I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?
Threesome Complications
Yes, TC, you should tell him.
He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.
And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.
You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.
The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.
Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers
For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.
I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!
I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?
Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived
Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).
Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.
Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.
“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”
I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.
But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.
Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.
So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.
I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.
“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.
Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.
The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.
They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.
Thank you, Dan — I love the idea of the It Gets Better Project. It reminds me of Stephen Fry’s letter to his younger self, which makes me cry every time I read it:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2009/apr…
Oh, and BTW… Terry’s quite the hottie! Good pull there, man.
So Kurt Cobain faked his death and married Dan Savage…who knew?
Excellent, Dan. Just the sort of first-rate reaction I would hope for from you. As someone who lived through incessant bullying for his first 18 years (though not for being gay), I heartily applaud the new channel. Teens DO need to hear from older folk who aren’t related to them and have no hidden interests at heart that yes, it does get better with time and you WILL learn to accept yourself and WILL find others like yourself.
This is something that is never said enough to any teenagers, but especially to those ostracized by their peers. Kudos for giving them the support.
Wonderful column, Dan. I’ll spread the word about your youtube project!
Dan: As a school administrator, I am going to ensure that our kids know of this, and have access to it. One of the kids I taught, years ago, killed himself. This project has a chance of helping many such kids. thanks!
Dan Savage, I want to kiss you. As a teacher and head of a GSA, I am so happy this exists. The video was wonderfully touching and could make a difference in so many lives. Thank you.
Dan sort of beat (heh) me to it. I say let’s declare EVERY day Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Heck, the minute I found out about her wacko views on masturbation, I went straight to the bedroom, got out my Albolene cream, and jilled off all over the full-length mirror. Granted, I was about to start my period, and orgasms are very therapeutic for relieving cramps and back pain. so I probably would have done it anyway. But this one was extra satisfying.
And anyway, I must admit she is pretty. Maybe we women should mount an e-mail/letter campaign telling Christine how much we’d love to eat her pussy, if only she weren’t so hell bent on stopping the whole country from having sex (and good luck with that): http://www.connexion.org/gay-news/politi…
linking it up on my site, and sharing the video now. Would love to see this played in classrooms across the country…
I posted this to my tumblr (www.iknowaboutstuff.tumblr.com) to support the project. I also want to say that your speeches and videos have really had an impact on how I view relationships and I’d like to thank you. My relationship is honest and fun and GGG due in some part to your ability to succinctly, and with a sense of humour, sum up the issues facing couples in LT relationships.
Sharing and spreading the word about this project as we speak. Thank you so much for the idea, and I can’t wait to see where this goes. I too would love to see this as part of the curriculum in schools across the country.
Dan,
I applaud your project. I know it was prompted by a particular horrific case of homophobic bullying, but I think it would be great to expand this to address all the freaks, geeks, losers, fags, bitches, sluts, and lowlife who are made to feel like their life will never get better. They all need to hear the message. That it does get better, and really soon! Two or three years until you’re a legal adult, can move away from that bullshit and see how fantastic life can be!
Dan,
I applaud your project. I know it was prompted by a particular horrific case of homophobic bullying, but I think it would be great to expand this to address all the freaks, geeks, losers, fags, bitches, sluts, and lowlife who are made to feel like their life will never get better. They all need to hear the message. That it does get better, and really soon! Two or three years until you’re a legal adult, can move away from that bullshit and see how fantastic life can be!
I know you’ll get plenty of accolades for this, but I’d just like to say that this column gave me chills. Way to use your powers for good, Dan…
This channel will be pimped as far and wide as I can possibly pimp it. Thank you, Dan, for starting this, because this will save lives.
Thank you for sharing the story of Billy Lucas. It made me cry and now I am angry as hell. Is there anyway that those who bullied him can be tried for manslaughter or something? Anything to make people see that bullying behavior will not be condoned. Bullies are cowards!
Thank you so much for this Dan and Terry.
I’ll be doing my part to ensure that this message gets broadcast far and wide by sending the link to everyone in my contact list. If anyone knows of somebody in a similar situation, please direct them to Dan & Terry’s channel. Let them know that it really does get better and that hope and help are out there.
Take good care all. Peace.
