Here’s my problem: I love women. The way they look, move, and sound. But the idea of actually interacting with women absolutely fucking terrifies me. I’m a virgin at 30. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes.

I cannot even imagine approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever even shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don’t want to risk some asshole cop busting me. Webcam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Got a piece of advice for me?

Awkward And Alone

I’ve actually got two pieces of advice for you, AAA.

First piece: Get your ass to a shrink—maybe a lady shrink—who can help you with your near-crippling sexual anxiety and maybe toss some meds your way.

Second piece: Hire a fucking sex worker, AAA—just don’t fuck her. Paid companionship is not a crime—there’s nothing illegal about paying an escort to escort you places. Rent a nice woman and have a nice conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops—asshole or otherwise—only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex, AAA, so don’t offer money for sex, or accept her offer to have money for sex, and you won’t get busted. And cops working undercover to bust johns don’t make follow-up appointments or build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once—or twice, to be extra safe—she’s not a cop.

Is everyone in the Republican Party a closeted homosexual?

Ken Mehlman’s Out Now

Everyone except Ken Mehlman and Ben Quayle.

I am a straight and, dare I say it, vanilla woman who met a straight man who somewhat reminds me of Clark Kent. He’s mild-mannered,
good-looking, an all-around great guy, just like Clark Kent—and just like Superman, he likes to wear tights. It ends up that he likes to be dominated, spanked, and buttfucked—and crossdress. Our sexual encounters are a bit different for me, to say the least, but I like spanking him, humiliating him, tying him up, and watching him try on panties (in which he looks darn good!). It’s all rather exciting!

Does this mean that I’m a dominatrix? Would I act this way with other men, or is it just him? And finally, where do I go from here?

Being Deviant Satisfies Me

A dominatrix? That’s a professional title, BDSM, and you’re not planning to pursue a career in kink. To determine if you’re genuinely and independently kinky and not just getting off on beating and binding the boyfriend because he gets off on it, you’ll just have to beat and bind someone else sometime. As for where you go from here, BDSM, if you’re in San Francisco or you can get there for a weekend, you might wanna sign up for Forte Femme, a weekend-long “sensual dominance intensive” hosted by kink superstar/supernova Midori. More info at www.fortefemme.com.

I’m a GGG 38-year-old single woman, longtime reader, first-time writer.

1. What is a cream pie?

2. Do you find it weird to be turned on by getting fondled up and aroused into sex while sleeping? I have a hard time communicating to partners that I want this! Can you give communication assistance so I don’t sound so freaky?

Freak In Phoenix

1. Google “cream pie.” The first three results are relevant; the fourth (“Banana Cream Pie: Recipe”) is not.

2. Your kink, FIP, barely moves the needle on my kink-o-meter. If you’re having a hard time communicating your interest in fondled-while-asleep sex, just memorize this: “I enjoy getting fondled up while sleeping.”

Poopnoodle. I heard this word for the first time today. I was told that a poopnoodle is what happens when you pee right after fucking someone hard in the ass. Poop gets stuck up in the dick hole and comes out in the form of a noodle when you piss. Is this something that actually happens, and if so, can you deem “poopnoodle” the official Savage Love term?

Couldn’t Think Of An Acronym That Spelled Out “Poopnoodle”

If what you describe had ever actually happened to anyone, anywhere, ever, “poopnoodle” could be the official Savage Love term for it. But the poopnoodle never actually happens.

If your middle-school friends don’t believe me, CTOAATSOP, here’s what you should do: Go get a couple tubs of premade chocolate frosting. Refrigerate until firm. Get your dicks hard. Fuck your tubs of premade frosting. Fuck them hard. Fuck them like they’ve been bad. Then go take a piss. You will not produce a chocolatefrostingnoodle. I promise you.

And think about it, CTOAATSOP: Butt-fuckers fuck butt until they come. Wouldn’t coming dislodge the poopnoodle?

Finally, some general advice for anyone out there who’s interested in anal but now, thanks to CTOAATSOP here, fears the poopnoodle: Wear a condom. A condom can protect you from the fictional poopnoodle and the actual HIV.

