval County, Florida. He was fired last month for sending “adult-oriented pictures” to a student. Robinson didn’t send the pictures to one of his students, but to a 20-year-old college student who is his girlfriend. The mother of Robinson’s girlfriend found the pictures on her daughter’s phone and forwarded them to the principal of the school where Robinson worked and scores of other people.
“We hold our teachers to a higher standard,” principal Donna Richardson told reporters. “They’re in front of our students. They’re talking with our students. They’re teaching our students how to become good characters.”
This is sex-negative bullshit. Robinson is a consenting adult; Robinson’s girlfriend is a consenting adult. And what consenting adults do on their own time—and with their own cell phones—is no one’s business but their own.
Savage Love readers stuck up for Constance McMillen after she was victimized by the homophobic morons who run her high school. Now we need to stick up for a straight high-school coach being victimized by the sexphobic morons who run his. Send an e-mail to Donna Richardson at richardsod@duvalschools.org. Let Richardson know that she is in the wrong. And let others know to let her know.
AND: Apparently, Steve Jobs isn’t such a prude after all. The Savage Love iPhone app is now available on the iTunes store.
Squirter: try “chux.” They are used in hospitals and nursing homes (now THERE’S a fantasy to explore), put under people who are unfortunate enough to be incontinent.
They are absorbent on one side, plastic on the underside.
More opportunities to do it wherever you like! Just lay a few down, and toss when done. (apologies to the environment.)
I’m incessantly baffled that people allow themselves to get cock blocked by Jesus.
Here’s the note I sent the idiot principal–I hope lots of others do the same!
Hooray for you for showing your students what sex-negative BS is! Who’s setting the example now??? What two consenting–and that is THE key word–adults do in their private lives is PRIVATE. He didn’t show the pics to HIS (underage) students.
You must be celibate–because I’m sure someone so high and mighty wouldn’t stoop to having SEX with another adult.
Like any fetish or just plain obsession, big clits have their very own web site: http://www.mybigclit.com (pay-to-play)
And so do big labia:
http://www.sexylabia.com/ (free)
and
http://www.large-labia-productions.com (free registration)
I think part of the problem with big clits is that if they are big enough, they cease to look like clits and begin to resemble dicks, making their owners chicks with dicks. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that….)
WAFFLE is unbelievably FAKE!
savage gets dumber by the week.
OH AND PEOPLE WHO SEND SEXUAL PICS OF THEMSELVES OVER THE PHONE/WEB AND THINK THEY ARE SAFE…………
ARE FUCKING RETARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!
*had to use all caps on this one, sorry peeps.
forttroff sells these great plastic sheets that u spread over the bed and have all the sex and cum u want then u wip it clean and ur bed is perfect
I also had to send a letter to that twat. I bet she will like tomorrows inbox
Reader #1 must not be from the South, because all good conservative “vow of chastity” Bapti-costal kids down here know that baby Jesus LOVES for the pre-marrieds to have Butt-Sex before marriage … it’s why so many of them were accidentally getting preggo from all of the Santorum draining into the virginal canal.
The more I think about it, I think baby Jesus invented Santorum pregnancies to commemorate his own virginal birth.
I think I’ll speak in tongues, now.
Don’t care about who the teachers are having sex with as long as it’s a consenting adult, but I don’t want stupid people teaching my kids.
Lesson 4,321. Don’t give anyone naked pictures of yourself, don’t for Chrissake send them to a phone, and any time you’re tempted, imagine all the people who might one day pick up your partner’s phone (my BF’s a parent) seeing the pictures. Don’t, just don’t, as Redbook says – it’s a “don’t.”
Once waffler gets over his momentary mental mindfuck, I suggest that he go to town on his lady, using a strap-on. If his dick can’t touch her no-no maybe a lifelike cast of Gigantor can.
@Belleweather… of course someone can ILLEGALLY obtain any information they want when transmitted electronically… but it is ILLEGAL. The government can’t even legally intercept private communications without a warrant. There are court cases pending about this very thing.
If anything the principal was wrong simply because she used information obtained illegally to make a decision about her employee. If they live in an at will state then she can fire him for whatever reason she wants (assuming he’s not tenured)… but even if he sent the message from a school computer she wouldn’t know about it if someone didn’t illegally obtain the information and illegally send it to her.
Dan, I have no idea how you go about picking your letters each week, but really man, it is worse than fourth grade crap.
