I’m a woman in my 20s, and I’ve been dating the love of my life for two years now. We are incredibly happy except for—guess!—we have different sex drives. When we first started dating, I initiated sex all the time and enjoyed it, but as soon as I started on birth control, my libido evaporated. After a nightmarish year of trying different methods, arguing with doctors, and hurt feelings, I decided that it wasn’t worth it, and we’ve stopped using any hormonal birth control (we’re using condoms).
But months later, I still have almost no interest in sex or masturbation. We have sex once or twice a week, but it’s physically boring. I put on my game face and endure it. I enjoy pleasing him, but it does nothing for me. It hurts him that I am not interested in sex and that he can’t arouse or please me. I want us to have a healthy sex life, because I love him and he’s worth it. Could this still be the birth control? Did I somehow flip the OFF switch?
Please help, Dan. My doctors are all sex-negative and don’t see the problem, and I want to enjoy sex again.
Not Horny, Not Happy
Your problem doesn’t sound like a case of differing sex drives, NHNH, but like a healthy sex drive that’s been derailed.
“Birth control pills can decrease sexual desire if they substantially lower testosterone levels,” says Cindy M. Meston, PhD, professor of clinical psychology at University of Texas at Austin and author of Why Women Have Sex. “The pill supplies a steady dose of hormones, so that the body stops producing its own unsteady, cyclical dose.” The pill keeps your estrogen level high in order to prevent ovulation, while also “increasing the sex-hormone-binding globulin (SHBG), which binds to testosterone, thus blocking it from being ‘read’ by the body.”
Testosterone plays a huge role in female libido, and blocking testosterone doesn’t do your libido any favors. And while most women who experience a severe drop in libido on the pill bounce back a few months after they stop taking it, some women aren’t so lucky.
“One well-regarded researcher, Irwin Goldstein, found that after stopping the pill, SHBG remained high in some women and testosterone levels didn’t go back up,” says Meston. “It’s not common, but it could explain this woman’s situation. The best thing for her would be to go to a gynecologist, urologist, or endocrinologist who specializes in sexual medicine (make sure they actually know what the hell they’re measuring) and have all her reproductive hormones measured. If she’s low in testosterone, she can take testosterone supplements.”
That means you’ll have to fire your current sex-negative doctors, NHNH, and find yourself some new, sex-positive ones—and you’ll have to stick with them.
“She needs a good doctor to monitor her closely, as too much testosterone causes bad side effects in women—side effects like facial hair growth.”
I also shared your e-mail with Debby Herbenick, PhD, sexual-health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good, and she feels there’s a chance your problem isn’t hormonal.
“In working with people, what I more often have found—and wrote about in my book—is something I call a ‘cycle of dread.’ I know that sounds ‘magazine-y,’ but it’s the best way I can think of to describe it, and this woman seems to epitomize it.”
A cycle of dread—let’s call it COD—can kick in when someone keeps having sex she doesn’t want to have, or isn’t enjoying, because she feels she must.
“Sometimes, it works out all right—once they start going, it feels better. But quite often, they don’t want it, they do it anyway, it sucks (‘physically boring,’ ‘I put on my game face’), and they do it anyway and keep doing it.”
Herbenick believes a temporary “ban on intercourse”—or taking “vaginal off the menu,” as I’ve recommended in similar circumstances—”can help couples learn to touch each other again with pleasure.”
I think you should take the advice of both of our guest experts: Initiate a ban on intercourse for now, NHNH, because you’re not doing you, your libido, or your boyfriend any favors when you put on that game face and go through the motions, and go get your hormone levels checked.
What does a person do when an LTR starts to feel stagnant or boring or dull?
Partnered But Jonesing
A person experiments (with partner), cheats (on partner), or breaks up (with partner).
