I’m a woman in my 20s, and I’ve been dating the love of my life for two years now. We are incredibly happy except for—guess!—we have different sex drives. When we first started dating, I initiated sex all the time and enjoyed it, but as soon as I started on birth control, my libido evaporated. After a nightmarish year of trying different methods, arguing with doctors, and hurt feelings, I decided that it wasn’t worth it, and we’ve stopped using any hormonal birth control (we’re using condoms).
But months later, I still have almost no interest in sex or masturbation. We have sex once or twice a week, but it’s physically boring. I put on my game face and endure it. I enjoy pleasing him, but it does nothing for me. It hurts him that I am not interested in sex and that he can’t arouse or please me. I want us to have a healthy sex life, because I love him and he’s worth it. Could this still be the birth control? Did I somehow flip the OFF switch?
Please help, Dan. My doctors are all sex-negative and don’t see the problem, and I want to enjoy sex again.
Not Horny, Not Happy
Your problem doesn’t sound like a case of differing sex drives, NHNH, but like a healthy sex drive that’s been derailed.
“Birth control pills can decrease sexual desire if they substantially lower testosterone levels,” says Cindy M. Meston, PhD, professor of clinical psychology at University of Texas at Austin and author of Why Women Have Sex. “The pill supplies a steady dose of hormones, so that the body stops producing its own unsteady, cyclical dose.” The pill keeps your estrogen level high in order to prevent ovulation, while also “increasing the sex-hormone-binding globulin (SHBG), which binds to testosterone, thus blocking it from being ‘read’ by the body.”
Testosterone plays a huge role in female libido, and blocking testosterone doesn’t do your libido any favors. And while most women who experience a severe drop in libido on the pill bounce back a few months after they stop taking it, some women aren’t so lucky.
“One well-regarded researcher, Irwin Goldstein, found that after stopping the pill, SHBG remained high in some women and testosterone levels didn’t go back up,” says Meston. “It’s not common, but it could explain this woman’s situation. The best thing for her would be to go to a gynecologist, urologist, or endocrinologist who specializes in sexual medicine (make sure they actually know what the hell they’re measuring) and have all her reproductive hormones measured. If she’s low in testosterone, she can take testosterone supplements.”
That means you’ll have to fire your current sex-negative doctors, NHNH, and find yourself some new, sex-positive ones—and you’ll have to stick with them.
“She needs a good doctor to monitor her closely, as too much testosterone causes bad side effects in women—side effects like facial hair growth.”
I also shared your e-mail with Debby Herbenick, PhD, sexual-health educator at the Kinsey Institute and author of Because It Feels Good, and she feels there’s a chance your problem isn’t hormonal.
“In working with people, what I more often have found—and wrote about in my book—is something I call a ‘cycle of dread.’ I know that sounds ‘magazine-y,’ but it’s the best way I can think of to describe it, and this woman seems to epitomize it.”
A cycle of dread—let’s call it COD—can kick in when someone keeps having sex she doesn’t want to have, or isn’t enjoying, because she feels she must.
“Sometimes, it works out all right—once they start going, it feels better. But quite often, they don’t want it, they do it anyway, it sucks (‘physically boring,’ ‘I put on my game face’), and they do it anyway and keep doing it.”
Herbenick believes a temporary “ban on intercourse”—or taking “vaginal off the menu,” as I’ve recommended in similar circumstances—”can help couples learn to touch each other again with pleasure.”
I think you should take the advice of both of our guest experts: Initiate a ban on intercourse for now, NHNH, because you’re not doing you, your libido, or your boyfriend any favors when you put on that game face and go through the motions, and go get your hormone levels checked.
What does a person do when an LTR starts to feel stagnant or boring or dull?
Partnered But Jonesing
A person experiments (with partner), cheats (on partner), or breaks up (with partner).
I have a dilemma. Even though I was born in 1972, people always assume that I’m in my mid-20s. I tend to attract girls in their early 20s, and when they ask how old I am, I counter with “How old do you think I am?” They invariably guess an age that I haven’t seen in more than a decade. When I tell these 21- to 23-year-olds the truth, it’s a complete turnoff. Just last night I had to endure—that’s endure, not Ensure—my third brush-off at the hands of a hot 21-year-old girl in a row!
