I’m a gay male and have been seeing a terrific guy for a couple of months. Two years ago, during an uncharacteristically wild few months in my life, I had a threesome with a couple, and as it turns out, my boyfriend is very good friends with them. We see them socially and have even all had dinner together. Nothing has been mentioned by anyone, and I’ve never told my BF. I feel guilty—not because I slept with his friends, but rather because a threesome is inconsistent with his perception of me. I don’t view threesomes as morally wrong, but I’m worried he does. Should I tell him?

Threesome Complications

Yes, TC, you should tell him.

He’s going to find out eventually—this isn’t the kind of secret that keeps—and the revelation will be much more damaging if he finds out about it from the couple or from a malicious third (fourth?) party. And while a threesome may be inconsistent with his current impression of you, TC, that’s something he might be able to get over. He’s much less likely to get over the realization that you were keeping this secret from him or that you’re so stupid as to think that this kind of secret can be kept.

And why are you so sure he would have a problem with it? Right now he’s operating under the assumption that his boyfriend isn’t the sort of guy who has threesomes. And you’re operating under the assumption that your boyfriend thinks threesomes are morally wrong. We know that his assumptions about you are wrong—you are the sort of person who has threesomes—so it stands to reason that your assumptions about him could be wrong. He may not have any problem with threesomes. Or foursomes.

You’re the kind of person who can have a threesome and remain on good terms with the couple involved, TC, and that’s a selling point, something in your favor, and nothing you should be ashamed of.

The time has come for you to use your influence to pick a day between now and the November election and declare it Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day in either the state of Delaware or the entire United States of America. This needs to happen, and you’re the only guy who can do it.

Hiding At The Elusive Fuzz Under Christine’s Knockers

For Savage Love readers who don’t read anything else: Christine O’Donnell is the Tea Party wacko who won the Republican nomination for a U.S. Senate seat in Delaware. She is famous for three things: getting her loony ass endorsed by Sarah Palin, viciously gay-baiting her straight primary opponent, and opposing masturbation because it makes the baby Jesus cry.

I’m all for masturbating to Christine O’Donnell, HATEFUCK, but why limit it to one day? So I hereby declare every day between now and November 2—when O’Donnell’s nomination costs the GOP a Senate seat—to be Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell Day. Rub one out for freedom, people!

I just read about a gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas—who killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. It’s just heartbreaking and sickening. What the hell can we do?

Gay Bullying Victim Who Survived

Another gay teenager in another small town has killed himself—hope you’re pleased with yourselves, Tony Perkins and all the other “Christians” out there who oppose anti-bullying programs (and give actual Christians a bad name).

Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times likelier to attempt suicide. Many LGBT kids who do kill themselves live in rural areas, exurbs, and suburban areas, places with no gay organizations or services for queer kids.

“My heart breaks for the pain and torment you went through, Billy Lucas,” a reader wrote after I posted about Billy Lucas to my blog. “I wish I could have told you that things get better.”

I had the same reaction: I wish I could have talked to this kid for five minutes. I wish I could have told Billy that it gets better. I wish I could have told him that, however bad things were, however isolated and alone he was, it gets better.

But gay adults aren’t allowed to talk to these kids. Schools and churches don’t bring us in to talk to teenagers who are being bullied. Many of these kids have homophobic parents who believe that they can prevent their gay children from growing up to be gay—or from ever coming out—by depriving them of information, resources, and positive role models.

Why are we waiting for permission to talk to these kids? We have the ability to talk directly to them right now. We don’t have to wait for permission to let them know that it gets better. We can reach these kids.

So here’s what you can do, GBVWS: Make a video. Tell them it gets better.

I’ve launched a channel on YouTube—www
­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos. My normally camera-shy husband and I already posted one. We both went to Christian schools and we were both bullied—he had it a lot worse than I did—and we are living proof that it gets better. We don’t dwell too much on the past. Instead, we talk mostly about all the meaningful things in our lives now—our families, our friends (gay and straight), the places we’ve gone and things we’ve experienced—that we would’ve missed out on if we’d killed ourselves then.

“You gotta give ’em hope,” Harvey Milk said.