I have a dilemma. Even though I was born in 1972, people always assume that I’m in my mid-20s. I tend to attract girls in their early 20s, and when they ask how old I am, I counter with “How old do you think I am?” They invariably guess an age that I haven’t seen in more than a decade. When I tell these 21- to 23-year-olds the truth, it’s a complete turnoff. Just last night I had to endure—that’s endure, not Ensure—my third brush-off at the hands of a hot 21-year-old girl in a row!
So what’s an apparent senior citizen like myself to do? Do I just wait hopelessly for the dreaded question to come up? Do I blurt out “I’m old” as soon as a woman walks up to me? Do I take measures to try to look my age?
You’re probably wondering why I don’t just go for women closer to my own age. Here’s why: Women my own age tell me that they’re looking for serious relationships and I look way too young for that and they worry that my looks mean I’m a total player!
You’re Only Using Numbers, Girls
First, YOUNG, maybe your problem is the lousy puns. Endure/Ensure? That would earn you a brush-off from me.
But if older women aren’t interested because you look too young, and younger women aren’t interested because you are too old—if you’re actually being discriminated against based on your age/looks—then you have a license to lie to women, young and old.
Let younger women think you’re in your 20s until they get to know you better. Then disclose and apologize for the deceit without being too abject about it. You had cause. As for women closer to your own age, well, instead of telling them you’re very nearly 40, YOUNG, let ’em think you’re a twentysomething with a thing for older women. Then if a puma—or panther or cougar or otter or whatever—decides to dump you because she’s getting too attached and the (presumed) age difference is simply too great, bust out your birth certificate, apologize, and propose.
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Starting a relationship off on a lie is a TERRIBLE idea, even if the lie is just about age. Bad advice on that one Dan!
Whoa! Could I possibly be first?
Young is on an ego trip to even write a note like this…waaah.,..go get a real problem. How about this: date women somewhat closer to your own age!
Fascinating stuff on the hormones!
first post?! Im possible! and all the way from Scotland, too! Thanks for the insight, as always Dan.
i’m wondering how YOUNG dresses when he meets these women. if his clothing screams “20-something,” that’s not going to do him any favors.
Taking the pill for three years in high school completely ruined my sex drive. Two years after stopping the pill, I finally found someone I was interested in physically and felt comfortable enough with emotionally to lose my virginity. Despite the wisdom that came from my five years of confusion, I still feel like I was cheated out of some of my best years.
I didn’t know my hormone levels could still be affected by this, which I think they might be since my drive is very similar to this woman’s. Thanks for the column, as usual!
@1, I disagree. Starting a relationship off on a lie is not good, but when you first meet someone, that’s not really “starting a relationship”. At that point, you’re just barely getting to know the person, and an innocent little lie about age is fine… to a point.
@4: I was thinking about posting that too. How does YOUNG dress? Still, some guys just look the way they do, and dressing only goes so far, and maybe that’s his case.
I know this isn’t every guy’s preference, but what about a beard? Maintained stubble? Make sure your haircut is fairly appropriate too; if you want to look older (but not “old”), staying away from too much product helps.
YOUNG
Do what I do, when young girls ask my my age I reply:”Old enough to know better, but happily I dont” Gets them laughing. Second here’s a idea STFU about your age. Its none of their business, keep it to yourself until they get to know you better.
plump lips and hairless forearms probably don’t scream “too young for women your own age” as loudly as an Ed Hardy tee shirt does.
What do you mean “take measures to try to look my age?” Because not dressing like a frat boy might be a good start to not looking like one.
YOUNG: Tough. Stop bragging/whining. My hair started going grey in my mid 20s due to a congenital condition. Trade ya.
For YOUNG, what is wrong with saying “young enough to have fun and old enough to know what I am doing” and then laughing? Sometimes, a cheesy deflection can work 🙂
If YOUNG is in fact looking for a woman his own age, there are things you can do with your appearance to “look your age” without doing much – popping your collar at 38 is just wrong, for example.