Seriously, someone needs your advice for protecting her mattress LOL
To the squirter — use a rubberized flannel pad. They are soft and breathable, yet waterproof. You can buy it by the yard from fabric stores on the cheap, or buy a serged, finished product that’s made for a soft, waterproof barrier for babys’ cribs. You can get them w/o a baby theme print so as not to ruin the mood. And you can even go organic with a Naturepedic Organic Mattress Protector Pad. They really work — my baby just peed on one tonight, right on our bed, and no moisture made it through. Happy squirting!!
I love this week’s illustration. I almost want it on a t-shirt.
Well, I only started reading you 2 or 3 years ago, so maybe I missed your rough and raw years…
I appreciate your realness on sex issues, and I think more straight people should heed your advice on relationships. It’s because of you that I feel confident that we all deserve a right to a healthy relationship with someone in ALL areas: emotionally and sexually.
As a gay man, you’ve helped come to terms with who I am, and I’m grateful for that. I’ve been slowly coming out to more and more friends, and the response has been wonderful.
As far as those who have wrote you saying you’re “an insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick”, well Dan, we can’t win ’em all. We all have our “insufferably bitchy sacky twatty cunt prick” moments (IMO, yours happen with the YPW posts…we get it, Youth Pastors are nuts…the ECDAMAF moments, okay, those aren’t bad).
Hey WAFFLE, try fucking your girlfriend with a dildo… I assume you’re saying penile-vaginal sex is not OK in your religion, but surely a dildo in vagina would be fine? And stop giving her a hard time because she did what you suggested.
At hospitals we use something called a “chux” pad. It has plastic backing, but a cotton-ish side to go against your skin. They are fairly thin but super absorbant (we use them for incontinent patients, chemo spills, everything). They are cheap and disposable – probably not the most environmentally friendly (they are not reusable) but certainly convenient. You should be able to find them at most larger pharmacy stores like Walgreen’s, CVS, etc.
@92: Right on.
Sorry but I remain unconvinced about the alleged certainty of WET’s gender. I don’t see how “squirt” is necessarily a euphemism for female ejaculation and NOT male as well. Dan may have edited the letter – he does sometimes – but there’s nothing there that says the writer is definitely female.
Men’s cocks “squirt” all the time when they’re anally stimulated, including str8 men. I don’t see how we can know that this person is definitely female.
@121: You’re right that a man can be described to “squirt.”
But squirting is pretty much *the* term to describe female ejaculation. It’s the only word used for it, whereas there are plenty of other terms for male ejaculation — so it’s totally reasonable to presume “squirting” describes the female function, not the male.
Plus, you overlook the fact that WET describes puddles and “soaking sheets”, which is also fairly common among women who squirt. Unless you mean to say that men “all the time” piss themselves during anal stimulation (maybe you can illuminate me on that one, since I readily admit I’m no expert on sex), or ejaculate puddles?
time for an android app!
Question: Would Mr. Savage’s response to WAFFLER have been the same if he hadn’t mentioned that he had religious reasons?
Say someone just wants to draw a line. That line can be anywhere. It’s a matter of personal limits.
“I won’t do more than kiss unless I’m in a committed relationship of some kind,” or “I believe that vaginal sex is different from other sexual activities, so that’s the one thing I’m saving for marriage only.”
Maybe, for this guy, religion is just an excuse. Maybe we need to develop a culture where it’s okay to say, “This is my limit and it’s okay if it doesn’t make sense to anyone but my partner and me.”
Ms. Richardson,
Regarding the recent “incident” with your former football coach Jason Robinson shame on you for four things:
1. Interfering with his private life.
2. Publicly humiliating him for something that was none of your business.
3. Failing to politely chastise the mother of Jason’s girlfriend when she distributed private pictures to the public.
4. Failing to diplomatically defuse the incident in a mature and responsible manner.
Shame on you.
I like the way you’ve changed. In the old days you were too acidic and sarcastic, sometimes to the point of being insensitive. Now I think you’ve reached a happy balance. You are humane and sensitive while still being able to call bullshit bullshit. Keep your current style please!
what the heck was the mother doing snooping around her 20 year old daughters phone any way?
I love my mother to death but I would freak the fuck out if I found her snooping around my phone! its got my personal correspondence and my personal pics and shit on it, if I want to show you something I will show it to you.
Its another case of over protective “helicopter” parents. (like the ones that find their adult kids sex toys hidden in their apartment bedroom closets where they have no business being)
In regards to the coach, while I didn’t look long enough to find a reliable source, a quick internet search indicated that this was not just some 20 year old college student. She was a former student of the coach. If their relationship started while she was still a student, that changes everything. Even if they didn’t start dating until after she graduated I would still not want him anywhere near my daughter! His behavior doesn’t have to be illegal to be wrong.