I am disturbd by naked pic bribing you admittd & encouraged in yr last column. It reveals yr favoritism & yr corruptd nature! You dont need critics to discredit yr “advice.” you done it yrslf. You are Mr Sanctimoney!

509

I am disturbd by yr splling.

But I cannot tell a lie: Enclosing a nude pic—good nude, bad nude, boy nude, girl nude—does get my attention. It won’t automatically get a letter into the column, however. I could run nothing but letters from readers who enclosed pics, week-in, week-out, 52 weeks a year. But the letter from the guy in his early 30s who lost his virginity that appeared in last week’s column—the dude who enclosed pics—was the first letter from a pic-encloser that I’ve used in ages. So cut me some slack.

That said, the odd pic or two—doesn’t even have to be you—brightens the day and lightens the workload. So pics are always welcome.

And if you don’t like it, 509, I suppose you could file charges with the professional body that governs my so-called profession… if there were a professional body that governed my so-called profession. But there isn’t, poopnoodle, so suck it, take pics, and send ’em in.

mail@savagelove.net

109 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. I’m sure Dan’s advice to AAA is pretty good, but unfortunately it only applies to people with the disposable income to spend on shrinks and/or hookers.

  2. I used to date a woman with the same kink as FIP, at least I think I did, as she never never actually admitted it directly. It’s just that early in the relationship she told me something along the lines of “Look, I prefer to sleep in, so if you wake up horny and I’m sleeping on my side, feel free to just lube up and help yourself as long as you can do so without waking me up.”

  3. #27, I read that as an attempt to cut off responses pinning his shyness on being gay or hating women.

    #33, this is so off topic but Amy Tan’s Hundred Secret Senses employed the alarm cock phrase too and I have loved it ever since then. I haven’t read any of her books since high school… thanks for bringing her to mind. x)

  4. Hey awkward and alone, here’s the scoop: you are a raging sexist. You act as though women are somehow different from men. They are, of course, they have tits and you don’t, etc.

    But conversationally? They have minds, just like yours. Well, not like yours. Better than yours. Yours is full of stupid thoughts like “I can’t talk to women”.

  5. @56 Wow! Great, measured, sympathetic response! Thank goodness women are just like men, and AAA doesn’t have to worry about any of them biting his head off when he tries to talk to them. Men who feel they can’t talk to women don’t feel that way (I’d imagine) because they are sexist pigs, they feel that way because they are scared, socially nervous, and insecure. Your raging comment just confirmed AAA’s belief that he can’t do this. Way to go! Consider a career in counseling, or perhaps parenthood!

  6. #52, absolutely. Even if you’re fluid bonded with a monogamous partner and don’t use condoms, taking a piss after anal sex is a good idea, to dislodge any tiny particles of shit that might have gotten stuck up there. Of course, if you’re having unprotected anal sex with casual partners or strangers, painful urination could end up being the least of your worries.

  7. Oh man, AAA is a little too close to home, except that I’m 30 and female and, thanks to a healthy case of social anxiety, I am fucking intimidated by guys. It’s not that I think men are different or dangerous or in any way bad…I can’t explain it. I love them, I want them (DESPERATELY!) but I can’t get past the fear! I’ve managed to make a few platonic male friends at least, but that’s as far as it ever gets. AAA, I feel your pain!

  9. don’t need no one to tell me its okay
    really wouldn’t have it any other way
    but when i first saw u couldn’t hide my attraction,
    girl u look like u can make my dreams come true
    cuz what we share in secret glances and makes me wonder bout a brand new world with u
    and why does the time crawl by
    when i’m waiting waiting
    for this lifetime of mine
    to turn around

  10. Awkward and Alone doesn’t love “women.” Not as people. He loves the way they “look, move, and sound”–ie, he likes them as sensory (and sensual) objects. Dude needs to realize that women are people, and learn to engage them as individuals rather than representatives of some idealized notion of sexual attractiveness.

    He still needs to see a shrink prolly, since that isn’t as easy as saying “dude, snap out of it and just treat “women” as “people.””