Also, Dan forgot one for PBJ – suck it up. Doesn’t work much, but it seems to be what he is doing….
On YOUNG: My ex, now my buddy, is 40, but looks 25. Trust me, women of all ages LOVE this. Said ex has never had a problem getting women. If YOUNG is having problems, he should probably look to his personality or attitude in the moments of those first encounters – his youthful looks might just be an excuse that they’re using.
@9 – a good way to do this would be to stop popping your collar and wearing plaid shorts. If you look like you could model for AE or Hollister, you are dressing younger than about 25.
Hmmm….my husband is 35 and frequently gets taken for a young 20-something. He just looks young, despite not acting or dressing particularly young. He gets it from his father, who is in his 60’s and very easily passes for someone in his 40’s.
It is what it is and I can tell you he certainly never let it affect his dating life. I liked my men older and he he liked his women older. So even with our 10yr age difference we still clicked.
Stop focusing on your age so much. Focus on what you want in a partner. Once you have that figured out it won’t matter if they are 20 or 30 something. Good luck.
I can attest to the negative side effects when a woman’s hormones are out of whack. I have excess testosterone from PCOS, along with a fantastic sex drive, chin hair, and minor hair loss on the crown of my head… still trying to save up enough to visit the endocrinologist.
It sucks, but my boyfriend still loves me.
How about the answer to the younger women of “Not quite old enough to be your Daddy.” Make it sound sexy and a smidgen dangerous, like a dare. To the older women say, “How old are YOU? About 28 or 29?”; or “Why, do you think you might be too young for me?” something like that. You could also say some crap about the Six Million Dollar Man, Lindsay Wagner, and Charlie’s Angels. That ought to prove it to them.
As a woman who has been through plenty of life’s hormonal fluctuations – pregnancy and oral birth control included – I would advise Not Horny, Not Happy to think about consulting a good woman-supportive alternative practitioner before trying hormonal intervention.
Acupuncture and herbs can both have positive affects on hormones and libido. Raising a woman’s sexual energy should be like raising the level of water in a pool – not like the cannon-ball splash of Viagra. Good treatment will make her feel more vital all the time, not just make her clit tingle now and then.
In our 20s is when the excesses of youth can finally catch up with us and affect our energy levels. Over-indulging in alcohol and grass can dull libido. It’s important to have a good diet. Exercise helps. A good diet helps. Lighting up your sexual brain by reading erotica and masturbating helps. It’s also incredibly important to make sure you’re getting plenty of sleep. I have a pretty darn healthy libido, but it switches right off if I’m over-tired…
Great guests this week!
As for YOUNG, I find it hard to believe that the immaturity is only in his looks. Is it possible that you dress like a college kid? I’m 32. When I’m lounging in shorts and a ponytail, I’ve been mistaken me for a teenager. Nobody makes that mistake when I’m in business clothes. This is not to mention that what you talk about and how you act goes a long way to indicate age. I have a feeling that YOUNG seems young in more ways that one.
I wouldn’t have an issue with an age difference (the gap between my husband and I is about what YOUNG is describing), but I’d drop him like a hot rock for lying to me.
As a woman in her mid-20s having problems with my sex drive, I really appreciate your answer to the first LR and the responses in many of the comments. I believe a combo of birth control pills and stress (just graduated from law school and the economy has killed any hope of gainful employment) decimated my sex drive. My doctor didn’t really care when I brought it up, and I’ll be losing my health insurance before I have the opportunity to find another doctor. I think the herbal/vitamin/exercise/acupressure route may be my most reasonable avenue now. Thanks for the suggestions, commentors!!
I have to agree with #1 – It’s a bad idea to mislead or lie from the start of a relationship.
If I were the deceived party, I don’t think I could ever really overcome the trust issue from a relationship partner that lied from the very beginning.
Sorry Dan. Not good advice on that one, in my opinion.
YOUNG is moasting: moaning + boasting. Write back when you have some real problems, you baby-faced weenie.
