My husband was 28 when we met and a virgin. When we started having sex, he opened up about being “different.” He wanted to wear panties and wanted me to make fun of his tiny penis. Didn’t love the stuff, but whatever. Now it’s a thousand times worse. He goes to Victoria’s Secret and tells the salesgirls he is being punished by his wife for wearing her panties and that I am “forcing him” to go buy some of his own. He told me he could see our neighbor undressing, so he tried to contact her to see if she wanted to humiliate him while he was dressed as a woman. And he recently “confessed” to a female coworker that he had a deep, dark secret he wanted to tell her. I confronted him, and he said he was going to tell her about me “forcing him” to wear panties and ask if she wanted to see his tiny penis!
He sees nothing wrong with this behavior. I feel like he is a fucking asshole and a pervert who is violating me, our marriage, and other women. I have children with this dude! What the hell do I do?!?
My Husband Is Out
Here’s what the hell you do, MHIO: You make a credible threat to divorce your husband—serve him with actual divorce papers—then you set conditions for suspending divorce proceedings. No more trips to Victoria’s Secret, no more stalking the neighbors, no more inappropriate confessions to coworkers. And he begins seeing a sex-positive therapist immediately.
The shit he’s into—humiliation, “forced” feminization, etc.—can be enjoyed with consenting partners, i.e., women who are either into it or willing to fake it for a reasonable fee. He has no right to drag his coworkers, neighbors, salesgirls, and other innocent bystanders into these extreme humiliation scenarios. And a good, sex-positive therapist—someone who won’t be shocked by your husband’s kinks—may be able to help your husband see that he isn’t being humiliated by these women. He’s humiliating these women—and without their consent.
And that’s not okay.
Your husband is out of control—I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that—and sooner or later he’s going to get his asshole ass arrested. Stalking and sexually harassing women are actual crimes—crimes your loving husband has been so considerate as to implicate you in, crimes that could have a hugely negative impact on the lives of your children. So threaten to divorce him, MHIO, and if that doesn’t inspire him to get help and get a grip, make good on that threat.
My girlfriend of six months found it “awkward” when I used lubricant from a half-full bottle. A half-full bottle “hinted at past relationships.” To me, this was no more awkward than our using condoms from a half-full box—which did not bother her. But she sees condoms as individually wrapped, single-use items, unlike a bottle of lubricant. Was I in the wrong for failing to purchase a new bottle of lube?
Lubrication Etiquette, S’il Vous Plaît
I’m tempted to break into your apartment, LESVP, spike your lube with Frank’s RedHot sauce and open a live feed of the oil pouring into the Gulf of Mexico on both your laptops, because you two need something real to worry about. But as I don’t know where you live: Personal lubricants are expensive. If the girlfriend believes a fresh bottle should be cracked open each and every time she gets with a new partner, then she should carry a case in the trunk of her car. And as a general note: Lube also comes in small, single-ass-serving packets—just like ketchup and mustard and condoms—and anyone worried about half-empty bottles of pubic-hair-befrazzled lube is free to invest in a box.
I have a dilemma: My ex wants me to replace his mattress because I ejaculated on it. Apparently, there was an “unbearable” smell that came about recently due to the heat and humidity where he now lives.
I am not sure that this “stench” is entirely or at all mine. My ex has a cat that peed on items of furniture in the past, for starters, and no other lovers have ever complained about any smell. I also warned my ex that I, a female, was capable of ejaculation. There was an opportunity to grab a towel, but my ex did not stop. In fact, my ex caused me to ejaculate countless times. This ex now lives in a different city on the other side of the country, but we have friends in common.
Should I pay for the replacement mattress? I might have been open to paying half, but the last time we talked, my ex was so negative that I don’t feel any obligation at all.
Should I Soak It Up
I don’t want you to pay for your ex’s new mattress—and I’ll bet your ex doesn’t want you to pay for his new mattress, either.
What’s really going on here, SISIU, is this: Your ex’s out-of-the-blue request for mattress reparations is an attempt on his part, conscious or not, to sever communications with you. He’s picking a fight, one he knows he’s likely to lose (because this is sopping-wet bullshit), so that he’ll have an excuse to stop speaking to you and an excuse to slag you off to your mutual friends.