By the way, Alison, just last year a judge in Louisiana denied a marriage license to an interracial couple, and while there was appropriate outrage, it was not universal. And may I remind you that we are not so far from the time when a school may well have found such a relationship to be a “public relations nightmare.” What would you have said then — that they have no duty to defend because the parents don’t like it? That’s ridiculous. I don’t know all the facts of this situation, but if a firing isn’t justified, it isn’t justified, and the fact that a school district may have to take some flack for putting up a defense doesn’t excuse the responsibility.
everyone who is speculating about waffler’s sexual orientation: he is willing to GO DOWN ON HER, but not stick his penis into her. does this sound like a gay man?
@99
“All I’m sayin’ is – make your decisions based on the fact that there’s really no such thing as privacy online.”
That’s a ridiculous argument that you can use to justify any computer crime. Someone hacked into your bank account and drained all the money? Well you knew that the bank provides access to bank accounts over the internet and there’s no privacy online so it’s your fault for having a bank account. Someone hacks into your computer remotely, uses a key stroke log to steal your identity, and destroys your credit? Well you know that that if you have an internet connection that your computer can be hacked into and there’s no privacy on the internet so it’s your fault that you kept any confidential, private information on your computer.
But you seem to be missing the point. Who CARES if he took dirty pictures of himself and sent them to his girlfriend? It’s not like they got caught fornicating on the wresting mats at school. Nobody should be fired for engaging in a completely legal activity that they participate in away from their job. And the only reason he got fired in this instance is because it was a sexually themed video which is why Dan (and others) feel that it was a “sexphobic” firing. If his girlfriend’s mother had sent the principal a video of him juggling chainsaws (a veeeeeeery dangerous activity) then I’d be willing to bet he wouldn’t have been fired.
ConcernedFather, she was a student of the football coach? And even if she was, she isn’t anymore. We don’t know when they started dating, and that’s not actually the issue. The issue is the mom invaded her daughter’s privacy and was horrible enough to actually send the pictures to third parties. They didn’t fire him for dating someone who used to go to his school, they fired him because of the pictures. You can find his totally legal relationship creepy, and perhaps it is, but that’s not relevant to the matter at hand.
AllisonM,
Like you, I have too much time on my hands (as evidenced by the fact that I read through all the comments ;-).
Get over it. The principal does have a reason to fear bad publicity in what must be a lame, right-wing county in Florida, but the guy didn’t do anything technically wrong, and shouldn’t have been fired.
Maybe his GF should just move in with him so her mom can’t snoop her phone?
People should be able to send anything they want to their main squeeze. That said, it’s foolish to assume that the intended is the only one getting the message. People leave cell phones on desks, counters, in cars… and if your sweetie is still living with parents, you can’t assume anything. Just show her in person.
Has anyone else wondered if the coach was incompetent and this was the easiest way to get rid of him. Teacher unions have made it next to impossible to get rid of dead wood or incompetents. From what I’ve read the principal was probably looking for any excuse to can his ass. A teacher should be teaching, not spending most of his time in class texting on his phone. The guy also seems to be something of a hypocrite by (supposedly) publicly praising traditional christian (conservative)values and then engaging in contradictory behavior.
I also suspect the Mom was not too happy about her 20 year old daughter dating a 32 year old man. I wonder if the guy had been the daughter’s teacher?
Right on response to WAFFLER, Dan!!!!
You continue to rock!!!
WAFFLER sounds more like Lack of Religious Reason.
Sent a letter to the wrongheaded principal. Thanks for bringing this issue to light, Dan. Anyone told the ACLU yet?
I have a theory.
WAFFLER is falling back on a religious excuse for something totally unrelated. He has, or at least believes he has, a small dick. Either that or some other penetration-specific performance anxiety (he’s scared he can’t keep it up, scared he’ll come in five seconds, etc.)
Plenty of otherwise godbothering teenagers fuck like rabbits and feel guilty about it later, but this guy… nah, read the terminology he uses, the liberal swearing, etc. He’s no prude, he’s just scared of failing.
@124: The ‘religious’ limit should be treated differently to a personal limit, precisely because it’s religious. A personal limit is “this is all I’m comfortable with”. A religious limit is OFTEN (not always!) “all the pressure from the church I go to on Sunday says this is how it HAS to be or I’ll go to hell – and I’ve been indoctrinated my entire life and never thought about it for myself”. I’m all for letting people have whatever personal limit they want, and I’m all for challenging people to think about these externally-imposed ‘limits’ to see if they make sense for who they are and what they want.
Chicago Girl (132), I don’t know about this case but most coaches are also teachers at the school they coach for. And while a teacher dating a former student may not be the issue to you, I’m sure it is to many parents at the school. I won’t try to defend the mother’s actions (I hear he is suing her and I hope he wins), but the principal has to deal with it now that it is out. Don’t shit where you eat and don’t fuck where you work! This goes double if you work with kids.