So what’s an apparent senior citizen like myself to do? Do I just wait hopelessly for the dreaded question to come up? Do I blurt out “I’m old” as soon as a woman walks up to me? Do I take measures to try to look my age?
You’re probably wondering why I don’t just go for women closer to my own age. Here’s why: Women my own age tell me that they’re looking for serious relationships and I look way too young for that and they worry that my looks mean I’m a total player!
You’re Only Using Numbers, Girls
First, YOUNG, maybe your problem is the lousy puns. Endure/Ensure? That would earn you a brush-off from me.
But if older women aren’t interested because you look too young, and younger women aren’t interested because you are too old—if you’re actually being discriminated against based on your age/looks—then you have a license to lie to women, young and old.
Let younger women think you’re in your 20s until they get to know you better. Then disclose and apologize for the deceit without being too abject about it. You had cause. As for women closer to your own age, well, instead of telling them you’re very nearly 40, YOUNG, let ’em think you’re a twentysomething with a thing for older women. Then if a puma—or panther or cougar or otter or whatever—decides to dump you because she’s getting too attached and the (presumed) age difference is simply too great, bust out your birth certificate, apologize, and propose.
HEY! The Stranger and Trouble Dicso are having a Pre-Pride Boat Party with DJ Kim Ann Foxman of the band Hercules and Love Affair. The party is Thursday, June 24, on The Islander, a large and lovely party boat, and sets sail at 10:00 p.m. for a three-hour booze-y, dance-y, Pride-y
cruise. The Trouble Dicso guys will also be DJing and local dance troupe Dream Weavers will perform. See you on the boat. Tickets are $15 at thestranger.com/boatparty.
Here’s my question for the alt-medicine folks: If these approaches are so successful, then why aren’t doctors using them? Let me guess: it’s a conspiracy! Doctors just don’t want to help their patients!
Please. And the argument that you can’t get funding to study sex drugs! One of the most absurd ever made on SL and that’s saying something.
All right, now I’m angry. Please list the recent studies of non-patentable supplements for libido that got any sort of grant money or other external funding. I bet you can’t even name five.
Few more suggestions for the young looking fella:
Dress the part. I have a close friend who is a 31 year old woman. She’s petite, and in a hoodie and jeans she can look like a teenager. But with a grown woman’s haircut and in business attire, she looks her age. Admittedly in our culture a grown woman who looks like a teen is a lot of men’s dream, but I digress.
Facial hair and glasses can make a man look older, as can the right haircut. Button up shirts and slacks rather than jeans and t-shirts also can make a man look older. If part of the youthful mistake is a small stature, perhaps he should get to a gym and buff up a bit.
Finally, at 38, perhaps he should aim for that sweet spot somewhere between women his own age and those just able to legally drink. I think it’s pretty well established that women in their early 20s are often still looking for their perfect prince, while women in their late 20s are much more flexible about superficial factors than their younger peers.
Uhh, that first quote should read, “The pill keeps your **progestin** level high in order to prevent ovulation …”
Kinda undercuts the credibility of the rest of the “expert” opinion. The estrogen is optional.
I’m a regular reader of Savage Love and a physician. I want to point out that the advice that was given the NHNH is misleading. It is irresponsible to recommend that this woman have her hormone levels checked, because this is unlikely to explain her lack of sexual desire. Physicians are often accused of being “sex-negative,” but fact of the matter is that lack of sexual arousal of is a very common problem encountered by physicians in clinical practice. In fact, 40% of women report problems with sexual desire, arousal or orgasm, and 12% of women find these symptoms distressing. Lack of sexual desire can be explained by a whole host of conditions, some of them medical (e.g. depression, substance abuse, pelvic and uterine dysfunction) and the majority of them social (life events, relationship to one’s sexual partner). The notion that this woman’s lack of sexual arousal is related to oral contraceptive pills and testosterone levels takes a very common problem and pins it on a very uncommon diagnosis. While oral contraceptive pills have been shown to decrease testosterone levels, the relationship of low testosterone to lack of sexual arousal is very murky. Hormone levels can vary considerably in normal individuals. In fact, the American Society of Endocrinology recommends against making a diagnosis of testosterone deficiency in women because it is not a well defined clinical disorder. (See “Wierman ME. Androgen therapy in women, a Clinical Practice Guideline. Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, 2006.)