And even if your ranky, stanky, janky lady spunk ruined your ex’s old mattress, SISIU, you would still not be obligated to replace it. When an adult invites another adult into his bed, he is or should be aware that sexual activity frequently leads to stained sheets and pillowcases, soaked and/or stained mattresses, and, every once in a great while/time, completely and thoroughly destroyed bed frames. A person who is unwilling to eat those losses should fuck on the floor, fuck outside, or fuck at his partner’s place.
Seeing as your ex should have been aware of the general risk sexual activity posed to his mattress, and seeing as you acquainted him with the specific risks you posed to his mattress, the responsibility and the liability are entirely his. So fuck him.
While we’re on the subject of lady ejaculators: Lots of folks wrote in with suggestions for WET, the woman in last week’s column who, like SISIU here, routinely soaked the bed when she came. While I suggested a wrestling mat and towels, numerous readers wrote in to plug the Fascinator Throe.
“It’s a large, double-sided blanket,” wrote one Savage Love reader. “It’s faux fur on one side, satin on the other, with a waterproof barrier in the middle. It comes in lots of colors and costs around $90. It goes anywhere you want to fuck, and it’s easy to clean. This thing saved my bed, and it’s sexier than a wrestling mat.”
Given a choice between a fake-fur bedspread and a genuine wrestling mat, I’d go with the mat—and the wrestler—every time. But lady ejaculators who prefer machine-washable faux fur can check out Fascinator Throes—”the moisture-proof playscape for sex”—at
www.liberator.com.
The Savage Love iPhone app is now available on the iTunes store.
MHIO’s husband has got to be one of the most inconsiderate, selfish people I’ve read about here.
You two don’t just need a sex-positive therapist (although that sounds like a good idea), he needs to be made to understand how abusive his behavior is to all his victims.
How is this any different than a guy exposing himself in public?
Just don’t mistake the lube packet for a ketchup packet when you’re making burgers then?
I would think a half-full bottle hinted at masturbation. But she might have a valid concern, if you opened the bottle more than 6 months ago there may be some bacterial growth in it, especially if it doesn’t have a pump dispenser. It is advisable to replace your moisturizers 6 months after you open the bottle – I can’t see why this would be different for lubricants.
MHIO: ya got problems, buddy.
LESVP: Your girl should be happy enough that lube was on hand. What does she want? A DNA test checking for finger prints on the half-filled lube bottle? What neuroses! I hope he opted to mount her dry, just to fix her wagon.
The mattress guy: Sneak into the ex’s house and go and dumb a porn shoot’s worth of seed all over his mattress. He’ll like that.
Sometimes I wonder what the ratio of actual bullshit is to non-fiction with regards to these submitted letters. This week? I say about 65/35..
For MHIO, your advice is dead on- the hard line is the only thing these types understand. I wish her all the luck in the world because that is a truly sucky position to be in.
@3: Even if if a half-full bottle of lube “hinted at masturbation,” so what?
Is LSVP supposed to have had NO previous sexual experience before her/his current girlfriend? Maybe the gf thinks that LSVP’s ex (or exes) dipped their genitals into the lube?
Whatever. She needs to get perspective. Maybe LSVP should show her this week’s column and when she reads the letter from MHIO she will understand what a real relationship/sex problem is.
MHIO’s husband is setting himself up for a seuxal harassment suit.
These letters the best Dan could do?
If we had an appetite for whining by self-indulgent wankers, we’d turn to Fox News or a.m. radio.
Not much “savage” or “love” in these replies.
Where has the passion gone, Dan? For the love of God, where’s the passion?
If you take the time and make sure the woman is ready, lube is unnecessary.
@ 6
Nothing, I was pointing at the obvious flaw in her reasoning. Which her boyfriend should have done in the first place, and then he wouldn’t have had to write to Dan. I doubt very much that she would object to his masturbation.
@7 or an ass kickin’
@9 not always
Amos, whatever, mate. I’m one of those ladies for whom lube is very necessary, even after taking plenty of time. Some of us just don’t get that wet, no matter what we do.
Besides, it’s better for titty-fucking than lotion, tastes better when you’re going down, and generally makes the whole experience more fun.
@9 (Amos101)
Dude, speak for yourself. If the woman is having anal sex? or fisting? or post-menopausal? or simply doesn’t secrete very much? Lube is extremely damn useful.
I can exhale: Dan finally revealed that WET is a woman! Sorry, but last week we had no way of knowing the gender of said moist meshuggeneh.
