Here’s my problem: I love women. The way they look, move, and sound. But the idea of actually interacting with women absolutely fucking terrifies me. I’m a virgin at 30. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes.

I cannot even imagine approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever even shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don’t want to risk some asshole cop busting me. Webcam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Got a piece of advice for me?

Awkward And Alone

I’ve actually got two pieces of advice for you, AAA.

First piece: Get your ass to a shrink—maybe a lady shrink—who can help you with your near-crippling sexual anxiety and maybe toss some meds your way.

Second piece: Hire a fucking sex worker, AAA—just don’t fuck her. Paid companionship is not a crime—there’s nothing illegal about paying an escort to escort you places. Rent a nice woman and have a nice conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops—asshole or otherwise—only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex, AAA, so don’t offer money for sex, or accept her offer to have money for sex, and you won’t get busted. And cops working undercover to bust johns don’t make follow-up appointments or build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once—or twice, to be extra safe—she’s not a cop.

Is everyone in the Republican Party a closeted homosexual?

Ken Mehlman’s Out Now

Everyone except Ken Mehlman and Ben Quayle.

I am a straight and, dare I say it, vanilla woman who met a straight man who somewhat reminds me of Clark Kent. He’s mild-mannered,
good-looking, an all-around great guy, just like Clark Kent—and just like Superman, he likes to wear tights. It ends up that he likes to be dominated, spanked, and buttfucked—and crossdress. Our sexual encounters are a bit different for me, to say the least, but I like spanking him, humiliating him, tying him up, and watching him try on panties (in which he looks darn good!). It’s all rather exciting!

Does this mean that I’m a dominatrix? Would I act this way with other men, or is it just him? And finally, where do I go from here?

Being Deviant Satisfies Me

A dominatrix? That’s a professional title, BDSM, and you’re not planning to pursue a career in kink. To determine if you’re genuinely and independently kinky and not just getting off on beating and binding the boyfriend because he gets off on it, you’ll just have to beat and bind someone else sometime. As for where you go from here, BDSM, if you’re in San Francisco or you can get there for a weekend, you might wanna sign up for Forte Femme, a weekend-long “sensual dominance intensive” hosted by kink superstar/supernova Midori. More info at www.fortefemme.com.

I’m a GGG 38-year-old single woman, longtime reader, first-time writer.

1. What is a cream pie?

2. Do you find it weird to be turned on by getting fondled up and aroused into sex while sleeping? I have a hard time communicating to partners that I want this! Can you give communication assistance so I don’t sound so freaky?

Freak In Phoenix

1. Google “cream pie.” The first three results are relevant; the fourth (“Banana Cream Pie: Recipe”) is not.

2. Your kink, FIP, barely moves the needle on my kink-o-meter. If you’re having a hard time communicating your interest in fondled-while-asleep sex, just memorize this: “I enjoy getting fondled up while sleeping.”

Poopnoodle. I heard this word for the first time today. I was told that a poopnoodle is what happens when you pee right after fucking someone hard in the ass. Poop gets stuck up in the dick hole and comes out in the form of a noodle when you piss. Is this something that actually happens, and if so, can you deem “poopnoodle” the official Savage Love term?

Couldn’t Think Of An Acronym That Spelled Out “Poopnoodle”

If what you describe had ever actually happened to anyone, anywhere, ever, “poopnoodle” could be the official Savage Love term for it. But the poopnoodle never actually happens.

If your middle-school friends don’t believe me, CTOAATSOP, here’s what you should do: Go get a couple tubs of premade chocolate frosting. Refrigerate until firm. Get your dicks hard. Fuck your tubs of premade frosting. Fuck them hard. Fuck them like they’ve been bad. Then go take a piss. You will not produce a chocolatefrostingnoodle. I promise you.

And think about it, CTOAATSOP: Butt-fuckers fuck butt until they come. Wouldn’t coming dislodge the poopnoodle?

Finally, some general advice for anyone out there who’s interested in anal but now, thanks to CTOAATSOP here, fears the poopnoodle: Wear a condom. A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV.