I think that better advice for this woman is that she should be screened for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, physical or sexual abuse, as well as common medical conditions such as diabetes, thyroid dysfunction, pelvic disease. If these are normal, sex or couples therapy is a good next step. Treatment with testosterone or other androgens has been done but the results are variable and the medications have side effects.
For other people facing problems with sexual desire, speaking to their physician can be a good first step. There are also online resources, via the American Academy of Family Physicians and the Mayo Clinic.
A Concerned Physician
#101–Western medicine is limited in it’s belief in treating symptoms. Alternative medicine takes your whole (lifestyle, eating habits, emotional stressors etc) into account and tries to find the root that is causing the symptoms. Western medicine says “low testosterone. lets give them supplemental testosterone” while alternative medicine says “lets look at all of the possible reasons that this person is having a hard time getting excited about sex”. Yes, acupuncture and herbal remedies are often a part of treatment (backed up, I might add, by thousands of years of eastern medical history) but to reduce it to some sort of witch doctor voodoo thing is close minded and short sighted.
#105–I should have written that Western medicine “can be” limited; you, and my family doctor as well, seem to have a very comprehensive approach, and that should be recognized and appreciated!
@106/107
So you call those of us that question the magic healing powers of untested alternative approaches closed-minded, and then claim that all of Western medicine only believes in treating symptoms? It’s just. not. true. ‘Thousands of years of history’ isn’t science. It sounds like ashwagandha might have some compounds that have clinical benefit. Awesome. We should (and it appears that scientists are trying) identify the active compounds, isolate them, purify them, continue to test their efficacy, test their safety, identify potential drug reactions, identify ideal dosages and then use them for treatment.
And after all, what is acupuncture and chiropractic but treating the symptom? There’s certainly no scientific basis whatsoever for the hypotheses governing their supposed efficacy, regardless of whether or not they sometimes work.
hhs, I’m sorry, but Western medicine is not about just treating symptoms. Any doctor that wouldn’t try to find out WHY a patient has low testosterone ought to have their license revoked. Western medicine has done an excellent job of discovering the diseases and disorders that cause various symptoms, and of course this process is never-ending. FDA approved and regulated pharmaceuticals undergo years of clinical trials and their contents are monitored for quality and consistency. As AllisonM pointed out, herbal supplements are not regulated at all and many of them contain harmful products. You won’t know this, though, because the label doesn’t have to tell you. And years of history is not the same as years of science. #108 is right on. Acupuncture has shown some verifiable results for certain ailments, and I’m sure they’ll keep testing it, just as herbs with potent compounds will be the basis for new drugs.
@87: Agreed. Who the hell asks how old a person is, right off the bat? On the other hand, I agree with a couple of other people here about his incredibly lame response. “How old do you think I am?” Just screams douchebag, and it’s entirely possible that this guy just doesn’t have much in the way of personality. It wouldn’t be much of a surprise–guys like that never know they’re guys like that.
@ young. just be yourself you needn’t lie about your age when someone ask how old you are tell them. if they act surprised just shrug it off and thank them for the complement . believe it or not sometimes younger people find people who are older than them interesting and attractive ( and vise versa) for your own sanity try to date people within 10yrs of you age. dont stress out about people thinking you’re younger unless its because you’re acting immature.
Yeah, I have to call bullshit on YOUNG. There’s no shortage of women who don’t mind dating older guys. And please, please, please let’s not start the Jason Robinson conversation again. If younger women think he’s a creep, it’s probably because he’s acting like a creep. If older women think he’s a player, it’s probably because he’s acting like a player.
I think Dan’s first instinct was right. Not the one telling him to tell YOUNG to lie about his age, but that his lack of success with women has nothing to do with his youthful looks. If anything, he’s getting blown off DESPITE them.
To YOUNG:
There’s plenty of younger ladies who like older men. I am one of them. I’m 18, and I normally date 30-somethings. I don’t know many women my age who would totally brush a guy off because of his age if he made a positive impression. Generally speaking, women my age tend to be vain. We like hot guys, we like hot reliable guys, we like hot reliable guys who have gotten over the “bro” phase. If women are blowing you off, you either 1) aren’t that hot, 2) didn’t make an impression, 3) do not act age appropriately. The fact that you’re scoping for ladies in areas that cater to the young folk does indicate that you aren’t reliable or mature. Perhaps stop frequenting college bars and try branching out a bit.