    But yes. I wonder if he has the same difficulties talking to women he does not find attractive, or if he ever even attempts to talk to women he doesn’t find attractive.

  11. #57, comment #56 is probably a lot less aggressive than you think. It could read like a casual observation: the root of the guy’s problem is a sexist inability to perceive women as regular people. Is this malicious, angry, lady-hating sexism? No, but as Avenue Q taught us Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist so just sub “sexist” in there and go with it, knowing we all have biases and we need to acknowledge them to overcome them.

    Women are unquestionably different from men in terms of our cultural context. Because the sexes are treated differently by society and fiction tends to reduce women to objects and caricatures, I can see how somebody without any close female figures in his life would be incapable of understanding that ladies are pretty chill and normal on the balance.

    Remember, this isn’t just social anxiety or general shyness: “I’ve never even had a conversation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes” is completely beyond the pale.

  12. Definition of poopnoodle: A frat boy who sits around with other frat boys thinking of stupid/painful/degrading/dangerous/inane sexual acts (see: shocker, donkey punch) or ridiculous consequences of sex acts (see: poopnoodle) that they deem to be any of the above that they image gay men perform with each other or that he thinks would be ‘hilarious’ to surprise a woman with in middle of sex.

  14. @63 – “#57, comment #56 is probably a lot less aggressive than you think.”

    I’d say it’s more aggressive than _you_ think. Do you really think that trying to scold and berate people out of their genuinely felt phobias is an effective technique? Because that’s what that post is doing. You might as well tell a depressed person “Just cheer the fuck up already, you whiner; lots of people have it worse than you.”

  15. AAA, meet some damned women! Join a mixed softball league or go to the book club at the library or something, anything, that has you talking to and with women – all kinds of women, not just ones you find attractive. Aim to make at least one third of your conversations in any given week with women, and no fair counting ordering your cheeseburger. Right now you can’t see the trees for the forest.

  16. Great. Now how many months is it gonna take before Dan gets a letter from a man who can’t come except with a tub of chocolate frosting?

  17. I was very similar to AAA. I was a 34 year old virgin (not by choice) and only had a couple of first dates in my 34 years. I could talk to women but could not shift gears to dating talk. I would get incredibly nervous if I tried to shift gears, so I just quit. BTW, I am a fairly good looking guy. I thought I would never have sex and never get married. Then I met my future wife who was very aggressive. We have a great life and great conversations (and great sex).

  20. @48 yes no Aspi.

    AAA sounds a bit like me in my 30s. I was partly “cured” by just repeatedly diving into that freezing pool, no matter how painful.

    The shrink method certainly works: years later during other therapy I could see my original problem: my dating awkwardness wasn’t shyness at all. It was actually complicated …but mostly huge buried anger over childhood abuse issues. Vy do you hate your mutter? Bingo.

  22. @37 – “I think “poopnoodle” should be the term for someone like Ken Mehlman — a turd that comes out long after he’s already fucked people over.”

    Best definition ever – make it official, Dan!

  24. @48 ADHD is NOT on the autism spectrum….

    It’s an entirely different condition.

    And the LW could indeed have Asperger Syndrome, though based off of what he wrote, nobody could tell he does —- or doesn’t.

  28. AAA – an additional piece of advice for when you hire that escort…DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH HER. A lot of awkward guys have a tendency to fall “in love” with the first woman who ever makes prolonged eye contact with them rather than really intelligently evaluating the nature of each relationship in terms of intimacy, interest, compatibility, etc., as they would if they were able to have contact with women on a regular, casual basis.

  30. “The ADHD Autism Connection, A Step Toward More Accurate Diagnosis and Effective Treatment” by Diane M. Kennedy

    Obviously, the existence of the book does not equal fact… it’s still in hypothesis stage…

    She does make a compelling case, though.

  31. This notion that a man who’s uncomfortable talking to women must be a raging sexist pig, who believes that women are a separate species, is absolutely ridiculous.

    A man doesn’t have to believe women are “different” from men in any significant way to be nervous about talking to women, but not nervous about talking to men. Because when a man talks to men, unless he’s in a gay bar, he isn’t going to be perceived as trying to pick them up. The same is true with women talking to men.