I am disturbd by naked pic bribing you admittd & encouraged in yr last column. It reveals yr favoritism & yr corruptd nature! You dont need critics to discredit yr “advice.” you done it yrslf. You are Mr Sanctimoney!

509

I am disturbd by yr splling.

But I cannot tell a lie: Enclosing a nude pic—good nude, bad nude, boy nude, girl nude—does get my attention. It won’t automatically get a letter into the column, however. I could run nothing but letters from readers who enclosed pics, week-in, week-out, 52 weeks a year. But the letter from the guy in his early 30s who lost his virginity that appeared in last week’s column—the dude who enclosed pics—was the first letter from a pic-encloser that I’ve used in ages. So cut me some slack.

That said, the odd pic or two—doesn’t even have to be you—brightens the day and lightens the workload. So pics are always welcome.

And if you don’t like it, 509, I suppose you could file charges with the professional body that governs my so-called profession… if there were a professional body that governed my so-called profession. But there isn’t, poopnoodle, so suck it, take pics, and send ’em in.

mail@savagelove.net

109 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. Sometimes being flippant and sarcastic can make it all fun while still conveying good info and/or advice, which each of these answers did, IMO.

  4. AAA’s letter made me wonder:

    If an undercover cop, posing as an escort, is hired and no sex is involved, where does the money end up going? Does the undercover cop get to keep it? Does it go back to the person who paid it? To the police coffers? The escort agency?

  5. i LOVED the response to poopnoodle boy; i sent it to my mom and sis! and i enjoyed further use of the term “poopnoodle” in the next letter, too – i liked the column 🙂

  6. i think i’m still gonna call people poopnoodles, despite their being a terrible myth. im in an arts program, poopnoodles are thick on the ground

  7. @5, my brother is a cop in statewide drug enforcement (btw, he thinks pot should be legal and taxed), and when they seize money they use it to fund the force. I imagine it’s the same thing with escort money.

  10. zomfg- 12th!

    poopnoodle- i do not underatnd you dumbshit kids these days

    AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.

    FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you’ll have a gang-fondle in no time flat

    fondling- ooh yeah!

  11. zomfg- 12th!

    poopnoodle- i do not understand you dumbshit kids these days

    AAA- do you have normal conversations with guys? could be you are gay. test the theory, embrace homosexuality just for a bit, it might be the right fit for you.

    FIP- go to a frat party, find a bed, have a nap. you’ll have a gang-fondle in no time flat

    fondling- ooh yeah!

  12. I would also advise AAA to try talking to women he’s NOT attracted to. Make some female friends. They won’t turn into dates, but that’s not the point. First of all, if he’s not attracted to her he’ll have less reason to be anxious so it’s a way to practice whatever little social skills he does have. Also, he needs to learn that women are people too. His new female friends might be able to give him some insights he can use later when he starts communicating with women he is attracted to.

  13. I like this style of column. Answering a ton of questions with short answers is better IMO than the three long replies you tend to do every week.

    Keep it up! The bing bang boom style will keep me coming back 🙂

  17. I just fondled my wife while she was sleeping and got kicked out of bed with a growl. Now I’m on the computer, what a coincedence! I posted at 4:50 am. mtn. When did people have time to make 17 entries?

  18. God, I really wish I could remember to not read Dan’s column during breakfast. That’s two poopnoodle-induced gags in my coffee this week!

  20. I am supposed to be finishing my novella this morning and instead I keep laughing and telling my dog to fear the poopnoodle.

    Fear it! Fear the poopnoodle!

    Now I gotta figure out how to work fucking a tub of frosting into said novella.

  21. quote from @9 – “@5, my brother is a cop in statewide drug enforcement….when they seize money they use it to fund the force.”

    This is one of the main reasons why pot remains illegal.

  22. FIP: better yet, search Google videos for creampie. Or for even more fun, add “gangbang” or “multiple”. I want 4ths!

    Also, I can think of nothing hotter than fondling someone out of slumber. Say it out loud & odds are your SO will be thrilled to have a green light.

    Finally: A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV…brilliant!