@108: thousands of years of history isn’t science? If it isn’t, I’m not sure what is. Humans were surviving, healing, and innovating long before pharmaceutical trials. If we had run everything we consumed over all of human existence through tests for efficacy, safety, ideal dosages, I don’t think we would have gotten very far. Writing it off entirely is like disputing that water quenches thirst, just because it may not have been tested in a laboratory.
Hahaha! The answer to Partnered But Jonesing (about the LTR) is an instant classic.
Where is YOUNG going that he runs into 21 year old ageists all the time? What is his dating pool?
to YOUNG:
when I was 21, I walked into a music store, thought the guy behind the counter was cute and asked him out. We went on our 1st date the next day and over lunch I asked him how old is was. “How old do you think I am?” was his response, I said 27 and was off by 8 years. 1 year to the day later, were (and still are) married…a long-winded, sappy story to get to the point: younger women who like older men are out there. You don’t have to lie or change the way you dress.
@heatherly & ilq
So this is interesting…it turns out Dan actually edited YOUNG’s letter for the column. Here’s the abridged section:
“I mean there was this one 20-year-old girl who was okay with it and we dated for awhile. She was an actress, but I kind of realized she sucked when I took my friends to see her, so I ended things. Haven’t heard from her since.
Anyway, I gotta run. My friend Basil is coming over later. He’s kind of a sad sack, but he’s got this kick ass buddy Henry who’s hella chill to hang with.
Peace out,
YOUNG”
@ #87,
Ditto. The only person who should be asking my age at the bar is the person who’s selling the booze. If I’m old enough to have a beer in my hand, I’m old enough to fuck. My birth date, along with my SS#, are private bidness. Keep your nose out of it.
double helix – while I would agree with you that blind belief in herbal medicines is idiotic, the fact remains that one of the oldest forms of medicine -Ayurveda – is based on the science of plant medicine AND is a rigorously tested and documented branch. The herb ashwagandha mentioned by one poster is used for precisely the ailment she mentioned.
And yes, ayurveda does balance out hormones, remove toxicity – and it addresses the person, his lifestyle, his physiology etc – as does Homeopathy, another ancient AND well-documented science.
Any good Ayurvedic practioner would take an hour and have you answer MANY questions about your lifestyle, diet, sleep, sexual habits etc, before they would even begin to treat you. And none of the treatments are going to ‘cure’ you overnight. It is a lifestyle change that they demand of you, and however suspicious of these sciences you are, please do some research before knocking it altogether.
Ayurveda has been known and practiced in India for centuries. In fact, the first known written text, Sushruta Samhita, was dated to 3rd century AD. A treatise in which were included notes on surgery, and plastic surgery. And in case you think I am being anecdotal, this has been verified by British physicians in the 18th century. Which leads me to wonder if our contributions to medicine and mathematics, and anything else for that matter will only count if it is validated by the west.
@114
NO, thousands of years of history is NOT science. Science is a method for gaining knowledge, based on constantly testing hypotheses to see if they match the facts. Alt medicine too often refuses to put its solutions to the test, with bs claims like those of marrena that they just can’t get funding for their amazing treatments.
Just because people have been doing something for a long time does NOT mean it works. It could be a cultural practice, or it could be that theyve been taken in by snake oil salesmen. It may mean that the practice is not harmful, but it doesn’t mean it’s a proven cure.
hhs,
Western docs do not say “it’s low testosterone” unless they’ve already given you a test that PROVED that testosterone levels were low. In fact, it’s alt medicine that says “no matter what the problem, X is the solution”
The point is that any medicine that wants to be taken seriously needs to be open with its data and willing to consider facts that do not favor its products and services.
If you don’t like puns you are Double Hitler.