I’m hesitating to post after last week’s roasting, but there’s a middle ground on the hormonal thing. If she’s got high SHBG, there are nutritional ways to lower it. Going on testosterone might not even work if her SHBG is high, the SHBG might keep increasing, keeping pace with the higher T.
If she has her hormones checked and high SHBG is the problem, she can try taking the RDA of calcium/magnesium/zinc. Zinc helps lower SHBG, she may want to consider taking double the RDA of zinc (check with your doctor). Also changing one’s diet to avoid sugary and starchy foods will help lower SHBG over the long term.
Hmm…YOUNG sounds like a lot of guys I met when I was single and in my early 20’s. He pursues women much younger than him, has a bullshit story about why women his own age don’t like him, and worst of all plays the “guess my age” game (this comes across as condescending and also hints that you are self-conscious about your age, which is a big turnoff). He also seems to think it’s somehow unfair that women in their early 20’s tend not to be interested in him. In short: he sounds like an immature jerk.
I agree with everyone who thinks Dan gave shitty advice to YOUNG. When someone asks your age, just state it and don’t try to get cute with “how old do you THINK I am?” crap. If women his own age think he’s too immature to date, it’s for damn sure got more to do with his behavior than his looks. Also, Dan claims he’s earned the right to lie based on the behavior of a few women…. but what the women who are mature enough to judge him fairly based on the truth? Don’t tell such stupid lies; they’ll only bite you in the ass later.
Marrena, don’t hesistate to post, because you’re quite right. She should get her hormones checked, but testosterone supplements aren’t the only way to fix this.
@17: Why don’t you recommend she pray about it while you’re offering useless placebos. Idiot.
Yeah, best advice for YOUNG is very simply: act your age.
Yeah, best advice for YOUNG is very simply: act your age.
I’m with 12. I don’t think YOUNG’s looks are the problem. “How old do you think I am?” reads as irritating no matter how many different inflections I imagine.
@27 re @17: Acupuncture is not a useless placebo–if you were at all up to date on the issue you would see that there have been a host of clinical trials that show that it is effective for some (not all, but some) conditions. I personally have had success with acupuncture to treat a host of lady-problems Don’t call people idiots if you can’t even do the research.
And re: herbs, how could herbs be a useless placebo? Ever smoked marijuana? Just because something is a plant doesn’t mean it doesn’t do anything to your body.
I’m with Geek Porn Girl. Not Horny is already getting the brush off from her doctors. Hormonal birth control works for some people, but I’ve never been one of them. I can only speak to what works for me, but there are natural herbal formulas designed to flush excess hormones from your system, allowing you to basically let your body start over and find its normal balance. I was a sexless and neurotic basketcase for a few weeks, but then everything settled down and I pretty much spent weeks masturbating eight times a day.
There are some great doctors out there that can help you monitor your hormone levels and find something that works for you. It sounds like you’re having trouble with that though, so have no shame about finding a naturopath or even trying to wade through the nonsense on the interent. Good luck!
I quit all hormonal birth control after trying eight different brands, all of which caused severe side effects. It took nearly two years, but my body did return to normal eventually — including my high sex drive.
NHNH should give it a few more months and try using different lubes, arousal creams, or a sex-toy like Luna Beads to help get/stay in the mood for sex. She might also experiment with non-hormonal BC like the sponge, Femcap, or fertility awareness, to see if no-condom helps.
Wow, I’m surprised you didn’t call bullshit on YOUNG’s last paragraph. Sounds like he’s got age discrimination issues of his own and is making excuses to keep going after young girls.
Plenty of women in their 30s would love to have serious relationships with hot, young looking guys. I’m 32, my fiance looks 10 years younger than his age, is out of my league, and I love it.
