My boyfriend and I have “history.” We dated casually and weren’t ready to stop seeing other people, so we had an open relationship. This phase was awful: lots of fights, a couple minor breakups, and eventually I called it quits for good, cutting off all contact. A month later, we started talking again and decided to commit for reals. No fucking around this time. This is his first monogamous relationship, and while he claims to miss the variety, he says he wouldn’t trade having me for having it.
Here’s my question: I’d like to have a three-way. While I trust him, I don’t want to make it seem like it’s okay for him to fuck around again. Is this too dangerous a proposition?
One More Time
Full disclosure: I’m on an airplane, under the influence, and in coach (which means I’m typing with my computer resting on my chest). So this week’s advice is sure to be extra sucky.
Okay, OMT, if you make the mistake of having a three-way, you could wind up fighting, breaking up, and calling it quits all over again. But all of that could happen if you make the mistake of not having that three-way. And then, my God, just think of it: You would have gone through all of that again without having a three-way.
Err on the side of the three-way.
People in monogamous relationships get cheated on, OMT, even though their partners understand that it’s not okay to fuck around. So keeping the relationship officially monogamous doesn’t necessarily protect you from infidelity. Keeping it honest, keeping it communicative, and being in a relationship with someone trustworthy does.
After you discuss this with your boyfriend, OMT, if you believe him when he swears that he can be trusted—when he swears to fully understanding that he’d still be in a quasi-monogamous relationship (you only have sex with other people together)—then why not satisfy his desire for a little variety and your desire for a three-way, aka “a little variety”?
For the past six months, a very attractive, put-together auburn-haired man has come to my attention, but I have not done anything about this because he is a total stranger. He waits at the same bus stop as me in the morning. We also transfer to the same streetcar. I’ve been dating other people since I’ve noticed Hot Bus Stop Man, but no one incredible, and I can’t seem to get Hot Bus Stop Man out of my mind.
I’ve only made eye contact with this cutie a few times because I’m not in the habit of asking complete strangers out. This morning, though, I attempted a smile in his direction, although I can’t be sure he saw because, of course, I was trying my best not to look at him and give myself away. What else can I do?
Girl Crushing On Hot Bus Stop Man
I’m only running your insanely boring letter on the off chance—two very off chances—that HBSM is (1) a reader and (2) not a fag. Hopefully, he is and isn’t, respectively, will recognize himself, and will ask your demure little ass out. (If you’re reading and you’re gay, HBSM, compliment GCOHBSM’s new shoes the next time you see her and put her out of her misery, okay?)
If he’s not a reader, GCOHBSM, you’ll just have to risk saying something to him. Try “Hello.” Then smile at him—at him, not “in his direction”—and give yourself the fuck away, already.
Rick Santorum is definitely running for president. A member of a forum I frequent referred to him as “Senator Frothymix.” You should refer to him as such if you mention his presidential hopes in your column.
That Is All
Oh, right. Rick Santorum.
About a year ago, when Santorum first leaked… er, signaled… his intention to run, I asked if any of my readers had a desire to blog at www.spreadingsantorum.com, my long-dormant Santorum-bashing/redefining blog. It’s still the number-one internet search result for “Santorum” and “Rick Santorum.” (This has been described as Santorum’s “serious Google problem” by political reporters and bloggers.)
Anyway, people wrote in and volunteered for the gig, and I somehow lost all of the e-mails. Sorry about that. If there are still folks out there who want to blog about Santorum at the number-one site for his name—people who want to be a part of Santorum’s Google problem—and want to do it for free, please write me at santorumblog@savagelove.net.
Men enjoy porn, but women don’t. Here’s something women enjoy that men don’t: vibrators. Just as men feel threatened by vibrators (“My cock isn’t good enough for you?”), women feel threatened by porn (“My tits aren’t good enough for you?”).
And when women cry, “What if the children found those stashed in the garage?!” men can respond, “What if the children found your vibrator?!”
Desires Erotic Balance should use a vibrator while her boyfriend uses porn. They should also film it and put it up on the internet.