For mattress saving:
…another cheap option is a washable pee pad from the pet store with an old soft towel over it.
This has advantages of being portable, stashable, and reusable.
btw, college students are considered dependants (at least by the insurance companies) usually until they are 24.
If the college student was living at home,and Mom was paying for her phone, then it could be argued that the phone was technically Mom’s property… house rules, and all that crap.
I have to laugh at WAFFLER, who thought that he could keep himself ‘pure’ by not having vaginal sex, but it was ok for his GF (possible future fiancee/wife) to ‘defile’ herself with another man. It’s really crazy the way some people think and the ways they contort their minds based on ‘religious’ beliefs. Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. There is nothing “purer” about oral sex.
WET – you can get absorbent pads like the kind they use on hospital beds at most drug stores. They’re filled with super-absorbent gel and have a thin plastic backing and soft face so it won’t feel like screwing on a sheet. If you local drugstore doesn’t carry them, try the ‘incontinence’ section of the big box stores or – if in dire need – large pet stores now carry them as housebreaking pads.
Happy squirting!
ConcernedFather, I imagine you’re right that many parents at the school are thinking about the dating a former student thing a LOT (I might, too), but it’s still not why he was fired. Also, and I have no idea what the particular situation was, but in small towns the high school football coach is a pretty exalted position (I believe other football coaches have stated that all FB coaches need to be like Caesar’s wife, and that the guy should have been more careful), and it’s likely that his other duties were all PE related stuff. However, I agree this is probably where he met her, and that it was really, really stupid for him to date her after graduation. Still, the outrage over that isn’t why he got fired; the pictures were what damned him. And you’re quite right about the creepiness factor. If my daughter was dating someone like that, I’d send her as far away as possible for college and hope it fizzled out naturally.
God how I hope that Coach Robinson marries the girl to whom he sent the nude photos. Then her nosy meddlesome none of her fucking business mother will have to put up with him as a son-in-law. And furthermore I hope that he hangs nude pictures of himself all over their living room so that the old bitch won’t be able to visit her daughter without facing the reality of her previous interference.
For WET:
A tried and true method to save the mattress – Use a waterproof baby pad – usually about 2ft x 3ft, and terry cloth textured. You have a simple length of waterproof fabric that you can roll up, move, kneel on…whatever – and they’re cheap!
a good one:
http://www.amazon.com/American-Baby-Comp…
@WET Go to the pet supply store and buy puppy training pads. They come in different sizes and are super absorbent with a plastic back, like a giant square pantyliner.
I don’t mean to be reductive when it comes to Coach Robinson, but I feel like both sides of the debate are insisting it’s about technology and privacy when it’s really not. It’s about a teacher dating a significantly younger woman. That’s why he was fired. Everything else is just ancillary.
The reason why no one particularly wants to talk about this angle is that it’s kind of a loser any way you slice it. The girl was of age. Case closed. Robinson, as a new teacher, was on a standard three-year probation and could be fired for any reason. The fact that he didn’t break the law or the terms of his contract doesn’t really matter from a strictly legal standpoint because the school was under no obligation to renew his contract. So what is there left to talk about but cell phones?
Quite a lot, actually. But let’s take a detour. Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended from the NFL for having sex with a college student in a public bathroom. The college student originally accused Roethlisberger of rape, but then rescinded the accusation. And yes, for the record, having sex in public stall is illegal. That being said, no charges have been pressed. Nonetheless, the NFL has made the decision that this sort of behavior constitutes a violation of their code of ethics. Are we to write emails Roger Goodell as well as Donna Richardson?
It’d be nice to live in a world where who we sleep with and how has no bearing on our professional lives. But while Roethlisberger is somewhat of a less sympathetic figure than Jason Robinson (this was the second time the Stealer’s quarterback been accused of rape), both men trade in a kind of “fan-dom.” Like the NFL, Mandarin High School gets to decide what their code of ethics looks like.
Personally, I find this particular “code” hypocritical. But you’d have to be living in Cloud Cuckooland to think that this sort of thing doesn’t happen every day, in every industry. Football coaches aren’t elected officials but they serve a function in the community that is more or less analogous. Sometimes it’s worth taking up the mantle of people who are victimized by their community’s small-mindedness. A football coach’s right to barely legal nookie doesn’t really feel like one of those situations to me.
@150
“That’s why he was fired. Everything else is just ancillary.”
BS. If that was the case then they would’ve just fired him, they wouldn’t have need/waited for the video sent by his GF’s mother.