@114
Science is defined by experiments whose results can be repeated, and to do this you must keep records of your data. Traditional medicine doesn’t do that. And jesus christ, just because we didn’t do clinical trials 500 years ago is no reason for not having them as the standard now. There’s plenty to be found in traditional medicine, which is why chemists isolate the active compounds and purify them. There is also the issue of the placebo effect in untested drugs. The placebo effect can actually do you a lot of good, but the herbs can have side effects that must be taken into consideration. I’m not trying to insult the history of medicine, but I think it’s sensible to move into the modern age and enjoy the benefits of our vastly improved methods and technology.
It’s not always abotu looks or your age it all comes down to what eachother want. You’re saying that age is a pure factor here yet you seem to dismiss the fact that if they’re over 20 why does it really matter? Have some fun 😉 Failing that just buy some Sex Toys and do what you want haha.
It’s not always abotu looks or your age it all comes down to what eachother want. You’re saying that age is a pure factor here yet you seem to dismiss the fact that if they’re over 20 why does it really matter? Have some fun 😉 Failing that just buy some Sex Toys and do what you want haha.
Young has no problem; he’s bragging and enjoying his situation, which I’d bet anything he exacerbates to the nth power to achieve the ultimate goal of so many idiot straight guys: staying unattached. And like the rest of them, he prefers vanity-stroking even to sex. Have fun while ya can, Spanky, ’cause the next decade holds your Dorian Gray moment. There’s nothing spookier or more hideous and off-putting than a Baby Face gone old. A walking Chucky, that’s what you’ll be.
@120 geminigirl
Your mention of homeopathy as a “well-documented science” tells me all I need to know about your point of view. Since the whole premise goes against hundreds (thousands!) of years of actual science, namely physics and chemistry and biology (hell, possibly some other branches too!). Just repeat to yourself: it’s just water, it’s just water, it’s just water.
@114 (fredricka22)
ML77 already responded admirably, so let me just say: water has been extensively studied, actually.
The YOUNG guy should just dress cool. Nevermind trying to dress like a b-boi to entice the twenty-something apple martini sipping lot. There’s nothing worse than someone who is 57 trying to act like they’re 23. It’s just ridiculous. This cat, the 40 year old YOUNG guy: he just wants the 20-year-old puss. Fibbing about your age is for ladies. It’s just a bunch of bulls***: “How old do you think I am?” Old enough for me to not really give a right s***. Next? 😉 LOL
doublehelix – just because you do not acknowledge anything other than western medicine does not mean that other forms of medicine which have been proven to work, and has been acknowledged to work by registered and well-known practioners of Allopathy do not work, or are somehow inferior.
I like your contention that homeopathy goes against thousands of years of science – let me give you just one example. For centuries, Magnesium has been prescribed by homeopaths for migraines. Guess what? Your allopathic community has just woken up to the fact that magnesium actually does work – only they make it into white capsules of magnesium,a nd add calcium to make it seem like they found it out all by themselves. So instead of the little white magnesium pills that homeopaths prescribe, you can down a bitter chalky LARGE magnesium tablet that your large pharma provides and mock at the origin of that cure.
I have nothing against allopathy, and find it efficacious in treating some diseases / illnessess; unlike you, just because allopathy did not work for me for a particular problem, I do not tar the whole science as a collusion between corporate interests and large pharma, or diss an entire science.
Please, please educate yourself on Ayurveda atleast – it is heavily documented and goes through rigrorous testing. Unfortunately, the testing is also done by Indians so maybe that will not count.
@130
It’s an utterly false dichotomy. There’s medicine that works and there are treatments that don’t. It doesn’t matter if we realize something works after studying in a lab, work brought on because an herb has been used traditionally as a treatment or if we realize something works after a large-scale small molecule screen. I don’t want a naturapath giving me a magnesium supplement. I want magnesium that is purified, concentrated and regulated. And hey, perhaps it’s more effective mixed with calcium! I don’t know, but I can guarantee you there are peer-reviewed articles about it.
And for the record: ‘Homeopathy’ is not synonymous to ‘alternative’. Magnesium is not a homeopathic remedy. The homeopathic remedy is a ‘magnesium’ solution that is so dilute that there is chemically, mathematically, no magnesium molecules left in the solution. That is probably less magnesium than I can get from a glass of water from my tap.
