A few nights ago, I got drunk and knocked on my roommate’s door and confessed my attraction to him while he was lying in bed in nothing more than his skivvies. And then I asked him if I could sleep in his room because our other roommate—whose bedroom is directly above mine—was having sex so loudly that I couldn’t sleep. Which was true, but it clearly didn’t make the bed of the roommate I was drunkenly confessing to the appropriate alternative. Not being able to sleep on work nights is sometimes a real problem, but one to be addressed with her, not used as drunken fodder to get into someone else’s bed.

I feel pathetic and embarrassed for having thrown myself at my roommate and completely freaked out that I got wasted enough to do something I have daydreamed about but wouldn’t do sober. But much more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent, trashed my roommate’s boundaries, and was generally creepy—all characteristics of sexual assaulters.

I am biologically female, and if the situation were reversed, I would commit a huge double standard because I would back any woman who did not feel safe continuing to live with a dude who did what I did. I feel like I should be held accountable and move out immediately, though my housemate has told me he doesn’t feel threatened and that I should stay.

Help. I feel like a total piece of shit for having done this and can’t stop wondering…

Am I A Sexual Predator?

Calm the fuck down—and no more women’s studies classes for you, okay? I think you’ve had quite enough, and I’m cutting you off.

Look, AIASP, you didn’t assault anyone, you’re not a predator, you shouldn’t have to move out. You made a drunken, ill-advised-in-retrospect pass at a roommate. If that makes someone a “sexual predator,” AIASP, then we’d better build walls around our better universities and start calling ’em all penitentiaries.

As for that double standard: In light of your recent experience—you made a drunken pass at someone who wasn’t interested in you—you might want to revisit the assumptions you’ve made about men who make passes, drunken and otherwise, at women who aren’t interested in them. Making a pass is not grounds for eviction or conviction. It’s how a person makes a pass (did you pounce or did you ask?) and how a person reacts if the pass is rebuffed (did you graciously take no for an answer or were you a complete asshole about it?) that matters.

Of course, men’s passes at women—roommates and otherwise—exist in a context of male sexual violence. So it’s understandable that a woman might feel uncomfortable living with a dude who did what you did. But if the dude wasn’t a creep about it and graciously took no for an answer (if the answer was no), perhaps he should be judged as an individual and not as someone who bears responsibility for the collective crimes committed by members of his sex throughout history.

And even if you were an asshole about that no, AIASP, that still wouldn’t make you a sexual predator. You’re only a sexual predator—or guilty of sexual assault—if you refuse to take no for an answer and force yourself on someone. (Or if you go after someone who is incapable of granting consent.) You didn’t force yourself on anyone. All you’re guilty of, AIASP, is asking someone whom you wanted to fuck if he wanted to fuck you. It’s a legit question, and no one gets fucked without asking it.

And that simple question doesn’t magically become sexual assault or harassment when the answer is no.

My mistress wants to deny me the pleasure of regular food. We want to create a “slop” that I can eat four to five times daily that is highly nutritious but as bland-tasting as possible. Any ideas? Can you consult a nutritionist?

Seeking Slave Food

Are there any vegan restaurants in your area?

I’m a single male in my mid-30s who over the years developed an incapacitating fetish. I can only get fully aroused when smelling the odor of maple syrup. When I was younger, it was not a problem getting aroused without it, but as I got older, I inhaled the scent while pleasuring myself, and now I can’t perform without it. I have tried to wean myself to no avail.

What should I do, short of taking all my dates to the house of pancakes and “accidentally” spilling syrup on them? I don’t think it would be fair to require such a thing from anyone and would not expect it to be tolerated in a long-term relationship. Any advice?

Odor Regretfully Generates A Sexual Malady

Look, ORGASM, the human brain is an inscrutable bag of slop, and you aren’t the only person out there whose brain saddled him with a seemingly random sexual fetish. But you shouldn’t view your fetish—assuming you’re not making this up—as “incapacitating.” You could be into things that were much worse and/or more complicated and/or literally impossible to realize. Nor should you blame yourself for your growing reliance on your kink. As we age (men particularly), we tend to lean more on those things—fantasies, fetishes, scenarios—that help us get there and get off.