Vice Is Barely Erotic
Yeah, vibrators are probably a better example of something dirty that women enjoy and (most) men do not—certainly better than cupcakes with pink sprinkles. I stand corrected. (But most people don’t have incriminating porn stashes in the garage these days, VIBE, they have incriminating browser histories.)
And speaking of vibrators: Taylor Momsen—one of the stars of Gossip Girl—recently “divulged” to Disorder Magazine that her “best friend is her vibrator.” Fox News wrote up the “scandal,” of course, but got quotes only from antisex nutters: batshit Catholic reactionary Bill Donohue, conservative radio yakker Michael Medved, an elderly grandmother who runs a parenting organization, and some douchebag from the National Center for Biblical Parenting who predicted that Momsen’s actions “will result in failure in her life.”
There are no quotes—in the interest of fairness and balance—from anyone who doesn’t see vibrators as battery-operated tools of the devil. No one is allowed to point out that sex toys are common, completely mainstream, and safe for use by young women. A vibrator is a low-risk alternative to intercourse with, say, Chace Crawford. (No risk of pregnancy, disease, or Axe body spray.)
It’s true, Bill Donohue, that the young lady isn’t old enough to walk into a sex shop—or as Fox News so delicately put it: “[Momsen] is not legally of age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia.” She is, however, over 17—that is, of legal age to consent to sex in New York.Anyone old enough to have a dick in her twat is old enough to have a vibrator in her nightstand. And social and cultural conservatives are apparently unaware of e-commerce—Amazon has a nice selection of vibrators.
Young ladies who want a vibrator don’t need to be of legal age to enter venues that sell sexual paraphernalia. All they need is internet access and a credit card.
“Err on the wrong side of a three-way.”
LIKE.
Yeah, I wish Amazon had “sexual wellness devices” in stock..or that there was the ‘net at all..when I was a desperate teen. I dreaded the sleazy sex toy store. Thankfully, they have gotten better. Plus I’m older & give less of a damn. 😉
Coach makes ya cranky, doesn’t it, Dan? I hear ya. Those seats are some definite masochism.
Wow, I think that’s one the best Dan Savage quotes I’ve heard — “No risk of pregnancy, disease, or Axe body spray”
Re; GCOHBSM
It’s SO TRUE! Amazing what eye contact, shy smile, and quick look away will do.
if you let yourself be caught trying to make eye contact.
In my case, lots of flirting and one (unfortunately bad) date. Really should leave the house more often…
Is it typical when referring to a 3-way not to mention what gender the 3rd is going to be, like it doesn’t matter at all? It leaves the reader in a restless state of ambiguity.
Girls don’t even need the internet. Almost every mall has a Spencer Gifts, which is selling more and more sex toys by the minute, including more variety of vibrators.
When I bought my first one, at the ripe old age of 15, they sold one type for $8. Now they have a whole wall of them. It sure is easy for young girls to buy any kind of toy they so desire.
although girls do have access to credit cards and the internet, that misses some of the access problems for girls who live at home with their parents – what to say when a parcel turns up and their family asks about it/stay to watch them unwrap it. @6 is right about a shop actually being far more accessible to teenage girls
OK SERIOUSLY could somebody please acknowledge that girls like porn? That some girls like it a lot? That some girls can’t masturbate without it? That some girls really don’t give a damn if they’re reading a book while their partner is masturbating to porn in the other room? That some girls like to have porn on while having sex? That some girls . . . yeah, you get the picture.
Please?
All girls hate porn or they are not women. It’s the law.
it is true that vibrators are more available through the internet; however, it is also true that access is still very difficult – yes, girls can buy a vibrator on amazon, but what are they going to say to their families when it arrives in the post and their parents ask to see what book they’ve bought. It is far easier for many young women to buy a vibrator like @6 says
woops, sorry for the double post.
I think OMT is in serious trouble if she pursues indulging her desire. She’s made it perfectly clear that it’s “my way or the highway” (monogamy), but now wants to declare that her way also includes a three-way because she wants it. That leaves the door open for him to declare his demands which, no doubt, will include a three-way or more!
I know girls who like porn (a lot). Sometimes vibrators work (very) well with engorged penises. There’s no exclusivity on either one, although there is definitely a normal curve. Women who like porn are growing in number, as are the hours of 8tubbing for them. However, I believe the porn phenomena will eventually come to pass, like most everything in life. There will always be a huge venue and some constant users, but, like ice-cream, the majority will only use it sparingly. Eventually, not now.