Today we have the power to give these kids hope. We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better. Online support groups are great, GLSEN does amazing work, the Trevor Project is invaluable. But many LGBT youth can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

The video my husband and I made is up now—all by itself. I’d like to add submissions from other gay and lesbian adults—singles and couples, with kids or without, established in careers or just starting out, urban and rural, of all races and religious backgrounds. (Go to www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject to find instructions for submitting your video.) If you’re gay or lesbian or bi or trans and you’ve ever read about a kid like Billy Lucas and thought, “Fuck, I wish I could’ve told him that it gets better,” this is your chance. We can’t help Billy, but there are lots of other Billys out there—other despairing LGBT kids who are being bullied and harassed, kids who don’t think they have a future—and we can help them.

They need to know that it gets better. Submit a video. Give them hope.

mail@savagelove.net

279 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Could you also create a regular web page that students in schools where “social networking” sites like YouTube and Facebook are blocked could access? Open it up to any adult who was bullied in school, and let contributors post written messages of support. You’ll widen both the range of contributors and your potential audience.

  2. I just shared that on my facebook page. Now I need to go blow my nose and dry my face, ’cause I’m bawling my eyes out.
    Great video. Beautiful family.

  3. If it happened a couple of years ago and it’s only been two months with the new guy.. JUST BE HONEST. COME CLEAN. DROP THE HORSES***E. Honesty always rings best. Good luck to you Mr. Threesome;)!+~+

  4. I love this project idea – the girlfriend and I are making a video tomorrow night for this as part of celebrating our four year anniversary together. Maybe we’ll make another video too… =)

  5. I just saw the video and I had to wipe a few tears. I am female and heterosexual but I was nonetheless picked up at schoool (nerd type, tiny, always reading, talked differently…) Thirty years later I am an Ob-gyn working in my dream place, married and happy, and still reading like mad. I would have needed a video like that when I was a child, too. The project can be useful for other bullied kids besides gays, too.

  7. Someone posted they aren’t gay, bi, or trans and can’t do a video but will add the link to their facebook. Why can’t you do a video? You can talk about how you viewed people who were different when you were younger. Experineces in school about bullying and the use of slurs. How things have changed since you have gotten older. And more importantly how you accept people for who they are. It’s great to have people “like me” to be a role model but it’s also great to know that there are so many people who are supportive as well. Teens need to understand that outside of their smaller world there is a larger world where they are accepted and loved.

  10. My husband’s brother and sister in law are the worst kind of fundamentalist “Christians.” They have six kids by now, and show no signs of stopping. We have been told to our faces that we were not named godparents for any of them because of our association with gay people. So, I figure, statistically speaking, they’re bound to end up with at least one gay kid. (To say nothing of karma!) I’m going to save your video for when that happens, and my husband and I have to step in and play the role of supportive adults during the drama that will undoubtedly ensue…

  12. Thank you, Dan, for recognizing in your column that people like Tony Perkins don’t speak for all, or even most, Christians. Many Christians don’t feel the bible prohibits homosexuality in contemporary society at all. An even larger group, ambivalent on what the bible says about homosexuality, remembers that Jesus specifically told his followers that they are not be judging people, that they are not authorized to enforce their understanding of God’s law on anyone else, and that they are commanded to love and respect others.

    So thanks for remembering that we’re here, and brainstorming regularly how to marginalize the Perkins, Becks, and Grahams of the world.

  13. Just make it a foursome, dude!
    I mean, if threesomes are morally wrong, then surely all us gays will burn in hell. …
    No, wait! … That’s exactly what they said we would do! …

  16. If this goes viral, and I’m hoping it does, there is equal chance the right wing people will create more mockery of gays. They will say the gay community created a poster child for a straight kid.

    Screw the haters. Dan has never lost any debate with them. Everyone should just be aware of this so the hate message can be fought.

    The boy hung himself, and verbal abuse about being gay was directly related. Many neighborhoods are so biased against gays that even a straight kid is pushed to suicide for being labeled “gay”.

    http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

    Don’t give the haters any more fuel for their fire. Don’t label the kid gay until more info comes out. Do support any effort like this to create more systematic supports.

    Can someone creating a video add the 800 phone numbe? 800-273-TALK Here is the FAQ on the teen website.
    http://sptsnj.org/faq.html

  19. Masturbate to Christine O’Donnell? I’d sooner jack off to Larry Craig, and I’d sooner die than do that!

    I will, however, most likely be jackin’ it to Dan & Terry later tonight, speakinna threesomes.

  21. Bi woman here (mostly into girls, really) and I never went to school to be bullied, but I got a fair bit of bullying and maltreatment from family growing up, wound up with a truly shitty body image for a very long time, which I’m growing out of, and they’re still trying very hard to stuff me back in the closet.