Stop viewing your fetish as some sort of freakish ailment that disqualifies you from love and affection, ORGASM, and start viewing it for what it is: an endearing quirk and not too much to ask from a long-term partner. People in love and people in long-term relationships—two distinct groups with some significant overlap—like to say things like “I would walk through fire for him” or “I would take a bullet for her.” Well, all you’re asking is for a tiny bit of maple syrup dabbed behind the ears before sex. It’s not fire, it’s not a bullet, and it’s not too much to ask.

I am a heterosexual guy, married. My wife and I have lately been getting really interested in watching porn videos on my iPhone. I’m having a problem, however, finding sites with fresh, free stuff that will actually play streaming on the iPhone. Do you, the tech-savvy at-risk youth, or any of your readers have any site recommendations? The more the merrier!

Sent From The Savage Love App
For iPhone

I was under the impression—heard it from Steve Jobs himself—that the iPhone was designed to protect our wives from porn. And while I’m always coming to the defense of porn, I’m not a big consumer myself. (I only use my iPhone to make calls and play cribbage.) So I’m not aware of any iPhone-friendly straight-porn sites, SFTSLAFI. Readers? Any tips?

And speaking of porn: Sometimes it’s not enough to come to the defense of porn. Sometimes you have to sit down and make some porn yourself. And sometimes your homemade porn can win you large cash prizes. Info and details at www.humpseattle.com.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

218 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. dear maple syrup lover, taking the herbal supplement fenugreek makes one smell like maple syrup. the odor is excreted in sweat and urine and taking the supplement, or someone else taking it, might provide an aroma that helps stimulate arrousal. or, you could date the local IHOP staff!

  2. maple syrup lover- taking the herb fenugreek makes one smell like maple syrup. Alternately, try dating the local IHOP staff!

  3. I’m still dying to get the rest of AIASP’s story!Did the “I can’t sleep in my own room” ploy work? Did he let you share his bed? What all did you do that was ‘throwing yourself’ at him?

    You sound like you feel guilty, but have not given us the (juicy) details of your guilt!

    Ok, so I’m just pruriently curious…

    and it sounds like your roomie is an adult who is capable of saying ‘no’ if he wants to… so… did he?

    what happened?!?

  4. Vegans like myself need to understand that meat eaters don`t find the idea of veganism the least bit appealing. It would be like trying to convince me to try being gay.No thanx

  5. Okay I’m a veg and I thought Dan’s comment was hilarious. Lighten up people, and accept that some vegan food tastes seriously awful.

    Also, because many vegans are very health-conscious vegan food does tend to be highly nutritious, just as our Slave asked for.

  6. Spirulina, it’s eatable algae and it’s claimed to be really good for you. I know of hardcore backpackers who eat it nearly exclusive on long trips because they can carry so much of it. It also tastes like what it is, dried out pond scum. It’s also a filler in fish food. If that isn’t slave food I don’t know what is.

  7. YouPorn is a good streaming site that I know is at least iPad friendly for playing in the browser. One would assume since it’s the same platform that it would play on the iPhone as well.

    Also, it has something for everyone.

  8. I thought the vagn comment was hilarious. I honestly laughed out loud. Dan could just as easily written “Are there any McDonald’s in your area.” It was an appropriately snarky response to a rather lame letter — the original writer could have easily found the answer with about 10 minutes with Google.

  9. @16 Check ! Have you really taken a close look at the ‘reflection’ in the mirror ? Are you certain that it is the original ‘You’ and not an alien construct ? Just because you still have sex does not mean that ‘They’ have not got to you. 🙂

  10. I’m exclusively a veggie eater and I thought Dan’s comment was really funny. If you (or I, in this case) are going to do something as silly as refusing to eat animal products, we should expect people to make fun and have a sense of humour about it.

  11. ORGASM should check out Aveda’s line of jewelry that allows you to soak a little sponge that goes inside a bauble on a necklace, or earrings. Great scented gift for the sig other, or himself! Or there are those snifter rings with a place inside to store fragrance (some maple sugar, maybe?)

  13. All this sturm und drang over the vegan comment is really cracking me up. Way to fit neatly into your stereotype, vegans. I would never force-feed you meat, just as (I hope) you would never try to impose your dietary restrictions on me. And as you can call me a patriarchal power-structure-perpetuating carnivore who enslaves our animal brothers for his sick desires, I can call your food tasteless slop. Because words are wind.

  15. “vegan restaurants”! That was fucking hilarious.

    To ORGASM– A saucier of maple syrup on a hot plate in the bedroom should raise no objections.

    I mean, it’s not like you’re using an offensive smell such as vomit, feces, or Jovan.