One More Time is speaking out of both sides of her mouth, when it could be put to much better uses. She needs to admit to herself the SHE is not ready for a monogamous relationship. Nuttin’ wrong wi’ dat. But she’s not, and thus shouldn’t be trying to control the bf’s natural desires.
As to vibrators, VIBE… Perhaps the reason STRAIGHT guys don’t like ’em is because they don’t know where to put ’em!
A lot of men like women with vibrators.
@2
When I was in high school there was the internet, but my parents obsessively went through the mail. If I got a package they would have opened it.
My parents weren’t religious, but they had this weird idea that they could make their children not think of sex if they were diligent enough. I think they were afraid a vibrator would give me “dangerous ideas.”
It didn’t work. One sister got an STD, and the other had a baby out of wedlock.
Where do people get these stupid notions from?
to everyone saying “go buy a vibe at Spencer’s”, I say “HELL NO!”
not only is Spencer’s skeevy, but I’m sure there are plenty of shy girls out there who don’t want people in a MALL knowing what they’re buying. personally, much more comfortable to buy it online or in a sex shop (at least they know what they’re talking about… plus you get what you pay for). anyway, who wants a $8 vibe that’s going to break in a week? gimme a reason to splurge and I’ll work that sucker out for as long as it can take.
What’s the big problem with “access” to vibrators? I got my first one at Walgreens, in a box labeled “personal massager” (you know, with the picture of the lady holding it against her face).
@8 Dan did exactly that in his previous column, when he brought up the subject.
All very sound advice and opinions for someone writing under the influence. In vino veritas!
boring column, thanks for all the great letters. Vibrators and porn seem like they’d go together except for it’s over so damn quick.
And after about 5 minutes, porn isn’t so thrilling, especially when a certain lack of enthusiasm is present. Good porn is hard to find.
Taylor Momsen is such a good role model on the subject of vibrators.
There are probably more men who hate vibrators and women who hate porn that the opposite, but I suspect the numbers of both are shrinking.
Speaking as an XX, I didn’t used to like porn until I discovered gay porn. Its the women with fake boobs screaming like banshees and acting as if getting a facial is the most pleasurable thing ever that put me off. At least in gay porn it is assumed that both participants are relevant and the howling is less embarrasingly fake.
What kind of world have we gotten ourselves into when we will rush into chatting with total strangers online, sometimes without pix, and quickly strike something up (not sure if I should call it a “relationship” and chat forever before meeting in person – and that is less terrifying than someone you’ve seen most every day at a bus stop?
At least we know what the Bus Stop Guy looks like, so why is it so unusual to catch his eye and strike up a conversation? Most people aren’t too creeped out when they’re hit on on the ‘net or on internet dating sites, but someone you’ve seen repeatedly would seem a safer bet than a total stranger who may or may not be the pic that they sent.
Spencer’s is still around?? I associate it with the ’70s: incense, black light posters, and Gary Wright’s “Dreamweaver”!
When I was a teen in the 80’s I didn’t know girls had orgasms or what a clitoris was. These days anyone can buy a vibrator, from cheap battery-operated ones to Hitachi Magic Wands, in any drugstore or grocery store in my Texas town. No credit card required, which would be harder for a kid to get access to.
Yeah, coach is a bummer. I’m sitting on a Greyhound bus practically typing with my elbows right now.
I can’t stand states that make it legal for under-eighteens to get freakin’ MARRIED (and probably to creepy older dudes) or get killed in the military, but don’t want them to have a beer or buy a vibrator. Talk about a double standard.
I agree with @19. The Wahl personal massager is the best vibrator you can buy, it’s not only powerful, but virtually silent, no to mention that is very low priced, doesn’t take batteries, and is available at most any pharmacy. I had my first one for over ten years before the cord went bad.
@25: Why? People can still lie to you in person. How does knowing how a person look mean you know anything about him?
I mean, I agree with the basic gist there — why be terrified just because it’s in person — but internet interactions are pretty benign. Sometimes it’s easier for people to interact when they *aren’t* seen — maybe they’re self-conscious about how they dress or look. And beating a quick exit in case of humiliation is a lot easier online.