  23. #2: you’re right in that the letters this week are inane, but wrong in saying that that’s unusual

    however, #19’s comment did make me LOL.

  24. As a 30-year-old virgin myself, the advice to hire a sex worker isn’t very helpful. Men want to feel desired too; there’s nothing lamer than having an attractive woman flirt with you, and then finding out that she was just interested in your money, or free drinks, or scaring off some other guy, or getting you to fix her computer. How is it going to build self-confidence to know that once his $500 are up, she’s going to ditch him and forget he exists?

    Dan’s advice about seeing a shrink, sadly, is probably correct – although there’s a limit to what medications can do in place of self-confidence. Otherwise, I think @14 has it right; AAA needs to do this the hard way. I’ve found it much easier to ask for dating advice from female friends; just make sure they’re not going to gossip to all of their friends about the 30-year-old virgin they know.

  25. The last guy who said to me as a blanket statement, “I love women,” turned out to be a raging horndog whose only interest in me was as a cum sponge. AAA doesn’t seem predatory but he’s equally out of touch with women as human beings rather than as (unobtainable) objects of desire. Yes, he should try being FRIENDS with a woman, or just having some friends, period. Maybe he should try to BE a good friend to someone instead of thinking only about himself and his shyness.

    I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.

  26. Even the most fervent Dan supporters among us would have to admit, whether intended or a happy consequence of poor spelling, “Mr Sanctimoney” is a pretty damn humorous sobriquet for Mr. Snarkage.

  27. @19: My spouse did it gently, without waking me and I had the most erotic dreams!
    Then, this morning, the morning wood did not go to waste!

  28. I think that’s really hot, Clark Kent/Superman opening himself up like that to share in some risque’ things with him..

    Are you a “dominatrix” as such?
    No.
    You’re just one guy’s dream come true apparently 😉 (Well done, and enjoy your adventurous action together!)

  29. AAA: even if you have no intention (for whatever reason) of losing your virginity to a sex worker, going out with one a few times might be very useful (particularly if you *are* an Aspie–that is, someone with some degree of Asperger’s or a similar disorder) as, essentially, a practice date.

    The same might hold true (probably for less money) if you have a no-possibility-of-going-anywhere female friend (lesbian, happily married, whatever). Aspies in particular can be freaked out or upset by a completely “new” situation, so a low-pressure dress rehearsal, especially with someone willing to (gently) critique you afterward, can be invaluable.

    Also, when you do feel ready for the real thing, you might try dating someone of a geekish persuasion. Even if she is not herself an Aspie, she’s probably used to dealing with them (there is a significant overlap between sets), so she’s less likely to be upset or freak out or otherwise reject you if you’re a little awkward. Standard be-an-interesting-person advice applies, of course, but geeks often have somewhat different standards of “interesting”, too.

  30. AAA:
    You have to start by having conversations with women. This is NOT just a sex thing. This is a life thing. This could be a career thing. You’ve got to be able to talk to women because they’re half the world.

    Before you look into paying an escort, I’d actually try having conversations with women. Not picking up girls — talk to your co-workers. Talk to your friends’ girlfriends.

    (If indeed it’s “talking to women” that’s your problem. From your letter I wasn’t sure if you were exaggerating and you just freeze up when you see a woman you might be interested in. If it’s that, then I guess do what I did — screw up your courage, say some ridiculous thing, learn to do better next time. I actually asked the same guy out three times and the third time was the start of an incredible relationship. So mistakes really are the portals of discovery.)

  31. One of my ex-boyfriends was big on the “alarm cock” wakeup, as we used to call it. Great way to start the day, refreshed and ready for work with a blush on the cheeks and sparkle in the eye.

    But not once have I ever considered that anything but vanilla. I always thought it was sort of de rigueur – whoever woke up first got the party rolling.

  32. to #5

    Police stings don’t work that way. The person responding to an ad for an escort (be it on CL, BackPage, etc.) is arrested generally upon arrival at the meeting location, as the ads are generally explicit enough that LE can charge you for even responding to the ad in person.