The herb I was actually thinking about was the ayurvedic herb called ashwagandha. It’s what is called a “normalizing” herb, in that it balances body systems and functions. It’s considered safe at recommended dosages, and helps to balance mood and libido in women (I don’t know that it won’t benefit men, but my experience has been with women taking it). I’ve taken it for years with occasional breaks. It controls my PMS and if my libido was any higher, I wouldn’t get anything done 🙂
As for the person who thinks acupuncture is a placebo … pop another prescription, have a beer, and spend some more time wondering how generations of people can be so much dumber than you are.
@32
The problem with herbal remedies is that their effects are poorly documented and there haven’t been any clinical trials, so you don’t know WHAT you’re getting. “Natural herbal formulas designed to flush excess hormones from your system, allowing you to basically let your body start over and find its normal balance.” This sounds like a good idea??? Go to a good endocrinologist and get advice, not a naturopath. Sorry, when it comes to your hormones being flushed out, you want a real doctor! The herbs might not help, and they might do harm.
I share YOUNG’s problem. I’m 47 but look about 35. I had a girlfriend who was seven years younger get congratulated on hooking up with a younger man. (God did that ever piss her off!)
I’m now engaged to a woman five years younger than I am who gets similar comments now and then. Fortunately she has a good sense of humor about it.
Pulling a Dorian Gray can really be a pain in the ass.
My husband is almost thirty and he looks like he’s twelve. Okay that’s an exaggeration, but he is regularly asked what high school he goes to. I live in fear of getting arrested when I kiss him in public.
“Really officer, he’s 29! Get your driver’s license!”
It’s not as bad as looking older than your age in our youth obsessed culture, but it has an effect on his life. People are always talking down to him at work, and people tend to discount his opinions when they don’t know him.
He’s taken to (at work at least) dressing like he’s forty, and that helps. He’s learned all sorts of tricks for getting people to take him seriously. Posture, voice, word-choice. All of it matters.
My husband is actually grateful that he’s beginning to go bald.
I am now 27, but when I was younger, say the last five years of my life, I ALWAYS lied about my age to be OLDER. I had several reasons: 1) I joked I could add 10 years of “life credit” bc even at 21, I had way more life experience than a lot of people even twice my age and 2) as I was interested in dating older people (as I felt older than my true early 20ish age) I didn’t want them to think I was a young twit and incapable of dating an older person. Since I was so honest about everything else, eventually I casually revealed my true age along with the aforementioned reasons above, no one ever said it was a deal breaker and split with me.
And as I recently told one friend who lied about her age to be a little younger to be more appealing to the younger men she was interested in: You are not lying about your age, you are reaching your target market.
That being said, I don’t think lying about his age one way or another is going to help YOUNG, bc it sounds like he has quite the learning curve to overcome when talking to females or writing to sex columnists.
@ Geek Porn Girl Could I webcrush on you anymore? You are too cool. 🙂
I had a friend in college who described that situation (guy looks hot until he turns around and you see his face) as “whoooooohoo!!!—wyeahhhggh!!” It was kind of like the noise one would make at a stripper on stage, abruptly turning into an elaborate gagging noise.
Here’s what I think is happening with YOUNG. He hits on some 20-year-old girl in a bar. She notices he’s older and asks his age, as a brush off. He considers this foreplay and asks her to guess. She guesses an age that she considers ‘old’ – like 27. He tells her he’s actually 37, and she reaches for her mace.
Women closer to his own age are put off by his style of dress that screams ‘older guy looking for a much younger girl’. They figure he’s immature and probably underemployed, and probably rightly so.
I have to say, @33 has a point. The switch to condoms might have been a mood-killer in, and of, itself. There’s nothing like less-reliable birth control to kill a woman’s desire. (I know condoms are reliable in theory, but as we all know, shit happens.) Maybe she should consider other forms of birth control.
Topical arousal creams and lubes, etc. are also a good suggestion. Watch out for the ones that are irritants that might cause itching and burning. I like the KY warming lubes. I know they’re not an exotic sex-shop brand, but they’re reliable, at the corner drug store, and do the trick with a little extra on the side (the warming part).