Walgreens sells “personal massagers!” So does overstock.com.
I’m a guy and I like vibrators so….the world is more diverse than most people think.
@14: Umm… erotic/explicitly-sexual depictions have been around at least as long as human civilization; at this point I think we can safely say that porn is not a fad.
@19: A think the vibrating squiggly-writing pen is the classic easy-access vibrator: it’s cheap, phallic, and marketed to a young demographic, so even tweens don’t have to feel awkward about buying one.
That said, I’ve never known one of those nice non-skeezy female-owned sex-positive sex toy stores to card anyone/turn anyone away. Maybe some of them do, but plenty of my female friends in high school got toys at our local shop (not having credit cards to order online, or having joint bank accounts with parents who check the expenditures). Of course, I can see how walking into a sex toy store might be terrifying for a teenage girl (or boy, genderqueer person, intersexed person, etc.), making the internet quite appealing if one has the credit/debit card or Paypal account or checking account (for those places that take WebChecks) to use it for purchases. Non-sex-phobic parents/older siblings/cool anuts/uncles/older friends/etc. are also good for buying sex toys. Are the fundies REALLY that shocked?
I’ve never seen anything to suggest that the Christian Bible forbids female masturbation (and the Onan story forbidding male masturbation is a stretch too, as it’s not actually about masturbation, it’s about coitus interruptus); why do these people hate orgasms so much? Intense pleasure (without any of the nasty side effects of drugs) seems like an odd thing to oppose. Solo-sex doesn’t even have risks that can’t be minimized or outright eliminated (wash hands/toys to prevent infection, and ideally use condoms on toys; use lube and don’t go at it continuously for hours to prevent chafing; don’t insert dangerous/breakable objects into your body).
@#8 – and many guys are not threatened by vibrators. No matter how good my cock is, it will never be that long, it will never stay hard indefinitely, and it will never vibrate. I’m OK with all of that.
I would have thought that the part of a man that that was threatened by a vibrator would be his tongue, not his cock.
If we’re going to talk about pure penetrative enjoyment, really, it’s no content — cock wins every time. It may not stay as hard as long, but a live, excited man is *light-years* fun than any piece of stiff silicone.
There are a couple of pages in the Lilian Vernon catalog that has more than one or two sex aids – totally shocked me when I found it, since I thought it was generally directed toward the “senior plus” crowd.
ah, come on – you can buy vibrators at WalMart!! No sex shop needed.
My boyfriends is definately not threatened by vibrators. Hell he likes to use it on me more than I like to use it on myself. I’ve used it more often with him than without, and don’t usually think about it until he’s already down there and says “hey baby, where’s the toy I got ya?” I even lost my “good one”.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, so you might as well just be a coke-snorting porn star as far as the conservatives are concerned. Because owning a vibrator is no different to these people than having a gang bang on film. If you aren’t allowed to have sex before marriage, then what the hell are you supposed to do to get off instead? What if a guy said his right hand was his best friend? Would one stupid comment also ruin his life? No. Of course not. Because it’s only female sexuality that gets villified. It’s completely sexist and backwards to think that talking about your vibrator will ruin your life. Guess what? My vibrator and me are good friends, too. There. I said it. I just came out and said it. I like my vibrator. Lots and lots and lots of women like their vibrators. And? What’s the big fucking deal?
@35: Typo-land! Content = contest. Fun = more fun. Sigh.
My BF isn’t threatened by vibrators either. He does prefer it when I involve him though.
“There are no quotes—in the interest of fairness and balance—from anyone who doesn’t see vibrators as battery-operated tools of the devil.”
Okay, so I have an idea, how about Jesus shaped vibrators and/or dildos? Yeah, some may think it sacrilegious but others may see it in a more transubtantive way allowing God to enter them, literally. Anyone know if there’s already a line out there? If not, feel free to use the idea and capitalize.
A guy who’s seriously threatened by a vibrator in this day and age is either retarded, a Republican candidate, or both.
@41: I assure you, they already make them.
@34: They make ones that attach to your cock. And they’re awesome, trust me and go order one.