Ahh, it’s the always-popular ‘requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!’ gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
@130
It’s an utterly false dichotomy. There’s medicine that works and there are treatments that don’t. It doesn’t matter if we realize something works after studying in a lab, work brought on because an herb has been used traditionally as a treatment or if we realize something works after a large-scale small molecule screen. I don’t want a naturapath giving me a magnesium supplement. I want magnesium that is purified, concentrated and regulated. And hey, perhaps it’s more effective mixed with calcium! I don’t know, but I can guarantee you there are peer-reviewed articles about it.
And for the record: ‘Homeopathy’ is not synonymous to ‘alternative’. Magnesium is not a homeopathic remedy. The homeopathic remedy is a ‘magnesium’ solution that is so dilute that there are chemically, mathematically, no magnesium molecules left in the solution. That is probably less magnesium than I can get from a glass of water from my tap.
Ahh, it’s the always-popular ‘requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!’ gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
Dan, I want to than you for your response to “Not Happy, Not Horny’s” letter is this weeks issue. I can relate. I think I too am one of the unlucky ones that was permanently affected by my use of the Pill. My sex drive is not what it used to be before I started using it, and I’ve stressed and racked my brains trying to figure out what might be the culprit. Even though I stopped using the pill years ago, sadly, the sex drive I once had has never returned.
This is a legitimate side effect that women should be told about before making the decision to take the pill. I was not told this was a possibility, and after voicing my concerns, my gyno told me that my sex drive would return to normal after I’d been off the Pill for a few months. Well, she was wrong.
Thanks again for your great advice.
@ 133: I recently had routine bloodwork done for a physical and I was found to be deficient in Niacin, which has something to do with low good cholesterol.. Since I’ve been taking the Niacin supplement, my circulation and energy is better. My point here is if “Not Happy, Not Horny” still feels a bit off after having been away from the pill(s) long enough, perhaps there would be a reason that could be found with closer examination.
Oh, come on! How many older women have really turned YOUNG down on the basis of his baby face? I’m surprised you fell for this one, Dan.
Either YOUNG isn’t entirely forthcoming about what’s really been going on, or, if he’s telling the truth, the older women, having enough experience to recognize an unstable personality when they see one, are letting him down easy.
Every woman learns this trick by age thirty or so because it’s better than arguing with a nutcase for two hours about whether she has the right not to go out with him.
I do NOT think that lying to women is a good idea. My advice to YOUNG: internet dating. Your internet profile should include your age, so the women won’t be able to make false assumptions.
And for the record: ‘Homeopathy’ is not synonymous to ‘alternative’. Magnesium is not a homeopathic remedy. The homeopathic remedy is a ‘magnesium’ solution that is so dilute that there is chemically, mathematically, no magnesium molecules left in the solution. That is probably less magnesium than I can get from a glass of water from my tap.
Ahh, it’s the always-popular ‘requiring science-based-medicine makes you a racist!’ gambit. Not helping your point here, gemini. Shockingly, I hear Indians do real science too.
—
I had written a long post which seemed to have disappeared into ether, but anyway, two things – one, thank YOU for exposing your ignorance of homeopathy. Magnesium in homeopathy is not so dilute that there is no trace of it in the solution. If you knew anything at all about it, or were even interested in finding out, then you *would* know that homeopathic medicines come in different concentrations from 100x to 1c.
Two, I did point out ONE science based branch of medicine – Ayurveda, which you have conveniently ignored in *all* your subsequent ripostes – only it is not the ‘science’ you know. And whether you agree or not, Ayurveda IS *real* science.
It is a well-known, well-documented, rigorously tested discipline, and many allopathic practitioners from the west are now acknowledging what Ayurvedic practioners have always been saying regards diet, lifestyle, etc. The more open-minded among them are also digging into old treatises to find mention of illnesses and diseases that have baffled them for ages, and using those texts to see how they can help people today.
My original post *said* that blind belief in herbal remedies is idiotic. However, closing your mind to *any* other option other than allopathic medicine is ridiculous. There should be a happy medium between these two extremes. I offered one. You do not believe in homeopathy. That is fine. You do not know anything about Ayurveda? That is fine, too. But do not knock something because you do not know anything about it. I come from a long line of Aryurvedic practioners. Every generation, for the past 14, has also had one or two allopathic doctors. I see the good in both.