Wow, I am completely impressed, Dan. After you posted that awful story, I think so many of us wondered what could have been done to help, if we had known a kid like Billy Lucas. Your video project idea is brilliant, and hopefully will go viral. For all the joking on Slog, it’s good to take a moment to let you know (again) what a real difference you have made to so many people. Raising my glass to you right now. Cheers.
dan, you just get more awesome. this is a wonderful project. thank you.
That was amazing. I’m not gay, or bi, or trans, so I haven’t much to contribute in the way of a video, but I’ll definitely be posting this to my Facebook to help spread the word.
Great idea! This is a great help and something I wish I had been able to see in my teens. Thanks a lot for sharing and I hope this catches on and spreads far and wide.
Forgot to add something..
Although meant for young gay teens, this is fantastic for everybody who is or has ever been bullied and picked on. And what can us straight people do to get involved?
Word = spread, indeed. Consider it done.
And your spouse is definitely a hottie…kudos on all fronts, Dan.
Thank-you for the video Dan! Very inspiring!
God or Spirit or Universe (or whatever you believe in) bless you, Dan. The message of your “It Gets Better” project will save kids’ lives. You’ll save kids’ lives.
The video and YT channel was a wonderful and loving idea. Thanks to you and Terry both for telling your stories. I hope the kids that need to see this do, and they can feel hope and love and then find the strength to make it through the hell of high school.
Goosebumps!!!
How is it, Dan, that you literally seem to shit pure gold? Whatsoever you tackle, you do it with a stunning balance of outrage and humor. I cried reading the article and smiled at the stories of your, Terry, and DJ’s life together. Thanks, again and again and again.
What do you think about the most recent gay-bashing minister outed? The media is all over Eddie Long for ‘enticing’ two boys to have sex. This gives all LGBT people such a bad name. “All gay men are predators.” Is there anything we can do?
I’m straight but I was bullied so mercilessly in high school I developed BDD (body dysmorphic disorder). Can we straight people give encouragement to the other bullied and otherwise miserable youth with your project?
Such a great idea! I hope it catches on and becomes widely known!
And your video was wonderful and wonderfully surreal! I actually – FINALLY – just read both “The Commitment” and “The Kid” with in the last month, so it was awesome to actually get to see the two main characters interact! Wow! Thank you both so much for sharing!
Also, I will never understand why so many ridiculously photogenic people are camera-shy! And the way you watch Terry talk is heart-meltingly cute, Dan. Had to say it.
Dan, you are one of my personal heroes and one of my favorite authors. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your books, columns, and other projects. That youtube video made me respect you even more (didn’t know that was possible!). I have become so much more comfortable with my sexuality through reading your work, actually learning it does get better after high school, and looking to positive role models for people like me who do not fit into the cookie cutter mold of what sexuality is “supposed” to look like in the U.S. Thanks!!
Dan, you are one of my personal heroes and one of my favorite authors. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your books, columns, and other projects. That youtube video made me respect you even more (didn’t know that was possible!). I have become so much more comfortable with my sexuality through reading your work, actually learning it does get better after high school, and looking to positive role models for people like me who do not fit into the cookie cutter mold of what sexuality is “supposed” to look like in the U.S. Thanks!!
@2: I know!! I was gonna comment on that on the youtube page, but thought that ought to be the arena for respectful and hopeful messages. But I guess “you could end up with someone as smokin’ as Terry” is a pretty hopeful message 😉
Wonderful idea Dan, and you can bet I’ll be making a video. I wasn’t bullied nearly as much as this boy must have been, but damnit, if I can make just one tiny bit of difference….
Unfortunately, I can’t quite bring myself to masturbate to Christine O’Donnell, as she makes my lesbian-boner run away in horror D= I would if I could, but I can’t.
Keep it up Dan, you’re my hero.
I was very moved by the video, I admit it.
But on the other hand, there’s a certain percentage of kids viewing it that you can’t help making false promises to: some gay kids are simply not going to grow up to have lives like yours. Some kids’ families aren’t going to accept them the way yours have; some kids are not going to end up with long-term partners (much less hot ones!); some kids aren’t going to be taking vacations to Paris (or, for that matter, afford surrogate motherhood to become parents themselves).