    My girlfriend and I (both avid readers of your column and your blog) both own accounts on a blogging site called Dreamwidth, and we’ve just been inspired to start up a community there with the same name as your project, with links to the videos and to your column as primary resources and inspiration. It’s a small site, but it has a very high proportion of GLBTQ account owners, and I’m sure we can get something meaningful going with this.

    Here’s the link: http://it-gets-better.dreamwidth.org/

    Thank you so much, Dan, for reaching out to a silent majority like this. I heard the “you’re too young to know you’re bi!” at the ripe old age of 18 (although I make allowances for growing up in a village in India) and I’m sure kids who come out earlier have that even worse – to have the community reach out to them in a caring, inclusive way will make a lot of difference to them.

  22. I am an educator as well, and I can’t wait to get home to see the vid, as yes, facebook is blocked here. Yeah, Savage Love pops right through with all its piss and shit stained glory, but go on and stop that youtube *rolls eyes* Lol!

    I am a straight girl as well, and totally agree with the other posters about how bullying can be so pervasive in schools, regardless of reasons (I grew up fat), and if indeed, my “Golden Years” of high school were indeed my best, I would have offed myself for sure! When I think of people who truly have their glory days in high school, I think of Al Bundy. Thank goodness for college…I am sure teen viewers can modify content in their minds to suit their needs. Can’t wait to see Dan’s hot hubby!

  23. This was a great post, but my only beef is that it hasn’t been established that Billy Lucas was gay. He may very well have been, but he also might not have been. The horrible treatment that the poor kid experienced qualifies as anti-gay bullying, but that doesn’t mean he actually was gay.

  24. Excellent idea. Truly excellent and great use of this platform you have toward postive ends. I have some friends who I’ll be sharing this with in the hopes that they will post videos too.

  25. Dan:

    I’m not always your biggest fan, but today, I most certainly am.

    My best friend in junior high (also in Spokane) killed himself a year after I moved away, for what I suspect was reasons similar to Billy Lucas. Watching you and Terry together makes me incredibly sad to know that my dear friend missed out on what would surely have been an amazingly good life.

    Much good fortune and happiness to you and your family.

    G

  27. Hey, Dan. Did you get the idea for the “it gets better project” from this comment?

    [found here: http://www.queerty.com/teenager-justin-a…%5D

    I think we’re at a point where it’s evident that school districts (some, not all) are just NOT going to accept it. Instead of waiting around for them to do it, it may be time for LGBTA folks to go to them, especially in some of the “redder” parts of this country.

    It would be nice to see people organizing around this issue – the school won’t stop bullying? Unacceptable, but probably not changeable either, so how can it be countered? Perhaps with LGBTA mentoring or something similar.

    I hate that this is happening and more I hate that it’s being ignored, but it seems that the timeline for social change here is a long one, in the meantime, I hope some quicker, but no less powerful, actions can be taken.

  30. As a straight girl with an MA in Film I’m going to help out by reaching out to my gay friends and letting them know if they need help making the video I’m there. I’ve already posted it on fb.

  32. Some people have said that we don’t know if Billy Lucas was gay. Fact is, doesn’t matter. He was bullied to death by derogatory language and hateful slurs because people THOUGHT he was gay. As it turns out, the biggest reason kids who commit school shootings do it is because they were bullied, and the most common taunt is being called gay. Next time this happens, it might not be just the bullied kid who gets hurt.

    Thank you thank you thank you. I cried.

  34. When Barney Frank would make the list of 5 hottest liberal chicks, I guess you have no choice but to jerk off to conservatives. What are you chronic bed-wetters going to do when she wins? Let me guess. Call her stupid and racist? Shocker.

  35. Brilliant idea. I look forward to sharing this video with my own children and friends. Thank you for using your success to help the hurting youth amongst us.

  37. I read your column and listen to your podcast regularly, perhaps obsessively and while there have been many times I’ve been left thinking about it long after reading/listening, this is by far the most jossled I’ve felt. I’ve been sending everyone to read about this and watch your video. I’m not gay, but I did grow up in a very small town where being even a little different was definitely not ok. And I was more than just a little different. 🙂 After high school I moved in to a larger city and everything was sooooo much better. Thank you for using your popularity and influence for good. I met you at the DJ battle recently and was blown away by how real you were (I was the short haired girl who told you about how you got me to DTMFA and found the man of my dreams, the one who can auto fellate, remember?) Anyway, thank you, for this, and everything else you do!

