A few nights ago, I got drunk and knocked on my roommate’s door and confessed my attraction to him while he was lying in bed in nothing more than his skivvies. And then I asked him if I could sleep in his room because our other roommate—whose bedroom is directly above mine—was having sex so loudly that I couldn’t sleep. Which was true, but it clearly didn’t make the bed of the roommate I was drunkenly confessing to the appropriate alternative. Not being able to sleep on work nights is sometimes a real problem, but one to be addressed with her, not used as drunken fodder to get into someone else’s bed.

I feel pathetic and embarrassed for having thrown myself at my roommate and completely freaked out that I got wasted enough to do something I have daydreamed about but wouldn’t do sober. But much more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent, trashed my roommate’s boundaries, and was generally creepy—all characteristics of sexual assaulters.

I am biologically female, and if the situation were reversed, I would commit a huge double standard because I would back any woman who did not feel safe continuing to live with a dude who did what I did. I feel like I should be held accountable and move out immediately, though my housemate has told me he doesn’t feel threatened and that I should stay.

Help. I feel like a total piece of shit for having done this and can’t stop wondering…

Am I A Sexual Predator?

Calm the fuck down—and no more women’s studies classes for you, okay? I think you’ve had quite enough, and I’m cutting you off.

Look, AIASP, you didn’t assault anyone, you’re not a predator, you shouldn’t have to move out. You made a drunken, ill-advised-in-retrospect pass at a roommate. If that makes someone a “sexual predator,” AIASP, then we’d better build walls around our better universities and start calling ’em all penitentiaries.

As for that double standard: In light of your recent experience—you made a drunken pass at someone who wasn’t interested in you—you might want to revisit the assumptions you’ve made about men who make passes, drunken and otherwise, at women who aren’t interested in them. Making a pass is not grounds for eviction or conviction. It’s how a person makes a pass (did you pounce or did you ask?) and how a person reacts if the pass is rebuffed (did you graciously take no for an answer or were you a complete asshole about it?) that matters.

Of course, men’s passes at women—roommates and otherwise—exist in a context of male sexual violence. So it’s understandable that a woman might feel uncomfortable living with a dude who did what you did. But if the dude wasn’t a creep about it and graciously took no for an answer (if the answer was no), perhaps he should be judged as an individual and not as someone who bears responsibility for the collective crimes committed by members of his sex throughout history.

And even if you were an asshole about that no, AIASP, that still wouldn’t make you a sexual predator. You’re only a sexual predator—or guilty of sexual assault—if you refuse to take no for an answer and force yourself on someone. (Or if you go after someone who is incapable of granting consent.) You didn’t force yourself on anyone. All you’re guilty of, AIASP, is asking someone whom you wanted to fuck if he wanted to fuck you. It’s a legit question, and no one gets fucked without asking it.

And that simple question doesn’t magically become sexual assault or harassment when the answer is no.

My mistress wants to deny me the pleasure of regular food. We want to create a “slop” that I can eat four to five times daily that is highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible. Any ideas? Can you consult a nutritionist?

Seeking Slave Food

Are there any vegan restaurants in your area?

I’m a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I inhaled the scent while pleasuring myself, and now I can’t perform without it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and “accidentally” spilling syrup on them? I don’t think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice?

Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady

Look, ORGASM, the human brain is an inscrutable bag of slop, and you aren’t the only person out there whose brain saddled him with a seemingly random sexual fetish. But you shouldn’t view your fetish—assuming you’re not making this up—as “incapacitating.” You could be into things that were much worse and/or more complicated and/or literally impossible to realize. Nor should you blame yourself for your growing reliance on your kink. As we age (men particularly), we tend to lean more on those things—fantasies, fetishes, scenarios—that help us get there and get off.

Stop viewing your fetish as some sort of freakish ailment that disqualifies you from love and affection, ORGASM, and start viewing it for what it is: an endearing quirk and not too much to ask from a long-term partner. People in love and people in long-term relationships—two distinct groups with some significant overlap—like to say things like “I would walk through fire for him” or “I would take a bullet for her.” Well, all you’re asking is for a tiny bit of maple syrup dabbed behind the ears before sex. It’s not fire, it’s not a bullet, and it’s not too much to ask.