It’s certainly true that a lot of kids are really going to benefit from this video. Someday, though, you’re going to hear from or about some viewers who will grow up to be disappointed and depressed when they never realize the idealized, and very lucky, model of gay life that you’re presenting here. It would be more honest of you to say that, too.
I think the point they are getting across is that there is hope, not that everyone’s life will turn out exactly like theirs. The goal is to help extremely depressed/ suicidal adolescents make it through junior high/high school. I am pretty sure that kids who watch that video won’t be like, “Wow, Dan promised that I will find an attractive, loving life partner and live happily ever after” and get upset when that doesn’t pan out. Kids are a lot smarter than people give them credit for. The message is clear and will do much more good than bad.
Hey Dan, Stranger copy editors, and fellow readers.
It is currently not known if Billy was gay. We may never know. It may not matter to some people, but it seems the family may have feelings about this. See the FaceBook tab under “Discussions”. So few facts are known. It’s possible he was gay and the family did not support him when he was alive and desires to hide it after his death. That would be extra horrific if it was true.
Here is the best news I could find so far:
http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/news/local/eas…
There’s nothing on this in the Chicago Tribune or most media websites as of Sept 22nd, 13 days after his death.
It’s horrible Billy is gone. He had been suspended from school that day for an attempt to stop those with a long history of bullying him. Being called gay was part of the abuse.
I’m a teacher and I’ve asked Dan back in 2005 to write a book for gay teens in schools. I got in trouble for sending a kid to the office every time he used “gay”. I’d make a youtube video but Dan’s request is only for people who are gay.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Billy-Luca…
ps: As another teacher said, youtube is blocked in most schools.
Definitely a “happily ever after” story for you and Terry (whom, I might add, is GORGEOUS). I hope that some of the anti-gay-marriage Republican types stumble across this video, too. I can’t imagine anyone with a spouse and kid(s) watching it and not being able to understand that you are two wonderful fathers who love each other deeply and deserve the same rights that they have.
I was a straight but weird kid who was bullied. “It gets better” is a message everyone needs to hear. High school ends and you will find a community and friends you can connect with and who will accept and love you for who you are.
@37: you are missing the point – Dan may have a very nice life, but even without all those good things that Dan has you will still escape the horrors of high school and find a life worth living.
I teared up listening to you talk about your experience in Paris with your little boy. Reaching out like this is SO important. I’ll send this link to everyone I know.
Great idea Dan (and ridiculously wholesome looking family, by the way). I’d like to echo several comments above saying that this kind of message could benefit all sorts of kids.
I can’t contribute, being a straight female. But as a former victim of bullying I would love to tell the young victims of today, gay or straight, that it does get better, and that even if it feels eternal, the dark days of high school are over in a flash. Please do tell us if you decide to open the project up to more people, though I do understand your motivation for targetting GLBTQ teens especially.
Dan,
Wonderful to do that video!!! God bless you for it and may it be the catapult to something big and to save many, many young men and womens lives.
What an adorable couple you guys are! And what a touching, wonderful gift to give those young people who are struggling! Thank you for your wisdom and generosity!
I am not gay but was bullied all through middle school and high school and even at times in college. I am still bullied occasionally today at the office (I am 25). I have not found “a community of friends I can connect with and that will love me for who I am.” It is at times difficult to see how it will get any better.
@39- youtube may be blocked from the schools’ hardlines, but they can’t block the kids phones.
oh, and…. holy smoking hot terry.
and @37- dan and terry didn’t finance a “surrogate mother,” they had an open adoption, there’s a big difference.
I spent Jr and Sr year of High School at a prep school (as a boarder). They kept drilling into us the myth that these were the best years of our lives, that the friendships we made there would be the most important of our lives. As one of the major outcasts, I remember thinking that if I believed that shit, I would kill myself because I didn’t think I could stand living if things were just going to go downhill. College was such a blessing. There was a moment in grad school when it came to me that if someone told me life couldn’t get any better, I would be content, because I couldn’t imagine every being happier than I was then.
@46: Seek out your community. Go to meetup.com and search for something that interests you. You have compatriots. It gets better. You only have to look for what you need. In the world today, no one needs to be isolated. But believe me, I know how hard it is to take that step. I REALLY really know.
Dan Savage at his best. Yea!