@18: Damn straight.
@15: Some of us do!
@5: Why does it matter again? Presumably both partners are cool with whatever gender is referred to or the writer of the letter would’ve mentioned it.
@41: You’ve been beaten to the punch.
http://www.divine-interventions.com/
@8 I hear that, sister. Across the boarder high five.
I hate guys like the last letter writer. What’s with always trying to even the score using tired generalizations? He hasn’t got a clue what’s in my bedstand or browser history, and I know my ass isn’t alone. It’s as cliche as, “We like fishing and you like shoe shopping.” Puh-leeeeease.
Thanks, Dan, for taking his bullshit letter as a cue to discuss something more relevant. Unless you want to be suspicious of every cucumber, elongate bottle, and *shudder* electric toothbrush in your home… get your kid a damned gift card and try not to think too hard about it.
TO ALL WOMEN USING TOYS and Lynx @ 24
Being a man, I am envious that women have all those orgasm-enhancing devices. And not only that, they’re not afraid to talk about it, have toys parties with their girlfriends, etc. I can only wish that men would also feel free to talk with their male friends about masturbation techniques, etc.
And you know what? I enjoy watching my girl doing herself, sometimes also joining from the sidelines and wishing I had my own toy.
(for the entrepreneurs among us: how about inventing a male toy that is somewhat similar to that pumping sleeve they put on your arm to measure the blood pressure, equipped with a built-in rolling ring going up and down?).
Your observation about pornography is also shared by many men, and it is somewhat liberating to know you find gay porn exciting. It is no secret that many straight men find lesbian sex stimulating, and we are often put to shame about it. And I’m not talking about those featuring exploited drug addicts equipped with a Tijuana boob-jobs who scream for no apparent reason. There are actually some decent ones.
So before anyone jumps on me in defense of lesbians, though I never attacked them in the first place, I’d like to point that watching lesbian porn made me have a much stronger appetite for cunnilingus, as well as an inspiration to improve my technique.
“Opening our hearts and other relevant body parts to ours and our lovers’ kinks can make the world a much happier place to live in.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Regarding Jesus-shaped sex toys, check out Divine Interventions at http://www.divine-interventions.com/inde…
@44: It’s funny; I assumed VIBE was a woman.
@45: “And not only that, they’re not afraid to talk about it, have toys parties with their girlfriends, etc.”
No, that’s not necessarily true. While I wouldn’t kill the conversation if it happened, I have zero interest in what my friends do masturbation-wise. Just not interested in that part of their lives. Frankly, I think *most* — not all — of the toy parties are populated by women who can’t treat their sexuality like an everyday thing. It grew out of Tupperware parties, for crying out loud.
How about strap-on parties? No?
“Being a man, I am envious that women have all those orgasm-enhancing devices.”
See: cock rings, anal beads, or a Fleshlight.
If I had not had a household object that vibrates about as well as a cheap vibrator keeping me sexually satisfied when I was a teen, I would have been out being promiscuous and getting STIs and maybe even having abortions. But thankfully, I had a household object that vibrated until I turned 18 and could upgrade, and I remained free of STIs, unplanned pregnancies, and regrettable sex partners.
You can’t have it both ways. They’ve got to get off somehow. Do you want them having premarital sex or using a vibrator? It’s not a difficult choice.
@48
Though, I’ve seen studies that say that women are more in-depth when they discuss their sexual experiences. Guys are more likely to say “yeah, I banged her” or even be proud of his supposed conquests, women are more likely to discuss specifics.
Not being judgmental, just saying.
Cock rings, in my experience, don’t actually aid in pleasure-seeking solo. 90% of the time I’ve used them, it’s been for the benefit of my partner, and the other 10% it’s being done as a method of tease/denial play. I don’t know how it would help me to get off by myself.
Anal beads only appeal if you’re into pegging/anal play. For a guy who isn’t, they wouldn’t help him cum.
Fleshlights are the closest to an equitable sex toy, but even those are really only replicating one type of sensation. Though, wanking still works perfectly well.
The Vermont Country Store (catelog and online) caters to farm type women with big white underpants and flannel pajamas. They also carry a nice slection of vibrators.