  16. Two things:

    1) a lot of Vegan/vegetarian food does taste awful. Seriously. Have you ever been to the Naam in Vancouver, BC? Possibly one of the worst dining experiences I’ve ever had. (three words: chocolate robitussin cake).

    2) Vegans probably wouldn’t be upset if they weren’t made the butt of every fucking lazy writer’s dietary joke regimen.

    In short: yes, vegans need to lighten up a bit. Alternatively, writers need to come up with something more clever than “hur hur, it’s funny cuz dey don’t eat meatz!”

  18. @26: Sexual violence is a predominantly male crime. Domestic violence is not. It’s probably true that there are more women who get the shit beaten out of them by men than vice versa, i.e. that men are likely to do more extensive physical damage. But there’s pretty ample evidence that when it comes to initiating domestic violence, it’s close to 50/50. And that doesn’t even touch the realm of non-physical abuse, in which women are more than competitive.

  19. cvilletop @43: when sex has been really good, and then it gets into a rut, you can get the sex back to really good again. But if the connection was never really there (“never been great”), there’s nothing to work with. What you thought was a spark was the new relationship energy, but the sexual chemistry sounds like it was missing from the beginning.

    That said, I’m not sure what “really try to get her off” means. Is she having an orgasm? Do you know? Does she know how to orgasm? Sounds like neither of you is coming, which is for sure a major sign of something wrong. If you’ve tried communicating explicitly about this, and that didn’t help, then yeah, end this relationship so you can both go find someone you click with, in bed as well as out.

  21. “But much more importantly, I think my behavior did not reflect active consent”

    Going to repeat myself here (but hey the letter is a repeat SLLOTD, so one repeat deserves another)…

    So, your behavior did not reflect “active consent,” eh? In other words, you didn’t “consent” to your own actions? Is it dawning on you yet how batshit crazy that sounds?

    I hope your Womyns’ Studies teacher makes you do a remedial essay to sort out your concepts.

    What you did is, you got drunk enough to do something that you regret the following morning. You don’t get to wriggle out of responsibility for your own actions by claiming to be too drunk to consent to your own stupid ideas. Of course you consented — you initiated, and you followed through.

    Unless someone has implanted a chip in your spinal column and is running you by remote control, you actively consented to whatever happened that night by actively pursuing it. You’re the one who approached the roommate in the first place, you are the one who used a bogus excuse to get into his bed. You were sober enough to figure out that scheme and run it past the roommate. You are 100 percent as responsible as the drunk who “consents” to get behind the wheel and run his car into a building.

    The person about whom “active consent” is a legitimate concern is the one on the receiving end of your actions. You should not be questioning whether your own behavior reflected active consent on your part with respect to your own actions; you should be worrying about whether HIS behavior reflected active consent to what you proposed.

    Now, having said all that, Dan is right about the big picture. Relax, already. Your roommate is a big boy, and he can take care of himself. From his perspective, all you did was ask to fuck him. He’s probably more disappointed that you decided to freak out over it and disavow everything the following morning.

    As far as daydreaming about it, but never daring to try that while sober goes: why not? What exactly is so bad about roommates with benefits?

  22. Re – Vegan comment: It’s a one-liner, people. It was intended to be funny, if evil — not accurate. Get over it.

    Similar example:
    Why do they call it “PMS?” Because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

  25. Dan, you need to come to my house for dinner sometime. I make a MEAN “chicken fried fake” (with bocca burgers..otherwise, just like my Texas Granny taught me, vegan cream gravy, mashed ‘taters and all. The meat is really the least vital component…secret’s in the batter and preparation). Yes, I thought the joke was hilarious, and I’ve had my share of nasty, bland vegan (and non-vegan) food. Not at MY house, though. I’ve fed many a non-veg seconds and thirds (some who didn’t even notice they were eating vegan). Just saying. No inherent reason for vegan food to be bad. 🙂

  28. When I first began dating my wife 17 years ago, she was in high school and working at the local Tim Hortons. I’d pick her up at the end of her shift and she would literally smell like a donut. It was great. She left Tim Hortons when she was done high school, and while I miss that smell about her, I’m still capable of performing just fine for the last 16 years. How long was this guy masturbating to Mrs. Butterworth? I would tend to blame this guy’s death grip on his penis while masturbating than Aunt Jemima.