  38. A. GREAT video….I’m a high school teacher…..I hope I can get away with showing this to my students…..We both know some of them are living through what you described.

    B. You and your column got FREE national air time today on one of the Wingnut spew-shows on radio!!! All about your Christine Zero comments.

  41. I’m gay, and I was bullied when I was in grade 9. My two tormentors were relentless. Everyday after school, no matter how quickly I ran to my locker and ran out of the building, no matter which exit I took, they found me. They followed me for blocks calling me every homophobic name in the book. I wasn’t out, and was still pretty confused about my sexual orientation, but these guys seemed to know. The one time I stood up to one of them it ended with him pinning me to a locker – I couldn’t even move, never mind break-free from his grip(never mind getting a punch in). It reached the point where I wanted to kill myself, and I came pretty close. I’m lucky I have a loving family who helped me deal with the bullying. If it wasn’t for the support of my family I probably would have committed suicide.

    I struggled for years with my sexual orientation, but somehow I survived. And things did get better… much better… better than I could ever have imagined when I was 14. I’m in a relationship with a man I love (five year anniversary is coming up), I’m out to my family, and they support me, and I’m comfortable in my own skin.

    BUT, and it’s a big but, if a gay person had been there for me when I was 14 with advice, support, and a different perspective, it would have made a huge difference. If you have a camera, seriously consider making a video for Dan’s site.

  42. Dan, thanks for launching the “It Gets Better” project.

    My son began to be subjected to anti-gay bullying when he was in second grade. We pulled him out of that school when it was clear that the administration wasn’t going to do anything about it. Three years later, in 5th grade, it started again. Fortunately, we found a middle school/high school that is an open, welcoming community that has made it clear that it doesn’t tolerate bullying.

  44. Picking up on 83’s comment: Yes, not all kids who are subjected to anti-gay bullying are gay.

    The school administrators who respond with “We have to be nice to the gay kids” are getting it wrong.

    We have to stop the bullying.

  45. #1 Christine O’Donnell is a fucking looneybird.

    #2 Dan, thank you and Terry from the bottom of my heart. I think this project can really take off and make a difference in how schools approach bullying and the bullied.
    As a teenager I was mercilessy bullied for being fat. I was 5’6″ and 155 pounds, but was taunted endlessly about being a fatass, worthless piece of shit. Nobody stuck up for me. There was nobody with a message for me, other than my mom and dad who simply told me to ignore them. The teachers and principal disciplined me for sticking up for myself because I was causing a scene. It was ridiculous.
    I made it through. I live well, I work in my community for awareness and self-acceptance, and that truly is the best revenge.

  46. Actually, revenge isn’t a good word for what i do, because it is with no malice. Living well, and reaching out is my way of stopping the cycle of abuse, and empowering victims of bullying and/or self-loathing.

  47. To everyone who’s suggesting Dan do things to include lots of other groups of people – you’ve had a great idea, so why don’t you make it happen yourself? It doesn’t all have to be down to one person. Every single one of us can make a difference. So don’t wait for someone else to do it!

  48. It Gets Better: Dan, what an inspiration your and Terry’s video is. I googled “it gets better” and your clip is currently the third one to come up. I’ll try to google it on a regular basis to keep it high on the list. (Oh, and congrats–Terry is totally hot!)
    Christine O’Donnell Masturbation Day: ROTFLMAO! I have to admit to mixed feelings on this one, if only because she is not a person I want to associate with masturbation. However, knowing how distasteful she and her supporters would find the idea, I’ll power up the vibrator in celebration…

  49. Could there be a corollary channel for those that are currently involved in bullying? “It Gets Worse” –
    “That shame you secretly feel each night for the terrible things you’ve said & done to some vulnerable kid that day? It gets worse as you get older. It leads to self-loathing, bitterness and isolation. The only way to get rid of it is to stop the meanness while you still can. You don’t have to stand up for the bullied kid just yet (you’ll want to later), but you do need to quit making the problem worse. Hate can be addictive and is always destructive.”

    I’d say a lot of the bullying that goes on has a certain pack mentality behind it. Many of the tormentors may be mere bandwagoneers, but are afraid to jump ship for fear of the same fate as their current target. Letting those kids know that it is OK not to hate could be a very useful message too.

  50. Gold star for the It Gets Better campaign, Dan. You are one of those people who constantly restores my faith in humanity. All the best to you and Terry.

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