    Stings involving street prostitutes work differently, in that the undercover police officer will absolutely not get in the John’s vehicle, ever. Generally they obtain PC by repeatedly asking you “What do you want to do?” and “How much do you have?”.

  33. Don’t worry, Dan, I promise not to send any nudie pix of my 46-year-old female body. I realize that is a very specialized taste that is worlds away from your palate!

  34. Ok, that poopnoodle thing was the most ridiculous craziness, ever – how could anyone even think that could happen?? Omg. Like, how dumb do you have to be?? I’m positive that Dan only ran that inane letter to call the dumb-speller “poopnoodle,” which of course, I’m totally going to use, now. Excellent.

  35. I think “poopnoodle” should be the term for someone like Ken Mehlman — a turd that comes out long after he’s already fucked people over.

  36. Ask working ladies for private dances and nude modeling first. No cop is going to do this to entice an offer of sexual capitalism, but a sex worker will jump at the easy money.

  38. To AAA

    If you wish to seek out a escort, Get a membership in a escort review board that reviews escorts. And pick one that has great reviews and a proven and reasonably long track record. It’s well worth the $50 bucks or so to sign up.
    Escorts that have proven track records are definityly not cops and are great providers, pleasant fun and give great sex

  41. This has got to be the most disappointing Savage Love in ages. I read it aloud to my girlfriend every week. We look forward to it. I felt stupid reading these letters and responses aloud.

  42. As far as the cream pie question, I googled it just for shits and giggles.

    The fourth result I got was hilarious:

    “Overbeating may cause cream pie to separate‎”

    *snicker*

  45. Agree with most of the responses to AAA. Guys who profess to ‘love women’ (as what, a sepcies? All of them?) are usually as big a red flag as self-professed ‘nice guys,’ but AAA doesn’t come across as an asshole. Still, like someone smarter than me once said, a pedestal is as confining as a prison cell. Dude needs to talk to women without an end goal. Hell, just chatting with women online (not sex chats, platonic chatrooms) would be more realistic than web cams.

  46. @10 There are Aspies in my family and I’ve read a lot about it, and I’ve worked with Autistic kids, and I have ADHD (which is on the Autism spectrum too).

    This guy does not sound like he’s got Aspergers at all, particularly since it’s only women that he’s anxious about. He doesn’t say any of the stuff that makes Aspergers special (such as he can’t figure out how to identify what emotions other people are feeling). His complaint is not that he can’t understand people, it’s that he’s terrified to be in the same room as women.

    There’s nothing in this letter to indicate Aspergers. It sounds more like a whole lot of anxiety, which is severely impacting his life, and is certainly cause to go see a shrink.

  47. About AAA: I have a friend who told me he suffers from “love shyness”, a term coined by psychologist Brian G. Gilmartin (info on Wikipedia & his website); he’s a 30 year old virgin like AAA. His mother was very anxious her whole life… anyway,
    he’s been seeing a therapist and recently learned a simple meditation, both of which help, especially with confidence. I have hopes he will emerge from this a happy, loving sexual being. Recommending therapy, Dan, is right on; “practice-dating” a sexworker is also a great idea.

  48. @48, I didn’t diagnose AAA as an Aspie – I encouraged him to take the test. I have no idea if he’s Aspie or not – hence the advice about, ya know, taking the test.

    While his “complaint” only addressed his problem with women, he is writing to a sex advice columnist – for advice about sex. I’m guessing most people who write to Dan wouldn’t be asking for advice about stimming, meltdowns, problems managing eye contact, etc., so I wouldn’t expect to see that level of detail in a question to Dan.

    Look, if you’d like to read a ton of posts that sound astonishingly similar to AAAs, take a swing by the Wrong Planet website (online community for people on the spectrum). The “Love and Dating” forum is crammed with them.

  49. @16, thanks.

    @49, up to 40% of men diagnosed as “love shy” actually have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have no idea about your friend, or about his therapist’s level of knowledge on the subject. I’d encourage him to take the test. Depending on his AQ, he may want to get himself to a teaching hospital for an accurate diagnosis. Good luck.

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