If you choose to disagree, that is fine. But you can do so without the aid of snarky remarks. And oh, you pulled the racist comment out – I do not bandy terms like that even as a joke.
In my experience, Western and alternative medicine can mix quite well. I see a pelvic floor physical therapist for pelvic pain, and she uses many modern, science-based methods. But she has also suggested that I do yoga to help with relaxation and flexibility, as well as probiotic supplements to decrease the frequency of yeast infections. Both of these have helped me.
FYI, strength training in the gym stimulates (in a safe and natural way) testosterone production. NHNH might benefit from some regular gym time to help increase her libido.
Here’s a very sexy woman’s advice to NHNH. It is important to make sure you stay conscious of, and cultivate, your sexuality. Flirt. Read sexy books and watch romantic movies. Watch porn. (Strangely, male on male does it for me, so keep looking.) Buy really nice underwear that feels good. Shop for sex toys if something you read or see catches your attention. Think about sex. Both of you quit using scented products so your natural pheromones are more evident.
I went through a very long dry spell after a divorce and full responsibility for young children. My sex drive came back better than ever doing what I suggest. I am multi-orgasmic in my 70’s, and probably haven’t any hormones left at all. It’s largely in the mind.
@138 (anon)
Well, that’s kinda my point. There doesn’t have to be a line there. Yoga absolutely has health benefits, both in terms of physiology (increased strength and flexibility, weight loss, etc) and mentally, if you’re someone who likes the meditation-deep-breathing stuff. And probiotics…well, not all the products on the market have been tested, but we certainly know (and with the advent of next generation sequencing are learning more all the time) about the importance of our natural microbial flora and its role in health. And of course a drug like aspirin you might use for pain relief has its origins in traditional herbal remedies. The lines blur.
@137
Yeah, it did that to me too, but somehow I ended up with a double post.
I’m only going by the very definition of the field. Hahnemann seemed to think that all the diluting made the ‘remedy’ more powerful, and even a 1C is, what, 1:100? And homeopaths consider that a higher potency than 1X, which is 1:10? At any rate, even the lower-X-value dilutions haven’t been show clinical efficacy better than placebo.
Ayurveda is based on the fire, earth, water, air and ether as the elements that make up the universe! No part of that is scientific. It’s unscientific from the premise. Just because it advocates living well and taking care of yourself doesn’t make it scientific; so does everyone else. Good on them for developing an early system to prevent and treat disease; that doesn’t mean everything they did was right, and it doesn’t mean we should cow to their tenants when they’ve been shown ineffective under controlled study.
Dude, come on, you implied that I was disregarding Ayuvedra because it is primarily practiced by an entire ethnicity of people that you assume I am not part of (snarkily, no less). That’s pretty clear-cut. But always a risky gambit on the internet, since you don’t know where I’m from or what color I am.
Young, your problem is not your age or looks, your problem is that your MO is obviously hitting on random women, and I’m going to guess it’s at bars, right? By your age, you should have some kind of life that brings you into contact with other people socially and from there you make friends, and from there you date. Then they already know how old you are, right? Figure out what you like in life, do it (running group, theater, music meet-up, painting class, whatever), make some friends then ask the cute ones out.
Yeah, I get it about anyone complaining they “look too young” (well, anyone past their late 20’s, anyway), but I think YOUNG’s getting a lot of abuse for something that can be a legit issue. Maybe he IS a douche, but maybe not. I’m a 44 yr old woman who is regularly taken for much younger. As personally pleased as I am at my good fortune in this respect, I have found it can be an issue. In work/professional situations(where it can sometimes take a while to demonstrate that I am NOT some much younger up-start but skilled and very experienced at what I do) and in social situations (where I get hit on by guys not much older than my son and with whom I come to find quickly I have very little in common AND often get the cold shoulder from men closer to my age who assume I’m “too young” to be interested or “too young” for THEM to be interested). My personality is fairly mature and I dress like an adult; not like a grandmother but certainly not like a teenager! I’m NOT whining, but it CAN be an issue when trying to meet someone you get on with on a mental level. I think YOUNG has a legit problem and he is seeking advice on how to handle it better than he apparently is.