I am a heterosexual guy, married. My wife and I have lately been getting really interested in watching porn videos on my iPhone. I’m having a problem, however, finding sites with fresh, free stuff that will actually play streaming on the iPhone. Do you, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, or any of your readers have any site recommendations? The more the merrier!

Sent From The Savage Love App
For iPhone

I was under the impression—heard it from Steve Jobs himself—that the iPhone was designed to protect our wives from porn. And while I’m always coming to the defense of porn, I’m not a big consumer myself. (I only use my iPhone to make calls and play cribbage.) So I’m not aware of any iPhone-friendly straight-porn sites, SFTSLAFI. Readers? Any tips?

And speaking of porn: Sometimes it’s not enough to come to the defense of porn. Sometimes you have to sit down and make some porn yourself. And sometimes your homemade porn can win you large cash prizes. Info and details at www.humpseattle.com.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

218 replies on “Savage Love”

  3. Being vegan myself, I’m going to ignore Dan’s comment, but suggest a juicer. Smoothies, too, are awesome. Eat solid meals when the mistress isn’t around, though. Eating vegan meals wouldn’t hurt either.

  4. why not just drizzle a little over her the lick it off and inhale her and the syrups and her aroma all mixed into one happy new fetish
    good sex is usually hot and sticky

  5. Oh, ORGASAM, I hope you don’t ever lose your sense of smell! Please don’t smoke or snort anything up there or you’ll be up shit creek when you get older. Pray to god you don’t ever get radiation treatment or chemo, and be wary with some other medical treatments as well.

    Other than that, I’d say that sweet food + sex barely registers as kinky any more and I doubt many new partners would bat an eye at it — it’s on par with using a silk blindfold. After a few times, they’ll notice a pattern and you can ‘fess up and make light of it. Just make sure if you sleep with women that you don’t ever let any syrup get inside her pussy (she’ll get an infection) and you’re golden.

  6. Hey, ORGASM, have you tried to pick up chicks who work in maple syrup factories? You just need to move to Quebec or wherever. Or make up more interesting fetishes.

  7. If your partner isn’t cool with it and you can’t make a mess, just dab a bit under your nose (like over your lips). You’ll smell it the whole time and your partner will barely notice it. Plus there’s no sticky mess to clean up later.

  10. Vegan reader saaaad…

    :'(

    Beans, rice, and some sort of baby formula cooked into gruel would probably work.

    And I eat quite well, thank you very much.

    :p

  14. Wow, I normally don’t take offense at throwaway comments you make, Dan, but sheesh. Vegan eating isn’t bland and isn’t tasteless. Vegetables, when cooked properly (and when gotten *FRESH* from a GARDEN!!!), are absolutely delicious. There are plenty of foods that taste fine without meat or dairy (in fact, taste better for it). In fact, I’ve found I taste more subtleties in food since I’ve stopped eating meat. My mom’s been cooking vegan meals for nearly 15 meals, and they are restaurant quality and better. It’s this kind of throwaway comment that makes defending my lifestyle choice (vegetarian, technically, but still) so difficult. Since people assume that one can’t eat good non-meat food, I have to be doing it for some activist reason, and I’m NOT and can’t even ARGUE the position since it’s just taste preference.

  16. I am also angry that Dan Savage should dare direct a joke in my direction. I don’t want to be angry, it’s just obligatory these days, isn’t it? If you don’t get angry when someone makes a joke about your sex/sexual preference/colour/dietary preferance then you’re not a *real* man/furry/Asian/fruitarian. And I assure you I am real. I have a reflection in the mirror. Therefore I am angry. Bad Dan.

  17. Dan –

    I’m a long time reader (over 10 years!) and I usually think that your advice is spot-on. However, the vegan comment was uncalled for. While I agree that vegetarian restaurants used to produce nothing short of flavorless gruel (some 20 odd years ago), vegan food has made huge strides since then. I dare you to take your husband out for a nice meal at Millennium next time you’re in San Francisco 🙂

  19. Mix something up using Ensure or a similar drink. All the nutrients you need in a chalky, slightly-sickening liquid. Mix with whatever as needed if you want to make it grosser, but it’s a perfect base.