Finally, if she sticks with condoms as birth control, she should be taking multi-vitamins that cover all of her pre-natal needs. This is true of any sexually active young woman if there’s any chance she could become pregnant and follow through with the pregnancy. To reduce the possibility of some birth defects, there are some nutrients you need to have in place even before you know you’re pregnant.
(Confidential to @39 – Awww.)
I’m a 21 year-old female seeing a 36 year-old male. My roommate is also dating a guy 15 years her senior. General consensus among my friends is that men in their thirties are more likely to have their shit together and are therefore more attractive than men in their twenties. So YOUNG should stop pretending women in their twenties aren’t into older men. We are.
Perhaps the reason women of all ages aren’t into YOUNG has nothing to do with his appearance and everything to do with his personality?
I think that Zestra might be a better choice than KY Warming, my two cents.
As a 20-something, if I was interested in a guy and he lied about his age I would go running in the other direction. I really wouldn’t care if they were upfront about it, unless they made a big deal of it, like asking them to guess your age. Seriously? It isn’t about the age, it’s about being willing to strike out until you find someone who doesn’t care.
As a young-20’s lady who seems to attract older dudes, i must agree with the other sensible-sounding ladies. Dudes who counter with “guess my age” are an INSTANT turn-off. Acting like your obsessed with how much older you are than the person you are trying to date is a good way to make them incredibly uncomfortable. But just in case this isn’t YOUNG’s only problem (hey, you sound exactly like the guy who’s trying unsuccessfully to get into my pants right now!), might I suggest you also not assume your age grants you wisdom over the honeys you’re trying to bone.
When did women in their early 20s stop being interested in older men? I seem not to have gotten the memo (I’m 22).
Actually, I would dispute Dan’s advice. I personally find that dating someone outside of a plus-or-minus five year window is not a good idea, as they’re often in a much different phase of life. A guy in his late 30s isn’t looking to start a new family like a girl in her 20s is likely to want, for example.
There are ways around the problem of looking too young. Cut your hair short, wear more conservative clothes, grow a mustache or a beard, look clean and neat. Speak in more formal English without slang. Wear glasses.
@42: Yeah, but let’s admit it — part of it is the looks. I like men who are not only older, but look older (not that I’d ever reject a man out of hand for looking any particular age, but I have my preferences).
“General consensus among my friends is that men in their thirties are more likely to have their shit together and are therefore more attractive than men in their twenties.”
See, this just kind of re-inforces part of YOUNG’s dilemma — that many women like older men. His problem is that those women don’t think he’s one of those older men.
Women who do approach him do so because of his apparent youth so they aren’t interested in his shit being together.
Women who DO like men of his age, and prefer those men in their 30s, stay away because he looks too young, like one of those guys in their 20s that have their shit all over the place.
You do still have a point, and it may still apply to YOUNG. I have a feeling it’s either really just not his looks and it’s a personality thing too, but it could also be that he’s just not meeting enough women.
I’m with the people calling bullshit on YOUNG’s problem. I know plenty of mid-20s to mid-30s girls and guys who would be thrilled to date an older guy who looks much younger. Especially the type of person who is interested in a serious relationship (so an older guy is a stronger possibility) but is physically attracted to young guys. So either YOUNG is chasing women who are way too young for him (as shown by the fact that he specifically talks about 21 to 23 year olds the whole letter), he looks desperate because he’s also dressing and acting way younger than he is, or both. Take a good, hard look at yourself, YOUNG. Dress and act your age, and stop trying to catch 21 year olds. And if you genuinely aren’t attracted to women older than 21, look for the female version of yourself!
IMHO, anybody who complains about “looking too young” is asking for severe karmic retribution. Nature has given you a gift. It might have an occasional drawback, but to sit around and bitch is unseemly.