    Approaching someone in a “romantic” way, which is what the letter-writer wants to do, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way. And approaching someone in a friendly way, when you believe that they might interpret your approach as a come-on, is completely different than approaching someone in a friendly way without having that fear.

    I’m a gay man, and I feel very different about striking up a conversation with a man in a non-gay environment (ie, somewhere that isn’t a gay bar, a pride parade, a party thrown by a gay friend with mostly gay people in attendance) than I do about striking up a conversation with a woman in the same environment. I find there’s often a difference in how you’re perceived in those situations.

    One last thing – if you know nothing about social anxiety, or fear of romantic rejection, please refrain from giving advice to someone with these problems. Saying to the letter-writer, “Just talk to lots of women and you won’t be bothered by it anymore,” is sort of like saying to an alcoholic, “Just cut yourself off after you’ve had a few drinks, and you won’t lose control.”

  32. im a 19 years old girl ….em looking fa date….but not straight date…..gay date….n its n ot just to hab sex n fun….fa da seek of friendship……….holla me bak nebody intrested…

  35. I can’t believe that you even answered the poopnoodle guy. Whoa. I mean just… whoa. We NEED four years of sex ed in high school or something.

  37. OK I googled Cream Pie [tho I know what it is]. Does Wikipedia really need a visual to show what it is? There must be some funny dudes working there.

  39. SpaceGirl

    ADHD is NOT on the Autism spectrum. Read the DSM-IV, will you?
    Or at least find a cited psychatric/pychological link to back up that claim.

  40. @BDSM
    Your letter sounds just like me, except that instead of reminding me of Clark Kent, my Bend Over Boyfriend looks like George Bush (except a very hot version).
    When we broke up briefly I discovered that I was no longer vanilla but was not necessarily his kind of kinky. I was attracted to Tantra (sacred sexuality) and when we got back together I turned HIM onto it. Now half the time we play his games and half the time mine. We both think this has enhanced our sex lives.

  41. Awkward, you unfortunately did not discuss your relationship with other men. Do you have good friends? If you do, that’s good! You know how to build relationships with humans. ‘Cause us girls, you know, we’re humans first and girls second. If you don’t believe me, go look at boy and girl babies – they’re a lot more alike than they are different.

    I’m going to add to Dan’s sex worker advice. You don’t need a girlfriend right now. What you need to do is make some female friends. Stop looking at all of them as girlfriends you can’t have! Just talk to them. Join some clubs, if you have some introverted type interests, you need to do that type of stuff and if you’re a geek, then meet some geeky people, some of whom will be girls. Make female friends you trust who will tell you then forgive you if you make conversational blunders and get used to talking to them. THEN you can test drive a date!

    I definitely agree with Dan on the therapist thing. I’m sorry to snap judge, but you appear to have placed females on a Goddess pedastal, but perhaps a vengeful Goddess. Why does talking to us terrify you? What are we going to do to you? Have you ever seen a girl suddenly grab a weapon out of her purse and shoot a male who dared speak to her? I don’t mean to be flip, but your fears may not be, to put it delicately, based in current reality. Talking about it may help you see that and dispel them.

  42. I was just thinking that “poopnoodle” should be the term for any sexual act/behavior/result that is rumored to be true but actually isn’t.

  44. I though #37’s suggested definition for “poopnoodle” was brilliant, but #95’s is good too. Life is so full of hard decisions…

    Although, I suspect those human turds that come out only after already making a political career out of demonizing (or being complicit with demonizing) the LGBT community will just come to be known as “Mehlmans.” (Or maybe just “Republicans”). Except for the ones who never come out. Those will be known as “larrycraigs.”

  45. AAA: If you aren’t exaggerating about not having had any conversations with women, you need a lot of help. Add me to the people who think you don’t “love women”, you just love women’s bodies. Which is a turnoff for a lot of women.