  23. I have to agree with the readers suggesting scented candles and meal-replacement drinks to those respective letters. I’m actually a bit surprised Dan didn’t think of either of those things.

    For the slop letter, I think the food replacement category is a great place to start. In addition to the Ensure and baby formula suggestions, stuff like Slim Fast and Boost would probably also work, provided it tastes as awful to you as it does to me. Maybe you could get creative and mash up some gross-tasting protein bars into it. If you’re making it in a blender, you could even grind in vitamin pills as needed, add some of those flavorless fruit/vegetable supplement pills, and you’d be good to go. I’m starting to imagine that white mash from The Matrix that supposedly contains “everything the body needs.”

    If all that stuff is too expensive, an alternative would be to google “superfoods” and get creative with your combinations. Because while most superfoods are pretty good independently, they sound mostly disgusting if imagined mashed together:
    http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/super…
    http://www.webmd.com/diet/guide/10-every…

  25. Dan’s advice to AIASP was absolutely spot on and had me yelling “that’s right! that’s right!” at my iBook. Except that it was sad to see the myth of domestic violence as a predominantly male crime. It isn’t.

  28. You know, Dan, vegans have nearly as poor a sense of humor as fat people and angry polys, right? And I’m saying this as a lifelong vegetarian, too, so it’s not like I’m a PETA-bashing, flesh burning, blood dripping carnivore either.

  29. ORGASM needs to look into cooking his lady friends some dishes with the herb/spice fenugreek, which will make them smell overpoweringly like maple syrup for days after consumption.

  30. For a flavorless mush that is also highly nutritious, I would suggest a gruel made from a complete grain such as quinoa. Just cook the living hell out of it till its nothing but a mush. You could use rice to the same effect, which is actually a dish called congee…But quinoa would have more nutritional value. Meal replacement shakes actually have flavors, which it seems you are to be denied as a slave, so they might only be used occaisionally in your case (as a means of reward perhaps)…

  31. Purveyors of fine pornography often transcode their videos to mpeg4 even if they don’t have a mobile interface. Kink, explicite-art, ishotmyself, beautiful agony, Abby winters, and even you porn are all viewable on the iPhone.

  32. Exactly, pitchfork wielding mob!

    Dan, often times the vegan or vegetarian dishes are as good or better than any other offering.

  33. oh stfu you silly vegans. I am vegan too and that line made me guffaw. way to perpetuate the stereotype of over-earnestness. grow up already.

  35. You can buy maple syrup scented fragrance/perfume oils as well. You could try wearing one yourself, ORGASM, or scent your pillows with one.

  36. Jesus Christ, would you whiney vegans just shut the fuck up and take a joke already?

    Plus, vegan food would make a good slave slop because meat goes rancid too quickly.

  37. Dan, deeply shocked by your comments to AIASP. Is it not accepted now that the only way to approach the slightest possibility of sexual contact is to get medical & psychometric tests done on both parties, prepare legally binding consent forms in triplicate & get them signed, and arrange for a panel of 3 independent witnesses who ensure that consent continues during the act? Shame on you.

    To AIASP, grow up a bit and learn; it’s his choice if he wants to speak out against your disgraceful harrassment. In case you missed out on your women’s studies, according to Robin Morgan, rape exists anytime intercourse takes place when it has not been initiated by the womon out of her own genuine affection and desire.

    Personally, I think your thoughts around whether you should move out are associated with wanting to stop the toe-curling squirming, so this is just self-justification with nominally noble and PC rationalisation.

    To ORGASM, I wonder if you want more choices, whether you could associate other smells/triggers. The way you could work this is to practice adding other stuff (e.g. vanilla) to the regular syrup smell. Then reduce the syrup till you’ve got a brand new – and possibly easier to arrange – trigger.

  38. Veganism should be classified as an eating disorder alongside anorexia. And vegans should be classified as bible-thumpers without the book or the sense of humor.

    Humans need animal proteins to stay healthy. Being a strict vegan means either being constantly ill or constantly taking dietary supplements. I’ve seen this in far too many people.

  39. Not too surprisingly, protein shows up in things besides meat. Peanut butter, chickpeas, soymilk, whole wheat bread, lentils, soy milk, nuts, etc.