And speaking of needed info, I think it would help readers to know how long MHIO & her husband have been married, how many kids, and what the kids’ ages are. Well, it would help the shrink, anyway.
@9: Some women just have problems with lubrication. the same way that some guys have erectile issues. Lube is a godsend when she’s horny and frustrated.
The first one, the Victoria’s Secret married guy, et. al: my gut+vibe tells me that this one is a bunch of malarkey lol 🙂 . It’s well-written, has several entertaining diversions that make for great reading, but there’s too many details and the like.. Overqualification. But then, who was it that said to never let the truth get in the way of a good story? As soon as I got to the part about the neighbor, I knew it was a crock, but a good one 😉 .
The lube bottle crisis: unless there was some unappetizing residue outside of the bottle (i.e. congealed lubricant that has aged).. I get her point about the sanitary conditions of the bottle being halfway, but the image I have in my head right now for the next time is the boyfriend tearing open a new box of KY Easy Glide and holding it behind a ribbon (like at a supermarket opening) so the lovely neuroses-plagued lady can have the comforts of the ribbon-cutting ceremony to appease her inner OCDs.
“Apparently, there was an “unbearable” smell that came about recently due to the heat and humidity where he now lives.”
That’s what’s going on, and the guy is trying to finagle a new mattress out of the deal.
I think your advice to MHIO is a little bit off. Certainly he needs to see a therapist and be warned of the real world legal dangers of what he’s doing. But I think he’s acting out because he wants a stronger FemDom hand. No need to threaten divorce–give him a good caning instead. He’s wanting discipline, otherwise he wouldn’t be telling the wife in the first place of his escapades.
She might want to check out Elise Sutton for tips on getting a man like this to behave perfectly. Take advantage of the situation and take control.
@9: Um, no. Apart from all points already made, not every woman *wants* to “take the time” and can be “ready” far before her body seems to be.
Lube is awesome.
@9 “If you take the time and make sure the woman is ready, lube is unnecessary.”
I call bullshit guy stroking his own ego by bragging about his sexual prowess, for a number of reasons:
1) Anal. You need lube for that regardless of how ready he gets you. And no, putting vaginal juices on your bum won’t work.
2) Lube can be useful in the process of getting her ready in the first place.
3) Natural juices dry out much more quickly than artificial lube, so if you’re more than a minute man, you’ll need to re-wet even if you got her moist on her own in the first place.
4) The more frequently a woman has sex, the more her natural sexual juices will run out, and the harder it will be to make her drip every time. I’d only get wet enough for sex if it had been days since I last had sex, and I usually fuck and/or masturbate several times a day. Even then, see #3; I’d still have run dry from the heat and friction of thrusting 2 minutes in.
@14: You know what’s weird? If you go back to the letter originally posted on Slog, it says “I, as a female.” Was that added later?
@9 OH MY GOD YOU NO IT’S NOT. That’s the kind of thinking that made me think I was broken for years when I first started having sex. Some women need lots of lube, every time, no how turned on they are. News flash: people are different.
@19 Interesting; using the Femdom angle to get the husband to act right.
“I order you to stop telling sales ladies about our sex life!”
Could very well work.
@23 good point, not only does this type of thinking lead to many chaffed women, it also leads to feelings of inadequacy on the parts of both women and their partners.
You know, it just occurred to me that the naughty husband was a 28-year-old virgin. No wonder he’s got issues properly expressing his sexuality! You know how adolescent boys can be obnoxious and unsubtle with their sexuality? He’s in the mindset of an adolescent boy; he’s been repressed for so long that his hormones are raging like a teenager. XP
@19, You make the husband sound like an animal. I think MHIO signed up to be a wife, not a lion tamer. However submissive he is, he needs to control himself and he’s not. A strong submissive urge doesn’t entitle him to go out and harass people, especially using his wife as an unwitting accomplice.
@7: I think you’re missing the point. He’s well on the path toward criminal prosecution.
I think 19 is onto something. My experience with bottoms is many of them want to be in charge. Wife needs to show him who is boss.
Gloria (#22): Yes, it must have been added later, cuz “I as a female” did not show up in the online column last week, and I commented that both males & females could, uh, squirt. But Dan frequently edits these letters anyway.