#142, I agree…now there is some helpful advice for YOUNG. 🙂
Thank you to all the posters with suggestions for NHNH! 2 years on 3 different Pill formulations, 1 year of the ring, and 2 years on a diaphragm, and I still have no libido. Before I got on the Pill, I had a healthy sex drive, despite being in a long-distance relationship. Within 6 months of starting hormonal birth control I could feel the difference in myself, but nothing has helped. I eat right, get a moderate amount of exercise, handle my stress pretty well, and am very sex-positive. I got my testosterone checked in the middle of this, and they told me it was on the low end of normal; obviously, it’s too low for me. I just went again a few months ago to ask if there was anything that could be done, but the doctor said that as long as I’m getting regular periods, my hormones are fine. I should have asked about SHBG.
I’m pretty “granola,” but I am also a medical student and a historian of medicine. My view on most “alternative” medicine is that if people have been using it for so long, it must work. Even if it only works by placebo effect, that’s still more than I’m getting from my allopaths right now. Of course there has been harmful medicine (blood-letting, anyone?). But by asking around my community I figure I can find somethings to try that will do more harm than good. And yes, I’m well aware of the fact that herbals are not regulated, so I’ll definitely research this stuff.
What it comes down to, for me, is wanting to get that spark back—even if it means getting back to the acne and PMS I had before starting the Pill. I can give my husband mind-blowing orgasms, but sex for me is “nice”—like if you were petting a cat. As intellectual as I am, I still feel “broken” because I can’t enjoy the prime of my sex life.
@ 87 Rach31
Um. . . What if they are asking because they think you are attractive, intelligent, and interesting, but don’t want to get arrested. That’s not rude. That’s well within the realm of “information they need.” I suppose they could ask “Are you over eighteen?” and that would be okay, but they aren’t being rude to ask.
The comments this week are rather more interesting than Dan’s column.
Let me say I support drug trial tested meds over herbal “remedies” that may not even contain the herbs they claim. I do this because (aside from usual human error and venality) the medical establishment’s record of effectiveness overall has been demonstratively superior and generally indicates a better control factor. The large amount of simple-minded ego, and cultishness in most of the herbal movement is a turn off too.
That said, isn’t it interesting that the birth control hormone problem HNHN is writing about is from a professionally derived medication that DID go thru extensive medical trials and has been around for decades?
And here we have many people touting more drugs that have been through peer reviews and clinical trials, etc. to fix her problem.
So maybe some innocuous herbs may give her a placebo effect? Well, many recent studies show that effect is MORE beneficial than actual drugs for some problems. So I guess I’m a bit on the fence here.
I definitely agree with Dan about her finding a sex positive doctor.
Hopefully she will have better luck than I ever did. If I had a dollar for every OBGyn who asked if I “had pain with intercourse?” and then had no further suggestions when I said, “Yes”, I’d be a rich woman. (Turned out to be stage 4 endometriosis, BTW)
I also agree with the Kinsey doc and the “cycle of dread”. I don’t know about other women, but when I’ve refrained from sex, especially vaginal, for a while, my arousal will be quicker and the intensity of my orgasms MUCH greater.
I feel for YOUNG…people don’t get it. I’m almost 50 and look much younger, mostly I get 32ish…which is fine on the one hand but when you’re patted on the head at 40…well it’s a problem, a nice problem I suppose but a problem.
I’ve had acquaintances I knew 30 years ago strike up conversations telling me that I remind them of someone they once knew…me…very odd…
Are there certain pills that have a harder effect on a woman’s sex drive or is it hormonal birth control in general? My girlfriends drive is far lower than mine and I’m struggling to suggest some changes that could bring hers up a little. We had more sex in our first tear together than we did our second, when she got on the pill.
On herbal remedies: There was a really interesting Consumer Reports test quite some years ago on Sam-E, when it was the rage for treating depression. Turned out that out of a dozen or more brands tested, either none or one brand (memory fails) had the listed amount of the active ingredient, and several had none at all. Herbs can be very powerful, but you’ll have to find a source you can trust, and I don’t know of one. I wish we had a central testing lab — unlike the FDA, it wouldn’t promise safety, only that the ingredients listed are present and fully accounted for.
Western medicine isn’t all that great, either. Consider the word “iatrogenic.” Treatment that does more harm than good is a far-too-common cause of death in the U.S.