    Meat just happens to be more convenient for most because it requires less preparation if you are into traditional meal.

    That aside, it was a joke people, lighten up for chrissakes.

  40. Yeah Dan! The difference is the context of living in a world of male sexual violence where women are more at risk of being the target than men are!! I can’t believe her women’s studies classes didn’t cover that! C’mon everyone, this was a stellar response, forget about the vegan thing, its not like he didn’t know exactly what kind of reaction it was going to provoke.

  41. Vegan answer FTW. Totally unsurprising that it pissed some off, the lack of nutrients to the brain damages the sense of humor (kidding! Don’t stab me with celery!!!).

    SFTSLAFI I don’t kow the iPhone but I know the iPod Touch. If you can freely upload music to your iPhone I’m guessing you can probably freely upload videos, in the proper format.

    So here’s what you do. You download porn onto your computer. You then slog (ejem) through a tutorial on how to convert the video. There are various pages out there that can explain the proper video formats and there is free video conversion software. Here are a few quick links:
    http://www.ilounge.com/index.php/article…
    http://www.lifespy.com/2007/windows-tip-…

    I hope you have a decent computer, because video conversion is a bit of a pain that tends to monopolize resources. When I was more into it I used to leave it going at night. Good luck!

  42. Vegans deserve to be ridiculed, this from a land scaper with a green house! I’ve often wondered if vegans taste good, and that’s not an oral sex reference. My wife was a vegetarian when we met and the first thing I asked her about it was you’re not one of those vegan people are you? She wasn’t and I tolerated vegetarian meals she was sweet enough to feed me. I wouldn’t want to live w/o enslaving holstein’s and guernsey’s and enjoying cheese! Hare Krishnas even eat cheese and other milk products too.

  43. Hilarious – the vegan high dudgeon is even better than the original joke. Great advice to AIASP.

    On a completely different note: I’m curious how many other posters have ever had success with reversing a trend of increasingly bad sexual chemistry with a partner? I’m engaged to someone and while it’s never been great, there was a bit of a spark at the beginning – enough to persuade me that we just needed to get to know each other’s bodies better. Instead, it’s gotten progressively worse and feels “tone deaf”. Yes, before you ask: I have tried to communicate about it, subtly at first and finally, much more directly.

    I’m about ready to break things off based on this alone – and truly, the rest seems pretty darn good. I have been in an LTR with bad sex before, and it didn’t get better. I feel like you’ve either got it or you don’t. I’m a considerate partner, and really try to get her off, but I am losing my own arousal and not getting off.

  45. 1) Answer to the first question was amazing! Excellent insight.

    2) The vegan comment sucked. Vegan food is more inventive/innovative by far, by necessity, and improving daily. BTW, I am a vegan, middle-aged, with a much better body than most teenagers or 20-girls — without trying.

    3) Interesting and funny that the vegan comment should stir up so much. But it’s the 1st time I’m commenting.

  46. ORGASM might want to investigate some of the more nichey ladies’ fragrances out there. Annick Goutal’s Sables has a very strong maple syrup note, which comes from the use of the immortelle flower. (It’s not to everybody’s taste, but it sure as hell smells like maple syrup.) You can search for other fragrances with that note in the database at http://www.basenotes.com. With a bit of luck, you might be able to satisfy your maple syrup craving *and* make yourself look thoughtful with a nice gift of perfume.

  47. Forget about debating the merits of vegan cuisine; let’s debate the merits of slavery as a relationship model. I mean, I enjoy being tied up, pissed on, and flogged as much as the next kinkster, but when someone blithely declares that their mistress has decided to switch them over to a diet of slave gruel . . . well, that raises a bit of a red flag for me.

  48. @45: “BTW, I am a vegan, middle-aged, with a much better body than most teenagers or 20-girls — without trying.”

    I think if you need to overhaul/manage your dietary habits in order to be in shape (as you’re implying), that counts as “trying.” Also, I’m sick of women equating “nice body” with “healthiness.” You can be as thin as a stick and be incredibly out of shape (as my mom still is and I once was … now I’m fat as well as out of shape).

    SSF: Congee? I love congee, but it can made terribly bland if need be.

Comments are closed.