  31. FOR ‘SENT FROM THE SAVAGE LOVE IPHONE APP’. GO ONTO YOUR SAFARI APP, OR YOU CAN DOWNLOAD THE PRIVATE BROWSING SAFARI IF YOU LIKE, AND TYPE IN KEEZ, OR KEEZMOVIES.COM INTO THE GOOGLE BAR. THE FIRST SITE THAT COMES UP HAS PLENTY OF MOVIES (WITH PLENTY OF DIFFERENT CATEGORIES)THAT PLAY ON QUICKTIME AND WILL WORK ON YOUR IPHONE. ENJOY!

  32. SSF,

    Try the Army’s MRE (Meal, Ready to Eat). Chock full of calories, bland as sand, and they come with a moist towelette to clean up any messes.

  33. I hope that SSF’s Mistress has him on a strict, fitness trainer approved, exercise program…to make him a lean, mean, sex-slave machine. With that in mind, how about this recipe:

    For 1 serving

    Cook 1 3-4 oz boneless skinless chicken breast in a covered saucepan with a little water. A pressure cooker would be even better, follow the directions that come with the cooker. Do not use salt or any other seasonings. Note that many chicken breasts could be cooked at once ahead of time, refrigerated, and used as needed.

    Chop the cooked breast into smallish pieces and put into a blender pitcher. Add about 12-20 oz unflavored soy milk, you can adjust the amount of liquid for the proper slop consistency. Some water could also be added later if it is too thick. Add 2 teaspoons of good quality liquid fish oil, (not the capsules). Add a couple scoops of unflavored, unsweetened, good quality whey powder, read the label for the serving size. Then add a handful of random raw veggies, (carrots, broccoli, sprouts, etc.). Finally, add a portion of Life Extension Mix Powder, read the label for the correct amount. A couple of servings of a fiber supplement 2x a day would not be a bad idea.

    Blend until smooth. Serve in a trough or feed-bag.

  35. EricaP @69 – Thanks – this is what I’m thinking too: that the initial spark was just new relationship. I’ve actually suggested that in our conversations.

    I’m not positive she’s having an orgasm every time she seems to be – I really wondered (at the beginning) if the miraculous and rare simultaneous orgasm was for real. I opted for not over-analyzing. I feel like the chemistry may have been off from the get-go and our method of BC (condoms) combined with her preferred ‘motion’ (lots of grinding, very little in-and-out) is killing me. Let’s not even talk about my frustrations with explaining how HJs and BJs could be improved (ooh, yes, more like that). I have tried repeatedly trying to get feedback on my own technique, without success, but I’m not sure I’m really doing it for her either.

    I think I needed someone to tell me what I already know: this is not going anywhere. I’ve been trying to light a fire for a year, time to get some fresh kindling.

  36. The vegan comment was funny.

    As an omnivore who loves food but eats very little meat, I’d just like to point out that yes, vegan food can be bad. And so can poorly cooked food that includes meat. And if you’re ever in Edinburgh, I highly recommend this place: http://www.davidbann.com/. I had a fantastic meal there, and it just happened to be vegan.

  37. The herbal supplement Fenugreek is used by women to increase their breastmilk supply when breastfeeding. You know you’re taking enough when your B.O. smells like maple syrup.

    I suggest that ORGASM hit the health food store and stock up on Fenugreek. If he takes it himself, he can have his fetish close at hand (or close at armpit!) at all times. If he gets into a relationship, maybe he can get his partner to take it.

    And if someone also has a lactation fetish, so much the better.

  39. @1 Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. It’ll come across as romantic and thoughtful, even. Way to turn a hang-up into a plus!

    (Though I agree with Dan. I don’t see why it’s a problem, and I’m not sure I believe the guy.)

  40. Yeah, I second YouPorn for iPhone-friendly porn sites. Some of the videos are flash and won’t work, but I was happily surprised to find the site worked when I first got my iPod Touch.

  41. There are quite a few Mobile Porn sites that are available, some are good and some aren’t.
    AS it’s where i work i lean towards iPinkvisual(dot)com and our related sites, but Kink(dot)com has a very nice one and so do some others.
    A while back I sorted quite a few for Seego(dot)com which is a free directory we put up for mobile sites a while back.
    Neil

  42. Of all the jokes that Dan makes in his columns, I find it a bit silly that the vegan comment has generated such response.
    Anyone who is offended by that comment shouldn’t be reading this column.