Lube is just *kinder*. The worst is being in the midst of a good time and you have to stop for a sec to re-moisturize.. A good lube is just the way to go, so you can let the rest happen without being unnecessarily interrupted.
@Marrena:
Bullshit. Why should MHIO reward her husband for sexually harassing neighbors/coworkers/random sales clerks by indulging his kinks? (After all, she made it pretty clear that she doesn’t get off on humiliating him or “forcibly” feminizing him.) MHIO’s husband already seems to think that he’s living in a Fem-Dom porn fantasy; MHIO shouldn’t do anything to reinforce this delusion.
Like Dan said, what MHIO’s husband needs is a firm reintroduction to reality — and here in reality, sexual harassment is generally handled with legal action, not kinky “punishments.” If this douchebag continues exposing himself to random women, he’s going to end up standing in front of a court bench, not a spanking bench. The sooner he realizes this, the better for everybody involved.
@ 28: The wife needs to dress him in a straightjacket, replete with a garter belt from Victoria’s Secret wrapped around his eyes so he can’t find another woman to confide in before he gets to the therapist!
@9: That’s ridiculous! I’m rather young and extremely tight. As in, even while masturbating I can only fit two fingers inside me, and that’s a big stretch. When I’m with my guy, who has a pretty thick girth too, we have sex often enough that I’m actually stretched out–as in twice a day almost every day–and that’s necessary! But the first time back it ALWAYS hurts, no matter how turned on I am, unless we use tons of lube.
@31: Thank you.
This isn’t a “how can I make my husband’s kink suit my interests better” problem; this man is sexually harassing women. He’s forcing unwanted (and probably extremely distasteful) sexual TMI on women who never intended to be involved in his humiliation-play.
And he’s forcing his wife by proxy to harass these women as well.
This isn’t a top or bottom thing or a dom/sub thing. It’s creepy, unethical, and very probably illegal behavior. Let’s not theorize about what “most” secretly dominant subs really want.
The husband needs to talk to a therapist.
The wife needs to talk to a lawyer.
@19, he’s “acting out” by sexually harassing other women. Maybe he “needs” a stronger femdom role in his life, but that’s actually secondary. Someone who approaches strange women (like hapless Victoria’s Secret employees) without prompting in a sexual manner has a problem, period. He obviously does not have a proper understanding of boundaries or he would realize how skin-crawlingly creepy it is to have some weirdo tell you about his sexual kinks out of the blue (and plan on including you in them).
He needs therapy, and if he refuses therapy and does not change his behavior, MHIO needs to divorce him. It will be tough on the kids, but not as tough as having daddy registered as a sexual offender will be.
#9
That is the most ignorant bullshit I’ve ever heard. Not every woman produces an adequate amount of lubricant. Some are born not producing enough, and some are on medications that dry them out. Some are going through hormonal issues.
Lubrication sometimes has nothing to do with arousal.
Yes, yes, yes–I did say he needs therapy, and he needs to understand what he is doing is not only wrong but illegal–I said that. But if the goal is getting him to change his behavior, threatening divorce will not work as well as very firm discipline, in my opinion. I won’t say experience because I’m a newbie domme, but from hearing from other dommes, this woman could get him to do just about anything and I mean anything if she handles it right. If she’s not into it, send him to a pro domme with very specific instructions. He’s desperately wanting female control–I’m relatively sure it will completely stop this behavior if done right, and the wife can also benefit from having a very clean house, lots of pampering, and romantic, loving attention from her husband. And anything else she wants. She just has to reach out her hand and take it.
@ 33: You sound like a good time.. (that’s a compliment incidentally).
I am putting in a call to a higher authority–Dan must know lots of Dommes, both pro and lifestyle. He should ask them what they think of MHIO’s situation, if her husband would respond if she took matters in hand lion tamer style.
Amos…I would have agreed with you (as a woman) then I read all the comments from other woman who do in fact need lube…and thus I stand corrected.
However, I am very much in the camp of “wet” women. I never need lube (rather dislike it on me to be honest) and the only reason my husband and I keep a bottle, is for when he wants a slippery hand-job.
When I am excited, I get wet. It’s as simple as ABC for me. In my husband’s words, I am the juciest person he has ever been with. It’s never been any other way, so it’s hard to fathom being excited BUT not wet!