    I like Dan’s advice, but I also want to urge you to get used to talking to women in non-sexual situations. Try to get friendly with married/happily partnered women you don’t find particularly attractive. Or lesbians. Or nuns. If it’s clear to both of you that nothing romantic is going on, it will be easier to talk to them. Join a book club where you have to talk to women. Or take dance lessons where you have to touch them. Try to get used to thinking about the person inside that body. Then, after you’ve seen the shrink and the hooker, you will be much better positioned to meet women whose bodies turn you on, because you will be able to see both the body and the person. Trust me, it will make you much more interesting and desirable to women.

    (My oh-so-proper widowed grandmother used to hire male escorts to escort her. She wanted someone to drive her to the theater, and to walk with her on the sidewalk, so she felt safe. She wanted male companionship that DIDN’T come with sexual demands. I’m certain she didn’t break any prostitution laws or run much risk of getting busted.)

    FIP: I love “middle of the night” sex. I’m not as tired as I am when I go to bed, and there’s no deadline re catching a train or generally getting going for the day. It never occurred to me that it’s “kinky”, and I can’t imagine that your partner will be freaked out by the kinkiness of it. Try telling him/her that if he’s ever horny in the middle of the night, you’d love to be awakened by his caress. (Of course, if he sleeps like a log, you may just be out of luck.)

  47. Is it just me or does anyone else think that its possible for AAA’s issues to get even more warped if he’s going to be getting his practice hanging out with escorts? First off, how would he even find a good one that meets his requirements? Seriously, therapist first – and with their blessing, go join some sports teams, volunteer, just get out there and do stuff thats fun. First and foremost make friends that are just friends.

  48. Some of you should clearly be ashamed of yourselves.

    Somebody with a serious problem confesses it here and either get’s a ‘get over yourself’, a ‘you’re weird’, a ‘you’re probably gay’ or is even accused of being sexist and his sexism being the cause of why he doesn’t talk to women? Come on.

    A little bit more empathy would suit some of you and to the person accusing AAA of basically being a sexist pig: if in your world even guys who never had sex in their entire life and don’t even talk to women are sexist (for what? for basically never bothering a single female out there?) you should reexamine your own belief system.

    From my personal experience many people that suffer from that kind of crippling social anxiety really suffer from Aspergers, ADD or other disorders from the Autism spectrum and the depression and social anxiety are usually comorbidities of those disorders.

    Not having sexual or even normal personal relationships is really not that unusual with that kind of disorders. From personal experience I know a lot of people – me being among them – who are basically not that much different from AAA but usually don’t talk about it even with their closest friends for fear of exactly the reactions shown in this thread.

    I’d suggest to go to a therapist but to one who as a real understanding and knowledge about Aspergers, ADD and other disorders. It doesn’t mean you suffer from something like that but it spares you sinking more than five years in useless therapy – like I did – just because your therapist hasn’t even heard about those disorders and their symptoms.

    If you suffer from more than ‘social anxiety’, therapy alone will probably not help but has to be supported by medication to be effective.

  49. And to those of you with all of that “vengeful goddess” and “pedestal” suggestions, it’s not even close to that.

    You could compare it more to someone suffering from a phobia. Someone who has a fear of flying doesn’t think “I am not worthy of traveling with this divine machines” either. Relating and talking to unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations causes exactly the same kind of stress and panic as stepping into an elevator would for somebody that suffers from claustrophobia.

  50. @81: If you’d follow the publications closely you’d know that ADHD is considered by many experts to be an Autism spectrum disorder.

    There is strong evidence that this might be the case especially since the neurotransmitter deficiencies are similar in all of those disorders.

    Even some symptoms correlate: like the reduced ability of the brain to cope with external stimulus that leads to sensory overload, hypersensitivity and hyperfokus.

    Those symptoms are extremely pronounced in Autists, to the point that they have to shut out the external world completely in order to cope but ADD patients suffer from those symptoms albeit in a much milder form.

    I have seen ADD patients that completely freaked out because somebody touched them and the sensory overload caused by todays world usually makes them to seek solitude and seclusion, something that often gets labelled as ‘social anxiety’ but is actually at least similar to the symptoms caused by other disorders from the autism spectrum.

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