  43. Grr argh obligatory vegan rage! Way to make us look bad, crazies. Yes, vegan food is delicious, we’ll outlive all the meat eaters, we’ll all be superhot at 60 without trying – we know the truth, so shut your traps.

    Seriously though, Slave should eat some lovely plain uncooked tofu. High protein, delightfully gelatinous and bland – it’s a form of sadism all its own.

  44. Why do vegans care so much about what other people think? If it’s the best way to eat, then you live to be 100 and we rot in our tallow-drenched carcasses.

    Of course, the truth is, it’s a cult. To be a vegan and eat the shit they eat, you have to have lost your mind at some point.

    And yes, I do have sausages as my thumbnail, for totally unconnected reasons. LOL

  45. @85:

    If your relationship is as unfulfilling outside the bedroom as it is inside the bedroom, then yeah, I agree that it’s time to hang up and try again. But if there’s something there worth salvaging, then the specific problems you described seem like they might be surmountable. Perhaps you could try switching to another form of birth control? (If hormonal birth control isn’t an option, there are always diaphragms and IUDs). And I could be wrong, but I’d guess that your girlfriend prefers grinding because it stimulates her clit. She might be more enthusiastic about in-and-out pumping if she were being stimulated manually at the same time, or if she were wearing one of those little hands-free vibrators designed for use during intercourse. (A vibrator could also help make sure that she’s getting off every time.)

    Granted, it sounds like you’re suffering from a general lack of chemistry and failure of communication, so the situation might be beyond repair. But hey, random sex advice is always good, y/y?

  47. @85, @96: Women who need a lot of “grinding” to get off are the equivalent of men who need a deathgrip on their cocks in order to come. Some people think that it stems from masturbation habits that lead to desensitization; other people think lack of sensitivity leads to those habits in the first place. It’s hard to identify cause vs. effect.

    My experience is that women who fit this pattern frequently have low orgasmic intensity and below-average sexual desire. My own hunch is that this is because they’re reaching orgasm through tension rather than relaxation, and there’s a pretty sizeable body of work suggesting that muscular tension inhibits sexual pleasure. Certainly, the most orgasmic women I’ve known don’t tense up, clench their teeth, etc. You literally feel less when your muscles are tense: think of how we respond to feeling cold, or pain, or stress.

    Being a good lay isn’t just about technique or being GGG; it’s also about being able to reach orgasm relatively easily and with a variety of positions/methods, so that your partner is gratified by your pleasure (and vice versa). If you can’t do that, and everything has to be “just so” or it falls apart, sex starts to feel like work for the other person. Our culture doesn’t really have a way of talking about that, because we view sex as a male performance in which the woman’s ecstasy is the barometer of the man’s success. But it takes two to tango.

  48. @26: Some research (particularly studies that look at clinical cases or gain participant samples from women’s shelters) states that intimate parter violence is committed by male partners against female partners.

    Community-based samples indicate that in heterosexual relationships, females commit violence at a slightly higher rate than males. In these samples, partners are often both committing violence and having violence committed against them. As well, female partners have reported that, when being the first person to aggress, it was overwhelmingly for reasons unrelated to fear of imminent attack by the male partner and often because they knew the male partner would NOT hit back.

    Stating that intimate partner violence is predominately committed by males also ignores the fact that this violence occurs in female same-sex relationships. Though I haven’t looked at this specific research in a couple of years, studies that I read that examined both female and male same-sex relationships indicated that females reported more violence (physical, emotional, and sexual) in their relationships than did the males.

    In short? Males may be the ones WITH dicks in relationships, but aren’t the only ones that act like dicks.

  49. @98, well, for those of us who are GGG and like sex but have always had trouble coming without lots of clit stimulation (mostly, by Hitachi vibrator), and would like to come more readily… Do you have experience with teaching women like us to relax into our orgasms, or literature that has been effective? I can relax, or I can come, but I don’t see how to relax and come. Constructive advice appreciated.

  50. Screw you Dan. I’m done reading you and your paper, and this is after 15 years of reading your column and The Stranger – before you were editor, before you were famous, when you were only “Hey Faggot”. Being an asshole might be a good attribute for an advice columnist, but it does not make you a good person. For someone upset about not having the same rights as everyone else, you are certainly more than happy to ridicule anyone who doesn’t agree with you or your lifestyle. So, have fun insulting vegans, poor people, smokers, the overweight… and anyone else that might not fit into your superficial framework. Maybe you need to spend some time in someone else’s shoes before you continue to pass judgment on everyone else.

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