I kinda feel bad for women who don’t easily/naturally get wet…I know I shouldn’t…It’s hardly a disability…but au natural wetness is first things first oh so convenient…and I must say very flattering to the person who is able to induce it.
Just my two cents…what do I know :-/
What are the possibilities that the cross-dressing hysterical dude is on some sort of narcotic stimulant while this is all going on? The propensity for confessing his issues to, indeed, innocent women; innocent people with such implied velocity.. That guy’s on something. Maybe meth? Eh, probably his old lady’s diet pills he found past expiration. Must enhance the buzz. Seriously though? That’s one horrifying scenario. His wife can maybe one-up him and buy him one of those S & M mouthpieces for his mouth. A chastity belt for his mouth! Then she can just say he had his jaws wired shut for surgical reasons, and that he’s currently in remission for being a terminal asshole lol.
If I were at work and some guy from the next cubicle over came up and started telling me about h is kinks, I’d freak the hell out. Not because kinks are bad but because that is shit I do not want to know about random aquaintances! If I worked at VS I’d be more expecting of some sexual talk (it’s a lingerie store, after all) but details and “she’s forcing me because I wore hers” crap is over and above what’s appropriate even in an area surrounded by crotchless panties and push up bras. This guy needs to realize that while he’s had days/weeks/months to prepare himself for the intimacy these statements will open up, the people he blurts it out to haven’t and they are neither prepared nor willing to be a part of it. For once the conservatives are right. I don’t care what you do in your bedroom but leave me out of it and keep it to yourself!
Marrena @19, You are projecting your fantasies without reading the letter.
@ 42. That’s spot on. It’s one thing to feel the potential to blurt stuff out like that.. No self-restraint or boundaries for anyone else recognized, or respected. Depending on who it is, if anyone just started blabbering on to me about their sexual proclivities, it would prolly freak me out wondering as to whether or not the person revealing their innermost kinks to me is trying to get it on with me, and taking the loudest most tasteless road to get there.. This VS guy sounds like every day he wakes up shot out of a cannon wearing pink, silky lingerie as he accosts all and one asunder about why he’s being victimized or something.. Do they sell muzzles there at VS somewhere in the back?
@ 43: Mine is for MHIO to wear a gagball/bondage mask with a burkha and shades on his eyes, with, of course, the straightjacket on him too. Then we could go shopping together! That’s my fantasy lol.
@9
Like the others have said, you’re just plain old wrong.
Even aside from “issues” – hormonal imbalances, menopause, doesn’t make much lube on her own, etc., for a lot of “normal” women how much lube is naturally produced can vary throughout her cycle.
So on Monday you’re a rockstar, getting her ready with all your, oh so expert moves, but by later that week or the next week it might be a new game entirely.
Overall the answer to MIHO’s letter was great, but here are my two cents.
MIHO absolutely needs to do whatever it takes to make sure that the kids will not be hurt by her husband’s antics.
I also agree that all the cards should be laid down on the table; and that the husband should be told to cease and desist his antics yesterday and that he see a shrink.; otherwise 1) he will be in divorce court and 2) whatever it takes will be done to protect the children from his outrageous behavior with others.
MIHO should also be prepared to divorce him, because that is probably what would happen. She also will (sadly) have to have an idea of how to explain it to the kids when these antics get him in civil or criminal hot water.
If he was shopping at VS he was probably in subspace. So yes, he wasn’t himself. That is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his illegal behavior.
I am not saying what he did is right, I’m just saying I’m pretty sure it can be stopped cold with the right response. I’ve read the letter, I am not projecting fantasies.
Marrena, his wife doesn’t particular enjoy catering to that aspect of his sexuality. That’s where your projection comes in.
I realize that you would see this as a terrific opportunity, but for some women being a domme would just be a chore.
@48, you may not be projecting your fantasies, but you seem to be projecting your attitude towards this kind of play. You are a domme; you enjoy imposing the sort of discipline that you believe MIHO’s husband needs. Unfortunately, she is not and she does not: she describes her reaction to his fantasies as “Didn’t love the stuff, but whatever.” She was GGG and indulged him, but his kink is not her kink.
Your suggestion seems to be that she should make his kink her kink, that in response to his inability to set and enforce his own boundaries she should give him more of what he wants, even though she does not enjoy it herself. She shouldn’t have to become something she is not, sexually – a domme – in order to get her husband to stop his inappropriate behaviour.